She is like an aunt, but also like a wife (Part 1)

page views:1 Publication date:2024-03-01平湖秋

She is like an aunt, but also like a wife.
A sexual encounter too embarrassing to talk about, a lifelong longing.

My hometown is in the countryside. In July 1980, I was admitted to the No. 7 Middle School in the county, which was 17 li (approximately 8.5 kilometers) from my home. It was a key middle school, and although it recruited students from all over the county, very few students could get in based on their academic performance, except for those admitted through designated areas or back channels. Only a dozen or so of us with exceptionally good grades were fortunate enough to attend. Although it was called a county middle school, the school was actually located in a small town where the township government was situated. The school buildings were dilapidated, but still much better than my primary school. At least the buildings were neatly arranged, and there was the largest playground in the town. Most of the students were children of officials, and although the school provided them with more assistance, such as allocating several small dormitories to them, it still gave sufficient attention to us students who were admitted based on our own merits. First, each class assigned one of us, so that we could serve as role models for our classmates and make it easier for teachers to tutor us; second, it was made clear that we could be class representatives but not class officers; and third, it was secretly instructed that the teachers should give us special attention in our studies. During a private meeting with us, the elderly principal, whose hair was streaked with gray, said, "...That's just how reality is, there's nothing I can do. You are the school's precious treasures, and the school's reputation depends on you..." His last few words were clearly tinged with resentment, sorrow, and helplessness. The old principal was born in the 1930s; though not highly educated, he possessed a strong sense of justice and humanity, which deeply moved us all.
At first, we rode our bicycles back and forth, but as autumn approached, the days grew shorter, and it was already dark before school was over. The school made several girls squeeze into the female teachers' dormitory, while we boys...
There was no other way. That day, the principal and the head of the teaching department called a few of us together and said, "Sigh! What should we do? Seeing you all working so hard from dawn till dusk makes me feel bad! Besides, it's not safe. Do any of you have relatives in town? Could you go and stay with them? Things will be easier once spring arrives."
A few days later, all my classmates had gone to stay with their relatives and friends, but I had no relatives in or around the town. I had no choice but to continue working from dawn till dusk. A few days later, the old principal found me and said, "The old poor farmer who used to be stationed at our school has some space at his house. The old farmer is gone, but his son is very kind and has agreed to let you stay at his house. Bring your own food. The school has coal; when no one is around, push a cart of it there. If anyone asks, just say I told you to push it..."
On Saturday afternoon, I was pushing my bicycle home when the old principal saw me and said, somewhat displeased, "Why didn't you hurry up and do what I promised you?"
"I want to go home and bring the food with me first."
"Well, how about this? I'll take you to familiarize yourself with the place today, and you can bring your own food tomorrow." After saying that, the old principal pointed to the handcart next to the teachers' canteen and said, "Go and bring the cart here."
The old headmaster personally wielded a shovel, and together we selected large chunks of coal, filling a cart to the brim before heading towards the home of an old poor farmer. As we walked, he instructed me: "Don't be playful, be observant, and help others with chores in your spare time..."
To be honest, having never left home since childhood, I wasn't very willing to stay at the old poor peasant's son's house, but I couldn't go against the old principal's good intentions. After knocking on the door, a middle-aged woman opened it and greeted the principal warmly, saying, "Principal, you're here! Come in quickly." Then she saw me and said, "Oh! What a handsome young man. Why are you still pushing coal? We have plenty to burn."
The principal briefly introduced my situation, gave me a few instructions in front of her, and then we left.
On Sunday afternoon, I arrived carrying grain. The woman warmly took the grain sacks, opened them, and said, "What fine millet! Oh, and white sorghum too! You must study hard, or you'll let your family down."
The old poor peasant's son was also home. He said in a loud, rough voice, "From now on, you have to take the grain; you can't just eat for free. As for coal, forget it; we don't need that stuff." Calling him straightforward was accurate, but calling him honest and simple wouldn't be quite right. Actually, he was quite irritable. At first, I tried to call him "brother" and his wife "sister-in-law" based on my own siblings' ages, but he flatly refused: "You can't call me that! How old are you? Call me 'uncle' and 'aunt'!" So I started calling the old poor peasant's son "uncle" and his wife "aunt." I became an unofficial member of their family. They had a son and a daughter; the son was nine years old and attended primary school in the east of town, while the daughter had just started babbling.
