Mature women's dreams

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-24

Jingzhu has been gone for several days, and my heart feels like it's gone with her to Shanghai, filled with a lingering worry. I had originally planned to go all out, meet her parents, get our marriage certificate, and then everything would be perfect. But fate has other plans, and we'll be separated for so long; I fear the longer it goes on, the more things might go wrong.
I keep feeling like I owe Jingzhu so much and want to do something for her. One evening, I was having dinner with some of Lao Meng's friends. I learned that Lao Meng's company was going to produce a period drama with a huge investment, and he wanted to get a role for Jingzhu. Lao Meng asked Lao Li (the director of the drama), "Do you see if you have a suitable role for Jingzhu? Give Director Yang some face; he's helped us a lot." I knew this bastard was passing the buck to Lao Li. Old Li said slowly, "Director Yang, it's like this, this production is invested in by several companies, including CCTV's drama center. The female lead has already signed a contract, and besides, we can't decide on the female lead ourselves. Jingzhu's image and age are a bit different from the female lead, so it's really difficult. It's not that I'm not giving you face, but how about I look at other roles?"
"Director Li, you misunderstand. I don't want the female lead; a supporting role with more screen time is fine too."
The next day, Old Li called and said, "Director Yang, it's settled. She has quite a lot of screen time, but her appearance is a bit late." "Thank you, Old Li. Here's what you do: call WL now, and don't mention me." Old Li smiled and said, "Understood, don't worry." A little while later, Old Li called again: "Director Yang, she agreed, and she's quite happy." My heart was a little relieved.
I watched a bit of this show when it aired, and when I saw Liu Bang reciting Bai Juyi's lines "From the highest heavens to the deepest hells," Empress Lü drinking Qing Dynasty Biluochun tea, and Han Xin riding a Ferghana horse that only existed during the reign of Emperor Wu of Han, I was utterly speechless. I really regretted choosing such a terrible show for Jingzhu. These bastards lack even the most basic historical knowledge, yet they dare to make historical dramas and broadcast them on CCTV, not to mention the screenwriters' skill in ruining the ancients. Jingzhu's performance was still mediocre, but there was still a distance between her and the character. She lacked experience in playing scheming and ruthless people, and it seems that breaking through her own limitations won't be easy.
I counted down the days until WL's return, writing on the calendar every night before bed: "Jingzhu, the day I see you is one day closer." During these agonizing days, I missed her every moment, wanted to call her every moment, but was afraid of disturbing her. This contradictory feeling tormented me to the point of wishing I were dead; truly, "a day feels like three autumns, half a month feels like a thousand years." She never called me, and I understood. From beginning to end, she was passive and the one who was hurt.
Finally, one noon, a friend told me she was back. I immediately took leave and went straight to her house. I knocked on the door, and a voice came from inside: "Who is it? Is there something you need?" The voice was like heavenly music, lingering in my ears. The door opened, and there she was, the one I had been longing for, standing before me, her expression calm, a slight smile on her face. I closed the door, staring at her silently for a full twenty seconds, without saying a word, feeling my eyes welling up with tears.
"Jingzhu, you're finally back. If you hadn't come back, I wouldn't have been able to resist going to you. I really couldn't take it anymore." I could no longer control the complex emotions welling up inside me, and I hugged her tightly, tears streaming down her face. She didn't say a word, nor did she move. I kissed her frantically, tearing at her clothes.
"Ouch, my back, my back, you broke my back!" she cried out. I stopped and said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Afterwards, I was so exhausted I felt like I had only one breath left, lying motionless on the bed like a dead pig.
"I've been thinking about us these past few days. If you were a little older and less conventionally attractive, I might be more accepting of you. You look a bit childish and a bit handsome, which isn't a flaw, but it's not really suitable for me. It easily evokes the term 'pretty boy.' I think my parents will have a hard time accepting you," Jingzhu said worriedly. "How about this, we'll go to your house this afternoon to meet your parents. It's a matter of respect for the elders." Thinking about what I had done, I wanted to laugh. I guess I'd reached the pinnacle of shamelessness. "Okay," she replied somewhat reluctantly.
