She is like an aunt, but also like a wife (Part Two)

??
She is like an aunt, but also like a wife.
A sexual encounter too embarrassing to talk about, a lifelong longing.

(Continued) This year is the year of the high school entrance examination for the third year of junior high school. The school requires the third year of junior high school students to return to school on the seventh day of the first lunar month.
I originally planned to leave early on the morning of the seventh day of the Lunar New Year, but my mother reminded me: "Since you're going to stay at someone else's house anyway, you might as well go a day earlier, help them with some chores, and when you have nothing else to do, go and visit your 'uncle's' grave. It's the Lunar New Year, so you can only visit graves at noon; it doesn't matter when you go at other times."
To be honest, I'd been having so much fun these past few days that I'd completely forgotten about my aunt's house. My mom's words reminded me, so I urged them to pack my things, and we went back to my aunt's house around 10 a.m.
My aunt came out to greet me when she heard the bicycle bell in the yard. Seeing it was me, she said with delight, "I knew you'd be here." I wished her a Happy New Year, pretending to kneel down (in rural areas, close relatives kowtow when exchanging New Year's greetings), but she grabbed me, saying, "Don't do that, save it for my nephew to grow taller." So I just bowed. While scolding me for bringing so much grain, she helped me carry the bags of grain and luggage into the room. Once inside, she asked about my parents and told me about what happened after I left on New Year's Eve: "After you left that day, those two women didn't leave, and those male classmates came back and came to our house. They played cards and checkers, making a ruckus until the offering of paper money (to welcome the God of Wealth). They've also come by in twos and threes during the first few days of the new year. I've been married into this family for 11 years, and this year's New Year was the most lively I've ever had. I forgot all my worries." As she spoke, she patted the dust off me: "It seems you're not only good at studying, but also quite popular!"
After saying that, my aunt started making lunch. Seeing that there wasn't much to do, I called my younger brother and we went out of the house. My aunt thought we were going out to play, so she told us, "Come back quickly, lunch will be ready soon."
My younger brother is only ten years old, but since losing his father, he seems to have grown up overnight. He not only studies hard but also often volunteers to help his mother with chores.
When we returned, we saw my aunt looking out from the gate. Seeing us, she said with a mixture of worry and reproach, "Where have you been? The food's all cold." When she saw my expression and my younger brother's tear tracks, she understood and gratefully ushered us inside. After dinner, my aunt said to me in a consultative tone, "Sikai, the kang (heated brick bed) in the west room hasn't been heated in a long time, and the room is very cold. Would it be alright if we, the mother and children, slept on this kang?"
Seeing my shyness and hesitation, she added, "I'm your aunt, what are you afraid of? First, it will save firewood by burning one less kang (heated brick bed), and the house will be warmer when we're together; second, I'm a little scared after your uncle left..."
I didn't have any other thoughts, but I was mainly worried that my studies would be very intense after school started, and that studying late every day would disturb their rest. I was also afraid that the two children would cause trouble. At that time, high schools were rare, and most junior high school students couldn't get into high school. Although I was confident about that, the pressure was still there. Since my aunt said so, what could I say? So I readily agreed. At night, my aunt arranged for me to sit at the head of the kang (a heated brick bed), my younger brother next to me, and her at the far end. In fact, my aunt was right. Spreading firewood on one kang saved firewood and made the room extra warm. My aunt kept the two children very disciplined, and they never disturbed my studies. Whenever the night was quiet and the three of them were asleep, I would set up the kang table and study by lamplight. After the summer came, I suggested living alone in the west room, but my aunt dissuaded me, saying she was afraid of the night. After this change, especially after the Spring Festival, my aunt took care of me almost meticulously. Every day, she would put food in the pot and tell me to eat whenever I was hungry. Later, seeing that I never touched anything in the pot, she would get up in the middle of the night, put on her clothes, and bring me some snacks or a bowl of malted milk. Whenever this happened, I would give her a grateful smile and then continue to bury myself in my studies.
For nearly a year, from the second semester of junior high to the first semester of senior high, we spent it in a warm and harmonious way.