"Uncle" was 36 years old that year. He was a car owner, a big, burly man with little education. He was always swearing, and you could never see him smile. He liked to scold me when he had nothing to do. One evening, he came in and saw that the yard was very clean. He threw his whip behind the door and said, "Damn! Why do you country bumpkins keep your yards so clean? You could use that time to write a few words!" I was a little afraid of him.
My aunt was a very virtuous woman. She never raised her voice, and whenever my uncle scolded me, she would just smile at me, even if he had wronged me, she wouldn't defend me. I guess I was going through a rebellious phase at that time, and no matter how much my aunt tried to be affectionate, I felt resentful, especially when I saw her walking around in her underwear, swaying her plump hips. What I hated most was their son, who always rummaged through my schoolbag and sometimes even pestered me to do his homework. Once, he was playing with my pen and accidentally dropped it, breaking the nib. I was so angry I wanted to hit him. I liked their daughter, though; she was fair-skinned and chubby, and she didn't cause me any trouble. One time, all the adults were out, and I put her, who was fast asleep, on my kang (a heated brick bed). I studied while watching her. After a while, she woke up, probably seeing that her mother wasn't there, and started to cry. Suddenly, she saw an apple next to her and struggled to turn over and reach for it with her little hand. Her hands were small, but the apple was big. She grabbed the apple, and it rolled forward a little. She used all her strength, wriggling forward, to grab it again, but the apple rolled forward again. After trying and trying, she finally chased the apple to the ground, and then she burst into tears. I couldn't even laugh; I quickly picked her up and, imitating an adult, rocked and soothed her. I love holding her and playing with her, but I can't let my uncle see. If he does, he'll say, "Men who like to hold children have no manners!"
Looking back now, I'm filled with gratitude for that boarding school era. But back then, having just left home, I knew nothing about the outside world, so life wasn't easy. The only thing I was content with was being able to eat a meal of snow-white rice or steamed buns at my "uncle's" house every time I returned home or before returning. My family lived in a mountain valley with no irrigated land, and we rarely saw fine grains except during the Spring Festival. The town government was located on a plain, producing rice and wheat, although they didn't grow much rice or wheat to maximize yields. The first time I ate rice, I felt a little embarrassed and wandered around, trying to slip away. My "uncle" said, "Damn it! Just eat yours, what's it to you what you eat!"
Because of the excellent learning environment and good living conditions, I not only consistently excelled academically, but my body also grew rapidly. By the time I was in my final year of junior high, just 16 years old, I was already 1.78 meters tall. My "uncle" sternly said, "Damn! You've eaten all the good stuff."
