A collection of short jokes

page views:1 Publication date:2022-04-16

Wise Chief
A certain chief had a fondness for listening to stories. One day, he held a grand banquet for his guests. At his repeated requests, a guest from out of town told him a very interesting story:
This guest once met a very self-important man in town. The guest said to him, "Guess what I have in my pocket. If you guess right, I will give you half of these eggs; if you can guess the number of eggs, I will give you all ten eggs."
The man thought for a long time and said, "Friend, although I am not stupid, it is impossible for me to know everything. I can't guess."
The guest said, "Guess again, this thing is white on the outside and yellow on the inside." "I guessed it!" the man exclaimed, "It must be a pile of white radishes with a potato hidden in the middle."
Hearing this, the guests all laughed, and the chief laughed even harder. Finally, he asked, "What a fool! But esteemed friend, now tell us, what exactly is in your pocket?"
Smart daughter
Daughter: "Mom, do you like apples?"
Mom: "I love it."
Daughter: "Do you like it?"
Mom: "I love it."
Daughter: "Then don't buy me apples."
Mom: "Why?"
Daughter: "You'll eat it all on the way."
The careless professor
Professor Fielding was always careless. His wife asked him to throw a bag of trash in the bin outside the building, but he absentmindedly took it on the subway, then to the lab, and finally back home.
His wife was taken aback: "What are you carrying?" Fielding replied, "Oh dear, I forgot to take out the trash."
His wife took a look and was even more surprised: "Where did you get a bag of ham from?"
Careless Professor
A professor was always forgetful, constantly losing things like his glasses case or his walking stick. He especially lost his umbrella; his wife had to buy him a new one almost every month. The professor secretly resolved to be more careful in the future. One day, he went out in the morning and returned in the afternoon, beaming with pride as he told his wife…
He said, "Look, Tao Lesai, I didn't lose anything today, I brought my umbrella back!" He then held up an umbrella. "Oh dear, you careless person, you didn't bring an umbrella today!"
Different wording
The cardinal was speeding in his car when a policeman on a motorcycle caught up with him and stopped him. The cardinal asked, "Was I driving too fast?" The policeman replied, "No, Your Excellency. Your car wasn't driving too fast; it was flying too slowly."
hitchhiking
A naval officer was standing next to the driver on a bus, refusing to sit down so as not to wrinkle his crisply ironed uniform. A drunk man boarded the bus, approached the officer, tugged at his sleeve, and asked to buy a ticket. The officer ignored him. But the drunk persisted, so the officer turned around and said, "Friend, I'm not the ticket seller, I'm a naval officer."
“Then,” the drunkard replied, “stop the boat, I want to take the bus.”
Answer
Customer: "Waiter, could you explain what's going on with the fly in my soup?" The waiter bent down, looked closely, and replied: "It's swimming, sir, it's swimming."
Typo
The movie theater lights had just gone out when a thief reached into Rega's pocket, only to be immediately discovered by Rega. The thief said, "I was trying to get my handkerchief, but I took the wrong one. Please forgive me!"
“It’s alright,” Rega replied calmly.
A moment later, with a "smack," the thief received a heavy slap across the face.
“Sorry, wrong number, a mosquito landed on my face,” Rega said.
Mosquitoes with lanterns
Two Scottish immigrants who had just arrived in New York were spending the night in a hotel. They were extremely annoyed by mosquitoes all night long. Finally, they said, "Cindy, cover your heads with the blanket, then the mosquitoes won't be able to bite us."
"Okay." After a while, Cindy stuck her head out to breathe some fresh air, and then she saw fireflies she had never seen before. She exclaimed, "Good heavens, covering my head won't help; the mosquitoes are looking for us with lanterns!"
bet
John bet Mike two thousand dollars that he could dance with Madonna, and he won. Next, he bet he could have dinner with Clinton, and Mike lost again. Finally, John bet he could attend a major religious ceremony with the Pope. At the ceremony, John was standing with the Pope when he saw someone next to Mike whisper something to him from afar, and Mike immediately fainted.
Mike later explained, "I wasn't surprised you were with Madonna, and having dinner with Clinton was nothing unusual, but when you appeared with the Pope, and the guy next to me asked me a question, I was stunned. He asked, 'Who's that guy next to John?'"
hiccups
A patrolling police officer noticed a car bouncing up and down every 10 meters or so. He started his motorcycle, chased after it, and intercepted it: "What's wrong with your car?" The driver looked terrified.
