Broken hymen

The
autumn of my senior year of college, I finally broke up with my girlfriend of three years. I felt I still loved her very much, but she was preparing to go abroad with a graduate student to find happiness on the other side of the ocean.

It was a beautiful golden autumn, and amidst the falling yellow leaves, I was alone, silently grieving.

Later, that autumn, I met Xiaojun, Xiaoqiang, and Xiaogang. Together, we formed this "Hymen Destruction Group." All three of them had already left school. Xiaoqiang and Xiaogang had been working for several years, long since heading to the front lines of labor. Xiaojun had graduated from vocational school and had unknowingly spent many years in the underworld.

When I met them, I was still struggling with the innocent pain of heartbreak, drowning my sorrows in a dimly lit bar with the last few yuan I had.

The three of them, like me, had just been dumped by their girlfriends or had just dumped them, and were all in a bad mood.

So, after filling our bellies with alcohol, we met in a daze.

Forming this "Hymen Destruction Group" initially started as a joke. Driven by the deep sorrow of heartbreak, we vowed to rape virgins, using their precious blood to commemorate our lost pure love.

This joke eventually became a reality. Xiao Gang and his friends meticulously organized our weekend activities.

Everyone was dedicated, taking it upon themselves to break hymens, resolutely destroying one after another.

At that time, I was still a virgin. My sexual experience was limited to passionate kisses with my girlfriend.

However, after meeting these three, my progress in sexual matters was phenomenal. Xiao

Qiang and Xiao Jun were both skilled at picking up girls. Compared to them, Xiao Gang was an even greater master. He could always pick up the most desirable girls in the shortest time and at the most crucial moment. For Xiao Gang, taking a beautiful woman's underwear amidst the chaos was like taking candy from a baby. I was also quite handsome

, not quite as good as Andy Lau, but at least on par with Chow Yun-fat. So, girls were always willing to approach me. In addition, I humbly learned from Xiaogang and the others, and soon forgot about my college girlfriend with her freckled face.

Every dark and windy weekend was the time for our hymen-breaking group to act.

Actually, we didn't rape or gang rape. We just earnestly sought out and introduced girls to each other, then tried every means to verify that they were virgins, and finally slept with them.

Each time, we used the blood of virgins to soak toilet paper red. Then we used it to make little paper flowers.

We had been making these little paper flowers since kindergarten. It's just that the paper flowers of childhood were as pure as a child's innocent smile, while the paper flowers of now proclaimed the degeneration of virginity.

The first little paper flower I made was stained with the blood of a beautiful elementary school teacher. She was a very beautiful girl, who had just graduated from teachers' college and was assigned to teach Chinese at an elementary school.

Xiaogang introduced her to me and whispered to me, "This girl is pure. I haven't touched her yet, I guarantee she's a virgin."

We slept in her dormitory a couple of days after we met. That was my first time, and hers too. When I entered her, she groaned, her brows furrowed. I felt incredibly lewd; I couldn't imagine how she could stand in the classroom, so dignified, lecturing her students.

Afterwards, I calmly used toilet paper I'd prepared to dab her blood. She didn't even ask why; she just blushed and looked at me.

Not long after making my first paper flower, I dumped her. This female teacher was beautiful, but I didn't love her. I was just making my paper flower; I didn't want to be with her forever.

She was the first, but not the last. After her, with my ever-accumulating experience, I pursued one virgin after another, breaking one hymen after another.

Being with Xiao Jun, Xiao Gang, and Xiao Qiang, I certainly learned bad habits. We never took responsibility for our actions, nor did we ever regret anything. We just devoutly used girls' blood to make paper flowers, as if making these paper flowers was something nobler and more glorious than sex or ideals.

This world is ridiculous. When I was a virgin, all I heard were unsettling stories about how there were fewer and fewer virgins in the world. But after becoming a member of the "Hymen Destruction Group," I discovered that there are still plenty of virgins in the world—so many that our group was exhausted and completely wiped out.

Ironically, every virgin loves to talk about sex and sexual ethics. Although they lack sexual experience, they have their own unique insights into these matters. And it seems every virgin is sexually frustrated, always willing to sleep with a man, thus bidding farewell to the traditional era of chastity and purity.

I find this strange. The sacredness of chastity described in books has become worthless in reality.

Is this a betrayal of human ethics or a development of morality?

I asked Xiaogang, "What is purity?"

His answer was, "More sex, less dreaming."

The principle is clear; what more can be said?

Xiaogang has already made fourteen paper flowers. Every time he shows us his achievements, his smile is pure.

Xiaoqiang has also made ten paper flowers. His work is quite busy, so his time and energy are limited. Xiao Jun has made the fewest, only three so far. Aside from the few college girls I introduced him to, he's always disappointed after sleeping with the others. Why can't he ever find a virgin? Xiao Gang analyzed that Xiao Jun spends all his time with prostitutes, and the girls he knows aren't any good; he's long lost the ability to distinguish virgins.

Over the course of winter, I actually made five paper flowers. Each one was bright red, stained with fresh blood.

In fact, I've slept with seven girls, but two of them weren't virgins. I was blind to have met them.

I spent the most time and effort developing relationships with them, but in the end, they were the ones who got satisfaction.

Winter passed, spring came. Day after day, I dealt with my studies and devoutly made these chastity paper flowers. I felt I was starting to possess a postmodern, sublime quality. Unmoved by external gains or losses, indifferent to everything, even the genuine tears of girls.

Recalling the sadness of being dumped by my girlfriend, all I could manage to utter through gritted teeth was the word "idiot."

I thought I wouldn't be as foolish as before; my past naiveté and ignorance, along with those hymens, had long been destroyed by me.

All that remained was a sexually potent shell and a professional womanizer's mentality. My soul was purely dead. I thought I would live like this, half-dead, until I grew old and died.

But life always changes. Miracles happen every day.

In the final spring of my senior year, I miraculously fell in love with the sixth virgin I had taken.

This girl was a high school senior. She wasn't particularly beautiful, but she was very pure, always delicate and reserved, with an innocent and timid smile. You could tell at a glance she was a student, and a virgin at that.

I met her at the city library. Because I was preparing my university graduation thesis, I was sitting opposite her in the reading room, studying diligently. When we both looked up, I smiled at her, and that's how we met.

Her name was Xiao Ting. I preferred to call her Xiao Ting.

It was clear that she was a good student and a very idealistic girl at school. When I met her, she had a copy of "The Gadfly" in her schoolbag.

She stroked the cover of "The Gadfly" and told me very seriously, "This book describes the strength of the soul and the indomitable ideals."

Xiaoting was still very innocent and full of hope for the future.

And me, besides making paper flowers, I have almost no strong soul or unyielding ideals.

So I'm not a gadfly, I'm a rogue. The next night, I slept with Xiaoting.

I had also taken the college entrance exam and had ideals. Therefore, I clearly understood what a pure high school senior like Xiaoting wanted to hear and what she loved to hear.

That night, I invited her to a small room I rented off-campus.

