So that's how it is.

It was July 28, 1999, the hottest day in Beijing that year. After dinner, I was unbearably hot, so I picked up my books and went to rest and read alone in the bushes on the west campus. I deliberately chose a special spot. It was special because there was a small rock in the center, surrounded by some unidentifiable southern bushes. Unless you looked very carefully, it was difficult to find the path leading to the rock from the outside. From inside, the view outside was very clear, but from the bushes, you could hardly see anything.

That evening was so hot that I was reading and suddenly became very sleepy. I dozed off, and then a series of playful whispers woke me up. When I woke up, I was incredibly embarrassed. A man and a woman were sitting outside my bushes. What was especially embarrassing was that the woman's skirt was lifted up to her waist, and the man was touching her genitals. His genitals were also almost completely exposed.

I wanted to get up and leave, but the situation barely allowed me to make a sound. Firstly, I couldn't explain why I hadn't left immediately when the couple came in; secondly, the scene before me…

Just then, suddenly, the man pulled out his penis and shoved it into the woman's mouth… To be honest, thirty-one years of aversion and confusion towards sex all surfaced at that moment. I suddenly felt a sharp, uncomfortable swelling down there, and my nipples felt like hundreds or thousands of ants were biting them, incredibly itchy. As the woman's mouth moved up and down on the man's penis, I felt increasingly uncomfortable, as if I were completely wet down there, like I was menstruating.

The couple were so engrossed that even after the man pulled his penis out of the woman's vagina, and they dressed and left, they didn't notice there was still a "voyeur" inside.

I don't know how I got back to the female graduate student dormitory. The first thing I did after returning was to go to the washroom and rinse myself with cold water for the first time. That night I really couldn't sleep. I couldn't fall asleep at all. Every time I closed my eyes, all the scenes of that man and woman in the bushes would involuntarily float before my eyes...

After that night, I felt like I had truly become a different person. I suddenly realized how hypocritical I had been; in reality, I craved men more than any woman. All those fantasies made me feel utterly ashamed. I often took advantage of my roommates going to class to stay in the dorm and masturbate frantically, but I found that I still couldn't achieve complete satisfaction. I realized I had truly broken down.

Sometimes, when I was so aroused that I couldn't get any pleasure, I would even wander alone in front of Building 4. Everyone knew that Building 4 was often frequented by migrant worker hooligans; the entire girls' dormitory was terrified of Building 4. At night, almost no one dared to go there. Strangely enough, although I couldn't explain why I went to Building 4 for a walk, nothing bad ever happened. Sometimes I wondered, what if I went to Building 4 for a walk at night and encountered a hooligan? The conclusion is quite contradictory. Sometimes I think, as long as the scoundrel isn't too violent or dirty, maybe I'd just smash him without a sound! Sometimes I think, am I being too pathetic, so desperate for men?

But it's strange, even though the male-to-female ratio at my school is 110:1, and even though I think I'm pretty good-looking and quite voluptuous (36cm bust), no boy in my class has ever seriously pursued me. Sometimes boys would half-jokingly, half-seriously pursue me, but they never made a commitment. Looking back now, maybe I was too arrogant, maybe my qualities were too good, making the boys feel inferior!

Sometimes I even had this thought that whichever boy asked me out at night first, maybe all my virginity would belong to him.

Miracles never happened. I was still very restless, masturbating frantically every night. But I never expected that my virginity would be with him.

It was an afternoon in April this year. My professor suddenly called me to his house, saying he had just returned from abroad and needed to check my assignments. When I arrived at his house, his wife wasn't there, and his eyes looked a little strange. To be honest, I didn't think about it that way at the time.

My supervisor warmly welcomed me and talked about his impressions of foreign films; everything seemed normal. Then, suddenly, he mysteriously mentioned that he had brought back some banned films from abroad, which might be helpful for my master's thesis on conformity in Western society. He added that some of the content might be inappropriate, and asked if I dared to watch them. He repeatedly emphasized that the tapes were original and that he hadn't seen them himself.

