57 Classic Jokes

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1. Guan Yu was seriously injured and unable to move easily.
Liu Bei and Zhang Fei were attending to him.
Guan Yu said, "When we swore brotherhood, we said good brothers were like hands and feet. Now that I'm unable to move easily, elder brother and third brother, who will be my hands and feet?"
Liu Bei thought to himself: Second brother is so big, if I were to be his feet, I'd have to carry him everywhere, wouldn't that kill me? Being his hands would be much simpler, just feeding him, no problem!
So he said, "Third brother has good legs, so he'll be your feet. I'll be your hands!"
Guan Yu gratefully said, "Alright! Elder brother, from now on, I'll trouble you with everything—relieving myself, wiping my bottom, and even masturbating before bed every night!"
Liu Bei:..... 2. I went on a blind date.
The girl looked at me and seemed a little disgusted.
I quickly said, "Don't let my weight fool you, I'm genuine inside and out, my personality is just like my appearance!"
The girl asked curiously, "You mean, you have a very stable personality?" I smiled and said, "No, not at all! I mean, my weight is 250 pounds, and my personality is 250 pounds too!"
The girl: Think twice before being vulgar. 3. Xiao Wang accidentally swallowed his big gold tooth while eating lunch. So every time he finished using the toilet, he would spread out a plastic stick to look for it before flushing. I felt disgusted and couldn't help but ask, "Even if you find it, what can you do?"
Xiao Wang laughed and said, "This thing costs tens of thousands! If I find it, of course I'll wash it and put it back in!"
After hearing that, I immediately threw up. 4. After finishing my meal, I felt suffocated, so I smoked in the living room. My daughter, while watching cartoons, warned me, but when I didn't react, she went to the kitchen to complain to my wife.
Wife: "I know, but Mom's hands are busy right now, can you help me deal with him?"
My daughter, mimicking my wife, put one hand on her hip and stubbed out the cigarette in my hand, scolding, "Old Jia, are you trying to get yourself killed! All you do all day is smoke, have you forgotten how your uncle died? Lung cancer! You're such a grown-up, how can you act like a child..."
Just then, my daughter seemed to remember something, ignored me, and went back to the kitchen to complain to my wife, "Mom, how am I being childish..." @biao521ge5, My younger sister went to learn the currently fashionable nail art. The master taught her: First, you must have a high sensitivity to color; in fact, your skill in color mixing must reach a level of perfection!
My sister asked: Master! How can I reach that level of perfection? The master replied: Then you must surpass my understanding of color. Do you know what color is when you mix red and cyan?
My sister answered: Master! It's purple!
The master was immediately astonished: Are you a genius? Tell me how you know that!
The younger sister calmly replied: "Because I tripped and fell!" Her knee immediately turned red and blue, and then soon turned purple! @I'm a Nail 6. A rich man had three sons...
One day, the rich man felt he was about to die... So he called his three sons.
The rich man: "Here are a few dollars for each of you. Go and buy something."
The three sons asked in unison: "What should we buy? What will we do with it?" "Whatever you buy, whoever's purchase fills the warehouse will inherit my estate."
So, the three sons went off to buy things.
The eldest son bought a large pile of cotton, but it was still too little, only enough to fill one corner.
The second son bought a candle and lit it. Unfortunately, it still didn't fill the warehouse, because the warehouse was too big.
The rich man was disappointed. He looked at his third son, who was carrying a pile of wood, and said disappointedly: "Can't any of you do it?"
The third son angrily held up the candle and said: "Give me the inheritance! Or I'll burn you all!!" So the third son successfully obtained the inheritance. @monkey7. A family was watching "Water Margin" and came across Wu Dalang selling pancakes.
The mother scolded her 10-year-old son: "Look at him, he's already earning money at such a young age." @李绍旺8. Man A: My wife is a model of a virtuous wife and loving mother. Man B: Oh? Then tell me what her good qualities are? Man A: She's very thrifty and hardworking.
Man B: For example?
Man A: To save water, she only mops the floor once a year and only takes a bath once a month. Man B
: And what else?
