My boyfriend only asks me out when he's feeling sexually aroused.

page views:1 Publication date:2023-04-18 08:16:51

Reading Tip: He's willing to sleep with me. I have to say, I'm traumatized. I feel like a prostitute and have started to avoid sleeping with him. I feel like he only contacts me when he needs me physically, which makes me very uncomfortable.
A netizen's story:
My boyfriend and I have known each other for a year and a half. He was born in 1976, and I was born in 1979. We originally planned to get married last year, and both our parents had met, but a lot happened between us last year. Around May of last year, we haven't been getting along well, but we've still maintained a sexual relationship.
After this period, I feel very tired and have been trying to communicate with him to find out the problem and hope to change the situation. However, I've asked him out many times, and he seems unwilling to talk about it, annoyed by these things, but he's willing to sleep with me. I have to say, I'm traumatized. I feel like a prostitute and have started to avoid sleeping with him. I feel like he only contacts me when he needs me physically, which makes me very uncomfortable.
We rarely talk on the phone now, and we rarely see each other. Last night we met online, and I seriously asked him this question: "Is there no future for us?" He said, "It's difficult." I said, "It's okay, but it's not good to keep avoiding the issue." He said, "I still can't bear to lose you, but we can't be together." I felt terrible. In my opinion, this was no different from breaking up, because I had talked to him about it before, and he said that he felt like we were constantly breaking up, and that the arguments had weakened our relationship.
I was heartbroken and said things like breaking up to him. He said he wanted to talk to me, and then he asked me to go to a hotel. I said that without love, it would be hard for me to continue. He said, "There are feelings, but we have obstacles." So we discussed some issues related to sex.
I asked him, "Is there nothing else between us besides sex?" He replied that he probably valued sex more, while I wasn't very interested. He felt that I had never had an orgasm with him, that I had never initiated it, and that I had never shown satisfaction. When he asked how I felt, I always answered "yes." So I asked him, "Do you think these things are affecting your feelings for me?" He said he couldn't feel my pleasure.
I told him I'm not good at expressing myself and find communicating about these things awkward and embarrassing, even though I've experienced pleasure. He said he didn't feel that way and felt like a failure every time they had sex. I asked him, "Do you think our problem lies in this?" He replied, "It reflects our communication style. We don't communicate even when we're most intimate, so when do we communicate?" I said, "Perhaps you're right, have you thought about improving this?" Then he said, "It feels like we always have to talk about these things when I'm most tired, which is strange." I said, "Yes, it seems like I always choose the wrong time." The conversation ended there.
I'm confused and don't know what to do. Emotionally, I'm conflicted. I don't know whether I should make changes in bed to save my relationship or rationally break up. Can sex solve everything?
Reply:
Yixin believes that sex is part of emotional life and a glue that holds intimate relationships together. Sexual harmony inevitably makes a couple's relationship closer and more harmonious, but you are not yet a couple. For both of you not to be a couple and to be entangled in sexual issues is no different from prostitution.
Based on your description, you currently have two problems: one is the problem with sex itself, and the other is the problem with your communication style. The main issue with sex is that your boyfriend is very concerned about your feelings during sex. He needs validation, but you're not good at expressing yourself, which suggests you're a conservative woman at heart. This also reflects how much your boyfriend cares about your feelings, but your lack of expression repeatedly undermines his confidence. However, he still needs sex, and even if things don't work out, he won't take any responsibility.
Yi Xin suggests you talk about your feelings during each sexual encounter. If it feels good, great; if it doesn't, bad. Be objective and truthful, because sex is a natural thing, and it's normal for lovers or spouses to talk about it. The second issue is that your communication and interaction patterns need improvement. Perhaps the timing of your communication is wrong, or perhaps your expression is problematic. You need to be aware of this and make changes.
Yi Xin advises female friends that a woman who understands self-respect and self-love won't be so eager to give herself to her partner; giving herself to someone is degrading yourself. If it's only for sex, then you're no different from an animal. If it were me, and a man only wanted me when he needed me, I would have kicked him out long ago to avoid the hassle.

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My boyfriend only asks me out when he's feeling sexually aroused.

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