I have to admit I can be really naive sometimes; until then, I still hadn't grasped my supervisor's true intentions. However, as a perfectly good film was suddenly switched to a completely Western pornographic film, I suddenly understood his true purpose.

Halfway through the film, I really couldn't take it anymore; I felt incredibly wet down there. My face turned a frightening red. My supervisor, clearly experiencing this for the first time, seemed a little flustered. He turned off the VCD, explaining that he genuinely didn't know such films contained inappropriate content, while simultaneously observing me with his eyes.

I felt both annoyed and amused. On one hand, I said, "That's how things are popular in the West." On the other hand, I said, "Professor, could I borrow your wife's underwear? I'm soaking wet down there."

My words clearly surprised my professor, who stood there motionless, stunned. Suddenly, I found my professor so adorable. Half-teasing, half-boasting, I said, "Professor, you don't believe me? Come and feel it, it's really soaking wet down there..."

My professor came over and carried me into the bedroom. I was practically unconscious, only feeling that my professor seemed very attentive. But perhaps due to my age, it clearly didn't work. However, I did have a very intense and satisfying orgasm that afternoon.

Graduation came in the blink of an eye. I was very lucky to find a teaching position at a very good university, and even more lucky to find my current husband. Although my husband is a typical Northeastern man, and a bit rough around the edges, he truly makes me very happy and fulfilled, often bringing me to the brink of ecstasy.

But for some reason, I still miss the grove of trees on the west campus of the university, and I especially long to recapture that feeling with my husband there.

So one Sunday evening, I changed into a long dress that I wasn't wearing underneath, and took a taxi with my husband to the West Campus. But I found that the once lush West Campus was gone, replaced by a new student dormitory. Watching two female students sitting on the same rock reciting English, I couldn't help but think of a line from a movie: "I was young once too!"

That was July 28, 1999, the hottest day in Beijing that year. After dinner, I was unbearably hot, so I picked up my books and went to rest and read alone in the bushes of the West Campus. I deliberately chose a special spot. It was special because in the center was a small rock to sit on, surrounded by a secret patch of unidentifiable southern bushes. Unless you looked very carefully, it was difficult to spot the path leading to the rock from the outside. Looking out from inside was crystal clear, but looking in from the bushes, you could see almost nothing.

That evening was incredibly hot. I was reading when I suddenly became so sleepy that I started dozing off. A few playful whispers woke me up. When I looked around, I was incredibly embarrassed. A man and a woman were sitting outside my bushes, and what was even more humiliating was that the woman's skirt was lifted up to her waist, and the man was touching her genitals. His own genitals were almost completely exposed.

I wanted to get up and leave, but the situation barely allowed me to make a sound. First, I couldn't explain why I hadn't left immediately when they came in; second, the scene before me…

Just then, suddenly, the man pulled out his penis and shoved it into the woman's mouth… To be honest, all the aversion and confusion I'd accumulated over thirty-one years regarding matters of the heart suddenly surfaced. I suddenly felt a throbbing pain down there, and my nipples felt like they were being gnawed by hundreds or thousands of ants—it was unbearably itchy. As the woman's mouth moved up and down on the man's penis, I felt increasingly uncomfortable, as if my lower body was completely wet, like I was menstruating.

The couple was so engrossed that they didn't even notice the "voyeur" inside until the man finally pulled his penis out of the woman's vagina, and after they dressed, tidied themselves, and left.

I don't know how I got back to the female graduate student dormitory. The first thing I did after returning was to go to the washroom and rinse myself with cold water for the first time. That night, I really couldn't sleep. I couldn't fall asleep at all. Every time I closed my eyes, all the scenes of that man and woman in the bushes would involuntarily float before my eyes...

