How to correct bad habits during sex?

page views:1 Publication date:2023-04-03

You don't expect your sex life to be like a movie, but you also don't want it to feel like a set menu lacking surprises, or always having to start at first base, then second, third, and back to home base. At least it should be like a buffet, with more choices. If you could ditch these four old-fashioned sexual patterns, you could keep the feeling fresh and enjoy it more each time. Like wearing the same old, very comfortable shoes or sweatpants all the time. They won't bring you special joy, but that familiarity brings a certain comfort or pleasure. Although you've never demanded that your sex life be as adventurous and exciting as a movie plot, the almost unchanging, time-bound nature of your sex life, like a train timetable, is gradually eroding your passion. You know exactly which button you'll unbutton before you kiss passionately, and what will happen next. "When the comfort of sex kills the vitality, you have to try to discard the familiar patterns and allow new possibilities," says Mirakirshenbaum, a Boston psychotherapist and author of *Women & Love*. In particular, you should break these four hidden and common bad habits to prevent your sex life from becoming increasingly dull. Bad Habit 1: Budget-Friendly Sex Imagine you walk into a restaurant and order your favorite dinner. Now imagine doing the same thing tomorrow, the day after, and the day after that... You should know how that feels. Even your favorite meal will quickly turn into a "it's the same again" feeling, and sex is no exception. "Take boredom as inevitable, and it often comes with success," says Kirshenbaum. "Usually after a few times, you'll know what both of you like and try to follow this successful pattern. Before long, this becomes what you consider the perfect sex pattern, but this limitation is, after all, too monotonous and too narrow." You might not feel anything is wrong when the relationship is just starting to stabilize. But ironically, too many successful and standard sex patterns can affect your interaction. The most common complaint is: "We've only been dating for six months, but it feels like we've been married for forty years." Such routines can create rifts in the relationship. Strangely, as soon as you're apart from him, you can't wait to see him again. So, the problem isn't with either of you; what needs improvement is your sexual dynamics. Try going back to the buffet instead of the set menu, picking out dishes you didn't expect to like. "Always try new things, even if they don't work," Kirshenbaum says. "Every new attempt is a victory because you tried, even if it might leave you exhausted." This doesn't mean you have to abandon all your past favorite methods and start over. Just don't stick to your familiar routine; treat your partner's body as a fertile ground waiting to be explored, or occasionally do something crazy, like suddenly bursting into the bathroom while he's showering, keeping the sex fresh with wild gestures. Bad Habit Two: Top-Up Sex This kind of boring sex feels like climbing a ladder. Each time, you have to reach the previous level before you can move on to the next. Each step brings you closer to the final goal: sex. The formula for sex goes like this: usually, the first night is just kissing, the next few dates involve cuddling and caressing, touching the breasts. The next date, the caressing moves from the breasts to below the waist. Then they quickly meet again, repeating everything done before, and then it's all about sex. At this point, you can't help but think: we finally did it. Many people believe that since two people have already reached a certain stage, going back to repeat the steps they've already done should make them feel more relaxed and at ease. "But not all paths lead to orgasm," says Paul Joannides, a Los Angeles psychoanalyst and author of *The Guide to Getting It*. "We don't need to define sex as something that unfolds slowly; it doesn't necessarily have to end with intercourse." Try slowing down each other and prolonging the pleasure, revisiting the body parts that are usually aroused during regular caresses. “Now we feel that he makes me very happy whether we have sex or not. We’ll simply caress each other for an hour, and then slowly fall asleep in each other’s arms,” says 28-year-old Lynette. “The rest of the time we stop caressing and just chat for a while before starting again. Instead of feeling pressured to end each time with intense sex and worrying about whether the other person has orgasmed, we want the whole process to feel like a long, slow, beautiful, and all-night teasing session.” Bad Habit Three: Reward-Based Sex Your boyfriend makes you feel amazing, so you naturally feel like you’re making him feel ecstatic, to the point that you both go to sleep with smug smiles. Or maybe you make him feel so good that he doesn’t want the feeling to be one-sided, so he spends an extra hour on you as a reward. But this immediate reward can sometimes ruin the chance for both of you to reach orgasm together, and make sex both long and tiring, requiring effort to avoid guilt, like washing the dishes immediately after eating dessert. “If you’ve just had an incredible orgasm, you’re probably feeling incredibly happy but also exhausted,” says joannides. “Usually, the last thing you want to do is bring your boyfriend to orgasm too. But maybe because you or he is tired, or because you’re worried about a meeting tomorrow morning, you might not be able to, and you both end up feeling sleepy and tired. So, don’t worry about who’s next. If you’ve made him feel great, tell him to relax, lie down, and enjoy it. And the next time your boyfriend makes you scream with pleasure, you can say, ‘I’m not moving. Can I be a little selfish tonight?’ Usually, if your boyfriend is mature enough, he’ll enjoy helping you reach orgasm and find excitement in your moans and groans. ‘I love giving my girlfriend oral sex,’ says 34-year-old playwright Mike. ‘Sometimes, I’m satisfied just knowing I’m making her happy. I don’t even think about how it’s my turn to orgasm next. Because I’m always thinking about making her happy, I’ll be satisfied too.’” Bad Habit Four: Clown-Style Sex. Using sex lotions, sexy lingerie, and sex toys can turn your sex life into a carnival. If you feel you have to jump through hoops of fire to create the right atmosphere, you're just using an illusion to avoid boredom. "Actually, when we use something new and unusual, intimacy becomes more difficult because it complicates the process," says joannides. Remember, "variety" is what spices up your sex life; don't rely on fancy gadgets or inventions. When "performance" replaces "sharing," the pressure to seek stimulation can damage intimacy and make it harder for either of you to be satisfied. "My ex-boyfriend always liked to have sex in the bathroom, or in the kitchen, or even in the elevator," says 30-year-old Denise. "After six months of standing like that, one day I couldn't help but tell him, 'Honey, I just want to have sex in bed like everyone else.' We discovered that having sex in the bedroom can be just as exciting, and it's so much more convenient."

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