The moon was round, and a cat in heat was meowing loudly outside the window.

I told her about my experiences with the college entrance exam, about perseverance and patience, about "How the Steel Was Tempered," and about existentialist philosophy. When I felt a hint of admiration and worship in her eyes, I seized the opportunity.

I wasn't a novice. I started by touching her with my fingers, making her lose control. Finally, when I entered her body, she hugged me tightly and let out a scream. That piercing scream echoed in the quiet night sky for a long time.

That night, I was very excited. Xiaoting's blood stained a large sheet of toilet paper. I decided to use it to make a big flower.

Xiaoting nestled in my arms, gently stroking my arm. Her eyes still seemed pure, like the lakes of Jiuzhaigou, tranquil and serene.

But I knew she was no longer a virgin; I had defiled her.

So, I held her close, enthusiastically telling her about our hymen-breaking group, about the little paper flowers we made, our slogans, and my own paper flowers.

Xiaoting listened without a word, her face pale. Because she suddenly realized she had been played.

I will always remember that moment. Xiaoting angrily got up and dressed. Her movements were beautiful, graceful, like a dance.

It seemed her lower body was still in pain; after dressing, she clutched her lower abdomen and stood bent over for a while. I saw her shoulders trembling. She must have been crying.

Before leaving, Xiaoting gritted her teeth and said to me, "You ruined me, you're a beast!" Her expression under the light was like that of a wild animal, her eyes radiating hatred and anger, yet her face was covered in tears.

She loved me. The moment she cried, I understood.

So, I laughed out loud. With that laughter, she left, disappearing into the vast night without looking back.

That night, using the paper Xiaoting had dyed red, I carefully crafted the most exquisite paper flower. It was the best paper flower I had ever made—beautiful, even, almost perfect.

After finishing, tears streamed down my face. Not regret, not sorrow. Just the urge to cry, an inexplicable urge to cry. Crying needs no reason.

Xiaoting's tears proved she liked me. My tears made me think I had fallen for Xiaoting too.

A few days later, I went to find Xiaoting. This was the first time I had gone back to the virgin I had destroyed. At the gate of her middle school, I saw her, her expression somber, carrying her schoolbag alone, walking out of the school with her head down. Her two long, beautiful legs, encased in sweatpants, looked exceptionally alluring.

She cried as soon as she saw me.

I said to her, "I ruined you, so I must take responsibility for you for the rest of my life."

Xiaoting must have been deeply moved. Her tears soaked my clothes.

That night, she didn't go home but came back to my little room with me. We entwined on the bed like snakes.

Xiaoting said, "You're so good to me." Her words puzzled me. I only made love to her to satisfy my pent-up desires. I didn't intend to be that good to her. I didn't even take her words from that afternoon about taking responsibility for her for life seriously. So why did she think I was good to her?

Maybe I liked Xiaoting because she had a personality, which I didn't; or maybe I liked Xiaoting because she had ideals, which I had long since lost. This kind of liking is like liking a rich person because you're poor—I thought it was despicable.

But Xiaoting didn't think that way. She was willing to use her meager allowance to buy me delicious sweet rice cakes and to spend as much time as possible with me after school every day. She said she liked looking at me, saying that I was sometimes mischievous, like Yang Guo.

She wished she were Xiaolongnu, so that we could have a love that lasted forever.

I didn't want to quit the hymen-breaking group yet. But having Xiaoting around was always inconvenient. Fortunately, I was busy with graduation matters at that time, so there were no awkward situations.

Writing my university thesis was as easy as taking a dump; I produced a huge pile in one go. After finishing my thesis, I graduated honorably in June.

A relative was enthusiastically helping me find a job, while I was left with nothing.

Then Xiao Gang came to me, telling me he'd found three avant-garde girls, guaranteed virgins. He invited Xiao Jun, and the three of us were to put on a three-way show in my rented room. Of course, we weren't driving a horse-drawn carriage, but rather a wheelbarrow.

These three girls were indeed avant-garde and rebellious. They were eager to bid farewell to their virginity on this even-numbered month, even-numbered week.

So, on my small bed, the three wheelbarrows raced across the sexual field. They

were indeed all virgins. The three bright red stains of blood made me incredibly excited. The girl beneath me, besides having full breasts, also had exceptionally alluring moans.

Xiao Jun's roughness made the girl beneath him somewhat overwhelmed. While busy with his own things, Xiao Gang lectured Xiao Jun, "Slow down, watch the rhythm," as if he were dancing a ballroom dance.

Just as the six of us were reaching our climax, the door was pushed open, and Xiao Ting walked in. She was carrying my favorite sweet rice cakes.

Seeing the six of us naked, in those exciting positions, she was stunned by what she saw. If she was still pure at heart before, seeing this, her soul was defiled.

Everyone looked at me, waiting for me to find a solution in this awkward atmosphere. I could only blame Xiao Jun, "You didn't even lock the door when you came in."

Xiao Jun scratched his head and chuckled. On days when he wasn't fighting for the underworld, his smile was quite cute.

Xiao Ting clenched her fists and questioned me, "You said you would take responsibility for me for life, you..." She didn't know what to say.

At that moment, my hand was still on one of my breasts. I touched her breast and told Xiaoting in a student-like tone, "You have no right to interfere in my private life. I don't love you anymore, so get lost."

Hearing this, Xiaoting's tears streamed down her face.

I politely added, "Remember to lock the door when you leave." Then I continued making love to her.

I don't remember how Xiaoting ran out crying. When I said goodbye to the three girls, they didn't mention it. They had just lost their virginity, and I think they must have felt some regret.

As I left, Xiaojun said to me, "You're so inhuman." His tone was full of admiration. To be admired by a gangster made me feel very proud.

I also knew that Xiaoting wouldn't come back to me; it was over between us. Fortunately, I used the virginity blood of another girl today to make a small paper flower. There were seven now. Seven fairies, their most important membrane gone with my destruction. It was a kind of achievement, I suppose. But even

with that sense of accomplishment, I still felt empty.

This emptiness, like the vast night sky, devours my soul. Today I hurt Xiaoting, destroying her spirit once again by defiling her body. There's only a month left until her college entrance exam. I hope she can get into a good university, so perhaps she won't resent me for the rest of her life.

My wish is kind. At this moment, I thought I was a good person; I deceived myself, thus gaining peace of mind.

But later, I heard from Xiaoting's classmates that she failed her college entrance exam.

That day was about a month after Xiaoting's college entrance exam. I couldn't help but wonder which city she got into, so I unconsciously walked to the list of successful candidates from her school.

It was a late afternoon, the sun setting, and the air in Xiaoting's middle school was filled with the fragrance of osmanthus blossoms. I had smelled this scent on Xiaoting before, so it felt particularly familiar.

A girl in front of the list told me that Xiaoting had failed her college entrance exam. This was a girl with long braids and beautiful black eyes. She then told me meaningfully that Xiaoting had collapsed before the exam. Her spirit seemed to have suffered a severe blow before the exam. After not doing well in the first few subjects, she didn't take the last two exams. She gave up.