Before the high school entrance exam, I had a fierce internal struggle. My family wanted me to apply to the county's top high school, which I also longed for; it was the best school in the county, and with my grades, getting in shouldn't be a problem. However, the monthly food and accommodation fee of 15 yuan was a worry for my father. The former principal naturally hoped that I would apply to the high school affiliated with their school. Before the exam, he called a meeting with us and said, "In terms of reputation, we don't have the same prestige as No. 1 High School, but the level of our main teachers is by no means inferior. Your grades would be top-notch even at No. 1 High School. The uneven academic performance of our students is due to societal reasons. Here's the problem: at No. 1 High School, nobody knows you; you're just ordinary students. Here, you're our precious students, and I will use all my resources to nurture you. This isn't because I'm overly concerned with fame and fortune; too many students get in through connections every year, making it impossible for me to be the principal. If we don't take this approach, our key school will collapse in less than two years. I'll retire in a few years, and I'm not afraid of anything anymore. In any case, I want those who got in based on their academic performance to have a good outcome; otherwise, I'll be letting your parents down. Go back and discuss this with your parents. Even the best schools have bad students, and even the worst schools have good students. Besides, studying here can save us some money."
The old principal's words had already solidified my determination to apply to our school, but when I got back to my aunt's house, I still seriously sought her opinion and clearly stated that I wanted to apply to the No. 1 Middle School. After I explained the situation, she was silent for a long time, and finally said quietly, "Go if you want to. Tuition is not a problem; I'll pay for it for you."
I was very touched and couldn't bear to lie to her: "Actually, I had already made up my mind to take the entrance exam for this school."
