[A True Account of Harassment Encountered on the Subway]

I rarely take the subway. Although it's convenient and efficient, you still walk a lot, it's crowded, the air quality is bad, and the exits are always hard to distinguish.

But with train restrictions and the need to arrive at Muxidi on time, I avoided rush hour and entered Guanzhuang Station at 9:30 AM.

Once inside, I didn't know which way to go, so I timidly followed others, only to discover that it wasn't an exit, but an exit. Just as I was wondering if I'd gone the wrong way, I suddenly realized this section was above ground… My transit card, which I'd had two years ago, only had 60 cents left. So, I took the money, bewildered, and finally, I asked a staff member. A security guard-looking man told me the machine could automatically recharge it.

I cluelessly went over and, following the instructions, inserted the card at least four times, front and back, but the machine didn't respond. The last time, I used a little too much force, and finally, it worked. I put in a 100-yuan bill, clicked recharge, but nothing happened… I was so anxious I wanted to stomp my feet, and I was also thinking of calling Xu to vent my frustration. Just then, the security guard kindly came over and successfully recharged it for me. A simple thank you, and I hurried to catch my train.

To my surprise, it was almost 10 o'clock, and there were still so many people… I'm always unsteady on my feet, so I quickly found a pillar, grabbed a spot between two girls' fingers, and stood up.

These past few years, life has felt detached from the realities of life, almost ethereal. Suddenly being part of this crowd felt quite novel. I noticed this girl's black fingernails, that girl's earrings, and another girl's dry, yellow hair tied up, her false eyelashes looking like brushes… One girl proudly showed off her iPhone 8 to the girl next to her, saying, "Don't you like this?" Another girl replied, "Too many functions, I don't know how to use them…" Ah, interesting.

Just as I was enjoying this, we arrived at our stop, and suddenly a man appeared to my right. Out of the corner of my eye, he only reached my shoulder, but seemed quite tall. It's crowded, so a little jostling is fine. Besides, he seemed to be intentionally keeping a certain distance from me. Good, good.

The bus braked suddenly, and I leaned to the right, my head touching his chest. I quickly adjusted myself. But why did the distance seem so close? I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to look at him. I just slowly moved my body away from him, leaving a tiny gap between us.

But soon, he pressed against me again…

I immediately started to examine myself… This morning, I initially wore pants and a thin black sweater, but when I looked in the mirror, I noticed my waist was slightly protruding. Thinking that Beijing hadn't gotten cold yet, and the sun was shining brightly all day, I decided to bravely wear a skirt again… So I wore a black short skirt, a knitted shawl with a tie at the chest, and black stockings (don't even mention those stockings; all three pairs had slight tears, and I ended up choosing one with a small hole on the inner thigh that you couldn't see unless you looked very closely), and the high heels I bought last time, with my straight hair down… I looked pretty normal, didn't I? Aren't professional white-collar workers supposed to wear black stockings these days? Did I look like I was attracting attention?

Thinking this, I reached out and tugged at the hem of my skirt.

Suddenly, I felt something behind my butt. Whose hand was that? No, it's cold and has a slightly hard texture… Suddenly, I remembered a harassing experience on a bus in 2017. I laughed, laughing at myself for being so sensitive—you can't expect to be harassed the moment you get on the bus, can you? You're not some sexy bombshell; you're just a grain of sand you wouldn't notice in a crowd.

Thinking this, I straightened up, looked out the window, and figured out how many stops until Sihui East, where I needed to transfer to Line 1… Taking the subway is quite a workout. For someone like me with a terrible sense of direction, my husband Xu taught me a clumsy method: just follow the crowd.

Huh? Something warm and soft was lightly touching my left buttock, and it was a palm-sized hand… Good heavens… This person… After a stop or two of increased passenger flow, I couldn't move anymore. But, do you really want me to turn around and slap him? I can't do it. I feel that people who have such thoughts are just driven by a natural physical pull; they don't want to "commit a crime," they just want to experience a fleeting thrill, and they don't want to hurt you… Good heavens… How can I think about him?

But I truly believe his mistake is forgivable, his actions tolerable. We only brushed against each other briefly, and may never see each other again in this life. What difference would it make if I said nothing, just giving him a glimpse of my feelings? What would I lose? Would I become morally corrupt because of this? ...No, I don't think so. I believe even a noble person might suddenly be drawn by physical attraction and act against their will, wanting to briefly experience that pleasure.

Besides, thinking about myself, I feel that being pressed so close by a tall man, so intimately close, is itself an indescribable experience. I would guess his psychology, analyze his behavior and its consequences, and consider my own judgment and attitude towards things... I'm not extreme, not anxious, I'm very calm, neither accepting nor rejecting, just going with the flow, which is an attitude of "it doesn't matter"... These past two days, a friend has been marveling that I'm the most indifferent person he's ever met, reaching a certain level of indifference. Oh,

right, I should talk about my feelings. On the left is a woman pressing against me, on the right is him, but why does the left feel cold, while the right feels warm? Thinking about it, I found it amusing. I could still feel his firmness on my upper right hip, as he was unintentionally rubbing it from side to side. Though the movements were small and the frequency subtle, I caught it… Then, after a few minutes, his left hand began gently caressing my left buttock, slowly moving upwards to my waist.

Ah, I saw his hand. Thankfully, clean, slightly long fingers, neatly trimmed nails.

What else could he do? He couldn't possibly pull me into his arms, could he? Just as I was thinking this, hey, we arrived at Sihui East.

Suddenly, he placed both hands on my waist… almost a full embrace… I froze. Not knowing what to do, I quietly waited for the crowd to slowly disembark. Of course, he also removed his hands and got off before me.

Looking at him from behind, his hurried back was an escape, like a child who had done something wrong and was afraid of being discovered. He knew I was behind him, but he didn't turn around even once… So I knew that this shy man's occasional excessive behavior was definitely unintentional, random and helpless.

Ah. I walked slowly, smiling.

I texted a friend saying, "I was harassed on the subway."

My friend replied, "Why don't you harass me back...

haha." I almost burst out laughing.

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[A True Account of Harassment Encountered on the Subway]

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