My Smu's enlightenment and desire

page views:1 Publication date:2023-04-17

Often, writing in a diary, jotting down bad moods and unfulfilled desires, seems to offer some release.
I remember when I was in school, having unrequited love, I would write in my diary for half an hour or even an hour every day to sort out my feelings. After sorting them out, my heart would always find a stable answer.
Back then, I would also talk to my classmates about my troubled and unhappy feelings, and they would say: "You're not busy enough, or you haven't encountered real troubles, so you're just making trouble for yourself."

Maybe that's it. I remember a poem: "
In youth, one knows not the taste of sorrow, and loves to climb high. Loves to climb high. Forced to write new verses, feigning sorrow.
Now, having tasted the full flavor of sorrow, one wants to speak but remains silent. Wants to speak but remains silent. Yet says only, 'How cool the autumn air is!'

" This week, work hasn't been too busy. When work isn't busy, it's easy to overthink, to dwell on desires.
I don't know where Simu's preferences truly come from, and to be honest, I don't know if my feelings for Simu are just a case of "professing a love for something one is actually afraid of."
But I remember the traces of desires growing.
The initial stage of desire was probably "Oedipus complex," and the most vivid memory of this for me is the pain of being weaned. Perhaps because my mother didn't produce enough milk, I was weaned very young. I remember other children my age being allowed to nurse, but I was no longer permitted. This attachment transformed into a physical attachment to my mother; I loved snuggling into her arms and kissing her arms and legs.
Later, when kissing her arms and legs was no longer allowed, I could only satisfy my desires through fantasies. As a child, I didn't understand what desire was; I just enjoyed imagining scenarios at home, like being forbidden to wear clothes or being controlled and touched by a girl. Sometimes, I would even act out these scenarios for myself, naked, draped in a blanket, and talking to myself.

My first real experience of sexuality or smut likely began in junior high, but in retrospect, it was more like a "same-sex" experience.
In junior high, students were required to live on campus. The beds were large, connected bunk beds. My left bedmate was L, a classmate from elementary school. We were both excellent students in elementary school, but he had fair skin and seemed quite gentle in daily life. My right bedmate was X, a classmate who liked to fight and go to internet cafes and didn't do well in school. When we first entered junior high, we didn't have much of a concept of sex, let alone "homosexuality." But since it was a dormitory-style dormitory, and it was the first time the boys were living together, we loved to play together after lights out.
At first, I played with L. I remember that summer, everyone used mosquito nets, and as we played, we started touching each other's arms through the nets, which felt incredibly comfortable. Gradually, I seemed to find that I enjoyed being touched more. After a while, my experience with L ended without a trace.
My experience with X, however, lasted longer. I only remember touching each other every night. Later, we shared a bed. At first, we only dared to touch other parts of each other's bodies. During our mutual caresses, I increasingly felt a liking for being controlled and touched.
So, we tacitly began role-playing, until the following scenario unfolded: X would slip his hand under my blanket, and I would pretend to resist, trying my best to block X's "intrusion," but in doing so, I would "deliberately" leave "loopholes," relaxing my grip at crucial moments, allowing X to more easily invade other, more private parts of my body. I remember one time, X's hand reached over, and I used both hands to control that arm, but I "neglected" X's other hand; his other hand slid down to my upper body, and I "had no choice" but to release his original hand and "exert all my strength" to control the hand invading my upper body, but I "couldn't" move his hand away from my body. Meanwhile, his original hand "took the opportunity" to invade my leg. At this point, "helpless," I could only fight with my legs against that hand, and in the process, my body became increasingly "submerged," until he successfully controlled my genitals. Under his control, I "could only" let him do as he pleased.
But at that time, I hadn't truly experienced active ejaculation. Although I could get hard, and I had experienced nocturnal emissions, I didn't know that the chaotic and shameful images in my dreams, the inability to hold my urine, and the wet underwear I had when I woke up in the morning were actually what I had ejaculated. I also didn't know that rapid masturbation could also lead to ejaculation. At that time, I couldn't imagine how to have real sex with a girl.
In the second semester of junior high, my grades dropped from fourth to thirteenth in the final exams, and we changed dormitories, from a large dormitory to bunk beds. So, I began my years of studying late into the night and got first place in the whole grade. At the same time, my classmate X started going to internet cafes and skipping classes more frequently, and his grades dropped to the bottom of the grade. We gradually drifted apart. Later, X was expelled from school for fighting with a classmate. From then on, we never crossed paths again.
I have never told anyone about this story from junior high. Very occasionally, a junior high classmate jokingly asked me, "Do you have a husband?" I replied, "No way, we just call him that for fun."