"No, it's nothing, officer. I just have hiccups."
snoring
As soon as it got dark, John's father went to bed, and his loud, annoying snoring made it impossible for John to concentrate on his homework. "Hey! Wake up, wake up!" John shook his father vigorously.
Awake.
"Pah! I just lay down, what are you yelling about?!" Old John snapped. "I saw you snoring for two hours straight, you must be exhausted. I told you to sit up and get some rest."
Playing water polo
An athlete went to a restaurant and saw a large bowl of soup on the table with only one green bean in it, nothing else. He immediately stood up and took off his clothes. His teammate asked him what was wrong, and he replied:
"I want to take off my clothes, jump into the plate, and play water polo with that green bean."
Huge loss of face
A young British man invited his girlfriend to a French restaurant, but he didn't understand French and didn't know what was on the menu. Not wanting to appear ignorant in front of his girlfriend, he pointed to a few lines on the menu and said to the waiter, "Let's have these dishes!" The waiter looked at the menu and said...
He said, "Excuse me, sir, this is a piece performed by the orchestra!"
Elephant Sandwich
Customs officials stopped a passenger and asked him if he was carrying any items that should be declared.
"No," the passenger replied.
Are you sure you don't have it?
"certainly."
"So what's with that elephant behind you with a piece of bread stuck in its ear?"
"Sir, what I put in my sandwich is entirely my own business!"
Criminal 1
A death row inmate asked a police officer, "What time is it?" The officer scolded, "You're about to die, why are you asking the time!" The inmate replied, "This is a major event in my life, and remembering this time is very important to me."
Gangster 2
A thug was listening to a pastor preach.
The pastor said, "It's better to avoid making an enemy than to make another friend..."
“I don’t have a single enemy,” the thug said.
"Amazing! How come you don't have a single enemy?" "I've killed them all!"
Gangster 3
A thief went to church for Mass. The pastor asked, "What brings you here? You haven't stolen any turkey steaks this week?" "No, not a single one."
"Did any other chickens steal?" "No."
“That’s great, you’re one step closer to God.”
He whispered, "If he asks me if I stole a duck, I'll turn my back on God."
Gangster 4
A policeman asked a criminal about to be hanged what he wanted for breakfast. "Oh, right, I remember now, I love peaches," the criminal replied.
“You know, it’s winter now, there are no peaches to be found!” the policeman said.
"It's okay, I can wait."
Singular and plural
Teacher: "Nick, do you understand singular and plural numbers now?"
Nick: "Got it."
Teacher: "Then tell me, is 'pants' singular or plural?"
Nick: "The top part is singular, and the bottom part is plural."
Worry
The wife said to her husband, "Every time you go out, I worry a lot." "Darling, don't worry," the husband reassured her, "I'll be back anytime." "That's exactly what I'm worried about."
Hopefully it's blood.
A Scotsman, with a bottle of whiskey in his back trouser pocket, was walking down the street when, unfortunately, he was hit by a car. As he got up, he felt his pocket. He felt it was a little damp. "Oops!"
He muttered, "I hope it's blood!!"
Eggs don't eat
"A lioness gives birth to cubs, and the cubs want to eat; a mother dog gives birth to puppies, and the puppies want to eat;..."
"That means that everything a mother gives birth to needs to eat."
Little Tom thought and thought, trying to find a creature that was born without eating, but he couldn't come up with one for three days in a row.
On the fourth day, he finally figured it out. It was something he had seen with his own eyes; it was the truth. He ran to tell the teacher, "Teacher, the hen lays eggs, but the eggs don't eat anything!"
certainly
A man owned a parrot that could only say "Of course," so he decided to sell it. "How much for your parrot?" the buyer asked. "1000 yuan," the seller replied. "Why so expensive?"
"My parrot is very smart!" "Parrot, are you smart?" the buyer asked. "Of course." The buyer then bought the parrot. Later, after discovering that the parrot could only say "Of course," he angrily said, "Only a fool would spend 1000 yuan on a parrot like this." "Of course!"
The parrot answered.
Guide dogs
John was about to cross the street when he saw a blind man with his guide dog also trying to cross. When the light turned green, the dog didn't help its owner cross; instead, it urinated on its owner's pants. Unexpectedly, the blind man reached into John's pocket and took a biscuit for the dog.
