A married woman's inner monologue

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-24

Chapter 1: A Naked Heart

You could say I'm as curious as a cat; my mother often says I'll die from curiosity. I love adventure, I love seeing different worlds, different people and things. But cats are usually quite timid, so I'm used to observing everything from afar, a trait my husband always teases me about. My

husband and I work in opposite directions, sometimes only seeing each other once a week. Plus, neither of our jobs involve business trips, so we only get to spend time together during holidays.

When we first got married, I was so scared, living alone in an empty house, often crying into my pillow at night.

Thinking about it, three years have passed since we got married—it's gone by so fast.

Maintaining a marriage isn't easy; we were both worried about this lifestyle at the beginning.

Thankfully, we trust each other a lot, and it doesn't feel like time and space have created a distance between us. Every time we meet is a passionate affair, countless moments of intimacy, and just thinking about it makes me feel restless. Building

that mutual trust is difficult. I remember in the beginning, we both found it hard to trust each other, endlessly checking up on each other, leaving us both exhausted. This path was incredibly difficult to navigate, even threatening to break our marriage—perhaps because we loved each other too deeply!

Finally, we reached a mutual understanding: honesty…yes! Honesty. The scope of honesty between us was quite broad, encompassing our innermost thoughts and our daily lives. In other words, we were willing to lay bare our deepest secrets, almost like handing over weapons to each other, letting the other do as they pleased.

I still remember our first heart-to-heart talk. He started by telling me about his past, and I discovered there were so many things I didn't know. My reaction was quite intense; I refused to let him recount the details, feeling anger and jealousy.

But when it was my turn to speak, I found many things I couldn't say. He would press me about my first man—things he already knew, but what he wanted to know was how I felt about him. There were also things he didn't know before marriage; because our feelings for each other weren't entirely certain, I had been with other people simultaneously. These things had been hidden in my heart for a long time; I was afraid that if he knew, it would jeopardize our love.

Honesty is truly difficult; it took us countless long-distance phone calls to adjust.

Slowly, I sensed his sincerity. I knew he would still get excited when he talked about his past, but I knew it was all history. Then, sometimes I would enter his thoughts, and I even found myself sharing those memories with him. Jealousy still lingered occasionally, but love hadn't faded, and I cherished having this wonderful man even more.

I slowly tried to reveal my past, bit by bit, very carefully, including my physical feelings.

At first, I sensed his reaction was the same as mine, a hurt in his words. Although he said it didn't matter, I noticed he held me tighter during sex.

When I finally told him everything, I found I could face myself more honestly, and he completely accepted my imperfections.

Oh! No, in his heart, this was how I was complete. He hated masks; we were naked before each other.

This is a woman's secret. How do you know your love is still there? You can feel it during sex. Women are born with a spiritual eye; during sex, they can sense their partner's love, and their own.

Of course, orgasm and pleasure are not the same as love; I'm talking about love, not just physical reactions.

The final step is freedom—giving your partner complete freedom. This freedom is something you must weigh and measure yourself; you must be responsible for yourself.

If your husband leaves you because another woman is smarter, prettier, has a better figure, or even has better skills in bed, I think you would find it unbearable. You would have to tie him up tightly and watch him 24/7, but you would never know where his heart has wandered off to.

Chapter Two: The

flight made me uncomfortable. Although I need to have sex once or twice a month, I prefer to drive. My excuse is always that Lily's car is too small and I'm not used to driving it, but Lily knows that's just an excuse. Right now, I'm millions of meters in the air. It's not airsickness, just nervousness.

My seatmate is a woman, but I don't have the energy to care what she looks like. All I can think about is that if the plane crashes, Lily will cry her eyes out, and I'm sure the plane will crash, even though this premonition has never been right.

Taichung, I think it's over Taichung! The flight attendants quickly returned to their seats and fastened their seatbelts. The captain announced that there was turbulence ahead. Every time I fly, I pay close attention to the flight attendants, not because I'm interested in their looks, but because I think if they panic, I'm doomed. Thankfully, they were still chatting and laughing freely, but the sudden, violent shaking shattered my confidence. My hands, which were on my knees, jolted as I grabbed the seat in front of me, leaning forward.

A silvery voice rang out beside me, "Sir, are you airsick? Would you like me to get you a paper bag?" I wasn't nauseous; I just couldn't speak. I think I rudely shook my head to say no; I looked completely disheveled and pathetic.

After what felt like an eternity, the plane settled down, and I could see the flight attendants bustling about again. My anxiety lessened somewhat.

"Sir, do you rarely fly?"

This was a huge blow to my pride, and I had to take a good look at this woman. Hey! A modern woman, sunglasses, a suit, a laptop on her lap—she looked like a powerful businesswoman.

"Oh! I fly often, but I'm not feeling well today."

"My surname is Liu," she said, her face clearly showing sympathy.

"My surname is Wang. I really do fly every month, but I just can't get used to it." I thought I'd better confess.

The plane began its descent. I hate Kaohsiung Airport, so I leaned back in my seat.

The plane didn't land as I expected. When I stood up after disembarking, my legs suddenly went weak, and the woman quickly helped me.

Those hands were long and slender, white and delicate. Ah! And my legs too. As soon as the plane landed, all my courage returned.

I chatted with the woman for a bit. She was a business manager at a listed company, I think. She didn't give me much detail, and I was too lazy to ask for more.

Entering the airport terminal, I found a voicemail on my phone. Li apologized, saying she had to attend a business dinner with her boss, it was last minute, and she'd be home before midnight.

I checked my watch; it was only seven. Oh no! I think I left my house keys at the office.