Around the time I entered junior high, the internet entered my world. Because I lived at school, the only time I could really use the computer was on weekends and holidays when I went home every two weeks. Initially, I found explicit pictures on the internet very stimulating.
But the internet's true sexual awakening for me came through Wikipedia. At that time, there was no "Great Firewall," and Wikipedia allowed free searching of various terms. My interest in "sex" led me to explore and search, and I finally learned about the differences between male and female anatomy and what sex should be like.

Under each Wikipedia entry, more links would extend, and soon, the links led to some entries about sex. The behaviors described in these entries brought me, who was probably still in junior high at the time, a tremendously stimulating experience. Later, I searched for LJ Dayuan and more sex-related websites, and saw pictures of bondage and control, such as men's genitals being bound and pulled by other parts of their bodies, or women's sensitive areas being bound and pulled, all of which felt particularly stimulating.
During the summer between my junior and senior years of high school, I suddenly found what was then called a pornographic film online for the first time. It was the first time I'd ever seen a man and woman engaging in that kind of sexual activity. I can't find that film anymore, but I still remember the Japanese girl in it, with her pigtails and a dark blue swimsuit. The realistic images and actions gave me an immensely stimulating experience. Watching it, I experienced my first masturbation climax. It happened on the evening of June 6, 2007. The next day, still a junior in high school, I was preparing for the
college entrance exam and experiencing the test firsthand. From then on, the internet satisfied my interest in women's bodies and sex. This satisfaction became an important way for me to relieve stress and release emotional pleasure. On the surface, I was a good student, pretending to never watch those kinds of things. But secretly, I bookmarked many websites and downloaded a lot of content. I also discovered that my true object of attraction was still women, and the behavior I enjoyed was that of men and women, or women and women. What I appreciated most was the female body. Therefore, I should still be heterosexual; perhaps if I were a woman, I would be a lesbian.

Perhaps because of my childhood experiences, my so-called "sexual" experiences in junior high school, and my own nature and personality, of all types, I particularly enjoy reading novels and watching movies about being controlled and humiliated. I like to see the protagonist of the story being coerced, forced to expose themselves, forced to wear certain clothes, bound and restrained, forced to have orgasms, and forced to experience humiliation that is extremely different from daily life.
Later, I found the works of "Bu Feiyan". Her works are actually audio clips in which she pretends to talk to you, humiliating you and forcing you to obey her commands. Although it was just listening to her audio and obeying her commands, the obedience to those commands, the fear and desire for the tasks she gave me, still greatly aroused my desire. Under her humiliating commands, I was forced to strip naked, had my "little brother" despised and humiliated by her, was asked to arouse my desire, to masturbate, and then suddenly asked to stop, unable to do anything, only able to endure the torment of the desire to erupt. Finally, in the humiliation of the audio, I lost control and reached orgasm. This experience of being humiliated and controlled, intertwined with the pleasure of losing control, far exceeded the pleasure I felt when watching ordinary works.

