A woman's moles 1-29 25

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(eleven)
"Are you taking the bus home too?" During my sophomore year winter break, Gu Xuan stood in front of me in the waiting hall of the long-distance bus station
, smoothing her bangs as she spoke.
"Yeah, you know, train tickets are hard to buy..." I suppressed my excitement and tried to appear
nonchalant and calm.
It was only then that I realized that the force that kept reminding me and pushing me away from Feng Ye
came from the attraction of the girl in front of me.
She is like Mount Kilimanjaro rising abruptly from the African plains, her pure white snow-capped peaks so lofty, aloof,
and standing out from the crowd.
The faint black mole on his chin came into my view once again.
"How have you been lately?" She looked somewhat haggard, her eyes had lost their usual sparkle,
revealing a sense of exhaustion, and her voice was slightly hoarse.
"I'm alright, how about you?" I finally managed to look away from her eyes and instead looked at
the , saying casually.
"Hmm...it's alright..." She seemed to hesitate, her gaze lowered as she looked at the slightly dirty floor.
"Can I switch seats with you?" Gu Xuan asked the person next to me.
The person seemed to be a student as well. Knowing that Gu Xuan's seat was in the front, he readily agreed.
For a long time after the car started moving, we remained silent.
Silence can sometimes be an attitude. It seemed that we both wanted to wait for the other to speak first, but we were also afraid that the other
would speak first. This contradictory feeling was very frustrating, so I had no choice but to lean against the car window and sleep.
Perhaps because I had sex with Feng Ye too intensely before leaving two days ago, I was very tired and fell asleep quickly.
When I woke up, I felt a bit heavy on my shoulders. I turned my head and saw Gu Xuan
sleeping soundly with her head on my shoulder.
I couldn't help but think back to this time last year, on the way home, when she leaned on my shoulder, the sunlight
streaming through the car window and illuminating her face.
I couldn't bear to disturb her, and I hope this beautiful scene will last forever.
"When did you wake up?" She lazily opened her eyes, and when she noticed me staring at her, a faint blush immediately
appeared .
"I just woke up too, it's okay. If you're sleepy, go back to sleep." I turned my head to look out the car window at the desolate wilderness, the rolling hills
in the distance , and the dark gray sun on the hills.
"I've had enough sleep..." she said shyly, getting off my shoulder. "I don't know how I fell asleep
leaning against you..."
"Hmm?" I turned my head and looked at her as she touched her face, which was slightly red from being pressed down. I pretended to be nonchalant and said,
"I said it's nothing. Actually, I was just thinking..."
"Oh? What are you thinking about?" she asked, tilting her head slightly, a crescent moon curving her lips.
"It was the same last year, except you were inside and I was outside."
"I..." She opened her mouth, her eyes reddening, and whispered, "I broke up with him."
"oh."
Another long silence followed, lingering between them, until she nervously twisted
the hem of her down jacket and stammered, "Don't you want to ask me anything?"
"I don't want to ask..." I replied, feigning toughness.
"I heard you're in a relationship again?"
"Um."
Then silence returned.
I don't know how I got through those nearly ten hours. I tried my best to keep my distance from Gu Xuan, afraid that I
would lose control and want to hug her. When we arrived in the county town around 7 p.m., it was already dark
. Under the streetlights at the station, she silently followed me outside, dragging her suitcase.
The road surface was slippery after the snowfall, and the soles of my shoes made a squelching sound
when I stepped on it, somewhat like the sound of a penis being inserted into a wet vagina.
To my surprise, I saw my cousin outside the station. She was covering her ears in the cold wind and stamping her feet from time to time.
"Guo Ying!" I was so happy to see her that I shouted loudly.
"Brother, why are you only getting here now?" she complained as she jogged over, taking the suitcase from my hand.
"The highway is slippery, there's a traffic jam." I reached out and touched the back of her head, which was covered by a hat, and said with concern,
"What are you doing here? It's so cold, I could have gone home by myself!"
"Waiting for you! Hehe. Oh, right, my aunt and uncle are here too..." she said, pointing to the side.