John was surprised and said to the blind man, "If that were my dog, I would definitely kick its butt." The blind man calmly replied, "Yes, I would kick it, but I need to find its head first!"
Unlucky
Miss Jenny was coming home from her night shift when she saw a man walking towards her with his arms outstretched. "Pervert!" Miss Jenny yelled, kicking the man in the stomach. With a crash, the man cried out, "Good heavens! I still haven't been able to get the third pane of glass home!"
Hitting walls everywhere
A man politely asked the lady sitting next to him in the train carriage, "Would it bother you if I smoked a cigarette here?" The lady kindly replied, "No, please make yourself at home." The man immediately took back his cigarette pack, sighed, and said, "I still can't smoke!"
A New Chapter in Morality
"Dad, what is morality?"
"What is morality? Wait, how do you explain it? Let me give you an example: Someone left a wallet containing one thousand tugriks in a store, and I found it. Should I keep all the money for myself, or should I split it with the shopkeeper? That's what morality is."
Hard-won
The defendant promised his defense attorney, "If you can get me to serve only six months in prison, you will receive an extra thousand dollars." The defendant eventually got his wish.
As the lawyer collected the money, he said, "This is a really tricky case. The judges originally wanted to acquit the defendant."
Overconfident
The triplets' father called the newspaper to share the good news. The reporter who answered didn't hear him clearly. "Could you please repeat that?" he asked. The triumphant father replied, "Sure, but I don't want any more!"
Hard to obtain
A man invited a friend to his house for dinner. The friend asked, "Are you sure your wife knows I'm coming for dinner?"
"Of course I know. I argued with her about it all afternoon!"
Waiting for the cat to catch the mouse
Man: "Madam, I accidentally stepped on your cat and killed it while I was walking. Can I go and get you a new one right away?"
Woman: "Then you'd better hurry, there's a mouse in the kitchen right now."
Please wait one minute
A man asked God, "Great God, what does a thousand years mean in your eyes?"
God replied, "It only means a minute."
"Almighty God, what do ten thousand gold coins mean to you?" "They mean nothing more than a small coin."
"Merciful God, please grant me a small coin!"
"Alright, poor thing, please wait a minute!"
hell
Billgates arrived at the gates of heaven after his death.
Okay, you can choose between going to heaven or going to hell. Check it out first, then tell me the result.
Bill looked around; people were solemnly singing hymns, praising God (perhaps even using "ada"). He then went to Hell, where he saw sun-drenched sandy beaches, beautiful women everywhere, and C and BASIC music all around. People were intoxicated by the atmosphere, not by the wine. Bill said, "Hell, I love it!" He returned to St. Peter.
Look, you've done a great job here, but it seems even better in hell. This...
No problem, go ahead.
Bill returned to hell, suffering torture in fire and boiling oil. He couldn't take it anymore.
He shouted: "St. Peter---! Where have all the beauties and fine wine gone?" (Sorry, you were referring to the demo version, weren't you...)
The third possibility
The nurse said to the new mother, "Your husband called to ask if it was a boy or a girl." "Please ask him if there's any other possibility."...
Telephone
In 1876, Alexander G. Bell patented a device for transmitting sound via wires. Eight years later, a farmer in California tried this new contraption at a telephone exchange. He scribbled a few words on a piece of paper, rolled it up, and used a pencil to push it into the receiver, then sat down to wait for a response. After waiting a long time without any response, the farmer crumpled the paper into a ball and threw it into the receiver. Half an hour later, the telephone still hadn't worked. The farmer was very disappointed and left grumbling. The telephone operator opened the damaged phone and found the piece of paper; it read:
Order wrenches from a store.
Telephone
A man called home while at work.
The person who answered the phone was an unfamiliar woman.
The man asked, "Who are you?" "I'm the maid here," the woman replied.
“We didn’t hire a maid.” “The lady of the house called me this morning.” “Oh, then I’m her husband. Is she in?” “But… she and a man I thought was her husband were in the upstairs room… doing… doing… doing things that only couples do.” The man was furious. He said to the maid, “Listen, do you want to earn $50,000?” “I want you to go get the gun from my desk and kill those two adulterers!” The maid hung up the phone.
The man heard footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid returned and picked up the phone.

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A collection of short jokes

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