You Make Me Lose My Mind - (19)

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-16 08:16:04

During my hospital stay, which lasted about a month, my condition remained very unstable, and I gradually became numb. What moved me most was the concern from my online friends. They came from all over the world, and I received many calls every day to check on me and comfort me, which made me feel warm during my illness. Some of my online lovers even insisted on coming to Beijing to see me, which made me very nervous. Bian Jing and I had just reconciled, and I didn't want to cause any trouble.
However, a model from Mianyang, Sichuan, still came over. "Cai Cai" is the online name I gave this model.
We met by chance on QQ. I had just created a new private chat room on QQ and no one came for a long time. Just as I was about to close QQ, she came in, and that's how our story began.
She's a professional lingerie model, 1.75 meters tall, and her father's family has Russian ancestry, so she looks different from the average Chinese woman. We joked around enthusiastically; she was particularly witty, and I rarely meet women with such a good sense of humor, especially since most beautiful women are quite serious. She was an exception. As we chatted, I suddenly and rather presumptuously said to her: "Be my girlfriend."
She was stunned for a moment, not reacting for a while. Later, she sent me a long message, telling me how picky she was about men, how difficult she was to please, how obsessive-compulsive she was about cleanliness, how much she loved buying clothes and shoes, how much she spent money like water, and so on. In short, she told me to think carefully. I thought to myself: This is a rejection! I'm definitely not going to let this go!
So I sent her a long, incredibly cheesy string of sweet nothings.
At that time, Bian Jing was studying and didn't have much time to cling to me, so I had time to surf the internet.
Flirting with Cai Cai was purely a habitual act, but being rejected by a beautiful woman made me uncomfortable, and the more she rejected me, the more enthusiastic I became. Our entire relationship, from meeting to breaking up, was mostly conducted by phone. Like the ancient practice of sending letters by wild geese, we, this online couple, exchanged affections by phone every day. I had to call her at least once a day, otherwise Cai Cai would throw a tantrum. I remember, on Valentine's Day before I was hospitalized, I didn't call her, and she called me long-distance, crying and complaining that I was heartless.
Later, I suddenly fell ill, so I called Cai Cai to tell her I wanted to break up. Unexpectedly, Cai Cai burst into tears on the phone, saying she absolutely wouldn't break up. I told her I actually had a girlfriend, and that I only told her we were friends to spite her. Cai Cai said she was already prepared for this; it would be unreal for someone my age not to have a girlfriend. I asked her why she continued seeing me, and at first she wouldn't say, but when pressed, she burst into tears again, crying, "I was ruined by your sweet words!"
Oh, Guanyin, please forgive this sinner!
While I was hospitalized, Cai Cai called me every day, and she was incredibly kind, telling me she was looking for various herbal remedies to treat hepatitis B. Sure enough, after I was discharged, she came to Beijing with a huge pile of traditional Chinese medicine—she's so sincere! I arranged for her to stay at another place in my apartment without letting Bian Jingyou know. To avoid affecting me, she only stayed in Beijing for a week before returning to Mianyang, Sichuan. Later, she married a German man and is now living a very happy life. Guanyin (the Goddess of Mercy) has shown me her power; I'm at peace now. :)
I originally wanted to delete Cai Cai when I was revising this novel, but after hesitating for a long time, I called her to ask if it was okay. Cai Cai immediately became furious (I could hear her slamming her hand on the table on the other end of the phone, and I could feel the murderous intent in her wide-open eyes through the phone line), and said, "If you delete me, you'll be doing me a disservice!" We had agreed in a previous chat that I would definitely include Cai Cai in my future novels.
I understand what Cai Cai is thinking: I was so heartbroken by you, you heartless womanizer, and I even went through all that trouble to come see you from afar, only to give you up to that brat Bian Jing. I've never been so generous! I'm taller than Bian Jing, more attractive than Bian Jing, have longer legs than Bian Jing, and am a stunning mixed-race beauty with a unique charm. More importantly, I've even given myself to you. I don't easily give myself to men, so you should at least remember my wounded little heart.
Of course, in my heart, Bian Jing is prettier, has fairer skin, and a gentler personality. She's more suitable as a wife than Cai Cai. Men get married for peace of mind; marrying Cai Cai would mean constant bickering and chaos, and I don't want to age faster. Our Bian Jing is like a little lamb—soft, gentle, and tender. Unlike Cai Cai, who's arrogant like a saintly empress dowager. Marrying her would mean being a lifelong servant, much harder to please than Bian Jing.
Sigh, hearing her tone on the phone, I had no choice but to comply with Cai Cai's wishes. Cai Cai is 33 years old, and I am her second man.
Cai Cai wasn't the only lover who traveled a long way to see me; six of my other lovers also insisted on coming, crying and clamoring. But Bian Jing was by my side every day, and I simply couldn't entertain them all individually, so I asked Lao Fan to arrange things for me. Lao Fan was a very good friend; he handled everything flawlessly, arranging for them to stay in different hotels and restaurants—it was exhausting. I, on the other hand, sneaked out to check on things while Bian Jing was at work. Bian Jing had been assigned to the marketing department of a foreign company by Song Min.
