A transparent affair

A few days ago, a friend asked me: "I met a couple, and we feel good about each other. We've already had one casual encounter, and now the wife wants to meet me alone. What should I do?"

Actually, asking this kind of question already reveals one's mindset; they can't resist the temptation. The reason they ask others is simply to seek reassurance, to let this unreliable external affirmation offset their guilt. This is a self-imposed shackle on a thoughtful person—an unlocked shackle.

Moreover, this isn't just a problem this friend is facing; it's a fairly common issue, so I thought about it very seriously.

I said, since dating between spouses is definitely a matter for both of them, at least for the other's happiness, then your private meeting violates the principle of fidelity. In this process, you are selfish and greedy. Secondly, if your spouse is bothered by your deception, and you've also caused harm to others, I suggested he try talking to his spouse openly and having a transparent "affair."

He expressed difficulty, saying his spouse would absolutely not agree. I said: "To avoid harm, for your peace of mind, suppress your desires."

He said, "But it's just too tempting," and then asked, "What would you do if it were you?"

For me, this isn't a problem. If the temptation were truly that strong, I would definitely tell my lover and, with his permission and blessing, have a "transparent" affair. But he's not me; my answer is meaningless to him.

So, we all understand many principles—about tolerance, about love, about not hurting—but often, these are ruined by our own petty desires, and these petty desires are unstoppable. We always find excuses to satisfy our desires for the sake of our conscience.

If I told him to go ahead, that people should honestly face their inner desires, as long as he doesn't intentionally hurt his wife, just indulge a little, keep it a secret, and life will still be life, the loving couple will still be the loving couple, then he would surely be resolute and quickly forgive his selfishness, passionately throwing himself into that rendezvous.

If I told him not to go, that he should first consider his wife's feelings, that he should act with a clear conscience, that he shouldn't use marital friendships as a pretext for infidelity, that he should maintain transparency between husband and wife, and that he should know that fidelity is more important than sexual desire, he might think with regret: "Maybe I'll just do it this once, and never again, or I'll tell my wife later to make amends, and I'll still be faithful." So, he might go, with a mix of trepidation and suppressed excitement.

That's the outcome, no matter what I say. Therefore, I simply tell my friend: Be true to your own feelings, be true to your own love, and then do it.

Soon, I learned that my friend had indeed gone to keep his appointment, experiencing a secret thrill of desire. Then he said, "We've made plans again next week." I was shocked: "Going again is wrong!" He said, "No, this time there are four of us."

I thought sadly: Married couples shouldn't use casual sex as a pretext for infidelity. It's better to have a "transparent" affair than to secretly satisfy one's desires like this.

"Infidelity" is quite common in marriage, and even more so among dating couples. If the "infidelity" is successful, everyone is at peace; the marriage or relationship remains calm and joyful. Conversely, it can lead to the breakdown of the marriage or relationship. So, the pleasure of "infidelity" is secretive and exciting, but it's also like dancing on a knife's edge.

Everyone has moments when they are swayed by desire. I remember a few years ago, because of an ambiguous text message one night, I secretly went on a date with a boy behind my husband's back. Actually, I was also taking a chance, thinking that meeting secretly wouldn't be a problem, and I believed that since the feelings were light, I could easily back off. So I went, although we didn't have any real interaction and I went back, I was still uneasy. Unfortunately, my husband found out, so we had a very good talk:

First, he calmly asked me if I still trusted him, and I said I did. He then asked if I would hide anything from him, looking into his eyes, and I said I wouldn't. Finally, he asked if I believed he loved me, and I said I did. Of course, these questions were interspersed with many memories of our life together, many warm details, and even the bittersweet moments we shared.

Second, he said: "Can you tell me what you did today?" My face turned red at that moment, and I said, "Yes, I can." But I held his hand and asked for his forgiveness and understanding. I explained that I didn't do it out of a desire to betray him; I simply couldn't suppress my own desires. He smiled and reassured me that he loved me, and I had unwavering faith in his love.

Thirdly, after I recounted the whole story, why I hadn't told him the truth, and my thoughts throughout the incident, he maintained a faint smile. He said, "Actually, I don't care what you do, but how you do it." He continued, saying that what he wanted wasn't for me to hide things from him, not for the distance between us, not for me to share a secret with someone else while deceiving him alone. He wanted us to stand hand-in-hand, facing the same direction; he wanted transparent trust between us; he wanted him to stand beside me like a closest family member; he wanted a deep connection. We also discussed that trust is the foundation of marital fidelity.

Fourthly, we had a long discussion about what love should be like. My husband's most frequent words were: I'll spoil you, fulfill all your personal wishes, even those harder than plucking the moon from the sky, like letting you love others with a passionate heart, indulging you, letting you receive more love, freeing yourself, and gaining boundless freedom to soar freely in my sky. I'm willing to be there to perceive every drop of your happiness; we're always together. At that time, he was explaining the difference between possessive love, selfless love, and forgiving love. We also discussed whether physical or spiritual loyalty is true loyalty, ultimately agreeing that spiritual loyalty is meaningful; we also talked about love being tolerant.

Fifthly, with such good communication, we reminisced about my "betrayal" rendezvous. Like close friends, we savored the small details—bitter moments, sour moments, exciting moments, and happy moments—and laughed frequently. For a moment, we were husband and wife, inseparable best friends, and inseparable family.

Thus, a transparent "affair" was formed.

And so, any subsequent transparent "affairs" became a shared affair between two people.

So, when you find out that your partner is having an affair, or that they are using friendship as a pretext for cheating, you might as well communicate step by step in this way until you two are on the same boat and in sync. Then you'll be able to dance the waltz on the edge of a knife.

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A transparent affair

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