Suppressed Passion

The night before his wedding, I cried all night.
My teacher's name was Xu Yang (pseudonym). He started teaching us in the second year of junior high, only four or five years older than us. I still remember the first time he taught us. He was wearing blue pants and a white T-shirt—back then, they were called undershirts—simple and unassuming clothes that couldn't hide his youthful energy. He said "Hello, students," and then wrote his name on the blackboard. His handwriting was neat and strong, eliciting gasps of admiration from some students.
It was this first meeting that made me secretly fall for Xu Yang.
Actually, I wasn't the only one who liked a teacher like Xu Yang. He taught well and was very kind to his students; many girls often talked about him behind his back. But I don't know if anyone else was as infatuated as I was. Xu Yang played basketball very well, and I often mingled with the girls' cheerleading squad, shouting "Go! Go!" for him. I would also subtly inquire about him when my classmates talked about him. I even wrote six diaries about it, mostly about my feelings of secretly liking him at the time.
This attention continued until I entered my senior year of high school. As graduation drew closer, my desire to tell Xu Yang that I liked him grew stronger. But I didn't know how to begin, when, where, or how to tell him that I had secretly loved him for so many years.
Lan Xin's speech quickened, as if vividly portraying her own anxious feelings at that moment.
However, before I could even speak, I inadvertently learned from a classmate that Xu Yang was getting married. As a result, the night before his wedding, I cried my eyes out. That day was May Day, almost a year after I graduated high school.
More than ten years into my marriage, he remained a secret in my heart.
During the time I was heartbroken over the news of Xu Yang's marriage, my current husband, Enjin (pseudonym), appeared.
Enjin liked me a lot and always found excuses to hang out with me. The night I cried so bitterly over Xu Yang, he saw my distraught state and, worried, secretly followed me to a small riverbank. When he saw me burn all six of my middle school diaries, he knew I was heartbroken over a man and kindly asked who he was, saying, "I'll help you find him."
I said he was one of my teachers. Later, Enjin did indeed go to the school behind my back, but he didn't know Xu Yang's name, so nothing came of it.
I burned my diary, cried all night, and told myself: it's all over.
Soon after, I started working, and more people came to my house to propose marriage. I had no feelings for him at the time. I thought, these people aren't as good as Enjin. He's smart and handsome. Since I can't have the person I love, I might as well choose someone who loves me. I started dating Enjin seriously. But my parents strongly opposed it because Enjin was from out of town, a migrant worker, and his family was very poor. My
family's opposition only made me and Enjin grow closer, and we got married a little over a year later. Because my parents were still angry, the wedding was very simple. We only had one meal at Enjin's hometown, and we didn't even buy a new quilt for our new home.
Before our child was born, Enjin and I were at the lowest point in our business, and we were struggling financially, sometimes not knowing where our next meal would come from. It wasn't until after our child was born that my relationship with my parents improved. My parents gave me the dowry money they had prepared, which allowed Enjin and me to develop our business in Wuhan.
Eighteen years later, seeing each other again felt like meeting fire
. Enjin and I have shared joys and sorrows for over a decade, overcoming many difficulties and striving to achieve our current success. However, I have never forgotten Xu Yang. He remains hidden deep within my heart, and I still dream—that one day I will tell him in person that I once deeply loved him.
Unexpectedly, fate gave me that opportunity.
Last year during the May Day holiday, our high school reunion was held, and many teachers were invited, including Xu Yang. I was responsible for calling him in advance to invite him. After getting through, I suppressed my excitement and chatted with Xu Yang online via video. He now wore glasses, and his former youthful exuberance had transformed into a refined, mature, and composed demeanor, still captivating me.
Xu Yang couldn't attend the reunion that day due to other commitments, but we began chatting frequently on QQ. Eighteen years without contact—there were so many things to say! Finally, one day, I told him all the sorrows and joys I felt during my teenage years because of him. Xu Yang was surprised and touched, saying he would treat me like a younger sister. I, in turn, affectionately called him "Teacher Brother."
As if we were telepathically connected, as if we were deeply connected, we saw each other online every day, and inevitably, we talked about our own love lives.
Xu Yang's wife had a breast and uterus removed ten years ago due to health reasons, essentially losing her female function. Hearing this, my heart ached terribly. I cried for him again, for his plight, for his forbearance. Xu Yang comforted me, telling me not to be sad. He said he usually took care of all the housework, and besides work, he was always looking after the children, exhausting himself every day so he could fall asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow at night. I felt even more sorry for him and had the idea of going back to my hometown to see Xu Yang.
