53 Modern Jokes

page views:1 Publication date:2022-06-25

1. Today, I was shopping with a former crush from the girls in the mall when we ran into my wife. Just as I was wondering what to do, this idiot wife blurted out: "Are you two shopping together?"
Before I could explain, my classmate leaned closer to me, her face beaming, and replied: "Yeah, why isn't your husband with you?"
Damn, I'm doomed!!!
2. My wife was in postpartum confinement, and I cooked her a variety of delicious meals every day. After a month, she still weighed around 100 pounds...
I ate her leftovers every day, and my weight went from 150 to 180 pounds!!!
3. Tonight, I made scrambled eggs with tomatoes, but I added too much soy sauce, making it a bit dark. My husband came home and asked: "What's this?"
I casually replied: "Scrambled eggs with tomatoes... and black-shelled eggs."
So damn clever!!!
4. During a legal program on TV about telecom fraud, I said, "Why are there so many scammers these days?"
My wife replied, "People are so easy to fool these days!"
I said, "Easy to fool? I don't think so."
My wife said, "You still don't think so? You're so shameless. I was tricked into marrying you..."
5. My 3-year-old son has a black birthmark on his bottom. One day, while my wife was bathing him, I worriedly said, "Will this birthmark affect his ability to find a wife in the future?"
My wife replied, "No! By the time she finds out, it will be too late.
" She has a lot to say!
6. Xiaolan had just gotten married when her husband died in a car accident. Xiaolan's mother said to her daughter worriedly, "How will you live now? He was the pillar of your family! Now the sky has fallen!"
Xiaolan smiled bitterly and comforted her mother, "Don't worry, haven't you heard that there's always someone better?"
7. A little maggot looked at the buzzing fly and asked in confusion, "Will I really become like you in the future?"
"Of course! Then you can see everything!" the fly said proudly. The maggot was confused: "Then why am I white?"
The fly laughed: "That's called 'rising from the mud unsullied'!"
"But why are you really black?"
The fly looked disheartened and sighed: "You don't understand, society is a big dyeing vat!" @JianGe8
, The husband tried his best to say to his wife: "Wife, let's redistribute the housework!"
The wife narrowed her eyes and said: "How do you want to divide it?"
The husband said: "Housework is divided into talking and doing."
It goes without saying that talking is giving orders, and doing things is actually doing them. Wife: "Hmm, which one do you choose?"
Husband: "A gentleman uses words, not fists, so of course I choose the one who uses words!" Wife: "Okay!"
Husband: "Really? You'll be in charge of doing the work from now on?"
Wife: "Yes! From now on I'll give the orders, and you'll just have to tell me to finish the housework, or I'll correct you with my hands!!"
Husband:
9. A: "I looked at cars online today, but none of them suited me."
C: "What kind of car do you want?"
A: "Something I can afford with the money I get from WeChat red envelopes..."
10. The son found a condom in his father's drawer. It was oily and different from the balloons he usually played with, but it looked a bit like a balloon. So he asked his father curiously, "Dad, what's this?"
The father looked at it and felt a little embarrassed. If he told his son, it would be bad for him; if he didn't tell his son, it would dampen his curiosity. Dad thought for a moment and whispered, "This is a high-tech product with a very peculiar function, specifically designed to prevent tadpoles from mutating into humans..."
11. A: "A fat guy went to learn to drive, but after passing the written exam, he gave up because he couldn't drive on the road."
C: "How could that be? What's the reason?"
A: "After he got in the car, he found the steering wheel was pressing against his stomach, and after adjusting the seat, his feet couldn't reach the clutch..."
12. Two aliens came to Earth. One said, "The Chinese are truly amazing."
The other asked, "What's wrong?"
The first pointed to the four people sitting around the table and said, "They make the bricks so small!"
The second looked closely and said dismissively, "Precisely because they're so small, they can't build houses. You see, they keep building and pushing, but they can't build a high wall..." @Li Shaowang
13. School starts soon and Teacher's Day is coming up. Students are piling gifts on the podium—cards, flowers, fruit—the teacher smiled and said: "You don't need to give cards, flowers, fruit, etc. Just remember to take them back. Just fold a few origami cranes for me!" "
The next day in class, the teacher's desk was piled high with origami cranes made of hundred-yuan bills... The teacher smiled with satisfaction! @笑傲江湖女侠
14, I met Old Wang and chatted with him.