After that night, I felt like I had become a different person. I suddenly realized how hypocritical I had been. In reality, I craved men more than any woman. All those fantasies made me feel ashamed. I often took advantage of my roommates going to class to stay in the dormitory and masturbate frantically, but I found that I still couldn't get complete satisfaction. I realized that I had completely broken down.

Sometimes, when I was so aroused that I couldn't get any pleasure, I would wander around in front of Building 4 alone. Everyone knew that Building 4 was often frequented by migrant workers and hooligans. Almost everyone in the girls' dormitory turned pale at the mention of Building 4. At night, almost no one dared to go to Building 4. Strangely enough, although I couldn't explain why I went to Building 4 for a walk, nothing bad ever happened. Sometimes I wonder, what if I went for a walk near Building 4 at night and ran into a pervert? My conclusions are contradictory. Sometimes I think, as long as the pervert isn't too violent or dirty, maybe I'd just beat him up without a sound! Sometimes I think, am I being too pathetic, so desperate for men?

But it's strange, even though the male-to-female ratio at my school is 110:1, and even though I consider myself fairly attractive and quite voluptuous (36cm bust), no boy in my class ever seriously pursued me. Sometimes boys would half-jokingly, half-seriously pursue me, but they never made a commitment. Looking back now, maybe I was too arrogant, maybe my qualities were too good, making the boys feel inferior!

Sometimes I even had this thought: whichever boy asked me out at night first, maybe all my virginity would belong to him.

But no miracle happened. I was still very restless, masturbating frantically every night. But unexpectedly, my first time was with him.

It was an afternoon in April this year. My professor suddenly called me to his house, saying he had just returned from abroad and needed to check my assignments. When I arrived at my supervisor's house, his wife wasn't there, and his eyes seemed a little strange. But to be honest, I didn't think anything of it at the time.

My supervisor warmly welcomed me and talked about his impressions of foreign films; everything seemed normal. Then, suddenly, he mysteriously mentioned that he had brought back some banned films from abroad, which might be helpful for my master's thesis on conformity in Western society. Of course, some of the content might be inappropriate, and he asked if I dared to watch them. He repeatedly stated that the tapes were original and that he hadn't seen them himself.

I have to admit I can be really naive sometimes; until this point, I still hadn't grasped my supervisor's true intentions. However, as a perfectly normal film was suddenly switched to a completely Western pornographic film, I suddenly understood his true purpose.

Halfway through the film, I really couldn't take it anymore; I felt incredibly wet down there. My face turned a frightening red. My supervisor, clearly experiencing this for the first time, seemed a little flustered. He turned off the VCD player, explaining that he genuinely didn't know such films contained inappropriate content, while simultaneously observing me with his eyes.

I felt both annoyed and amused. On one hand, I said, "That's how things are popular in the West." On the other hand, I said, "Professor, could I borrow your wife's underwear? I'm soaking wet down there."

My words clearly surprised my professor, who stood there motionless, stunned. Suddenly, I found my professor so adorable. Half-teasing, half-boasting, I said, "Professor, you don't believe me? Come and feel it, it's really soaking wet down there..."

My professor came over and carried me into the bedroom. I was practically unconscious, only feeling that my professor seemed very attentive. But perhaps due to my age, it clearly didn't work. However, I did have a very intense and satisfying orgasm that afternoon.

Graduation came in the blink of an eye. I was very lucky to find a teaching position at a very good university, and even more lucky to find my current husband. Although my husband is a typical Northeastern man, and a bit rough around the edges, he truly makes me very happy and fulfilled, often bringing me to the brink of ecstasy.

But for some reason, I still miss the grove of trees on the west campus of the university, and I especially long to recapture that feeling with my husband there.

So one Sunday evening, I changed into a long dress that I wasn't wearing underneath, and took a taxi with my husband to the West Campus. But I found that the once lush West Campus was gone, replaced by a new student dormitory. Watching two female students sitting on the same rock reciting English, I couldn't help but think of a line from a movie: "I was young once too!"

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So that's how it is.

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