My aunt looked up, stared at me blankly for a long time, then suddenly blushed, gritted her teeth, and slapped me hard with the sole of the shoe she was sewing: "Tell me, are you reluctant to part with your aunt?"
"That's a factor," I answered truthfully while laughing and dodging the question.
My aunt was very excited. Since the day I met her, I'd never seen her express her true feelings so openly. I suddenly noticed that my aunt was actually quite beautiful.
While I was still hesitating about which school to apply to, my younger brother quietly got into the junior high school of the county's No. 1 Middle School and started boarding there. Although I'm five years older than him, I started school two years later because my home is far from the school, while his home is near the school and he started a year earlier. All things considered, I'm only three years ahead of him.
On September 1st, I stepped into Class 1 of Grade 11 at my school, backpack on my back. That teacher, always spouting quirky remarks but with a wealth of teaching experience, became my homeroom teacher. Upon seeing me, he imitated Yin Chuan from *Dream of the Red Chamber*, saying, "The phoenix has arrived! Come in quickly!"
My first year of high school was the most relaxed. Although the school and teachers kept reminding me, they actually relaxed their management, intentionally or unintentionally. Because my uncle was injured in the line of duty, the village was responsible for cultivating our family's contracted land; we only had to tend our own vegetable garden. In my spare time, I had no burdens except to help my aunt with some farm work. I was confident in my intelligence and good foundation, so I picked up sports I loved in elementary school, like basketball and table tennis, and played them all day long. My aunt reminded me to study hard several times. I still ranked first in the whole school in the midterm exams. At noon, I showed my grades to my aunt, and she happily hugged and kissed me. This unusually affectionate gesture foreshadowed the later "unspeakable" events.
??此前，尽管我和婶的感情亲密的近似暖昧，婶儿的一些私生活也不刻意背我，比方在菜地方便的时候她只是梢离开几步背过身便解裤腰带。小弟住校后她晚上起夜也要我做伴。而我从没非分之想，始终认为这是长辈的一种特权。我们始终保持在和谐与纯洁的范畴里。