I said: The people in this community are very nice, they don't even need a password for the Wi-Fi. I've never installed Wi-Fi at home and have been using other people's for free!
Old Wang: That's nothing, the people in this community are actually even more kind than you say. Look, I've never had Wi-Fi and have been using other people's for free! @朵朵花开
15, I watched a boxing match at noon, and my grandma was watching too. So I asked her: "Grandma, do you understand it?"
Grandma: "Fighting, how could I not understand?"
Me: "Then Grandma, tell me who's stronger?"
Grandma: "I don't know who's stronger, but I know the one blowing the whistle in the middle is the one trying to break up the fight!" "@呦呦ta爹
16. Today, our Chinese teacher was giving us a lesson. Holding a piece of chalk, she said, 'Class, we can actually use pens to represent people! Selfless people are like chalk, upright people are like pens, and people with traditional values are like brushes!'
Suddenly, my second brother asked, 'Then, teacher, what kind of pen am I?'
The teacher kindly replied, 'That's right, you are 'what kind of pen,' it's rare to have such self-awareness!'
17. One day, I had a sudden inspiration and said to my girlfriend, 'Honey, let's film our lovemaking process as a short film, so we can reminisce about our youthful passion when we're old!' My girlfriend scoffed
, 'Forget it, other people's films can be considered short films, yours is just a GIF at best!'
I mean, damn it..."
18. I'm a magic enthusiast, and today I chatted with a magician. He said, "I have two top-secret magic tricks that are passed down only to men, not women.
One can only be performed twice in a lifetime, and the other only once." I was very curious and asked him, "What are they?"
He stroked his beard and said, "The one performed twice is called 'Broken Eggs,' and the one performed once is called 'Explosive!'"
I think I understand why it's "passed down only to men, not women"...
19. Today, my second brother and I went into a small video store. My brother whispered to the owner, "Boss, do you have any movies, preferably uncensored, you know what I mean?"
The owner nodded knowingly and secretly slipped a few discs to my brother. My brother happily paid and came back.
As soon as he played them, he started cursing the owner. I went over and laughed; the owner had indeed picked the right ones—it was Wu Ma's *A Chinese Ghost Story*...
20. Last night, my roommate and I were playing games in the dorm when my second brother came back from outside.
He said to me: "Brother, you still have the mind to play games? Your girlfriend ran off with someone else! Go check it out!"
My temper flared up, and I absolutely couldn't tolerate such a thing happening to me.
I grabbed a knife and rushed out, intending to finish off those two scoundrels. But then I saw my girlfriend and her best friend running...
Never mind, I'm currently looking for my second brother with the knife... @I'mNotSecondBrother21
, My son was reported by a classmate for cheating on a test, and the teacher called the parents.
When the father arrived at the school, he slapped his son twice: "Just thinking about it makes me angry." Teacher: "Parent, I understand your feelings, but hitting won't solve the problem." Father: "How can I not be anxious? I didn't expect this kid to be so unpopular at school." Teacher: "What does cheating have to do with popularity?"
Father: "If he were popular, would his classmates report him?" @PastEventsLikeTheWind22
, A mahjong player went to a senior university. The teacher was lecturing on "Preface to the Pavilion of Prince Teng": "The sunset glows and the lone wild goose flies together; the autumn water blends with the vast sky.
" "Could someone please explain this line?" the teacher asked.
A mahjong player stood up: "I know, I know Luoxia and Guwu, they're my two mahjong buddies. They always play mahjong together, they developed feelings for each other, and eloped. Qiushui and Changtian are also my mahjong buddies, they always get a pure suit."
"You, you, you, you're so talented!" Teacher. @Tang Yuqing
23. When you tell your parents you're feeling down, they'll say: Here's a few hundred yuan, take it and do whatever you want! Take care!
When you tell your lover you're feeling down, they'll give you a sweet kiss and say affectionately: Darling, tell me what's bothering you~ We'll bear it together!
When you tell your brothers you're feeling down, they'll say: Hahaha! Serves you right... @Laughing is better than crying
24. A young man visited his future mother-in-law. The old lady wanted to observe his performance, so she deliberately asked him to pour her
a cup of tea. The ordinary young man placed an empty teacup in front of his future mother-in-law, and then filled it with tea.