I started reaching into my pocket. A person's intuition doesn't always fail. I quickly dialed Li's number for help... but... I couldn't get a signal... The woman continued walking beside me: "What's wrong? Lost by your lover?" I shrugged helplessly: "It's my wife, I'm homeless before midnight." "Hehe!" The woman smiled mischievously: "Want to have dinner together? You can treat." Chapter 3: Passion of 12 This week I was busy, so my husband went south. Actually, I preferred him to come down, because the living conditions here are so much better. Many times when I go north, I end up helping him clean the house.

Perhaps some people think that the freedom I have will lead to many romantic affairs, but it's hard to believe, it really hasn't happened. Oh! Or perhaps I should say it hasn't really happened.

I've had a few unforgettable dates! Actually, there was only one time when I almost ended up with the other person, or perhaps I should say it was over. It's really vague to say this, but it was something like this... I had a little wine at dinner that day, and the other person was an old friend of mine. Hmm! We had a relationship back then, but it happened when I was very young, and I hardly remember the details. He came back to China for a meeting.

Perhaps it was because of this history that there wasn't so much distance between us, plus a touch of alcohol and the gentle breeze of Xizi Bay. When I drove him back to his hotel, he kissed me. The kiss was very natural, evoking a memory; those lips and tongue felt somewhat familiar. I had planned to go straight home, but suddenly felt the emptiness of my house. I handed the car keys to the valet and took his arm as we went upstairs.

The summer in Kaohsiung was incredibly humid and hot. I asked if I could borrow a bathroom to shower. I took off my clothes in front of the mirror, looking at my nearly 30-year-old figure, which I thought was in pretty good shape, and felt a slight sense of pride. Suddenly, he knocked on the door and asked if I could come in. I hesitated for a moment… wasn't tonight all about indulging myself?

"Hmm!" I said, "Wait a minute."

I wrapped myself in a large bath towel, opened the bathroom door, and slipped under his armpit. He was startled, wondering what I was up to. I opened my purse, took out my phone, sat on the edge of the bed, put my middle finger to my lips to signal him to be quiet, and started dialing my husband's number.

"Qiang, I just got back from dinner with Li Zhicheng."

"Oh! You're home? Get some rest! Don't stay up late watching TV." My husband said affectionately.

"No, I might not be home tonight, um... I'll contact you if I get home early. Are you busy tonight? What time will you go to sleep?" "I won't be able to sleep tonight, sigh! This project is killing me." My husband continued, "I'm so glad to receive your call. At least I know you love me the most. I know it's inconvenient for you to talk much, but you have to be careful, okay?" "Hehe! I'm not a child anymore, I know." Seeing him standing at the bathroom door with a suspicious look on his face, I smiled and slipped into the bathroom from beside him. In front of him, I untied the bath towel, tested the water temperature, hmm! Very comfortable. I love this big bathtub. I haven't stayed in a hotel since our honeymoon. I love being completely submerged in the water.

He took off his clothes too, a bit hastily, just like he always has. He's gotten a bit chubby, but I honestly can't quite remember what he used to look like. Wow! It's been almost ten years! Back then, we were still students!

He seemed a little embarrassed about his erection; it was quite thick, longer than my husband's.

Suddenly, I felt like a million ants were crawling all over my heart.

He sat opposite me, and I suddenly didn't know what to say. The earlier moments had been playful and teasing, making me feel like I was back in my teenage years. But now I was bathing with this man, and I started to feel shy, lowering my head.

He gently rubbed my thighs with his toes; the roughness of his skin made me feel dizzy. He got up and leaned in, kissing me, from my forehead to my chest. My body began to tremble, and I gripped the sides of the bathtub tightly with both hands.

His hands caressed my breasts, gently touching and moving, until they reached my genitals. His fingers caressed my labia, avoiding my most sensitive spot, stirring my emotions, and I was aroused.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, rubbing my breasts against his chest; I could feel his rapid breathing.

He helped me up from the bathtub, and before I knew it, he was embracing me from behind. I braced my hands on the vanity, and his hands began to invade my secret garden.

My vagina was already wet, and he whispered in my ear, "So wet, so beautiful!"

My heart soared, and my buttocks began to thrust back involuntarily, anticipating something entering.

His penis rubbed against my back; I could feel how hard and strong it was.

He turned me around, took my hand, and led me to the bed, lying back in a spread-eagle position.

What a lovely penis, the glans with an ochre-red sheen. I couldn't resist taking his penis into my mouth, gently stroking his testicles with my fingertips; I loved hearing his moans. Feeling the twitching of his penis, he didn't move, but I caressed him with my tongue.

He rolled over and stimulated my clitoris with his glans. I felt my vaginal fluids flowing out incessantly. I gripped the sheets tightly, trying to control myself, but I still cried out. I begged him to stop torturing me like this. I arched my lower body as high as I could, wanting him to penetrate me and comfort my empty hole. I wanted his hot, hard penis.

I almost fainted when he entered me. As he thrust in, I felt my uterus begin to contract… Phone… “The goods didn’t pass?” “Can we handle it tomorrow?” He gestured with his eyes for me to stay still.

“Okay! Fax the documents now.”

“Number?” He covered the receiver with his hand and cursed under his breath

, “Damn it, what’s the fax number? Who’s going to remember it?” He tried not to leave me as he went to look at the restaurant menu on the light cabinet.

I gently slid my body out, feeling the penis leave, a wave of emptiness washing over me. But I knew the romance of the night was over, it was over. Good luck!

I got home a little before 1 p.m. and called my husband. A surprised voice came through the receiver: "Li? Where are you? I thought you'd call this morning!" I told him the whole story, and his laughter on the other end annoyed me.

"I don't care, you have to pay me back," I said stubbornly.

My husband comforted me on the phone and kissed me.

I took off all my clothes and placed my hands between my legs. I didn't wash away the marks he left on me; with the feeling from before, I continued my penetration until I reached climax.

