Exquisite little jokes

page views:1 Publication date:2022-04-18

1. "How much money do you want from the man before you'll marry me?"
"One thousand yuan."
"That's easy? If you had said so earlier, you wouldn't be a spinster now."
"I'll give it to you every day, holidays extra."
2. A small fly accidentally bumped into a spider web. The spider quickly came over and spun a silken thread to wrap it up, preparing for a delicious meal. Unexpectedly, a super-sized fly flew by and shouted, "Little spider, what are you doing to my son?"
The spider was startled. Seeing the big fly about to break its web, it quickly offered the small fly up, saying, "Don't mess around. I just saw your son wasn't wearing any clothes in this cold weather, so I knitted him a sweater to keep him warm."
3. Wishing my dear wife skin like Lebanon's, breasts like Cameroon's, a fragrance surpassing Finland's, endless creativity like North Korea's, a career exceeding Hungary's, daily good luck like Rwanda's, and endless happiness like Canada's.
4. Jia Baoyu: "I get a headache whenever I touch the Four Books and Five Classics."
Lin Daiyu: "Then you have a common woman's ailment."
Jia Baoyu: "What do you mean?"
Lin Daiyu: "Menstrual cramps."
5. A son ran home to tell his father the good news: "Dad, I got 100 on the math exam this time! What are you going to reward me with?"
The father picked up his son and said, "Dad is going to reward you with a big, sweet kiss." He then gave his son a big kiss on the cheek. The son, feeling wronged, complained, "Tch, it's not practical at all! What kind of kiss is this? It stinks!" The father laughed smugly, "This is a genuine kiss! It smells of smoke and wine, and can you even smell a strong garlic scent? Hahaha."
6. A boy texted a girl: "Blue sky, white clouds drifting, green grass perfect for sleeping, flowers blooming in my heart, smiles on my face, thinking of you feels so wonderful!"
The girl replied: "Flowers bloom on the branches, who is secretly thinking of me? Spring breezes bring rain, good flowers will surely bear good fruit. Pigsy, you're ready for your culinary adventures, where are you having your sweet dreams?"
The boy replied: "I'll only say 'I hate you' once, but I'll express it with a smile. If I have to say it again—'Damn it!' I'm waiting for you in the park."
7. A dinosaur gave an ape an egg and said, "I want to trade you an ape egg."
The ape said, "But I can't lay eggs, where would I get an egg for you?"
The dinosaur didn't believe it: "Impossible! I've often heard people say ape eggs are happy, how could I not have an ape egg? You have to let me see."
"I'll see then." The ape stood up and lifted up the grass under him, saying, "Look, where is it?"
The dinosaur laughed: "Haha, you still say you don't have one? Just now when you bent over and lifted up the grass, I clearly saw two eggs hidden between your legs, and one of them too. If you don't want to trade, you don't want to trade, why lie to me?" @FloatingMountainOneLeaf
8. Xiaoming asked his mother: Mom, will Santa Claus come to our house tonight?
His mother said: Child, Santa Claus will definitely come to bring you presents!
Xiaoming thought for a moment and solemnly said to his mother: Mom, when Santa Claus comes, please tell him not to come in through the chimney!
His mother was puzzled: Why, Xiaoming?
Xiaoming immediately said: Mom, have you forgotten that we have a range hood?
9. A husband returned home after a long business trip. He was worried that his wife was having an affair. So, he quietly asked the security guard at the gate if any strange men had come looking for his wife.
The guard considered for a moment and said, "Sir, as far as I know, no strange men have come looking for your wife."
The husband nodded in relief. At this moment, the guard added, "Those who come to your house to see your wife are all acquaintances..."