This girl with long braids also told me that Xiaoting was originally among the top three in her class, and the teachers had high hopes for her, thinking she should have gotten into a prestigious university… Listening to these words, I suddenly remembered what Xiaoting had once said to me: "You ruined me, you're a beast."

I didn't think I had done anything wrong; I just felt ashamed.

Driven by feelings of inferiority, I tried desperately to please the girl with the long braid. I kept making her laugh, and eventually we made love in my rented room.

She wasn't a virgin; she said she and her boyfriend had tried it in their second year of high school.

I didn't care if she was a virgin or not. The most important thing was that she was Xiaoting's classmate. So I fucked her hard, making her scream with pleasure. I searched for the essence and sin of the soul in those screams.

I kept in touch with this girl with the long braid. Through her, I knew where Xiaoting was and what she was doing. The girl

with the long braid got into the same university I had just graduated from. As soon as school started, she cut her braids into short hair less than a finger's length, making her look indescribably ugly.

She told me, with her short hair swaying and a crooked nose and slanted eyes, that Xiaoting was studying at a very ordinary tutoring school.

I didn't have the courage to go to Xiaoting's place because I felt I might feel guilty if I saw her. I still liked her.

Whenever I slept with other girls, I would think of her, and the screams she made during her first time having sex.

During this time, I found a job in a government office. Besides sweeping, fetching water, and currying favor with the section chief, I

spent my workdays reading newspapers and books extensively. Naturally, I also participated in the hymen-breaking group activities on weekends. The result of this meaningful participation was that by the time I saw Xiaoting again, I had made a full twenty paper flowers.

Xiaoting's was still the most vibrant and exquisite. Seeing that flower always reminded me of her.

Finally, two months before Xiaoting was preparing for her second college entrance exam, I decided to see her. My intention was to encourage her, so I went to her tutoring school.

She was noticeably heavier than a year ago, and her face was much paler. Every girl in tutoring school looks like that, so I wasn't surprised at all. But my

appearance took Xiaoting by surprise. When she saw me, tears streamed down her face like broken beads.

We stared at each other for a long time. I said, "I wish you good luck on your college entrance exam this year."

She slowly walked over, slapped me hard across the face, and then buried her face in my chest and burst into tears.

That night, we went back to my dorm. I had already asked my workplace for a single dormitory room and was no longer renting that pitiful off-campus shack.

In bed, I showed her through my actions how much I had missed her this past year. She silently cooperated with me.

The small bed in the dorm creaked and groaned happily in the darkness. It was as if this bed was the happiest place for Xiaoting and me to make love.

I felt that Xiaoting and I had made up. So I sincerely showed her the twenty little paper flowers I had made. I said to her, "You are the biggest and most exquisite one among them."

Her face changed instantly, turning completely pale. She was angry. She knew that I was still breaking hymens. She was the sixth, but in one year, I had fourteen more. I had not only failed to improve, but had become even worse.

That night, she left immediately. I don't know if she had enough money for a taxi, but I know that Xiaoting must hate me to the core.

Someone once said that the college entrance exam is like sex; the first time is the most important. This applies to both boys and girls. After the first time, boys become increasingly slick, while girls become increasingly rotten.

Xiaoting failed her first college entrance exam. She failed the second time as well.

However, I didn't provoke her much the second time; she failed on her own.

Of course, I also bear some responsibility. A few days before the exam, Xiaoting discovered she was pregnant.

After failing the exam, Xiaoting came to me. At that time, I was in my dorm reciting poetry with Xiaogang. A bright-eyed girl sat next to me. This girl said that whoever had better writing skills, Xiaogang or me, she would give her virginity to.

Xiaogang recited a poem, "Spring Dawn": "

Spring sleep is unaware of dawn, sexual harassment is everywhere.

The moaning sounds in the middle of the night, the girl becomes a sister-in-law."

I, being highly educated, naturally refused to admit defeat easily. So I gave Xiaogang a couplet; if he could come up with a matching line, I would admit defeat.

My first line was: "Menstrual belt, every month, the more you wear it, the more menstrual belt there is."

This is an absolute masterpiece. Xiaogang, with his belly full of excrement, couldn't come up with a matching line at all. Just as he was about to give up and leave, handing the girl over to me, Xiaoting arrived.

Xiaoting's eyes were a little swollen. She said, "I'm pregnant."

I was speechless. I was healthy, and she had no physiological problems. It was a natural thing.

My indifference angered Xiaoting. She raised her fist and said, "You ruined me. You're a beast!"

I had heard those words before; they sounded familiar and endearing.

She added, "I'll hate you for the rest of my life." As she said this, she seemed to calm down again. Then she turned and left.

She had become somewhat sharp and strong. I think this might be because she had read *The Gadfly*. I had also read *How the Steel Was Tempered*, but I still didn't possess any noble qualities. I admired girls like Xiaoting who could draw strength from books.

After Xiaoting left, I didn't see her for two years.

During those two years, our hymen destruction group's activities gradually decreased. The four of us felt a bit bored. It turns out that everything in life eventually becomes tiresome; nothing is always worth doing. What's the point of living?

In two years, Xiao Jun had risen from a gangster to a minor boss. Xiao Qiang had made his fortune but suffered from impotence. His thirst for money far outweighed his sexual desires; he was incredibly lustful. Only Xiao Gang and I remained the same as before, wasting time in monotony and boredom.

During this time, I read a book that deeply moved me. It was called "Perhaps Pain, Not Necessarily Happiness." The author,

Nai Gang, stated in his preface that he was writing about emotions, but I read in that book a sense of past purity.

I had almost forgotten this noble emotion for a long time, and unexpectedly, a book brought back my former self. I hate recalling the past because it makes one feel even more ashamed.

So, after being moved, I immediately burned "Perhaps Pain, Not Necessarily Happiness." I wanted to turn my past personality, my past nobility, into ashes, like Qiu Shaoyun.

However, there are many things in life that you can't help but remember, and many people that you can never forget.

Xiao Ting is one I can't forget. For two years, her image and her expression have always flashed before my eyes.

I can't forget the first time I saw her. She stroked the cover of "The Gadfly" and earnestly told me, "This book describes the strength of the soul and the unyielding ideals."

I felt that this sentence was her banner, showcasing the noble qualities beneath her pure exterior.

I miss her. I find that missing her makes me love her even more.

If I see her again, I think I will still say to her:

"I ruined you, so I will take responsibility for you for the rest of my life." One day, it was raining heavily, and Xiaojun told me he had seen Xiaoting. Xiaojun's boss owned several nightclubs and dance halls with prostitution services. Xiaojun saw Xiaoting working as a hostess there.

Braving the heavy rain, I immediately rushed into that nightclub. When I saw Xiaoting, I could hardly believe my eyes. She was wearing a short white skirt that revealed the most private parts of a girl, sitting sideways on the lap of a man old enough to be her father. The man's fat, ugly hands were wantonly groping Xiaoting under her already short skirt.

Xiaoting said coquettishly, "Boss Zhao, you're so bad." Then she saw me.

