My Sexual History, Part Twelve: True Love (Part Two)

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She was truly a remarkable woman. In her, I embodied all of a man's ideals. She gave a man everything a beautiful woman could give. Sometimes, she was a truly aloof and elegant woman, her eyes level, walking gracefully past all the men and women around her, seemingly oblivious to their presence. Other times, she was an intellectual woman. I remember once, she wore a cream-colored formal suit, carrying a small handbag, and walked gracefully towards me from afar. Long legs, a tightly fitted bottom, and a soft triangle of skin at the crotch. Both dignified and alluring. Sometimes, she would wear a short skirt and sit on the sofa in the hotel lobby waiting for me. When I approached, I could see her thighs blatantly bare, all the way to the top of her thighs. She sat with both demure composure and unabashed exposure. Truly a rare beauty. I gave her a large, colorful pearl necklace, which she always wore. Those enormous pearls, resting on her full breasts, were a perfect match. Whenever she walked through crowded places, her breasts bounced incessantly, naturally drawing attention. Women would glance at her, then look at me again, probably thinking, "Whose woman is this?"
I don't remember how we broke up. I only remember that about two weeks later, we started arguing for some reason. I vaguely remember it was about her. She called a lot. Sometimes we were being intimate, and the phone would ring suddenly; sometimes it was midnight. Sometimes my penis was still inside her, and the phone would ring, and she would answer. I would pull out my penis, still hard, and wait in the other room until she finished her call before I could put it back in. But that time, it just didn't feel the same. Sometimes she would turn off the phone. But after a short while, she would turn it back on. Clearly, she didn't want to truly reject those calls. Although we only talked about casual things on the phone, I felt hurt. Although we were just lovers, and I wouldn't interfere with your relationships, I was sincere. When I was making love with you, your phone calls often interrupted us. I'm a little unhappy.
It's been so many years, I honestly don't remember the specific details. When we broke up, I thought that one day I would truly forget it all. I was so genuinely invested in the love, and it's hard to let go. I even wrote down the last ten days we spent together in a spreadsheet.
May 31st,
early morning: You got angry because of my comment about "online dating." You left the apartment. I took you home in the morning.
June 1st, June
31st: While chatting online, I said something "absurd," and you got angry. We stayed at home.
June 2nd:
We arranged to meet at Meilin Pavilion. Upon entering, we had sex first, and I touched your vagina; it was so beautiful. But after sex, you still wanted to leave. June
3rd:
We chatted until 4 AM, then I picked you up and brought you back to my place. We had sex all night until noon. June
4th:
You were at my place. We ate at Jin Mao Tower. We looked at the Shanghai night view. We had sex on the balcony that night.
June 5th:
You were at my place. We went shopping. We had sex until the early morning.
June 6th:
You were at my place. We went shopping and had sex until the early morning.
June 7th:
We argued over a phone call in the early morning, and you left in the morning. When you left, my penis was still hard. You insisted on leaving.
On the night of the 7th
, you came to my place around 10 PM. We argued, but you didn't leave. We continued our battle until the early hours of the morning.
On the 8th,
you were here. We had sex twice, once in the morning and once in the evening. You were very into it, sitting on me until you were exhausted.
On the 9th
, you waited for me all day. That night, after arguing, we had sex. We argued again .
On the 10th
, you went home. I fucked you again at the door, trying to pull you back, but you still wanted to leave.
Five days later, I asked her out again. She came again. We drank at a bar. But I realized she was still angry. We sat there, and she didn't say a word. I grabbed her hand, but she didn't budge. I booked a room, wanting to fuck her cunt properly. When she was extremely aroused, she would forget her anger. But she couldn't say anything. I finally told her: "Then I'll take you home." After she left, I sent her a text message: "
I just came back from the bar where we used to drink. I feel terrible."
Why, over such a small misunderstanding, can you so recklessly trample on my feelings for you? You even escalated this to a judgment of my character, thinking I'm "nothing special," a "jerk," a "despicable person." If that's true, then what's the point of you loving me? What's the point of me having a woman who thinks I'm "nothing special," a "jerk," a "despicable person," love me? There's really no point. For you, there's no need to love someone who's "nothing special," much less a "jerk," a "despicable person." For me, there's absolutely no need for someone who thinks I'm "nothing special," a "jerk," a "despicable person," to love me.
Maybe we were both wrong. Maybe it really is.
But I don't regret anything that happened. Only endless regret that all that beauty was too short-lived.
You prayed that our love would last longer. I also prayed that we wouldn't hurt each other. But your words still echo in my ears, and everything has already happened.
Maybe I really wasn't good enough, so let me go. If I'm not as bad as you say, I can appreciate myself and don't necessarily need anyone's approval.
It's just that we were once close, we knew each other. I can't forget. Let all of this turn into sincere wishes. In the end, love is all that's left—this most sincere thing.
