Life is too stressful, brothers and sisters, come in and relax.

page views:1 Publication date:2022-04-16

1. "Sir, please give me a serving of finely cultivated wheat noodles from the Hexi Corridor, with a generous amount of braised beef bone broth, a serving of tender, highland-cooked veal, plenty of double-fried chili flakes in pure vegetable oil, and a little bit of chopped green onion and white pepper."
The jade is as fresh and delicate as ever, served in a stainless steel bone china printed dish. Thank you! "Damn? Speak like a human!" "One bowl of beef noodles, extra chili, less garlic sprouts, to go!"
Comment: A bowl of beef noodles, more chili, less garlic sprouts, to go—it's that simple and straightforward! I'm just saying I want a bowl of noodles, can you please stop pretending?
2. Oh my god, this just happened… Background: We're in our second year of high school, and the school announced that afternoon naps would be taken in the classroom, so all 30 students in the class were slumped over and sleeping… = Just now, our class monitor…
She's a very well-behaved little girl, the kind who only listens to her teachers and parents. She started snoring loudly as soon as nap time began. We figured our class monitor was probably too tired, so we were understanding and didn't wake her…
It was incredibly loud, so no one in the class could sleep. ...The climax came! After a few mumbled words, she said, "Pull it out when you're about to cum!"...The whole class was stunned!
He spoke so clearly… the class was so quiet that everyone heard him…
Comment: Are you really sure you know your class monitor well?
3. Let me tell you something from my junior high school days—the girl sitting in front of me had a white bow tied behind her neck. I was bored in class, so I reached up and untied it.
Comment: To be honest, I didn't know what that was when I was in junior high school.
4. Today I took my son to the zoo. I don’t know what language my 18-month-old son used to communicate with the monkeys. I only heard him babbling a few words, and then the monkey picked up a biscuit from the ground and tried to give it to my son.
Comment: Yes, this child has potential and is worth nurturing.
5. I used to be a kindergarten teacher... Someone took our toddler class to the playground near the end of the school day. A little boy wearing open-front pants was sitting on the slide...
Here comes the climax: a little girl named Mao Mao from the toddler class poked the boy's nipple and turned to me, saying, "Teacher, I know, this is a little brother. I don't have one because..."
I ran too fast and dropped it... dropped it... Little sister, which evil person told you that?
Comment: It ran too fast and fell off; I'm now completely messed up.
6. I called my 5-year-old son to eat. He didn't want to eat. (Everyone knows that kids these days don't like to eat.) I had no choice but to force him. He ate while crying, saying, "Okay, I'll eat when you call me to eat, and I'll grow up after I'm full."
I'm not done with you guys yet. I'm so dizzy!
Comment: I'm not finished with you guys! I'm so dizzy, I'm dizzy too!
7. Today, while riding my bicycle downhill, the brakes broke. I was going faster and faster when suddenly a small dog appeared in front of me. I quickly swerved to the left, and that idiot dog reacted fast enough to swerve to the left too.
I tried to move to the right, and it moved to the right too. This happened several times, so I gave up and went straight ahead. Unexpectedly, the thing simply lay down on the ground and didn't move... and then the car overturned.
I checked too... The dog is fine... The dog is fine!
Comment: This thing is definitely not a dog, it's a canine!
8. I rushed to the office without eating breakfast this morning, and a beautiful female colleague kindly handed me a carton of Yili pure milk. I drank it all in one go, feeling very warm inside. Later that afternoon, before leaving get off work...
The beautiful woman asked me with concern, "Are you alright?" I replied, puzzled, "I'm fine." She breathed a sigh of relief, "That's good. So, expired milk doesn't cause diarrhea after all."
I can feed the dog now without worry, and throw it away to avoid waste. Damn it, a bolt of lightning struck me and cooked me to a crisp.
Comment: The most poisonous heart is a woman's! Don't be greedy for cheap deals! Don't be so self-righteous! Don't! Yes, yes, no!
9. I'm a guy, wear glasses, and single. Just now, while working on the second-floor platform, I saw a girl's figure in the window across the street. So, I struck all sorts of cool poses on the platform. After a while, someone across the street suddenly yelled, "Stop posing! I'm a guy! A guy!"
Comment: This poor kid, he should just wash up and go to bed; he's destined for a lonely life.
10. My mom said: "Girl, if you don't like what I'm saying, just beat me up. Don't try to argue with me. Why are you so stubborn?"
I said, "Mom, if you're unhappy, just beat me up. Don't waste your breath arguing with me." My mom agreed, and I was dumbfounded...
Comment: Girl, you can't be too pretentious. You're getting what you deserve.
11. One of my colleagues is a legendary plant and animal killer...
A few years ago, I had a guinea pig that started urinating blood—literally blood!
I heard that keeping a cactus can protect against computer radiation, so I kept one at my desk. One day, while everyone was working, we heard a scream. Apparently, the cactus had broken off and rolled into his hand. When we picked it up, we saw that the middle of the cactus was hollow…
Later, I bought six goldfish and put them in a small fish tank on my desk. A few days later, one would disappear, then another, and after a month, only one goldfish remained. Then one day…
Seeing the only remaining goldfish, hll, leap out of the fish tank...
Comment: My little fish, are you so easily tormented?
12. It was windy in Tianjin today. I drove out and spat out the window, forgetting about the wind. Unfortunately, it all got back in my face. So frustrating!
Comment: Manners, manners! How many times have I told you! Now you know the consequences of being rude, right?
13. I was walking down the street today and overheard some girls talking about something like defense or monsters. I thought to myself, "Wow, girls these days play these kinds of violent games too..."
Then I heard someone say: "There's not enough sun, the flowers are being eaten quickly, and the weapons are taking forever to appear, so the monsters have stormed in." I thought, "What kind of game is this? Flowers too?"
This violent game is so cute. It took me a while to realize, you were talking about Plants vs. Zombies!!! Seriously, you're making it sound like the real thing...
Comment: Um, girl, can you not talk so technically?
14. I remember there was a really awful male doctor at the infirmary in junior high... Once, a classmate got a few pimples on her face, which seemed odd, and being cautious, she went to the infirmary to ask about it.
The room was full of people seeking medical help. The old man asked directly, "Have you been masturbating lately?" The student, sweating, replied, "No." The old man said, "You're holding it in, want some toilet paper?" The student, incredibly quick, blurted out, "I have some," and ran off.
Comment: Sir, is anyone around? You're keeping up with the times!
15. Background: School earthquake evacuation drill
Halfway through class, the alarm went off. Just as we were getting ready to run outside, our lovely English teacher said, "Class, there's an earthquake!" Let's assign homework first...

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Life is too stressful, brothers and sisters, come in and relax.

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