Man A: She keeps her mouth shut.
Man B: And what other advantages?
Man A: To this day, she still won't tell me who my son's father is. @笑死爹了. 9. A couple was making love, and the husband finished quickly. The wife said: "Why did you finish your homework so quickly today?" The husband
replied: "Now everyone is advocating for reducing the burden, so homework should also be reduced..." The wife slapped him...
The husband: "Why did you hit me?"
The wife: "Damn it, reducing the burden, is it just reducing homework to only five seconds?" That's too much of a reduction! 10. Wife: Damn it, all you know is the lottery. When do you ever care about me?
Husband: Honey, of course I do. I care, I love you... Wife: So, what's our wedding anniversary?
Husband: I remember, I remember, it's the day of the 28th lottery draw...
Wife: ... @Past Events Like the Wind 11. Wife, Mistress, and Second
Wife: The wife is playing a defensive game—keeping her eyes and ears open, ready to fight off any potential invaders and ensure the territory is not lost;
the mistress is playing an offensive game—constantly adjusting her offensive strategy, trying every possible way to plant her flag on the enemy's position;
the second wife is playing guerrilla warfare—choosing profitable targets, with the strategic goal of obtaining the greatest results with the least investment. 12. Wife: Did you get your bonus today?
Husband: No, no.
Wife: Hurry up and take out the money hidden under your feet, are you looking for death?
Husband: You, how did you know?
Wife: Damn it, I've been married to you for so long, don't I know how tall you are?! 13. Wife: Did you get your bonus today?
Husband: No, no.
Wife: Hurry up and take out the money hidden in your pants, are you looking for trouble?
Husband: You, how did you know?
Wife: Damn it, I've been married to you for so long, don't I know how big your dick is?! 14. Master Zhao raised three daughters, who all got married.
The eldest son-in-law was a wealthy man, the second son-in-law was a scholar, and the youngest son-in-law was a bit mentally challenged and made a living by farming a few acres of poor land.
Master Zhao owned six large yellow oxen. Seeing that the old couple were having difficulty walking, he wanted to divide the oxen equally among his three daughters.
The eldest son-in-law, who always liked to take advantage, suggested that his father-in-law have the three sons-in-law write poems to divide the oxen.
Whoever wrote the best poem would get three oxen, and the worst poem would only get one ox.
The second son-in-law, intimidated by the eldest son-in-law's wealth and power, dared not compete with him for first place.
Knowing his third son-in-law was a fool and incapable of composing good poetry, he figured he could guarantee an average share.
So, he took the lead in agreeing to the eldest son's suggestion.
Master Zhao, following the principle of majority rule, had the three sons compose poems in descending order of age. The eldest son-in-law, prepared for this, immediately recited: "
My gold and silver will fill three carts, and
I'll take three of the six oxen.
One ox and one cart—a perfect match. "
"Bring in the longevity and wealth flowers!" The second son-in-law, being relatively honest, only wanted a middle number, so he recited: "The eldest is clever, the third is foolish,
I want two of the six yellow oxen."
He had already discussed it with his virtuous wife, and
they each took one home. The third son-in-law, a farmer, especially needed oxen for plowing.
He put his hands on his hips and loudly recited: "
I have three baskets of foolish words,
I want all six yellow oxen .
Anyone who messes with me,
may they be childless and their graves desolate!
" The others looked at each other, stunned. The third son-in-law waved his hand, and together with his wife, they happily led away the six large oxen. @房钟客15, Husband: I saw on TV that those disabled people do things with their feet, and I really admire them!
Wife: What's so special about that!
Husband: Can you do it too?
Wife: Of course!
Husband: Then try it!
Wife kicked her husband: Pour me a glass of water!
Husband: ...... @゛Don't be afraid if something happensゝThere's 110 (police) here.
16. Teacher: Ah Dan, why did you roll the dice during the exam? Ah Dan: Obviously, I'm doing multiple-choice questions!
Teacher: But multiple-choice questions only have 4 options, but dice have 6 sides. How do you do it?