A few days later, she replied:
Darling, whenever I get angry with you, as long as your reasoning... and your insistence on love, or your rebuttal, I always change my response, don't I?!
Because it's because I love you so much that I have such lingering feelings...
All my anger, in essence, is just wanting to be cared for and loved by you! I'm just a woman who wants true love, who wants more care. My long hair is so damp and uncomfortable; you'd never understand! It doesn't matter if I don't reply to your messages!
Darling, I really miss and cherish those days at your hotel... being so carefully cared for and pampered... it's unforgettable for me!!! I
really, really want... to be deeply loved by you for the rest of my life...
This is my reply. So many years have passed, and I don't keep it in my email:
day after day, I know you're getting further and further away from me.
Yet, everything from the past becomes clearer, etched in my heart. You've finally become a beautiful phantom in my memory, frozen there, making me feel both desolate and warm every day.
I can finally reply to you here. Because I feel I'm strong enough.
Fortunately, no matter the ending, love endures. It's there, freely there, regardless of the comings and goings of fleeting clouds.
Your goodness, your beauty, your charm, are all there, freely there. I once possessed them, and I will always possess them.
No regrets, no resentment, no frustration; as you said, I accept everything with joy.
I haven't forgotten, nor have I ignored you; I simply want my heart to remain in the most beautiful memories of the past. Because those memories are so beautiful, I can't bear to destroy them.
I believe you will have abundant love to nourish your heart. I also wish your beautiful face would forever illuminate my dreams. Only when love fades will we truly understand that the essence of love is indeed blessing. I wish you love, I wish you happiness.
But everything is too fleeting, like a flash in the pan. You once prayed that our love would last longer, as if you had a sixth sense. I never imagined your prayer would become a prophecy of our love. A prophecy fulfilled. A prophecy realized.
I must bear this deep pain. The pain of missing you is no less than mine.
Love is pain, and not loving is also pain. Either way, it's pain. So I accepted her. I hope you think so too.
I'm not good enough, just as you said. But your love is good enough. So don't doubt her. I am external to you; when I'm not good enough, separate me. Love is yours, and it won't affect her because of my shortcomings. Love is, after all, a personal emotion. Cherish yourself, and love will be beautiful. I don't know if you can believe these words. I hope so.
Later, work got busy, and I didn't have time to think about her anymore. She sent me some emails, but I can't find them now. Here's my reply. By then, I had calmed down:
I received and saw your emails and messages on QQ. Thank you sincerely for your kindness. I believe we love each other. Perhaps I'm not good enough (as you said, "just so-so"), or perhaps we do have some differences. We often have misunderstandings when we communicate, and in some cases, these have hurt each other, some quite badly. I believe this is something neither of us wanted. We've both expressed this wish, sincerely hoping that we can bring each other joy and happiness, and not pain and sorrow. But it seems like the words had barely left our lips before everything happened. I hope we won't hurt each other again in the future. Especially me, I should try to do better.
You're going to Qingdao in early July, right? I guess when you return to Shanghai, you'll be traveling elsewhere. I'll go to Sanya first, then Yunnan, then Shenzhen, and I probably won't be back in Shanghai until late August. I'll be heading to the US in early September. I don't know if I'll ever have a chance to see you again. My sincerest wishes for your well-being.
After I went to the US, we met on QQ and chatted for a bit. I told her that the happiest time of my life was the time I spent with her. I told her I was truly grateful to her. She gave me boundless joy. I said: "When we were in bed together, I really wanted to die on top of you. The extreme pleasure and satisfaction were unparalleled." She said at the time: "You still want to play this game with me, right?" I said yes. She said, "Then let's meet again when you come back." A year later, I returned to China and asked her out again, but she had changed her mind. So it ended.
Now, I still have her number in my phone. Later, she even added me on WeChat. Occasionally, I still like her posts on WeChat. But we've never seen each other again. Now I'm too afraid to meet.
Below is a letter she wrote to me after the breakup. I'm posting this here to commemorate this love and everything I experienced. You, dear readers, are free to ignore it. I'm just putting it here for my own memory. One day I too will leave this world. But perhaps someone will still see it. These things, in a way, will endure.