10. The teacher called Xiaoming, who was ranked last in his class, to his office and said earnestly, "Xiaoming, the final exams are coming soon. Are you ready?" Xiaoming immediately replied confidently, "Teacher, I'm ready."
The teacher smiled and said, "Very good! How did you prepare?"
Xiaoming said, "We exercise every day!"
The teacher was puzzled: "Exercise for what?"
Xiaoming said, "Because my dad said that if I don't do well on the exams again, he'll give me a good scolding." The teacher was surprised, and Xiaoming clenched his fists and said, "But this time, I want my dad to know who's really scolding whom!" @付程程
11. The secretary, the township head, the office director, and the secretary were playing mahjong, and the secretary always won. The office director asked the secretary, "You always win at cards, what's your secret? Teach me."
"No, no, pure luck!"
"Brother! Tell me, I'll buy you a drink, and I promise I won't tell anyone!" The office director tempted and swore.
"Really?"
"Definitely!"
"Let me tell you, the Party Secretary is pockmarked, and the Township Head is lame. They're completely incompatible. Didn't you notice when they play cards? The Party Secretary always plays the seven of coins even when he's not ready, calling it a 'crippled hand,' while the Township Head always plays the nine of coins, calling it 'pockmarked hand.' When you're ready to win, don't listen to anything else, just listen to those two cards, and
you're guaranteed a winning hand!" @LaughingLife12, Boyfriend: I heard your phone broke, so this is a new phone I bought for you as a birthday present! Girlfriend: Honey, you're the best...
Girlfriend: Honey, did you buy a phone case?
Boyfriend: I love your straightforward girl! Wait a minute, I'll be right back...
Five minutes later
, Boyfriend: Bought a box of Durex for...
Girlfriend: I meant a phone case!!! @笨包子
13, Once upon a time, there was a wealthy man who had four foolish daughters. Afraid of being laughed at for their stupidity, he hired a private tutor to teach them poetry from a young age. When they grew up, he was determined to marry them off. Finally, a matchmaker brought a scholar to propose marriage.
Upon hearing that the visitor was a scholar, the wealthy man exclaimed with delight, "What a coincidence! My daughters have been well-versed in poetry since childhood, and now they can all speak eloquently." To show off his daughters' intelligence, the wealthy man deliberately had his servants set out a table and chairs and invited his four daughters out, saying, "You can compose poems before you eat, just like you always do at meals." The eldest daughter said, "A square table." The second 　daughter said, "A bowl of soup in the middle ."
The third daughter said, " 　Each of the four sisters has a table." The youngest daughter 　said, "I'm the youngest, so I'll drink the soup first 　." The scholar laughed and said, "Good! Good! Good!" The wealthy man also grinned happily. 　Seeing her father and the scholar so happy, the eldest daughter thought the marriage might be settled, so she casually said, "I want to consummate the marriage today!" The second 　daughter said, "I want to be a mother tomorrow morning!" The 　third daughter said, "No matter what, let's go ! 　" The fourth daughter said, "Whoever dares to steal my mother!" The scholar 　was dumbfounded, threw down a ridiculous remark, and stormed off. The rich man, seeing his hard-won good fortune ruined again, roared angrily, "Shut up, all of you!" and hurriedly chased after the scholar. 　"Alas!" the eldest sister sighed, "All four sisters are beautiful, 　but without men, we're anxious." The second sister said. 　The third daughter said, "Father told us to keep quiet." The 　fourth daughter chimed in, "Luckily, I was smart enough not to say a word." @刘艳194

