The night I cheated

If it weren't for that one moment of indulgence, I think I would still be a happy little woman, with a loving husband, a lovely daughter, and living in a small but cozy house. Although not wealthy, our life was quite fulfilling. It was simple and peaceful, the perfect life for an ordinary, even mediocre, woman. I've always been content and grateful. For the past six years of marriage, I've devoted myself to this family with all my love and enthusiasm, valuing it as much as my own life.
Many people praised me as a virtuous wife and loving mother, praised my considerate and gentle husband, and my smart and adorable daughter, envying the warm atmosphere between our family of three. I was often moved by this. It seemed that our family had become a model of happiness for everyone. No one expected that one day I would end this near-perfect marriage with infidelity, including myself.
In April 2009, my company sent me and a male colleague on a business trip. Speaking of this colleague, I have to shamefully admit: actually, a long time ago, I had a somewhat ambiguous relationship with him. Initially, it was because he was very considerate of me and helped me a lot at work. Later, we added each other on QQ and chatted happily online.
Gradually, as we got to know each other better, an unspoken understanding, or perhaps a strange feeling, developed. Because I remained calm and rational, I would always refuse to let him continue after a certain point in our conversations, so I never crossed that line, but we were both touched. Unexpectedly, we had the opportunity to go on a business trip together.
On the way, I outwardly chatted happily with my male colleague, but inwardly I was extremely uneasy. On one hand, I worried about situations I couldn't handle, and on the other hand, I secretly anticipated something. I don't know how to explain this feeling. Perhaps it was vanity, thinking that conquering another man was a remarkable thing; perhaps it was driven by intense curiosity, wanting to experience the thrill; perhaps, deep down, I'm just a fickle, shameless woman.
Thinking back to that night, I feel truly ashamed. One minute I was playing the role of a good wife and mother, calling my husband and daughter, saying "I miss you so much," and the next I was embracing that male colleague. Of course, the thought of "I can't do this, I can't betray my family" flashed through my mind, but my actions were beyond my control. The pent-up feelings of intimacy, once released, burned fiercely, making me completely lose my reason, wanting only to indulge myself completely.
When the passion subsided, I practically fled. I felt ashamed to face that male colleague, afraid he would laugh at my promiscuity. I was even more ashamed of my absurd behavior, feeling so sorry for my husband and daughter. Only then did I realize what I had done and what the consequences would be. I couldn't believe it was real.
The truth was out, and I wanted to atone, but my husband refused.
I couldn't pretend it didn't exist, act like nothing had happened. Before returning to Yichang, I repeatedly told myself: I mustn't give myself away, I mustn't think about it anymore. But when I saw my husband, I panicked and didn't know what to do. Actually, it was just my guilty conscience; my husband didn't notice at all and continued to treat me well as always.
But eventually, the truth came out because of my inability to resist. After returning to Yichang, that male colleague kept sending me text messages, each one very sentimental. I should have deleted them decisively and ignored them, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, especially when I saw his heartfelt confessions and pitifully asked why I didn't reply. I even replied to his texts. Although they were all rejections, the more I replied, the more clingy it seemed.
Unfortunately, my husband accidentally looked through my phone, and those text messages that I hadn't had time to delete pierced his heart like thorns. Don't be fooled by how much he usually dotes on me; he's a very principled man who can't tolerate even the slightest imperfection. Although I tried my best to cover it up, lying that there was nothing between me and my male colleague, he still couldn't accept it. After that, his attitude towards me changed noticeably, and he became increasingly sullen.
For example, my husband used to cook for holidays like Chinese New Year because he's a better cook than me. After that incident, to appease him and atone for my mistake, I volunteered to cook for my mother-in-law on her birthday, putting all my effort into preparing a huge feast according to the recipes. But he only ate two bites before throwing down his chopsticks. The food wasn't bad; it was his mood while eating that was the problem.
Before, he always indulged me, and he would always give in when we argued. But now I'm almost afraid to talk to him, afraid of accidentally provoking him. I'm heartbroken because I've tried so hard to make amends, but my husband remains resistant, and nothing I do seems to work.
To make matters worse, that male colleague used our affair as bragging rights to his friends. Soon, colleagues at work started gossiping about us. Although my husband and I work in different departments, we're in the same system, so how could I keep this from him?
One day in mid-August, I got off work early and was busy preparing dinner in the kitchen when he came home, angrily questioning me about whether the rumors were true. I still couldn't admit it. But my husband said it didn't matter whether I admitted it or not; he believed there was no smoke without fire, and he was completely disappointed in me.
Then, he decisively filed for divorce, refusing to budge no matter how much I apologized or begged. Our marriage was on the verge of collapse, and I regretted indulging myself.
Fortunately, my husband and I have a five-year-old daughter. When I was completely at a loss, my daughter saved me and our marriage. On September 1st this year, my daughter was going to register for kindergarten. My husband originally planned to take her alone, but she insisted that both her parents go with her. Unable to persuade her otherwise, my husband had to agree to let me go with her. Perhaps this touched him, because his attitude was no longer so resolute. It seemed that this was the best outcome for me.
But later I realized that although my husband no longer said he absolutely had to divorce me, our relationship was already dead in name only. The marriage, barely maintained, was no different from a complete breakdown. From August until now, we haven't had any marital relations. Even when I initiate, he's too lazy to respond. He not only rejects me but also avoids people related to me. At the end of October, it was my father's birthday. I hoped he could come with me to my parents' house, but he refused, saying it would feel awkward.
Later, when my parents saw that I came back alone, they sensed something was wrong between my husband and me and pressed him for answers. I had no choice but to tell them the truth. They were very angry and scolded me severely. They even accompanied me home after the birthday party, saying they wanted to apologize to their son-in-law. But my husband didn't appreciate it. After my parents came in, he simply made an excuse to leave and didn't come home until dark.
I know my husband is running away. He guessed that my parents would try to persuade him to forgive my mistake and continue living with me, and he needed to calm down and think things through. So, I don't blame him. However, his actions are making me increasingly afraid and desperate. I don't know if life will always be like this? Or will it be like my parents advised: give my husband some time, and then try to make a good impression, and he will eventually change. It seems that I can only wait helplessly, waiting for his final verdict.
Saying I regret it is useless now, but I still regret it. I regret indulging myself that one time, which led me to this predicament. If that hadn't happened, none of this would have occurred, and I would still be the happy, enviable woman I was six months ago. Who's to blame? It seems I can only blame myself for not controlling my desires and for indulging myself.

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The night I cheated

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