The artsy young man first poured half a cup of boiling water, then added cold water until it was about 80% full, and then handed it to his future mother-in-law with
both hands: "It's just right, enjoy it!" The silly young man poured a full cup of boiling water for his future mother-in-law, looked up at her and said: "Damn it, don't blame me if you get burned!"
25. A silly girl who didn't know how to speak properly caught a bad cold and went to the college clinic for IV drips every day. Seeing this, the doctor asked with concern: "Don't you have a boyfriend? Why don't you come to keep you company?"
Hearing this, the silly girl's old habit of speaking without thinking resurfaced. Without thinking, she blurted out: "Of course I have a boyfriend, he can't get away, he's in the dormitory taking care of his child!"
26. The wife had a fight with her husband and went back to her parents' house in a fit of anger. She angrily complained to her younger brother, "Your brother-in-law is bullying me! I can't live like this anymore! You have to get revenge for me!"
Her brother, hearing this, replied sullenly, "Sis, you're ugly and have a bad temper. Your husband is lucky to have married you. If I beat him up, and he gets angry and kicks you back, then our family will be in trouble!"
27. A husband came home from work to find a note from his wife: "My best friend is working the night shift. Her husband can't cook, so I'm going to help him. Just one meal off, I believe you can get through it! "
In the middle of the night, the wife returned home. Next to her note, she found another note from her husband: "My classmate is away on a business trip. His wife is timid, so I'm going to keep her company. Just one night away from you, I believe you can get through it!" @房钟客
28. Xiao Wang accidentally swallowed his gold tooth while eating lunch. So every time he flushes the toilet, he uses a plastic stick to look for it. I felt disgusted and couldn't help but ask, "Even if you find it, what can you do?"
Xiao Wang laughed, "This thing costs tens of thousands! If I find it, of course I'll wash it and put it back in!"
I immediately threw up after hearing that. @biao521ge
29. As soon as I got on the subway, I smelled a strong odor of chive buns. I sat down and glared at the man eating them.
The man seemed to sense something was wrong, put the bun away, and turned to me, saying, "Brother, I'm not eating the bun anymore. Could you put your shoes on? Let's compromise..." @呦呦ta爹
30. Ji Xiaolan knew that Emperor Qianlong often used the guise of incognito visits to brothels. He wanted to advise him but was afraid of offending the emperor. So, he had a brilliant idea.
That day, Qianlong went to a brothel again.
Two girls were brought in to accompany him for drinks. One of them was particularly beautiful and well-versed in poetry. Emperor Qianlong was very pleased and asked, "What's your name, young lady?"
The girl replied, "My name is Xiao Lan!" Qianlong exclaimed,
"Xiao Lan, that's a beautiful name
!" The girl said sadly, "No matter how beautiful it is, I'm still just a courtesan!"
Qianlong muttered, "Courtesan Xiao Lan, courtesan Xiao Lan, uh, Ji Xiaolan!!" Thinking of that outspoken and righteous official, Qianlong lost all interest and left dejectedly. It turned out that this Xiao Lan was arranged by Ji Xiaolan. @因风化龙
31. I was born in the Year of the Pig, and my parents were both born in the Year of the Dragon, so my dad's online name is "Two Dragons Playing with a Pig.
" 32. "Dad, why is my brother called Liberation?"
"We have a family tradition: when a child is born, whatever they see when they go out, that's what they're called. Your brother was born, and when we went out we saw a Liberation truck; your sister went out and it snowed, so she's called Snow White. Got it, dog shit?"
33. My son said to me: Dad, I want to be a rich second-generation.
The friend was taken aback at first, then chuckled and said to his son: "That's easy! When you grow up, give me all the money you earn, and you'll be a rich second-generation!"
34. Once, I made a big mistake and got a beating from my dad. My mom said, "Wow, honey, you were such a good man when you hit our son!"
After that, my dad acted like a man every few days...
35. A child asked his dad, "Dad, why do I always feel like I'm dumber than other people?"
His dad sighed and said, "Sigh, I'm sorry. When I was young, I was playful and threw you up five times, catching you four times."
The child...
