Put it back in! It's so tight, do you think I wouldn't notice if you pulled it out?

page views:1 Publication date:2022-06-07

1. I was on a bus, and there was a girl next to me wearing tight denim shorts. There was an older man slowly approaching her from behind.
Finally, I saw the loser on the bus... wait, Uncle Shu reached near the girl's butt and pulled her phone out of her back pocket.
mm suddenly turned her head and yelled: "Put it back in! It's so tight, do you think I wouldn't know if you pulled it out?!"
2. Me: "Why do you keep things to yourself instead of saying them out loud?"
Girlfriend: "I want to make my breasts bigger!"
2. This morning I said, "Mom, your daughter-in-law Xiaotang is coming back today."
My mom calmly said, "Yes, eat more chives, lettuce, watermelon, and tomatoes."
I searched online for the health benefits of chives, lettuce, watermelon, and tomatoes, and I was speechless...
3. My period has been late lately, and I'm feeling very anxious.
The woman in the next office just walked in complaining that she couldn't shower because she was on her period in the sweltering heat.
Then I remembered a classmate saying back in school that if two girls stood next to each other,
Periods can be "induced." I couldn't wait to ask her to sit next to me.
The woman sat calmly beside me and asked timidly, "Is our connection transmitted via infrared or Bluetooth?"
4. Holy crap, I had a wet dream last night, I actually had sex with a tiger!
5. So, back in school, there was a girl sitting in front of me. After a while, I joked with her, saying, "I'll draw circles to curse your future husband with impotence." She replied, "I'll draw circles to curse you to be a lifelong virgin. When you get married, I'll definitely sing 'Happy Breakup' at the wedding." Now she sits next to me, and is my girlfriend. Thinking about this now, I'm utterly speechless...
6. I met my wife in college. She is a lovely woman in both appearance and personality. She is gentle on the outside but strong on the inside, and her personality and speech are very fierce.
I once talked to my wife about my ex-girlfriend. She was a grade 10 pianist, but unfortunately, she had a bad character... I feel sorry for my poor judgment back in high school.
One day, I had a fight with my wife and was very angry. Seeing that she was at a disadvantage, she weakly slumped to the ground.
He said sadly, "Your ex-girlfriend was so great, she could even play the piano. What about me? I can only play the xiao (vertical flute)..." All my anger was extinguished at that moment.
7. During the National Day military parade, as soon as the female militia members appeared, the camera cut to show President Tao, who had just been stern-faced, with a smile on his face.
8. I am a bus driver. Today, while waiting for passengers to board at the terminal, a dog darted onto the bus. I pointed at it and shouted, "Buy a ticket! No ticket, no boarding!" The dog turned around and got off, then followed the bus for two stops.
9. After I finish having sex with my boyfriend, he will take off the condom, hold his semen and say: "Sweetie, say goodbye to Mommy."
10. A guy bet on Japan vs. Denmark (3:1) and won 20,000 yuan. He treated everyone to drinks!
During the meal, my buddy said smugly: "I knew it! How can fairy tale writers compete with adult filmmakers..."
11. Our school's computer lab is really weird. The numbers aren't 1, 2, 3, but Computer 1, Computer 2, Computer 3. Unfortunately, I was seated 8th.
12. Yesterday morning, my husband got scolded by the director for not drawing the blueprints well. In the afternoon, the director asked my husband if he had any of the "Beast Gate" videos. My husband said no, and he got scolded again.
13. I was chatting with a friend the day before yesterday. He's never had a girlfriend, so I asked him why he doesn't find one. He said earnestly, "My love died back in kindergarten!" Then he lit a cigarette. "Back then, I liked a girl. One day I bought some candy! She came up to me, looking like she really wanted some. I said, 'I'll give you one if you let me kiss you.' She said okay! So I gave her one, but she ran away. From that moment on, I stopped believing in love!" We both burst out laughing.
14. I just watched the CCTV Lantern Festival Gala. Zhu Jun gave me a riddle: "Sowing seeds." I laughed. Then he said it was about a bird. I was stunned...
15. I have a good friend who loves staying up late. One day at 2:30 AM, he was watching a football game. Suddenly, he heard rustling sounds at the front door. So he turned off the TV and leisurely went to the kitchen to get a cleaver. Then he stood at the door, listening to the thief trying to pick the lock. After about 20 minutes, the thief still hadn't succeeded. He got impatient, grabbed the cleaver with his left hand, flung open the door with his right, and yelled at the thief, "Damn it, are you new here? Trying to scare me to death?!" The thief yelled back and vanished in an instant!