Chapter Four: Jealousy

It wasn't really a social event, just a small favor. The boss liked to bring his secretary along as a decorative figure to enhance his status. This social event surprisingly ended before 10 p.m.

I wondered if my husband was home yet? Probably not! That guy is so absent-minded, men!

I started imagining my husband living alone. Ah! I felt both heartache and affection; he's a child who never grew up. Always dirty and messy, nothing had any sense of place, even a small six-ping apartment was turned into a cesspool. But every time I enter his room, it excites me, makes me want him to hug me.

I kick off my high heels, stretch my toes, let them be free!

I turn on the stereo, pour myself a glass of ice water, and collapse onto the sofa.

What is he doing right now? Anxiety begins to creep into my heart. I try to push the thought away, but it lingers. Could he be in some woman's arms? My husband isn't the kind to be completely honest; too many things can happen in a few hours.

This isn't a matter of trust; I believe he loves me, absolutely. I know it's just a woman's instinctive jealousy.

My mind is a mess, but my lower body is heating up uncontrollably. I miss him so much.

Dinner is churning in my stomach; I feel nauseous. I feel so awful. Darling, where are you? I'm going to die.

Can you hear me calling from another woman's arms? Sigh!

I shouldn't think like this, I warn myself, but I've never experienced anything like this before. My husband always informs me beforehand if he's having any romantic escapades in Taipei, but this time I've never had to wait for him at home, waiting for his return. Knowing it's impossible, I still feel inexplicably abandoned; he doesn't want me anymore. I start to sob.

Soaking in the bathtub, I try to distract myself. In the past, my husband's stories of his affairs always excited me; I'd fantasize about him having sex with other women. But this time, I feel afraid. The stories from before sounded like those of a third party, because they were so far removed in time and space! Now, it feels so close, so within reach.

My cell phone rings. I jump out of the bathtub, and my husband's tired voice comes through: "What time will you be home?

I'm exhausted, just sitting here in McDonald's, spacing out!"

I want to cry, but I calmly say, "You idiot, when will you ever stop making me worry?

I've been home for a while already."

"You didn't even call to let me know you were home?"

"How would I know if there's a good show going on? Please, get back here already!" Chapter 5: Confusion When I heard her suggest dinner, I think I was instantly energized. I considerately took her laptop.

"Of course! Of course, it's on me. But I'm not familiar with Kaohsiung! What do you want to eat?" I was a little worried about my wallet; this woman didn't seem easy to please.

"McDonald's, hehe! McDonald's is fine, I'm so hungry I could eat a whole chicken. But... don't get too excited!" Her smile was a little eerie.

I wasn't quite sure what she meant, but I figured I wouldn't be completely idle until at least midnight tonight. As for the rest? Who cares!

As we were leaving the country, she walked beside me. At that moment... a man who looked to be about forty years old quickly approached us. She cheered and pounced on him, and the two of them kissed passionately, oblivious to everyone else. Suddenly, I felt a little lost. I felt like I was standing on a red-hot iron plate, and my laptop suddenly felt as heavy as a stone.

I remembered her saying not to get too excited, and now I completely understood.

"This is my husband, his surname is Chen, you can just call him Xiao Chen," she introduced. "Honey, this is Mr. Wang." Her husband warmly shook my hand, as if we had known each other for centuries. I thought to myself, this guy is at least four or five years older than me, why call him Xiao Chen?

"Come on, Mr. Wang, I'll treat you to Japanese food." He seemed quite sincere, taking the laptop from my hand.

"Honey, Mr. Wang said he'd treat me to McDonald's! Can you please not cause trouble?" I felt like a criminal stripped naked and standing in an arena for public scrutiny. At that moment, only one thought remained: how could I escape this awkward situation?

"Haha! Okay! I love being a third wheel! Let's go! My car is illegally parked outside, it's hard to park here, hurry up, or we'll get a ticket." "Honey, be careful, Mr. Wang gets airsick, he might throw up on you, haha!

That's how I found him."

"No way, I don't get airsick, I'm just not used to high altitudes." I protested weakly, which earned me a burst of laughter.

Dinner really was McDonald's, and she really did order a whole chicken, but she ate it with her husband.

The two of them seemed to have a great relationship, so great that they almost forgot I existed. I roughly knew that this Mr. Chen was an architect or something, the kind of person who was rich and powerful!

But he was quite easygoing and approachable.

"How long will Mr. Wang be down here this time?" her husband asked.

"Only two days, he has to catch the first flight back to work early Monday morning." "Tomorrow, how about we invite Mr. Wang over to our house tomorrow?" she said excitedly.

"Of course! Ha! Mr. Wang's home phone number?"

After I finished telling her about my romantic encounter, Xiao Li lay on the sofa and laughed for at least ten minutes! Then she said she wanted to check if I had secretly shared any fried chicken with others. We were too busy to go to bed, so I took her right there on the sofa.

Chapter Six: The Myth of Mastery

It was a farmhouse villa in the suburbs, not far from the city, with a small swimming pool. This is quite common abroad, right? At least in movies. This was the first time I had seen a private swimming pool like this in Taiwan. This guy has some money.

Mr. Chen was dressed very simply when he answered the door, wearing shorts, sunglasses, and an open shirt, revealing a slightly protruding middle-aged belly. But it's okay! My belly has also grown quite a bit since I retired from the military, ha!

Li's little Ximei was placed next to the Mercedes, which looked a bit out of place and made me a little uncomfortable. But Li was very curious and secretly pulled me aside, saying, "Wow! So rich!" I thought to myself, it's all the people's hard-earned money.

"This is my wife, just call her Xiao Li," I introduced Li to Chen.