36. Watching zombie movies, I felt the zombies were terrifying, but then I thought they weren't as scary as the cafeteria ladies, because they always liked to say two things: 1. Which student do you want to eat? 2. Look at all those people behind you, which one do you want to eat?
37. A terrifying social reality: Many contemporary female college students, just to appear radiant in front of their classmates, often get up an hour earlier than other students to put on makeup!
38. Actually, the reason I rejected those girls in junior high was 5% because my parents told me not to date too early, 10% because I wasn't interested in them, and 85% because I was more interested in games.
39. At the parent-teacher conference after junior high graduation, the teacher patted my head and said to my mother, "This child is very smart, but just doesn't study hard."
I thought I was special, just unwilling to become excellent. Only when I grew up did I realize that it was just a polite remark, like a waiter saying the food will be ready soon.
40. Are kids growing up backwards these days?
Elementary school student: "Grandson, your grandpa's here."
Junior and high school student: "Kid, be careful, Dad will get someone to beat you up."
College student: "You scared me to death! Are you angry?"
41. Compulsory education takes 9 years, while military service only takes 2 years. This illustrates the following:
1. Growing up in school is harder than growing up in the military.
2. Learning knowledge is harder than killing the enemy.
3. Holding a pen is harder than holding a gun.
4. It's harder to tease a teacher than a drill sergeant.
5. Student exams are harder than military training.
6. Mental labor is harder than physical labor.
7. Getting a graduation certificate is harder than getting a discharge certificate.
8. Taking off your school uniform is harder than taking off your military uniform. @Li Shaowang
42. Just now, a chubby girl bought a box of diet pills. As she walked out the door, I overheard her telling her friend, "Let's go to
a buffet. Anyway, I bought diet pills, so I'm not worried..." 43. My boyfriend is a rather conservative person. We've been dating for a year, and last night was the first time we slept together. Just as he took a condom out from under his pillow, I curiously asked, "Why do you men like to put condoms under your pillows?"
My boyfriend looked at me, gritted his teeth, put on his pants, and left.
Isn't this guy crazy? It's utterly inexplicable!
44. I recently started dating a girl, but her family disapproved. So I tried to solve the problem: during the day, I used a slingshot to shoot at her chimney, and at night, I smashed her windows with bricks. Finally, her dad and brother beat me up... It wasn't
until the village chief intervened and her mother promised to marry her daughter to me that I was finally discharged from the hospital and went home... Don't call me a scoundrel; the old-fashioned self-inflicted injury strategy still works quite well...
45. The smartest thing I ever did was when I was a kid! A few friends and I were playing together, and suddenly we started talking about why electric fans have three blades!
They didn't know, but I thought for a moment and answered, "Because the plug has three prongs, so it has three blades."
After I said that, they all admired me, and later they would come to me with any questions they didn't understand!
46. If there is an afterlife, I want to be as thin as a bean sprout, never relying on or seeking anything, naturally too thin to be blown away by the wind. Whether I end up as a splash of green in tomato and egg soup or a fragrant wisp of soy sauce, it will be a happy and fulfilling life.
The epitaph only had one word: "Dou Bi" (豆毕).
47. Once, I took a taxi, and the driver played a game called "Candy Crush" the whole way! Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore and yelled: "You think you can get a high score without using free items?"
48. Chinese men should be as profound as the Chinese language. If you do these four things, your wife won't run off with Old Wang.
49. Now even the phrase "Don't interrupt" is unbearable to look at.
50. Man: Do you want to go to graduate school?
Woman: Yes!
Man: Come on, I am!
51. My buddy said: "I've been away for two years. Today, when I came home, my four-year-old daughter called me 'Uncle,' and tears streamed down my face. My heart is broken!"
Me: "It's better than you being away for four years and coming home to your two-year-old daughter calling you 'Dad'!"
52. I often flirted with a female colleague at work, told dirty jokes, and we had a great relationship.
One day, she texted me saying she had argued with her husband and was sleeping at a hotel that night, not coming home! I thought a gentleman wouldn't take advantage of someone in distress, so I advised her to go home early. She replied with "Industrial and Commercial Bank of China," and then that was it. I still don't understand. (icbc)
53. First line: No girls, no friends.
Second line: Hands, tissues.
Final line: I'm a loser!

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53 Modern Jokes

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