The Road to Sex

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The spring river's tide rises level with the sea, and the bright moon rises with the tide. Rippling waves stretch for thousands of miles; where on the spring river is there no moonlight? The river winds its way around fragrant fields, the moonlight shining on the flower forest like scattered snowflakes; frost seems to flow in the air unnoticed, and the white sand on the riverbank is invisible. River and sky are one color, without a speck of dust; the bright moon hangs alone in the sky. Who first saw the moon by the riverbank? In what year did the river moon first shine on man? Life goes on endlessly, generation after generation, but the river moon looks the same year after year. I wonder for whom the river moon waits, but I only see the Yangtze River carrying its flowing water. A white cloud drifts leisurely away, and on the green maple shore, sorrow is overwhelming. Whose boat is that tonight? Where is the moonlit tower of longing? The moon lingers pitifully above the tower, its light surely shining on the dressing table of the one who is far away. The jade curtain cannot be rolled up, and the moonlight returns even when brushed away from the washing stone. At this moment, we gaze at each other but cannot hear each other's voices; I wish I could follow the moonlight to shine upon you. Wild geese fly far but cannot cross the light, fish and dragons leap and dive, creating patterns on the water. Last night, in a dream by the quiet pool, I saw fallen flowers; alas, spring is half gone, and I cannot return home. Spring's flow is fading, the river flows on, and the moon sets again in the west over the riverbank. The slanting moon sinks deep into the sea mist, the road to Jieshi and Xiaoxiang stretches endlessly. I wonder how many will return by moonlight, the setting moon casting longings across the trees along the river. Mid-Autumn Festival has arrived again, mooncakes are sold everywhere on the streets, and looking at the round mooncakes, I can't help but think of this poem, "Spring River Flower Moon Night." Whose boat is that tonight? Where is the moonlit tower of longing? We have been apart for too long. I don't know if you still remember what I look like, but I believe that you, like me, will sometimes unexpectedly think of our past, whether sweet or sad, it is all our story. We cannot simply leave without a trace, but I hope to pack up and seal the past away, to savor it slowly when I think of you! ---To My Beloved
Everyone has two sides, just like the law of affirmation and negation in the development of things, which no one can escape. We show our sunshine and integrity to others, but only we know that we are still prisoners of desire. Today, on this platform where no one knows me, I want to write down some things that I haven't been exposed before, just to look back on the past and vent my inner repression. I hope that those who see this will not repost it.
My Sexual Journey Part 1: Sexual Enlightenment
I was born in a small mountain village in the south in the 1970s. The social atmosphere at that time was not like it is now, where you can freely express your individuality. People were strictly restrained. I remember that there was an older sister in our village who was dating a boy with the same surname from the village across the street. When the elders in the village found out, they immediately stopped her. The older sister also rebelled once and ran to the boy's house. The elders in the village went to the boy's house at night, caught her, tied her to a pillar and beat her. Although I was only seven or eight years old at the time, this incident made me realize that the power of the masses can overwhelm a person's individuality, so I always keep a low profile in my actions afterward.
After the land was distributed to individual households in the 1980s, people had their own free time. Some villagers started to go out to work, while others started small businesses. There was a bamboo craftsman in my village who used bamboo he bought from outside to weave household items to sell. Since there was no bamboo near our village, we were curious about the bamboo strips he used and often went to his house to play. Once, when I went to his bamboo-making room, I saw him putting his penis in the mouth of a little boy who was about three years old and letting him lick it. He looked like he was enjoying it. I was very curious, and he asked me to let him lick it too. But I felt embarrassed at the time, so I didn't let the little boy lick it. He told me not to tell anyone, so the adults never found out about it.
When I was in fourth grade, I began my sexual awakening. Back then, buying coal cost money and required traveling a long distance to fetch it. During summer vacation, almost every family's boys had to go up the mountain to chop firewood to cook for their families. There were many children in our village, most of whom were older than me. While chopping firewood, some of the older boys started imitating adult games. They divided people into pairs, acting as husband and wife, and inserted their penises into each other's anuses. The boy I was paired with was a year younger than me. Perhaps because his anus was small or we didn't know how to insert it, we couldn't get it in. While watching the older boys, we imitated them. Although the older boys seemed to enjoy it, I didn't experience any pleasure, so I stopped playing it. But from then on, I became interested in pretty girls and liked to look at them, but I was too timid to approach them.
In 1988, when I was in my third year of junior high school, my older brother went to my brother-in-law's house and sold bamboo with him. They bought bamboo from the mountain village, made it into bamboo rafts, and transported it down the river to the city. My brother-in-law was a retired soldier. Perhaps because he was married, he also bought some erotic magazines to read at home. One time, my older brother brought a few of them home with him. I saw them and picked them up to read. When I read the descriptions of sex, my penis naturally became hard, and the more I read, the harder it got. So I felt uncomfortable and lay on the quilt and moved around like an adult having sex. It felt very comfortable. That's how I started masturbating for the first time. After that, masturbation became a habit.
After graduating from junior high school, I was admitted to a nursing school. At that time, some of my classmates started dating, and I also had a crush on a girl, but I never had the courage to pursue her. Two years later, I was assigned to a coal mine hospital for my internship. There was a new doctor who was also working there. She was very lively and beautiful. At that time, the son of a doctor who worked in the mine's rescue team wanted to pursue her. After get off work, he would come to the hospital to see her and take her home after get off work. I felt very uncomfortable when I saw this, so I also found opportunities to hang out with this girl. My classmates who were interning with me encouraged me to pursue her. We even found opportunities to ask her to take us to her house, but considering that we were not guaranteed job placement and she already had a job, I felt I was not good enough for her, so I didn't dare to confess to her (later, when she got together with me, she said that she had no idea that I was pursuing her at the time).
After graduating from nursing school in 1992, I joined the army. At that time, the militia battalion commander of the village took me to the city for a physical examination. He took me to watch porn. Watching porn was indeed very exciting, and I wanted to find a woman to have sex with. However, I didn't have the courage, so I never experienced the pleasure of sex until the end of 1999.

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