At that moment, I thought Xiaoting would cry. But she didn't. She smiled at me and continued letting the old man grope her.

I cried. I knew I had truly ruined Xiaoting.

I rushed over, took out all the money I had, and threw it in the old lecher's face, telling him I had this girl for the night. Then I dragged Xiaoting out

into the pouring rain, demanding, "Do you still remember 'The Gadfly'?"

She snorted and said she'd forgotten long ago.

The rain soaked our clothes and washed away the thick makeup on Xiaoting's face, finally revealing her pure and charming appearance again.

I took her back to my place. My workplace had allocated me an apartment. The

rain outside continued to fall, like endless tears weeping for the sorrows of humanity over thousands of years.

Xiaoting lit a cigarette and told me about her life over the past two years. After failing her college entrance exam for the second time, she was heartbroken. Add to that, she was pregnant with my child. The pressure she endured, a girl not even twenty, was unimaginable.

She had an abortion, then worked in several places, eventually becoming a prostitute in a bar, naturally going through the process of going from not selling her body to selling it. I said to her, "Remember what I said? I said I ruined you, so I'll be responsible for you for life."

She sneered and said, "I'm not the Xiaoting I used to be. I'm not naive anymore. I'll never believe the nonsense you stinky men spout again."

She got up to leave, but before going out, she turned back and gave me her phone number, telling me to call her if I wanted to hire a prostitute, and she'd charge me half price.

I wanted to win her back, but I couldn't.

She was truly no longer Xiaoting.

Through the window, I saw her standing in the rain downstairs for a while, letting the rain relentlessly drench her body. I thought she must be crying. I felt that if I rushed downstairs and kissed her in the rain, we would definitely get back together.

But I was wrong.

Just as I was about to rush out the door, I saw Xiaoting turn her face and spit viciously at my building.

At that moment, a flash of lightning illuminated the entire night sky, revealing Xiaoting's eyes filled with venomous resentment.

She hated me terribly, I was sure of it. Her eyes were like a demon, a shrew, a venomous snake. The tranquil, clear waters of Jiuzhaigou, like those of the lakes of the past, were completely gone, gone.

I felt terrified. After a muffled clap of thunder, I collapsed to the ground.

I had ruined Xiaoting.

I asked Xiaojun to keep an eye on her; Xiaojun was well-connected in those nightclubs and dance halls. Xiaojun said, "A whore isn't worth your time."

I really wanted to punch him when I heard that, but I figured I couldn't beat him, so I let it go.

After that, I saw Xiaoting a few more times. I asked her out, but she always refused. She said if I wanted to sleep with her, I should go to their nightclubs.

To see her, I had no choice but to go to her. Sometimes I went alone, sometimes I went with Xiaogang.

I remember that time after Xiaogang and I went to her place, she patted my shoulder and said my body was still as good as ever. As she spoke, she reeked of cheap perfume, the faint scent of osmanthus from our student days long gone.

Later, Xiaoting died—committed suicide.

I know her decay began from the depths of her soul. She was once a girl with ideals and purity, once exuding a faint osmanthus fragrance, and once inspired by the novel *The Gadfly*.

But I ruined her. Once a person's pure and noble qualities are destroyed, death is not far off.

So, I think perhaps only I in this world know how Xiaoting died.

On the day of Xiaoting's funeral, there was no memorial service, no relatives, no friends. Perhaps they felt the death of a prostitute was insignificant.

That day was gloomy. Our hymen-breaking group and Xiaoting's mother, a group of five, said goodbye to Xiaoting. Xiaoting's father was heartbroken and refused to come.

I never imagined Xiaoting's final expression would be so pure, instantly reminding me of the first time I saw her. Now, she no longer wore heavy lipstick or the prostitute's attire.

Her face was pure and pale, with even a slight smile at the corners of her lips.

It was as if she were earnestly telling me, "This book describes the strength of the soul and the unyielding ideals."

I understood; Xiaoting was dead. This pure face was merely placed upon a pile of dead flesh.

So, at that moment, I regretted it.

This was the first time I felt such regret, such shame. I knelt before Xiaoting's body, unwilling to rise for a long time. Though I didn't shed tears, my soul wept.

Xiaoting's mother cried her heart out before me. If she knew I had destroyed Xiaoting, would she go mad and kill me? She wouldn't. Because she couldn't comprehend the extent of my destruction of Xiaoting.

I remembered the slogan of our hymen destruction group; I had fulfilled it all in Xiaoting's case. But I regretted it.

The hymen destruction group's achievement today was the destruction of Xiaoting.

I think it destroyed more than just Xiaoting. We made a hundred paper flowers, which means a hundred girls were destroyed by us. We played with them, destroyed them, trampled on them, and tortured them. A hundred girls, a hundred pure souls, became our shameless achievement.

I truly regret it.

If Xiaoting came back to life, I feel I have no right to say to her, "I destroyed you, so I must take responsibility for you for the rest of my life."

A hundred paper flowers were placed around Xiaoting's body. I took all the paper flowers from Xiaogang, Xiaojun, and Xiaoqiang. I want to use these hundred paper flowers as Xiaoting's burial offering. I want to use the chastity and purity of these hundred paper flowers to express my deepest apology to Xiaoting!!!

Xiaoting's body and the hundred paper flowers were cremated together.

I said to Xiaogang and the others, "Let's disband our hymen destruction group."

No one objected. This organization was indeed too boring, so boring that everyone was tired of it.

Thus, this hymen destruction group, which had existed for so long, finally disbanded completely with the destruction of one girl.

From the day Xiaoting turned to ashes, my soul has been filled with deep regret. This regret makes me feel nauseous and want to vomit.

The city was haunted by the ghosts of countless virgins, like flies and mosquitoes, omnipresent and disturbing my soul.

I resolved to leave this city. I wanted to change myself, to start a new life with the purity that Xiaoting once possessed.

I bought a train ticket to the farthest city. I wanted to say goodbye to the past completely, forget Xiaoting, forget those paper flowers, forget the hymen-breaking group. To walk far away. No one would remember me anymore, and I didn't want to remember anyone.

Once on the train, I was excited. I felt I was finally overcoming my guilt towards Xiaoting, and I smiled. My emotions seemed to infect the other passengers. They greeted me with smiles, giving me a warm feeling of coming home.

Across from me sat a pure-looking girl, probably a student, perhaps going to school in another city.

Because she was very pretty, I couldn't help but

glance at her a few more times.

Noticing me looking at her, she looked up and smiled at me.

Only then did I notice she was holding a copy of *The Gadfly*.

She stroked the cover of *The Gadfly* and earnestly told me, "This book describes the strength of the soul and unyielding ideals."

Hearing this, I cried. I had never been so heartbroken in my life. My tears flowed like a tidal wave, my body trembled uncontrollably, but I couldn't utter a sound.

Every passenger in the room, including the girl, stared at me in astonishment.

But I didn't care; I wanted to cry my heart out, to let the tears flow freely, hoping to cleanse my sinful soul with them.

