(Continued) Chapter 5 Motivation: Perfect Love - Section 2

Redefining Commitment:
Many volunteer respondents emphasized that their motivation for practicing polygamy was to provide sexual satisfaction for their partners. This is a strongly questioned motivation for those outside the polygamy community, yet it undeniably exists.
Within the polygamy community, there's a saying: "Seeing your loved one happy is your greatest happiness." One volunteer, "Bengzi," said, "This statement is very appropriate for couples who truly love each other." Another volunteer, "
Old Mu," said in an interview, "The term 'partner swapping' is really unpleasant; it's about reciprocity in love."
A husband who wasn't fully interviewed told me, "I think partner swapping is a challenge to male power. Women are not men's property; women should also have sexual pleasure."
Another female volunteer, who wasn't fully interviewed, proactively proposed polygamy to her husband because she had several boyfriends and sexual relationships before marriage, while her husband had never dated anyone and was a virgin at the time of marriage. She wanted her husband to experience sex with different women and gain more sexual enjoyment, believing this was fair. Providing sexual enjoyment for their partners may be the motivation this volunteer recognized for polygamy, and behind this motivation is undoubtedly the desire for "fulfilling love." Clearly, when a wife focuses on enhancing her husband's sexual enjoyment, the couple becomes closer, and the emotional commitment that breaks the taboo of "sexual exclusivity" may deepen. Novel experiences enhance passion, meaning that couples who practice sexual intercourse with the goal of providing sexual enjoyment for their husbands will strengthen intimacy, passion, and commitment, thus achieving "fulfilling love."
The relationship between breaking the taboo of sexual exclusivity and emotional commitment may require some analysis. The most important commitment in an intimate relationship is the commitment to mutual love. Other commitments, such as potential financial support, joint child-rearing, and mutual respect, can be achieved through the commitment to mutual love, or are subordinate to it. The commitment to sexual exclusivity is often understood as a natural consequence of the commitment to mutual love. However, in reality, maintaining sexual exclusivity in intimate relationships is becoming increasingly difficult. Couples may still love each other, but sexual infidelity may occur. Sexual infidelity is often understood as damaging the commitment to mutual love and will greatly threaten love and intimacy. Cohabitation revises this mainstream value regarding intimate relationships, separating "sexual infidelity" from "breach of commitment." It argues that commitment in an intimate relationship does not include sexual exclusivity, even transforming "sexual non-exclusivity" into a shared "sexual commitment." Mutually agreed-upon "sexual non-exclusivity" becomes part of the commitment to mutual love, thus redefining love in a personalized way, making it part of one's individual sexual script. The commitment in the intimate relationship is not only not broken because of the rules constructed through mutual discussion, but is actually strengthened. In other words, if cohabitation is a voluntary decision made by both parties, it not only does not break commitment and intimacy, but also strengthens the intimate relationship through mutual agreement. When analyzing and evaluating the loving relationship of cohabiting couples, one should not rely on the mainstream understanding of love, but rather on the couple's own understanding of love. According to the former, they are betrayers of love; according to the latter, they are partners who uphold the commitment required by love.
Bengzi consistently emphasizes that he wants to share happiness with his girlfriend. "Having been with so many women, and my girlfriend never being there for me during my happy times, I feel incredibly sad. It's not about feeling sorry, it's the sadness of not being able to share it with them." What does "not being able to share it with them" mean? It means the lack of intimacy in the three elements of love, the lack of being able to experience passion together, and the breakdown of traditional commitments. But when couples cohabit, a new commitment is built, and intimacy and passion return.
Bengzi and his girlfriend's first cohabitation was a threesome with a prostitute. Talking about how he felt that day, Bengzi said, "It was very happy. Being happy with my lover made me especially happy." "Seeing me happy made her happy too." This is the "complete love" that has been found again.
Volunteer Lao Mu said, "Whether a man wants two men and one woman or a woman wants two women and one man, it's mainly about loving the other person. A man's greatest happiness is seeing, especially genuinely feeling, the happiness of the woman he loves, and that's the source of her excitement. This is not only the greatness of men, but also the greatness of women." Why is it called "great"? Because of the revision of mainstream concepts of love, the redefinition of sexual commitment, and the promotion of intimate relationships, that's why it's considered "great."
Old Mu repeatedly told the author, "A man's greatest dissatisfaction is his wife's dissatisfaction."