Ah Dan: That's easy. 2, 3, 4, 5 correspond to a, b, c, d. If you roll a 1, choose the shortest one. If you roll a 6, choose the longest one. @papar33317. In this world where looks matter, appearance is also a form of wealth. Not long ago, I met an investor who immediately decided to partner with me in a business. He would provide the money, and I would provide the manpower. We would open a haunted house together.
I thought my chance to make a fortune had arrived...
Who would have thought that on the first day of opening, several people would faint from fright...
18. I finally finished preparing the client's information this morning and rushed to the boss's office. I was so excited that I forgot to knock and rushed in…
Boss Hu was pinning his secretary, Xiao Wen, down on the sofa, engrossed in eating two “steamed buns”… Seeing me barge in so carelessly, he glared at me and said: “Put the documents on the table and get out of here. Remember to knock next time!”
I was sweating profusely and quickly retreated…
Back at my desk, I was restless, having left a bad impression on the boss, and my promotion was hopeless again! And in my haste, I even forgot to apologize…
After thinking it over, I resolutely decided to go back and apologize to make amends…
Damn it~~ I forgot to knock again… @LemonBoyXiaoDouDou19, A centipede was sunbathing in a corner, and a fly flew over and landed next to it. A parrot hanging under the eaves saw this and loudly asked, "Are you two dating? When are you getting married?"
The centipede, hearing this, impatiently replied, "Soon, I'll invite you to dinner then!"
The parrot laughed and said, "If you two get married, what kind of strange thing will you have?"
The fly angrily said, "A fly-centipede (parrot)!" 20. Teacher: Xiaoming, you're playing on your phone in class again! Xiaoming: Today is Teacher's Day!
Teacher: Shouldn't we respect teachers' work on Teacher's Day? You should listen to the lesson!
Xiaoming: Isn't this respect? Teacher Cang worked so hard to film that video...
Teacher: You... get out! @JianGe 21. A fool and his buddy went to play by the river and suddenly found someone drowning. The fool quickly pulled the person ashore, but the person was still unconscious. The two were discussing how to save the person.
The idiot said, "I happen to have a book with me; it talks about how to save someone." My friend said, "Great! Tell me, I'll save him."
The idiot opened the book: "When encountering a drowning person: 1. First, confirm consciousness and breathing, then, after ensuring the airway is open, breathe in."
My friend did as instructed and asked, "And then?"
The idiot continued, "2. Lay the person flat, then punch their neck to ensure the airway is open."
My friend was a little confused but still did as instructed.
The idiot continued, "3. Slap them hard 20 times." My friend asked, "Why is this different from what's shown on TV?" The idiot said, "What do you know? Just do it."
After my friend finished, he asked, "And then?"
The idiot turned to another page and said tremblingly, "Correct answer: 1." @FunnyUnlimited22. Autumn is here, and the weather is getting cooler. Today I bought my girlfriend some clothes; after much deliberation, I bought one that fit perfectly. My girlfriend loves it, and it's very warm in it.
Speaking of my girlfriend: she's gentle and generous, can cook and do laundry, even plays LoL with me, we shower and sleep together, she even accompanies me to the toilet, I'm becoming more and more inseparable from her.
_ Hilarious reply: Loser!! Is buying gloves really that much of a stunt? This is a bit too much of a show-off. _ @HappyLittleGrasshopper23, A black bear in Russia said to a tiger: I want to go to China!
The tiger was surprised: How will you get there?
The black bear replied: I'll swim there!
The tiger said: You want to smuggle yourself in!
The black bear laughed: Smuggling is done by humans, I'm going to have an affair. I heard that female bears in China are very beautiful!
The tiger: How do you know?
The black bear laughed: You haven't watched "Boonie Bears," have you? And you've certainly never seen the beautiful and charming Cuihua girl! @WhenPeachIsRipe24, After Zhu Yuanzhang established the country, he began to eliminate his former business partners. Empress Ma asked: Why doesn't Your Majesty remember the past?