??现在看，这种和谐与纯洁的基础是靠不住的。毕竟她不是真正意义上的长辈。
人，当他的心理逆反期过后随之而来的是渴望解读异性的神秘。随着年龄的增长和性器官与性意识的成熟，普遍有一种跃跃欲试的冲动，这种冲动除受环境、条件影响外主观上主要被传统道德伦理观所束缚。而一旦环境、条件具备，道德伦理无力作用，性就会无处不在。孟子说：“性者，食色也。”大学时期年过半百的老教授讲述生理知识时说得更为直率：“性，是人类乃至宇宙万物繁衍发展的基础，没有性就没有一切。”
??我已经18岁，在这样的环境下，此前除感情隔阂外主要是学习紧张无暇顾忌。当这些障碍消失，面对萍水相逢、风韵绰约、相濡以珠、年仅33岁---差距尚达不到能够抵制异性相吸引普遍规律程度的成熟女性，难免产生觊觎之心。
而婶儿，在经过一年多的调整已经从悲痛的阴影中挣脱出来，生活步入正轨，孩子也都离手（女儿上学前班了），面对威猛高大、朝夕相处、视为知己又萍水相逢的男人，“性者，食色也”的理论同样适用。
??婶儿的亲吻，使我顿时产生一种不能自制的亢奋，冲动压倒了理智，婶亲吻后我紧搂着婶儿，以至于在婶柔软光滑的肉体作用下阴茎勃起抵在婶仅一布之隔的腹上。婶儿肯定感觉到了，沉静片刻，她用手指点了我一下额头，然后推开我红着脸说：“一会儿孩子们该回来吃饭了，看让他们碰上。”
??事后我虽然惭愧、自责，但却无法抑制对婶儿雪白的酥胸、纤细的腰围、浑圆的臀部的窥视。一种占有欲开始滋生。
我知道，婶儿并不是纯家庭妇女，文化知识上更不是白丁。她是文革初期毕业于江苏无锡的一个中师生，几年前曾在镇东头小学当老师，小弟学习好又上学早都得力于婶的帮助。79年末，在叔的坚持下她又生了了女儿，因超生自行退职。至于为什么江南秀女最终嫁给胸无点墨的村夫，婶儿没说，我也没问，直到今天仍然是个迷。婶儿虽然已34岁又育有一双儿女，但因不参加体力劳动皮肤与身段保养得很好，看上去要比实际年龄年轻。特别是她兼有北方人挺乳肥臀的体貌特点，风姿超约性感逼人。婶儿的这种身份与身材无疑加剧我对她的向往之心。
??我的觊觎之心婶能察觉到，但她从没斥责规劝，总是一笑了之。究竟是她贤淑的性格使然还是亦怀春有意放纵我不得而知，我则私之之欲逐渐膨胀，却徒有其心不敢轻举妄动。
??下学期开学不久的一天下午，自习课时我发现数学练习册忘带了，便匆匆回去取。打开大门进入院子发现房门也锁着，我以为婶或许自己去了菜地，没有多想便用钥匙打开房门，推门一看，婶一丝不挂，豁然站在堂屋中央洗澡。我怔在那里直直的盯着婶儿白璧无暇的躯体。婶儿忽然惊叫一声蹲在地上，下意识的俩手捂住乳房，毛茸茸的私处却一览无余。见我呆看有些嗔怒的说：“看什么看？进屋去。”
??蒙蒙懂懂的我蓦的醒悟过来，慌乱的走进卧室，稳定一下情绪估计婶已经穿好衣服便拿着练习册走出来。婶儿乳房上至膝盖间围个黄色浴巾，神色安然，笑吟吟的问：“你这时候回来干啥？”
??本来遭到斥责我羞愧的无地自容，可一见婶儿的神态，加上她裸露着的肌肤，情欲又迅速恢复上来。我没有回答她的话，涎着脸撒娇搬搂住婶的腰用嘴拱她的乳房。婶先是半推半就，正待我鼓起勇气准备进一步动作的时候，婶挣脱我的手说：“别闹了，快去上学，有什么事晚上再说。”
??我是不会也不敢强加于她的，何况她说“有什么事晚上说”。这无疑是一种希望。我松开婶儿冲她做了个鬼脸然后回到学校。整个下午我满脑子都是婶儿雪白的肌肤、小巧的乳房和黑乎乎的私处......。
??放学后我婉拒了球皮们的邀请早早回到婶家。婶儿见我回来的早，撇嘴笑道：“早啊！”
??我故技重演，放肆的搂住她说：“婶儿，今晚我挨着你睡。”
“去，接你小妹去！”婶儿习惯的点了一下我额头忙着做饭去了。
??晚上，我无心学习，9点刚过就喊“困了，睡觉！”
??小妹听话，听说睡觉便倒在我们中间一会儿就睡熟了。看着小妹的位置再看看无动于衷的婶儿我有些气恼，故意不理她，袜子也不脱和衣倒头便睡（平时我是穿内衣睡觉）。沉静一会儿婶儿悄声说：“没出息！”边说边将小妹连褥子被子一起向炕稍一推，我们中间就空了出来。我立即转嗔为喜，感激的看着婶儿。婶儿满脸红晕撇我一下，将自己的被褥挪过来，又沉静片刻，长出两口气气然后闭灯、上炕、脱衣、钻进自己的被窝。
??如果说灯光下我的行为与意识还需要掩饰，黑暗中一切淫邪都放肆的抖落出来了。我激动、亢奋又夹杂着恐惧，不知过了多久我的手怯怯的从婶儿的被沿悄悄伸入抚摸在她柔滑的乳房上。
婶似乎想推开，但抓住我的手轻轻移动一下后又无力的松开了。蹂躏一会儿我得寸进尺，手逐渐下移，经过婶儿光滑柔软的肚皮触摸到她的短裤，当我试图从短裤边缘探入的时候婶再次抓住我的手，却将我手放在自己乳房上。如是者几次，我奋力挣脱束缚最终摸到那片蓬乱茂密的灌木丛，继而抚在她湿润、柔软的阴部，刹时我象通了高压电一样热血沸腾，不知天为何物我为何物了。我跃起身几把撕扯掉衣服（短裤未脱），掀开婶儿的被子粗鲁的骑在她的身上，手摸着乳房，嘴啃着她的唇和胸，浑身使劲儿扭动。
