Sex is an addiction you can't quit, but what I'm drawn to is this feeling of decadence.

page views:1 Publication date:2013-05-05

I went out to eat tonight. It was a bit far, and I ate quite a lot. I had promised my wife I would make love tonight, but when I got home I went to bed and fell asleep. I woke up in the early hours of the morning and couldn't fall back asleep, so I'm writing this rambling entry in my journal.
I feel that sex and desire are like addictive drugs. After learning about sex as an adult, I fantasized and anticipated it daily. After encountering one-night stands and casual sex with spouses, the world opened a door to desire, somewhat like the line from *A Chinese Odyssey*: "Before, I saw things with my physical eyes. But at the moment of my death, I began to see the world with my heart's eye, and everything could be seen more clearly than ever before." I think many friends in this community have had similar experiences, the initial shock of learning about this world. However, when I'm with my parents or watching my niece play, I feel guilty when I think about these things. I've tried to quit more than once, but it feels like falling into an abyss of desire from which there's no turning back, just like the feeling in *Journey to the West*: "I don't know if this is a paradise for the flesh or a hell for morality."
Even worse, some people once sought their own faith, but both Christianity and Buddhism strongly opposed these behaviors. Jehovah said, "You shall not commit adultery, you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife." Buddhism even has the saying that adultery leads to the ninth level of the oil cauldron hell. I clearly remember that at Shaoming Temple in Tianmu Mountain, while my friends were all devoutly prostrating themselves in prayer, I stood far away looking at the picture of the eighteen levels of hell.
So, like most people in the amusement park, I consoled myself that life is short, so seize the day and don't regret it later. But think about it, is everyone really doing it all for sex? Probably not entirely. Shanghai is a somewhat repressive city; I don't have childhood friends or brothers to drink with. Every time I go back to my hometown, I meet up with my old buddies to let loose, eat and chat. Some of them will go to prostitutes, while others, like me, who strictly refuse, will wait downstairs. Waiting for someone to come downstairs is like waiting for a friend to go to the toilet. I think those who go to prostitutes are just releasing that restlessness. Sex is part of the indulgence, but not the purpose. What everyone enjoys more is the feeling of indulgence.
The same goes for online dating and forums. As many people say, those who spend all day online are just losers; it's not that easy to pick up girls. If you pay attention, you can find girls everywhere in real life. When I was in school, I managed to hook up with a few female classmates in just a few days. Even with a female classmate in my lab who had a boyfriend, I easily slept with her when she was in a bad mood. But online, it takes at least three to five months to chat up and sleep with a girl or a married woman. Of course, there are also quick matches and one-night stands, but after learning about safe sex, I firmly oppose one-night stands. I sometimes wander aimlessly online, reading other people's experiences and fantasizing. Later, I realized that perhaps many people enjoy this feeling of indulgence.
After graduation, I honestly found a girlfriend, dated, and got married. However, I found it hard to recapture the decadent spirit I'd carried since my single days. Coupled with the pressures of work, and being newlyweds, we lacked passion for sex. I preferred to satisfy my desires with porn, like before. With marriage and family, I lived a more subdued life, avoiding any romantic advances. Realizing life was ultimately dull, I tried discussing these topics with my wife. Her traditional views shifted from initial aversion and disgust to understanding others but not her own, and finally to saying we could try if the opportunity arose. Later, pressure from both families led us to plan for a baby. Like many overly sensitive people, I started reading, exercising, and paying attention to my diet. I'm glad I hadn't tried before. Women are often more sensitive about this; when a friend's wife was pregnant, he wouldn't even allow him to swear, and my wife was no exception. I resolved to be content and obedient with my wife through this special time.
But the boredom of life is hard to bear, so I still often come online to browse and see other people's stories. Today I added a friend from a group that lives quite far away. Since I decided not to do anything during this period, I deliberately chose someone from afar so we could chat without any ulterior motives. My brother wasn't online, but his wife was. We chatted for half an afternoon. She seemed to still have reservations about this, but after chatting all afternoon, her concerns seemed to have subsided. I also enjoyed it very much. Even when I ate out that evening, my mind was filled with our conversation. Later, I realized that this afternoon seemed more meaningful than meeting in person and going to bed together. After the climax of sex comes an endless emptiness, and if you don't know the other person well, you don't want to say another word. But this kind of chat is different. It's a spiritual exchange, where we can unreservedly expose all our inner thoughts, and our minds can be filled with endless imagination. I like this feeling. Although Chairman Mao said that any form of dating without the intention of marriage is immoral, and chatting on a forum without the intention of meeting in person is also immoral, I still think that all friends currently engaging in this activity should lower their expectations, communicate sincerely, and when they meet the right person, perfect sex will naturally follow. Meeting the wrong person and rushing into sex might disrupt everyone's positive mindset. The key is to enjoy the whole process; sex is part of the process, not the whole thing.
P.S.: People say you pay off debts with your life before thirty, and then use money to buy back your life after thirty. I'm turning 29 this year, and I'm never staying up late again! :"(

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