There is such a deep love—
heavy and sorrowful…
My dear: I never easily called you that, not because I was stingy, but because I held back on this worldly love and the lover I pursued, thus having a cautious and unrestrained heart! Everyone has love and affection. I believe love has different depths, sizes, levels, and ins and outs. For example, my love:
when I first saw you, that unfamiliar yet familiar emotional touch gave me a shallow understanding of you: Who exactly is this person? What is their profession? What are their thoughts and character? What is their lifestyle? What level of existence do they live? He made me willingly and slowly approach him without hesitation, and willingly be embraced, kissed, and...and still enjoy it immensely. I abandoned my usual strictness and concealment, seemingly passive, but actually joyfully and blindly following him... At that time, I didn't want to say much, didn't want to think much. Unintentionally and greedily, I enjoyed this fleeting moment, an unexpected stop on my life's trajectory, even thinking I should just indulge myself quietly, because I couldn't resist his inexplicable allure, especially when facing those clear, bright, gentle, and affectionate eyes, like a powerful magnetic net that easily ensnared me... It aroused immense curiosity and longing in me... But my innate rationality and caution prevented me from crossing the line of my emotions... I was willing without considering the consequences, inexplicably willing, unrelatedly willing, because this was the greatest joy I had ever experienced in my life—a carefree joy, an unrelated joy, an absolutely private joy, a joy that would be over soon anyway, like being in a foreign land with no constraints, like this person somewhat resembling myself. Hey, interesting! Perhaps he's a gentleman! So, under this overwhelming and irresistible emotional influence, my only hope is that this adorable man who brings me joy will have good luck from now on. With the slightest sense of power I can feel, I have the genuine wish to kiss your forehead, whether willingly or unwillingly: Good luck!!! And that's it! That's all! It's a shallow joy, a faint thought, and a genuine perception of you. Though absurd, it's the sincere, youthful enthusiasm you exude, your elegant demeanor, your refined气质, your sincere beauty... and I joyfully accept and genuinely feel it... I can even subtly perceive your beautiful words and actions... making my long-held wish for such a "feeling" in my life truly arrive, and bringing with it a curious enjoyment! Such a bizarre encounter?! Why is this happening? I wanted to get some hints from you, but to no avail. Although I've silently prayed countless times to the heavens: Such a beautiful soul, who can cherish it? Is it suitable?! Am I just imagining it?! Why is it someone else again?! Lost in thought, unable to answer, why?! Oh well, nothing to gain or lose, nothing to care about, why worry?!
But what I saw in the elevator that day was truly heartbreaking, piercing my very soul... When I rushed out to offer a token of my appreciation, I couldn't find him... Back home, I couldn't help but burst into tears, unable to control myself for a long time... Every time I think of it, I feel sad and sorrowful...
A fleeting joy, a deep weeping, all happened in that moment, as if foreshadowing an unknown future: now! Isn't that so?!
I thought your departure would be the end, but who knew that the fleeting joy would turn into such a deep sorrow, a thousand knots in my heart... Because of another computer screen, another sight... I am no longer the same person I used to be!
Then one day, it seemed like someone suddenly reminded me, I clearly remember being led by a sudden impulse to retrieve that number from that time I was bored, but I had truly forgotten it, so I frantically searched through countless pages, searching, it was really annoying, really annoying, there were so many people with the same name, I'm dizzy! However, it didn't take long for me to finally get through it. I opened it, and yes, after confirming it, I immediately downloaded it, thinking I'd play it another day! But the next day, I really wanted to see it again, so I logged on with great interest. In the blink of an eye, a miracle occurred, leaving a deep imprint... It's said that those were your few days alone...
Qingming Festival is a time of parting sorrow, a burial, and a kind of helplessness. Yet, we met on such a day. Although it was a chance encounter, it was destined to be unforgettable. And when we met again online after you went back, I couldn't help but let my heart follow you, my emotions were drawn to you... The emotional world that I could once control so freely is now completely malfunctioning. How self-admiring and arrogant I was... Now I've ended up with a complete rebellion and utter defeat... Knowing there's no solace, I still act recklessly... without willpower, without sparing any effort! In sorrow, in loss, in melancholy, my heart is filled with emotions: it's the blooming of love, the shackles of emotion!
Silently I ascend the western tower alone,
the moon like a hook; lonely paulownia trees
in the deep courtyard lock in the clear autumn.
The sorrow of parting is tangled and impossible to unravel;
a unique flavor lingers in my heart.
What words could possibly express all the emotions, feelings, complexities, and sorrows within my heart...? My dear, do you know that this reunion, in just a few days, almost overturned so many years of bitter anticipation and waiting? There, I found balance in my moments of injustice; I found pursuit in my moments of confusion; I found solace in my self-discipline in my moments of adversity; I found faith in my moments of pain; I found steadfastness in my moments of peace... For so many years, day after day, my heart remained serene and open, believing that my waiting for love would eventually be rewarded; believing that good people are always blessed, that Heaven has its own arrangements! But what kind of reward and arrangement is this?! I strongly, strongly feel that this is what I have been waiting for, what I have been guarding, what I have returned to!! Hence, there is so much anxiety and unbearable pain, even what could be called an end! Because I met you, it was like withered trees blossoming in spring, like fish in water, like a harmonious melody, like the sun and moon shining together! Yet all these beautiful moments converged into a poignant, heart-wrenching, and endless cadence...
