(Excerpt) The Rise and Current Status of "Partner Swapping"

The term "swapping," also known as partner swapping, refers to two or more couples exchanging partners for sexual intercourse. This unusual form of sexual transaction has existed for some time; however, from a cultural perspective, swapping is more than just sex; it carries significant social implications. Li Yinhe argues that "swapping is not about morality," while others say it reflects the inner spiritual crisis of the middle class—we hope this can become a topic for serious yet moderate discussion.
The Rise of Partner Swapping:
Sexual swapping refers to a legally married couple or cohabiting couple having sex with another person or several people simultaneously. This practice first appeared in the United States, around the 1950s.
In the 1997 film *The Ice Storm*, directed by Ang Lee and depicting the changing lives of middle-class families in the United States during the 1970s, such gatherings were also called "key parties." Couples attending the party would place their car and house keys in a bowl at the entrance. Upon leaving, the organizer would gather everyone to randomly draw a key from the bowl. If you drew a key that wasn't the one you had placed in, you would have to take someone else's wife or husband home for the night.
Following the terminology used in a 2001 South Korean film, such private gatherings can be called "club butterfly."
These "group sex clubs" are widespread in Europe, America, Japan, Australia, and other countries, holding regular gatherings.
On December 26, 2005, the Associated Press reported that a seven-year legal battle over group sex clubs in Canada finally resulted in their legalization on December 21.
The Delbecs, married for over 20 years and with three grown sons, had been regulars at "group sex clubs" since 1978. For 21 years, they attended various group sex parties and orgies, engaging in consensual sexual relations with strangers. In 1998, during a revelry at the "Lightning Club," they were raided by police and arrested. This marked the beginning of a seven-year legal battle to legalize group sex.
On February 21, 2005, the Supreme Court of Canada issued a final ruling, overturning the ban on "group sex clubs" and "sexual harassment clubs," declaring that group sex among adults with mutual consent is legal, not considered prostitution, and does not pose a threat to society.
After winning a landmark case, the "Lightning" group sex club was willing to open its "group sex" venue to reporters for the first time—the place "described as a brothel" in the court proceedings. Owner Rabe explained that after the court ruling, the club was practically partying all night long, with members celebrating their victory with even more extravagant group sex.
In recent years, these "sexual harassment clubs" have also spread to Hong Kong, as well as major cities like Shenyang, Guangzhou, Chongqing, Lanzhou, and Nanjing. They operate in the cracks of social norms: by day, they are civil servants, white-collar workers, and state-owned enterprise cadres; by night, they are enthusiastic about parties called "exchanging tenderness," which outsiders and the media refer to as "sexual harassment clubs."
Partner swapping – an American-style sex club
activity – has become increasingly popular among the American middle class in recent years. It is estimated that there are now over 500 such clubs nationwide, with some large clubs even booking entire hotels for passionate sex parties with up to 4,000 attendees.
Lazilet, head of a Los Angeles sex club, stated that in the 1970s, sex swappers were mostly rebellious, long-haired hippie couples, while today they are primarily middle-class couples in their 30s and 40s with stable jobs and incomes. Every weekend, partner swapping parties are held in major cities from San Jose, California to San Francisco.
American-style sex swapping is very extravagant. Couples who participate are often wealthy, sometimes booking entire hotels for group partner swapping parties. Recently, over 4,000 members booked a 17-story hotel on Miami Beach, Florida. Sex swappers have also established approximately 500 sex clubs across the United States. Participants
are expected to consciously abide by the rules of the game. Maravira, who is fond of BDSM, says that it's usually the husbands who suggest joining these clubs, but many wives also become fond of the sexual activities after joining. Each couple joining a BDSM club must pay a membership fee; single men and women are not allowed to participate. Clubs generally have a large supply of condoms.
There are quite a few "BDSM clubs" in the United States that act as matchmakers, bringing together couples with such needs. For example, Club H in Minnesota, which is well-known in the BDSM community, organizes a group BDSM event called "Swing Stock" every summer, inviting hundreds of couples to drive to a campground in the countryside for a weekend getaway.
Because the Swing Stock campground is privately owned, some men and women can freely engage in BDSM activities naked in broad daylight. Some believe that this activity is only different in degree from a "sex party," but participants believe they are not bothering anyone, and therefore there is no reason for outsiders to interfere with their freedom. There are generally two ways
to participate in partner swapping
: one is one-on-one swapping;
this method is relatively rare, and it usually involves one couple directly swapping with another. These couples do not want to go to "sex clubs" and instead seek out cultured, high-income white-collar workers based on their own preferences and requirements, with both parties agreeing on a match.
Another method is through sex clubs:
(a) Some
couples choose partners freely. Before formal activities begin, they can exchange ideas and choose partners who are suitable and compatible with them and their spouses. Once a pairing begins, it cannot be changed arbitrarily.