Finally, we met. My heart was filled with mixed emotions: grievance, unease, anticipation, excitement, awkwardness… Finally, he embraced me. This hug, 18 years overdue, lasted five or six minutes. We stood there, speechless, only our breathing and my sobs. Later, he patted my back and said, "It's alright, it's alright, aren't we meeting now?" We talked for a while longer, and then, what was bound to happen, happened.
Lanxin's voice fell, and her head drooped.
My mad love ended with "no more love."
The emotions that had accumulated for 18 years surged like a flood, engulfing Xu Yang and me. Every month, I would go back to my hometown to see him twice. Every day, we would talk on the phone, send text messages, and chat on QQ, like we were back in the passionate years of seventeen or eighteen.
Xu Yang would text me every morning to wake me up. His gentleness, thoughtfulness, and tender affection gave me the maximum satisfaction I couldn't get from my husband. My husband was too busy, always rushing around, efficient and decisive, completely opposite to Xu Yang. I felt that I had finally found the feeling I wanted, the life I wanted.
Two months later, Xu Yang and I planned our future again: within two years, Xu Yang would divorce his wife, move to Wuhan, and we would get married and have children.
As for my husband, Enjin, I would never let him touch me again and filed for divorce. He was shocked, but after much thought, he agreed. He said helplessly and sadly, "I made a gamble when I got married. I thought that sharing joys and sorrows would win your heart, but I didn't expect you still have Xu Yang in your heart. Rather than this, I'd rather grant your wish and let you go. As long as you can find happiness, go..." Enjin also said that if I suffered any setbacks in the future, he and our son would always wait for me at home.
Enjin's magnanimity and open-mindedness moved me and made me feel ashamed, but caught up in my deep affection for Xu Yang, I didn't think much and immediately got the divorce certificate. I wanted to pursue happiness openly and honestly, and I also hoped not to be too unfair to Enjin.
But at this time, Xu Yang's wife found out about our affair and kept questioning him, throwing a tantrum at home. Xu Yang was very troubled and suggested that we reduce contact for a while.
I sensed Xu Yang's wavering. He was a responsible man, but my dream of 18 years was gradually becoming a reality, and I couldn't bear to let it shatter. In a moment of impulsiveness, I made a decision—the biggest mistake I ever made—I called Xu Yang's wife. I was going to tell her not to misunderstand my relationship with Xu Yang.
Xu Yang was present when his wife answered the phone. He was surprised and afterwards severely reprimanded me for making the call and ruining things. A few days later, he called again to break up with me. Although I had anticipated that one day Xu Yang might not be able to let go of his responsibilities and reputation and choose to go home, I didn't expect the breakup to happen so quickly, only six months later.
I asked Xu Yang for a reason. He only said that he no longer loved me.
The most painful time reveals the most forgiving heart.
When I received Xu Yang's breakup call, I truly heard my heart shatter, each piece falling to the ground. For the past six months, I had loved him with my life, not just my heart. Could a casual "I don't love you anymore" really end all our vows? I gave up a wonderful husband, a lovely child, and poured my heart and soul into loving him, yet he was so heartless. He gave me the beginning of a dream, only to cruelly end it. What does this mean? What is the meaning of my life?
Lan Xin propped her head up with her hand. The past was causing her headache again.
I started cutting my wrists with a fruit knife; the blood flowed slowly. I also took all the medicine I could find—diet pills, anti-inflammatory drugs. I
wrote a letter to both Xu Yang and En Jin. To En Jin, I said: I have a thousand, ten thousand apologies to you and our son. I can only say that I didn't know how blessed I was. I hope I can cherish you in the next life. Two hours later, I called En Jin again, repeatedly saying "I'm sorry." He was on a business trip in Shanghai and noticed my voice sounded off; he was extremely worried. Unable to return in time, he called his son, who was in high school back in their hometown. His son, always sensible and independent, took a train for several hours overnight to Wuhan.
Later, his son told me that I was in a semi-conscious and frantic state, refusing to go to the hospital, standing by the window all night, repeatedly saying "why" and "I'm sorry," and repeatedly telling his son: "Do you know the sound of a heart breaking?"
A day later, Enjin rushed back and forced me to close my eyes and rest. For those few days, I didn't eat a single grain of rice, experiencing heart-wrenching pain for the first time, and also appreciating my husband's magnanimity even more. He said it was all his fault, that he was too focused on his career and hadn't spent enough time with me.
A year has passed, and Enjin, our child, and I are all doing well. Xu Yang only occasionally appears in my mind, fleetingly.
Lanxin said her purpose in telling this story was twofold: first, "I've died once, and now I want to put an end to my past passion," and second, "I thank God for giving me such an excellent husband, and I will cherish him." Before leaving, she emphasized again that she no longer blamed Xu Yang, "He will always be my teacher and older brother."

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