[***Diary 2]

Today is my husband's birthday, and I only just sent him a birthday message around midnight because I've been debating whether or not to record what happened these past two days—whether to gloss over it or downplay it, but I need to leave myself an opportunity to reflect on it. I don't know if this counts as happiness.

Actually, Xiao Liang and Zhang Mei are a wonderful couple, very simple, kind, warm, and loving. I met them at the restaurant outside the South Gate, which we had arranged to meet beforehand. Knowing we like spicy food, they thoughtfully treated us to hot pot. When they waved, we sat down facing each other and started talking about the weather and the climate differences between the South and the North. Later, the men's conversation turned to cross-strait relations, while Zhang Mei and I remained relatively quiet.

After dinner, we went to karaoke, and everyone seemed very relaxed. My husband was very happy, drinking beer and singing old songs from his memories, as if he were back in the season of love. He held the microphone in one hand, pointed at me with the other, and sang "My favorite is you," his dreamy eyes touching me. Xiao Liang and Zhang Mei sang a duet very affectionately, and they were also very happy. We passed the time so casually, the dim lighting offering no emotional connection, the love songs we sang merely beautiful notes. Neither of us knew what to do or not to do. Around 11:30, we took a taxi to that *** club.

It was a typical private space for two, simple and cozy inside. Stepping out from the living room, there was a large balcony. My congested feelings suddenly eased for a moment; the night breeze softened my heart.

As Xiao Liang walked onto the balcony, his hand lingered briefly on my waist, and I suddenly tensed up. I didn't dare look at Xiao Liang; I felt I would reveal my expression or desire. For a moment, I felt like I had fallen from a height of fantasy to the ground, the distinct sensation of falling bringing clarity to my mind. To be honest, I felt we were better suited as friends than to this sexual game.

After sitting for a while, I went to take a shower, and the waiter brought me a nightgown. I repeatedly told the waiter I wanted something modest, but when I came out, I still noticed half of my breast and clearly visible areolas. I sat next to Nanwei, my hands covering my chest. Xiao Liang and Zhang Mei took turns showering, and afterwards we all sat obediently in the living room watching TV until after 1 a.m. the next morning. The lights were bright, and there was no hint of ambiguity between us. Nanwei turned off the living room light, and we all smiled knowingly. I was actually a little reluctant because I still harbored resentment towards Xiao Liang; he was the one who abandoned me and started pursuing Zhang Mei so intensely.

As I write this, my hands are trembling, I don't know if it's fear or nervousness. I'm still wondering if I should record the following details in diary form.

I saw Nanwei sitting very properly, and I suddenly felt that doing so would be very unfair to Zhang Mei, so I encouraged him with my eyes. Then Nanwei took Zhang Mei to another room, leaving only Xiao Liang and me.

Xiao Liang suggested turning off the lights, and I thought it was a good idea; perhaps this would reduce the visual pressure and lessen the guilt.

Actually, I felt relaxed then. Perhaps the fleeting physical pleasure gave me a rare sense of tolerance and acceptance. Later, we made love separately in two different rooms. I remembered a similar scene with Xiao Liang many years ago. Back then, we were innocent, but this time the feeling was unfamiliar, almost making me sad. Perhaps because of unfamiliarity or other reasons, my pleasure didn't arrive as expected.

Writing this, I can't continue. My mind keeps replaying the scene of making love with Xiao Liang that day. When he penetrated me deeply, he almost hit me instantly. I even experienced an orgasm that I couldn't achieve with my husband. This feeling was special, as if at that moment, I was born inside his body. I thought about the year Xiao Liang betrayed me. Although I appeared calm on the surface, my heart was in unbearable pain. And yet, I had actually made love with this person I once hated…

I felt nauseous. I hope these things won't happen again.

Nanwei won't be back tonight; he said he has to work overtime at the company. I poured myself a glass of red wine, wrapped myself in a blanket, and sank into the sofa. I wanted to pass out quickly, preferably never to wake up again…

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[***Diary 2]

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