A marriage counseling note

S is a married career woman in her early thirties from Shanghai. When she came to me, she was in the final stages of her second affair. She came to me simply seeking emotional support from friends and advice on how to handle the aftermath.
S's husband was her high school classmate, who had pursued her since then. S had never really liked this man, but she still married him. S explained: "Because he's always been very good to me, our relationship became a habit, and marrying him felt natural. It would have been strange not to marry him."
There's a significant difference in how men and women perceive sex and love. Men strictly distinguish between love and sex. A man may have many sexual partners, but he will only truly love one woman. He might sleep with a woman he doesn't love, but he would never marry her. Women, on the other hand, are often blurred in their understanding of sex and love, finding it difficult to define the boundaries. A woman might not sleep with a man she doesn't love, but she might marry him. A woman believes her soul will always belong to the man she loves, and she can yearn for him day and night, even knowing they can never be together. Women find it hard to escape from a dreamlike love life, believing this to be love.
However, S has many complaints about her husband. I believe the underlying reason for these complaints is that in their relationship, her husband has always revolved around her. S cannot experience passion or romance in the marriage because she has always been passive; her husband has always served her, which has prevented her from recognizing his value.
From their student days to their marriage, her husband has always played a subordinate, follower role. This is a major problem in their relationship.
Furthermore, their personalities are incompatible. In S's words, married life was bland and dull.
Against this backdrop, S easily fell into her first affair. The man confessed his love to her, she had a good impression of him, and she accepted. After their first time sleeping together, S believed this man would marry her. Because in her view, since they loved each other, marriage was a natural thing. If two people love each other, they will want to stay together forever. This was logical in S's mind. However, her first lover was already married and had children. He clearly told S: "We can only be lovers, not husband and wife. I will not divorce."
They were together for over a year, both very invested. S loved this lover, and he loved her too. It was a passionate, intense, and frenzied affair. But a persistent problem between them was that the better and more harmonious their relationship, including sexual harmony, the more S felt they should get married and live together. But S's lover repeatedly said: "It's impossible." He had to be responsible for his marriage and his children. They began to clash constantly over this, threatening to break up several times, but ultimately, because of their deep affection, they didn't separate.
S doubted her lover's feelings for her. She said that if he truly loved her, he would divorce his wife and marry her. But her lover said that divorce was too difficult and complicated. Besides, he loved his children and his wife; although there was no passion between them, there was familial affection.
Her lover even said, "Imagine a divorced man; he can abandon his own flesh and blood. What else can't he abandon? Wouldn't he abandon you too? What is there for you to love about a man who can abandon his own flesh and blood?"
But all these words sounded like sweet talk to S.
The two went through cycles of passion, infatuation, struggle, and pain... until one day, S finally made up her mind that this time they had to separate. And
they really separated.
This time, S never looked back.
Her lover was heartbroken.
At the breakup, S said, "I will never have an affair again." Her lover said, "You will. You will.
" S was exhausted from constantly switching roles between two men.
But the truth was, soon S had another suitor and quickly accepted him.
This second lover was also married. S said that one sentence he said played a big role in her decision to accept him. This man said, "If I ever get divorced, you must propose to me!"
S was shocked. She told me that this man would divorce his wife for her! He gave her a vision and longing for marriage; he loved her.
S's thinking was that most married men don't talk about divorce when they have affairs, but this man did, so his feelings for her were very deep, and she should accept it.
I countered S, saying she was wrong. Giving you a promise of marriage is too easy; anyone can say it. It's a very simple sentence; who can't say it? Who wouldn't say it? But a responsible man, a man who doesn't want to lie, won't say it. And many married men often use sweet talk like they're about to divorce or marry their lovers to seduce the women they want to possess. (This trick almost always works on women!)
The matter is so simple; why couldn't S believe the truth, which might not be pleasant to hear, instead of believing the pleasant but untrue words? In my opinion, when a man tells a woman, "You absolutely have to propose to me," it sounds too contrived, too performative. But S couldn't see through it. This is the emotional intelligence limitation most women exhibit when faced with sweet words and their vulnerabilities are touched.
S fell in love again, investing even more than the first time. She even considered divorcing her husband. She believed her desire for divorce had nothing to do with this second affair or the man in it. In fact, she was wrong; it was related. After saying that, her lover never discussed divorce or marriage with her.
Another year passed in the affair, and the second lover explained to S that when the time was right, he would definitely divorce his wife and marry her; they needed to wait for the right moment. S believed him.
There was no "right moment"; it was merely a delaying tactic, a further lie. I clearly told S this.
It's worth mentioning that S and her second lover worked in the same company, cooperating closely; they were mid-level managers in different departments. S provided her lover with a lot of help in his career and work, doing many things for him to help him achieve rapid success.
About a year after they became lovers, one day, S discovered flirtatious chat logs between her lover and two other women on his QQ software. S was devastated.
In fact, S had sensed similar signs many times before, indicating the existence of other lovers in her lover's life. Whenever S questioned him, her lover would cover it up with sweet talk, and a woman in love is blind. She believed him.
But this time, faced with the truth, S was deeply hurt. Out of a retaliatory act, an instinct, S copied her lover's chat logs with the other women and sent them to his wife. She also texted her lover, saying, "I did this."