In the autumn of my senior year, I finally broke up with my girlfriend of three years. I felt I still loved her very much, but she was preparing to go abroad with a graduate student to find happiness on the other side of the ocean.

It was a beautiful golden autumn, and amidst the falling yellow leaves, I was alone, silently grieving.

Later, that autumn, I met Xiaojun, Xiaoqiang, and Xiaogang. Together, we formed this "Hymen Destruction Group." All three of them had already left school. Xiaoqiang and Gang had been working for several years, long since heading to the front lines of labor production. Xiao Jun, a vocational school graduate, had unknowingly spent many years mingling in the underworld.

When I met them, I was still struggling with the pure pain of a failed relationship, drowning my last few dollars in a dimly lit bar.

The three of them, like me, had just been dumped by their girlfriends or had just dumped themselves, and were all in a bad mood.

So, after filling our bellies with alcohol, we met in a daze.

Forming this "hymen-breaking group" initially started as a joke. Overwhelmed by heartbreak, we vowed to rape virgins, using their precious blood to commemorate our lost pure feelings.

This joke eventually became a reality. Xiao Gang and the others meticulously organized our weekend activities.

Everyone was dedicated, taking hymen-breaking as their mission, resolutely destroying one hymen after another.

At that time, I was still a virgin. My sexual experience was limited to passionate kisses with my girlfriend.

However, after meeting these three, my sexual progress was phenomenal.

Xiao Qiang and Xiao Jun were both skilled at picking up girls. Compared to the other two, Xiaogang was a master, a master, a master. He always managed to pick up the most desirable girls in the shortest time and at the most crucial moment. For Xiaogang, taking a beautiful woman's underwear in the midst of chaos was like taking candy from a baby.

I was also quite handsome, though not as good as Andy Lau, but at least on par with Chow Yun-fat. So girls were always willing to approach me. Plus, I constantly and humbly learned from Xiaogang and the others, so I quickly forgot about my freckled college girlfriend.

Every dark and windy weekend was the time for our hymen-breaking group to act.

Actually, we didn't rape or gang rape. We just seriously looked for and introduced girls to each other, then tried every means to verify that they were virgins, and finally slept with them.

Each time, we used the virgins' blood to soak toilet paper red. Then we used it to make little paper flowers.

We learned to make these little paper flowers when we were in kindergarten. The paper flowers of my childhood were as pure as a child's innocent smile, but now they symbolize the degeneration of virginity.

The first paper flower I made was stained with the blood of a beautiful elementary school teacher. She was a very pretty girl, fresh out of teachers' college and assigned to teach Chinese at an elementary school.

Xiao Gang introduced her to me, whispering, "This girl is pure. I haven't touched her yet, I guarantee she's a virgin."

We slept together in her dormitory after only two days. That was my first time, and hers too. When I entered her, she groaned, her brows furrowed. I felt incredibly lewd; I couldn't imagine how she could stand in the classroom, so dignified, lecturing her students.

Afterwards, I calmly used toilet paper I had prepared to dab her blood. She didn't even ask why, just blushed and looked at me.

Not long after making my first paper flower, I dumped her. Although this teacher was beautiful, I didn't love her. I was just making my paper flower; I didn't want to be with her for life.

She was the first, but not the last. After her, relying on my accumulated experience, I pursued one virgin after another, breaking their hymens.

Being with Xiaojun, Xiaogang, and Xiaoqiang, I certainly learned bad habits. We never took responsibility for our actions, nor did we ever regret anything. We simply used girls' blood to make paper flowers, as if making these paper flowers was something nobler and more glorious than sex or ideals.

This world is ridiculous. When I was a virgin, all I heard were unsettling statements about the decreasing number of virgins in the world. But after becoming a member of the "Hymen Destruction Group," I discovered that there are still many virgins in the world, so many that our group was exhausted and wiped out.

Ironically, every virgin likes to talk about sex and sexual ethics. Although they lack sexual experience, they have their own unique insights into these matters. And it seems that every virgin is sexually frustrated, willing to sleep with a man at any time, thus bidding farewell to the traditional era of chastity and purity.

I find it very strange. The sacredness of chastity described in books has become utterly worthless in reality.

Is this a betrayal of human ethics or a development of morality?

I asked Xiaogang, "What is purity?"

His answer was, "Make more love, dream less."

The principle is clear, what more can I say?

Xiaogang has made fourteen paper flowers. Every time he shows us his "fruits," the smile on his face is pure.

Xiaoqiang has also made ten paper flowers. His work is quite busy, so his time and energy are limited. Xiaojun has made the fewest, only three so far. Apart from the few college girls I introduced him to, he is always disappointed after sleeping with the other girls. Why can't he ever find a virgin? Xiaogang analyzed that Xiaojun spends all his time with those prostitutes, and the girls he knows are mostly of poor quality; he has long lost the ability to distinguish whether someone is a virgin.

Over the course of winter, I actually made five paper flowers. Each one was bright red and stained with fresh blood.

In fact, I slept with seven girls, but two of them were not virgins. I was blind to have met them.

I spent the most time and effort developing relationships with them, but in the end, it was they who got the satisfaction.

Winter passed and spring arrived. Day after day, I dealt with my studies and devoutly crafted these paper flowers of chastity. I felt I was beginning to possess a postmodern, sublime quality. Indifferent to external gains or losses, nothing mattered, not even a girl's genuine tears.

Recalling the sadness of being dumped by my girlfriend, I could only grit my teeth and utter the word "idiot."

I thought I wouldn't be as foolish as before; my past naiveté and ignorance, along with those hymens, had long been destroyed by me.

What remained was only a highly sexually capable shell and a professional womanizer's spirit. My soul was purely dead. I thought I would live like this, half-dead, until old age, until death.

But life always changes. Miracles happen every day.

In the final spring of my senior year, I miraculously fell in love with the sixth virgin I had defiled.

This girl was a senior in high school. She wasn't particularly beautiful, but she was very pure, always delicate and reserved, with an innocent and timid smile; you could tell at a glance she was a student, and a virgin at that.

I met her at the city library. Because I was preparing my university graduation thesis, I sat opposite her in the reading room, studying diligently. When we both looked up, I smiled at her, and that's how we met.

Her name was Xiao Ting. I preferred to call her Xiao Ting.

It was clear she was a good student and a very idealistic girl. When I met her, she had a copy of *The Gadfly* in her bag.

She stroked the cover of *The Gadfly* and earnestly told me, "This book describes the strength of the soul and unyielding ideals."

Xiao Ting was still very innocent, full of hope for the future.

As for me, besides making paper flowers, I had almost no strong soul or unyielding ideals.

So I wasn't the Gadfly; I was a rogue. The next night, I slept with Xiao Ting.

I had also taken the college entrance exam and had ideals. Therefore, I clearly understood what a pure high school senior like Xiao Ting wanted to hear and what she loved to hear.

That night, I invited her to a small room I rented off-campus.

The moon was full, and a cat in heat was meowing loudly outside the window.