As fate would have it, that winter, "Uncle" was hauling stones when his horse got spooked. The cart, fully loaded with stones, ran over him, and he died shortly after being taken to the hospital.
??对于“叔”的去世我的感情很复杂，虽然后来他在外出拉脚的时候不知从那里打听到我们还有转了好几道弯的亲戚，在他的强制下我称呼他们为表叔、表婶，实际上八秆子也表不上，亲情是没有的，加上他总训斥我，对于自尊心极强的我来说难免沉淀一些积怨，甚至瞬间产生一种庆幸心理---以后没人再训斥我了。但这种心理一闪既逝。一来毕竟在一起生活了2年多，尽管他训斥但从没影响我的学习和生活；二来他家发生这么大变故我能否继续寄宿还是未知数，难免有些顾虑；特别是对于这个家庭今后将如何存在充满担忧与同情。我不会表达感情，每当表婶哭泣的时候我就走进她的房间默默的站在她面前，直到她停止哭泣。烧“五七”那天我回去的较晚，到家后听他们尚不谙世事的小女儿说：“妈妈给爸爸送钱去了。”我没顾上吃饭便赶到村头，表婶哭的气息哽咽，任谁都劝不了。我仍然默默站在她旁边，有人说：“别哭了，你家的学生来了。”表婶真的逐渐停止了哭泣，半晌问我：“吃饭了吗？”“吃了。”我答。或许我的这种无声劝慰胜似有声，以后很少听见表婶的哭泣，应该说这期间不管愿意不愿意，不管是否出于感情我都在分担表婶的巨大悲痛。饭菜依然可口，甚至细粮比以前还多了。火炕依然温暖，由于他们的儿子回到他们的房间我由炕梢挪到炕头。但再没有了训斥声，没有了欢笑，曾经不绝于耳的“操”彻底消失了。表婶整天沉默寡言，孩子们似乎瞬间长大，静静的学习，静静的吃饭，静静的睡觉。时光在沉默中静静的流失。
??寒假到了，放假那天已经腊月23了。在学校开完会我没直接回家，而是来到“表婶”家。出于多种考虑，我准备回家住。到表婶家后我先是拼命劈了一大堆木柴，然后又将水缸压满水，最后把院子扫的干干净净。表婶一直狐疑的看着我。一切就绪后我走到表婶面前：“表婶，明年开春天就长了，我想回家住。这么长时间麻烦您了，将来......将来我会报答您。”不知为什么说这番话的时候我忽然心里酸酸的，言语有些哽咽。
??婶听后默默的坐在灶前，没等说话眼泪一串串滴在地上。忽然她抬起头，脸上甚至带着笑：“我知道你要走了，走吧！这个阶段家里太乱，委屈你了。”
??表婶的笑让我感到心悸，我赶忙解释“不......。”
“唉！不用解释......。家里这个样子，你学习也受影响。
??诚如表婶所说，她娘家没几个人又离的远，表叔在世的时候脾气不好得罪不少村里人，孩子又都小，以后生活的艰辛可想而知。
30那天，家乡充满年的氛围。我和小伙伴们上完坟回到家里已经接近中午。看着到处花花绿绿的对联、挂钱儿和满灶间的菜肴，忽然想到“表婶”，在万众欢庆的时刻他们是个什么样子呢？小弟还吵着要炮仗吗？小妹有花衣服吗？表婶是不是又坐在炕上哭？刹时婶的千般好处齐集心头，情绪立即一落千丈，独自默默的坐在台阶上出神。欣赏完年画的爸爸从屋子里出来看见了我，诧异的盯着问：“怎么了？怎么了？哪不舒服？”见我不回答便有些急：“说话啊！你这小子！”妈妈听见了扎撒着沾满白面的手走出来，哥哥、嫂子、姐姐都拿着他们各自分工的活计围了过来。
??我知道这种情况不说明白爸爸是不会善罢甘休的，爸爸爱子女，小病小灾他到不怎么在意，他最怕子女在外面受欺负，连妈妈都说他“护犊子”。此时随着年龄与学识的增长我已经能够完整的表达主观意念和客观事物，当我绘声绘色讲述了“表婶”对我的好处以及她家的遭遇，妈妈、嫂子和姐姐眼圈都红了。沉默片刻爸爸忽然说：“你去一趟，带上点年货，如果晚了就在那里住下明天早点回来。”妈妈不满的说：“大过年的，别人跑一趟不行？非得他去？”
??哥哥听妈妈说完便说了句“我去”，然后到屋里换衣服。
??爸爸说：“谁去能代表他？让他去吧，这么大了，要懂得知恩图报。”
??于是，我带上妈妈和嫂子准备的一面口袋豆包、年糕、冻豆腐，还有一串自己采集的蘑菇骑上自行车风驰电掣的向“表婶”家奔去。
??到“表婶”家大概是吃年饭（下午3点左右）的时候，推开虚掩的大门没有对联与挂钱儿，院子里随风滚动的枯枝败叶更增添了几分凄凉。我扛着面袋子进了冷冷清清的堂屋。大概是表婶听见了门响，带着悲怆之音问了句：“谁啊？”
“我``婶，我来了！”
??婶掀开门帘，蓬乱着头发诧异的瞪大了眼睛：“你怎么来了？”
“我来看看你，来陪你过年。”
??婶的眼泪立时淌了下来。
??进了屋，小弟坐在饭桌前写作业，此时正瞪着大眼睛显得很陌生的看着我。小妹则牵着妈妈的衣襟亦步亦趋的跟着转。
??我知道我不是为送年货才来的，我的主要任务应该是调节这近似僵固的空气。想了想我问：
“婶，做饭了吗？”从表叔去世后我对她就简称为婶了。 “你还没吃饭？”
“是，再说，你们也得吃。”
“好，我给你们做饭。”
??婶说完来到灶间，我跟着出来，很老练的对婶说：“婶，我理解你的心情，叔已经走了，咱们还要过，同时弟妹还小，不能在他们幼小的心灵留下过多的阴影。”或许是我的话触动了婶的慈母之心，婶欣然道：“对，我们还要过，咱们过年！”
??我回到屋里对已经流露出欣然之情的小弟说：“走，我带你们去买炮仗。”小弟乐得一下子窜在地上，小妹则喊着：“我也去！”
??毕竟都是孩子啊！我感慨着抱起小妹领着小弟向门外走。婶似乎已经从悲怆的境遇里挣脱出来，脸上露出了久违的笑容：“我给你拿钱去！”
“我有钱！”
??是的，我有钱。每当过年的时候，家里或其他直系亲友都会给我压岁钱，尽管很少但那个时候物价极低，500头的鞭炮只需几毛钱。来到镇上仅有的商店，早已闭店了，是啊！今天是春节，人们都早早回家过年了。看着弟妹失望的眼神，我决心不让他们失望。我想回家去取，把他们送回家让他们等，骗他们说到另一个地方去买。在骑上自行车向家赶的时候我想，拿鞭炮肯定没问题，可往返需要近两个小时，看来在自己家过年不可能了。说实话，我并没想在婶家过年，最多晚点回家。因为过年没有在父母面前更温馨的了。边走边注视路两旁，希望看见挑着担子的小贩。小贩没看见，路过同学苗xx家的时候我突发奇想，和他借不好吗？一种强烈的心情驱使我在他家门前下了车。当我刚迈进同学家的门，苗xx就从窗户的玻璃里看见了。他一惊一乍的跑了出来：“哎呀，你干什么来了？”