S said she did all this to solidify her resolve to leave her lover. And she did. Her lover texted her: "If my wife dies, no one will live."
I told S that just from this one message, it's clear he never considered divorce, and could never divorce her. He at least had deep affection for his wife.
Of course, this also reveals the depth of this lover's feelings for S. For him to threaten a woman, a woman he'd been in love with for over a year, is utterly despicable. When you truly love someone, you can understand and forgive many of their mistakes, even extreme ones. At least, this aligns with my professional understanding. Because the ideal state of loving someone is genuine heartfelt compassion, not selfishness or solely thinking of one's own interests.
S still has some issues to resolve regarding her breakup with her lover.
They were colleagues. What impact would the end of their affair have on their future? S had some glaring evidence of her lover's betrayal of the company, such as her lover having her wife's company negotiate business with hers, and her husband acting as the other company's representative to receive her. This harmed the company while benefiting his wife and family.
My advice to S was that the best option for her was to give this evidence to her boss and get rid of this man; that would be the safest option. S, of course, couldn't bring herself to do that.
In the end, they could only negotiate and reach a gentleman's agreement, drawing a clear line in their work and not interfering with or harming each other. But I felt that this man's existence was a potential danger to S. Perhaps because S is my friend, I was too empathetic and exaggerated this danger.
However, a man who values climbing the corporate ladder so much, as time goes on, will do things that harm S to climb the ladder himself once his interests conflict with S's. He could do this too easily because they know each other too well, they know each other's weaknesses, where to attack, and so on.
I don't know how long their gentleman's agreement of "non-aggression" will last. I just lament the fragility of infidelity and feel sorry for S. I pity her misfortune and am angry at her lack of resistance. She always wanted to find a lover she could marry, and it was this fantasy that hurt her in the affair.
S ignored the value of her husband, her first man. In my opinion, her husband was someone she should cherish. Her husband knew about her first lover. What he did was tolerate and forgive, hoping his wife would come back. He wrote her a letter, hoping she could rationally weigh the situation and cherish the path they had walked together.
When she was with her second lover, S even bluntly told her husband during an argument: "I have a boyfriend, what are you going to do about it?"
And her husband said: "Go ahead and play around. I believe you will come home one day."
A man tolerated his wife with his tolerance.
When I discussed this issue with S, she said, "Maybe it's because he doesn't love me that he doesn't care about me."
I said, "You're wrong." You interpret his apparent lack of jealousy and tolerance as indifference, and further, you conclude that he doesn't love you. I don't believe that's the case. If you were a couple, his attitude might be as you suspect, and your judgment would at least have some basis. But you are husband and wife, and what your husband is overturning in this situation is a concept of private property, a sense of possession, a notion that men can have multiple wives while women must be subservient. Almost no man is truly indifferent to his wife's infidelity, but S's husband transcends all of this and repeatedly tolerates S. The only explanation is that he loves S and deeply understands the fragility of marriage and many other human weaknesses.
I advised S to try to repair her marriage. They haven't eaten together at home for years. I told S that she should make her husband breakfast. S immediately retorted, "Why me? Why not him?" I said that marriage requires initial giving, and both partners need to be willing to give to each other. This is a process that requires adjustment, and S has a long way to go.
S also said that after this second affair, she would manage her marriage well and would never have another one.
She said the same thing after ending her first affair, but broke her promise less than six months later. I believe the situation won't change much this time either. Because a fundamental problem is that S hasn't realized that marriage and passion/romance are two different things. She also hasn't realized that finding marriage through an affair is extremely difficult. I told
S that, based on our years of experience, out of a hundred couples having affairs, only one couple might actually divorce their spouses; out of a hundred couples who divorce because of affairs, only one couple might actually marry their lover. When your roles change, when your relationship changes, you might realize that this person isn't suitable as your spouse. The reason you say you want to marry him now is because your roles are different.
When you become "unmarried" and have a wider range of choices, your views and perspectives might completely change.
Even if you get married, what will it be like after going through so much? Either you discover too many problems, leading to arguments and a breakup; or you find many shortcomings and seek passion outside the marriage to compensate. It's like going in circles, returning to the state you were in before your first marriage broke down. What's the point?
At the same time, you'll inevitably lose the tacit understanding that only exists between first spouses. It's not that it's impossible to cultivate that kind of understanding in a later marriage, but it's much harder. Because when you were in your first marriage, you were young, your understanding of marriage and love was so simple. You two went through so many innocent years together, perhaps years of hardship in terms of economics and social standing, struggling and enjoying each other. During this time, you slowly built a tacit understanding and affection. But these things are difficult to achieve in a remarriage.
Too many examples show that remarried couples find it much harder to achieve the tacit understanding and mutual care of first spouses.
If you lack romance, go find it outside of marriage. But don't fantasize about turning an affair into marriage; otherwise, you will lose romance and the tacit understanding of your original marriage.
Of course, I know that her feelings are different as a woman; women all hope for a perfect union of love and marriage. However, it is precisely because such a union is so difficult to achieve that there are so many relationship dilemmas in the world, which is why my counseling work is needed.

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A marriage counseling note

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