A Feminist Girl's Co-conjugation Experience (Sections 2 & 3)

Second, is cohabitation for love wrong?
In Chapter Five, when discussing the motivations for participating in cohabitation, we mentioned that Xiuxiu participated in cohabitation for the happiness of her lover, "Darling," and she felt very happy because of it: "What's wrong with being happy because you're happy? This happiness is greater than the happiness I get from the event itself. It's a way to gain happiness and satisfaction. Seeing Darling happy makes me happy, that's the most important thing, nothing else matters."
Xiuxiu's lover once said that if Xiuxiu participated in cohabitation only for his happiness, then their relationship was unequal and wrong. Xiuxiu refuted this: "I really don't understand what's wrong with being happy because of the happiness of the person I love. I don't think there's any inequality. Although the reasons are different, I can still get real happiness and satisfaction from it. This is my own choice, my own feeling, and it's my right. But if I perform so that Darling can see me excited, that's the real inequality and coercion."
When Xiuxiu's lover chatted online with a cohabiting couple, the other person asked Xiuxiu's attitude, and the lover replied, "She listens to me." The lover copied this conversation and sent it to Xiuxiu. Xiuxiu felt very moved by the phrase "She listens to me," and felt excited just looking at it. Xiuxiu once described her thought process when she was about to meet her cohabitation partner: "My first reaction after hearing that I was going to meet Mr. and Mrs. H wasn't whether the man was handsome or not, but whether the woman was pretty or not. But I wasn't sure whether I wanted her to be pretty or not. I wanted her to be pretty because that would make my partner more satisfied. I also wanted her to be less pretty than me because that would make my partner feel good, and he might be more dominant in the relationship and enjoy the process more. In short, I wanted my lover to be happier."
Xiuxiu had an experience where she seemed to be "used." Her lover, "Darling," had arranged for a single man, M, to discuss cohabitation. M was responsible for picking Xiuxiu up that day and then taking her home after their conversation. As she was leaving, "Darling" jokingly said to M, "Thank you for your trouble, picking me up and dropping me off, and you didn't do anything, just looked around."
Afterwards, Xiuxiu offered an analysis of this: "
Darling said to M, 'Thank you for your trouble, picking me up and dropping me off, and you didn't do anything, just looked around.'" "Just glanced at it"—this is undoubtedly a typical statement that feminists abhor, treating women as objects to be seen, to be manipulated. I know my dear said that to appease M, and I understand. I don't know how many women have heard such words, nor do I know how they feel. But I can't deny that I like being said that. Including my dear saying that M wouldn't have come if it weren't for me; and M saying that he used me as leverage to lure me here. I think I would feel like a pawn being used, but I do it willingly. I'm truly happy that I have value in my dear's life, that I can do something for the person I love in this matter. What it is doesn't matter; as long as I have value, I feel happy, and I believe my dear will love me more because of it, and love me for a longer time, and that's enough for me.
In the process of being a "tool" and a "plaything," women can gain happiness and joy. This happiness and joy comes from love, whether it's based on existing love or the expectation of a deeper love in the future. If we still insist that sexual monogamy is the only moral, ethical, and loving standard, then we will be unable to understand such women and will despise such men. However, if we acknowledge that sex and the body can be a form of entertainment and a tool, while love transcends the physical, then it is not difficult to understand the feelings of both parties involved.