In this rather unique school, the interactions among classmates fully embodied the philosophy of "birds of a feather flock together." Those children of officials, relying on their wealth and power, were always arrogant and haughty; we students, who entered based on our own merit, were poor, but because of our excellent academic performance, we looked down on them. Those students who entered through district-based admissions had nothing to boast about, naturally becoming the most inconspicuous lower class. My unexpected visit seemed to make Miao XX feel quite honored, so he was particularly attentive. After I explained my purpose, Miao XX readily said, "No need to borrow, I have plenty, I'll give you half." He then went inside to get it. Miao's mother, having heard the story, also came out, somewhat moved, saying, "What a good child, do you need anything else?" Regardless of whether I wanted it or not, the old lady filled a handkerchief with dates, sour pears, apples, and other things, insisting on putting them in my hand. After taking out firecrackers, Miao XX still felt it wasn't enough, but he couldn't bear to take any more of his own. After thinking for a moment, he said, "Wait a minute." Then he got on my bicycle and sped away. He returned a moment later, panting, carrying a bunch of firecrackers. As he got off the car, he said, "I snatched them from Zhang X. He had more than me." He put all the firecrackers in a bamboo basket and shoved it into my hand. I felt a little embarrassed. Seeing my hesitation, he pushed and pulled me towards the door, saying, "You go first, I'll go after I finish eating!" Before he finished speaking, he had already dashed into the house.
Back at my aunt's house, my younger brother hurriedly took the bamboo basket, and soon the courtyard was filled with the spirit of the New Year.
The little girl squatted by the doorway, rummaging through the fruit in her pocket, occasionally telling her mother what was inside. Her aunt watched us with a mixture of sadness and joy, her hands constantly pumping the bellows. Her family wasn't poor; she hadn't prepared any New Year's goods because she was in a bad mood. Perhaps she felt a little guilty towards her children? Her eyes shone with boundless loving kindness.
Just as I picked up the broom to sweep the yard, Miao XX arrived in a noisy throng with several classmates. Unexpectedly, two girls who never spoke to me also awkwardly entered the yard. Without being told, everyone sprang into action; some swept the yard, others pumped water, and the two girls rolled up their sleeves to wipe the dust inside the house. Although Miao XX wasn't a good student, he had a special interest in electricity. He forced his aunt to find a bunch of stiff electrical wires in the junkyard, pulled them from the house to the jujube tree in the yard, installed light sockets, screwed in light bulbs, and flipped the switch—it lit up. He then meticulously coiled the excess wire into various patterns, which looked quite nice to the eye. I've forgotten the name of the shortest classmate, but seeing that everything was ready except for the couplets, he clamored to go home and get them, saying he had plenty left. His aunt smiled and stopped him, and thinking she was being shy, he asked me for my bicycle. I smiled and winked at him, and he said "Oh, oh" twice and then fell silent. I understand, "To remember the deceased, one must observe the rites for three years; to honor our ancestors, one must always cherish a heart full of gratitude." For three years, my aunt's family cannot wear red or green decorations.