At that moment, Chen's wife came out of the house, and my eyes lit up. She was dressed very casually today—a swimsuit, I suppose! At least it wasn't underwear, because the fabric was barely visible. She wore a loose shirt over it, probably her husband's. Those legs—long, slender, and fair—and her breasts… Chen's voice jolted me back to reality… "Don't call me Mr. Chen, just call me Wei Cheng. Everyone, don't be so formal. Oh! My wife's name is Xiao Min." Honestly, I wasn't used to becoming so familiar so quickly, but since everyone was there, I had to bite the bullet. Xiao Min pulled Li inside, and within two minutes, the two seemed to be good friends. Women are truly strange creatures.

Wei Cheng and I sat under the eaves drinking beer, while the two women inside did who-knows-what.

"We've been married for seven years, how about you?" Weicheng continued, "There was a period when our relationship was really bad. We were both very busy then, especially me. Then she wanted to go back to work, and I was very frustrated during that time. Financially, she really didn't need to work so hard." "Women sometimes want to affirm their own abilities, right?" "I know, I'm not a selfish person. But I've always wanted children, the problem is she doesn't want to have them. She wants a career, and she started as a salesperson. Actually, I feel a little ashamed; any job I could get from a friend would be better than this." "Hmm!" I thought to myself, what does this have to do with me?

"You know, female salespeople often have an advantage when it comes to boosting sales. For a while, Xiaomin would come home late at night, reeking of alcohol, and she climbed to a supervisor position in just over two years. I'm not saying she only relied on that; she just wanted to prove she could succeed without me. She spent an almost obsessive amount of time on market research, working non-stop." Weicheng chuckled, not showing the pain I expected. He continued, "During that time, we barely had any intimacy for almost two years. I knew she had a boyfriend, but I loved her so much." "I understand." I thought to myself, why is this man telling me all this? This seems a bit beyond the bounds of our friendship. "Xiaoli and you seem to have a good relationship. You shouldn't have these kinds of problems. Do you have these kinds of difficulties?" Weicheng suddenly shifted the topic to me.

"Everyone has their own problems?" I was a little flustered and casually replied.

"Oh! You have similar problems?"

Damn it, what I meant was that we should mind our own business, but I suddenly couldn't say anything, and the atmosphere became a little awkward.

"Actually, some things are easier to understand once you get over them," Wei Cheng said with sympathy. "I couldn't understand it back then either, and I suffered for a long time." "Get over them?" I wanted to explain to Wei Cheng that Xiao Li and I didn't have the problems he mentioned; I didn't want him to misunderstand us.

But I hesitated for a moment because of my guilty conscience. Wei Cheng continued,

"What are people most afraid of? Ha! I know you're afraid of flying. Why are you afraid? The plane crash rate is much lower than the car crash rate! Do you like riding in other people's cars?" "Ha! You could say I hate it." "Yes, all fear and jealousy stem from things you can't control. We're all used to being able to control everything around us. After a while, you even hope to control the universe. You're going to play ball, and suddenly it rains, and you feel frustrated. When you're on a plane, you have no control over your life or death, and you feel frustrated.

Your wife goes out, and you're unsure if she's sleeping with someone else, and you feel frustrated." At that moment, I suddenly thought of the night Li went on a date with her classmate. After receiving her call, I couldn't concentrate on my work at all; my mind was filled with anxiety and inexplicable turmoil. But I didn't tell Lily, because it was our agreement—honesty was the best policy. But the truth is, honesty alone didn't put my mind at ease; I was still afraid, still jealous.

"You're facing a choice: either you can control how things unfold, or you can accept what you fear. Some things you can control, like deciding who drives. But some things you can't control, like not knowing how to fly. In that case, you can only trust the captain, but that's difficult unless you check the captain's flight safety records every time you fly. So, you have to accept death, then you won't be afraid of flying anymore." "Airplane? Heh!" Xiaomin pulled Lily, appearing behind us without us noticing.

Lily whispered something in Xiaomin's ear, but I only heard intermittently… he kept pulling me… The two of them burst into laughter.

Li was wearing a backless swimsuit, probably Xiaomin's! She looked so beautiful. Xiaomin, on the other hand, was wearing a two-piece bikini. Although it wasn't as exaggerated as in the movies, that cleavage... hey! I started to worry about my body's reaction, thankfully I was fully clothed.

I knew my conversation with Weicheng was over. When a woman, especially a wife, appears, a man's right to speak is immediately taken away. The air of conversation belongs to the woman, especially when there are two women, and even more so when they are both beautiful.

But I couldn't forget what Weicheng had just said. I vaguely felt that something had touched a certain spot in my heart, but I couldn't be sure.

Chapter Seven: A Man's Confession

Weicheng 's eyes were fixed on me, making me a little uneasy. But I liked it here. Xiaomin seemed very nice, without any airs. Weicheng was the same, but it was his unabashed gaze that made me a little sad.

"I used to drink when I was younger because I was competitive, and I actually have a high tolerance for alcohol," Weicheng explained. "But I don't like the feeling after drinking; it's unreal, everything becomes illusory. I like to be in control of my life, but drinking makes me feel like I can't control anything." "Here comes another story, hee!" Xiaomin chuckled.

"It's true, who among you would be willing to give up living soberly? Perhaps escaping might provide temporary numbness, but I'd rather face my problems. I bet everyone here has some inner turmoil that they're deliberately avoiding." "You don't?" I said somewhat provocatively.

"Yeah! I admit I do, can you say you don't?" Weicheng continued, "Okay, let's play a game. Everyone should frankly reveal their deepest inner turmoil. Hmm... no, we all know Zhiguo is afraid of flying, that's not fun. We need a rule, let me think... how about something related to sex?" "Huh?" My husband exclaimed in surprise.

"Okay! Actually, Weicheng and I often play this game! I feel great, at least I know what Weicheng is thinking all day," Xiaomin said with a smile.

Weicheng rolled over and tickled Xiaomin, and the two rolled around on the floor.