Xiuxiu also shared a self-analysis related to M: "I'm talking to M tomorrow, and I'm really looking forward to it. I want to know what it feels like for two men and a woman to sit in soft lighting and talk about sex. I don't have any emotional connection to M, nor any fantasies about him. I trust my feelings, and I hope he won't give me a bad feeling. However, the other day, my darling said he wanted me to give him oral sex on the spot, and I was quite excited. I remembered O's story, where her man took her to meet strange men and made her do those things. I've had such fantasies, but I don't know if I could do it in reality. At noon, I rushed to get on M's car. M was very interested, asking all sorts of questions, and I just
helplessly responded, not knowing what I was saying. I want to get to my darling's side as soon as possible; that's when I feel safe." Although Xiuxiu, who has a "dog-slave" tendency in sex, repeatedly emphasizes that her main reason for choosing a "co-partner" is to make her partner "happier," we can also see that Xiuxiu hasn't completely relinquished her right to choose. Subconsciously, she still hopes that M is handsome and that he won't give her a bad feeling. Although she acquiesced to the choice of partner based on trust in her partner, her primary focus and interest lay in the anticipation of her conversation with M and the act of having her "man take her to meet a strange man and make her do those things." Therefore, we can consider Xiuxiu's choice based on the expectation of "making her lover happier" as a superficial one, while the deeper motivation was her own expectation of "being introduced to a strange man by her lover and having him do those things." Thus, in the "dog slave" enthusiast who exhibits "dependency" and "attachment" in sexual matters, we can still strongly see her intrinsic need for self within the "co-partnership."
While some feminists criticize women for "sacrificing themselves" for "love," Xiuxiu expressed "great excitement" after hearing the story of Brother Niu and Xiao Sun, saying, "Being transferred from my man to another man, repaying a favor for my man, makes me feel a great love; this is the greatness of sacrifice." Clearly, it is because of sufficient confidence in her love for "her man" that she can feel this "greatness of sacrifice." The man who "gives" his woman, and the woman who is "given," both love each other deeply. Because they transcend the traditional values of sexual exclusivity, the act of "giving" and "being given" occurs, and therefore cannot be understood in the traditional sense that "women are men's tools and playthings." The story of Xiao Sun and Brother Niu, where Xiao Sun repays a favor for Brother Niu, illustrates this principle.
Xiu Xiu's lover enjoys having threesomes with girls, but he worries that Xiu Xiu prefers men, so he discusses the issue with her several times.
Xiu Xiu says:
"Two women and two men are different. My dear said that with two women, he can interact with both, but with two men, he can't interact with the other man; it's not as enjoyable as with two women. I don't seem to have this problem. When there are two women, I see my dear's satisfied look; I see him smiling happily, and I am happy too, like Lin Daiyu or Baochai, seemingly carefree." But I'm a little worried that I won't do as well as the other woman. I know that even if the other girl is very pretty, and I feel great with my darling, and he still loves me the most, I always want to make him more comfortable.
For me, two men, two women, multiple people—they're all different. But compared to doing it alone with my darling, they're all the same. There's no comparison with two people; two people is about feelings, multiple people is just a game—the nature is completely different. When I do it alone with my darling, I invest a lot of emotion, but this is just a game. Before, I had expectations, but afterwards I felt it wasn't that great, so I didn't particularly want it anymore.
From this passage, it's clear that Xiuxiu likes this because her lover likes to invite girls over. On the other hand, she claims she doesn't have a strong sense of gender: "When couples are looking for a partner for a threesome, is there a big difference between choosing a man and choosing a woman? For most couples, it probably is, because people still think and experience within the framework of a binary gender division. They feel they must be jealous of the same sex in front of their opposite-sex partner, otherwise they can't prove their love for the other person. If that's the case, when we face an intersex person or a transgender person who hasn't completed their gender reassignment surgery, who should be jealous? Actually, for me, this question doesn't exist, because I believe I'm deeply influenced by queer theory and Butler's theory, and I don't have a strong sense of gender."
When Xiuxiu says she lacks gender awareness, she actually means she lacks awareness of the binary division of biological sex. She says, "I am influenced by gender identity theories in a multicultural context, and I internally oppose the binary division of gender. The third wave of feminism seeks to redefine identity, difference, and the relationship between the two, refusing to ignore identity based on difference, and also refusing to ignore difference based on identity, but exploring multiple identities, including multiple gender identities. Even within feminism, there are significant differences in viewpoints. Julia Kristeva, one of the three leading figures of contemporary French feminism, said in 'Women's Time' that 'the binary opposition of men and women as antagonistic entities can be understood as belonging to the metaphysical realm.' In a new theoretical and scientific space where the concept of identity itself is challenged, what is the meaning of 'identity,' or 'gender identity'? For Kristeva, the establishment of a new social order will destroy all identities, especially in a postmodern society where meaning is diversified."
