Gu Wangyan [Complete] - 12

Chapter Ten: In his madness and ecstasy,

the author recalls high-ranking officials and beautiful courtesans, mocking vulgar guests with a beautiful heart. Volume Ten,

the Dull Old Man, says:
Although Huan, Jia, and Tong are of the same kind, their temperaments are distinct. Each person has a unique bearing and manner of speaking, showing no resemblance whatsoever. Huan'e's folly is madness, Jia's folly is feigned, and Tong's arrogance is genuine folly. Even Wu He's flattery of the three is of three levels: Huan'e is the most important, Jia's is next, and Tong's arrogance is the least important, showing that profit is inferior to power. Watching the three of them talk and laugh, they are clearly a group of naive, spoiled, and foolish young men.

Huan, Jia, and Tong's encounter with Qian Gui is fortunate for Zhong Sheng and Qian Gui. If Qian Gui had not met these three, his integrity would not be apparent, and Zhong Sheng's elegance would not be seen. The author's writing is like painting a stone from three sides.

While Yang Weiying's scheme to mingle with Gong Ganzi's concubine is a wicked one, all those who are fond of homosexuality should be dealt with in this way.

Although the previous chapters interspersed descriptions of You Hungong's depravity, the reasons for it were not yet apparent. This chapter contains his biography, and a close reading reveals not only his depravity but also his utter depravity.

The latter half of the book vividly portrays Duoyin's lewdness and You Xialiu's vulgarity. Using the son to criticize the father, You Hungong and Bu Tong, upon reflection, would likely find themselves without a valid explanation.

Some pedantic old man, upon seeing You Xialiu's actions, might exclaim, "Is that so? How can such a thing be licked?" They fail to realize that this single act of vulgarity serves as a condemnation of countless acts of vulgarity throughout history. If the powerful can be licked, why can't Duoyin's genitals? Power and profit are equivalent. Duoyin's genitals may still have the aroma of dried fish, but the powerful's are likely pure dog excrement. Moreover, You Xialiu's licking of his wife's genitals still carries an element of ambiguity. Others, however, openly and obviously lick the genitals of strangers. Compared to this, You Xialiu is still a cut above the rest.

Chapter Ten: In a fit of madness, he recalls high-ranking officials and beautiful courtesans, their hearts filled with beauty, mocking vulgar guests . (

Appendix: The extraordinary lewdness of the Bu family's daughter reveals her ingenious thoughts; the clever licking of

the wandering scholar reveals his truly wonderful ideas.) After forming an alliance, Huan, Jia, and Tong spent their days together, feeling even closer than brothers. [This is what is meant by the sweetness of friendship among petty men.] One day, they were enjoying the cool air at Huan's garden, in a pavilion called "Swallowing Duckweed Pavilion." What is Swallowing Duckweed Pavilion? It's a cool pavilion for escaping the summer heat, surrounded by water, standing alone. Towering willows lined the pond's edge, blocking out all sunlight. The water was covered with duckweed, and turtles, tortoises, fish, and shrimp played and swam on the surface, swallowing and spitting out the duckweed—a truly beautiful sight, hence the name "Swallowing Duckweed." They sat on the pavilion, their hair loose and robes flowing, drinking and reveling for a while. Huan E said, "We're just eating like this, it's not fun at all. It would be much more enjoyable if we had a proper chat." Wu He said, "If the master were to utter a single word or express a single thought, it would be absolutely brilliant. Such refined conversation is beyond the reach of ordinary people; it's truly a thousand times better than the common folk." Tong Zida said, "Brother Wu, you're so cheeky, you're just putting a flowerpot on my head. In my opinion, talking nonsense is only pleasing to the ear, not as good as eating and drinking, which makes both the mouth and stomach happy, isn't that better?" Jia Wenwu said, "Brother, you've misunderstood. When Zigong discussed people, the Master only said, 'I have no time for that.' How can you criticize Brother Wu's shortcomings and claim to be a righteous person for your faults?" Tong Zida said, "I'm just playing around with Brother Wu. No need to say more, let's just go along with your nonsense." Huan E said, "If we're going to (missing 5 characters) talk about the past and present, tell jokes and play around, we need to have someone with our own eyes to see it." Even better, or else (7 characters missing) (tell a funny story). Those who don't tell it well will be punished with a cup of wine.” Jia Wenwu said, “Wonderful! (8 characters missing) (I love listening to stories).” Huan E said, “Two years ago, when I was in the capital, I met a disciple of mine who went to Yongping Prefecture on business. He returned after some time and said (8 characters missing) (on the road) he met a man in his twenties driving a military cart, with a young woman, only about ten years old, sitting on it. She was very beautiful and was the man's wife. There was also a handsome young man, also in his twenties. They were always on the cart, flirting with the woman. The second monk found it strange and observed them closely. [A monk would never observe so closely.] Perhaps the man…” Even when they were a little further apart, the two of them would bicker and joke. They would eat lunch at the same shop and stay overnight at the same inn. The inns in the north weren't like those in the south; most of them were open. That night, the second monk was also in the inn, on one of two kang beds opposite each other. The woman slept against the wall, her husband next to her, and an old man with a white beard was also on the kang. The others, because their wives were on the kang, squeezed onto this side of the kang, and the second monk slept next to the young man. During the night, the woman's husband got up to feed the horses, and the young man quickly jumped off the kang and crawled into the woman's bed. A little while later, hearing the husband about to come in, he quickly ran back to sleep. Everyone was awake; who would bother with such a thing? The husband had just fallen asleep, and it seems he touched the woman's lower body, and... The young man sat up abruptly and cried out, "Oh no! There's a bad guy!" No one in the room knew who he was referring to. He suspected it was the old man he shared a bed with. He got off the bed, scooped up a ladle of cold water, and nudged the old man, saying, "Get up and drink some water." The old man, thirsty from sleeping on the warm bed, took the water and drank it all in one gulp. The young man had no choice but to go back to sleep. At dawn, the young man and woman left first, and everyone else got up. The young man bowed to the old man and said, "Thank you, sir, for drinking that ladle of water for me." The old man laughed and said, "My brother, are you the old man? If I had known it was you, I would have drunk two ladles for you." This made everyone in the shop burst into laughter. "Isn't this a real joke?" Tong Zida laughed loudly, "This must be what the second monk did. He couldn't say it was himself, so he blamed it on someone else." [His thinking was not only not foolish, but also extremely clever.] Jia

Wenwu nodded and said, “That makes sense, my brother. Your words are so insightful. I have witnessed something like this. I once went to Zhongshan Mountain for a visit. There were four or five women on the Observatory. They were resting at the foot of the mountain, while the men who had been with them scattered and wandered around. Suddenly, a madman came up to the women, took off his trousers, and pulled out his large and hard penis. He placed it on a rock and began to punch it. Some of the women blushed and avoided him, while others laughed. They shouted for the men to capture him. By the time everyone arrived, the madman had already run away from the back of the mountain. Isn’t that ridiculous?”

Wu He said, “I also witnessed a funny incident. There was a wealthy man named Kang who lived on Hanximen Street. That day, there was probably some happy occasion at his house.” There were seven or eight girls, the oldest no more than fourteen or fifteen, the youngest twelve or thirteen, all dressed neatly, standing at the door chatting and laughing. An old man, over seventy years old, stood at a distance, holding a basket, staring intently for a while. Suddenly, he ran up and hugged one of the girls, kissing her several times and biting her neck and cheeks. The girl screamed in fright, and the others stumbled and rolled inside. The men of her household heard this and ran out, seeing the old man still clinging to her. They beat him, but seeing his age, they dared not beat him too severely, and dragged him to Shangyuan County to report to the magistrate. The magistrate, also seeing his age, gave him a light punishment of fifteen strokes of the cane. After the beating, the old man knelt and reported: 'Old Master Meng...' "Your Excellency is showing me divine grace, but I am deeply wronged." The county magistrate was furious and said, "You old servant, how despicable you are! You have done such a thing, you should be severely punished. But I am only showing you leniency because of your age, and you still say that I have wronged you." The old man kowtowed and said, "I have lived to such an old age, do you think I don't know the law? How could I dare to do such a thing? I don't know how, I was momentarily blinded by something, and I ran over to hug and kiss you. I didn't even realize it myself. Later, when everyone caught me and beat me, I came to my senses and realized my mistake. This is what I mean by being wronged, how dare I say anything to Your Excellency?" The county magistrate laughed loudly and ordered him to be chased out. "Isn't this a real joke?"

Tong Zi laughed loudly, "This 'blinded by something'..." "Do you really believe this? I've done it once, and I suffered a great loss." Huan'e said to him, "Brother, tell us one too." Tong Zida said, "I've never heard of it, nor have I seen it. No need to tell you anything, I'll just tell you this joke about when I fainted. My mistress had a maid named Xiantao, who was incredibly beautiful. One day, I glanced at her unintentionally, and she smiled at me. I felt a shiver run from the top of my head to the soles of my feet, and I fainted. My mistress saw this, grabbed a broom handle, and beat me more than ten times on my neck, almost breaking my neck. She immediately sold the maid. Tell me, isn't that a miscarriage of justice? Isn't it funny?" Everyone laughed heartily at this.

Seeing that Jia Wenwu was somewhat blind, Tong Zida laughed and said to him, "I heard someone tell a joke about a blind man, and I'll tell it to you, brother. Don't be angry." Jia Wenwu said, "It's alright. It's just a joke, why be angry?" Tong Zida said, "Brother, don't be angry, I'll tell you. A man who loved to play with his buttocks, when he was having fun with his wife, would play with his anus seven or eight times out of ten. His wife said, 'Since you love it so much, you should give it a name.' The man said, 'This eye is very interesting, let's call it the Interesting Eye.' His wife then pointed to his genitals and said, 'You also use this thing occasionally, it should also be given a name.' The man said, 'It's similar to the Interesting Eye, let's call it the Near Interesting Eye.' Huan'e laughed loudly.

Jia Wenwu, seeing that Tong Zida had offended him and noticing that he looked somewhat dazed, said, "I also have a joke to tell you all." A simpleton named Man had a sore on his wife's vulva. She called to her husband, saying, "The itching and pain inside my penis is unbearable! Please call a doctor to treat it." The husband summoned a doctor, who then ordered his wife to expose herself naked so he could see her ailment. The doctor said, "This cannot be treated with pills or decoctions. You must apply an antipruritic and analgesic medicine to the glans penis, insert it into the itchy and painful area, and it will heal." The simpleton said, "I don't know where the illness is. You are the doctor; you can do it yourself." The doctor was delighted and immediately mixed the medicine with saliva, applied it to his penis, and inserted it into his wife's vulva, pulling it back and forth incessantly. The simpleton was greatly surprised and said, "You're just applying medicine; why are you moving it so much?" The doctor said, "The glans penis has no eyes; how can I see the problem immediately upon insertion? I must find the vital spot before I can apply it." He pulled it back and forth even more rapidly. His wife was overjoyed and repeatedly exclaimed, "Good doctor! Good doctor!" The doctor, overjoyed, ejaculated and lay on the woman's belly. He cried out, "I have found the ailment!" The foolish man, who had been watching for a long time, nodded and said, "If you two weren't using medicine, judging from your actions, I would be very suspicious." Huan'e laughed so hard he fell over, even knocking over his wine cup. Tong Zida's face turned red, and he said, "Brother, you can call me a fool. How can you say that my grandmother is having an affair with the doctor? It's okay to joke about other things, but how can you talk about a wife like that?" Jia Wenwu said, "Words spoken in a contradictory way will also be spoken in a contradictory way. The previous words were just a joke, why are you angry?" Tong Zida just kept arguing. Huan'e said, "Good brothers, how can you take a joke seriously?" Each of them was punished with a large cup of wine before they stopped talking.

Huan'e said, "I also have a joke to tell you all. There are two brothers in a family, and a sister-in-law. When the older brother went out to do business, he made a vow that if he made money, he would repay it." Sure enough, he went out and made a profit. He returned home, bought several pounds of meat, and cooked it to fulfill his vow. His sister-in-law was tending the fire in the kitchen while her two brothers prepared the offering table. The incense, candles, and paper money were all ready. The elder brother called to his younger brother, "Look, the meat is almost ready. Bring it to burn the paper money." The younger brother went to the kitchen and saw his sister-in-law bent over, her buttocks sticking out, tending the fire. Her trousers were torn, just revealing her vulva. The younger brother couldn't resist reaching out to touch it. His sister-in-law was startled. Turning around, she saw it was her brother-in-law and laughed, scolding, "You bastard! How many pieces of that fatty meat can you eat?" Her elder brother, hearing this, assumed his brother had stolen meat and scolded, "You've become greedy! You haven't even offered any offerings to the gods, and you're already thinking of enjoying yourself!" It turned out that the woman's private parts were offered to the gods. Everyone laughed heartily.

Wu He said, "What you said, sir, is certainly a joke, but such a thing actually happened. The other day, I went to the North Gate Bridge and saw a large crowd gathered in front of a house. I squeezed in to take a look." It turned out to be two brothers, with an elderly mother and a sister-in-law. The mother was a little sleepy at midday and was sleeping on a bench in the main room, covering her face with a sleeve to avoid flies. The younger son came in from outside, mistaking her for his sister-in-law, and quietly climbed on top of her, then forcefully thrust his hard penis into her crotch. His mother woke up with a start and, seeing it was her son, scolded, "You damned servant, what are you doing?" Seeing it was his mother, he jumped down and said, "Oh dear, I must have been mistaken." His mother said, "There's only me and your sister-in-law in the family. You don't have a wife. If you say you're mistaken, you're clearly trying to steal your sister-in-law." They wanted to send him to the authorities, dragged him into the street, and when the neighbors found out what happened, they persuaded him to come back. They only had his brother beat him ten times with a carrying pole and chased him out. I saw this with my own eyes; it's quite a joke."

Tong Zida said, "Speaking of this sister-in-law matter, I also remembered a joke. A man from Yangzhou asked a friend to do something for him, saying, 'If you do this for me, you can have my sister-in-law warmed up for a while.' His brother heard this and scolded, 'Lahua, how can you let someone else warm up your sister-in-law?' His brother said, 'I was just teasing him. My sister-in-law's vagina is there; I won't warm it up, why would I let him?'" Everyone laughed for a while.

Huan E said, “I have another joke. A high-ranking official took a bamboo sliver to a prostitute and had her sleep on the edge of the bed. The official, standing on the ground, said, ‘We should compose a tune to sing while we’re doing this, to make it more interesting.’ So he lifted the prostitute’s leg and sang, ‘Little feet raised high.’ Then he put his penis inside and sang, ‘Broken testicles colliding tightly.’ But he couldn’t finish the tune. Who knew that the bamboo sliver was listening to their actions under the bed? Seeing that the official couldn’t compose a tune, he quickly stuck his head out and chimed in, saying, ‘Hey!’” Everyone laughed, even Wu He chuckled for a while, saying, "The esteemed gentleman has revealed my true nature." Tong Zi laughed loudly, "Brother Wu, you!"

Wu He said, "I also have a joke to share with you three gentlemen. A high-ranking official was sitting with a guest when he suddenly let out a loud fart. The guest asked, 'Who farted?' The bamboo strip, knowing it was the high-ranking official, quickly replied, 'It wasn't a fart, it was a toad croaking.' A moment later, it started to stink, and the guest said to the bamboo strip, 'You said it was a toad croaking, how could it stink?' The bamboo strip had no answer, so it said, 'It sounded like a dead toad croaking.'" Everyone laughed for a while.