I shared my experiences with the college entrance exam, about perseverance and patience, about "How the Steel Was Tempered," and about existentialist philosophy. When I sensed a hint of admiration and worship in her eyes, I seized the opportunity.

I wasn't a novice. I started by touching her with my fingers, making her lose control. Finally, when I entered her, she clung to me tightly and let out a scream. That piercing scream echoed in the quiet night.

That night, I was incredibly excited. Xiaoting's blood stained a large sheet of toilet paper. I resolved to use it to make a large flower.

Xiaoting nestled in my arms, gently stroking my arm. Her eyes seemed still pure, like the lakes of Jiuzhaigou, serene and peaceful.

But I knew she was no longer a virgin; I had defiled her.

So, I held her close and enthusiastically told her about our hymen-breaking group, about the little paper flowers we made, about our slogans, and about my paper flowers.

Xiaoting listened without saying a word, her face pale. Because she suddenly realized she had been played.

I will always remember that moment. Xiaoting angrily got up and dressed. Her movements were beautiful, graceful, like a dance.

It seemed her lower body was still in pain; after dressing, she clutched her lower abdomen and stood bent over for a while. I saw her shoulders trembling. She must have been crying.

Before leaving, Xiaoting gritted her teeth and said to me, "You ruined me, you're a beast!" Her expression under the lamplight resembled a wild animal, her eyes radiating hatred and anger, yet her face was covered in tears.

She liked me. I understood as soon as she cried.

So, I laughed out loud. With that laughter, she left, walking into the vast night without looking back.

That night, using the paper Xiaoting had dyed red, I carefully crafted the most exquisite paper flower. This paper flower was the best I had ever made, beautiful and even, almost perfect.

After finishing, tears rolled down my face. Not regret, not sorrow. Just wanting to cry, inexplicably wanting to cry. Crying doesn't need a reason.

Xiaoting's tears proved she liked me. My tears made me think I'd fallen for her too.

A few days later, I went to find Xiaoting. This was the first time I'd gone back to the virgin I'd ruined. At her middle school gate, I saw her, looking dejected, carrying her schoolbag alone, head down, walking out of the school. Her long, beautiful legs, encased in her sweatpants, looked incredibly alluring.

She cried as soon as she saw me.

I told her, "I ruined you, so I have to take responsibility for you for life."

Xiaoting must have been deeply moved. Her tears soaked my clothes.

That night, she didn't go home; she came back to my little apartment with me. We entwined on the bed like snakes.

Xiaoting said, "You're so good to me." Her words puzzled me. I only made love to her to satisfy my pent-up desires. I didn't intend to be that good to her. I hadn't even taken her words that afternoon about taking responsibility for her for life seriously. So why did she think I was good to her?

Perhaps I liked Xiaoting because she had character, which I didn't; or perhaps I liked Xiaoting because she had ideals, which I had long since lost. This kind of liking is like liking a rich person because you're poor—I thought it was despicable.

But Xiaoting didn't think so. She was willing to use her meager allowance to buy me delicious sweet rice cakes and spend as much time with me as possible after school every day. She said she liked looking at me, saying that I was sometimes mischievous, like Yang Guo.

She wished she were Xiaolongnu, so that we could have a love that lasted forever.

I didn't want to quit the hymen-breaking group yet. But having Xiaoting around was always inconvenient. Fortunately, I was busy with graduation matters at that time, so there were no awkward situations.

Writing a university graduation thesis was as easy as taking a dump; I could produce a huge pile in one go. After finishing my graduation thesis, I gloriously graduated in June.

A relative was enthusiastically helping me find a job, while I had nothing to do.

At this time, Xiaogang came to find me and told me that he had found three avant-garde girls, all guaranteed to be virgins. He invited Xiaojun, and the three of us would put on a good show in my rented little room. Of course, we weren't driving a horse-drawn carriage, but rather an old man pushing a cart.

These three girls were indeed avant-garde and rebellious. They were quite willing to bid farewell to their virginity on such an even-numbered month and even-numbered week.

So, on my small bed, the three of us rode across the field of sex. They

were indeed all virgins. The three bright red stains of blood made me incredibly excited. The girl beneath me, besides having full breasts, also had exceptionally alluring moans.

Xiao Jun's roughness was making the girl beneath him a little overwhelmed. Xiao Gang, while busy with his own things, lectured Xiao Jun: "Slow down, pay attention to the rhythm." He said it as if he were dancing a ballroom dance.

Just as the six of us were reaching our climax, the door was pushed open, and Xiao Ting walked in. She was carrying my favorite sweet rice cakes.

Seeing the six of us naked, in exciting positions, she was stunned by what she saw. If she was still pure at heart before, seeing all this, her soul was defiled.

Everyone looked at me, waiting for me to find a solution in this awkward atmosphere. I could only scold Xiaojun: "You didn't even lock the door when you came in."

Xiaojun scratched his head and chuckled. On days when he wasn't fighting for the underworld, his smile was actually quite endearing.

Xiaoting clenched her fists and questioned me, "You said you'd take responsibility for me for life, you..." She didn't know what to say.

At that moment, my hand was still on one of her breasts. I touched that breast and told Xiaoting in a student-like tone, "You have no right to interfere in my private life. I don't love you anymore, so get lost."

Hearing this, Xiaoting's tears streamed down her face.

I politely added, "Remember to lock the door when you leave." Then I continued making love to her.

I don't remember how Xiaoting ran out crying. When I said goodbye to the three girls, they didn't mention it. They had just lost their virginity, and I think they must have felt some regret.

As I left, Xiaojun said to me, "You're so inhuman." His tone was full of admiration. To be admired by a gangster made me feel very proud.

I also knew that Xiaoting wouldn't come back to me; it was over between us. Fortunately, I used the virginity blood of another girl today to make a small paper flower. I've made seven now. The seven fairies, their most vital membranes blown away by my actions, were gone with the wind. I felt a sense of accomplishment, however small. Yet,

even in that satisfaction, I felt empty.

This emptiness, like the vast night sky, devoured my soul. Today I hurt Xiaoting, destroying her spirit again by defiling her body. Her college entrance exam was only a month away. I hoped she would get into a good university, so perhaps she wouldn't resent me for the rest of her life.

My wish was kind. At that moment, I thought I was a good person; I deceived myself, finding peace in the process.

But later, I heard from Xiaoting's classmates that she had failed her college entrance exam.

That day was about a month after Xiaoting's exam. I couldn't help but want to know which city she got into, so I unconsciously walked to the list of successful candidates from her school.

It was a sunset evening, and the air in Xiaoting's middle school was filled with the fragrance of osmanthus blossoms. I had smelled this fragrance on Xiaoting before, so it felt particularly familiar.

A girl in front of the list told me that Xiaoting had failed her college entrance exam. This was a girl with long braids and beautiful black eyes. She told me, with a meaningful tone, that Xiaoting had collapsed before the college entrance exam. Her spirit seemed to have suffered a severe blow before the exam. After not doing well in the first few subjects, she didn't take the last two exams. She gave up.