After dinner, we bought some things and went to her house. On the way, Jingzhu suddenly said, "You should change your clothes; you look like a young man." "No need, I'll be dressed as I am. There's no need to dress up." I prefer casual brands like Nautica and Mark Fairwhale; I'm a bit thin and look younger than my actual age. I said to Jingzhu, "When we get to your house, try not to talk, okay?" She nodded in agreement. Actually, I was afraid she would cry. She'd suffered so much, and she was so dependent on her parents; it would be strange if she didn't cry when she saw them. But in the end, I couldn't hold back, so it was all for nothing.
Along the way, Jingzhu told me about her family in detail: her parents were both officers in the General Logistics Department, reaching the rank of division commander, upright and serious. Her mother was a civilian employee, generous and kind. She had a younger sister and a younger brother, both a few years older than me. Her sister worked at the Beijing Municipal Development and Reform Commission, and her brother was a deputy regimental commander in the Logistics Department of the Beijing Military Region. Her son had been mainly raised by his parents after her divorce, and they were somewhat estranged from her. The car quickly arrived at her house, a three-story building, somewhat dilapidated, but it added a touch of solemnity. Entering, I saw her son and sister playing. The son wasn't as enthusiastic as I'd expected; he simply called out, "Mom, you're back!" Her sister wasn't as pretty as Jingzhu, but she was more fashionable and quite beautiful, though a little arrogant. Jingzhu introduced them: "This is my son, and this is my sister, Jinglan."
I gave her son a toy, and the child politely said, "Thank you, Uncle." "Hey! Hello, Jinglan," I greeted her sister.
"Hello, please come in. Mom, my sister's here!" Her sister had been looking at me with a puzzled expression since I entered, but didn't ask any questions, showing good manners.
"Sister. I heard you just filmed a Qiong Yao drama, what role did you play?"
"Let's talk about it later!"
Entering the living room, her parents were there. Her father looked like a professional soldier, sitting upright, not tall, but exuding an air of authority. My mother's face was kind, a smile on her lips. "Uncle, Aunt, how are you? How are you feeling?" The old woman replied, "Please sit down, child. Have you eaten?" A pang of sadness welled up inside me, thinking about all the things I had done for that woman's daughter. "Jingzhu, introduce us to our guests," the old woman said to Jingzhu. From the moment I entered, the two elderly people had looked puzzled. After I sat down, I knew the real test had begun. I felt like I was going to my execution, and I subconsciously took a few deep breaths.
Jingzhu looked at me, and I slowly said, "It's like this, Jingzhu and I are getting married, and we wanted to visit you both before the wedding to hear your opinions. We should have visited you earlier, but we haven't known each other for very long, and we only recently started talking about marriage. However, before that, we must see you both; no matter how old Jingzhu is, she's still your child." During this process, I saw their mouths slowly open into an "O" shape, exchanging bewildered glances as if they had seen an alien. All three of them looked at WL, who seemed about to cry. I glanced at her and then held back my tears.
"How old are you? Where do you work?" her father asked sternly.
"Oh, I'm thirty-five. I work at GDP. I look young, but I'm not much younger than Jingzhu," I replied somewhat guiltily.
"You don't look that age. Jingzhu is much older than you. I don't think you two are a good match. Young people should be careful; marriage is not a game."
I remembered a line from the TV series "My Own Swordsman" where Lao Bai said to Xiangyu's father: "I love marrying widows, especially those surnamed Tong." I wanted to tease her father: "I love marrying older women, preferably with a child." Looking at her father's serious gaze, I didn't dare say it, afraid he would hit me.
"I'm taking the child to school. You two talk." Her father got up and left. Her mother said to Jingzhu, "Jingzhu, come here for a moment." Then she took her upstairs. Only her sister and I were left in the living room. The atmosphere suddenly became heavy.
"Wow, my sister's amazing! She even has a relationship with a younger man, and he's pretty handsome too. My sister lives a much more carefree life than me." Her younger sister joked as she looked
her over, clearly not with any malice. "It's a bit disrespectful to talk about your sister like that. Even if I'm a few years younger than you, you'll still call me brother-in-law in the future." Seeing her make a joke, I felt much more relaxed.
"Alright, brother-in-law, have a seat. I'm going to work." I got up to leave, then turned back and whispered, "I hope you become my brother-in-law; that would be so much fun!"
All afternoon, the mother and daughter didn't come downstairs, and I had a bad feeling.