??婶儿摸着我的短裤说：“脱了吧。”我手脚并用蹬掉了短裤，粗大坚硬的阴茎直抵在婶儿的私处，我至今不知道婶儿的短裤什么时候没了。婶一直平静，偶尔发出一两句叹息般的喘息，当她意识到我还不懂怎样性交的时候便侧起身攥住我的阴茎对准自己的一个部位。我稍用力，感到滑溜溜，软绵绵，柔腻腻的一阵惬意，阴茎进入婶儿的体内深处，婶儿和我几乎同时发出“啊”的惊呼。
??呼过之后婶儿仍然平静。我以为女人都是这样任凭男人肆虐，当活塞运动进入狂乱无章的境地，第一股精液涌进婶的体内时，她忽然疯狂起来，口中发出压抑的低吟，臀部狂乱的扭动，手忽而搂紧忽而狂推，最为惬意的是随着我射精的频率她的生殖器有力的张、合......。
??天刚亮的时候我醒来，忽然看见我和她仍然一丝不挂的搂在一起不禁大惊，要是被她的女儿看见如何解释？尽管她小，可她会描述与学舌，我慌忙爬回自己的被窝穿上衣服。她也醒了，同样惊恐的环顾一下然后狠狠拧我一把坐起来擦拭满是污垢的褥单儿......。
??按常规，这个时候我们都要起床了。我要早自习，她要为我准备早饭。我根本无心学习，待她穿好衣服到灶间做饭的时候，我跟出来搂住她手从裤腰伸进去，她说了句：”我就知道你没够。唉！我不该跟你这样。”边说边解开了裤腰带。婶生育了一双儿女，生殖器自然要松弛些，插入很容易，但插入后却将我的阴茎吞裹得严滋合缝。又是在射精的时候她进入癫狂状态(多年实践证明，我和她的性最为和谐，几乎每次都同时进入高潮)。
??窗户纸已经捅破，两人间的沟壑已经填平，再没有扭捏与羞涩。她除了因为年纪比我大而有些心理障碍外性欲是极强的。当天下午我既没上学，待她刚送孩子回来我便将她抱上炕扒光了她的衣服，尽情的欣赏、玩弄她的生殖器。她也毫不掩饰的捧着我的阴茎亲吻。夜间，本来已经疲惫不堪的我还是悄悄掀开她的被子钻入蹂躏一番。我从此陷入纵欲的泥潭不能自拔。
??此段描写有些荒唐、龌龊、下流，但这是事实，既然写了就没有必要在掩饰。相信男女间的性爱特别是初期都应该有同感，最多不过程度不同。我们都不是淫荡的人，后来的事实可以证明，但不淫荡不等于没有没有对性的追求。
??她，有一般女性所不具备的可人特点，包括生理特点和性格特点。我经常思忖，这样的一个优秀的女人怎么会沦落成农妇？难道这也是“文化大革命”若的祸？
??她没有脾气，不论是对我、对子女还是对素不相识的人都是微笑。她有郁闷、有烦恼也有忧伤但她从不转嫁给别人。她是个弱女子，但在重大变故面前又是那么坚毅镇定。直到今天，已经是负责一个方面工作的官员的我，每当回顾她的细腻、大度、温柔、刚毅，看似矛盾却有机结合在一起的性格特点，我都感叹，自愧不如。
??退职后的忧伤与迷茫，丈夫的粗鲁与蛮横，邻里间的尖锐对立，这一切极大损害了她的身心健康。我初识她时头发虽黑却蓬乱、脸蛋儿虽白却憔悴、笑容虽在却苦涩，整天谨小慎微犹如旧时代的女佣或童养媳。自从我进入她的生活，从开始的准母子情怀到情人、准丈夫，她的身心得到全面康复（这是她自己的话）。容貌与过去比已经判若两人。作爱时我曾问：“以前我怎么没发现你这么漂亮呢？”她笑着说：“儿子对母亲的感觉是分不出美丑的。”
??事实是，我刚来到的时候很少正眼看她更谈不上端详。所以殷勤、顺从不过是为了生存。我的出现给她的生命注入新的活力这是我自己也想不到的，可她懂。她说过：“一个女人有个可心的男人可以让她永远年轻。”
??我最为迷恋的还是她的裸体：白嫩细腻，，凸凹有序，粗细有秩，趴上去温柔似水。女人的阴毛大多在小腹下阴阜上有一小片，而她，自小腹以下遍部阴道周围，蓬蓬松松密密麻麻。大阴唇犹如一道分水岭，光洁、丰腴，犹如傲然挺立于丛林中的巨石；小阴唇宽厚、红润，倔强的突出大阴唇之外。特殊的生理构造极适合我硕大阴茎抽插、进退。我曾先后处过两个女友（包括妻子），但没有一个象她这样舒适宜人。我问他是什么民族。她说：“我虽是汉族，但兼有蒙古族血统。我姥姥是纯蒙古族。”想起家乡广为流传的一句下流话，便背给她听：“蒙古逼，高桩的，三天不操绑绑的。怨不得你这么可人，原来你是混血儿啊！”我嘲弄着，她便探起身子来拧我的脸。
“婶儿”既然贤惠，又沾染了家乡女性惯宠男人的习性，自发生性关系起，便开始给我吃小灶，每天早晨的鸡蛋是必须吃的。而且从此坚决不准我再从家里拿粮，要我向家里解释，说是我干的活足以顶粮钱了。而我，因为有了她的温柔之乡，开始乐不思蜀，既不愿读书也不想回自己的家。直到两个月后的连续两件事才使我们翻然醒悟。
11月初，她的潮汛没来，她开始坐卧不安。我不懂，每天照旧缠着她求欢，她虽然很少拒绝但作爱时显然精力不集中。尤其令我不解的是每当射精的时候她都竭力和我脱离接触。直到我生了气她才笑着平静的告诉我：“我可能怀孕了。”
??我大惊失色。
??当时社会上正强制计划生育。许多超升的家庭被搞得家破人忘。凡是有了一个孩子的男女都要节育（上环）；凡是有两个孩子的都要手术绝育。婶儿生完最后一个孩子后是戴了环的，后来因为叔的离世有关部门就忽略了绝育的要求。大概因为乡下医疗单位技术差没戴好或性生活过于频繁、激烈弄掉了。我最担心的是当时的社会环境，而她最担心的则是名誉和我的前途。而一旦露馅那种担心都不是闹着玩的。俗语说：寡妇生孩子----肚子里有底，可她的底是不能保留这么长时间的。