I looked at my husband, wondering what secrets he had in his heart. Honesty is sometimes just lip service; how many people can truly be honest? Especially honest with themselves?

I said to Weicheng, "Let's play! You suggested it, so you go first." "Okay, I need to think about it first, because I don't have many secrets left, and I have to say something that Xiaomin doesn't know yet." "Let me clarify, what I'm talking about is just a thought that's been bothering me lately." "I want to see Xiaomin having sex with someone else." Weicheng's voice was a little weak.

The air seemed to freeze suddenly, and no one spoke. Then I saw Xiaomin lower her head and sob.

The scene was quite awkward. For a moment, I didn't know whether to leave or comfort Xiaomin. I looked up at my husband, trying to get some information. At this moment, Xiaomin suddenly looked up and calmly said, "Does watching your wife have sex with someone else make you happy?" Xiaomin then said to us, "I'm sorry, I lost my temper. This game can sometimes hurt people's feelings, but it's always better to lay things out in the open than to keep them bottled up, isn't it?

Oh! Also, this game allows everyone to ask one question, and the other person must answer and cannot evade it." I felt like we should stop; this game wasn't very fun. But then my husband said, "In front of her? Can you bear the jealousy of your wife being hugged by someone else?" "I'm sorry, I'll answer Xiaomin first," Weicheng said softly. "It was just a thought, I just explained it. I don't know why..." I've thought about this myself over and over. I think it's probably because I want to see if Xiaomin reacts the same way in someone else's arms as she does in mine! Would that make me happy? I don't know, but I think I'd be very excited. If looking forward to being with Xiaomin is a kind of happiness, then yes! So this should be considered happiness! "Besides, regarding jealousy, I think it shouldn't be too strong, but I can't guarantee it's completely nonexistent. But I think since everything is within my control, it shouldn't be too serious! Or perhaps all the excitement comes from jealousy; without jealousy, there would be no pleasure." Weicheng finished his answer, and I felt everyone was watching me, waiting for me to ask a question. My mind went blank; I didn't know what to ask.

I understood what Weicheng was saying, but it was just too strange. I always thought that Zhiguo and I were open enough, but I'd never thought about such a deep topic before; it was too private.

"You're so open about this?" I asked randomly.

"Haha!" Weicheng laughed and said, "This isn't my problem, it's Xiaomin's problem. I believe everyone has the right to manage their own body. The essence of love isn't about restraining the body, but about restraining each other's hearts.

Xiaomin can be with others as she pleases, and I have that right too. It would be wonderful if I gave up that right for love, like Romeo and Juliet sacrificing their lives for love. And life is a big deal, sex is just a small part of love. If sex is just a game, would you not allow your husband to watch a movie?" "About being generous? That depends on whether Xiaomin wants me to participate in her game." I tried to salvage the situation: "Governing a country doesn't involve watching movies." Everyone burst into laughter, and the atmosphere wasn't as tense as before. Weicheng's eloquence is good enough to run for legislator, I thought to myself.

"Men first, hee! Men should be courteous," Xiaomin said coquettishly.

I also wanted to know what my husband was thinking that I didn't know about, so I turned to look at him. My husband's face was a little pale, perhaps because of the lighting! But I could sense his tension.

"I... um..." My husband always says this when he's nervous.

"I like masturbating."

There was a moment of silence; I could tell everyone was holding back laughter.

"I like masturbating," my husband emphasized again.

"That counts? I like masturbating too!" Xiaomin stuck out her tongue.

"I mean, I like masturbating more than having sex with women." "Including Xiaoli?" Weicheng asked.

"Is that even a question?" My husband was eager to get away. Actually, I wanted to know the answer more than anyone else; my stomach started to tighten.

"Haha! Forget I asked." Weicheng continued, "Is masturbating more comfortable than having sex with women?" "No! It's not like that, um! I should say I feel that masturbating makes me relax." My husband slowly shook off his restraint and said, "It's not that I don't like having sex with women; having sex with women is the most beautiful thing in the world. Especially, being with Li makes me completely satisfied, including body, mind, and soul." "Thanks! Hehe!" I felt a little smug.

"Masturbation is a different feeling; in masturbation, the world is limitless. You can enjoy any absurd fantasy without actually realizing it. You can have any woman you could never have in real life, you can do anything others deem wrong, and you don't have to pay the price." "What do you fantasize about?" Xiaomin asked rather cunningly; the question was too broad.

"Well... for example, nude photos of some celebrities, um! porn, and some acquaintances, meaning women you really want to touch, but absolutely cannot touch." My husband lowered his head and continued, "The one I fantasize about most is that time Li was with someone else." "You keep thinking about that?" I asked in surprise, "You said you didn't mind, as long as I was honest.

And I was honest about the whole thing! Besides, that day wasn't really what happened, in a certain sense." "I only know some of the details of that day, so there's no room for fantasy about the specifics." It became infinitely large. I imagined every action you took between you, perhaps you once told him you loved him, which pierced my heart. Then I'll explain to you that this is normal talk during sex. Actually, it's not just that, I often simulate the men before we met, did they bring you to orgasm like I did?

Are your moans during sex different from when you're with me?" The husband sighed and said, "This kind of masturbation carries a certain sadness, a certain stimulation, and a certain pleasure." Chapter Eight: A Woman's Confession "Xiaomin..." Li looked at Xiaomin with pleading eyes.

"Okay, I'll go first." Xiaomin lay flat on her back, limbs spread out as much as possible. "The book says this position can completely relax you." "I want to be with women, to be honest, I'm attracted to women's bodies." "Wow!" Li's reaction seemed to come from a... feeling I can't describe, admiration? Envy?

Is homosexuality fashionable these days?

"You're so progressive! You only like being with women?" Li probably realized her slip of the tongue and looked at Weicheng with a pleading look.