Huan E said to Jia Wenwu, "Old Wu, when are we going to give him a nickname that's easier to pronounce? Old Wu's nickname just doesn't sound good." Jia Wenwu replied, "Brother, you're right. Why don't we give him one right away?" Tong Zida laughed loudly, looking at Wu He and saying, "Are your eldest and second brothers scolding you?" Jia Wenwu said, "Why are you showing off to your elder brother, Third Brother? What are you saying?"

Tong Zida said, "This is a joke. A man went to a donkey meat shop to buy meat and saw a piece of cooked donkey roe. He asked, 'How much is your donkey penis?' The shopkeeper said, 'You're so stupid. A donkey whip, what kind of penis is that? It sounds so ugly.' The man laughed and said, 'Why would you give a nickname to a penis?' If my eldest and second brothers were to give you a nickname, wouldn't that be comparing you to a penis? Let's call you Wu He Whip." They all laughed for a while and then each drank a few cups.

Tong Zida said to Wu He, "I heard people say that those who make bamboo strips are reincarnations of crickets, who can sing and chat. You can chat, so surely you can sing too? Sing one for us, and we'll all have a big drink." Wu He replied, "I do remember a few songs, but my throat is weak, so I haven't learned them." Huan E said, "What does it matter? It's just for fun. Sing a silly tune, who cares if it's good or not." Jia Wenwu said, "In the past, Wang Bao lived in Qi and was a skilled singer in Hexi. Your father-in-law and mother-in-law were both famous for their singing. How could you not be able to sing? It's not that you can't, but that you choose not to." Tong Zida said, "Here we go again, old man..." "If your mother can sing, then your daughter can sing too. If your daughter can sing, then your son-in-law will naturally be able to sing as well. People say, if you want to know how to sing, sleep with your master. If you sleep with your mother as your master, you'll naturally be able to sing. But you can't pull a donkey by its tail. Don't be modest, just sing." Wu He, being led along by them, could only say, "This junior doesn't know any grand songs, only a few short tunes." Huan E said, "Who cares if it's a big or small tune, as long as it's a tune." Wu He wanted to flatter them, so he said, "This junior will sing 'Splitting Jade' with the 'Three Turns'." Using chopsticks as clappers, he began to sing: "

The green mountains are here, the green waters are here, but my beloved is not here. The wind comes often, the rain comes often, but your letters don't come. Disasters don't harm, illnesses don't harm, but my longing always harms. Spring goes but sorrow doesn't go, flowers bloom but my melancholy doesn't dissipate. The little fish with pink cheeks swim from the upper river to the lower river. Head moves, tail sways, head moves, tail sways, a little golden hook hangs on your cheek." Little darling, you wouldn't stray into muddy waters. The moonlight is white outside the gauze window. Little darling, you change your slippers, oh dear, you're holding your slippers and it's making me so lovesick. Lovesickness is unbearable, I lie on my stomach and can't get up. I toss and turn, tears streaming down my face, so heartbroken. My eyes are brimming with tears, my darling, they're wetting my breasts.

Because he was castrated, he still had a delicate child's voice, and he sang quite beautifully. Huan E said happily, "You can do this? I didn't know. Should we be punished?" Everyone drank a large cup. Wu He said, "This junior's singing is unpleasant to listen to, it has offended the ears of all the gentlemen." Jia Wenwu said, "Brother Wu's song, even if it surpasses the song of the madman Jie Yu of Chu and the song of Confucius, is probably no better than this." Tong Zida said, "Brother Wu, continue the temple performance, give us another one, it has to be a little sassy to be interesting." Wu He sang again:

My dear lover, these past two days your affection for me has been lukewarm, your words often seeming different from before. You come and go so suddenly, I see you're quite distraught. My lover, it must be that someone else has been kind to you, you're just putting on a show for me, caught in a dilemma. My lover, don't try to deny it, it's easy to draw the skin of a tiger but hard to draw its bones, I regret my past actions. I regret my past actions, I was blind to your fickle nature. You fickle nature, you broke your vows of eternal love in an instant. I beat my chest and stamp my feet, God wished I had never existed. My devoted heart has no reward, my good fortune is lonely. I don't blame you for being so heartless, I only blame the bitterness I was born with.

Tong Zi laughed loudly, "Brother Wu, you really sang about an old man with no son." Huan E asked, "How so?" Tong Zi said, "You sang it perfectly." They then drank another cup of wine. Huan'e said, "Alright, let's all drink and joke around. It's unfair to make him sing alone. We'll each sing one song, and those who can't sing, put two chopsticks up to their ears and bray like a donkey three times." Tong Zida said, "Brother, you're not just shaving heads, you're killing people! I know what a song is! I don't even understand it." Huan'e said, "If you can't sing, just bray like a donkey. Who can sing? It's just a joke, just humming along. I'll start by singing a few lines from 'The Courtesan's Contest' about Young Master Wanqi's lake tour." He sang: "

No talent, little learning, but a big eater and drinker. Relying on my father's power, I run rampant and do evil everywhere."

After singing, he said to Jia Wenwu, "Second brother, come here." Wu He said, "I've never heard such a wonderful tune from you, sir. The rhythm and cadence are probably unmatched by any of the famous troupes in the city." Jia Wenwu said, "Since you, elder brother, sing so well, how could I not sing along? Please don't laugh at me. May I sing a piece from *The Story of the Lute* for the exam?" Huan E said, "Whatever, as long as it's a piece, that's fine." He sang: "

What's in your belly? A belly full of filth and stench. If you let it out, everyone who sees it will run away, and give it to the examiners to drink with." [The two of them were each true to themselves.]

Tong Zida said, "Both of you brothers are quite good; I don't know these few lines." Huan E said, "I can't worry about you, hurry up and sing." Tong Zida said, "Do whatever you want, brother, I can't sing." Huan E said, "I told you before, if you can't sing, imitate a donkey's braying." Tong Zida laughed loudly, picked up a pair of chopsticks, held them to his ears, and brayed three times. [Also, he was being true to himself.] Everyone laughed heartily and drank several more cups. Huan E said, "I'll play a drinking game. The jokes I told so far weren't very funny. Now, take a die and roll it, starting with the first person. Whoever it lands on has to tell a joke. If it lands on a single die, tell one joke; if it lands on a two, tell two." Tong Zida said, "For example, if it lands on a six, I could turn my stomach over and still not find those six jokes. That would be a real killer!" Huan E said, "Listen to me. If you tell a good joke that makes people laugh, everyone drinks a cup. If you tell a bad joke that doesn't make people laugh, you have to drink a cup yourself. If you can't tell a joke, you have to drink a whole cup." Tong Zida said, "This is going to be really tough for me. I know I'm going to have to drink all this wine." Huan E called for the dice bowl, drank a cup first, and said, "Drink up!" He picked up a die and threw it down. It landed on a four. He counted to Wu He. [Looking at their seating positions, Huan E, who considered himself the eldest brother, sat facing east. Xi Jia Wenwu sat opposite Tong Zida facing south, with Wu He sitting below.] Huan E said, "Name four." Wu He replied, "I have presumptuously presume." He then said:

A man was extremely poor and prayed fervently every day, beseeching a true immortal to save him from his suffering. One day, his prayers moved an immortal to descend to earth and bestow upon him a coin. The immortal said, "Go to the sea, take this coin, and explode it three times with a loud shout. The sea will dry up several feet. The Dragon King will be anxious and will naturally come to beg you. Whatever treasure you desire, you will have it." The man thanked the immortal, went to the seashore, shouted three times, and indeed, the water dried up several feet. A sea-patrolling yaksha climbed ashore and said, "What business does the immortal have with me, draining my seawater?" He thought, "If it's about treasures, I can't carry too many by myself, and too few are insufficient. Why not take his daughter as my wife? With the Dragon King as my father-in-law, I won't have to worry about not having treasures." So he said, "Because I have no wife, I have come to ask your Dragon King's princess for a marriage proposal. If you don't agree, I have this money; with just a few shouts, I can dry up your seawater completely, leaving your Dragon King's family with nowhere to live. Go quickly and report back." The yaksha hurriedly jumped into the sea and went to the Crystal Palace to report his words to the Dragon King. The Dragon King was anxious and quickly summoned Prime Minister Carp, Strategist Brute, and other ministers to discuss the matter. Strategist Brute said, "We must do this and that, and then we won't be afraid of him." The Dragon King was overjoyed and immediately sent Prime Minister Carp to do so. Upon reaching the shore, he said to the man, "Just now, the Yaksha reported that the Immortal desires the princess in marriage. How dare the Dragon King disobey? However, my princess is a noblewoman, and the Immortal must offer a generous dowry to complete the ceremony." The man replied, "I arrived empty-handed; what do I have to offer as a dowry?" Prime Minister Carp said, "Why need anything else? This coin from the Immortal Elder will suffice as a dowry, and the princess likely brought it with her." The man gladly handed it to him. Prime Minister Carp took it and went into the sea, remaining motionless for half a day. The man yelled "Bang! Bang! Bang!" again, and the yaksha in the sea looked at him and laughed, "You used to have money to 'bang' people around, but now that you're broke, what are you 'banging' for?"

Huan'e and Jia Wenwu both laughed, and Tong Zida said, "Good scolding, good scolding, scolding me for having money to 'bang'!" Wu He said, "How dare I, sir, not take it to heart." Huan'e said, "I was just joking, how could I take it seriously?" He turned to Wu He and said, "Say it again." Wu He continued:

A scholar was writing an essay, humming and hawing, finding it difficult, but he just couldn't finish it. His wife laughed and said, "Is writing an essay harder than raising a child for us?" The scholar said, "Difficult, difficult, difficult. It's easy for you to be born if you're already in the womb, but I'm not born yet, how can it not be difficult to get it out?"

Everyone laughed loudly. Tong Zi laughed loudly and said to Jia Wenwu, "Brother, he's teasing you. Is writing really that difficult for you?" Jia Wenwu replied, "It is indeed difficult, indeed difficult. What he said is true; he wasn't just joking with me." Huan E said, "Let's all have a drink, and let him have one too, to moisten his throat so we can talk more." Everyone drank a cup, and Wu He said:

There was a countryman whose house leaked everywhere, leaving him nowhere to shelter when it rained. In his village, there were tigers and thieves. He had an ox, but he sold it because he was worried about it. One rainy night, he fell asleep and said, "Now I'm not afraid of thieves stealing my ox, nor am I afraid of tigers eating my ox; I'm only afraid of leaks." He kept thinking about this. A tiger was coming to eat his ox when it heard this and thought, "I will eat his ox, and the thieves will steal his ox, yet he's not afraid of leaks. What is this leak? It's so dangerous. I shouldn't be rash; I'll wait and see if I encounter a leak." So he lay down at the entrance of the ox pen and fell asleep without realizing it. Just then, a thief, thinking the ox was still there and intending to steal it, overheard him speaking. He thought to himself, "I'm not afraid of either the tiger or the ox, but I'm afraid of leaks. What exactly is this 'leak'?" Then he thought, "Never mind the leak, I'd better steal the ox as soon as possible." Reaching the ox pen, he saw the yellow tiger sleeping in the shadows, mistaking it for an ox, and gently mounted it, intending to wake it. The tiger suddenly awoke with a start, panicking, "Oh no! This must be a leak!" It carried the tiger and ran wildly up the mountain. Seeing the tiger run, the thief also panicked, "This is what he meant by 'leak'!" He quickly grabbed the tiger's neck, letting it run wild. At dawn, the thief realized it was a large, golden-furred tiger, and he was very worried. The tiger, exhausted from running, leaned against a large tree to rest. The thief quickly climbed the tree. The tiger, seeing the leak was gone, was overjoyed and ran on. Tiger encountered a monkey and asked, "Brother Tiger, why are you running like this?" Tiger replied, "Don't tell me. I went to steal a cow from a family and met a thief. I carried him for half the night, but he climbed up a tree, and that's how I managed to escape." The monkey said, "I've never heard of a 'thief,' but it must be a person." Tiger discussed with him, "Take a kudzu vine, tie one end to my neck and the other to yours, and we'll go see. If you climb the tree and it really is a person, push him down and I'll eat him. I'll find some fresh peaches and other delicious fruits to thank you another day. If it's a thief, wink at me so I can drag you along." The two went to the tree together, and the monkey started climbing. The thief, in his haste, pulled down his pants and urinated, right on the monkey's face. The monkey lowered his head and winked. Tiger, who was looking up at him, saw the monkey winking and exclaimed in horror, "Oh no, it's a thief!" "They dragged him along. After running for several miles, they looked back at the monkey, which was now dead, its mouth agape. The tiger said, 'Monkey, monkey, I'm putting in so much effort, and you're grinning at me with your teeth bared.'

Everyone laughed. Tong Zida suddenly said, 'One stick hit three people, and he's insulted us all, saying we were grinning at him with our teeth bared. Shouldn't we be punished?' Wu He said, 'I didn't mean it. If you insist, sir, I won't say anything more.' Huan E said, 'I'll spare you the punishment. Tell me a joke about bamboo strips.' Wu He said, 'I have one, I have one.'

The old official farted, and a little child next to him said, 'Where did that noise come from?' The bamboo strip shouted, 'Nonsense, utter bullshit!'"
Huan E laughed loudly, "This deserves punishment, this deserves punishment!" Wu He said, "I was just flattering you, but I went too far. I deserve to be punished." He ate a large bowl of dice. Huan E handed the dice bowl to Tong Zida, saying, "It's your turn to roll." He picked it up and said, "Bodhisattva, I hope I don't roll it on myself." He rolled it down, and what was it? He said, "It's alright, it's alright, if it were a five, it would be a trap." He thought for a moment and said, "I remembered one. The other day I heard someone tell a joke, teasing a man who loves playing mahjong."

A man who was afraid of his wife loved playing mahjong. One day he lost money, and someone came to collect it. His wife was angry and made him kneel with a toilet on his head. He said, "Grandma, do I look like I'm carrying meat soup on my head?" His wife was furious, picked up the toilet lid, and hit him on the face. He laughed and said, "Grandma, you're really making things up. How can you buy meat soup with a penny?"

They both laughed for a while. Jia Wenwu, deeply moved, sighed, "The whole world is full of such people; if I am not one of them, then who am I?" No one understood what he meant. Tong Zida brought him a basin, and he threw a pot, laughing, and said:

"There was a scholar who married a woman. One evening, he bowed deeply to his wife and said, 'The rites of the Duke of Zhou must be followed.' His wife, not understanding what he meant, remained silent. He then left. This went on for a month. When she returned home, she told her mother. Her mother said, 'Just say: "Since I serve my husband, I will do as he desires."' The wife remembered her words. The next day, when her husband returned, he bowed and said the same thing. The wife replied with her mother's words, and so on. After a while, the wife found it enjoyable. Without waiting for her husband to bow, she would say, 'Since I serve my husband, I will do as he desires.' Her husband would then have intercourse with her. This happened repeatedly until her husband could no longer perform sexually." He bowed to Yinhu and said, "It's not that I dared to be late, but the horse can't move forward."

Everyone laughed heartily at his refined and literary manner. He handed the basin to Wu He, who quickly stood up to take it, picked up the dice, and said, "Your order is obeyed." [The writing about the character "篾片" is meticulous and not careless at all.] He rolled a two. It was Huan E who said:

A man came back from going out and saw a man sleeping on the bed. He asked his wife, "Where did this man come from?" His wife said, "His wife beat him badly and kicked him out of his home. He has nowhere to stay, so he's borrowing our house to sleep." The man said, "I'm back, where is he sleeping?" His wife said, "He's a guest, so of course he should sleep on the bed. You can sleep on the floor." The man said, "And you?" His wife said, "I'm home, so of course I'll sleep with the guest." The man thought for a moment and then suddenly burst into laughter. The wife asked, "What are you laughing at?" The man replied, "I think this guy got beaten by his wife and came to sleep at my house; he'll probably become a bastard later."