A man and a woman stood there under the streetlight; they were my parents. My father's back was still as straight as ever, but in the dim
light , I could vaguely see the graying hair at his temples. My mother's eyes were a little red, and she was trying to smile.
The scene was so unfamiliar to me that I blinked hard, thinking I was seeing things.
The resentment in my heart has never faded, even after so many years.
There was no tearful moment; I took my cousin's hand and said, "Let's take a taxi back..."
"But, brother..." Just then, she noticed Gu Xuan next to me, suddenly winked mischievously,
poked my arm with her finger, and whispered, "Brother, who's this? Your girlfriend?"
"..." I rolled my eyes at her, then turned to Gu Xuan and asked, "How are you leaving?"
"I can go back by myself, it's easy to take a taxi." Her gaze shifted back and forth between me and Guo Ying,
full of surprise.
"Oh, this is my cousin Guo Ying. I've been living at her house..." As soon as I said that, I regretted it.
Why did explain to Gu Xuan? She has nothing to do with me anymore. What right does she have to ask me to explain?
...
I stayed at my aunt's house that night, and I could see the resentment in her eyes. During dinner, she kept saying
that her older sister had just cried on the phone, hoping that I would stop being so willful.
Willful—I refuse to use that word to describe myself; things are far more complex than
can .
I was about to retort, but my uncle kicked me hard under the table, while smiling broadly and saying,
"Eat, eat... Your aunt made your favorite blackfish, eat more."
I cursed him inwardly for being henpecked...
As I was lying in bed drifting off to sleep, I suddenly received a text message from Gu Xuan.
She couldn't sleep and wanted to talk to someone, so she asked if it was convenient for me to call her.
I said it was too late and everyone in the family was asleep.
She could only ask me in a text message, "Are you still angry with me?"
我感覺她問的有點可笑，很想把手機摔到她的臉上。怎麼會不生氣，怎麼會
原諒她？
或許她等了很久沒有收到我的回復，她又發了一條：「明天想見見你，行嗎？」
我真的無法拒絕她的誘惑，雖然內心裡不斷告誡自己，不要答應不要答應，
可手指卻不受控制的打了兩個字：「好的！」
（十二）
「喝點什麼？」顧萱問道。脫下羽絨服的她，穿著黑色的毛衣，很貼身的那
種，勾勒出胸前圓潤的曲線。
「隨便。」
「你每次都說隨便，難道我就這麼隨便嗎？」她抿著唇笑道，依稀還是之前