The arduous journey of those days is still vivid in my mind; the truth I held onto for so many years was instantly destroyed... A gloomy, disheartening, and utterly annihilated plight shrouded me... Without faith, my spirit crumbled and shattered, my already fragile heart was instantly shattered, and deathly silence returned! Yes, at this moment, there is still the deepest gratitude for being born; I cannot, absolutely cannot, let my thoughts turn to this! Emotionally, I cannot control myself, yet I must restrain myself! Death is insurmountable, and I lack the courage to live... My dear, you truly do not know how serious the problem is, how utterly devastated my mind is! Even a solitary rebirth after the apocalypse is nothing more than this: lost and powerless! My whole body is weak and collapsed, confined to bed. Life, I have no one to rely on; death, I know not why...
What kind of emotional exchange is this, that can so captivate one's heart! Or am I truly not meant to be loved?! What kind of reality can render a person so vulnerable?! This inexplicable, profound affection is so captivating, so soul-stirring... I can't stop, I want to cry yet laugh, I want to advance yet retreat, I want to break off yet continue—is it natural or unnatural? Should it be or shouldn't it? Contradictions clash, who is right and who is wrong?!
Moments of confusion, moments of clarity, it utterly torments my self-disciplined, self-restrained, and loving heart! Superficially, it's only been a short time; deeply, it has seeped into every cell of my being; and the words I utter can only sometimes defend myself, keeping people
at arm's length, and sometimes I can't help but cry out with deep emotion... What a depressed state of mind! Unrestrained yet restrained, reserved yet revealing, joyful yet painful, calm yet deeply contemplative... My entire being is a surging tide of thoughts, from the inside out, from the outside in, day and night, ceaselessly churning! This traditional moral code, filled with right and wrong, good and bad, should and shouldn't, is relentlessly ravaging me, binding me, suffocating me, yet I cannot stop it... I'm almost collapsing! But love, once confirmed, can be so captivating, so disregardful of others, so exhilarating, so secretly joyful, so intoxicating, so dreaming of distant lands, even to the point of saying what shouldn't be said, doing what shouldn't be done, hoping what shouldn't be hoped for... On a grand scale, there is self-reproach; on a small scale, there is self-immolation. Great love is hidden deep within, while small love is consumed by selfishness... So many thoughts arise simply because it is such a once-in-a-millennium encounter, exhausting centuries of long and boundless waiting... Only the long night locks in the clear autumn, never to see the sun again!
For some, love can begin so easily and end so easily, without any lingering regret, as if it never happened; it can build upon happiness, adding color to life... joyfully and freely, starting again and again, possessing, passionately pursuing... But for others, the burden of heavy repression, self-control, and the sighs of growing old... until all strength is gone... those weak, feeble sighs are the last bit of strength used, for she knows she will once again fall alone into that boundless, desolate wasteland, perhaps even becoming an eternally restless soul to follow the world! Only this increasingly withering body, this long-standing loss and helplessness, have gnawed away at every nerve and cell, leaving her wanting to shout but unable to utter words, only able to utter a long sigh, seemingly desperate, yet mournful, insignificant, its origin unknown, its destination uncertain!
Life is full of unpredictability, and truly, there are times of helplessness! But such people and events, both enlightening and disheartening, make one feel both a sense of clarity and a sense of loss. That seemingly ordinary yet incredibly kind, outstanding, and imposing man (a feeling I had at the time, later confirmed) compels one to sigh with admiration and dedicate oneself to him! He inspires respect and infatuation... causing that once proud and aloof heart to quickly shrink and submit, to bow down in submission, as if finding a kindred spirit, perhaps even willing to sacrifice for him! Yet reality leaves the inner conflict causing constant anxiety...
Such love is a bittersweet mix, heavy and sorrowful! My dearest, I want to tell you quietly that I can no longer live without you. In the long, quiet nights, memories flood back... I wonder if you, so understanding and sentimental, know that I have fallen deeply in love with you, respect you, pray for you, grieve for you, and miss you... and I know clearly that this will be eternal, a memory... which is why there is so much joy and sorrow. The curtain of love has only just been raised, like a door long sealed and nearly abandoned. Because of the intrusion of an outsider, the already slightly ajar door can no longer be closed tightly. No matter how hard I try, it is ultimately futile! My beloved
, like a star in the sky, is unreachable... There will always be, and inevitably will be, such a life form, because it has abandoned its essence, like a walking corpse, its emotions withered, its heart dead!
My love: my love for you is as deep as the sea, my heart can only ask the heavens! How unwilling I am to part, yet I can only wish you happiness and joy! No one can understand my sorrow, I have no words to send to the heavens! I wish you could know my heart...

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My Sexual History, Part Twelve: True Love (Part Two)

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