??一向天不怕地不怕的我现在害怕了。婶儿见我整天无精打采便安慰我说：“别怕，过几天看看，如果真怀孕了我想办法。”但我知道当时的办法谈何容易？就是正当的怀孕人流医院也要手续。度日如年般的又过了半个月还是没有动静。一天婶笑着对我说：“看来不能等了，再等肚子大了人家就看出来了，会让人笑话死的。”
“怎么办？”我问。
“你辛苦点，这几天自己伺候自己，我回娘家一趟，最多一个礼拜就回来。”
“我自己到好说，小妹怎么办？”
“我带上她。”
??第二天，婶儿给小妹请了假，晚上就坐上火车走了。
??我在家里度日如年，每天最多只吃一顿饭。到第四天，她回来了。看到她脸色苍白我担心的问：“怎么样？”
“完事了！”
??原来她并没去娘家，而是去了邯郸某医院找自己的同学去了。我激动的忘了孩子还在跟前，上前就抱起了她。好在孩子正低头脱鞋没看到。
??一波未平一波又起。正当婶儿卧床将息，我期中考试的成绩下来了。全部12科只有3科及格，主要的5科没有一个及格的。据说数学可以及格，但数学老师判券时见我答的不成体统判到一半就给我撕了，我可是数学课代表啊。我的成绩在学校引起轩然大波。我也由原来的凤凰变成落汤鸡。
??先是教语文的班主任谈话：“高中一年级往往看不出什么，到二年级就开始分化了，你没到二年级就被淘汰了吗？”
教导主任谈话：究竟是怎么回事？骄傲了？”
??数学老师最为果断，当即到教室宣布：“撤消x思楷数学课代表职务！”
??校团委书记，最年轻的女教头，政治老师，涵养性比较强，嗅觉也敏锐，和我谈话时一直面带微笑：“搞对象了吧？”说实在的我恨透了她，到现在我也不喜欢搞政工的。
??只有老校长的谈话让我流了眼泪：“一次考试说明不了问题，我相信你！”
??我垂头丧气的进了门儿，婶儿从被窝里伸出手摸摸我的额头：“哪不舒服？”
??我将成绩单递给她，她忽的坐了起来怔怔的看着我，我们相对无言。
??婶赤裸迷人的酮体在被隙露出来，可我无心欣赏。
??天已经暗了，该接孩子了。我经过深思熟虑，声音铿锵的对婶说：“婶儿，我去接孩子。下次考试看，如果我还考不好我永远不见你！”
“好！你这样我就放心了，以前都是我不好，太放纵了。以后我们都注意点，我最担心的是怕对不住你父母。不过，下次考不好就不见我了吗？”婶的神经也放松许多。。
??我冲她笑了笑没说话出门去接孩子。
??从此近两个月的时间我们没有在作爱。为了学习我再次要求单独住。她同意了，这个时候我才确信，她以前不让我单住确实是因为她夜间害怕。因为我搬出来后她一直不敢关灯。
??我发奋学习，她精心照料，学校还专门召开一次会议研究我退步的原因，并指定几个课任老师对我重点帮教。84年1月，在高一上学期期末考试中我成绩再次遥遥领先。
??那天中午，我兴冲冲进门将成绩单递给她，她看后象孩子一样跳起来抱住我。
??压抑多时的渴望爆发了，当我解她裤腰带的时候她犹豫着说：“能行吗？”。
??我问她：“你不行吗？”有过上次的教训我也不敢放肆了。
“我没问题，我怕再影响你学习。”
“就一次，不会影响的。”
??她顺从的上了炕，脱光了衣服。所谓久别胜似新婚，我们忘乎所以的云雨，以至于她的女儿在院子里喊妈妈，吓得我慌忙提着衣服跑回自己房间。
??如果说以前不懂的爱情更不懂责任与义务，只是为了性而性，通过这两次挫折我理智多了也成熟多了。晚上，她女儿睡了，她到我房间，我们拥抱着谈了很久。我第一次提出：等我考上大学咱们就结婚。她虽然没答应，但看得出来，她很兴奋，性交完后很久她还紧紧抱着我。
??性，一旦尝试了，要忘掉是很难的。特别是我们住在一起，要杜绝几乎没有可能，但吸取上次两个教训我们很好的进行节制，我们约定每周只能一次。事实证明，有规律有节制的性生活，有益于精神的恢复和身体健康。有规律的性生活促进了我的学习。
86年8月，我顺利考入上海一所著名大学。
??我考上了大学，家乡沸腾了。父母、亲友、老师、校长乐的何不拢嘴。海报从学校一直帖到县一中门口。是啊，在那个年代，一个乡村中学能出一个本科生而且是名校，其轰动既可想而知也完全能理解。当我使尽浑身解数挣脱各种应酬重新回到婶儿的身边的时候，她就象当年迎接我入住一样站在门口微笑着。我已经忘乎所以，不顾孩子就在身边，甚至不畏邻居的窥视一把把她抱了起来。孩子在一边笑着、跳着：“哥哥要上大学喽，哥哥抱妈妈喽。”我丝毫没有避讳的意思。
婶儿出奇的平静。当我把她放下来，她理了理头发仍然笑着说：“还没吃饭吧？婶给你作饭去。”
??她的平静犹如泼了盆冷水，我立即清醒起来。从我接到录取通知书那一刻起，我就没进这个门。换位思考，如果我是她，6年如一日以自己的全部身心精心照料，将一个穷书生送进了“龙门”，而尚未腾飞就不再恋旧巢将做何感想？我知道我错了，尽管我有我的理由，尽管我绝不做陈世美。我没有去安慰她，更没有甜言蜜语，我知道此时任何语言都是苍白的。我努力使自己更象一个丈夫，和她谈论油盐酱醋柴，并含蓄的嘱咐我走后她应该怎样照料自己和我们的家。
??她只是微笑。
??饭后，孩子睡了，她来到我的房间，首先声明：“来和你聊会儿天，以后的机会不多了。”我并没多想，简单介绍了几天的活动情况便搂住她求欢。她第一次拒绝了。在我百般央告下她勉强褪下裤子......。
??她没有激情，一潭秋水般的双眸一直盯着天棚。这是我们最后一次性爱。