"Oh! It's okay." There was a hint of hurt in Weicheng's voice. "No

, it's not like that, I like men! Especially Weicheng, hee!" Xiaomin rolled over and pressed herself against Weicheng's back, laughing as she said, "I don't know, but I get very excited when I see a beautiful woman." "Heh! It's rare that we agree so much." Weicheng laughed.

"Whenever I walk down the street, or when I see a beautiful woman, I take a few more glances. It's not that feeling of envy or jealousy, but rather I really want to take off her clothes, and then..." "And then what?" I asked jokingly.

"This... I don't know, um! I haven't thought about it either!" Xiaomin started to think: "That's an interesting question, I really haven't thought about it." "I've seen those kinds of videos, women with women. As for the source of the videos, hee! You can ask Weicheng. But I don't think that's what I'm thinking, and I can't clearly describe my thoughts. You know, they usually use those... props... to please each other.

I don't want that, wouldn't it be more realistic to find a man? Maybe what I want is just kissing, touching, caressing, and so on!" "Can I ask one more question? What is your gender role in your mind?" I became curious about this topic.

"Hmph! You've already asked, why pretend to be polite?" Xiaomin pretended to throw a pillow at me.

"No, I haven't thought about gender. I think I'm a very standard woman! Physically and mentally, I identify as a woman. And the kind of woman I like is also a standard woman, not some masculine, overly feminine woman." "This kind of love seems to have nothing to do with gender! I should say I just like women's bodies. Hmm! For example, I really like my own body! Sometimes when I'm showering, I admire it greedily! Hehe!" "So, do you feel desire for Xiaoli?" Weicheng asked, looking at Li.

Li suddenly turned her gaze to a small statue in the entryway, clearly trying to avoid everyone's gaze. I wondered, if the answer was yes, would she feel humiliated? If the answer was no, would she be disappointed?

From a man's perspective, this was undoubtedly bizarre. My views have always been very open; I accept homosexuals, but on the other hand, I'm also very afraid of them. For example, I have a client, and we all know about his sexual orientation. I don't think he's abnormal, but in reality, I find I can never look him in the eye.

Lesbians? That seems more acceptable! At least the scenes in adult films are all very aesthetically pleasing.

"Yes, don't you guys think she's pretty?"

"It's my turn to speak." Lily suddenly interrupted the conversation. I knew she didn't want Xiaomin's topic to continue; it was very awkward.

"I need some time to think about it."

"Thinking too much makes it unrealistic," Weicheng protested.

"I wonder what it would be like to be with two people at the same time?" Lily muttered to herself.

"What would three people do? Would I get distracted?"

I think my shock was no different from a stock market crash; what kind of strange thoughts were these?

"I'm just thinking randomly, don't take it seriously," Lily continued.

"It's okay, people sometimes have strange thoughts, it's not illegal! And it doesn't mean you'll actually do it, or that it's your goal," Weicheng continued. "Have you ever had specific fantasies? I mean, have you ever fantasized about the whole process?" "Yes," Li answered simply, then said, "You know, Zhiguo and I are often apart, and when I'm alone at night, I inevitably have some fantasies, especially after talking to Zhiguo on the phone. These fantasies aren't very specific, generally it's about two people! There aren't clear details, just a feeling that makes me... easily reach orgasm." I was surprised that Li could speak so calmly about her private physical matters.

"Are you scared by your own feelings? To be honest, I often feel ashamed of some of my thoughts!" Xiaomin asked.

"Whenever that pleasure fades, I fall into a deep depression, mostly because I feel sorry for Zhiguo!" Li paused and continued, "I had one after we got married... Zhiguo knows the details. Actually, this doesn't bother me too much, probably mainly because Zhiguo knows what I was doing then. But this fantasy is really outrageous, even Zhiguo doesn't know, I feel it's wrong. The problem is I often unconsciously add characters in my fantasies, I don't want to, I think I'm a woman with weak willpower!" Tears welled up in Li's eyes.

"It's okay, I don't think it's wrong." Although I felt a pang of sadness, I still pretended to be relaxed and said, "Unlike Weicheng and the others, we have quite different opinions. I prefer to be with two beautiful women!" Li punched me and said, "You dare to try it." "Haha! You have double standards!" The atmosphere relaxed completely.

"Heh! The story is funny."

"Hey! You haven't asked any questions yet!" Xiaomin pouted.

"I relinquish my rights, hee!"

"Rules, rules, I sentence you to ask a question immediately!" Weicheng shouted.

"Do you love me?" I asked, looking into Li's eyes.

"Darling, you know. You know I love you, I'm crazy for you." Chapter Nine: A Perfectly Empty Weekend. My husband couldn't leave and didn't have time to spend with me. In the afternoon, I was alone in the house watching boring TV.

After leaving Weicheng's house last week, I felt that my husband had become somewhat unfamiliar when I came back. It turns out that two people who are so close still have so many secrets in their hearts.

I didn't know that I also have many secrets myself. Everyone is afraid of being hurt! Unless under certain circumstances or pressure, no one is willing to lay their heart bare for others to see, even husband and wife are the same. This makes me start to sigh. Who is willing to lay themselves bare first? Perhaps my husband and I are both waiting for the other to make a move!

I miss that conversation that night, completely relaxing from a tense situation.

Thinking about it, the phone rang, and Xiaomin's voice came through.

"Xiao Li, I tried calling you, worried you might be heading north this week! Is Zhi Guo there too?" "Oh! He's busy this week, so I'm stuck at home being a good boy." Hearing Xiao Min call Zhi Guo so casually made me feel a little down.

"Well... how about we have dinner together? Wei Cheng and I are both free!" "Hmm! Okay! Where should we meet? I need to get ready first." I was incredibly bored, a walk would be nice.