Zhu Yuanzhang said: I can't help it, I come from a peasant background. When the crops are ready, regardless of their quality, they must be harvested before another crop can be planted. 25. A poet, seeking pleasure, chose the most beautiful young lady and asked, "How much for a night on a painted boat listening to the rain?"
This young lady, always changing her tune depending on the person, laughed and said, "Tonight we'll sing and drink together, an unforgettable night will cost a thousand."
The poet said, "The red apricot blossoms are bursting with spring's joy, are you joking, miss?" The young lady replied, "When the flowers bloom, you should pick them; even if you spend a thousand, they will return." The poet said, "A hundred flowers are blooming in competition, others only spend three hundred for the night!" The young lady said, "The spring breeze blows ten miles along the Yangzhou road, but nothing compares to the beauty of the pearl curtains." The poet said, "I need to borrow another five hundred from heaven to make up the thousand." The young lady said, "Hmm, ah, five hundred will only last until midnight." The poet said, "Big bad wolf, little lamb, let's hurry and get a room!"
26. What does "going to school" mean? What does "studying" mean? 27. I've always felt that the phrase "leaving with nothing" has two meanings: one is financial, and the other is physical. 28. It's said that Old Wang next door has been unusually rampant lately. For the sake of harmony among couples, I offer the following two suggestions:
1. Install a security window!
2. I sell various modified wardrobes, equipped with infrared automatic sensors that can randomly generate weapons such as electric current, ice, flamethrowers, and metal blades. ... 29. Friends ask me what my research direction is.
I say I study wetlands.
Every time, this answer makes me seem very sleazy. When they ask me to elaborate on what I specifically study,
I can only truthfully answer that I study wetland birds. 30. Before I even got out of bed this morning, the kids were clamoring to go out and play. I tried to persuade them, saying that going out all the time would tire Dad out and it wasn't good for his health. But these naughty kids wouldn't listen. Sigh! How can I, as a father, bear not to satisfy their wishes? So I masturbated again... 31. A guy was watching Japanese adult films in his dorm when his girlfriend called him and asked, "What are you doing?"
This guy calmly replied, "I'm watching a Japanese documentary, 'A Bite of China'..." 32. "Son, you've lost weight again!"
"Mom, you don't know, I've never been the one to attack!" 33. My sister-in-law came to visit
. After dinner, my wife was washing the dishes while my sister-in-law and I chatted in the living room. She asked me, "Brother-in-law, my colleagues all say I'm fierce. Do you think I'm fierce?" I was about
to answer... when my wife, in the kitchen, poked her head out and shouted, "If you dare look at me, I'll break your legs..." 34. Wife: Honey, let's choose matching online names. I'll call myself "Sadness," you can choose one.
Me: Then I'll call myself "Wind."
Wife: What's the connection between wind and sadness?
Me: Have you heard "Above the Moon"? Do you remember the lyrics? "Yesterday forgotten, the wind dried the sadness!"
Wife... 35. Wife: "Honey, I hope our future child won't be like you, so stubborn."
Me: "I also hope the child won't be like you, so short-tempered." Wife: "Then who the hell should the child look like?"
Me... 36. Today, while driving my wife to work, she asked me, "Why aren't you using the lighter I gave you?"
I instinctively replied, "I am!"
Then she said, "You're smoking again..." 37. Husband: Honey, I read in books that women's breath is described as "fragrant like orchids," but yours is "fragrant like a lotus."
Wife: Why change a word? Lotus is fine too, it smells nice. Husband: Durian. 38. My crush wanted to buy a computer, so I frantically helped her check specs, compare prices and performance, and analyzed all the pros and cons...
Finally, she said, "Then I'll choose the pink one." 39. My crush suddenly messaged me privately, repeatedly asking if I was there... I immediately replied, "Yes, yes, yes!"
Then she said, "You and xxx are close, right? Can you introduce us?"
Seriously... 40. This afternoon, I went to the bank to withdraw money. There were a lot of people, so I took a number and waited in line...
