Classic dirty jokes

page views:1 Publication date:2022-06-21

One day, three ghosts met God while strolling through the streets! They told God that they had all died tragically and hoped to be allowed to go to Heaven! God said helplessly, "Heaven is already overcrowded. But there's one spot left! Tell me, whoever died the most tragically will go to Heaven!"
So, the first ghost began to speak… “In my previous life, I was a cleaner. The work was very hard! Busy from morning till night! One day, I was cleaning windows outside a building! It was the kind of dangerous job where you're suspended high up on the outside! On the 30th floor! Suddenly, my foot slipped, and I fell! I thought, ‘That's it! I'm going to die!’ But my survival instinct made me grab at things unconsciously! Luckily, I grabbed onto a balcony railing on the 13th floor. I thought, ‘I'm saved!’ So I planned to wait until I recovered before climbing back up!”
Suddenly, someone shoved my hand away, and I fell again! I thought, "This is it, I'm really done for!" But, luckily, a tent below caught me. I was so grateful; I must have done something good in my past life! I planned to catch my breath and then climb down. But then, a refrigerator fell from above and crushed me to death!
The second ghost said... "In my previous life, I was a clerk. Everything was fine. I had a wife, very beautiful. She had a great figure!"
But I'm a bit promiscuous. I have a mild heart condition. One day I forgot my medication at work, so I went home to get it. When I walked in, I saw my wife with disheveled hair and clothes. There was definitely someone else there. So I searched the whole house, the kitchen, the bathroom, but I couldn't find him. When I got to the balcony, I saw two hands clinging to the railing. I thought: the adulterer! So I pushed his hands away, thinking, "13th floor! See if you don't fall to your death!"
When I checked, he wasn't dead! The tent had caught him! I panicked and searched the whole house. I went into the kitchen and found the refrigerator was big enough, so I threw it down. It finally killed him! I was so happy! I laughed uncontrollably. But then I laughed so hard I had a heart attack and died!
The third ghost said... "In my past life, I was a petty thug, but I never did anything really bad! One day, I went to a female friend's house. We had just finished, and her husband suddenly came home! I had to find a place to hide. So I searched the kitchen, I searched the bathroom, and finally found that their refrigerator was quite big, so I hid inside it! I just don't understand how her husband knew I was in the refrigerator; he actually threw it off the 13th floor!"
I died from falling, along with the refrigerator!
A young man wrote a letter to his girlfriend: "My dear, for you, I am prepared to cross the ocean without hesitation and jump into the abyss without fear; to see you, I will overcome any difficulties... I will come to you on Sunday, if it doesn't rain."
After get off work, a few male and female colleagues met up at a restaurant for a small get-together. The male colleague ordered baijiu (Chinese liquor), and the female colleague ordered yogurt.
A little while later, the waitress brought out the dishes and liquor, and the male colleague began to eat and drink.
A male colleague suddenly realized that the female colleague hadn't been served yogurt, so he asked the waitress, "Do you have milk?"
The young lady blushed and stammered, "Yes, not much."
[Clothing] The young woman wore a new dress given to her by her future in-laws for the first time. She thought to herself: "The pattern is a bit old-fashioned. It's really hard on him, since he's so lazy about shopping." Upon entering the young man's house, the young woman and her mother-in-law looked at each other in surprise—they were both wearing the same floral dress, because it was a gift from the same person.
[Food] The young man reminded the waiter for the fifth time, "I want to give her a surprise. When you bring the birthday cake, turn off the lights first, and then turn them back on when the music starts." The lights went out early, but it didn't matter. The young man had just finished saying, "Close your eyes." The music didn't start, but the lobby manager's voice came through: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so sorry, there's been a temporary power outage."
[Accommodation] The girl bumped into the young man who lived in the building across the street. The girl thought smugly, "This is the fourth time. It's obviously on purpose. Humph, she must have a crush on me!" The young man thought, "That's right, it's her. The girl who was watering the flowers on the balcony in a bikini."
[Travel] A young woman saw her boyfriend off at the train station. Half an hour before departure, they said, "I love you," and "I miss you." Twenty minutes before departure, the woman shed tears she had been holding back. Ten minutes before departure, they embraced tightly, their emotions reaching their peak. Just then, the announcement came over the loudspeaker: "The train is delayed by one hour and forty minutes."
[Drinking] The young man, considerate of the girl, said, "Sprite? It's sparkling and refreshing." "How about yogurt? It tastes like first love." "How about Wahaha purified water? Loving you is loving myself." The girl said, "I want beer, two bottles, please."
[Pull] A girl and a boy went on a picnic. They talked about literature the whole way. The boy said, "I absolutely hate tabloids, I can't be bothered to even look at them!" Suddenly, the boy got up to use the restroom, but couldn't find any toilet paper. On a whim, he bought four tabloids for five cents from a newsstand. Half an hour later, the boy came out, thoroughly satisfied, thinking, "That was fucking amazing!"
[Sprinkle] The girl hugged the young man's nephew in her arms: "Little elf, little baby, little darling, little angel." Before she could finish praising him, she knew that all of the above answers were wrong. This little thing was an unpredictable sprinkler truck.
[Birth] The husband said to his wife, "Let's name our son Jinzun! May his life be like drinking fine wine." After coming out of the delivery room, the wife said to her husband, "Let's name him Paper Cup instead! Jinzun for boys, Cup for girls."
The young woman said to the young man, "People say you look old." The young man replied, "If you like a banknote, why would you care what year it was issued?"
In her later years, Benedict Benedict greatly desired tranquility and often resided in a high-rise apartment in Paris, yet admirers continued to visit. One day, an elderly admirer came to see Benedict. He climbed the high-rise with great difficulty, arriving at Benedict's residence breathless. After regaining some strength, he asked, "Madam, why do you live so high up?" "Oh, dear friend," Benedict replied cheerfully, "it's the only way I can still make men's hearts pound."

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