"We'll pick you up! Let's go eat Vietnamese food, we'll be passing by Jiuru Road on the way. Okay?" I didn't really have an appetite for Vietnamese food, but having someone to chat with would be nice. The whole dinner consisted of Wei Cheng clowning around and telling jokes, making Xiao Min and me laugh so hard we almost fell over.

"Aren't you scared being home alone? Do you want to stay at my place?" Xiao Min asked worriedly.

"Heh! Isn't that how it's been these past few years? Hmm..." I was somewhat tempted. After leaving the restaurant, another quiet and boring night ensued.

"Ugh! Stop nagging, what's Zhiguo's phone number?" Xiaomin dialed Zhiguo's company number directly... "It's me, Xiaomin, hehe! Can we seduce your wife tonight?" After a few laughs, I took the phone.

"Is it convenient? Always letting others treat us, won't that be..." My husband was a little worried.

"It's alright! I think it's fine, I'll do it." I glanced at Weicheng and his wife, feeling a pang of pain in my heart. To alleviate my loneliness, I'd inexplicably overspent this month.

The smell from last week still lingered in the living room, but without Zhiguo, it felt a little empty. I could hear Weicheng complaining, asking why I'd secretly paid for dinner.

We chatted about work and life in the living room, and before we knew it, it was almost midnight. I'm an early sleeper, and I couldn't help but yawn.

"Time to rest! Should we check the guest room?" Weicheng asked, his eyes sharp.

"Sorry, hehe! It wasn't intentional. It's a holiday! Sleeping a little later is fine!" "Come on, I'll take you to the bathroom." Xiaomin pulled me along.

"I didn't plan to stay overnight, so I didn't bring any underwear, but I tidied up before leaving, so it's okay!" By this time, Xiaomin had dragged me into the room, and I had to honestly explain my predicament. It was a last-minute decision, and it was quite awkward.

"Oh my god! Wear mine! I have some brand new ones that haven't even been opened yet! But on top, hehe!

You're bigger than me, I noticed when you wore your swimsuit last week. It's fine if you wear something on top or not when you sleep at night!" Xiaomin enthusiastically started rummaging through the closet, then pushed me into the bathroom.

Thinking about it, a shower would be so much more comfortable, especially, hehe! What a huge bathtub. *Thump*, Xiaomin pushed the door open, holding a brand new large bath towel. I forgot to lock it, thinking thankfully, I was still wearing my underwear!

Thinking this, Xiaomin turned around and said, "Xiaoli, help me pull the zipper in the back." Xiaomin started undressing and testing the water temperature right in front of me, everything so natural that I couldn't express my discomfort; saying anything now would seem petty. But I'd never faced a woman like this before in my life. A woman's body seemed more unfamiliar to me than a man's, even frightening. I trembled slightly as I took off my bra, using washing my face and removing makeup to stall for time, struggling for a long time before taking off my underwear. Xiaomin had already gotten into the bathtub, and I hadn't dared to look at her.

"Oh my god! The water's going to get cold if we don't shower soon," Xiaomin exclaimed.

I had no choice but to step into the bathtub. It was such a big bathtub that we could almost avoid touching each other while showering together.

"You have such a beautiful figure. I wish I had one like that. My breasts are so small," I said, pretending to be calm as I looked at Xiaomin. Her figure was actually very good. Her breasts weren't big, but her nipples were so small and cute. There... her pubic hair was quite thick, some of it floating in the water. Her labia were slightly parted, moving gently as if breathing. I was amazed. A woman's body is truly perfect! My heart started to heat up, and I think my face must be red.

"You're beautiful too!" I tried to answer politely.

Xiaomin turned around and lay down next to me. I shrank back slightly, but then I remembered we were both women, so I didn't move away! Who knew she would reach out and cup my breasts, saying, "So beautiful, makes me want to taste them!" I couldn't say a word. I was so shocked that I couldn't even move a single toe.

She lowered her head and kissed my nipple, gently biting it, her small tongue tracing the areola. My body went limp, completely melting; I had never experienced such delicate caresses.

She pulled me out of the bathtub, and I followed her to the bed as if bewitched. She began to kiss me.

I wanted to resist, but my tongue met hers. She lacked a man's muscularity, lacked a man's strong scent, yet she was so gentle, so beautiful.

She guided my hand to her breasts, and she gasped softly when I touched them. At first, I was clumsy, but it was instinct, and I quickly learned how to caress and kiss her small breasts.

Her hand moved to my genitals; I had never felt such a delicate touch, and my waist involuntarily arched.

I began to moan, my genitals swaying with her fingers. My clitoris felt like it was being brushed by a feather, and my orgasm gushed forth like a spring.

Suddenly, I saw Weicheng leaning against the doorway, a slight smile on his face. My heart sank. Oh God!

How could I have forgotten everything? What was this? A plaything?

My sudden stiffness must have alerted Xiaomin. She turned around and saw Weicheng. I could see the humiliation and anger in her eyes. Everything froze. Xiaomin lay beside me, trembling slightly with anger, her eyes locked with Weicheng's. I pulled the blanket over myself, and fear gripped me.

"Xiaomin... don't do this," Weicheng coughed and continued, "I love you. That's not important. Nothing else matters. I only want you. I can accept everything about you. No! Not accept, but be completely the same as you. Not out of coercion, not out of will, but naturally, we are of the same mind." The ice in Xiaomin's eyes melted, and I felt a surge of emotion. At least, I knew I wasn't a premeditated victim. Xiaomin turned and kissed me, and I accepted her.

Xiaomin's hand entered my vagina, and she immediately found my pleasure. I forgot there were others watching. It didn't matter anymore. I had reached the pinnacle of my life.

I don't know how I fell asleep; I hadn't slept so peacefully in a long time. When I woke up, I found Xiaomin nestled against my chest, but Weicheng was nowhere to be seen.

I lightly kissed Xiaomin, put on my bathrobe, and quietly pushed open the bedroom door.