16. During the last World Cup, my mom and I watched football for several weeks (actually, I wanted to watch and hogged the TV; my mom had nothing else to do, so she just watched with me). Then one day, the referee blew the whistle on TV, and before I knew what was going on, my mom said, "Offside..."
17. My roommate asked a hardcore online gamer, "Why do women scream during sex?" He replied, "To buff the guys, like increasing their attack speed and attack power..."
18. One day I dreamt I was a member of the Eighth Route Army, chasing a lone Japanese soldier with a knife. The soldier ran incredibly fast, disappearing from my sight in no time. Just as I was wondering what was going on, a small mountain appeared before me. So I climbed and climbed, finally reaching the top, where I found the Japanese soldier lying prone. I then plunged my knife into his head. The next morning, I woke up to find my bunkmate looking at me with resentful eyes, pointing to a huge bump on his head and saying, "You came panting up here last night, and I was just about to ask you what you were going to do. You bastard, without a word, you swung a clothesline pole at my head!"...
19. I remember once during a self-study period in high school, a few boys were telling jokes. One of them said, "A thief jumped out of the grass, swaggering around wielding two hammers. Even without the sun, he's still tanned. Guess who it is?" A girl in front of him suddenly turned around and said, "Li Kui?" The boys said, "Li Kui uses an axe, right?" Seeing the girl's confused look, the boys burst into laughter.
20. Once in high school, my deskmate asked me, "What do you like to do?" I misheard it as "What do you like to watch?" So I blurted out "Beautiful women." A moment later, she said in a dramatic, almost flamboyant tone, "Am I considered beautiful?" Out of politeness, I replied, "I guess so." Then, for some reason, she ignored me for a week.
21. Went to get my bag removed today! I saw an old man, over 60 years old, also getting one. Then I heard him say, "Over 60 years! I've finally seen the sky!"
22. This morning I was sexually harassed by a perverted guy on the bus. I actually felt quite sorry for him. When he was pressed against my back, I farted. Since I usually suffer from constipation, you can imagine how smelly it was that he automatically jumped away.
23. After a few of us finished dinner, we started talking about cartoons from our childhood on the way home. The eldest brother excitedly shouted:
"I'll form the head!" The others: "I'll form the torso!" "I'll form the legs!" Fourth Brother XE:
"I'll form the crotch!" The second brother, who hadn't said a word, looked at the fourth brother... and said, "I'll form the penis!"
24. Bro, I'm in for a disaster today. I was watching the World Cup with my girlfriend, Portugal vs. North Korea. Before it started, I told her that if Portugal scored a certain number of goals, we'd make love that many times! She readily agreed… The game ended… and I'm in for a disaster too! 7-0! A seven-times-a-night wonder!
25. I went out for the weekend, but it was too hot. I passed by a supermarket and bought a pack of wet wipes. They were really nice to use.
When I got home in the evening and was unpacking my backpack, I accidentally saw a few words on some leftover wet wipes.
"For cleaning and disinfection after menstruation in women."
26. I have a colleague who loves playing online games (and he's really addicted). One day after get off work, we were walking home together—me, his younger brother, and I. We were walking ahead, and his brother was behind. Suddenly, I looked back and his brother was gone! I asked him, "Where did your brother go?" He replied with a flourish, "He probably disconnected!" I was speechless. (Does he think we're teaming up to fight a boss?!)
28. I've been out of touch with information lately, too busy with work. Yesterday, my girlfriend, who acts in a play, had a performance, so I went to see it and bought her a bouquet of flowers. They gave her a small card with it, but I hadn't thought about what to write. When it was almost time to present the flowers, I just wrote something like, "A model of virtue and talent, keep up the good work!" and then I gave it to her.

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Put it back in! It's so tight, do you think I wouldn't notice if you pulled it out?

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