A bank robber's robbery diary is hilarious.

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A friend of mine works in the police force. He arrested a bank robber and found a diary in the man's residence. Later, he recommended it to me. Here's an excerpt for you all to enjoy.
March 1st. Today I made a great decision: I'm going to rob a bank. But deciding which one to rob is the hardest decision I've ever made. In the end, I decided to target the Industrial and Commercial Bank of China (ICBC) because their advertisement says: "ICBC, the bank near you." It's more convenient to start with something nearby.
On March 4th, I moved to a rented bungalow near the Heping Road Police Station. As the saying goes, the most dangerous place is often the safest. I also grabbed a dozen or so pairs of handcuffs and am practicing how to escape while handcuffed.
On March 10th, I started running 5 kilometers every day to avoid being caught after the robbery.
March 16th. I was just discharged from the hospital today. Six days ago, I was beaten up with bricks by some elementary school kids on the street. I need to be careful in the future. People these days join gangs way too early. If I hadn't persisted in long-distance running, I probably would have lost my life.
On March 20th, I stole a Santana on Jiefang Road yesterday. Last night, all four wheels and the steering wheel were gone. What kind of world is this? I'll have to be more careful when I go out in the future. There are so many bad people these days.
On April 15th, I felt I needed a helper more and more. Yesterday, I wrote to a friend about my grand plan, and he expressed great interest. However, I was quarantined on the train that was on my way.
June 2nd, today I got my driver's license. In movies, robberies always involve cars and planes, but now I don't know where to take the pilot's license test.
On June 15th, in order to learn advanced robbery techniques, I stole a Teclast device from an internet cafe and some internet-connecting equipment from the telecommunications bureau. It's fucking shady. When I said I was going to rob a bank, a bunch of people on the forum shouted that they'd done it before, implying that banks' anti-robbery technology must have improved. Don't they even consider that?
...
February 3rd. Time flies; another year has passed. I can now basically disable all the alarms at the Industrial and Commercial Bank of China using my computer. To achieve this, I've read through books at the undergraduate and graduate levels. I feel that success is getting closer and closer.
On April 5th, last month, I thought the door was open and rushed into the bank. The glass was so bright that my nose was knocked 45 degrees to the left, and I passed out on the spot. When I woke up, I was in the hospital.
On April 8th, I went to the bank after making thorough preparations. There were two couples arguing; it was all about who slept with whom – such trivial matters. I was fed up. One of them yelled, "Robbery!" The teller said, "Go cool off somewhere else." I couldn't stand these shrewish women, so I left.
On April 15th, I finally succeeded in the robbery. My hands are shaking now. I'll write a detailed account of what happened tomorrow...

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A bank robber's robbery diary is hilarious.

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