Around five o'clock, her father, son, sister, and sister's daughter all returned. Her sister was clearly a hard-working woman. Jingzhu and her mother came downstairs. Her eyes were red and a little swollen; she looked like she had cried a lot, and my heart sank. "Auntie, let me cook for you. I often cook at home," I said, standing up and trying my best to be attentive, feeling embarrassed by my own eagerness. "No way, you're a guest." "
Xiaozheng, this is your uncle, greet him quickly," her sister joked to her daughter. "This child, how old is she, still joking around like that, so unserious. Xiaoyang, don't mind her, that's just her personality," her mother said with a smile.
"It's alright, it's alright," I said. Jingzhu said to me, "Let's go back, I have something to tell you." When saying goodbye to her family, her sister joked, "Brother-in-law, come again soon."
"Jingzhu, how long has it been since the children saw you? How can you just leave like that? Besides, Xiao Yang is a guest; he should at least have a meal before leaving." Her father didn't say much, but I could tell he was the pillar of the family.
The meal was utterly tasteless. After the meal, the two elders went upstairs; I knew they were discussing Jingzhu and me. I pulled her into the room: "I'm telling you, don't cry, don't cry. You're over forty, how can you be so useless? What's the situation?"
"My mother strongly disagrees, saying you're too young and that things won't last. They've already chosen someone for me—a bureau chief from the Commission of Science, Technology and Industry for National Defense, about my age, the son of my father's comrade-in-arms, whom I also know. His wife is abroad, and they don't have children."
"Fine, go tell your parents we're already living together, you're pregnant, and we secretly got our marriage certificate," I was heartbroken and delirious.
"You...you're shameless! I still have some shame! This is too much! You want to drive my parents to their deaths? How could I say such things?"
"Fine, fine, if you won't go, I will." I rushed towards the door.
"Zi Dong, I beg you, please, don't go, don't go! Don't make me unable to come home! Please think of me!" Jing Zhu hugged me tightly, tears streaming down her face.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jing Zhu, I won't go, I won't go, I just can't bear it." Looking at her, my heart felt like it was breaking into pieces. I can wrong anyone in this world, but I can't wrong her. I hugged her, tears flowing like a spring.
"Sister, Mom and Dad asked your husband to come over." Her sister said from outside the door. I quickly wiped away my tears, opened the door, and saw that we both had tear stains on our faces. Her sister didn't dare to joke anymore.
Upstairs, both elderly people were there. "Sit down, Zi Dong," her mother stood up and greeted us. After sitting down, the old woman sighed deeply. "Normally, we shouldn't interfere when our children are grown up, but your situation is rather special. Jingzhu is the eldest, yet she's the one we worry about the most. She's divorced, has a child, and is much older than you. You're a good child, but you're so different from her in every way. We don't doubt your love for her at all, but this love is too extreme, too abnormal. Our family is a very traditional one, and we don't want anyone to gossip about anything. The two of you standing together look like you're from two different generations. If you call yourselves a couple, no one who doesn't know you would believe it, and we don't want to face that awkwardness. We're all getting old, and after we pass away, our biggest worry is Lili. We must be responsible for her happiness. What she needs isn't fleeting passion, but lasting warmth. She's still pretty now, but what about ten or twenty years from now? What will a woman in her fifties or sixties look like? You can imagine. We've seen too much, and we've seen situations like yours before. Nothing lasts. Child, listen to your mother, remarry your ex-wife, have a child soon, and time will heal everything." The old woman spoke while tears streamed down her face.
My heart ached unbearably. I covered my face with my hands, tears streaming through my fingers. The old woman slowly walked up to me and gently pulled my head into her arms. Between sobs, she said, "Good child, my good child, it's all my fault. Blame me, I didn't want to see your tragedy. From now on, consider this place your home, and Lily your sister. Keep her as a memento." "Auntie, please don't say that. I promise you, I promise you anything." Thinking about the future, I felt like I was seeing hell—dark, cold, and desolate. I would be a lost soul here, wandering aimlessly. There would be no more sunshine, no more warmth.
Jingzhu stayed at her parents' house. The old woman, worried about me, had the driver take me home.
I lay at home all day, without eating anything. At six o'clock, Jingzhu texted: "Zidong, come over, I'm at home." I jumped out of bed, full of energy, without a trace of hunger, and sped towards her house.