的那個她，下巴上的那顆痣也是那麼熟悉。
我白了她一眼，說：「咖啡，你也喝咖啡吧，天太冷，別喝涼的了。」
「嗯，那你等等！」
窗外飄著雪花，也正因此，店裡的人不多，很安靜。中央空調送來的暖風讓
午後的我有點腦袋有點昏沈。
很快她端著兩杯咖啡回來，輕輕的將一杯推到我面前，手掌撐著下巴笑嘻嘻
的看著我道：「我發現你胖了……」
「哦？是嗎？」我摸了摸自己的臉，感覺沒啥變化。
「嗯，你自己肯定感覺不出來。」
擺在我和她之間的兩杯咖啡，冒著淡淡的熱氣，在這個冬日的午後，氤氳起
一股旖旎的氛圍。
咖啡的味道混合著熟悉的體香，不斷的衝擊著我的嗅覺。彌漫的熱氣讓我無
法看清她，只是那雙閃亮的眼睛猶如黎明的星辰還是深深的吸引了我。
「看什麼！」她嘟著嘴嗔道。
「啊……」我低頭喝了口咖啡，掩飾著尷尬。「你瘦了……」
「我媽也這麼說。」，她的情緒有些低落，低聲道。
沈默了一會兒，我感覺非常不自在，但又不知道該說什麼，直到最後我開口
道：「你想聽故事嗎？」
「好啊！」她擡頭驚喜的拍著手說道
「話說很久以前……」
「嘻嘻，又是很久以前……」她雙手撐著下巴，滿臉笑意的道。
我沒有理他，繼續道：「有個人，有爹有媽，但從很小的時候，估計從他記
事起，就很少有人關心照顧。那時候的他只知道父母在外面做生意，早出晚歸，
有時候還經常出差，一年裡的很多時候他只能一個人在家。
「後來聽小姨說，他直到三歲才會開口說話，之前一直被當成啞巴。呵呵
……很小的時候，他便一個人在家玩兒。家裡的玩具很快就玩夠了，不久後無意
中進了父親的雜物間，裡面有很多好玩兒的東西。錘子、鑿子、螺絲刀、電錶、
銅線、滑輪，甚至還有一台汽油發電機，他很開心，這些東西能讓他百玩不厭。
「雖然有時候父母也會在家陪他，不過次數卻很少。他還記得小學的時候，
父親手把手的教他拉著牆上佈滿灰塵的小提琴，還有二胡。那段時間是他童年少
有的美好回憶，可惜後來似乎他父親的工廠倒閉了，欠了不少錢，然後父母更少
的回家了。才上初中的他，每天自己做三餐，晚上在毫無人氣的家裡睡覺……
「他討厭陌生人，因為他很自卑，他只喜歡一個人默默的做著喜歡的事情。
他的朋友很少，甚至沒有哪個女孩兒願意跟他說話，因為他的衣服總是髒髒的
……不知什麼時候他得了一種病，鼻子不透氣，平時只能用嘴呼吸，經常流鼻血。
直到中考前嚴重得驚動了老師，父母才帶著他去醫院檢查，換了好幾個醫院才知
道原來裡面長了一個腫瘤。中考完後在北京一家醫院切除了腫瘤，主治醫生看著
瘦弱矮小的他，對他的父母說再耽誤點就完了！那個腫瘤一直在長，不斷的壓迫
大腦，抑制生長激素的分泌，要不這麼大了還這麼矮……
「從那以後，他便對父母產生了深深的怨恨。就連進入手術室之前，他都倔
強的推開了攙扶他的父親，冷笑著看著父親……上高中後，他便一直寄宿在學校
附近的小姨家。小姨家有個漂亮的表妹，很快他倆便無話不說了。他覺得表妹很
平易近人，不像其他女孩兒總嫌棄他，於是很多事情他都喜歡跟表妹講。小姨對
他很好，就像母親一樣照顧他，他再也不用每天自己做飯，也不用再穿髒衣服了，
再也不用被同學嘲笑了。
「只是，他改變不了自卑的性格，在學校裡他變得越來越孤僻，就連一直暗
戀的女孩兒，也只敢偷偷的看著她的背影，更不用說對她表白。高考後，他背著
所有人偷偷的申請了助學貸款，在學校裡又找了份勤工助學工作，他為了掙錢，
每週去家教、發傳單。在大學，他認識了一個女孩兒，那個女孩兒很美很美……」
我頓了頓，感覺有點渴，喝了口咖啡，繼續低頭說道：「那個女孩兒幫著他
發過傳單，在知道了他很少吃肉後，還每次都特意打多了菜，說自己吃不了這麼
多。他很想拒絕這種關心，因為他其實是一個自尊心很強的人，很多時候他都覺
得這是一種施捨。可最後他卻無法做到拒絕，因為他感受到了家的味道，他甚至
都不記得上一次母親給他夾菜是什麼時候。木訥內向的他只能將這些都藏在心底，
甚至不敢對那個女孩兒說一句我喜歡你！直到有一天晚上，突然下了一場大雨，
他和那個女孩兒在屋簷下避雨。女孩兒的衣服被雨水打濕，瑟瑟發抖，最後在女
孩兒的要求下他抱著女孩兒取暖。他很開心，他覺得從那一刻女孩兒就是他的女
朋友了，因為他們擁抱了。在宿舍樓下，女孩兒一直沒有等到他主動說出我喜歡
你，事後他才明白原來他是多麼的傻……」
「別說了！」對面的顧萱似乎哭了，我擡頭看著她。
桌上的咖啡已經失去了熱度，我和她之間只有透明的空氣。她的眼圈紅紅的，
美麗的眼睛裡暈滿了水光。
我沒有理她，低頭攪動著咖啡繼續道：「大一的五一，他和女孩兒出去玩兒，
晚上住到了一起，他們瘋狂的親吻，在他要進去的時候，他突然害怕退縮了。他
很害怕之前和女孩兒的那種溫馨的感情突然扭曲破碎，他害怕自己沒有能力保護
照顧女孩兒，他更害怕一種叫做責任的東西，因為他從小就缺乏那種責任的照看
……他混蛋的對女孩兒說，他配不上她。於是女孩兒便離她而去……」
「嗚嗚，求你別說了！」她一把抓住了我的手，碰到了杯子，咖啡流滿了桌
子。
"I don't know, I really don't know it's like this, sob sob..." She cried so hard that curious glances came from
afar .