(b) Some couples are randomly assigned.
This type of "club," popular in middle-class European family gatherings and formed for sexual purposes, is already widespread in Chinese cities. For middle-class individuals with stable jobs and high incomes, such small-scale gatherings offer a unique and private experience, usually taking place in upscale clubs or pre-arranged hotels. Typically, the organizer decides the time and participants, then makes room reservations by phone. Participants, after finishing work on weekends, either together or separately, head to the agreed-upon location. They first check in as couples, obtaining room keys. Then, they have dinner, chat, and sing karaoke together. Late at night, after the ladies have returned to their rooms, the gentlemen place their keys face down on the table. They draw a key and enter the room corresponding to the number drawn. Those "unlucky" enough to draw their own room can request to draw again.
The advantages and disadvantages of partner swapping
are:
1. It allows both partners to have more sexual intimacy, openly between spouses, if an agreement can be reached.
2. Through swapping, sex for two becomes sex for four, gaining novelty, making sexual stimulation more intense, and stimulating sexual passion and satisfying curiosity.
3. The marriage can be maintained if both parties are willing and can reach an agreement, avoiding divorce due to extramarital sex.
4. Both spouses have equal opportunities if both parties are willing and can reach an agreement.
5. ***Introduces a competitive mechanism, using the possibility of losing a husband or wife to stimulate emotional communication and mutual attraction between spouses, fostering a sense of ownership and companionship.
The downsides are:
1. Seeing one's beloved have sex with someone else, causing them immense pain and torment, will make them feel abandoned by their loved one.
2. It can damage the intimate relationship between spouses, especially when love and sex cannot be separated, ultimately leading to the breakdown of the marriage. If a spouse engages in sexual activity with others, particularly witnessing their spouse's passionate and intense lovemaking, the spouse feels they have lost their exclusive rights and may no longer be considered worthy of their affection. However, this raises a question: is cherishing a spouse based solely on sex and their physical body?
3. It introduces a competitive mechanism, with everyone striving to demonstrate superior sexual prowess and fearing being perceived as weaker and failing in the competition.
4. Seeing one's partner being sexually exploited by others can lead to feelings of being taken advantage of, even if the spouse also engages in sexual activity with other partners.
5. Afterwards, if others find out, there will be significant social pressure. If this pressure is unbearable, feelings of shame and self-loathing may arise.
Mate Swapping - Thoughts and Feelings of Participants
Men's Thoughts and Feelings
● In Europe and America, mate swapping is not new. Although most people find this behavior absurd, those involved have their own explanations. They believe that couples who have been together for a long time inevitably become bored with each other. To avoid extramarital affairs, it's better to "relieve" this through mate swapping, with mutual understanding. Participants often consider themselves "open-minded." They firmly believe in the weakness of human nature, and rather than escaping reality and suffering in silence, they choose to swap partners with other couples who share the same views. They are not bothering anyone else, so there is no reason for outsiders to interfere with their freedom.
● Swapping is often done in the name of love, but sometimes "swapping" can also be a "helpless descent." When the expected pleasure is not obtained, it can cause great sadness and frustration for both parties.
● It has a significant improving effect on married life. Our relationship as a couple is very good, and our family is harmonious. When asked whether "mate swapping" would have a negative impact on family life, a man answered very affirmatively that it was just a way to adjust our married life. He added that the experience of swapping has indeed brought fresh stimulation, improved quality, and strengthened our relationship.
● When a man was choosing a swap partner for his wife, he emphasized the compatibility of the partner's psychological qualities and temperament with his own.
● It was after having children for three or four years that the couple experienced aesthetic fatigue, leading to a lack of passion in their emotional life, prompting them to seriously consider this bold idea. "I want my wife to experience a different kind of pleasure. We absolutely cannot talk about feelings; in fact, other people are unwilling to swap with couples who have emotional problems."
● It's simply a physical game, not that complicated.
● You are married, but you find that this is not your ideal marriage. Love requires compromise, so swapping is just a lifestyle choice.
● First, it's definitely best to avoid both parties being acquaintances. If, in the end, they turn out to be acquaintances from the same workplace or company, that would be terrible.
● Initially, the wife was afraid of losing face and being taken advantage of, and refused. Later, after attending several colleague gatherings, she felt that these friends were not scoundrels, were friendly, and respected women, so she agreed to try it. That evening, a singing competition was arranged, she won first place, and received a beauty voucher from a client. In subsequent encounters, seeing the diverse and enjoyable activities everyone engaged in, and the lack of gossip, drug use, or perverse practices like multiple partners, the wife completely loosened up.
● In reality, many people believe partner swapping is wonderful, but it's not. Perhaps it brings more embarrassment and potential future impact on marital relationships.