??事毕，我再次提出结婚的问题。我说：“我已经19岁了，超过了法定的结婚年龄，任何人都无权干涉。”
说实话，要和他结婚我并非没有压力，年龄、孩子都成了几乎不可逾越的鸿沟，社会中的千夫所指尚且不足为虑，而最大的障碍将来自于父母。但我相信这都是时间问题，随着时间的推移，一切都会过去。我坚信她会对父母好，而善良的父母不会逼我遗弃我所爱的人，而且我还相信通过了解父母也一定会喜欢她。我信心最强的是，我既然上了大学毕业后就不可能回到这个地方，我在哪里就让她跟我到那里。
??这些无疑有我的真诚，但现在回忆也有幼稚。当我把所有这些告诉她的时候她平静的说：“现在不行，等你毕业在说吧。”
??离家那天，小学、中学都办了高跷，小站上人山人海锣鼓喧天，我在亲人和老师的簇拥下来到乡村小站。亲人们都知道她对我好，可此时谁也没想到她。我的眼睛不断在人群中搜寻，可她却渺无踪迹。
??在人们的祝福声中我蹬上了南去的列车，当风驰电掣的列车驶过镇东的道口时，绿油油的菜地里站着一个妇人......。
??对于我来说她并不仅是情人，因为她对我付出的更多的是母亲的情怀。每当我写信的时候都是将她的连同父母的一起发，父母总是及时回信。而她仍然是渺无音信。好不容易挨到寒假，当我匆匆来到她的门前看到的却是铁锁把门。我不能去问邻居，我知道邻居不睦。正当我失望的转身欲走的时候邻居阿姨主动走来：“找淑贤啊？她搬走了。”
“搬哪去了？”
“好象是南方。”
??我怔怔的看着邻居阿姨。阿姨叹息着说：“唉！其实她是个好人！”
??第二天我又来到县一中试图找到小弟，可人们告诉我：“他转学了。”
??一出校门我狠狠的说：“好彻底啊，混蛋！”
??愤怒、失望、思念，几种思绪绞在一起。从县城返家的火车上，我眺望着我们曾经劳动、生活过的地方，无法排泄郁闷，眼泪顺着两颊潸然而下，引来众多疑问的眼神儿......。
??如果她仅仅她付出了母亲的情愫，我或许不会如此思念，因为她的付出毕竟不能和母亲比；如果她仅仅是情人，我也不会如此思念，天下何处无情人？而她所以使我梦萦锁怀，就在于她既如母亲也是情人。她曾冒雨到校田地给我送伞，她曾趟河到对岸为我取药。当我们集体乘拖拉机去十几里外祭扫烈士墓不幸翻车的时候，她徒步跋涉赶到现场，看到我正和同学们指手画脚她才破涕为笑。
毋庸讳言，我们有性关系。但所有的性关系都不齿吗？每当事毕，她都会两腿夹着我的腿，让我的头枕着她的胳膊，犹如搂着一个婴儿，待我熟睡了她再悄悄的回到自己的房间......。
??这一切都过去了。
??我曾发疯般寻找过，一直到今天......。
??文章到此该结束了.感谢网友们的支持与鼓励。
I'm not trying to attract attention, nor am I just bored; this is my personal experience. Although the descriptions of sex in the text are rather explicit, it's necessary to express my longing for my aunt without them. I think if my aunt saw this, she wouldn't be angry; perhaps she would even abandon her reclusive life because she cherishes those unforgettable years. I believe my aunt loved me, like a husband, but even more like a son. Perhaps she was too concerned with her reputation or my future, forgoing the repayment she deserved and depriving me of the right to reciprocate. We've both grown old; my aunt is past fifty, and I'm approaching forty. Time has swept away the passion, leaving behind a deep and abiding affection, as vast as the heavens and the earth.
I called out to the vast sky: "Auntie, come back! No matter what your identity is, I will gladly accept you as long as you are willing..."

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She is like an aunt, but also like a wife (Part Two)

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