Bored, I folded my queue number into a heart shape. Just as I finished, it was my turn. Without even unwrapping it, I handed it directly to the girl at the window.
She glanced at me, blushed, then looked at my card balance and promptly threw it in the trash. ... 41. On the subway, a young couple. The girl asked, "What are we having for dinner?" The
boy replied, "What we eat isn't important, what's important is who we eat with." The girl said, "Oh, my mom's making braised pork for dinner. I'm going home to eat." The boy... 42. In a Western restaurant at the train station, a couple was dining. The boy said, "Let's go, the train has arrived."
The girl didn't say anything. The boy smiled, "We have to part ways eventually, let's go."
"Wait a little longer..."
"You don't want me to leave? It's okay, I'll come back later..." "I'm not full yet..." 43. A couple was arguing. The girl said, dissatisfied, "I'm a girl, you're a boy, you should give in to me."
The man gave a disdainful smile and said, "I'm a sissy, you're a tomboy, you should give way to me..."
Then... Then... The woman kicked him...
44. What is a good Chinese mother?
I saw a pretty saleswoman while shopping for clothes, and she called me: "Son, I was in a rush and forgot my wallet today. I'll give you this saleswoman's WeChat ID, you can send her a red envelope to pay!"
Haha. I was moved to tears, she really is my mom... 45. I went to my girlfriend's house for dinner, and her aunt said something that really touched me: "Let me tell you, once you connect to our Wi-Fi, you're part of our family." 46. On Mother's Day, I responded to the call to say "I love you" to my mom. A guy in my dorm dialed the phone, hesitated for a long time, and finally said softly: "Mom, I love you!"
She hurriedly asked: "Son, what's wrong? What happened? Don't do anything rash..." 47. Every evening at dinner, my mom scoops rice for me, and I often say, "Mom, give me less!"
Every time, she replies, "Okay."
Then, I watch helplessly as she reduces a huge bowl of rice to half-full! 48. My mom gave me 1000 yuan and said, "Buy a nice outfit!"
I said, "This outfit is new!"
Mom: "It's so tacky. It's already ugly, how are you going to pick up girls wearing this?"
Me... 49. I went to a colleague's house, and she was holding her six- or seven-month-old baby on her lap.
The baby peed, and it flowed down her trouser leg. I laughed at her, "You idiot
, didn't you notice?" She said, "I noticed. You can't move when the baby is peeing, otherwise he'll stop."
That's a kind of maternal love, isn't it? 50. There's a city in Japan called "Inuyama," but thinking about it, it could also be called "Wang Feng" (a famous Chinese comedian). 51. Ten years of life and death, a vast and boundless separation; five years of life and death, a vast and boundless separation.
52. Xin Qiji and Huo Qubing sound like a couple's names... 53.
The little sailboat set sail for the first time and said to the sea, "Please guide me!"
The sea ignored it.
The little sailboat was very sad and missed the little ditch next to the sailboat factory. ... (The ditch guides the sailboat...) 54. A reporter asked Wukong, "What's the most painful thing on the journey to the West?"
Wukong said quietly, "Having meat in my mouth but not being able to eat it."
Reporter: "Oh, really? What kind of meat?"
Wukong: "Pork and Tang Sanzang's flesh..." 55. Wukong said to Tang Sanzang, "Master, the journey to the West is so boring, shall we play a word chain game?"
Tang Sanzang: "Okay, I'll go first, 'Do whatever you want.'"
Wukong: "Do whatever you want."
Tang Sanzang: "Do whatever you want." Wukong: " Do whatever you want." Tang Sanzang: "Do whatever you want." Wukong:
" For your mother's sake." Tang Sanzang: "Forced to join the Liangshan bandits, at the end of the road, do your best, do whatever you want, do whatever you want, do whatever you want..." Wukong... 56. Scalpers are everywhere and omnipotent; they can get any ticket imaginable… until one day, they encountered a single guy. The single guy said, “I just want a girlfriend!” The scalper… 57. In Hong Kong, if you buy, you get ripped off; if you don't buy, you get beaten up.

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