● Some believe it's a new and exciting experience, free from financial burden. If each partner had their own lover, emotional control would be difficult. Therefore, partner swapping satisfies the need for stimulation and unfamiliarity, allowing couples to move forward and retreat together.
● It's not about morality. I don't want to be judged morally; I have the right to enjoy my own body. Li said things started to change at this point. He persuaded his wife to browse the forum with him, and they exchanged their experiences. His wife initially resisted, but gradually accepted it. One day, he sent an email to a fellow enthusiast in Beijing, expressing his idea: partner swapping. What followed was a natural progression. Li said he doesn't regret it now: "Because I enjoyed things I'd never enjoyed before." "Of course, I sometimes feel guilty, but it's fleeting. It's like a drug addict; they feel morally condemned, but they just can't control themselves." Li said he wouldn't maintain a relationship with a couple for too long because he feared some kind of insecurity. He never brought anyone to his home; all his activities took place outside. After a period of interaction, they would stop contacting each other.
The woman's thoughts and feelings:
● Participating in sex games was just for stimulation; she wasn't particularly enthusiastic.
● She believed that men weren't that different, and occasionally switching partners wasn't out of dissatisfaction with her husband. Sometimes, marital relations needed variety.
● To add variety, playing in a fixed circle of people of similar age was better than "randomly," costing at most a few hundred yuan for accommodation. Besides, every new member had a doctor's report, and although sometimes the men didn't wear condoms, there was no fear of AIDS or other complications.
● Although it was called a sex game, from the first time, the feeling upon entering the room wasn't lewd.
● One woman said that the number of people in this circle is actually quite small, and some are of exceptionally high character. Over time, even those who aren't colleagues become familiar with each other's personalities and interests. Therefore, every time they're alone together, they chat about work, life, current events, and happy things. Sometimes, when the conversation gets lively, they continue drinking wine or tea, and when they get sleepy, they go to bed, shaking hands and saying goodbye at dawn.
● Couples in the gaming community uphold the bottom line of family. Most of the people in the circle have returned from studying in Europe and America, are familiar with and don't resist gaming, and the key is that the couples share a common understanding. My husband and I are very loving and consider each other soulmates. We both believe that marriage and family are the most important things, the bottom line; everything else is secondary. "
● One woman said, 'My husband and I cherish our time together, but that doesn't mean we have intimacy every night or that every caress is necessarily the start of an orgasm. Similarly, this little circle has lasted for so many years, and the most important thing isn't the occasional partner-swapping "sex games." Although everyone seems excited at these "parties," creating an atmosphere of mystery by not knowing who their next partner will be, ultimately no one is forced. Besides, I've never encountered a drugged "suicide addict."
● I'm not worried that my husband will have an affair while playing this game because I don't have that intention. Furthermore, everyone is a colleague; we go out to relax, and we maintain appropriate boundaries and considerations. No one in this circle has divorced, or had any fights or arguments over jealousy.'"
●Later, we did it in separate rooms, and it felt unfamiliar. Perhaps due to different habits or other reasons, my pleasure didn't come as expected… During our encounter, the man kept thinking about his lover. I turned my head to one side and smiled understandingly. Later, his wife came to see us, but after just one glance, she ran out again. After she left, she cried… Her crying was very moving; her tears intensified the emotional element of the game. I think authenticity is good. If everyone is only indulging in pure physical pleasure, it will make us feel more miserable, and we might even begin to doubt our attitude towards love.
●Some women believe that self-protection is very important in sex swapping. They believe that both physical and emotional self-protection are necessary, especially for women. Physical self-protection refers to safe sex; even if the woman uses contraception, she should ask her male partner to wear a condom to prevent HIV transmission. Emotionally, there should be restrictions on the male partner's sexual behavior to prevent sexual violence; it's best to have some understanding of him.
● Some women find that instead of finding pleasure in sex games, they feel a sense of shame, as if they've been raped. After the man forces himself on her, she runs to the bathroom and frantically washes herself before fleeing. She sits alone on the beach, sobbing until dawn, only then realizing her psychological tolerance for sex games was too limited. A moment of infatuation and a night of indulgence have caused permanent damage to her traditional moral values, and she cannot forgive herself. She understands that a harmonious marriage requires not only passion and romance but also rational calm and composure. Only through mutual respect and mutual understanding can true spiritual and physical union be achieved!
● White-collar workers are obsessed with sex parties: sex without love.
● Due to her husband's deliberate deception, she unknowingly joins a so-called "sex club," unable to extricate herself from passion, waiting, excitement, and anxiety.
● Separation of sex and love. Sex is a more external experience, but love is an inner vibration. If we follow the view that sex and love cannot be separated, does that mean there should be no sex without love? Isn't this a statement against human nature?
●But he was my second man. Honestly, I found it very gentle and exciting… Although it sounds shameless to say this, it’s my honest feeling.
