My illicit affair with my student and lover (Part 4)

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After everything calmed down, although I reported to my superiors, Shanshan wasn't able to transfer smoothly. My wife occasionally made sarcastic remarks, but at least she didn't make things too difficult for me. A few days later, I couldn't resist being with Shanshan again. But I found that my feelings for Shanshan had changed. Before, it was love with sexual desire, but now it was gradually turning into naked lust and release. Perhaps her boyfriend and my wife thought that we wouldn't take the risk again. But in reality, if I wanted to, I could pull down Shanshan's pants anytime, anywhere, and take out my penis and put it in her mouth anytime, anywhere. I
remember one time vividly. There was a meeting at work in the afternoon. The long and dull meeting made everyone feel very bored. I took out my phone and sent Shanshan a WeChat message, telling her to get ready, I was going to fuck her in the office later. It was such a crude word that I got hard before the meeting was even over.
That day, Shanshan was wearing a skirt. I lifted it up, pulled off her underwear and threw it on the coffee table. I made her hold onto the back of the sofa with both hands, bend over, and stick her butt out towards me. Without foreplay, I thrust into her hard from behind. After only a few thrusts, I felt myself go soft, pulled out, and put it in Shanshan's mouth, making her lick it until it hardened. Then I changed her position, lying on the sofa, spread her legs, and fucked her again. Outside in the hallway, I could hear people passing by and talking, but these sounds suddenly no longer excited me; my limp penis slipped out again. Shanshan obediently squatted between my legs, her ponytail, tied with a hairband, swaying back and forth. The moment I ejaculated, all pleasure vanished, replaced by shame and embarrassment. My pants were down to my calves, my slightly overweight belly, my purplish-black, limp penis, and a woman in the room with disheveled hair spitting semen into a tissue. At that moment, I lost my once-arrogant pride, my youthful exuberance, and Shanshan lost her youthful glow in my eyes. We truly became a pair of adulterers, steeped in debauchery.
This was the last time I entered Shanshan's vagina. After that, we'd only do oral sex at most, never "close combat" again.
That summer, my workplace underwent a major reshuffle. The leader who had promoted me all along suddenly decided to retire early. The stated reason was that a higher-ups were planning a major reshuffle of the organization, but the underlying reasons remained unknown. I will tell his story later, including the ambiguous relationship between him and his wife, which I still haven't been able to verify.
In short, this was extremely bad news for me. I knew this change wouldn't just affect him; several other leaders I had a good relationship with would also be affected. For the past two years, I had been incredibly successful, but as the saying goes, the higher you climb, the harder you fall, and an inevitable storm in the workplace was brewing. Sure enough, the winds of change quietly swept through the organization. All work methods and departments were being restructured and reorganized. The newly appointed head of the department had a very poor relationship with the previous leader, naturally categorizing me as a "former official" and subtly undermining me.
The work environment became oppressive. But for some reason, I lost interest in satisfying my desires with Shanshan. When we chatted on WeChat, I would either rush through the conversation or, when lust arose, use rough language to tease her, even asking how her boyfriend usually had sex with her, half-jokingly asking if she wanted me and her boyfriend to have sex with her together. It seemed only this somewhat perverse teasing could release the pent-up anger of unfulfilled desire within me. But then, Shan Shan told me she and her boyfriend had just gone to the hospital for a checkup and she was over a month pregnant.
I didn't hesitate to believe it couldn't be mine. The last time we had sex, he didn't even ejaculate inside. But Shan Shan meticulously calculated the timing of our encounters, concluding that his timing didn't match up, and that he ejaculated on her stomach. The most likely explanation was our encounter. This left me feeling uncertain.
I cautiously asked Shan Shan what to do, and she said she wanted to keep the baby. I was terrified. There are so many similar plots in TV dramas: a mistress having a child out of wedlock, the man's family breaking up and the marriage ending. I clearly told her I couldn't marry her. Those hurtful words felt like knives, cutting my tongue. But Shan Shan said, "I don't want you to marry me, I just want to have a child with you. Anyway, he (her boyfriend) won't know who the father is."
I was cruel to Shanshan, and she treated her boyfriend even worse. In that absurd love triangle, I didn't know whether to be moved or horrified. Only years later, when I thought back on Shanshan, did I realize that perhaps no woman in the world would ever be so foolish as to treat me so naively, so uncomplainingly letting me manipulate and humiliate her. I wanted to confide in her again, but I had already thrown her far, far away, beyond my reach.
Shanshan's unborn child was eventually aborted by her boyfriend. Shanshan later told me that her boyfriend had been crying that day, saying they had killed a little life. I was speechless, silently giving Shanshan a day off, telling her to come back to work after she had rested.
Autumn arrived in the blink of an eye. Shanshan returned to work a little over a week later. I tried to read something from her face, but she remained calm, maintaining a superior-subordinate distance, respectful yet distant. She no longer came to my office alone, and almost never sent me messages outside of work anymore. I was constantly preoccupied with my future, barely paying attention to departmental matters. As for Shanshan, I could only let her be her own worst enemy. Sometimes, I wanted to be intimate with her, but I always restrained myself. Shanshan had become like a stranger to me. I couldn't imagine whether she would see me as an enemy if I didn't leave this company. In a society where desires are intertwined and people's hearts are complex, anything is possible.
At the end of October, I confirmed my resignation and needed to travel to a major city in central or southern China to meet with the head of my new company. I thought it would be difficult, but it went unusually smoothly. Perhaps it was because I had achieved some success in the industry, or perhaps it was because I encountered a benefactor, but I was able to enter one of the top organizations in the industry in the country. The work location was still in my original city, but it was a local branch of the organization. The salary and platform were much better than before.
My wife took leave and came to travel with me for a few days. We are both usually busy, and apart from our honeymoon, we had never traveled together since our marriage. During those days, my wife would deliberately hold my hand tighter when we intertwined our fingers. Exhausted from a day of fun, we returned to the hotel and had passionate sex, trying every position until we were drenched in sweat. My wife, lying in my arms, asked without looking up if I still wanted Shanshan. I honestly answered: Yes. Then came a silent night. The vagina is the gateway to a woman's soul, as Eileen Chang said, but once you reach her soul, you can't mend the cracks within it.
Before returning north, we went to the famous autumn foliage mountain in the suburbs. Unfortunately, the autumn leaves were almost gone, but that didn't spoil our good mood. After more than two hours at the summit, looking down at the vast earth, my heart swelled with emotion. Personal feelings became insignificant; everyone is just a bird or beast destined to scatter sooner or later. Good men and women, promiscuous women and scoundrels, are nothing more than a few tiny grains of sand in the rolling red dust.

The day I returned home, a heavy snow had just fallen. I first told Shanshan about my resignation, wanting her to be mentally prepared. Shanshan's reaction was unexpectedly cold, which left me somewhat disappointed. Perhaps she knew that I was powerless to do anything for her in this workplace. I believed that with her abilities, she would excel in the future, and with her beauty, she could easily find a bigger backer. In any case, it would be irrelevant to me now.
Several former students helped me pack my personal belongings from my office and put them in my car, but Shanshan never showed up. I had also bought that long sofa myself, and I generously gave it to the logistics department; they thanked me sincerely. In the few days I was away, a layer of dust had settled on the sofa; I wondered if it could seal away the absurd traces, grudges, and conflicts I had left on it.

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