Old Mu had two wives. He said, "When I was thirty, feeling that I was smaller than most men (referring to my penis), I often told my first wife during sex that I wanted to find someone bigger to have sex with." He wrote:
"By thirty, my wife's orgasms only came after I ejaculated, when I stimulated her clitoris with my hand. I thought it might be because my penis was small or her vagina was deep. Every time we were excited during sex, I would express my true feelings to her, always saying I would definitely find her a 'big sister' to have sex with. She would nod excitedly after hearing this. Later, she encouraged me to have sex with a short girl just to satisfy me..."
We see that the husband, in order to make his wife experience more sexual pleasure, suggested finding someone to have sex with. This fantasy itself also made the husband sexually stimulated, generating stronger sexual excitement and passion. When both husband and wife can break down the exclusive taboos of sex, the wife is also more concerned about her husband's sexual desires and encourages him to have sex with another woman. The very concept of conjugal sex is for the pleasure of the spouse; "to satisfy the other sexually" becomes an expression of affection, rather than the exclusivity of sex. Partners mutually encourage each other by considering each other's sexual pleasure. Intimacy, passion, and commitment are once again integrated.
Old Mu discussed conjugal sex with his second wife, "Xiao Er," saying it was also based on his love for her. Encouraged by Old Mu, his wife finally had sex with her first love, fulfilling a long-held dream.
Qingshan, who had always participated in conjugal sex as a single man, told me about the reasons he knew of other couples who practiced it.
When Qingshan first had a threesome, the couple had been married for two or three years and had children. The husband said he had wanted to have sex for several months, mainly because he ejaculated too quickly and couldn't satisfy his wife. The man said there was affection between them, but passion had diminished. The wife said their sex life was okay, just a little boring. "Boring" and "lack of passion" are the same thing; this couple hoped to achieve "fulfilling love" through passion.
When Aoyama participated in a threesome for the second time, the man explained that he was always traveling for work and couldn't spend time with his wife, so he wanted to find someone to have fun with. After having a threesome with the couple, Aoyama felt that the man wasn't unable to satisfy his wife because he had a large penis and lasted a long time, so it might just be "following the trend." Here, Aoyama's explanation of a man's ability to satisfy his wife based on penis size is clearly too simplistic. Even if there is such a thing as "following the trend," it's just a superficial manifestation of the behavior, not the underlying motivation.
The woman said that she initially disagreed when her husband proposed it. Later, she agreed because she was afraid he would be corrupted. The husband said that the exchange was equal. "Being afraid her husband would be corrupted" meant he might break the promise alone; "the exchange is equal" emphasizes that the couple is building a new commitment, maintaining intimacy and passion.
During Aoyama's second threesome, the husband touched his wife's genitals and found that she was very wet, saying, "It's been a long time since I've had this much wetness." Aoyama described her husband's expression: a bright smile, very happy, truly happy for his wife's sexual pleasure.
During Aoyama's third threesome, he asked the woman, "How many women has your husband had? Don't you feel like you're losing out?"
The woman replied, "A man only loses out if he only has one woman. I wasn't open-minded before; it was my husband who guided me to start having fun. Now I'm completely open." This process of "completely opening up" is a process of redefining the three elements of love.
Aoyama's fourth threesome involved a couple. The man, who called himself Lao Ma, was over 30 years older than the woman. The woman chatted with Aoyama online and then arranged to have dinner together. At the dinner table, Aoyama noticed that the woman was young and beautiful. Lao Ma explained, "I'm over 30 years older than her, and I feel I owe her a lot, so I thought it would be nice to find a younger man to have some fun with. We can't get married, so having more relationships with men is good for her. However, because I'm too old, couples might not agree to me finding someone, so I'll just find a man to have a threesome with."
Lao Ma's direct reason for helping his mistress find a man was for her sake, but it was also through this process that he solidified their relationship. The mistress no longer needed to seek out other men for extramarital affairs, but instead, she could "cheat" with a man he approved of in front of Lao Ma. This mechanism strengthened their intimacy. Similarly, taking the first two couples Aoyama encountered as examples, in order to satisfy his wife, he also needed to obtain sexual stimulation and increase "passion," which was an important motivation, at least a subconscious motivation that was not explicitly stated or consciously recognized. Through passion, a "complete love" is constructed.
Volunteer interviewee Brother Wang said, "Because almost every time my wife and I have sex, I ejaculate before she reaches orgasm, and then she masturbates to satisfy herself. After she told me, I felt very bad, so I talked to friends to stimulate her verbally. When she was aroused and needed it, my penis would penetrate her vagina, and we would both reach orgasm simultaneously, giving her great satisfaction and pleasure. Perhaps because of me, I can tolerate her having phone sex, video sex, or even having sex with other men. But I oppose her finding other men for sex herself. I like group sex." Brother Wang opposes his wife finding other men for sex because he worries she will break the promise of love and have an emotional affair. For them, the fact that his wife doesn't secretly find other men is a mutual promise they have built. With this promise, "complete love" becomes possible.