After a period of dormancy, prostitution in the United States has suddenly resurfaced, and is more active and open than ever before, with an increasing number of participants. According to a prostitution activist, at least 700,000 to 800,000 couples in the US are currently actively involved in prostitution, the highest number ever recorded. The sudden interest in prostitution among Americans is reportedly due to AIDS. Since the spread of AIDS in the US, many American couples who enjoyed seeking sexual partners have faced psychological pressure and burdened their families. One person cannot bear such a heavy responsibility, so for insurance, couples have switched to seeking sexual partners together, so that even if they contract the disease, someone can share the responsibility. However, due to the technical difficulties of couples seeking sexual partners together, prostitution has revived and become a natural trend for convenience. Actually, this is a very strange phenomenon, because the main reason for the previous dormancy of prostitution in the US was the AIDS problem. However, Americans were afraid of contracting AIDS and therefore dared not engage in promiscuity; now they are doing so out of fear of the responsibility of contracting AIDS. Such a thing is unlikely to happen anywhere other than the United States.
Swapping - Rules and Regulations
The rules and regulations of a certain *** club
(1) Fully respect personal privacy. If either party objects to the disclosure of personal information such as address and telephone number, they shall not inquire about it.
(2) Fully respect the woman's wishes. Without the woman's consent, no action shall be taken against her wishes, and no illegal means shall be used to achieve the purpose. Please think carefully about the serious consequences arising therefrom.
(3) Both parties should communicate with an honest attitude. It is recommended to fully communicate about personal interests, hobbies and preferences in advance to avoid unpleasantness between the two parties.
(4) Regarding the physical condition of both parties, such as whether there are infectious diseases or other unsuitable diseases, please consciously confirm and state them. Please think carefully about the serious consequences arising therefrom.
(5) Neither party shall use means to harm or make the other party uncomfortable during the communication process. In particular, men should show gentlemanly manners and fully care for and respect women.
(6) Both parties should confirm that they have a legally valid and genuine legal marital status.
(7) If both parties have children, please restrain your behavior and strictly prohibit any behavior that may affect the next generation.
(8) After the exchange ends, if one party has no intention of continuing the relationship, the other party shall not harass them. Do not disrupt the other party's family.
(9) Neither party shall engage in any monetary transactions.
(10) Do not engage in intimate behavior with the other party in public places or places where acquaintances know your identity.
Swapping - Related Film
"*** Game" [Korean Version] - Film Synopsis:
Heng and Qiong are a middle-aged couple. Qiong has just been promoted, and the tiring work has almost completely ruined her life. In order to save their marriage and love, Qiong suggests leaving the children behind and going on vacation together to have a honeymoon again. The couple arrived at the vacation destination with great excitement. While they were being intimate, Heng suddenly told his wife that he could not get an erection. The two were disappointed and very upset. After this incident, Heng's work and life fell into crisis. He was scolded by the chairman of the company and faced competitive pressure from new colleagues. His wife also began a long period of quarrels and cold war with him. Heng suddenly receives a strange email inviting him to join a couples-swapping organization called the "Butterfly Club." Heng thinks it's just a weird joke, while Qiong is surprised to learn that the Shu couple frequently engage in these swapping activities. Qiong's work also suddenly becomes unsatisfactory; her temper becomes increasingly volatile, while her young assistant is constantly fawning over her. Qiong forgets her notebook in Heng's car, and when he brings it to her, he happens to see the nude model Qiong employs. On a whim, Heng takes Qiong to an empty art studio, where the couple releases their pent-up frustrations. Heng realizes he and his wife need some new excitement, and after much deliberation, he replies to the "Butterfly Club's" email, arranging a meeting. He never expected that the person he'd met was Zhong. Zhong gives him some suggestions, and Heng anonymously sends his wife an email proposing a swap, but Qiong becomes furious, forcing Heng to temporarily abandon the idea. Qiong's temper at work becomes increasingly volatile; during the stage setup for the opening ceremony, she argues with the workers, who angrily leave, leaving Qiong and her assistant to hastily lay plastic sheeting in the rain. The assistant, who had long coveted Joan's beauty, took advantage of the situation and raped her. Joan struggled, but was clearly also aroused. That night, a tormented Joan fell into deep thought. After several attempts by the couple to refuse, Joan, at Heng's arrangement, went with him to a swapping party at the "Butterfly Club." At the party, handsome men and beautiful women were all charming and elegant, while the couple seemed uneasy. Although the newly joined couple felt very uncomfortable, the swapping game continued without hesitation. Towards the final moment… the couple left each other early, returning to their cars. It was just past midnight, and they were already on their way home. The couple remained silent. Joan said almost painfully, "Have we really fallen this low?"

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(Excerpt) The Rise and Current Status of "Partner Swapping"

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