Everyone was laughing when Tong Zida said, "Brother, you're punished with a cup of wine." Huan'e asked, "Why punish me?" Tong Zida said, "People say you shouldn't curse a bald monk. Aren't you afraid Brother Wu will take offense at your joke and think you're teasing him?" Wu He was caught off guard, his face and neck turning bright red. Huan'e laughed, "You talkative one, I didn't mean it." He was punished with a cup of wine and then said, "If

an official is muddle-headed, regardless of the plaintiff or defendant, dragging things out will result in twenty strokes of the cane." His wife said, "Even a prisoner has different punishments; why treat everyone the same? From now on, when you preside over a trial, I'll listen from behind the warm pavilion. When it's time to punish or release someone, turn around and look at my hand gesture." The next day, in court, he presided over a case. Looking back, he saw his wife hold up five fingers and gesture for punishment. He ordered, "Drag him away and give him five strokes of the cane." After he finished, he looked back, and the woman waved her hand, signaling him to stop. He misunderstood and ordered, "Push him to the ground and roll him over." The man had his pants down when he was beaten, and he rolled over, leaving behind a soft, lumpy scrotum. When the woman saw this, she bit her finger. He looked back again and shouted to the bailiffs, "Bite off his scrotum!"

Everyone laughed for a while, then added more delicacies and fruits, drinking and laughing. Huan E smiled and said to Tong Zida, "Your uncle is a Muslim. I have a joke about Hui people, please don't take offense." Tong Zida said, "He's Hui, but I'm not. What does it have to do with me?" Huan E laughed and said:

Hui women's pubic hair is shaved off completely. An old Hui woman called a maid to her room to shave it. The maid saw that her vulva was still full and lovely, and she became aroused. She took it out and thrust it in, pumping wildly. The old woman pretended to say, "Oh dear, what do you mean?" The waiter replied, "Grandma's hair is flat and hard to shave, so I'll straighten it so it's easier to cut." As he spoke, he made it even more forceful. The old woman was quite pleased and hummed, "My brother, you don't need to shave it anymore, this is the right last."

After he said that, everyone laughed for a while. Jia Wenwu asked Tong Zidao, "My good brother must know the details. Is it really true that a woman does this?" Tong Zidao said, "How could you say that? How can you let someone shave that? You can pluck it yourself with tweezers." Jia Wenwu said, "This is a delicate area, wouldn't it hurt if you plucked it?" Tong Zidao said, "It's like plucking a beard, you get used to it and don't feel it anymore." Huan'e laughed and teased him, "When the Hui family's daughter marries into our family, will we still pluck it?" He said, "Why wouldn't we pluck it?" Realizing he had misspoke, he laughed and said, "I don't know, I don't know, don't meddle in other people's business, let's just drink." Huan'e and Jia Wenwu laughed heartily, and he also blushed and chuckled.

After drinking a few more cups, Huan'e said to Tong Zida, "We've sworn brotherhood, so we're like blood brothers. My second brother and I are both officials, one a hereditary scholar and the other a Jinshi (successful candidate in the highest imperial examination). Although you, my virtuous brother, are a lowly official, you're not considered a current official. We need to find someone who is." Tong Zida said, "I'm also interested in that. But thinking about it, if you're an official, you have your father to back you up, so no one will dare to bully you. If you're an official, you have your fellow graduates to help you. [These words are indeed clever.] If I become an official, my superiors will say I'm a rich man, and they'll start eating my fill. My money is like my life; how can I give it away for nothing? Thinking about this, I lose all interest." Huan'e said, "You're right, is this all there is to your life?" Tong Zida said, "That's right. I'm desperately hoping for a son. I'll raise him quickly, send him to school when he's grown up, like my second brother. I'll buy him a Juren (successful candidate in the provincial imperial examination) or Jinshi (successful candidate in the highest imperial examination), and that would be considered a current official." [What a thought!] Huan E said, "Brother, what you're saying is like using leeks to make dumplings—it'll make the filling grow. Your son is still a toddler, and you're already dreaming of becoming a feudal lord. Even if you did become a feudal lord, you wouldn't be a true ruler." Tong Zida said, "That's all I want; I can't do anything else. As the old saying goes, 'It's not that you're worried about not raising him, but that he won't grow.' If you have the ability, you can raise a son, and he'll grow much faster. I remember when I was six or seven, my mother was still holding me and nursing me. [In Huizhou, mothers are called 'milk mothers.'] It feels like just yesterday, and now I'm all grown up, but I just don't have the ability to raise a son." Huan E laughed, "Since you're so eager for a son, take a few more concubines, and naturally you'll have more children." Tong Zida shrank his neck, stuck out his tongue, looked around, and called out "Tong Lu" twice. The Huan family member replied, "He just left." Tong Zida said to Huan E, "Brother, speak seriously. Don't talk to him like this. Fortunately, Tong Lu wasn't here just now. Walls have ears, and if my grandmother finds out, she won't just say you were joking; she'll suspect I said it myself. That would be like being boiled in a bamboo tube—she'd be dead." Huan E smiled and said, "Since you have no son now, you should think of something else." Tong Zida said, "I really can't think of anything, but I regret that I was born at the wrong time. If I had been born more than a thousand years ago, wouldn't things have been better? But I was born at this time, so I can only blame my fate." Huan E asked, "What's the reason for this?" Tong Zida said, "I heard people say that in the Han Dynasty, there was a man named Cui who said he spent several million coins to buy a position called Situ. They said this Situ was very powerful..." "Yes, he's the only one who eats people; no one else dares to eat him. If I were born back then, even if I couldn't afford a house, I'd buy one and try my luck. It would be like opening a big pawnshop; the profits would be more than I could use. [All peddlers throughout history have had this thought.] Wouldn't that be infuriating? But I was born today; how can I not resent my fate?" Huan'e said, "You've chilled my heart with your ambition to become an official. But Heaven has endowed me with talents, and there must be a reason for them to be used. Otherwise, what's the point of creating talented people like us? [No need to worry; there's no reason why such talented individuals wouldn't become officials.] Perhaps we'll be waiting for the time to be sold into the position of Minister of Works. If that happens, my brother and I will undoubtedly become Ministers of Works. If not, we can live a leisurely life in the mountains, becoming reclusive ministers." Jia Wenwu said, "Elder brother's ambition is indeed great. Don't you consider that what is done without being done is Heaven's will, and what arrives without being sought is destiny?" Wu He praised, "What a brilliant idea, a prime minister in the mountains!" Tong Zida said, "Brother's idea is excellent, but the word 'mountain' doesn't fit. We live in the heart of the city, how can we call ourselves 'mountains'? 'City' is more appropriate." Huan'e said, "'City' is fine, but it's too vulgar. 'Village' is more elegant." Tong Zida said, "'Village' is good, but it's too lowly. Would a village tolerate high-ranking officials like us? We need a word that's half vulgar and half elegant." Huan'e said, "Since you say so, please think of such a wonderful word." Tong Zida thought for a while and said, "There's a school next to my pawnshop. I heard the teacher teaching his students a poem. There was a line something about 'falling into the imperial moat,' but I can't remember it right now." Wu He said, "I do remember a line, is it?" Tong Zida said, "Tell me." Wu He said, "Is it 'A leaf falls with the wind into the imperial moat'?" Tong Zida said, "Absolutely! Absolutely! This is strange indeed. You seem to have super hearing. How did you hear the teacher next door teaching poetry?" Xiang Huan'e said, "I heard the teacher say, 'The imperial court is the inner palace. The moat is the inner palace's moat.' Aren't these two words both magnificent and novel? Aren't they wonderful? Let the three of us become prime ministers in the imperial moat. Brother Wu, we'll meet every day. Don't neglect him; invite him to the moat too, and we'll enjoy ourselves every day. Brother, this idea of mine is like three Guanyin temples in a row on the mountaintop." Huan'e said, "What do you mean?" Tong Zida laughed loudly, "That's called a high temple, a high temple, a high temple." Huan'e was overjoyed and said, "You've come up with such a wonderful and novel idea. It's truly ingenious and beyond compare." Jia Wenwu said, "Long..." "Brother, although I would like to serve as your junior minister, my intentions lie elsewhere." Huan E said, "We are good brothers, sharing official positions and riding horses together, so naturally we should be of one mind. Why do you have other intentions, brother?" Jia Wenwu said, "I am already a candidate for the imperial examination. If I am fortunate enough to achieve the highest rank in the imperial examination, wouldn't I be honored?" Tong Zida said, "Brother, that's a good plan indeed. Tomorrow I will also try to become a Juren or Jinshi, just like you, so I can become a top scholar and achieve the highest rank. That would be similar to that of a Minister of Works." Jia Wenwu said, "Brother, your words are wrong! Juren and Jinshi are those who have achieved fame through extensive learning. How can they be bought?" Tong Zida laughed and said, "Brother, we are good brothers, why are you hiding this from me? When you passed the imperial examination, so many people went to the temple to protest and even went to the official's door. I went with them to see." The official got angry and ordered me arrested. I was wearing red shoes, and they mistook me for a scholar and almost took me away. Luckily, someone nearby recognized me and said, "This is Tong Baiwan, a complete illiterate bumpkin. What are you doing with him?" They let me go and I ran home. I wondered how I could remember so clearly? In my panic, I lost one shoe. When I got home, my grandmother suspected I had done something bad outside, like stealing, and that I lost my shoe because I was being chased. She wanted to beat my ankle with a stick. I had to beg repeatedly to explain myself, and she spared the beating but still scolded me for days. I saw it with my own eyes; how could she lie to me? Brother, you spent quite a bit of money buying this scholar's degree. If the price is cheap, and this year is the year of the imperial examinations, if there are any for sale, you're an expert; you could buy one for me. It would make my brother look good and bring you some honor. Wu He said, “Master Tong misunderstood. That year, a scholar surnamed Jia claimed to have bought his way into the imperial examinations, but it wasn’t Master Jia. With Master Jia’s great talent, becoming the top scholar was as easy as picking up a straw, let alone becoming a mere scholar or a metropolitan graduate. The people’s protests and weeping at the temple weren’t for Master Jia.” Jia Wenwu laughed, “That’s true, Tong is so pedantic. Even if it’s like the wife of Qi Liang who cried for her husband, it wasn’t because of me, but for those people.” Huan E said, “Don’t argue, everyone. Whether it’s a genuine scholar or a fake one, it’s still a scholar. [These two sentences are brilliant.] If you argue, you’ll end up with nothing. Let’s stop this idle talk and get back to the main topic. I don’t know who said it in ancient times, but someone said, ‘Without a red skirt, one becomes vulgar.’ At banquets like this, a famous courtesan is needed to amuse and entertain. Otherwise, if you just gulp down the wine like a mouse being fed, you won’t have any interest.” Xiang Wu said, "Only that 'meat clamp' Xia Jin'er is alright. I touched her body and found a few 'bayberries' on her body. I dare not provoke her." Tong Zida said, "Brother, why is she called 'meat clamp'?" Huan E laughed and said, "Her thing is so tight and interesting, and it can lock itself, hence the nickname." Tong Zida said, "I haven't seen many women's things like that. I think they're loose like a leather bag. How can something be so tight? Aren't you afraid it will clamp you in two?" Huan E laughed and said, "That's true. How can it be so tight?" Hearing that there was a reason behind his words, she asked him, "Did you see a woman whose thing was like a leather bag?" Tong Zida had only ever seen his wife's plump vulva, so he didn't think to say it for a moment and laughed and said, "That's just my guess. Don't worry about it." Everyone laughed. Wu He said, "That woman surnamed Yan from Jiangxi is quite pretty. The master only slept with her once, how come he hasn't tried again?" Huan E said, "That wife has quite a background. She's the granddaughter of Yan Shifan, the son of Yan Song, the Grand Secretary of the Ming Dynasty during the Jiajing era. [These two prostitutes were patrons of Yao Zemin. I initially thought they were just two names made up, but here they're mentioned again. The author has a good memory; readers have probably forgotten them. What's even more ingenious is that this is used to insult the Yan family father and son, Luo Longwen, a true example of using the pen to punish the wicked.] Her husband's surname is Luo, and he's Luo Longwen's grandson. He only started working as a prostitute because his family was poor; he was afraid of being laughed at back home, so he came here. She's pretty, but she has a history of metrorrhagia that flares up frequently. I find her somewhat distasteful, so I've turned her away. Apart from these two, I don't find any others appealing." He asked his servants, "Do you know of any famous prostitutes lately?" One servant, named Duosi, [No servant in the Huan family is not meddlesome.] He said, “I haven’t heard of any outstanding prostitutes outside. How could they possibly catch the eye of you gentlemen? There is a blind girl named Qian Gui, who is extremely beautiful and talented. Recently, she has become famous throughout the city. She associates with only wealthy young men and rich men. Even the lowest-ranking men [in a genuine Jiangnan accent] cannot get to her house. But she never goes out. If you gentlemen were to visit her, her house would still be clean.” Jia Wenwu said, “That is indeed true. I have heard of her, but I have never seen her.” Wu He said, “I also know this Qian Gui. She is indeed talented and beautiful. She can be considered a famous courtesan and can accompany you gentlemen.” Jia Wenwu said, “It’s just hearsay.”"It's just hearsay, how could it be true?" Wu He said, "Indeed, it's true. How could I dare lie to you gentlemen?" Huan E said, "Since it's indeed good, when should we bring him over for a bit? Although he never goes out, I'm sure he won't dare refuse once he hears we're coming. To make a proper appearance, I've ordered the Jiaofangsi (Imperial Music Bureau) to send someone to get a woolen chain to put on him; that's easy enough. But there's something I must tell you two brothers: your sister-in-law is indeed quite virtuous, but she has a sharp temper, and I dare not easily provoke her. Am I, a man of integrity, afraid of my wife? Three men can't overcome a single word of reason, and everything she says is reasonable; I have no choice but to obey her. If I rashly bring him over, what if she gets angry? I'll discuss it with her slowly and then decide what to do."

After drinking their fill, the night finally ended. Huan'e, still in high spirits, went to the inner room. Hou Shi, sitting alone with nothing to do, had drunk a few too many cups and was already asleep, though still burning with desire. Seeing her asleep, Huan'e hurriedly undressed and slipped under the covers. He gently parted her legs and thrust in fully, pumping vigorously to please her. Hou Shi, as expected, smiled happily, hooking her arms around his waist and thrusting downwards, thoroughly enjoying herself. Taking advantage of her pleasure, Huan'e, while thrusting, said, "Today, Old Jia and Old Tong said there's a famous blind girl outside, very beautiful, and she can sing all kinds of songs. They said they'd bring her to my house tomorrow for some fun. I'm asking you, is that alright?" Hou Shi, upon hearing this, flew into a rage, pinched him a few times, threw him off his stomach, and fell to her stomach. Hou Shi scrambled up, grabbed his ear, and made him kneel naked on the floor. She cursed, "You damned wretch! Why are you so eager today? You just want to please me and do something so audacious. You have a wife like me, that's enough for you, yet you still want to eat wild delicacies. I'm angry, so I'll bite off your nipple. I've only shown you a little affection these past two days, and you're already trying to openly start a brothel." Huan'e, with a mournful face, said, "You know I always abide by your family rules, I don't even dare to smile or look at the maids, how could I have any selfish intentions to deceive you? That would be deceiving Heaven. This is their good intention, saying that since they've become sworn brothers with me, they have nothing to flatter their elder sister-in-law, so they'd like to have a blind girl sing to entertain you. I was afraid you'd be suspicious, so I didn't agree. They asked me to come and explain beforehand so I could go and receive her. Why are you suspicious and angry with such a kind intention? If I had such a heart, I would say whatever curse you want. The other day you complained that I wasn't affectionate with you, but now that I'm affectionate..." "It's been so hot these past few days, and you've shown me such a frightening face again. How can I not be afraid? Don't say I'm scared stiff; even this iron-hard thing is snotty as you make it look like a giant centipede."

