Oral

page views:1 Publication date:2013-06-20

Difficult statement
When I got back to my dorm at 10:30, I went straight up to the sixth floor . The three numbers on the doorplate, 619, seemed to smile indifferently at me, as if scrutinizing my sudden arrival … I shook my head helplessly and turned back downstairs — my dorm was on the fourth floor. I knew I was a little “ preoccupied . ” I’d been staring at the computer for two hours now, my mind overflowing with guilt. With nothing to do, I ate a snack, drank cola. Food made me simple, careless, and indescribable … But continuing might just lead to more staring, or meaningless writing and deleting, deleting and writing … The feelings building up inside me lacked the courage to openly express them … I won’t embellish, I won’t be sarcastic, and I don’t want to be a hopeful storyteller, adding a happy ending or touching plot to every story. I’m just wondering how to tell a story without hurting kind people. I’ve sent out SOS messages late at night, and a friend said: “ Follow your heart … Real things always have regrets …” My own heart? I don't even understand myself, so I think I'll just make a simple, difficult statement .
Today is my partner's birthday, and I only just sent him a birthday message around 12:30. I've been thinking about how to record these past two days—whether to gloss over it or downplay it, but whatever the reason, I need to leave myself an opportunity to reflect on it. Many friends have found out about our whereabouts these past two days, and some are eagerly awaiting my account, I know. However, I might disappoint you all, because what you see won't be happiness, or rather, not pure happiness, or perhaps it will only be considered luck. We simply met a wonderful couple, a very simple, kind, warm, and loving couple. We met them (I will refer to Mr. C as C and his partner as Q ) at a restaurant in Tianjin. Knowing we like spicy food, they thoughtfully treated us to hot pot. Seeing them wave, we sat down facing each other and started talking about the weather, the climate differences between Tianjin and Beijing. Later, the men's conversation shifted to cross-strait relations, while Q and I remained relatively silent. I didn't dare look at C ; I felt I would reveal my expression or intentions. For a moment, I felt like I had fallen from a height of fantasy to the ground; the clear sense of falling brought clarity to my mind. To be honest, I think we're better suited to be friends than to engaging in sexual games. Sure enough, when we went to karaoke after dinner, everyone relaxed and forgot what they were actually supposed to be doing. My husband was very happy, drinking beer and singing old songs from his memories, as if he were back in the season of love. He held the microphone in one hand, pointed at me with the other, and sang " My favorite is you ..." His dreamy eyes touched me. They sang a duet intimately and were also very happy. We all passed the time so casually; the dim lighting didn't create any feeling, and the love songs we sang were just beautiful notes ... None of us knew what we should or shouldn't do.
