[The Stages of Needs in Making Friends]

Based on my own experience and that of my friends, marital friendships are far from static or a single state that lasts until old age. Rather, as understanding between people deepens, emotions grow, and people's needs expand, there's a gradual psychological progression—what I call the psychological needs stage. In my view, this ladder can be broadly divided into four stages: The
first stage: the psychological fantasy stage.
In the long course of marriage, the initial passion fades, but the beauty of ordinary days remains. Without increasing aspirations, life will still be genuinely beautiful. But suddenly, we learn of a new philosophy of life, which stirs up a storm in our otherwise tranquil lives. What should we do?
This is the initial stage of accepting marital friendships, the concept shock stage, also known as the psychological fantasy stage.
From our education and moral indoctrination, the first time we hear about marital friendships, we are often surprised, then curious, and then gradually try to understand and explore it. Initially, many people may have viewed this with scrutiny and criticism. However, as they gradually engage with it, many things subtly change, gradually accumulating into a significant shift.
With a deeper understanding of the concept of couples engaging in online dating, it's undeniable that you'll subconsciously begin to imagine things in your life: for example, if your partner dresses up and goes to work late, you might start imagining whether she's dating another man, your heart pounding as you weave a story—a story that makes you anxious and breathless; or if your partner comes home late, slightly tipsy, and tells you that another man had a small, successful attempt, you'll strongly feel how alluring your partner is at that moment; or during sex, you might intentionally inquire about her past sexual experiences, achieving a new climax through mutual honesty… or even just a form of imagination, a role reversal, all of which give you an unprecedented new feeling.
All these phenomena illustrate the reaction after initially accepting the concept of couples engaging in online dating—the psychological fantasy stage. This stage can be achieved through written materials, pictures, videos, or small details from your own life, making it relatively easy to operate and realize.
People at this stage don't face moral pressure, worry about emotional deviation, or experience uncertainty about marriage. Everything is under their control, like two people playing a game—easy, carefree, and sweet. For those with insufficient psychological resilience or excessive concerns, I think maintaining this observer's perspective and this imaginative attitude is ideal. Therefore, I advise such friends not to easily challenge their psychological limits or rashly take action. They should try to be content with the status quo and enjoy the happiness they can accept.

The second stage: the physiological needs stage.
This stage is the initial reaction of those who have just encountered the theory of couples' dating. The feelings mixed in are disbelief, curiosity, excitement, and a desire to explore. They will be full of imagination because they haven't experienced it before, and this imagination is limited to specific methods or scenarios. Purely shocking imagination, stimulating the nerves. Through scenario imagination, it begins to affect their psychology, testing their acceptance capacity and level. They will gradually shift from a state of denial and doubt to careful observation, and then gradually convince themselves. This convincing is, of course, limited to the physiological level. Then, they try to experience it in their own lives, for example, by increasing fantasy and verbal stimulation. This stage is one of intrigue and excitement, a phase worth savoring slowly and carefully. Emotional intensity is subtle yet genuine, and the space remains privately controlled between husband and wife.
In this stage, where curiosity and stimulation outweigh everything else, physiological needs emerge, thus overshadowing emotional desires. People often seek visual and sensory stimulation. A husband typically imagines his wife's captivating beauty, her happiness, and his own anticipation and control in the moment—a challenge that pushes a man's limits. A woman, on the other hand, anticipates being pampered, showcasing her expressiveness, tolerance, and unleashed charm. These qualities are more compelling than gravity, drawing one's attention. Although this stage is interspersed with many concerns, anxieties, and even unpredictable bitterness.
People in this stage are quite direct, even eager, in their search for friends, lacking necessary patience. Sometimes they'll initiate a direct conversation based on a simple piece of information, such as the other person's qualities, understanding and acceptance of their views, etc. As long as communication is generally smooth, they'll consider meeting. Moreover, both parties approach this meeting with a strong sense of purpose, often overlooking minor flaws and proceeding accordingly. However, this strong focus on the objective can sometimes lead to less-than-ideal outcomes.
Because the initial stage is purely purposeful, and no one is overly concerned with emotional factors, the result is often very fulfilling and conducive to transparent communication between the couple. They will frequently revisit, savor, and summarize this experience, even discussing their individual psychological and physiological feelings in detail. This will revitalize their married life for a considerable period without worrying about emotional deviations. At this time, the couple becomes extremely intimate, sharing everything, their lives filled with passion, and even developing a deep dependence and lingering affection. For couples whose initial meeting wasn't perfect, this will lead to more communication, a sense of closeness, and discussions about why it wasn't perfect, where things weren't considered, and even how the less-than-perfect experience can enhance their sexual desire, allowing them to make up for the imperfections at home. Of course, a very small number of couples experiencing communication difficulties may lead to unnecessary conflicts, which we won't elaborate on here, as our discussion is based on couples with excellent communication and transparent relationships.