Hou Shi, upon hearing this, turned her anger into delight, pulled him up, and said, "You didn't explain clearly, and you've almost wronged me. You're such a big man, yet you speak so incoherently." She chuckled and grabbed his penis, saying, "You can't blame me for not knowing how to speak. Come on up. Tell them tomorrow that although it's their good intention, this kind of thing is absolutely unacceptable. If it were a blind man, even if you called ten or a hundred, it wouldn't matter. A blind woman is like a prostitute; both are skilled at seducing men, and they won't tolerate anyone coming to their door. Absolutely not. I'm already furious just hearing about it, let alone seeing it." Huan E climbed onto the bed, fearing he was still angry, so he rubbed and kneaded it for a while until his penis became hard again. He tried his best to flatter him, and then they slept side by side, their legs intertwined.

The next day, after breakfast, Jia, Tong, and Wu all arrived. While drinking, Huan'e said, "I told your sister-in-law about Qian Gui last night, and she gave me a stern lecture. She said my father is currently a high-ranking official, [this is a Jiangnan colloquialism, the meaning of 'high-ranking official' is unclear]. How can he accept prostitutes into his home? Although he's blind, people still say things that aren't pleasant, and I'm afraid outsiders will gossip. His words are like a tiger being led by its hair, his reasoning is convincing. He's spouting grand principles that send chills down my spine, leaving me speechless. Otherwise, why not bring her to my second brother's house, and we can all have a good time?" Jia Wenwu, who was drinking, was startled by these words, shivered, and dropped his cup, shattering it. [The previous scene of Wei Ruhu dropping his teacup in fright is mirrored here by Jia Wenwu dropping his wine cup.] He hurriedly said, “If Xi Shi is unclean, everyone will hold their noses and pass by. Even if one sees a crowned man or a blind man, one will still treat them with respect. He is blind, how can one be intimate with him? Moreover, the government is as strict as that of a stern ruler. If he knew, I would die without regret, and I would be afraid of offending you, brother. I fear he would also hang himself in a ditch.” Huan’e said, “We are all so happy, but neither of our families can go. Should we just give up? How about this, the two of us will pay the host’s money, so that my third brother doesn’t have to spend a penny. Let’s take him to his house for a bit. Is that alright?” Tong Zida, hoping to get something extra, readily agreed, saying, “It’s late today, and we’ve all eaten and drunk our fill. If we take him here, we won’t be able to eat anything. Let’s do it tomorrow.” After chatting and laughing for a while, Huan’e said to Jia Wenwu, “Since you say this Qian Gui is talented, second brother, write a few poems tomorrow to scare him.” [How to scare someone with poems? Strange talk and strange ideas.] Jia Wenwu said, "What use is literature to a blind man? With just a few words from you, he will surely be astonished." Wu He said, "If he hears of Master Jia's literary talent, he will naturally be afraid." Everyone sat for a long time, agreeing to gather everything and go to Tong Zida's house the next day before dispersing.

Tong Zida, blinded by greed, forgot the danger posed by his wife. When he got home, he went to his inner room, put on a smiling face, and stood in front of Tie Shi. He told Huan and Jia that they had given money to invite the blind girl Qian Gui to his house to play. [Huan E's words to Hou Shi are detailed here, Tong Zida's words are brief.] Before he could finish speaking, he was caught off guard and slapped across the face by Tie Shi, leaving him with a bloody face and a slight graze to his ear. But Tie Shi's hand was harder than iron, and the blow made Tong Zida's vision blur, his ears ring, and his nose bleed. He shouted, "You useless piece of trash, a drunkard who's good for nothing! You're always drunk, and when you lie down you're like a dead man. You can't do anything proper at night, [you deserve a beating!] You even want to bring that blind old woman to play with you! I know you're tired of living!" Tong Zida was dazed for a while, covering his face with one hand and pinching his nose with the other, and said, "Why would I want to play with her? It's their idea. I just wanted to earn some money for food and drink, so the family could save on firewood and rice. Would I dare to do such a bad thing? If I had those rotten hearts, would I dare to come here? Do you expect me to tell you?" Tie Shi continued to mutter curses for a while before going to sleep. Tong Zida didn't dare to make a sound, washed the blood from his nose, and quietly went to sleep as well.

The next morning, he went to Huan E's house first. Fearing he would be late, everyone went to his house. Just as they sat down, Jia Wenwu arrived with some gold, and Wu He also arrived. Huan E asked Tong Zida, "What happened to what you said last night about bringing Qian Gui over to play? We were just about to go to your house with my second brother, but you've come again." He laughed, "Is it because someone forbade it?" His face flushed red, and he remained silent, fuming. Jia Wenwu laughed, "This is a good thing, why are you so angry, my brother? There must be a reason, don't hide it." Tong Zida said angrily, "You two are afraid of your sister-in-law, so you always make me this old fool. How can you be so heartless? Last night when I went back, I only said one sentence, and my grandmother almost beat me to death with a slap. Today we are two different people, and you still say you're bringing Qian Gui over?" Pointing to his face, he said, "Look at this swelling. I just looked in the mirror, and half of my face is bruised. This is because you two brothers are so kind. Last night, my nose bled so much that I drank two bowls of blood, and I'm still dizzy from the knife." "Knife." Wu He smacked his lips in praise, "The three ladies are all so good at managing the household, not allowing the gentlemen to engage in outside affairs. It's truly rare to find such virtuous wives." Duo Si chimed in from the side, "Since it's not feasible at home, why don't the three gentlemen keep it a secret from the ladies and go to his house? It's cheaper and safer." Huan E said, "That makes sense. I'll treat my third brother to a meal to soothe his pain and calm his nerves." Tong Zida said, "Thank you for your kindness, brother. I'll go, but if anyone asks about my face, don't say that my wife hit me. Just say that I was drunk yesterday and fell out of the sedan chair and ended up like this." Everyone laughed and agreed. Then they straightened their clothes, rode on fat horses, and with servants following, went to the Qian family's house.

Now, after Qian Gui and Zhong Sheng made their vows, he refused to entertain any guests. Hao Shi pressured him several times, but he threatened suicide and vowed never to comply. After his encounter with Yao Zemin, his head and face were badly injured, and he truly looked like he wanted to die. Although Hao Shi treasured Qian Gui, he was still her own daughter, and fearing that pushing him to the brink of death, she had no choice but to let him be. Whenever guests came, he would feign illness and return home. Every night, Qian Gui burned incense and prayed to Heaven, wishing Zhong Sheng success in the autumn examinations and a swift marriage. One day, after a meal, Qian Gui lay wearily in bed when Hao Shi suddenly came and said, "My son, a young eunuch came with two men. He seems to be a wealthy local official. He came to visit you because he admires your reputation. I told him that you are ill in bed and haven't received guests in a long time. But he insists on seeing you and is sitting in the guest seat." Qian Gui said, "I have made up my mind; I would rather die than obey." Hao Shi said, "My son, you don't know that this young eunuch is the first person in the capital to be so powerful and wicked. As for the two men who came with him, I think they are just putting on airs." "He's not a kind or good person either. If you refuse to leave, he might use his power, and my old life will be in your hands. Besides, if he gets angry with that foolish young master and humiliates you, what can you do? It would lower your reputation. You should just say you're sick. They probably won't let you stay overnight, but just sit with him and have a few drinks. That way, you can avoid trouble and also make some money off him. Isn't that a win-win situation? This is also to resolve the conflict between my son and me." She persuaded him repeatedly. Qian Gui thought for a while. He had heard a lot about the foolishness of this young master and was afraid that if he refused too much, it would cause trouble, not only implicating his mother but also humiliating himself. Besides, just sitting with him wouldn't be a problem. Helpless, he sighed and got up. The old woman was overjoyed to see that her daughter agreed. She came out and said, "My daughter is ill and in bed. I only managed to wake her up. After she's washed and dressed, she'll come out to keep you gentlemen company." Having said that, she went to arrange the food and drink. Qian Gui asked the steward to smooth his hair and straighten his clothes. The steward then said, "I just saw those three people. [The character 'Zhang' is clever; if we go out and see them, wouldn't Tong Zida recognize them?] One is my former son-in-law, surnamed Tong. I don't recognize the other two; they're both ridiculously fat and clumsy. Compared to Master Zhong, they're like little devils. I won't help the young lady out; I'm afraid he'll recognize her. Call Cai Xiang here." Qian Gui nodded, and the steward went to call Cai Xiang.

Qian Gui feigned illness, and Cai Xiang helped him out. He bowed several times to the gods. The crowd asked him to sit down, and Wu Hexian said, “The three gentlemen are the famous Lord Huan, the scholar-official Lord Jia, and the wealthy Lord Tong, all prominent local officials. They have come to visit because they admire Qian Niang.” Huan E said, “Old Wu, she is indeed beautiful. Much better than the prostitutes in those brothels; her reputation is well-deserved.” Wu Hexian replied, “How could I lie? Many people praise Qian Niang; everyone who sees her speaks highly of her. I’ve heard it all before. Today, thanks to the three gentlemen’s kindness in bringing her here, I am truly fortunate to see her beauty.” Tong Zi laughed heartily. He said, "A pearl without eyes! My blind treasure is so beautiful. My lustful desire has been aroused, and my face is burning." Jia Wenwu said, "A gentleman without gravity is not dignified. Why is my brother so disrespectful? He doesn't know that Qian Gu, the beautiful woman, is blind. No wonder you are like this." Huan E instructed his servants, "Give the madam a silver ingot and tell her to quickly prepare wine and food for us to eat." Qian Gui had already heard the clerk say that the three of them were ugly. Now, hearing Huan and Tong speak so vulgarly, and Jia Jinshi pretending to be learned, spouting classical phrases, he thought of Zhong Sheng's refined and elegant manner and became even more unhappy, but remained silent. Four lines describe his feelings: "

Refined intentions meet true talent, but unfortunately, they encounter vulgar people.
Heartbroken tears flow in secret, how can sorrow and resentment be stopped?

" Before long, wine and food were brought out. Hao Shi came out and arranged seats for everyone, offering each person two cups. Seeing Qian Gui's furrowed brows and silent demeanor, Jia Wenwu said, "I've long heard of Qian Niang's exceptional beauty and talent; she's truly an extraordinary person. I've come to visit her. Why not offer a smile? As the saying goes, 'If one person is unhappy, the whole room will be unhappy.'" Tong Zida ordered his servants, "Take away the bowl of fish in front of Qian Gu." Huan E asked, "Why?" Tong Zida replied, "Second Brother said, 'If one person is unhappy, the whole room will be unhappy.' Why not remove it so everyone can have some fun?" Jia Wenwu laughed, "What my foolish brother said refers to the corner of a corner, not the fish itself. My brother is mistaken." Wu He said, "Master Jia is truly..." "Master Tong is a teacher of a single word." Tong Zida said, "Brother Wu, I misspoke, and you're even more wrong. I misspoke the word 'fish,' how can you say 'a teacher of a single word'? Does anyone call fish meat 'one piece of meat'?" Huan E said, "Put away your idle talk and get down to business. I've long heard that Aunt Qian plays the pipa exquisitely, and her tunes are even more wonderful. I'd like to ask you to play a piece like this to satisfy my longing." Qian Gui said, "Thank you for your praise. But my body is weak and I cannot perform." Wu He said, "Mrs. Qian, don't be so modest. You've failed the master's kind intentions." He then asked for the pipa and brought it over. Qian Gui couldn't refuse, so he said, "I don't want the pipa. I'll sing a tune for you gentlemen." At this moment, he missed Zhong Sheng and disliked the three of them. Feeling moved, he casually composed a tune called "Ugly Slave," and sang: [The tune name is wonderful.]

In the boudoir, we drink together, friends gather, and sing poems in a secluded style. They sang new lyrics softly, dice were rolled to urge the jade cup to drink. Encountering the arrogant air of a vulgar fellow, he spouted nonsense. Feigning ignorance, he stumbled and fell, regretting it too late.

The melody was melodious, chopsticks were used as clappers. After the song, the three of them didn't understand the meaning of the lyrics. Huan'e kept nodding and praising, "Well sung, well sung!" The arrogant boy leaned back in his chair and said, "Oh dear, oh dear, my whole body is tingling." Jia Wenwu said, "Judging from your demeanor, Third Brother, it's truly lewd. Even I, a great sage, would not taste meat for three months. Brother, you've listened to the music to this extent, you must be a kindred spirit, do you also understand the beauty of this song?" The arrogant boy laughed, "I'm happy to hear Aunt Qian sing so sweetly. But I don't understand a single word, how can I be a kindred spirit? I often stand at the gate at home and listen to those children sing a few lines..." "Well, I'm a kindred spirit then. I've heard it countless times and memorized it." Huan'e said, "Brother, since you've learned it, why not sing it for Aunt Qian, as a starting point?" Tong Zi laughed loudly, "I'm afraid she'll laugh at me if I sing it badly." Huan'e said, "It doesn't matter. We're just having fun. What will she laugh at?" Tong Zi said, "Since you say so, I'll sit on the Drum Tower and fall right down to the North Gate Bridge. My face won't even smudge, and I'll even find a big coin." Huan'e said, "What do you mean by that?" Tong Zi laughed loudly, "Don't you understand this slang? It's called 'Old face makes a fortune.' Listen to my song."

Girl, girl, you're pretty, wearing a skeletal hat. You pull a bunch of straw around your waist, and your baby is crying inside. When you meet a big cock, it fucks you so hard your head is sticking up.