十一点半的样子我们一起坐出租去他们家里。这是一个很典型的二人世界，室内简洁温馨，从客厅走出去，外面有一个大大的凉台，我拥挤的心情忽然得到片刻的放松，夜风很温良。C在走上凉台时用手在我的腰上作了短暂停留，我突然变得紧张。坐了会，我去洗澡，Q给我拿了件她的睡衣，我一再叮咛丈夫我要穿不暴露的，但是最后出来时，我还是发现了自己漏出的小半个胸和清晰可见的乳晕……我双手掩着胸，坐在丈夫旁边。大家也都轮流着洗澡，其余的人都较沉默，那时有个台在播射雕英雄传。完了之后我们都本分地坐在客厅看电视，一直到次日凌晨一点多。灯光很明亮，大家彼此没有一丝暧昧，于是女主人关了客厅的灯。大家开始心照不宣地笑了。我其实有些勉强，因为C不是我喜欢的类型（很抱歉）。可是灯灭了，视觉上的压力小了很多，所以，我们就开始营造一种暧昧。大家坐一张沙发时，C搂住我的肩，右手揽住了我的胸……我没有拒绝，那时情景控制了一切。我看见丈夫很规矩地坐着，我突然觉得对不起Q，就用眼神鼓励丈夫。那时我是轻松的，也许是身体的短暂快感使我有了少有的宽容与接纳……
后来我们分别在两个房间做了，感觉是陌生的。因为习惯不同或者其他原因，我的快感没有如约而至……在我们做的过程中，C一直惦念着他的爱人，我头偏向一边，理解地笑。后来Q过来看我们了，只一眼，又跑了出去。Q出去以后就哭了……
这使我想到了自己……可奇怪的是我没有一滴眼泪，甚至找不出悲伤的影子……我和丈夫还有C都在安慰她。她哭得很有感染力，她的眼泪使这个游戏中感情的成分加重，我觉得真实就很好，如果大家都沉醉于纯粹的身体上的快乐那会使我们觉得更悲哀，甚至我们会开始怀疑自己对待爱情的态度。女人总是有些敏感，我很爱怜她，就像怜爱自己。于是我让丈夫抱着她，我则在身后抱着丈夫，其实那一刻我也需要他，只是我没说出来而已。我头贴在他的背上，感觉他胸部的温度。这个我熟悉的温暖的怀抱……我不忍离开。很长时间她情绪才稳定下来，我觉得那是因为两个男人的同时安慰。我和Q都认为在这个游戏里男人得到的快乐多于女人，那时我们很友好。她的笑很迷人。分别冲完澡，我们又重新坐回客厅。大家商量着晚上怎么睡。
其实在洗澡时我就对丈夫明确说了：“我不想和C整个晚上都在一起。”这是真的，当时并没有想到我也不希望我的丈夫抱着别的女人过夜。我只是从我自身出发而强烈要求的。所以大家在讨论时都尽量遮掩自己的态度。当然，明确地表达出来肯定或多或少地伤害到某个脆弱的灵魂。我笑着说：“我还是不习惯和陌生人睡。”，如果开着灯，大家会看到我坦诚的丝毫不加掩饰的微笑。大家其实并不很赞同我，因为他们还在讨论。“你们决定，我随便。”他们三个都这样说。我突然有一种悲哀……情绪很低落，但又很执拗。也许他们都期待一种新的睡眠的感觉。我坚持：“还是和自己人睡吧，要不然……真的不习惯。”
他们同意了。因为我的理由冠冕堂皇。我和丈夫回到房间，当然地发生了一丝不快。我是个自私任性而又刁蛮的女人，我责怪丈夫不顾及我的感受，责怪他不疼惜我，责怪他并不如他所说的那样爱我，责怪他的种种……我刁钻古怪的问题常常诘问得他有口难辩，我打他，掐他，拧他，我让他发誓说爱我……我背过身去，双手抱肩，头发寂寞地垂在胸前，我泪流满面，鼻息沉重不堪，我觉得性使一切变得脆弱，我悲伤，我恐惧，我孤独……
我想着任何一个值得我怀念的男人：我想到Z，就非常想在凌晨三点钟发短信告诉他我想他，想他纯洁到单调的情感，我知道他会说世界还是纯净的好，于是我就非常怀念以往纯净的生活……想到小唐，想到WXY，想到WY，想到陌生的“心情”……那时随便任何一个向我表示过关心的人，都可能成为我的倾诉对象……我的泪已经打湿了鬓角的头发……正在这时，C推门进来了，对丈夫说他们换一下睡吧，我一听非常非常不高兴，但是没说一句话，我的鼻息声让他觉出了异样，于是他问我丈夫我怎么了？丈夫说哭了，他问为什么，丈夫说不知道。于是他说那你们睡吧……
C走后我故作平静地说：“失望了吧？要不你过去？我一个人睡挺好……我不会生气的，真的。”
丈夫笑，他用力抱我。我躲，他就使劲抱，我再躲，他再抱……
终于，我很委屈地钻进他怀里，数说着他种种的不是，并且哭得一塌糊涂……
他开始吻我的耳垂……我们很好地做了一次，出了一身汗，但又随即沉沉睡去，我还是依旧的姿势，从背后紧紧地抱着他……以前总是他把腿搭在我的身上，但是怀孕以来，丈夫为了不使我的腹部受压，就一直保持这样的睡姿，所以，这个姿势就变成了我们现在最佳的入睡姿势。早上起来时已经十点多了，我亲吻丈夫，他有点兴奋，我就劝他去隔壁房间，他说不去，我知道是说给我听的，但还是挺高兴……女人就这一点傻……我不知道自己的心情为什么莫名其妙地就好了起来。他过去了，C过来了。
C又是很牵挂妻子，问我：“你说他们完了没？” 我说你去看看吧。他说你去不去，我说我没有那个勇气。他就过去了，一会就过来了。我问：“完了没他们？” 他说：“完了好像。” 于是，我穿上衣服，心里一阵发紧，但还是勇敢地说：“我也去看看。” 丈夫坐在床边，Q也坐着，两人有一定的距离。看见我过来，他们笑。我说怎么样？丈夫说：“不行了，有压力。” 我问为什么，他说：“老担心有人过来……” 我说：“我可不是有意要过来的，是他说你们完了我才过来的” 我的解释是正确的，但是正确的解释恰恰为我的真实想法作了很好的掩护……我还是很自私。于是，大家一起起床，洗漱。然后男人们下楼买菜，我在客厅看电视，她在上网。后来男人们做饭，她帮忙打下手，我则在里间上网。看见TT 和“心情”在线，就像是遇见了亲人，无法言说的委屈一下子涌了上来……他们安慰我，开导我，甚至责怪我，但无论怎样他们都是为我好。那是那一天里我得到的最好的礼物……“心情”甚至打电话过来要安慰我，要听我的倾诉…… 丈夫看见我聊天很宽容地笑笑，他知道我在寻找安慰，那是他所不能给的。
During the meal, C meticulously served his wife rice, picked out food, poured her drinks, and even took care of cleaning up the dishes afterwards … He's a good husband, and Q is very happy.