14. In the Qing Dynasty palace, there was once an empress who created a unique singing style that was very popular and widely circulated, and has been passed down to this day, especially among rural women. This style is not Peking Opera, not Anhui Opera, and not Kunqu Opera. Let's use a simple term to introduce it: effeminate singing.
15. A patient had just picked up a large bottle of medicine from the doctor and found that the expiration date was only 4 days. He ran to the doctor to ask.
The doctor smiled and said to the patient, "I know, but if you take it on time and in the correct dosage, you can finish it within 3 days. Don't worry." @Vladimir
16. We numbers contribute to the field of mathematics, but my birth chart (八字) receives the worst treatment.
In the competition with the number seven (七字), people hope that the number seven will win and wish that the number eight will lose, often saying "seven wins, eight loses." People always like to associate the birth chart with bad elements. A turtle laying an egg is called a bastard, and an unlucky person is said to have been unlucky for eight lifetimes.
A grotesque posture is performed with a pigeon-toed gait, showing off to others, purely to embarrass me.
Hopeless matters are told through the pigeon-toed gait; nothing is certain yet, and people easily bully the pigeon-toed gait.
Boring things are also expressed through the pigeon-toed gait; everyone loves gossip, casually amusing themselves with the pigeon-toed gait.
An ugly face invites blame, yet people still don't forget to make the pigeon-toed gait lose face; an ugly monster is just right. 17. Permitted Bad Behaviors
: Copying: Copying is generally opposed, but buying at the bottom is a bold act worthy of affirmation.
Stealing: Stealing is prohibited by morality and law, yet stealing everything has been passed down as a good story for centuries.
Cutting: Cutting is a violent act of harm, which should be stopped, yet bargaining is a must-learn skill for consumers. Killing: Killing is a heinous act of sacrificing life; murderers should pay with their lives, yet online shopping often features flash sales. Robbing: Robbing is disrupting order to get what you want, which is despised, yet robbing for time goes unchecked. @shenlunju
18. A tiger and a lion were chatting when a fox passed by and saw that they were both looking downcast. The fox asked, "Why are you two, the kings of beasts, so unhappy?"
The tiger replied, "I'm depressed because I have a tigress at home."
The lion quickly added, "I have a female tiger at home.
" Then the tiger and lion complained of headaches and
started crying. Suddenly, the fox also started crying. The tiger
and lion asked, "Brother, why are you crying?"
The fox replied, "I have a fox spirit at home."
19. When I first started working, my first boss said I was quite capable, and that someone else was not as good as me. So I foolishly worked
hard for many years. When I was disheartened, my second boss told me that a certain position would be mine in the future. So I worked hard for many more years.
Before I even got that position, my third boss came. He bluntly told me that if I didn't work hard, someone else would. This forced me to continue working in fear.
Emotional wounds in the workplace—don't follow this example! @jmst118
20. A classmate often made excuses to ask the teacher for leave.
...
The first time, he asked for leave because of a friend's gathering, "Teacher, I have a headache." The
second time, he asked for leave because he was upset about not eating enough in the cafeteria, "Teacher, I have a stomachache." The third time, he asked for leave
because a tree in the neighboring village was full of fruit, "Teacher, my hand hurts." The
fourth time, he asked for leave because he loved playing basketball, "Teacher, my foot hurts."
...
A few days later, the teacher recited a poem for him in front of the whole class: "Headache but no fever, stomachache but complaining of not having enough food, handache but able to climb trees, footache but able to run." After reciting it, the teacher said to the student, "How's this poem? It fits your situation perfectly." To his surprise, the student replied, "The poem is good, and it even rhymes." @SilentWolf21
. Patients in the operating room are afraid to hear these words
: 1. What is this?
2. Humming: Let me pluck your heart and try to slowly melt it...
3. I've never encountered this situation before...
4. Why do you smell of alcohol?
5. Can you help me with this? I'm sending a text message.
6. This patient is quite pretty.
7. Is this your first time performing surgery on a patient? Don't be nervous, look how much your hands are shaking... 8. Why isn't there even an ashtray in this operating room?
9. Hurry up!
22. On a bus, a pickpocket was about to steal a woman's wallet when a child next to him shouted, "Mommy, Mommy, how come you have three hands? There's an extra hand on the wallet!"
23. 110 (police) was very excited to marry 120 (police emergency number). 120 asked, "Are you really that happy to marry me?" 110: "Of course! From now on, when I'm sick, I'll have a special car to take me to the hospital!"
120: "Then if I get robbed, will I not need to call the police?" 24. 120: "Honey, why is your mouth always so sore?" 110:
"I've been so irritable lately! I can't catch criminals!" 120:
"How about we have a child?
" 110: "Why would we have a child?"
120: "To cool you down!"
110: "What? A child can cool you down?"
120: "Yeah, my mom (114) said if you and I have a child, it'll definitely be 119 (fire department)." 110: "How does your mom know everything? Does she know I have a mistress?" @Yunfeiyang25. On Valentine's Day, Lao Kong bought his wife a bouquet of roses. His wife was very happy and kissed him. During dinner, she noticed a woman's lipstick mark on his face and flew into a rage, demanding he confess.
Seeing his wife's forgetfulness, Lao Kong smiled and pointed to his face, indicating that if she kissed him again, she would understand where the lipstick mark came from.
Unexpectedly, his wife slapped him and said angrily, "Don't think I wouldn't dare! You're out there flirting and you still have the nerve to laugh!" @Shiyiyuan26
. My mom asked me, "Chenchen, are you free this afternoon?"
Knowing my mom was bound to have a lot on her plate, I declined, saying, "I'm going to see my friends this afternoon."
Mom said, "Okay, my computer's broken, I'll use yours this afternoon." @Zhixian27
, My husband and I went to the market to buy groceries. We'd almost finished, and we only had 2.5 yuan left. My husband suggested buying an eggplant, but several he picked were overweight. I always have a good eye, so I just picked one that cost exactly 2.5 yuan. Excitedly, I held up the eggplant and shouted, "Honey, this eggplant is the perfect size!!"

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Exquisite little jokes

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