Everyone burst into laughter, and Qian Gui couldn't help but smile too. Wu He said, "Since Qian Niang isn't feeling well, why don't you play a drinking game and have a cup of wine?" Huan E said, "That makes sense, Aunt Qian, please play the game." Qian Gui said, "I've never played a drinking game before, so please, gentlemen, do it." Jia Wenwu said, "If you don't know the game, you can't be a gentleman. How can you play without a game when you're feeling unwell? Your Majesty, please give the game quickly, it would be best if Aunt Qian played it." Qian Gui declined several times. Huan E said, “If you want me to do it, you have to obey. If you don’t, you’ll be punished with a hundred cups. My order is that everyone strip naked, each person has a bowl of wine, and we’ll take turns drinking. Can you obey or not? If you can’t, then you have to do it.” Tong Zida said, “Brother, this order is quite interesting. Qian Gu, you can do it.” Jia Wenwu ordered everyone to pour a cup of wine and handed it to Qian Gui, saying, “If you don’t have talent, you can’t be happy. You can start with poetry, otherwise you have to drink.” Qian Gui found their manners and conversation quite amusing, so he said, “Since I’ve obeyed your order, I’m being presumptuous.” He then said, “This order requires a line from an ancient poem, the first character of which must be ‘dong’ (洞).” He then said, “Dong…” "Even peach blossoms laugh at people." Tong Zida, upon hearing this, stuck out his tongue and said, "A living murderer, what a cruel order! This is all Second Brother's fault; he should just have a few drinks. What's the point of poetry? Poetry has produced such an order; I wonder where we'll find a hole for this?" He then laughed and said, "Qian Gu really can't stop talking about her profession. Your bastard knows how to burrow into holes, but where do we get our holes?" Wu He said, "I apologize in advance; I am not part of the order. Gentlemen, if you have wine, I am willing to drink with you." Huan E said, "That's fine, but you can't refuse to drink. If you refuse to drink, you're Qian Gu's old bastard." Jia Wenwu said, "Can we talk about this without regard to order?" "I fear those who speak of advanced things are merely savages." Qian Gui said, "What harm is there?" Jia Wenwu said, "Since that's the case, I will tell you. 'Immortals playing chess in a cave.'" Huan E said, "You've already said one of my best lines." Wu He praised, "What a wonderful line, 'Immortals playing chess in a cave,' how imaginative and elegant!" Qian Gui asked, "May I ask where this poem comes from?" Jia Wenwu said, "It's ancient, not modern. Aunt Qian, you are well-versed in literature; how could a modern person have written this poem?" Qian Gui asked, "Since it's an ancient poem, who wrote it? In which collection of poems?" Jia Wenwu said, "Since the Tang and Song dynasties, there have been many who have been called masters of poetry, but this one is..." "I've forgotten. If you say it's from some book, the more you ask, the more laughable it becomes. I come from a family of scholars, with countless poems, child prodigies' poems, Tang poems, ancient poems, and many anonymous poems piled up on several floors. How could I possibly remember which book they're from?" Qian Gui, hearing his utter nonsense, had no energy to argue with him, so he said, "Since you say there's such a poem among the ancients, I'll allow you to skip the drink." Huan E said, "I also have one, but it's only five characters. Is that alright?" Qian Gui said, "As long as it has a source, five or seven characters don't matter." Huan E said, "Dong dong dong dong dong, how about this line?" [Foolish Huan E, why not add two more characters, and it will be seven characters.] Wu He said, "Ancient poets rarely wrote poems with repeated characters. I remember two lines by Scholar Xie: 'Spring, spring, spring, spring, spring, spring, spring, flying rocks and crevices spewing dragon's saliva.' I thought I'd never heard of such a line again, but today, Your Excellency remembers this fine one." Huan E said, "That's no lie; it really was me who came up with it." Qian Gui asked, "Where did this line come from?" Huan E replied, "It came from my own mind." Qian Gui said, "You said you wanted an ancient poem, but this is fabricated. You're fined a large goblet." Huan E said anxiously, "This line is very ancient; it was written before Pangu separated heaven and earth..." "Yes, the seven springs that Scholar Jie mentioned flowed from these five caves of mine." He then looked at Jia Wenwu and said, "Brother, do you remember? This poem was written by the person who played chess with you first. I saw it in your poetry collection the other day, and because I found it so remarkable, I memorized it. I just remembered it recently. If Aunt Qian doesn't believe me, she'll find it in that book of poems and bring it to you another day. If I'm lying, I'll swear a great oath." Seeing his anxiety, Qian Gui smiled and said, "Since it's an ancient work, I'll refrain from drinking." Huan E asked the boy, "Brother, please tell me quickly..." "No matter what ancient poem it is, just say one line, why make it so difficult?" Tong Zida said, "I've racked my brains, but I still can't find a way. Please, Aunt Qian, be lenient, whatever you say, as long as it makes sense." Wu He said, "Drinking is supposed to be enjoyable, being too demanding will ruin the fun. Please, Aunt Qian, be more accommodating." Qian Gui said, "In that case, we'll do as you wish." Tong Zida thought for a while, then smiled and said, "I've figured it out too." He said, "Brother, isn't this line wonderful? Is it another one without a classical allusion? I heard that the partridge is like this..." "That's how it's called." Qian Gui laughed, "There is a classic, but the hole isn't on the head, so I'll be punished with a cup. If we're talking about the word 'movement,' it should be three cups. But I'll only punish you with one cup, two cups in total, please enjoy." The servant poured the wine, and Tong Zida drank it, saying, "Aunt Qian, you said the word 'hole' isn't on the head, so I'll just drink this cup. But tell me, what is a hole on the head?" He laughed for a while, then said, "If you say the word 'movement' is wrong, are there two 'movements'? Fine, I'll be punished, but I feel a bit wronged." As he spoke, he poured the cup of wine into his mouth. Suddenly he laughed, choked on the wine, and sprayed it all over everyone's faces and bodies, even the table. Huan E said, "What did you remember that's so funny? You've sprayed wine everywhere." Tong Zida coughed for a while before laughing and saying, "Just now, Aunt Qian said there are two 'holes' in the character for 'hole,' and I didn't believe it. But now that I'm drinking, it's true. The two holes under a woman's buttocks, one flat and one round, aren't they different? That's why it's funny." This made everyone burst into laughter. Even Qian Gui couldn't help but laugh at his rustic manner. He drank two cups, and Wu He also drank with him. [No omissions] After the

order was given, Huan'e said, "Qian Gu, come again." Qian Gui said, "I've already taken my turn, so it's natural for you gentlemen to go ahead." Huan'e said, "You've already taken your father's turn, why be so modest? Good things come in pairs, so let's make it easier." Qian Gui then said, "This time I need two lines of poetry, ending with the character 'east'." He then said, "Even the ants know the joy of spring, dragging petals over the east wall." Huan'e shook his head and said, "This is even more difficult." Jia Wenwu said, "Are there many poems like this? Brother, try to think of one." Huan'e said, "My dear brother has..." "Is that all?" Jia Wenwu said, "I've memorized it for a long time. Let me tell you, brother, and see if it's wonderful." He then said, "The eight scholars of Wenchang are together, and the phoenix terrace rises in the east." Huan'e laughed and said, "Wonderful, wonderful, what a quick wit!" Wu He said, "Master Jia, you answered without hesitation, just like a pre-existing composition, so quickly, truly a genius." Qian Gui said, "May I ask the origin of this poem?" Upon hearing this, Jia Wenwu lowered his face and said, "Aunt Qian, don't think I'm being frivolous. How many poems can you remember? We are famous people, where don't we remember some poems and essays?" "In my belly?" These two lines are the concluding lines of a painting copied by a relative. I have more than five cartloads of poems in my belly; how could I deceive you with something without any basis? If you don't believe me, I'll borrow it for you to see. I dare not present poems that are not from the ancients to anyone." Qian Gui said, "The five characters 'Fengtai Lu Qidong' are probably the place name and personal name of the signatory; they are definitely not from the poem." Jia Wenwu said, "Alas! Aunt Qian, to know what you know and to know what you don't know is true knowledge. I have heard that in ancient times, the greatest poets were all called Li Bai and Du Fu. Have you not heard of Li Bai?" "Is this a mockery of Du Fu's poetry? There's a saying: '

I met Du Fu before Fanke Mountain, wearing a straw hat at midday.
Where did he come from, so thin and frail? It's all because of the hardships he endured writing poetry.

' Isn't this first line a place name or a person's name? But is this just a signature, not a poem? Since you don't know it, why pretend to know it?" Wu He said, "Remembering the poem is already remarkable, but remembering so many sources and stories is even more amazing. I've heard that there was a Wang Anshi in the Song Dynasty with a good memory; even he probably couldn't surpass Master Jia." Qian Gui, hearing Jia Wenwu's nonsensical and laughable words, didn't refute him anymore. It turned out that there was a reason for Jia Wenwu's mention of these two lines. He had once seen a large scroll of calligraphy hanging in a relative's house, written by Lu Qidong, a famous scholar from Nanjing. The poem was a seven-character regulated verse, and the last line was "All the same as the eight Wenchang scholars." He lived in Fenghuangtai, hence the name Fenghuangtai Lu Qidong. Because the paper was short, these five characters were connected to the previous poem. Jia Wenwu took these five characters as the concluding phrase, and instead removed two characters from the preceding phrase, reciting it as "Wenchang Bazuo Tong, Fengtai Luqi Dong." This was not something he had fabricated.

Huan E laughed and said, "What a stroke of luck! What a stroke of luck! I've figured it out too!" Jia Wenwu said, "What do you think? Are you sure what you mean by 'many' is correct?" Huan E said, "It means north and south, west and east." Wu He praised, "It's getting more and more amazing! Master Jia's is already wonderful, but Master's is even more wonderful. Just six characters, yet it encompasses all directions, containing so much meaning." Qian Gui asked with a smile, "Although it doesn't violate the rules, how can these two lines be considered poetry?" Huan E said, "You can't be blamed for that. Although it's not poetry, it's from the classics that I've collected and passed down in my household. I heard people say that Confucius edited..." There is a book called the *Classic of Poetry*. The two characters are linked together, showing that poetry is the classic, and the classic is poetry. My great-grandfather, who is now a high-ranking official in the court, passed the imperial examinations using this very book. From a young age, when I started school, we hired a renowned scholar to tutor me, and it took me seven or eight years to master it. This book covers everything under the heavens and the earth, from ancient times to the present, and cannot possibly contain all that. Since reading this book, I feel I have gained a profound understanding; any other books I read later seem shallow in their literary merit.” The boy exclaimed, “Good brother, with such a good book, won’t you lend it to me?” Huan E said, "This scripture is a treasured heirloom, not meant to be seen by others. Since you wish to see it, I'll lend it to you another day, but you must never pass it on to anyone else." Tong Zida said, "I've read half of the 'Hundred Family Surnames' since I was a child, and kept it as a family heirloom. I had no idea such a rare book existed! Brother Cheng is so kind as to lend it to me; am I really a fool? [The word 'truly' is apt, implying I don't even believe myself to be a fool.] Would I really lend it to someone else?" Wu He, wanting to flatter Huan E, pretended not to know and deliberately sighed, saying, "Such a fine book, we, a humble family, will likely never see it in our lifetime." Qian Gui couldn't help but smile and ask Huan E: "May I ask what the name of this scripture is?" Huan'e lowered his head and thought for a while, then counted on his fingers, saying, "It's not the Diamond Sutra, the Guanyin Sutra, the Daughter Sutra, the Prostitute Sutra, the Gambling Sutra, or the Cricket Sutra. The two characters of this scripture's name are very strange; I'm usually very familiar with it, but I just can't remember it today." He then thought, "I vaguely remember the first two characters being 'ren zhi,' so it must be the 'Ren Zhi Jing' (Scripture of Man)." He then asked Jia Wenwu, "You are a talented scholar; have you ever seen this scripture?" Jia Wenwu replied, "This is a three-character scripture." [If it is the Three Character Classic, every child who begins their education has read it. If there is indeed a three-character scripture, I have never seen it either; it is no wonder that Huan'e considers it a secret treasure.] Huan'e was overjoyed and slammed her hand on the table, exclaiming, "Yes, yes, yes! Excellent memory! Does your family also have such a fine book?" Jia Wenwu replied, "Yes." Huan'e said, "I think such a treasure is naturally something only our great official family and you, a talented scholar, possess; I doubt anyone else has it." Qian Gui laughed, "Such a rare book may be plentiful throughout the world. Since it's said to be a family treasure, it must be considered a rare book. But it's not poetry after all, so you should be punished with a cup of wine." Huan'e said, "As I said before, although the Book of Poetry isn't poetry, it is a classic, so it can be considered poetry. Considering it's a rare book, let's forgive it." Wu He said, "The master has said such wonderful things, and Miss Qian has gained a lot of wonderful knowledge; let's allow it." That’s it. Qian Gui just smiled and said, "Master Tong, please tell me." Tong Zidao said: "I have one thing to say, I'm afraid it's not good and you will be punished again." "Qian Gui said: "Please tell me, if it is suitable, then let it go. If it is not suitable, you will be exempted from punishment. How about that? Tong Zidao said, "You go west and I go east, is that appropriate?" Qian Gui said: "The calligraphy is quite good." This is rhetoric and does not count. Besides, there should only be two sentences, why only one? Don't talk about immunity. Tong Zidao said: "It doesn't matter if you kill me, you can't have anything in this life." I'll be fined a few cups, and I'm willing to take the punishment. Qian Gui said: "If you have no poems, you should be punished with three cups of wine." Because it's sincerity, just use one cup. "Tong Zida ate it in anger. The official said: "You are a good brother and a great talent. You usually have a lot of poems in your stomach. Why don't you say it and would rather drink wine? Tong Zidao said: "There are so many poems in my stomach, but I can't get them out easily for a while." What's more, you don't eat the free wine and just fill your belly to look for "something". "[The humiliating old man said: Datong Datong." Wu He said, "Master is talking about drinking and reciting poetry. Everyone should enjoy themselves. Why be so strict?" Huan E said, "Qian Gu, let's start another game." Qian Gui said, "How can one person play three games?" Huan E said, "If you can't, then follow my first game." Tong Zida said, "You little sparrow, just take pity on me. I'll play an easier one." Huan E said, "What do you mean by 'little sparrow'?" Tong Zida laughed loudly, "This is my way of flattering Qian Gui. 'Little sparrow' means 'heartless'." Everyone laughed. Qian Gui said, "Master Tong is a unicorn." Tong Zida said, "What do you mean?" Wu He, fearing his words might be inaccurate, quickly interjected, "A unicorn is full of treasures. This is also Qian Gui flattering you, Master, as a wealthy man." He then said, "Qian Niang, please start the game. The gentlemen are waiting." [Truly a clever trick, everyone is flattered. Even Qian Gui is flattered.] Qian Gui understood and said nothing more. He said, "Let's do as Master Tong says, it'll be easier. Just say five words, no matter who's older or younger, just include the word 'commoner'." So he said, "No commoners come and go." Everyone thought for a while, but Jia Wenwu couldn't come up with anything either. Fearing people would laugh at him, he said, "Pleasure should not be insatiable, desire should not be excessive, let's stop drinking. Brother, please stay here for the night, we brothers can leave when we feel like it." Tong said to himself, "Today it's the eldest brother's turn to sleep, tomorrow it's the second brother's turn, and the day after tomorrow it's my turn. How am I supposed to get through these two nights? Let's brothers fight Lu Bu three times over!" [This is what was painted on his family's screen, so I remember it.] Qian Gui said, "I should have kept you, but I am slightly unwell and unclean, and I would offend you gentlemen." Huan E said, "Since that's the case, let's go back and visit again another day." Tong Zida said, "Brother, you're just like a dog biting its bladder in vain. It's better if we all go back together, so I don't have to suffer from eye irritation." Jia Wenwu said, "I have never seen anyone who loves virtue as much as someone who loves beauty. Let's go." They all laughed. The family lit lanterns and rushed off. It was just like: "

The fairy flower is out of reach, how laughable is the madman's shameless boasting. She
is like a lotus, unstained by mud, what does it matter if she is charming and clever but foolish?

" As for what happened to the others, let's leave that aside for now. Now, let's talk about You Hun Gong. After leaving the Huan family, he lost his brothel and opened a small, unruly school. After tricking the Long family boy into becoming a homosexual, he was beaten by his father and became completely immoral. Everyone knows that his mind is supposed to be open to all six senses, but he is completely ignorant. Why would any student nominally studying at the Huan family come to invite him? With nothing to do, he relied on his stiff turban to act arbitrarily in the village and control the local government. He would eagerly participate in any money-making scheme, no matter how vicious or shameless.