"Don't cry, don't cry!" I patted the back of her hand and kept wiping away her tears across the coffee-covered table
.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so stubborn, I shouldn't have been so angry, I... Waaah..." She
kept shaking her head and biting her lower lip.
"Okay, it's all in the past. I've said everything I wanted to say, and you know everything you wanted to know. It's alright now,
don't cry, it wouldn't look good if someone saw you crying."
"Waaah, I don't care, I just want to cry, I hate myself..." She turned her tear-streaked face toward
the window , frantically wiping away her tears.
After an unknown amount of time, she calmed down, her eyes red, and said, "Why didn't you tell me these things back then?
Why didn't you say anything that day on the playground?"
"Which day?" I asked, puzzled.
"On the day military training ended..." she said, lowering her head awkwardly.
"Oh, that day..." I remembered the boy who called her "Xuanxuan," and
her hand that was in his.
"I don't know what to say. Seeing you holding hands with someone else hurts me... Although I have so much to say to you, I
can't say anything in the end. You know I'm bad with words."
She chuckled and said, "You're really bad with words?" A moment later, she immediately pouted and said, "Yeah, I am pretty bad.
Sometimes I just want to kick you a few times to vent my anger. I'm like a block of wood!"
Her tear-streaked face did not diminish her sneer in the slightest; like a peach blossom after a downpour,
it only made her look more charming and alluring.
"Where...where is your girlfriend?" she suddenly asked, feigning nonchalance.
I paused for a moment, looked into her eyes, and didn't know how to answer.
"She went home too,"
I said, touching my nose.
"How is she?"
"Yeah, it's fine," I replied casually, then, afraid she would continue the conversation on this topic, I immediately asked,
"Have you guys had any get-togethers lately?"
"Yes, in a couple of days. There are still a few who haven't gone home yet. What about you?"
"Hehe, they also notified me to go, but I think I'll pass. I didn't have many friends in those years, and I would feel
very uncomfortable if I went."
Her eyes reddened again, as if she remembered the story I had just told.
I checked the time and said, "Let's go for a walk; it's too stuffy inside."
The snow was expected to fall heavily, and in a short time, a thin layer of snow was spread on the melted ground.
"It's rare to see this much snow in NJ..." Gu Xuan said, her scarf wrapped around her neck. Her
black boots crunched on the snow.
"Well, it's in the South. Maybe it started snowing there after we left yesterday."
"Ouch!" She slipped and grabbed my arm in a panic, almost making me fall.
After finally managing to steady themselves by holding onto a lamppost, the two looked at each other's disheveled appearance and burst into unrestrained laughter.
She didn't let go of my arm. As I walked forward, she tugged at my coat sleeve like a little follower.
I stopped and said helplessly, "Aren't your hands cold? Besides, it wouldn't look good if other people saw!"
"I don't care, I'm willing!" she pouted and said, then rolled her eyes and smiled sweetly, "You're
right, my hands are cold, feel them if you don't believe me..."
After saying that, he took my hand, and the icy touch made me shiver involuntarily.
"Your hands are still warmer..." she said, pursing her lips.
Amidst the swirling snowflakes, I held her hand, tightening my grip, and our bodies drew closer and closer
until she gently nestled into my arms, murmuring, "So warm, such a familiar scent..."

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