After lunch, Q and C were making love in their room, and my husband filmed it. At the time, I was extremely lenient (now I realize I was being dishonest; I wonder if I could still be considered honest saying this now, haha) and said to my husband, " You three come on, I'll film you. " My husband shook his head and gestured for me to look at them. Only then did I feel a little less depressed.They were very affectionate and engrossed in each other. Later, they suggested we do it too, saying we should record it together . So, our two families each did our own thing on the same bed. We kept to ourselves, like water from a well and water from a river. But I felt so good, and I fainted on top of my husband again ... I love this, I love my husband so much, and at this moment I can only accept this kind of love. Later, everyone felt that this went against our original intention. Yes, how could a 4P be like this? So, we naturally changed it. I watched my husband moving vigorously on top of Q , a smile on my face. Q 's moans grew louder. C asked, " Is it good? " Q didn't have time to answer ... I felt like a spectator in the audience ... even though C was working hard on top of me ... C ejaculated. I looked at my husband, he glanced back at me, and finished quickly too. Q lay in bed for a long time, too weak to move, while C gently stroked her the whole time ...
C made porridge for dinner , which we enjoyed.
Afterwards , Q went to the inner room because she had work to do, while the three of us watched a DVD outside. It was "The Pianist." Although I had heard of it a long time ago, this was the first time I had seen it. It was indeed very good. They have a lot of good movies. C has a hobby of collecting these.The scene was beautiful. I sat between them, next to my husband, with a slice of watermelon C had cut in front of me. There were no lights, only the flickering light from the TV screen following the plot ... We chatted happily ... C 's left hand fingers gently caressed my buttocks, moving very lightly through my pajamas ... After "The Pianist" ended, C put on another film. At that moment, my husband's fingers probed inside me. He looked at me in surprise; I knew he was asking why I was so wet down there. I smiled shyly, and his fingers became restless, grinning mischievously … I involuntarily twisted my body, leaning my upper body towards C. C responded, and my husband began to move from behind … At that moment, I felt incredibly alluring, because I was simultaneously and confidently displaying myself in front of two men … Because he was on the sofa, perhaps C was still thinking about his wife, so the relationship eventually ended without a clear conclusion. When Q came out, we were already sitting there watching TV very properly. But after Q came over, he asked C in surprise : "

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