His wife, Hua, had died early; she was originally the lover of a gang leader. A gang leader was a respectful title for a beggar's head. His father had also been a beggar, but after saving a few coins, he rented three rooms to house homeless beggars, charging them three coins a day. After several years, he had some savings. He bought several rooms, collected feathers from various chicken and goose shops, dried them, and spread them a foot thick inside his rooms, attracting beggars from all over to stay at his house. Sleeping among the feathers every night was more comfortable than sleeping on a bed. However, on rainy days when they couldn't beg for food, they would eat at his house, paying him a few coins each day called "chicken feather money." If it's not enough today, it must be made up for tomorrow; not a single penny can be shortchanged. As the saying goes, "He who eats his bowl must obey his command." These beggars all depended on him, letting him boss them around without daring to disobey. He acted as if he were the master of the house. Accumulating wealth over ten years,

he amassed several hundred taels of gold. He openly wore fine cloth robes and ate minced meat, becoming a wealthy man among the beggars, and the other beggars respected him as their leader. He had no sons, only a daughter. Strangely enough, despite his lameness, hunchback, one-eyed, and crooked hands, his daughter was not the most beautiful among beggars, but rather quite lovely. He was a local gentry among the beggars and wanted to choose a scholar's son as his son-in-law. He sought help from many matchmakers, promising generous rewards upon success, and inquired which respectable family would be willing to take in this beggar father-in-law. Seeing no one willing, he offered them bribes. The matchmaker said, "If anyone is willing to agree to the marriage, in addition to the dowry, two hundred taels of silver will be given as a dowry." Upon hearing this, You Hun Gong, who was already thirty years old and whose young son was still motherless, decided to become the son-in-law of this old woman. When the matchmaker went to speak with her, the old woman was suspicious, wondering if he was from a respectable family. After careful questioning, she learned that his grandfather had been a scholar, and that he himself had some education, so she agreed to the marriage. This old woman was very considerate of her son-in-law, knowing his poverty, and not only did she not require a dowry, but she also gave him twenty taels of silver for clothing and food expenses. When the bride arrived, although her dowry was not extravagant, it included all the necessary items such as chests, cabinets, and bedding, and indeed, there were two hundred taels of fine silk in the chest. You Hun Gong was overjoyed, not only gaining a beautiful woman but also a lot of money. However, there was one problem: on the wedding night, You Hun Gong still thought she was a virgin, wasting all his efforts. Who knew that what he possessed wasn't just a budding flower, but a fully bloomed one. Although You Hungong had never married, he had slept with countless prostitutes. Seeing that Hua's possession resembled that of the prostitutes, he sighed repeatedly, "Oh dear, how can it be like this?" But Hua, more shrewd, retorted angrily, "Do you think I'm a broken pot? If you don't want me, just send me back. With someone like me and this dowry, I'm not afraid of not finding a husband." You Hungong quickly smiled ingratiatingly, "I was just praising your treasure for being so interesting. Before I finished speaking, you became suspicious." He flattered her profusely before finally going to sleep.

When Hua was still at home, what did a beggar like her know about the proper decorum of a woman's household? Her uncle's son often visited, staying for ten days or half a month at a time. The two had been close for a long time, and her parents were unaware of any taboos. Fortunately, she was still unborn, a stroke of good fortune for You Hun Gong. Now that You Hun Gong had money, he not only sought to bring honor to his family but also wanted to compete with his father-in-law. At that time, there was a system of purchasing a scholar's degree, and he spent over a hundred taels of silver to become one, openly showing off his wealth at his father-in-law's house in a blue robe and turban. Old Master Hua, seeing this promising son-in-law, revered him like a god and gave him several dozen taels of silver for the wedding banquet.

A year later, Hua gave birth to a son, whom You Hun Gong named You Xia Liu, meaning someone like Zi You and Zi Xia. Hua had only been married to You Hun Gong for five years when she fell ill and died. You Xia was still young, and with no one to care for him at home, he was sent to be raised by his father-in-law, Old Master Hua. When he turned thirteen, the old couple, Hua and his wife, passed away. He had already adopted his nephew as heir, and You Hungong then brought his son back.

You Hungong had long wanted to remarry, but fearing the expense, he hoped to find a widow from the Hua family who would marry him for free. How could such a coincidence happen? Thus, he remained a widower for over ten years. Now in his fifties, he was still lustful and frequently engaged in illicit activities, such as climbing over walls and hiding in holes. He was often humiliated, but he was shameless, saying, "Losing a tooth while throwing a shuttle is not a loss of a scholar's elegance; what harm is there?"

In the brothels of Nanjing, the daytime name of a meeting place was "nailing." When he had nothing to do, he would often wander around the brothels, and if he saw any decent-looking prostitutes, he would definitely "nail" them. When they asked him for money, he would say, "I am a scholar, and according to the decree of the Taizu Emperor, I am exempt from paying a penny." This was ridiculously absurd. These prostitutes knew he was a troublesome scholar, so who dared to offend him? Besides, nothing had been damaged by the nails, so they had no choice but to swallow their anger and let him nail them in vain. Later, when the prostitutes saw him, they all called him a "commoner scholar." He was not ashamed at all; on the contrary, he was quite pleased with himself and told others about it, finding it amusing. He did something even more ridiculous and unexpected. One night, he went to a brothel. When they got into bed, he had intercourse with the prostitute once. After resting for a while, he asked the prostitute to spit water on him. A little while later, he and the prostitute embraced side-by-side and had intercourse again. After sleeping for a short time, he asked the prostitute to dance on him again. The next morning, he demanded payment for his services. He said, "The first time I took advantage of you, the second time you took advantage of me, the third time it wasn't even a fair exchange, and the fourth time you took advantage of me again. Logically, you should give me money for the first time. I didn't ask you because you're a scoundrel, so why are you asking me?" The prostitute was somewhat afraid of him and let him leave for free, but he still cursed and gossiped about him behind his back. So his reputation was known to everyone. Later, Emperor Wenzong found out about his misdeeds, had him beaten with a board, and stripped of his clothes. The humiliation was secondary; losing his capital for deception caused him to suffer a severe attack, a carbuncle on his back, and he fell into bed.

His son, You Xialiu, was also twenty years old. He had seen his father's actions and was even more despicable than his father. He would do anything vulgar. He gambled whenever he had money, frequented brothels whenever he had cash, and loved any male prostitute he saw. If he had no money, he was willing to exchange his buttocks for it. Yet he was also incredibly cunning and treacherous, possessing a silver tongue and a sharp wit that left no room for argument. Even when others were clearly in the right, his words would render them utterly devoid of reason and humanity. When he himself committed the most despicable acts, he would lavish praise upon them, elevating them to the status of saints and sages. If he took money from someone and they demanded it back, he would rebuke them, saying, "Money is like dirt, but righteousness is worth a thousand pieces of gold. Friendship is about sharing wealth; even fine horses and luxurious furs can be shared with friends, let alone small things! I'm not refusing to return it, but rather testing your character; indeed, a petty person remains a petty person." However, if someone owed him even a single coin, he would fight tooth and nail to get it back. He then offered a clever excuse, saying, "Why would I care about a single penny? This is precisely how I teach you to be a good person. As the ancients said, 'A true man is clear about his finances.' Besides, who doesn't have urgent needs? If you repay me now, you won't break your promise, and we can be lenient next time. I will never break my promise again in my life. The sage said, 'A people without trust cannot stand.' This is the most important thing." If he borrowed money from someone, and that person said, "You're honest but not honest about money. You should at least keep track of the amount so you won't try to cheat me later," he would scold that person, "How much money could it be? Why are you so stingy? Even if a friend is short of money, it's only a small matter." He always made sure to keep track of the amount borrowed from him in person. Some people would say, "Why don't you keep track of the amount you borrow from others, but you do when others borrow from you?" He would say, "I'm not keeping track for you. I'm just keeping track of the amount so I can check it." In everything he did, he always found fault with himself and everyone else with themselves.

When someone mentioned homosexuality, he would sternly retort, "For a man to engage in such debauchery, not only is it shameful to one's relatives and friends, but even within one's own family, how can one face one's parents and brothers today? How can one face one's wife and children in the future? Even if others don't know, shouldn't one feel ashamed? These people are worse than dogs and pigs; mentioning them would only sully my face." Some, knowing he was also a member of the Mao group, didn't dare to openly criticize him, but instead used veiled insults. He then launched into a long and eloquent discourse: "Murong Chong became emperor because of homosexuality, Dong Xian became prime minister because of homosexuality, Chen Zigao became empress because of homosexuality, and Mi Zixia, a relative of the virtuous Zilu, was still a favorite minister of the ruler of Wei. Today, many men in official robes do the same; it's all just a game, what harm is there?" His clever attempts to cover up his wrongdoings are too numerous to mention; he was truly a hypocrite, a despicable beast. When

he was four or five years old, You Hungong arranged for him to marry the daughter of Bu Tong. The fact that these two men were betrothed was quite a joke, actually. Although they lived in the same city, attended the same school, and both frequented government offices, they had never met. At that time, a wealthy man was involved in a legal matter and had gathered dozens of his friends from the academy who were also accustomed to dealing with government offices as witnesses. After the matter was settled, a banquet was held to express gratitude. At the head of the table, it so happened that You Hungong, Bu Tong, and three others, including Ji Deqing, were seated together. This Ji Deqing was the brother-in-law of Zhong Wuren, the son of Zhong Qu. [Ji Deqing's name is derived in this way.] The three men sat drinking and exchanged names. Bu Tong kept looking at You Hun Gong, and You Hun Gong kept looking at Bu Tong. After a while, You Hun Gong couldn't help but ask, "Brother, although we are both studying, we have never met. Yet you look very familiar, as if I have seen you somewhere before, but I can't remember where." Bu Tong said, "That's right. Brother, you also have a very familiar face. I can't remember where we met before, so I kept looking at your face just now. I suppose it's because we have long heard of each other and have a mutual understanding." Ji Deqing smiled and said, "I do remember where we met, brothers." The two hurriedly asked, "May I ask, elder brother, where did we meet?" Ji Deqing said, "I'm afraid you would be offended if I told you, so I dared not speak." The two said in unison, "What's the harm? Please enlighten me, brother." Ji Deqing smiled and said, "When the Grand Master was disciplining us last time, you two were both wronged. We probably met there." It turned out that You Hun Gong and Bu Tong had both been punished with a fourth-class grade the day before. They met by chance, so they couldn't remember each other at the moment. Now, reminded by Ji Deqing, they suddenly remembered. You Hun Gong said, "Ah." Bu Tong also said, "Yes." They sighed twice, then smiled slightly. Bu Tong said, "I'm fine, but you, brother, have long been renowned in the literary arena. Why were you treated poorly on your work the other day?" You Hun Gong said, "Don't mention it. The other day, I had to go in because of an eye ailment. My eyes were blurry, so I wrote the characters too large. The examiner said my characters were outside the designated area, so he gave it a fourth-class grade. May I ask why your excellent work was given such a low grade?" Bu Tong said, "I heard that the new examiner is a young scholar who greatly admires novel writing. I used an unconventional approach to the topic, hoping to write a novel piece and win first place. I didn't expect it to backfire. The examiner said my writing was outside the designated area, so he also gave it a fourth-class grade." He sighed deeply, "Alas."

If only he had known it wouldn't be to the liking of the people, he would have bought more rouge to paint peonies.

The two chatted for a while longer, asking about each other's families, and their friendship grew very strong. Upon hearing that the two men each had children, Ji Deqing said, "Brothers, you two seem to have hit it off immediately. Brother You's son and Brother Bu's daughter, why don't you two become in-laws? Wouldn't that make your relationship even closer?" You Hungong replied, "That would be wonderful, but I wonder what Brother Bu's opinion is?" Bu Tong said, "Since you don't mind, how could I refuse?" Ji Deqing then acted as matchmaker, and the two exchanged wine cups at the banquet, pledging their marriage. More than ten years passed, and their children were all grown up. You Hungong, unwilling to spend the money, still hadn't married. You Hungong's idea was to simply delay marrying Bu Tong's daughter. He figured her parents would get impatient when she grew up and would naturally send her away for free—wouldn't that be easier?

Meanwhile, You Xialiu spent his days with a minor official named Yang Weiying. This official, though not exceptionally beautiful, possessed a captivating charm in his eyes. He also had a special skill: in bed, he would lick and kiss, his advances more wanton than even the most wanton women. You Xialiu loved him dearly, but didn't have much money. The two often exchanged money for a living, so they were very close. When You Xialiu was thirteen, he had been playing with the beggars at his maternal grandparents' house, doing it several times a day. The children had gone through a period of mourning, and he developed a habit of being very effeminate; he would weep at the door, and his penis would drool whenever it touched his vulva or anus. Although he was the one who kept Yang Weiying, it was Yang Weiying who did most of the work for him.

You Hun Gong was also skilled with him. Do you know how the two of them got together? One day, You Xia Liu wasn't home, and Yang Wei Ying came looking for him. You Hun Gong had seen this young man many times and had longed for him, but hadn't had the chance. Seeing his son wasn't home, he took the opportunity to invite him in, bought several jugs of wine and two dishes, and coaxed the young man with sweet words, wanting to have sex with him. The young man initially refused, but You Hun Gong promised to make him clothes and give him money, so the young man agreed and had sex with him. Afterwards, not only were the clothes not made, but not a single coin was given as paper money. Yang Wei Ying asked him for it many times, and he only verbally agreed, never actually giving it to her. Yang Weiying hated him with a passion akin to jealousy, secretly plotting, "This damned bastard is so wicked! I'll trick him and his son into doing something, firstly to vent my anger, and secondly to extort money from them."

One day, he asked You Hungong for money, and You Hungong said, "You have to do something for me again before I give it to you." Yang Weiying said, "Fine, tonight I'll sleep on the bench in the front guest area, you come there." You Hungong said, "Why don't you come here?" He said, "It's hot in your room, it's cooler there. I'll come and call you when it's time, don't speak when you're there, lest your son hears you next door, and you'll be embarrassed. Just keep quiet." You Hungong was overjoyed and readily agreed. That evening, the young man asked You Xialiu for wine, and You Xialiu went and fetched two jin of liquor to drink with him. The young man made many suggestive gestures, constantly urging him to drink. You Xialiu was delighted and drank until he was very drunk. He said it was very hot and pulled You Xialiu to the guest room to lie down on the bench and cool off. You Xialiu, emboldened by the wine, wanted to have some fun with him, and the boy readily agreed. You Xialiu had barely inserted himself when, after only a few thrusts, it was considered a night of passion. Yang Weiying got up and started to have sex with him, relentlessly. You Xialiu said, "I'm feeling a bit tipsy now. You should rest for a bit, and I'll take a nap. I'll do it again when I wake up. I only did it two or three times; you should stop now." Yang Weiying withdrew, and soon heard him snoring loudly. He nudged him, but he didn't move. Knowing he was fast asleep, Yang Weiying got up, went to You Hungong's window, and whispered, "Come here." You Hungong, who had been waiting anxiously, heard his voice, jumped up, and came out naked. It turned out that Yang Weiying was hiding in the back room. You Hungong quietly went to the front room, touched the bench, and found a naked man sleeping face inward with his buttocks outward. Thinking it was Yang Weiying waiting for him, he climbed on and started having sex with her.