The third stage: The comprehensive physiological and psychological adjustment stage .
After the first or several experiences of making friends, a person's excitement begins to gradually relax. At this time, psychological feelings subtly take over from physiological feelings, beginning to regulate and prompting reflection, adjusting the balance between psychological and physiological factors.
Most importantly, people's attitudes towards choosing friends change significantly. They become more relaxed, focusing on emotional exchange, whether they can bring psychological expectations, aspirations, and endless imagination to the other person. Everything begins to resemble dating, emphasizing rhythm, mood, and quality. Furthermore, the format becomes less rigid; three or four people are fine as friends. In short, it's not just simple communication between men and women, but more about permeating each other's lives. It's a friendly friendship; men are good brothers, women are good sisters. Meetings no longer go straight to the point, but involve more everyday activities. For example, going on outings, going to bars, eating together, exercising together, etc. All interactions are casual and relaxed.
At this stage, emotions take precedence, leading many to genuinely exchange ideas and life experiences. People care about each other's lives and may even develop a certain emotional dependence. The friendships formed on this basis are very fulfilling and enjoyable. It's also a relatively sustainable norm, and people often reflect on how many good friends they've made, gradually separating sex selectively and achieving a more structured and less chaotic state.
Of course, once emotions are involved, control becomes crucial and sensitive. Sometimes, for the sake of the situation, people may stage a "romantic" interaction to achieve complete emotional release. However, it's important to note that mutual understanding and cooperation from both families are necessary. If such an interaction might hurt someone's feelings, rational control is essential. After all, everyone knows that in this relationship, the spouse is the only constant interest.
At this stage, I personally highly appreciate simple, carefully chosen relationships. We can have a large circle of friends, we can play together, and we can exchange ideas, but those with whom we can have further relationships need to reach a state of complete physical and mental harmony. Only in this way can we truly enjoy happiness and enthusiasm, and reduce feelings of emptiness. If people at this stage pursue further relationships simply because the other person is just a good friend, they will fall into a state of aimless confusion, sometimes even doubting what they are ultimately pursuing, and reflecting in a corner without answers.
I personally appreciate relationships at this stage, but that doesn't mean I reject other stages. Human change is gradual. In my view, these three steps are a progressive process, each stage with its own unique charm, attracting us forward. No one can instantly transcend any stage, and this progression is very helpful in sorting out one's life trajectory and evaluating one's experiences and gains and losses.

The fourth stage: the psychological transcendence stage.
My feeling is that at this point, sex is no longer purely sex; love is like the sun high in the sky, its radiance constantly illuminating our lives. Under such bright sunshine, we breathe the air like free plants, engage in joyful photosynthesis, and grow freely.
In other words, at this stage, there are no psychological constraints. Each of us is like a kite, able to freely control our altitude and release our emotions or bodies in a highly ideal state. We love each other, and while fully considering each other's feelings, we also seek our own happiness and share it with our spouse.
This stage is actually close to idealism, a height that only a few can reach, but it doesn't mean that no one possesses such a state.
At this stage, nourished by the existing love, we can nurture the flowers and plants of a season, indulging our minds and bodies. Then, according to the seasons, we return to our original soil. That is to say, the space for love is freely chosen. If you prefer privacy, you can create it; if you prefer grandeur, you can participate; if you pursue pure sensory enjoyment, that's fine; if you simply nurture a small seed resembling love, that's also acceptable, as long as everything you do is within the solid framework of marriage, and you have a minimum marital bottom line. Because this marriage is the guarantee that you will attain happiness in everything.
In other words, the whole process is about becoming more and more abstract and reliant on thinking and rationality, rather than the original fragmented and specific behaviors.

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[The Stages of Needs in Making Friends]

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