[An embarrassing experience]

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Our sex life had fallen into a strange cycle. The times we were most aroused were also the times we needed each other most. We continued to participate in ***'s sex games. I tried not to see my wife having sex with other men during those moments, but I couldn't. That temptation was like Pandora's box, immersing me, causing me pain, making me both yearn and uneasy.

Then, I discovered her dating other men. I didn't want to ask her, just guessing that it was just that kind of scene. Jealousy, shame, male pride, temptation, excitement, debauchery, baseness—all these words flooded my mind. I was in extreme pain, caught in a dilemma, feeling extremely uneasy and anxious. I was afraid I would go crazy…
Chen Hua finally finished recounting this unforgettable experience and feeling in one breath, letting out a long sigh.

He said that this kind of inner turmoil was impossible to share with friends, because games have rules, and he was adrift between the game and reality. He also couldn't share it with his wife, because it was all his own choice.

Chen Hua's eyes flickered with a complex light, just like his complex inner world. The clock on the table ticked away, tracing the passage of time through our hearts. Time seemed to have frozen; I knew it was waiting for my answer.

I said, "Perhaps people overestimate their psychological resilience. Many times, we think we can break through tradition, break through moral constraints, but when people take that step, they find that the original traditions and morals are still deeply imprisoned within us. As Jung said, it has formed a collective unconscious. This consciousness may have existed since birth, but this subconsciousness gradually hides deep within the iceberg in the struggle of consciousness. Like a child being afraid of the dark after birth, like a child being afraid of snakes. When we gradually grow up and are no longer afraid, it is a process of adjustment in consciousness, growth through experience. When our behavior exceeds our former norms, insomnia becomes a physiological manifestation, and this subconsciousness will surface from the depths of the mind, and the fear of the dark will return. Just like now, you have broken through more than 30 years of behavioral norms, and the subconscious deep within the iceberg will fight against consciousness, and contradictions and unease will arise."

Chen Hua nodded and said, "I understand what you mean." In other words, deep down I'm still a traditional person, and I don't fully accept this game, right?

My answer is definitely: basically yes. It's not just a matter of tradition and morality; it's also about your most primal possessive desire for your lover, and the conflict with your most primal desires. It's like a child who gets a piece of candy in exchange for her doll.

You desperately want the candy because it's tempting. At that moment, you might not even think about it and just put the candy in your mouth. When you're very happy, this person says, "I have something even better to trade with you." Then you're conflicted: do I want the delicious candy, or do I want to give them what's most important to me? If you keep hesitating, you can't appreciate the taste of the candy, and you're filled with longing. Only when you make the decision to trade your most important thing for it will you realize that it's more important to you. And while the taste of the candy is still wonderful, there are more feelings and emotions involved.

In other words, your lover is private in your heart, the most important person. Traditionally speaking, you can't break through this barrier; she is your woman. Sex games are tempting to you, but when faced with the conflict between what's most important to you and your primal desires, what's most important triumphs over your desires. In other words, your pure, possessive love for your wife outweighs the temptation, you could even say love outweighs your desires. Even though you feel disgust towards her, deep down you still love her.

Chen Hua said: Yes.

I continued: Your complexity and contradictions need careful analysis and categorization to find the source of your emotions. You'll find that ultimately it's just this problem: You can accept the existence of sex games, you can accept other men's wives participating in sex games. But you haven't accepted your own participation in sex games, and you certainly can't accept your wife's participation.

Chen Hua said: Hmm, but I still crave to see my wife with other men! So I'm in a dilemma.

I said: Rather than you craving to see it, in my opinion, you're more trying to accept this reality. And the temptation itself has lost its appeal, hasn't it? If you despair time and time again, you'll keep trying. Is it really just a matter of desire or temptation?

Chen Hua said: I understand what you mean. But my wife and I can't go back to what we were before.

I said, "You've been through so much together; your relationship isn't so easily broken. You need to communicate with her, express your feelings, even your thoughts. Only then can she face the storms you'll face together. Even if she's dating other people, does that necessarily mean anything about them? Communication is essential to understanding each other's thoughts." "

That's true, I'm just guessing. I'll try to do that, but what about our sex life? Now, every time we're together, it's like we're fighting like enemies."

I laughed: "Actually, that's part of the fun in a couple's sex life. Many couples even do role-playing. Like nurse and doctor, tying each other's hands and feet. If this makes you happier, then it doesn't matter how you start, just don't go overboard.

" Chen Hua seemed to suddenly understand: "Right. Some people even curse at each other during sex."

Chen Hua finally smiled.

When Chen Hua left my office, the wind outside seemed to have calmed down considerably. He said he would contact me again. The night in Shanghai is unusually quiet tonight. As I sit in my car, I see the round, bright moon moving between the tall buildings and think to myself, tomorrow will surely be a good day.

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[An embarrassing experience]

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