You Xialiu was woken up by him and thought it was Yang Weiying. He said, "I told you to wait a moment, but you're in such a hurry. You've driven me crazy!" You Hungong was in a good mood when he heard his son's voice. He didn't want to ask, so he became suspicious and slowed down. Suddenly, Yang Weiying came in with a lamp lit and laughed, "You two are having a good time!" You Hungong saw that it was indeed his son. He was so ashamed that he quickly pulled away and ran back to his room. The next day, he complained to Yang Weiying that she had tricked him. Yang Weiying said, "You're complaining to me? If you don't give me a few coins properly, I'll spread the word about you everywhere. Let's see how you'll be seen then?" You Hungong was caught in her trap and had no choice but to send her a few coins from time to time. You Xialiu, having been tricked by his father, was unaware of the intricacies of the situation and, not daring to question his father directly, inquired privately with Yang Weiying. Yang Weiying coaxed him, saying, "He came to mess with me, but accidentally messed with you instead." You Xialiu believed him. Although Yang Weiying had taken some money from You Hungong, he couldn't return it and was often tricked by him. This young man, however, was not close to You Hungong but rather to You Xialiu. Father and son were jealous and resentful of this young man, often arguing. Whenever You Hungong scolded his son, he would glare and say, "Think about what you've done! You still dare to tell me what's going on! Don't let me tell anyone, or you'll be in hell!" You Hungong had no reply, only secretly resenting Yang Weiying.

Ever since his father's carbuncle festered and he was bedridden, suffering from intermittent dizziness and screaming day and night, You Xialiu and Yang Weiying drank and made merry, to the point that the old monk not only ignored them but also found their screams too loud. He happened to see a box containing only a few taels of loose silver belonging to his father. Taking advantage of his father's unconscious state, he stole it and went off with Yang Weiying to enjoy themselves, completely disregarding his father's fate. You Hun Gong, a long-term ill man, suffered excruciating pain from his sores. His son was not around, and he had no one to give him even a sip of water. He was on the verge of death in bed. There was no one else in his household; who would know? One day, his uncle, Hua, came to visit him. Pushing open the door, he found no one there. Reaching the bedroom door, he smelled the stench of a corpse. Entering, he saw his brother-in-law's condition; he had been dead for several days. He almost resembled Duke Huan of Qi, with maggots crawling out of the house. He hurriedly searched everywhere for You Xia Liu.

You Xia Liu, since stealing the few taels of silver, had been spending several days with Yang Weiying. One day, he said to Yang Weiying, "I've been missing my manhood for years. I'm going to get it fixed at the South Market Tower. You sit and wait on the Doumen Bridge, I'll be right there." Yang Weiying laughed, "You're like a dog with a head full of sesame oil, you don't even feel the suffering. Think about your skills, why would you want to suffer like that?" You Xialiu also laughed, "Everyone has their own preferences, like stir-fried leeks with sesame oil. Don't meddle in my business, just wait for me." He then went into the tower and went to a prostitute to get it fixed. He went to bed with a prostitute, pulled down his pants, and their bodies were just touching. Before he knew it, he had an erection. He quickly jumped off the bed, grabbed his pants, and ran outside. The prostitute also quickly put on her pants and chased after him, saying to the bastard, "This man ran away without paying." The bastard chased after him, finally catching up with him on Ping Shi Street. He grabbed You Xia Liu, saying, "Is there anyone who does this for free? You think you can run away without paying?" You Xia Liu replied, "I was only just touched before it was over. I haven't even tasted what it's like yet. What kind of money do you want?" The bastard said, "Who wouldn't let you fuck them if they had a cunt out there? Whose fault is it if you're incompetent? You won't be let go until you pay." As the two were arguing, Huan E rode up on horseback, followed by several servants. Seeing You Xia Liu being grabbed and argued by someone, with many people watching, Huan E recognized him and dismounted. He asked the bastard, "Why are you holding onto this Mr. You?" The bastard recognized Huan E and, seeing him being questioned, quickly let go, knelt down, kowtowed, and recounted what had happened. Huan E laughed and said to You Xia Liu, "He's a scoundrel. Go give him the money." Although You Xia Liu was shameless, he was now ashamed and took out his silver purse, counted out some money, and gave it to the bastard. Just as Huan E was about to mount his horse, a man ran up to You Xialiu, saying, "I just went to your house to see your father. He's been dead in bed for who knows how many days. You should hurry back."

You Xialiu bid farewell to Huan E. Upon hearing of his father's death, he showed no grief whatsoever. Instead, he went to Doumen Bridge and brought Yang Weiying home. He was quite genuine, not pretending at all. Upon entering, he didn't even examine his father's remains, nor did he wail. He hurriedly emptied his father's coffers, which contained several hundred taels of silver, and was overjoyed. He bought a thin coffin and used the clothes and bedding he had worn for his father's burial to put him in. Trying to save money, he spouted a grand theory, saying, "We Confucianists should follow the rites of the Wen family, not the chanting of scriptures by monks and Taoists, nor believe in those heretical cults." This was somewhat reasonable. However, the coffin was thin and unpainted, and a stench was overwhelming. He found the smell disgusting but couldn't bring himself to say anything. Fearing that if the funeral was delayed, relatives and friends would find out and come to offer condolences, which would be troublesome. He then said, "According to ancient rites, the emperor was buried after nine months, feudal lords after five months, and officials after three months. My father has already been stripped of his official robes and is treated the same as commoners, so he should be buried after three days. Besides, the dead see earth as gold; what's the point of leaving it there for too long?"

Just three days later, he was carried to be buried with his mother. When his relatives and friends came to offer condolences, they were surprised to find that his father's funeral had already taken place. Some of his elders and relatives scolded him for not announcing the death and not communicating about the funeral. He replied, "I have been filled with endless grief, and when I was beating my knees and weeping blood, I wished I could live. How could I, all alone, feel such pain? Now, in this time of intense sorrow, you all offer condolences instead of showing pity, and instead blame me for such trivial matters. How can I bear this?" The people could no longer scold him, but instead realized they had spoken out of turn, and they all left. When no one was around, he enjoyed fine wine and delicacies with Yang Weiying.

Huan E had heard of his teacher's death that day, but hadn't received any news of the death from his family, nor did he know when the funeral would be held. Four or five days passed, and still no news came. Remembering his teacher's past kindness, he sent two taels of silver as a funeral gift to his family. He didn't see his teacher's coffin, but he did see a handsome young man. He gave the silver to You Xialiu and took his leave. On the way, he asked his family, "Did you recognize that handsome young man from that family?" Huan Quan said, "That boy's surname is Yang, and he's a rabbit." [Only a dog can recognize a rabbit.] Huan E heard this and remembered it.

Meanwhile, Bu Tong, who was teaching in the countryside, heard of his relative's death and came to the city to offer condolences. Upon entering, he found the coffin already gone, but no ancestral tablet was present. He then gave his son-in-law a severe beating. [Bu Tong is indeed clever here.] Seeing a young man in his house, knowing it was an improper affair and fearing he would squander the family's wealth, he urged him to complete the marriage within seven days. He had no say in the matter; an auspicious day was chosen, and he was forced to marry his daughter. [This action is unreasonable, but given the circumstances, it is still somewhat acceptable.] You Xialiu knew this was something he would have to do eventually, so he obeyed. He then admired the bride's beautiful face and tasted the fresh fruit below her navel.

Now, let's talk about Bu Tong's wife, Shui, who was his second wife. Her first husband, surnamed Wang, was a pediatrician. Her mother-in-law, Kou, was skilled in midwifery, medicine, and treating children. Shui learned these two skills from her mother-in-law while living with her. After Kou's son died, seeing that his daughter-in-law was young and childless, she initially said she would let her remarry after the one-year mourning period. However, only a hundred days later, Shui began engaging in shady dealings. When Kou found out, she hurriedly told her to remarry. Bu Tong was asking a matchmaker to find a wife, and seeing that Shui was somewhat involved, he married her. Their first child was a son, and their second was a daughter. When she was born, Bu Tong said, "We are so poor, and now we have a son and a daughter. What we lack is only money. And we need lots of money, so let's name him Duoyin (meaning 'lots of silver')." [The old man said: Fortunately, his surname is auspicious.] From

a young age, his behavior was laughable. His older brother, Bu Zhishi, was somewhat simple-minded. His father was often away teaching, so his mother slept with both him and his sister. Occasionally, when Bu Tong returned, the couple would inevitably engage in some chores in bed. They couldn't very well send their son and daughter away because their parents needed to do things. They would sleep for a while, calling their son and daughter a few times until they fell asleep, before proceeding with their own chores. Two years later, Bu Zhishi was thirteen. Although still somewhat simple-minded, he had gained some awareness. Duoyin was only nine at that time. The son was placed at his feet, and the daughter lay at one end.

One day, Bu Tong returned. After sleeping for a while, he called his brother and sister several times, but they didn't respond. The couple then started fighting. As the old saying goes, "A newlywed is not as good as a long-awaited return." Having been separated for so long, they had to put in a great deal of effort, not only to make up for past debts but also to prepare for future ones. They weren't willing to finish easily. Once, twice without ceasing, causing the water in Shui's vagina to surge and roar loudly, her buttocks to sway and bounce wildly, and she initially moaned incessantly, but later she cried out, "Oh dear, I'm dying! Oh dear, I'm dying!" Bu Zhishi couldn't help but chuckle. Bu Tong, hearing his son awake, quickly climbed down to sleep. Shui, interrupted by her joy, felt both ashamed and angry. She jumped up, pulled back the blanket, and slapped her son's bare buttocks several times. Bu Zhishi cried out, "I was laughing, why did you hit me?" Duo Yin said, "You deserve it, you haven't hit me enough. Hearing your mother say she's dying, you don't cry but laugh? I hit you, and you still yell." The couple felt

very embarrassed seeing that their daughter and son were both pretending to be asleep. Afterwards, they separated their son to sleep separately, thinking that their daughter was still young and they weren't too wary of her, so they kept her with them. This girl, though ugly, was full of cleverness. Whenever she saw her parents sleeping together, she would get into bed and pretend to snore. When his parents were relieved and happy, he would cover his face, peeking out only his eyes to watch. Having seen it many times, he thought to himself, "My parents seem to enjoy this very much; I wonder when I can find someone to try it out." However, being young, he didn't know how to recruit anyone to test him. His mother was a midwife and a healer for children; her business was booming, and she was often away from home. Bu Zhishi was sixteen or seventeen years old, spending his days idly wandering around, doing all sorts of ignorant things, often leaving him alone at home to look after the house.

When he turned thirteen, he grew up. Not only was he naturally lewd, but he was also extremely ugly, perhaps unparalleled in the world. The pockmarks on his face were the size of a fingertip, but that wasn't the most remarkable thing. They were like interlocking rings, one inside the other, like leeches. His two eyes were like two large white radishes, and the area around them was like a large red thread, truly bizarre. His face was covered in freckles, yellow and black, thickly powdered, making the spots look like mustard-mixed powder. [Extraordinary and whimsical.] A peach, five or six inches high, hung from his head, tilted to one side, causing him to stumble as he walked. His short, bushy hair, like golden threads, cascaded down his face and neck. He had a mouthful of thick, black, pig-dung-like teeth, their yellow color indistinguishable. His two large, flat feet, seven or eight inches long, had a large, bowl-sized platform on the soles of his feet, and he always wore bright red floral shoes, which looked like two small boats played by children. He considered himself a stunning beauty, always twisting his head and contorting his neck as he walked, always biting his lip and pursing his lips when he spoke, displaying a flirtatious and seductive manner. As the ancients said: "

Ugly, ugly, ugly, all you do is twist your waist. Twisting your spine, you're still just ugly."

That was him. He also had several other remarkable traits: greedy, lazy, wicked, and lewd. She was truly an ugly beauty, lacking all four virtues and possessing all seven grounds for divorce. A poem, "West River Moon," praised her appearance: "

Her face is like a sheep's liver, purple and lacquered; her skin is covered with cracked patterns. Strange marks fill her cheeks; a blemish lies within her belly. Her fingers reveal several strands of black jade; her teeth are two pieces of black silver. Her body's swaying is even more astonishing, a lively demonic figure."

Two other poems, "Oriole's Song," praised the wonders of her hands and feet. Praising her hands: "

Ten fingers like mallets, smooth as helmets, playing the zither and lute is futile; an itchy body is hard to resist. How can she shed tears of blood? Who can she lean on to peel the green onions? So sorrowful, all the fruits of her labor are left to her mouth."

Praising her feet: "

Golden lotuses three inches long, you have to measure them horizontally. Flat on the ground like bream, white flowers cover the wall. Red slender edges, high bottom, bowl-sized, strangely shaped. Loud and clear, her steps in the room echo outside."

Outside the back door of his house was a large open space where people often relieved themselves. When he had nothing to do, he would peek through the crack in the door, and he'd seen many different sizes and lengths of penises. One day, it was very hot, and his mother and brother were both out. In the afternoon, he heated a pot of water and took a bath. Because he was hot, he didn't wear trousers, only a linen summer skirt and a small undershirt, and sat to cool off. Suddenly, a thought came to him. He spread his legs, bent over, and looked down at his vulva, saying, "My mother is so happy when she does it. Since she's not home today, I'll find someone to do it with; it'll surely be interesting." Just then, he heard someone outside calling out for jasmine flowers. He ran out and called out, "Flower seller, come here!" The flower seller approached. He looked at him; the boy was about seventeen or eighteen years old, and quite fair-skinned and pleasing to the eye. He thought for a moment and said, "I'll try it with him." He said, "Come in with me and we'll wear the flowers." The boy went inside, and he locked the door and led him inside. They negotiated the price, and he was told to thread fifty large flower arches on each branch. The young man, with his flower basket, squatted on the ground threading the flowers. The other man squatted beside him, watching, placing a hand on the young man's shoulder and deliberately pulling his skirt up a bit, revealing his genitals below his belly. Although Duo Yin was ugly, his manhood was quite something:

a thin slit, bulging, its stamen slightly protruding, a deep purple-red. While appearances
may differ, this orifice is likely the same for everyone.

The young man saw it immediately, and his penis twitched uncontrollably in his trousers. The young man was wearing a single pair of linen trousers, which Duo Yin clearly saw. He deliberately pointed and laughed, saying, "Hey, what kind of bug is jumping around in your trousers? Aren't you afraid it'll bite your flesh?" The young man blushed, laughing as he quickly closed his legs. Afraid someone at home would see, he hurriedly finished threading the flowers and handed them to the young man. The young man stuck them in his hair and chuckled. The young man stood up and said, "Girl, give me some money." He said, "I have no money." The young man got anxious and said, "If you have no money, how can you make me wear flowers?" He laughed and said, "If you have feelings for me, give them to me to wear. If you don't want to, I'll just let you have your way with me." The young man said, "Don't talk nonsense, someone might hear you." He laughed and said, "I have no one at home, you can rest assured." Saying this, he unbuttoned his shirt, [this is unnecessary, it's better to wear it to hide his flaws.] and took off his skirt, exposing his breasts and lower body completely, sticking his belly out in front of him to see, saying, "Am I, a beautiful flower, not worth as much as your withered flower?" Although he was ugly, this thing was no different from Xi Shi or Mo Mu, neither ugly nor beautiful. A few lines say:

Unbuttoning, untying the skirt knot. Breasts purple like sandalwood, body as black as ink. Elbows like ripe lotus roots, shoulders the color of eggplant. Belly soft and supple, crotch smooth and clean. A ditch runs down the middle, revealing a seductive cave. In this life, the woman is named Duoyin; in her past life, the Qin wife was named Changshe.