Volunteer Professor Ma from Nanjing said that men generally believe that partner swapping is for their wives' amusement. Where don't men find women? There aren't many beautiful women in the partner swapping community either. Seeing his wife enjoy herself makes him feel good too; "Let others do the hard work," he says. "What man doesn't have affairs? Men with sexual experience are free to do whatever they want," he adds. Behind this "seeing his wife enjoy herself makes him feel good too" lies the coexistence of intimacy, passion, and commitment.
Mr. Miao, one of the interviewees, says:
"Our relationship was initiated by my husband after he met her online. He believes this is the way to family harmony, not only focusing on his own sexual needs but also attending to his wife's needs—everyone has needs."
Like other men, he has had campus romances and premarital sex. In his daily work and life, he has been influenced by many bad habits and, through reflection, feels this is unhealthy. For example, many men in society take pride in pursuing women, but this "pursuit" is actually a non-emotional act aimed at getting women into bed, which naturally leads to disastrous consequences when the other woman's husband or his own wife finds out. Only when both husband and wife participate can there be balance; it's about considering the other person's happiness and sharing in their joy.
From Mr. Miao's description, we can clearly see his effort to construct "perfect love" through co-creation. In his view, neglecting one's wife's sexual needs is a lack of "intimacy"; men who pursue other women do so to seek their own "passion"; and the "disastrous consequences" of being discovered by one's wife are due to the breach of "commitment"; with all three elements of love destroyed, the intimate relationship is in grave danger. Only when "both husband and wife participate together" can the trinity of intimacy, passion, and commitment—the joy of sharing each other's happiness—be present.
Qiqi, a female volunteer interviewee, also proactively suggested cohabitation to her husband. She explained, "There's no particular reason; it's simply that I want him to experience the joy of cohabitation. I think every man would actually like it, or at least be interested in trying it. If it were for my own sake, there's no need. I can easily find a good partner on my own."
Qiqi added, "Why do men have mistresses? A large part of the reason is probably to obtain better sexual enjoyment. So, if cohabitation can help men achieve this goal, perhaps men will be less concerned about mistresses?"
However, Qiqi denied that encouraging her husband to engage in cohabitation was mainly to divert his attention from his mistress: "That's only a small part of my thinking. I mainly want him to be happy. Men's youth is limited; as they get older, they may not have the means to enjoy themselves. If a man has erectile dysfunction, he can't work; even if a woman is old and loses her beauty, she can still engage in sexual activity."
Qiqi's thoughts are exactly the opposite of many men who encourage their wives to engage in cohabitation. Those men believe that women's youth is very short, and it's difficult to find sexual partners as they get older, while men can find younger women when they get old. As one volunteer interviewee, Xiao Liu, once said, "Women between the ages of 20 and 40 have opportunities to enjoy sex. After that age, even if they want to, no one is willing to do it with them. Men are different; even at 80, as long as they have money and sexual ability, they can still have sex."
Because Qi Qi had previously engaged in many extramarital sexual activities, I discussed with her whether encouraging her husband to practice conjugal sex was out of a compensatory mentality. Qi Qi said, "He knows nothing about my affairs, and I won't tell him. Because he simply cannot accept it. I never intend to let him know about my affairs; I don't need his knowledge or permission. I have neither the mentality of protecting myself through conjugal sex nor any feelings of guilt. I just feel that I can open a door for him. As for whether he is willing to go through it, that's up to him. Maybe I fantasize that if it's successful, it will help improve the marital relationship."
"Improving the marital relationship"—this is the ultimate goal of Qi Qi's advocacy for conjugal sex, although Qi Qi herself may not even be fully aware of it. From Qiqi's description, we can see her unique understanding of commitment (that her infidelity doesn't require her husband's knowledge or permission), her yearning for intimacy (caring about her husband's sexual enjoyment and "youthfulness"), and her concept of co-creation as an enhancement of passion. These are all phased goals, serving the ultimate goal of "promoting the marital relationship." The goal of promoting the marital relationship is what the triadic theory of love calls "complete love."
Interviewee Lingling once wrote in a letter to her lover: "I love you so much, so I'm willing to let you fly to a happier place! Liu Ruoying's song is about letting go and breaking up, haha, now I think it's more about co-creation, hehe."
(End)

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(Continued) Chapter 5 Motivation: Perfect Love - Section 2

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