Later, I had my first girlfriend. There was no penetration, but it satisfied all my curiosity and desire for the female body. Later still, I had the woman who eventually became my wife. The compatibility of our souls and values was the main reason we were together. Of course, another important factor was her looks and beauty. However, all our compatibility did not include complete compatibility in that aspect of our lives. Now, we're both getting busier with work, and when we lie together, we almost fall asleep the moment our heads hit the pillow. Especially her; after she falls asleep, she often avoids physical contact. Of course, when it actually happens, it's good and pleasurable, but the kind of experience I crave is something I can never get with her.
So, most of the time, I go online to find my favorite kinds of content, especially humiliating or sexually explicit videos or novels.

Then, this October, I started looking for real female submissives, hoping to find that pleasurable experience of being controlled, humiliated, and forced online. At first, the experience of being controlled and humiliated was indeed quite good. But later, I encountered all sorts of shady people, and the interactions were very uncomfortable. I initially thought I just wanted to satisfy my desires through smudging, to experience the willful and "abnormal" pleasure of being humiliated, sexually explicit, and controlled. Later, I realized that I don't enjoy simply being humiliated, nor do I want to go to the trouble of deliberately approaching strangers and trying to cater to their preferences. I realized that smudging is essentially a special kind of intimate relationship that must be based on trust and respect, and must be grounded in honesty and trust between people. I gradually learned about many stories of harm suffered in smut, realizing that the desire for pleasure can come at a price. I learned that smut requires caution and seriousness.
In particular, one dominant repeatedly told me, "I need to protect myself, and I hope I don't do anything that will disgust me and make me regret it..."

Actually, besides the carnal desires of TJ tasks, the process of control and being controlled in smut makes me feel controlled and supervised. I like that kind of life of being supervised and required. I think it would be really good to be controlled and live that kind of life of being scrutinized and judged: on the one hand, feeling the difference in status and gaining a kind of pleasure in being ordered, scrutinized, and judged; on the other hand, being scrutinized and judged willingly is actually a process of motivating oneself to gain growth and progress. Everything can be a truly good unity of spirit and flesh.
Of course, I also know that the smut life I imagine is good, but it is difficult for me to have it. A dominant once told me that there is no dominant in the circle who can accompany me in doing these things...
Moreover, she is married, busy with work, and her life is generally very happy. She cannot give up everything she has to devote herself to smut. Without complete commitment, who would be willing to genuinely engage with me, to control me?

As for my wife, she doesn't fully accept my mindset regarding this "sigma" (or "sex"), she doesn't fully understand my fetishes. She even once called it perverted. However, following S's advice, we gradually tried to control and be controlled in our sex life. It certainly added a wonderful flavor to our experience. However, she isn't S by nature. Furthermore, we already have stable roles in our relationship, and I find it difficult to feel a difference in status or the tension of being scrutinized and judged by her. Moreover, she doesn't humiliate or tamper with me. More importantly, our sex life is far too infrequent now.

Therefore, this "sigma" world often serves as a refuge. It's like a hidden, detached confessional space. Here, I can express all my true self. Whether it's lofty values and ideals, the fulfillment and complaints of a busy life, or unspoken physical desires, everything can be vented and expressed here. I imagine an S or D scrutinizing everything about me, silently controlling me, while also providing a sense of warmth and solace… At the same time, all the exposed aspects of myself serve as self-monitoring, instilling fear and preventing me from truly falling into depravity.
But sometimes, on depressing mornings or evenings, a longing arises—a desire for adventure, a desire to expose myself to the world, to reveal another side of myself, a desire to find someone I can trust to act as my controller, to manage everything about me, to scrutinize everything, to punish or disqualify me. Or perhaps, I don't ask for much; just having someone scrutinize me, pay attention to me, and demand things of me would be enough.

Of the eight sufferings of life, unfulfilled desires are one of them. Desires are often difficult to suppress, so here, I write down my desires, facing this "unfulfilled" self with equanimity. May everyone experience less suffering and more happiness.

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My Smu's enlightenment and desire

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