This girl with long braids also told me that Xiaoting was originally among the top three in her class, and the teachers had high hopes for her, feeling she should have gotten into a prestigious university… Listening to these words, I suddenly remembered Xiaoting once saying to me: "You ruined me, you're a beast."

I didn't think I had done anything wrong; I just felt ashamed.

Driven by the pressure of my inferiority complex, I tried hard to please this girl with long braids. I kept making her laugh heartily, and finally, we made love in my rented room.

This girl with long braids wasn't a virgin; she said she and her boyfriend had tried it in their second year of high school.

I didn't care if she was a virgin or not. The most important thing was that she was Xiaoting's classmate. So I fucked her hard, making her scream with pleasure. In those screams, I searched for the essence and sin of the soul.

I kept in touch with the girl with the long braid. Through her, I knew where Xiaoting was and what she was doing. The girl

with the long braid got into the same university I had just graduated from. As soon as school started, she cut her braid into a short haircut less than a finger's length, making her look indescribably ugly.

She told me, with her short hair swaying and a crooked nose and slanted eyes, that Xiaoting was studying at a very ordinary tutoring school.

I didn't have the courage to go to Xiaoting's place because I felt I might feel guilty if I saw her. I still liked her.

Whenever I slept with other girls, I would think of her, remembering the screams she made during her first time.

During this time, I found a job in a government office. Besides sweeping, fetching water, and currying favor with the section chief, I spent my workdays reading newspapers and books extensively.

Naturally, I also participated in the hymen destruction group activities on weekends. The result of this meaningful participation was that by the time I saw Xiaoting again, I had made a full twenty paper flowers.

Xiaoting's was still the most vibrant and exquisite. Seeing that flower always made me miss her.

Finally, two months before Xiaoting was preparing for her second college entrance exam, I decided to see her. My intention was to encourage her, so I went to her tutoring school.

She was noticeably heavier than a year ago, and her face was much paler. Every girl in tutoring school looks like that, so I wasn't surprised at all. My

appearance, however, took Xiaoting by surprise. When she saw me, tears streamed down her face like broken beads.

We stared at each other for a long time. I said, "I wish you good luck on your college entrance exam this year."

She slowly walked over, slapped me hard across the face, and then buried her face in my chest and cried loudly.

That night, we went back to my dormitory. I had already asked my workplace for a single dormitory room and was no longer renting that pitiful off-campus room.

In bed, I showed her how much I had missed her that year through my actions. She silently reciprocated.

The small bed in the dormitory creaked and groaned happily in the darkness, as if it were the happiest bed for Xiaoting and me during our lovemaking.

I felt that Xiaoting and I had made up. So, I earnestly showed her the twenty little paper flowers I had made. I told her, "You're the biggest and most exquisite one among them."

Her face changed instantly, turning completely pale. She was angry. She knew I was still breaking hymens. She was the sixth, but in one year, that's fourteen more. I hadn't improved; I'd become worse.

That night, she left immediately. I don't know if she had enough money for a taxi, but I know Xiaoting must hate me to the core.

Someone once said that the college entrance exam is like sex; the first time is the most important. It's the same for both boys and girls. After the first time, boys become more and more slick, while girls become more and more worthless.

Xiaoting failed her first college entrance exam. She failed the second one too.

It's just that I didn't provoke her much the second time; she failed on her own.

Of course, I also bear some responsibility. Because a few days before the college entrance exam, Xiaoting found out she was pregnant.

After failing the exam, Xiaoting came to find me. At that time, I was in my dorm reciting poetry with Xiaogang. A bright-eyed girl sat next to me. This girl said that she would give her virginity to whoever had better writing skills, me or Xiaogang.

Xiao Gang recited a poem, "Spring Dawn": "

Spring sleep is unaware of dawn, sexual harassment is everywhere.

Groans in the middle of the night, girls become older women.

" I, being highly educated, naturally refused to admit defeat easily. So I gave him a couplet; if Xiao Gang could provide the matching line, I would be completely outmatched.

My first line was: "Menstrual belt, every month, the more you wear it, the more menstrual belt there is."

This was a timeless perfect couplet. Xiao Gang, full of filth, couldn't come up with a match. Just as he was about to give up and leave, handing the girl over to me, Xiao Ting arrived.

Xiao Ting's eyes were a little swollen. She said, "I'm pregnant."

I was speechless. I was healthy, and she had no physiological problems. It was perfectly natural.

My indifference enraged Xiao Ting. She raised her fist and said, "You ruined me. You're a beast!"

I had heard this phrase before; it sounded familiar and endearing.

She added, "I'll hate you for the rest of my life." As she said this, she seemed to calm down again. Then she strode away.

She became a bit sharp and a bit strong. I think this might be because she read *The Gadfly*. I've also read *How the Steel Was Tempered*, but I still don't possess any noble qualities. I admire girls like Xiaoting who can draw strength from books.

I haven't seen Xiaoting for two years since she left.

During those two years, our hymen-breaking group's activities gradually decreased. The four of us felt a bit bored. It turns out that everything in life eventually becomes tiresome; nothing is always worth doing. What's the point of living?

In those two years, Xiaojun had risen from a gangster to a minor leader. Xiaoqiang had made a fortune but became impotent. His thirst for money far outweighed his sexual desires; he was very... Only Xiaogang and I remained the same as before, wasting time in monotony and boredom.

During this time, I read a book that deeply moved me. The book is called *Perhaps Pain, Not Happiness*.

In his preface, the author, Nai Gang, stated that he was writing about emotions, but I read in that book a sense of past purity.

I had almost forgotten this noble emotion for a long time; unexpectedly, a book brought back memories of my former self. I hate reminiscing about the past because it makes one feel even more ashamed.

So, after being moved, I immediately burned the book, *Perhaps Pain, Not Necessarily Happiness*. I wanted to turn my past personality, my past nobility, into ashes, like Qiu Shaoyun.

However, there are many things in life you can't help but remember, and many people you can never forget.

Xiaoting is one I can't forget. For two years, her image and her expression have always flashed before my eyes.

I can't forget the first time I met her; she stroked the cover of *The Gadfly* and earnestly told me, "This book describes the strength of the soul and unyielding ideals."

I felt that this sentence was her banner, showcasing the noble qualities beneath her pure exterior.

I miss her. I find that longing makes me love her even more.

If I see her again, I think I'll still say to her,

"I ruined you, so I'll take responsibility for you for life." One rainy day, Xiaojun told me he saw Xiaoting. Xiaojun's boss owned several nightclubs and dance halls with prostitution services. Xiaojun saw Xiaoting working as a hostess there.

Braving the downpour, I immediately rushed into that nightclub. When I saw Xiaoting, I could hardly believe my eyes. She was wearing a short white skirt that revealed her most private parts, sitting sideways on the lap of a man old enough to be her father. The man's fat, ugly hands were groping Xiaoting's already incredibly short skirt.

Xiaoting said coquettishly, "Boss Zhao, you're so bad." Then she saw me.

At that moment, I thought Xiaoting would cry. But she didn't. She smiled at me and continued to let the old man grope her.