Butler says that gender should be seen as a fluid variant that changes in different situations and at different times. This view is completely opposite to the traditional heterosexual view of gender, which holds that gender arises from biological sex, which is innate and natural, and therefore gender is fixed and unchanging. Butler argues that some feminist theories view "women" as a group of people with the same characteristics and interests, which is not only a fallacy but also falls into the trap of gender binaryism, because a woman's identity is always linked to multiple factors such as her ethnicity, class, region, and race (Judith Butler, 1990: 3).
Butler refutes this view, arguing that gender is a sociocultural construct; therefore, the distinction between biological sex and gender implies a fundamental inconsistency between the biologically sexed body and the culturally constructed gender. "When the constructed status of gender is theoretically interpreted as independent of biological sex, gender itself becomes a free-floating object, the result of which is that men and masculine traits may represent the female body, and women and feminine traits may represent the male body." (Judith Butler, 1990: 6)
Xiuxiu recalled that in her rather primitive state of mind, she did not reject women, and in fact, she had such a concept, although it was not so theoretical. Xiuxiu believes: "Liking someone is about liking a person, and it's not influenced by whether they are a man or a woman. Sometimes you might like a certain temperament, which may be shaped by culture and manifested in people of a particular gender, but it's definitely not because the genders themselves are different. So when my dear asked me whether I wanted to find a man or a woman, I didn't think it was a question. For me, it was the same. I knew it would affect my dear, but I wasn't sure what kind of impact it would have. My dear inspired me; figuring this out is quite important for gender studies at this stage. Of course, finding a man and a woman would be a different experience for me, but that's not important. Obviously, this isn't on the same level as what my dear is worried about. After experiencing the reflection of the negation of negation, queer theory challenges the binary structure of male and female, and challenges all strict..." The challenge of classifying gender. I think that perhaps because I've always clung to my simple, primitive beliefs, I've ironically aligned myself with this kind of thinking that's struggling to break down traditional concepts. So, my dear once said I was subversive, but I don't think it's subversive, because I haven't formed a traditional gender consciousness at all, so there's nothing to subvert. The reason I accept everything is simply because I'm natural and authentic; these are just human nature. It
's also based on this reason that Xiuxiu believes she's been socialized to a very low degree. Some things aren't about whether she can learn them, but whether she's willing to learn them. As a child, Xiuxiu often asked herself, "Why do I have to do that? Why must I be like everyone else, shaping myself according to a uniform standard?" So she's always resisted this socialization process. Although some forces are irresistible, having this kind of resistance is different from blindly conforming.
Xiuxiu said she strongly supports her lover's desire for multiple partners: "I still support my dear in pursuing beautiful things. What I want to talk about here is the issue of perspective. Individuals who internalize cultural norms and embody their existence reinforce existing social norms, while those who refuse to accept these norms and social meanings often promote changes in social norms. Reflecting on cultural norms can help us recognize the arbitrariness of cultural expectations and further realize that not all cultural expectations are desirable, allowing us more freedom in choosing our own course of action and personal identity." Xiuxiu considers herself such a thinker.
Thirdly, in letting her lover decide on
cohabitation, Xiuxiu highly values her lover's feelings. In one instance of cohabitation, while her lover and Xiuxiu were making love, three other men were touching Xiuxiu. Xiuxiu also grabbed one of the men's erect penises and touched it, creating a very "lewd" scene. After her lover ejaculated, the three men continued to touch Xiuxiu. At this point, her lover, having calmed down, hooked Xiuxiu's foot with his finger. Xiuxiu immediately understood his meaning, got out of bed, and went into the bathroom with him.
Afterwards, the two discussed the situation. "Darling," asked Xiuxiu how she felt when she was touched by several men. Xiuxiu replied, "To be honest, I didn't feel like four men were touching me. I was only focused on your feelings. In my imagination, the scene should have been very exciting, but in reality, I had too many things to consider, which prevented me from fully immersing myself in it. I need to be in the right state of mind to have a strong feeling. What I care about most is your feelings. When I touched that man, it wasn't a matter of whether I wanted to or not; it was involuntary. Because whether it was the movies I'd seen or my previous imaginations, it seemed natural for me to touch him. I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to."