Bian Jing originally didn't want to go to work, but insisted on staying with me. I said, "You staying here won't help. My illness won't get better anytime soon, and you should go back to work. The conditions in this hospital aren't good, the atmosphere is incredibly somber, and the cries of the deceased's families are constant. I don't want you to suffer with me. Aren't you going to support me? Why don't you hurry up and go to work and earn money!" The last sentence was just a joke. That's just how I am; when I have difficulties, I want to bear them alone. Having someone else with me makes me feel particularly uncomfortable. Besides, there are still a few suicide bombers outside, who knows when they might explode.
I secretly called Song Min to discuss it, and Song Min quickly arranged a job for Bian Jing. She passed the interview and written test smoothly and started working the same day (I particularly admire Bian Jing's intelligence). Under those circumstances, if I didn't decisively deal with those lovers, Bian Jing and I would never have peace again. Under my pressure, Bian Jing went to work, tears streaming down her face. She knew I was upset; we had argued several times in the hospital over the past month. Rather than this, it was better for us to separate for a while.
For the next month, I continued my treatment while also visiting various hotels to comfort the women who had helped me. Ah, this is when a woman's maternal instincts truly shine. Every time I met someone, I was in tears, as if I had terminal cancer and was about to die, not hepatitis B. Each woman showered me with tenderness and sympathy. For a while, I felt incredibly ashamed, wishing I could just die—I had truly let them down.
The one who made the biggest scene was Miss E from Shenyang. When we were together, she was always critical of me and constantly lecturing me. I've already mentioned it in the article I quoted, so I won't repeat it here. After we met again, she cried her eyes out, her eyes red like a rabbit's, which broke my heart. But her question put me in a very difficult position: "Why didn't you want me back then? Was I bad to you? I only said those things for your own good." I didn't know how to answer her; she wouldn't understand anyway. I could only tell her that I already had a girlfriend.
For the first time, Miss E displayed the endearing, fiery spirit inherent in Northeastern women and the legacy of the Manchu bannermen, gritting her teeth as she asked, "I want to see her!" She looked ready to fight Bian Jing to the death. I thought to myself: Why didn't you do this sooner? It would have been so much better if you were this adorable all along. Why did you have to put on this prim and proper lady act all the time? At that moment, I really wanted to sleep with her and make love to her, but unfortunately, my body wouldn't allow it.
It took me an entire afternoon of gentle, patient words to calm her down. Then I saw her off at the airport, and Miss E was still crying and indignant the whole way.
The others, including a female internet cafe manager from Beijing, Tangtang from Dalian, a female teacher named Li from Sichuan, Duan from Shandong, and finally Ayun from Jiangsu, were all sent away one by one. These lovers were very important in my life. They stayed by my side during my times of crisis and traveled long distances to visit me. I am grateful to them all, and I often think of them when the night is quiet.
There are many kinds of human emotions, whether it is love, gratitude, infatuation, longing, concern, or obsession. Whether it is love at first sight, a momentary impulse, a one-night stand, or multiple nights of love, they are all normal emotional and physiological needs of men and women.
Even now, I feel a sense of futility no matter what I do. Even if I want to simply maintain a stable relationship with a woman, I can't be sure if that sense of futility will leave me.
In truth, I long for a rebirth, but it's incredibly difficult. For a time, I was very well-behaved, but all sorts of temptations and women kept coming into my life, making me infatuated and unable to resist. Song Min was right: it's not just men who need women; women need men too.
Everyone has different psychological and physiological needs. It's impossible for one person to satisfy everyone in every way for a lifetime. Sometimes, you can find different feelings and qualities in other people. That subtle feeling, that momentary impulse, gives wings to passion, allowing it to soar freely in the sky, never stopping. Isn't that what makes life so colorful? There's essentially no difference between emotional infidelity and physical infidelity.
Going to bed and having sex are two different concepts. Going to bed is just a habitual action of people; it's human nature.
I slept with you because I liked you.
I only made love to you because I love you.
Just like Bian Jing loved me and wanted to make love to me every day, making love became a way for her to express her love. It was almost a devout ritual, an altar to her sacred soul and her boundless love for me. She used her body language to tell me that she loved me madly, and this madness gradually drove me mad as well as Bian Jing, making me willing to die for her—I had never felt this way with any other woman, not even to this day.
I don't know if I became better or worse after finishing this novel. I think I became better; at least I stopped pretending to be a hypocrite, criticizing others for being lustful when I secretly wanted to be lustful myself but lacked the opportunity and courage. As Lao Fan would say: I'm not a gentleman, but a gentleman. Song Min's version is even more endearing: I'm not a villain, just a scoundrel.
The truth can cut through the fog of lies and reveal the true nature of things. Most people have never liked life to be too interesting; they'd rather live morally, politically, or like animals, than live a life full of joy. It's quite amusing that someone who wants to live a more fulfilling life gets criticized. But I know most people have a dream, it's just that everyone's luck is different.

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You Make Me Lose My Mind - (19)

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