The courtyard was small, and the rooms weren't big either. Soon all the work was finished, and the several hands and minds that had been working at high speed suddenly stopped, leaving them somewhat at a loss. Miao XX stared at her aunt and asked, "Is there any more work? Is there anything else?"
"There's really no work left, let's eat!" the aunt said.
"We've all eaten," the students said in unison.
"Then eat a little less and try Auntie's cooking."
I was hungry too, and seeing how hungry my younger siblings looked, I knew I couldn't keep refusing, so I urged everyone, "Eat less!"
The table was small, but there were many people. Everyone, standing or sitting, huddled together, making a racket, and finished eating in no time. Before we could even tidy up, Miao XX shouted, "Let's set off firecrackers!" People immediately rushed into the yard. It was already dusk; the neighbors had already turned on their lights, and we turned ours on too, instantly illuminating the yard. People were setting off firecrackers, lighting fireworks, and snapping pops; laughter and chatter filled the small courtyard. Neighbors on either side, whether out of envy or jealousy, would occasionally peek over the wall. I knew that my uncle hadn't gotten along well with the neighbors when he was alive, and my aunt needed someone to uphold her dignity. Sure enough, I saw a look of satisfaction on my aunt's face.
Miao was concentrating on setting off a double-bang firecracker when his aunt suddenly shouted at him, "Genzi (Miao's childhood name)!"
"Hey!" Miao xx didn't turn around, but just pointed his ear towards his aunt's direction, while his hand was still fiddling with the firecracker.
"I need your help!"
"Speak!" The firecracker was already lit, and Miao XX staggered, stretching out his left hand to wait for it to explode.
"Why don't you guys take us back?" My aunt's use of "we" confused me as well.
"Bang... Bang!" The firecracker went up into the sky.
Miao XX shook her hand, which had gone numb from the shock, and asked in surprise, "Who?"
“Sikai!” my aunt said, pointing at me.
Miao xx turned her suspicious gaze toward me.
I knew my aunt would be happy if I stayed. But the pull of home and my parents was irresistible. My aunt knew this all too well, so she asked my classmates to take me home.
Seeing that I didn't respond, Miao XX understood what I was thinking: "Damn! Aren't you spending the New Year here?"
That single "Fuck!" shook my aunt and me. Since "Uncle" passed away, that word had disappeared from this courtyard. I, with my classmates every day, naturally heard it often, but at this moment, it stirred up painful memories. My aunt, who rarely left the house, would never have heard this almost vulgar, yet widely circulated, curse. This word had been with her for ten years; how would she feel now that it had suddenly vanished? I involuntarily turned to look at her, and sure enough, her face darkened. This scene almost shook my resolve to go home, except for Miao XX, who, oblivious to the situation, continued to nag, "Then let's go, I still want to play cards with you."
I stole a glance at my aunt's expression and noticed that her face gradually softened and a smile returned to her face. Whether it was a forced smile or not, I wished her a Happy New Year and took my leave.
My aunt said, "Come with me for a moment."
I followed my aunt into the west room. She emptied the bag of flour I had brought, filled it with rice and peanuts, and then took out five yuan from her pocket and gave it to me. Seeing her extremely solemn expression, I didn't dare refuse, but a wave of indescribable sorrow welled up inside me. As we walked out of the west room, my aunt said, "After the New Year, you should still... come!"
The voice contained sadness, longing, expectation, and pleading.
"I'll do it!"
As people were seeing me off, I quietly said to two female classmates when my aunt wasn't looking, "Please, could you stay a little longer?" The last few words were clearly tinged with sorrow. The female classmates, who were prone to tears, immediately filled their eyes with tears upon hearing my words, and simply nodded vigorously...

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