Regarding her lover's signal to leave, "Darling" asked Xiuxiu if she felt it was too abrupt. Xiuxiu said, "I didn't feel anything. I would agree with whatever you asked in any situation and feel that I should do as you say. I didn't feel that continuing would be good either. When you told me to get up, I felt great. I like it when you clearly tell me what to do; it makes me feel comfortable. Otherwise, I would have to guess, consider whether I did the right thing, and speculate about what you would do." "I'm not unhappy."
Regarding the whole incident, Xiuxiu said, "I don't have any particular feelings about it, but it's a kind of feeling too. I feel like I have to follow my darling's lead, and only when everything is under his control and he's happy can I feel at ease."
Regarding her lover having sex with another woman in front of her, Xiuxiu said, "I never expected him to only have sex with me, because that's impossible. It's human nature; don't deny it, don't avoid it, don't deceive yourself. Since it's bound to happen, and my support will make him love me more, why not? Actually, the most important thing is that he made me believe that my place in his heart is irreplaceable. Also, I clearly know that these women are not what he likes; it's just an experience. From the moment I agreed to be his lover, I knew that if I couldn't even accept this, what right did I have to love him and be loved by him? Besides, our relationship is constantly evolving, we still have such a long road ahead, and so much more to experience together; this is not a problem at all."
After that encounter, her lover became even gentler towards Xiuxiu. Xiuxiu explained, "Because he's more certain that I'll do the things we imagine together, and that I won't fall for someone else just because we've had more experiences. I'll keep everything under his control. So he cherishes me more and cares about me more."
During a group sex scene, her lover asked Xiuxiu if she wanted to sleep with other people, and Xiuxiu retorted by asking him if she could sleep with other people. This back-and-forth questioning confused the others present, who assumed they were both unwilling to sleep with others, and therefore didn't participate.
Regarding her experience at the time, Xiuxiu's lover told the author: "My feelings were very complicated. I wanted to see her being penetrated, which would excite me, but I was also very concerned about her feelings, afraid that she wasn't willing and was just doing it to make me happy. A friend wanted her to give him oral sex, and when she looked at me, I nodded, and she immediately gave him oral sex. Later, another friend asked if he could penetrate her, and she looked up at me again. I wanted to see her being penetrated, but I knew she wasn't interested in this friend, so I asked her, 'Are you willing?' She didn't answer, which meant she was still asking for my opinion. But afterwards, she told me that although she didn't like that friend, she was willing to have sex with him in that atmosphere, but she didn't get my approval, so she wouldn't. I said, 'Let's use a condom.' The friend went to put on a condom, but after putting it on, he couldn't keep it up; he went soft. So we didn't have sex."
In this process, we see the mutual respect between Xiuxiu and her lover for each other's feelings. This reminds us of a theory about "sexual confusion." The argument is that, to avoid misinterpreting each other's sexual messages, lovers require verbal consent for every step of their actions. Sex is often treated as a form of enjoyment; how, with whom, where, when, and why it occurs are determined by existing social processes long before people even begin sexual activity. This model of obtaining verbal consent at every step imagines sexual partners as calmer, more conscious, more controlled, and more sensible. This also undermines the most important purpose of sex: pleasure. (PePPer Schwartz, Virginia Rutter 2004: 134-137) However, Xiuxiu doesn't see it that way, because during co-op, they value the expression of love and the partner's desire far more than the pleasure derived from penetration. This psychological experience may be exactly what co-op partners want.
Afterwards, someone present at the time discussed the "circular questioning" with Xiuxiu's lover, debating whether Xiuxiu had "autonomy" during the process:
Xiuxiu's lover: That cycle was because we were both too focused on each other's feelings.
(End)

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A Feminist Girl's Co-conjugation Experience (Sections 2 & 3)

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