The boy had never seen such a strange shape or tasted such a delicacy before, and he was quite willing. Moreover, the strange thing in his waist, though it had one eye, had no pupil; for some reason, it would jump around when it saw the vulva, and it was swollen and uncomfortable. Because it was his first time seeing this toothless, sunken mouth, he felt a little ashamed. [This boy was not as experienced as Duoyin.] Blushing, he said, "What if your elders come?" He said, "If someone knocks, run through the back door. What are you afraid of?" Hearing there was a back door, the boy was relieved and asked, "Where?" Duoyin lay back on the bench, legs spread wide, waiting. The boy quickly took off his pants, his penis hard, smeared some saliva on it, and pushed it in. He cried out, "It hurts a little." The boy then rested, not daring to move. He said, "I often see it twitching, why don't you move at all?" The boy said, "You said it hurts again." He said, "That's nothing serious. If you're going to keep a man, why would you be afraid of your pussy hurting? I'll suffer, you do yours. What's there to be afraid of?" The boy continued to twitch and pull. He groaned a couple of times at first, then fell silent. After a while, the boy became a little irritated, afraid someone would come, so he quickly pulled out, wiped himself with his pants, and put them back on. Duo Yin took a white cloth and wiped his vulva, seeing that it was quite red, and smiled at the boy, saying, "You come to the door every day to sell flowers. If no one comes, you can come in." The boy readily agreed, grinning as he picked up his flower basket and was about to leave. Duo Yin said, "You stand there, I'll give you some money." The boy said, "Thank you, but I can't take money. You can wear it." Duo Yin said, "You have so much capital. If I don't give it to you, you won't dare to come next time." [Unexpectedly, even a novice can attract customers.] He even gave him a few extra coins. The boy, having gotten away with it for free and also received extra money, was overjoyed and left happily. After that, whenever no one was home, he would call him over to do it, and this happened several times. But the boy's penis was very small, and he wasn't very skilled. At first, it was bearable, but later it became less satisfying.

One day, while standing idly at the door, he saw a vendor selling miscellaneous goods, all toys for children. Seeing many that he couldn't lift, he thought, "This is thicker and better than that boy's penis; I'll buy one and try it." So he bought one, went into the house, took off his pants, spread his legs, and tried to insert the round, clay-bottomed object. After a while, it wouldn't go in. He moistened his vulva with some saliva, rubbed some clay on the bottom, and then used his fingers to spread his vulva wide, thrusting it in hard, and it went in. He was having fun pumping the paper body back and forth, when suddenly the paper body, soaked and softened by the semen, snapped and tore open, revealing the muddy bottom inside. It took a lot of effort, painfully digging it out. Now the vagina was much larger, and playing with the flower boy was no longer enjoyable. He thought, "This man is useless; I need to find someone bigger." Every day he would peer through the back door, sometimes seeing a large penis, but he couldn't just call it in without reason. Sometimes there were businessmen he could call, but his mother was home, so he never found anyone suitable.

That day, no one was home, so he kept watch, looking around at several men, but they were all too small and unsuitable. Just as he was getting impatient, a man selling yarn, shaking a drum, put his box down and hurried to urinate. He must have been urinating for a long time, because his penis was swollen and hard, quite a sight. Seeing this large thing, he didn't care anymore and opened the door. The man looked up, saw it was a girl, and quickly turned his back. After he finished urinating, he slung his box over his shoulder and prepared to leave. Duoyin called out, "I want to buy your thread, come in with me to pick it up." The man followed her into the main room, and as soon as he put down the box, Duoyin grabbed him, her face darkening. "I don't have a single adult in my house," she said, "[Let them hear this, and you will understand that with such cleverness and eloquence, one cannot judge a person by their appearance.] You've come to my room for no reason; do you intend to rape me?" The man smiled obsequiously, "What are you saying, young lady? How could I dare come in without reason? You asked me to buy thread, why are you making such a joke?" Duoyin said, "What joke? To be honest, if you want to have some fun with me, that's fine; otherwise, I'll start shouting." The drummer said, "How could I do that? How could I dare?" Duoyin became anxious and said, "Are you serious?" She then shouted loudly, "Help!" The man hurriedly covered her mouth, saying, "Young lady, please do as you say, don't shout." She laughed, "I thought you weren't afraid, are you afraid too? If you had said this earlier, it would have saved a lot of trouble." She led Duoyin to the bed inside, where they undressed and lay down to sleep. [It's always been men who rape women, but he's raping another man—a truly rare and bizarre occurrence.]

The man wasn't exactly a virtuous gentleman; his initial refusal was merely out of fear. Besides, he was a penniless, desperate man without a wife, and seeing the woman's lewd behavior, though ugly, he was simply too hungry to resist. And since it cost nothing, why not? He erected his large penis, fearing the young man couldn't handle it, and used plenty of saliva. With a gentle thrust, he found the man experienced and easily penetrated halfway. After nearly reaching the root, the man, knowing the young man was a seasoned pro, began to thrust more vigorously. The woman, experiencing pleasure she had never known before, imitated her mother, moaning incessantly, "I'm dying, I'm dying!" When it was over, she dressed, grabbed the man, and repeatedly urged him to come to the front door and shake the drum, hoping to catch him by chance. The back door was far, and he might not hear her. The man was both amused and, after all, where else could he find such a virtuous woman willing to give up her genitals? Sure enough, he would knock on her door several times a day, and whenever he had the chance, he would invite her in for a good time. After two years, the woman became pregnant. Her mother, whose business was thriving, was completely unaware. When her period was over, she began to experience labor pains, and only then did Shui's mother realize that her daughter was about to give birth. Fortunately, she knew how to deliver babies, and soon a healthy, plump baby was born. She buried the baby without telling Bu Tong. Later, Shui's mother saw that her daughter had even raised a grandson, so being strict was useless, and she let her daughter indulge her desires. It was a case of "the pot is already broken, what's the use of worrying?" Besides, she couldn't abandon her business, so she let her daughter be.

One day, Duoyin went to the back door and saw a beggar squatting by the wall across the street, catching lice after taking off his tattered coat. His trousers were torn, revealing a fine, long, soft penis. She was filled with lust, opened the door, and invited him into her home. She gave him a full meal and several dozen coins. The beggar was deeply grateful and was about to leave when Duoyin laughed and said, "Wait here, let me ask you a question. You're all alone, do you have a wife?" The beggar replied, "I can barely feed myself, how could I afford a wife?" Duoyin then asked, "Haven't you seen a woman yet?" The beggar laughed and said, "I have seen one before." Duoyin said, "Don't you miss women now?" The beggar said, "With my thieving appearance, who would love me? [Little do they know that some love things, not people, but things.] Thinking about it is useless, what's the point?" Duoyin said, "Don't you feel any attraction when you see a woman?" The beggar saw that Duoyin was deliberately probing him. He laughed and said, "Who in this world doesn't have lustful thoughts? Even ants and lice know how to do things. There's nothing I can do but give up. Do you think there are any compassionate people like us beggars who would give us this?" Duoyin laughed and said, "Come in with me." The beggar felt there was something to it and followed him into the room. Duoyin pulled down her trousers, lay back on the bed, and said, "Seeing how pitiful you sound, I'll spare you a little, consider it an act of good karma." The beggar, seeing her bare, plump vulva, felt his penis rise and laughed, "Girl, are you really going to give it to me?" Duoyin said, "If I weren't serious, would I be lying to you?" The beggar threw down his cane and laughed, "I don't want to be dreaming." He climbed onto the bed, lifted her legs, and began to masturbate, using all the strength of a street urchin, giving Duoyin endless pleasure. After a long while, they stopped. Duoyin invited him to come often, and the beggar, beaming with joy, readily agreed and left. This beggar, who had begged for food half his life, suddenly encountered such a compassionate and kind woman; do you think he wasn't grateful? [In Zheng Yuanhe's *The Embroidered Robe*, it says: "That kind and benevolent woman gave the beggar a full meal, embroidered a new canopy for him, and walked hand in hand with him to the balcony—this was truly a benevolent grandmother." Duo Yin had probably read this.] He had no way to repay her kindness except to devote himself wholeheartedly to her service. Duo Yin was overjoyed, never expecting such a small favor to be repaid so generously. Afterwards, whether it was the drummer or this old beggar, they took turns flattering him, and Duo Yin was quite happy.
One day, he told five or six friends about how someone was afraid of their mother-in-law and someone else was henpecked. Just as they were chatting happily, one or two of them, who had also heard that he was strict in managing his household affairs, said, "There are many men in the world who are afraid of their wives, and I'm afraid you're no exception." He said sternly, "What are you saying? My wife, would she dare to disobey me in the slightest? If I say east, she wouldn't dare to go west. If she angers me, who knows how many times she'll be taught a lesson. We are respectable men, not the kind of henpecked husbands. Brothers, would you like to make a bet with me and come to my house to see my rules?"

He was just making empty promises, figuring no one would bet with him. Unexpectedly, one of the men, with a sharp tongue, said, "That's exactly right. We'll each contribute a tael of silver to your residence. If you truly obey your orders, we'll consider it a loss and treat you. If you disobey even slightly, you'll punish us double and make us return the favor." The others, hearing this, said, "That makes sense, that makes sense." They pooled their money and handed it to him. He had no choice but to say, "I'll go back and make the arrangements. Brothers, come to my place this afternoon." The others dispersed. He bought some food and fruit, and bought twenty or thirty catties of wine, taking it home. Upon seeing these items, Duoyin swallowed hard, his mouth watering, and exclaimed with a beaming smile, "Where did these beauties come from?" He put them down, walked closer, knelt down, and said, "My dearest mother, I beg you for mercy." Duoyin asked, "What mercy? Tell me." He said, "Just now, some people outside were saying that this woman wasn't virtuous and would bully her husband. That woman was laughing at this woman's wife for being lazy and always beating and scolding her husband. Suddenly they asked me, and I vehemently said that my mother was the most virtuous woman in the world. She was undoubtedly a great manager, and her hospitality was unparalleled. The people didn't believe me and wanted to gamble with me. They paid up some silver..." I prepared something, and they wanted to come and see, and sure enough, they did. I thought I usually didn't have anything good to offer you, so I took this opportunity to buy some good things. You can keep the good ones for yourself, and give the rest to everyone. I only ask that you warm the wine and serve the dishes, and bear with me even if I call out to you. I'm just pretending to be nice to get people to eat, how dare I call out to you? You'll gain a great reputation for being virtuous. Good mother, if you agree to my request, I won't be able to repay your kindness. Tonight, I'll lick the dishes for you for half the night." Seeing that there was good food and that he was willing to lick the dishes for her for half the night, Duo Yin said, "I'll agree to this time, but I won't do it again next time." You Xia Liu was happy to hear that he agreed and kowtowed loudly. He got up and quickly selected the best fruits and dishes, put them on two plates, and sent them to Duo Yin. He also quickly warmed a large pot of wine and served it with chopsticks. Then he prepared everything himself and set up the tables and chairs in the guest room. After a hearty and drunken meal, Duo Yin happily went to heat the tea and wine.

In the afternoon, the guests arrived, and after offering them seats, You Xia Liu called out to bring out the wine. Duo Yin took it, set it aside, and sat down, saying, "My wife arranged all this; she even wiped the tables and chairs herself. I bought some things and brought them home, only giving her instructions before taking a nap." The guests were still somewhat skeptical. Then he called out, "Bring the wine!" Sure enough, Duo Yin heard him and brought the wine. A moment later, he called out again, "The wine is too hot; warm it up a bit." A short while later, he brought some warmed wine. The guests all thought to themselves, "No wonder he talks big; he really has good family discipline." Seeing that his words had been answered, You Xia Liu called out even more incessantly. The sun had set, and the lamps were lit. He then shouted, "The wine is too cold, bring some hot wine, this won't work." Duo Yin, already annoyed, went to the kitchen to heat the wine. He went outside and said, "Bring me hot wine." You Xia Liu, oblivious to the danger, had overdone his bravado and forgot the threat. He excitedly went to receive the wine. Duo Yin handed him the wine with one hand, and with the other, he opened his mouth wide, slapping it hard across the face, making a deafening, crisp sound. You Xia Liu, having received this blow, felt dizzy. Fortunately, he was quick-witted. He ran outside, pointed inside, and said, "I'll make your wine cold." He deliberately added angrily, "That's not enough." [Such quick wit, only an extremely clever person could do this.] Then he sat down. Everyone who heard this thought he had really beaten his wife. They thought, "For a friend to drink with, asking him to beat his wife is embarrassing," and got up to decline. Little did they know he had been the one who had been hit like this. Seeing that the situation had changed and that some of the men were still confused from the fight, You Xialiu dared not keep them and sent them away. He closed the door and quickly gathered his weapons. When he entered the room, he saw that Duo Yin, seeing that everyone had left, had already drunk down several jugs of wine, regardless of whether it was hot or cold, and was already on the bed, naked and asleep.

You Xialiu, seeing this, dared not linger, fearing Duo Yin would become impatient and angry, and quickly got into bed. Duo Yin, still aroused from the wine, was waiting for You Xialiu to lick his vulva. You Xialiu, seeing this, quickly put his mouth to Duo Yin's vulva, but before his tongue could even extend, he suddenly smelled a terrible stench, and a wave of nausea washed over him, almost causing him to vomit. He quickly turned his head away and endured it.

You might think You Xialiu was used to licking, so why did he act this way today? Firstly, Duo Yin usually sat high up all day, with You Xialiu serving him everything. His groin area didn't have much sweat or dirt, and although it smelled slightly, he was used to it and could tolerate it. Today, he was cooking and warming wine in the kitchen, the steam rising from his clothes. He was also running back and forth delivering food and wine, drenched in sweat. Besides, he's incredibly lazy, so this thing rarely sees the water, making it terribly smelly. Secondly, You Xialiu usually eats very early and goes to bed half-starved. Today, the food and wine were free, but he said the host wouldn't eat and the guests wouldn't drink. Although he kept offering them food, the guests weren't even half-full, while he was completely stuffed. Therefore, the smell made him nauseous. Duo Yin, who was eagerly awaiting his arrival, was furious to see him like this. She said, "I've worked so hard for you all day, waiting for you to lick me, and you act like this? Do you think I stink?" He quickly replied, "My goodness, I'm as fragrant as dried fish, how could I stink? I'm a little full today, and I'm about to burp. I was afraid the smell of alcohol would offend your fragrant thing. How could I possibly dislike you?" He then said, "My tongue isn't clean, go rinse your mouth." He jumped off the bed, grabbed a wad of cotton, stuffed it into his nostrils, rinsed his mouth, and went back to bed. Seeing him with his nostrils stuffed, Duo Yin scolded, "You clearly think I stink, yet you dare to argue? Otherwise, why are you stuffing your nose?" You Xialiu quickly said, "My goodness, you've taken my kindness for granted. I've had a bit of a cold these past few days, and I was afraid that if I sneezed, it would frighten your precious orifice. What would I do then? Why are you blaming me instead?" Duo Yin believed him and fell silent. Seeing that he was stammering, You Xialiu was secretly pleased and said, "That's enough, that's enough." He quickly lifted his legs and knelt down to lick him. Duo Yin held his head tightly with both hands, licking his genitals for half the night until his tongue was swollen. The next day, he couldn't even speak clearly, and it took two or three days for him to recover. But let's leave that aside for now.

Having told this story of the hero who was afraid of his wife, let's now talk about the good man who was henpecked. To find out who it is, read the next chapter.

End of Volume Ten of "Guanwangyan"

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