I cried. I knew I had really ruined Xiaoting.

I rushed over, took out all the money I had, and threw it in the old lecher's face, telling him I had this girl for the night. Then I grabbed Xiaoting and dragged

her out into the pouring rain. I questioned her, "Do you still remember 'The Gadfly'?"

She snorted and said she'd forgotten long ago.

The rain soaked our clothes and washed away the thick makeup on Xiaoting's face, finally revealing her pure and charming appearance once more.

I took her back to my place. My workplace had already allocated me an apartment.

The rain outside kept falling, like endless tears weeping for the sorrows of humanity over thousands of years.

Xiaoting lit a cigarette and told me about her life over the past two years. After failing her college entrance exam for the second time, she was heartbroken. Adding to that, she became pregnant with my child. The pressure on a girl not even twenty years old is unimaginable.

She had an abortion, then worked in several places, eventually becoming a prostitute in a bar, naturally going through the process of going from not selling her body to selling it. I said to her, "Remember what I said? I said I ruined you, so I'll be responsible for you for the rest of my life."

She sneered and said, "I'm not the Xiaoting I used to be. I'm not naive anymore. I'll never believe the nonsense you stinky men spout again."

She got up to leave, but before she went out, she turned back and gave me her phone number, telling me to call her if I wanted to hire a prostitute, and she'd charge me half price.

I wanted to get her back, but I couldn't.

She was definitely not Xiaoting anymore.

Through the window, I saw her standing in the rain downstairs for a while, letting the rain relentlessly wash over her. I thought she must be crying. I felt that if I rushed downstairs and kissed her in the rain, we would definitely get back together.

But I was wrong.

Just as I was thinking this but hadn't rushed out the door, I saw Xiaoting turn her face and spit viciously at my building.

At that moment, a flash of lightning illuminated the entire night sky, and I saw Xiaoting's eyes filled with malice and resentment.

She hated me very much, I was sure of it. Her eyes were like a demon, a shrew, a venomous snake. The tranquil clarity of Jiuzhaigou Lake was completely gone, gone.

I felt terrified. After a muffled clap of thunder, I collapsed to the ground.

I had ruined Xiaoting.

I asked Xiaojun to keep an eye on Xiaoting; Xiaojun was well-connected in those nightclubs and dance halls. Xiaojun said, "A whore isn't worth your attention."

I really wanted to punch him when I heard that, but I figured I couldn't beat him, so I let it go.

After that, I saw Xiaoting a few more times. I asked her out, but she always refused. She said if I wanted to sleep with her, I should go to their nightclub.

To see her, I had no choice but to go to her. Sometimes I went alone, sometimes I went with Xiaogang.

I remember one time after Xiaogang and I finished sleeping with her, she patted my shoulder and said my body was still as good as before. When she spoke, she reeked of cheap perfume, long gone was the faint osmanthus fragrance of my student days.

Later, Xiaoting died, by suicide.

I know her decay began from the depths of her soul. She was once a girl with ideals and purity, exuding a faint fragrance of osmanthus, and she was once inspired by the novel *The Gadfly*.

But I ruined her. Once a person's pure and noble qualities are destroyed, death is not far away.

So, I think perhaps only I in this world know how Xiaoting died.

On the day of Xiaoting's farewell, there was no memorial service, no relatives, no friends. Perhaps they felt that the death of a prostitute was insignificant.

That day was very gloomy. Our hymen destruction group and Xiaoting's mother, a group of five, said goodbye to Xiaoting. Xiaoting's father was heartbroken and refused to come.

I didn't expect Xiaoting's final appearance to be so pure, which immediately reminded me of the first time I saw her. And now she no longer wore heavy lipstick, no longer wore the professional attire of a prostitute.

Her face was pure and pale, with even a slight smile at the corner of her mouth.

She seemed to be earnestly telling me, "This book describes the strength of the soul and the unyielding ideals."

I understood; Xiaoting was dead. That pure face was merely placed on a pile of dead flesh.

So, at that moment, I regretted it.

This was the first time I had felt such regret and shame. I knelt before Xiaoting's body, unwilling to rise for a long time. Although I didn't shed tears, my soul wept.

Xiaoting's mother wept bitterly in front of me. If she knew I was the one who ruined Xiaoting, would she go mad and kill me? No. Because she couldn't comprehend the extent of my destruction of Xiaoting.

I remembered the slogan of our hymen-breaking group, and I fulfilled it all with Xiaoting. But I regretted it.

The achievement of the hymen-breaking group today was the destruction of Xiaoting.

I think it destroyed more than just Xiaoting. We made a hundred paper flowers, which means a hundred girls were destroyed by us. We played with them, destroyed them, trampled on them, and tortured them. A hundred girls, a hundred pure souls, became our shameless achievement.

I truly regretted it.

If Xiaoting came back to life, I felt I had no right to say to her, "I destroyed you, so I must take responsibility for you for life."

A hundred paper flowers were placed around Xiaoting's body. I took all the paper flowers from Xiaogang, Xiaojun, and Xiaoqiang. I wanted to use these hundred paper flowers as Xiaoting's burial offering. I wanted to use the chastity and purity of these hundred paper flowers to express my deepest apology to Xiaoting!! Xiaoting

's body was cremated along with the hundred paper flowers.

I said to Xiaogang and the others, "Let's disband our hymen-breaking group."

No one objected. This organization was indeed too boring, so boring that everyone was tired of it.

Thus, this long-standing hymen-breaking group finally disbanded completely with the destruction of a girl.

From the day Xiaoting turned to ashes, my soul has been filled with deep regret, a regret that makes my stomach clench, making me feel nauseous.

The ghosts of countless virgins who lost their chastity roam everywhere in this city, like flies and mosquitoes, omnipresent, disturbing my soul.

I resolved to leave this city. I wanted to change myself, to start a new life with the purity that Xiaoting once possessed.

I bought a train ticket to the farthest city. I wanted to say goodbye to the past completely, forget Xiaoting, forget those paper flowers, forget the hymen-breaking group. I would walk far away. No one would remember me anymore, and I didn't want to remember anyone anymore.

After boarding the train, I was excited. I felt I was finally over my guilt towards Xiaoting, and I smiled. My emotions seemed to infect the other passengers. They greeted me with smiles, making me feel a warm sense of homecoming. Across from

me sat a pure-looking girl, probably a student, perhaps going to school in another city.

Because she was very pretty, I couldn't help but

glance at her a few more times.

Noticing me looking at her, she looked up and smiled at me.

Only then did I notice she was holding a copy of *The Gadfly*.

She stroked the cover of *The Gadfly* and earnestly told me, "This book describes the strength of the soul and unyielding ideals."

Hearing this, I cried. I had never been so heartbroken in my life. My tears flowed like a tidal wave, my body trembled uncontrollably, but I couldn't utter a sound.

Every passenger, including the girl, stared at me in astonishment.

But I don't care. I want to cry my heart out. I want to let my tears flow freely, hoping to wash away my sinful soul with them.

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