The door opened, and Jingzhu stood quietly in the living room, her face lightly powdered, radiant as a painting. Her eyes were still a little swollen; it felt like a year had passed since I last saw her. Her cherry lips parted slightly: "Zidong, I have something I want to tell you. I've thought about everything that's happened these past few days, and I think my mother's words make sense. These past few days, I've been led around by you, doing whatever you wanted. I was so foolish. I don't hate you at all now, nor do I love you much. Perhaps women my age can no longer fall in love with others. I just have an inexplicable, inexplicable closeness to you. After all, you're the only one I've had physical intimacy with in all these years, even though I find it hard to accept. What I want to say is, don't come looking for me after tonight." My last shred of hope vanished; the sky had finally fallen.
I approached her and embraced her. My tears had long since dried, and Jingzhu offered no resistance.
"Zidong, tonight, I'm yours. Do whatever you want," she whispered in my ear. Thinking of the endless years to come, I felt no impulse whatsoever. I just wanted to hold her tightly, never letting go for the rest of my life.
When I woke up, I found myself still holding her, my hands and arms stiff and numb from exhaustion. I had actually slept like that all night. I was so hungry I couldn't stand it anymore, so I got up and ate something.
While eating, Jingzhu said, "You slept so soundly last night, you drooled all over me, and you held me so tightly, I had to pee so badly." She tried to make me laugh, and I almost cried instead of laughing.
Suddenly, I felt like I had something to do. I said to her, "Jingzhu, can you promise me something?"
"What is it?"
"Sell me the house, but leave all your things here. It holds my most precious memories. I feel like I can see your smile and smell your scent here. It'll be something to hold onto."
"Okay, I promise," she said after thinking for a moment.
After returning home, I withdrew all my money, plus the 500,000 yuan she had left with me, for a total of 2.8 million yuan. Jingzhu's house was large and located within the Third Ring Road; based on current property prices, it should be worth around 2 million yuan. I arranged to meet her at a teahouse and handed her the bankbook.
"The password is your birthday."
"That's too much. My house isn't worth that much."
"Jingzhu, please listen to me! Here's your 500,000 yuan. Consider the extra money a gift. I've never bought you anything. Buy something you like, just like I bought it for you. That way, my heart will feel better. Promise me, this is my last request."
"Okay." She sighed, her eyes glistening.
I moved into her house,
seemingly forgetting I was still living in reality. After paying her rent, I only had a few hundred yuan left. One day, my mother called to say our house was being demolished, and I needed an additional 200,000 yuan to buy a new house. I had no choice but to ask Jingzhu for a loan of 200,000 yuan.
She rushed over and hugged me tightly as soon as we met. "Zidong, you're so silly, so silly, such a foolish child. I don't deserve this. Do you want me to feel guilty for the rest of my life?" She cried uncontrollably, and my already broken heart shattered. Before leaving, she gave me one million yuan.
One day before the Spring Festival, she sent me a text message: I'm getting married tomorrow at the Liangmahe Building.
That day, Beijing was blanketed in snow. I drove aimlessly like a zombie, unknowingly heading towards the Liangmahe Building. As I neared the building, the traffic was terrible, so I parked and walked. The swirling snow turned me into a snowman. I seemed to see WL walking towards me in a wedding dress, as pure as Audrey Hepburn, as beautiful as Greta Garbo, as elegant as Ingrid Bowman. Whether it was tears or the snow, my vision blurred. Dear friend, if on January 28th, 2006, you saw a thin, forlorn young person wandering in the snow along the Liangmahe River, that was me.
A cold wind blew all night, dew condensed on the grass;
Heaven and earth were silent, spring came, spring came ;
a drop of dew, a lifetime's worth of water, where can one find its fragrant trace?
Body and heart drifted, drifted and drifted;
night after night, longing for dawn, yet fearing the rising sun
; a thousand-year reunion, a turn and parting;
the rolling red dust, coming and going, only the sun and moon shine
; love is pain, hate is pain;
acquaintance in the distance, longing at dawn; fragrant
grass stretches to the sky, dust finally settles;
endless years pile up dust, made of daughter's water;
coming crystal clear, going crystal clear;
drunk, dream awakened; awakened, dream shattered;
dawn has broken, person gone, tears dried, wind still;
a drop of morning dew, a drop of morning dew,
a touch of red.

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