Seeking her husband with a devout heart

My rest schedule has been irregular these past few days. A few days ago, I tentatively logged into 69.com and finally retrieved my password. I had registered and logged in once before but forgot the password, and I'm too lazy to register again. Actually, I'm quite sleepy right now, but I don't want to fall asleep. I just saw a friend's profile, and I was overjoyed and excited. It turns out he was also waiting to find his other half. But then I saw his posts and realized he had already found someone. I felt a pang of sadness, my nose stung, and tears almost welled up. Why such an exaggerated, strong reaction?
Sometimes you have to calm down to hear what your inner voice needs, what it wants! For the past ten years, I've wanted my own career, a beautiful, loving relationship, and a warm, loving family. These wishes were within reach, and I got them, but is this really the simple life I wanted? I was wrong after all. I kept being wrong, even when I met people I didn't feel anything for, I was willing to continue making that mistake, deliberately ignoring my inner voice because it's vague and hard to hear! I don't know what it's saying! But I know it wants to sabotage! To sabotage my quiet, seemingly peaceful life! As time went on, the more I tried to avoid it, the more rampant and unrestrained it became in its confrontation with me. Ultimately, I was defeated by it, shattering the beautiful and happy life that most people envisioned. I'm truly heartbroken, conflicted, and torn. I felt like an oddball, unable to resist flirting with people, my body restless… I felt unbearably ashamed. How could I be like this?! Marriage should mean a conventional life, everything done step by step: marriage, children, a good job, loving my husband, and being loyal to him. I thought about it seriously—how could I possibly do that?! I'm just not suited for marriage. Whoever meets me is doomed. I can't hurt anyone; I'm too restless, too unconventional! I've thought about marrying a normal person several times! I approach it with a "let's see what happens" attitude, but it's always impossible. A voice inside me says, "I can't hurt anyone!" Yet, how I long for someone to walk alongside me, someone who cares about sex and feelings… In reality, isn't this just wishful thinking? After struggling for so long, I finally stumbled upon the answer on Baidu and discovered that there were others like me struggling. I'm no longer alone, and I'm so excited! \(≧▽≦)/ I know I've found my people.
I discussed things with some people in a group, and they gave me a lot of positive guidance, for which I'm very grateful. I'm not looking for casual sex partners here; I'm looking for someone who truly loves me, someone I love, someone who is understanding, caring, and comforting. I feel the boundaries might be a bit wider in the future. So far, I haven't tried threesomes, group sex, or anything like that. I'm waiting for the right person to appear. I need their guidance to explore these things together. I've been waiting patiently… I haven't
found that person yet. I have no interest in casual sex partners or just playing around, because afterwards, I only feel empty, lonely, and helpless. I need someone to care for me, someone to belong to, someone to find refuge.

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Seeking her husband with a devout heart

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