Weicheng was standing by the French windows, smoking and gazing at the pool. He turned around alertly, saw me, smiled, and said, "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to last night." His eyes were bloodshot; he hadn't slept all night.

I took off my bathrobe and gently kissed his cheek. "It's okay, I know she loves you very much." Skinny dipping in the morning was so comfortable; I'd never tried it before. When I got up, I saw Xiaomin, completely naked, leaning against Weicheng, looking at me, then looking up at him.

She suddenly turned and hugged him tightly.

Chapter Ten: Naked

Li lay on the sofa, idly changing TV channels. I remember a long time ago, when there were only three TV stations, we never hesitated over which one to watch. The remote control was perhaps the greatest invention of modern times; with a simple press, we could navigate through dozens of stations. In the end, we couldn't truly focus on any particular film; watching TV all night only left us with a jumble of fragmented images.

Dropping her work, Lily gave me her seat and curled up against me like a cat. She inhaled the scent of my chest, as if trying to retain some memory.

"You know, life is so short, I'll grow old soon," Lily said calmly.

She'd said similar things before, but always with a hint of youthful anxiety; this time, it seemed to be stating an existing and irreversible fact.

"You mean?" I couldn't quite understand what Lily meant.

"I mean, how old should we live to be just right?"

"I don't know." Lily's tone worried me.

"I don't know how long my body can attract men. Or rather! I don't know how long my desire for men's bodies will last? Maybe I'll have to rely on injections of female hormones to have sex with you then, will sex then be meaningful?" "What's going on in your head all of a sudden?" "Let's talk honestly about our feelings! Okay?" "Okay!" I really wanted to know what Lily was trying to say.

"I know you'd be jealous of me with other people, but why didn't you stop me? You know you had the ability to stop me." "I know, I can't explain all this clearly. Let's put it this way! Maybe it's because I love you too much, our situations are different, we're in a long-distance relationship. You must have needs, right? Should I forbid your needs? Just because of my selfish possessiveness?" "That makes sense, but it doesn't completely convince me. I can use other methods! Like masturbation? Besides, I don't have that much of a need, twice a week is enough for me, and I get satisfaction from masturbating when I miss you!" "Maybe it's for the thrill? Maybe it's selfishness, because that way I can also find opportunities outside!" I was starting to feel overwhelmed by these questions.

"I crave excitement, and sometimes I enjoy hearing your stories. But do you really enjoy chasing women? Isn't it exhausting?" "...Well...I admit it. Honestly, since being with you, I haven't been able to seriously pursue anything anymore." "Hey! Explain yourself." Lily's smile held a hint of cunning.

"Ha! If a beautiful woman appears and she gives some hints, I'll act.

But if those hints are based on my misjudgment, I'll stop immediately. Maybe this woman wants me to spend a lot of time and effort chasing her, but I don't think she's worth it." "You want a simple, cheap woman?" "Not exactly. I get the thrill of conquering women, a kind of ambition! The greatest conquest is bringing pleasure to a woman, and that's satisfying." "Contradictory! You're contradicting yourself. If conquering women is your greatest ambition, then why do you make me sleep with other women? You should conquer me yourself!" "A trap?" I was a little confused.

"Hehe! Explain yourself properly." Lily said playfully.

"I don't actually like it. You could say I hate it when you sleep with other people." I took a breath, frankly revealing my narrow-mindedness.

"Your relationships with other people excite me, but at the same time, they terrify me of losing you. What I mean by hating it isn't that you get orgasms or any physical satisfaction from it, but that I'm not sure if you'll leave me." I continued, "I don't want to treat you like property, but you know that's how love is, and that's how I love you. I enjoy displaying what I possess to others, making them jealous and envious.

Even if someone doesn't believe how precious it is, I don't object to them touching it. As long as it's under my control, what if they break it?" "So, I'm just an objectified woman? A precious item? Something for you to flaunt?" Lily's questions were getting sharper.

"Darling!" I said, getting a little anxious. "It's not like that, you know that." "Your pleasure is another kind of satisfaction for me. You are a living treasure, and you need something to set you off and show your brilliance. To me, you are unique, one of a kind in the world." "You didn't really answer me; you're just trying to escape with flattery." Lily pouted.

"I'm telling the truth." I looked at her seriously.

"I said, I just think this best treasure shouldn't be buried; she should show her brilliance within permissible and safe limits. Because I love her, she is my equal, not in a master-servant relationship.

She can decide how she should shine according to her own will, but I have a responsibility to protect her from harm.

And because I love her, even if she suffers some harm, I still don't think it matters; she is still unique." "Let me put it another way! Even if this treasure belongs to someone else, I will still cherish her, love her forever, even if I can only watch from afar, even if she is in someone else's hands, it won't diminish my love in the slightest." Lily buried her head in my shirt and gently bit my nipple.

"What's your mindset when you sleep with other people?" I asked softly, afraid that this sensitive question would hurt Lily.

"Senses, stimulation, curiosity... um! To prove my attractiveness," Lily said directly.

"Mostly it's due to the situation. For example, the few times I didn't have any problems were because the situation wasn't right, hee!" "What kind of situation wasn't right?" "With you." "With me?" I was a little confused.

"For example, that time I went to Yangmingshan with someone, when he touched my thigh, I suddenly remembered that you don't caress me like that," Lily said, looking up at me.

"You know, it's a substitution, an extension? I can't truly be with someone else because there's no one in the world like you. Sometimes I'm so lonely, I want you so much, and then a man appears, maybe he has a bit of your shadow, like your movements or your way of speaking. I fantasize that that person is you, even hoping he can replace you, that you can fill my emptiness and insecurity in another form. But they're not you, no one can replace you, and most of the fantasies shatter completely the moment the other person invites me." "But what happened with Li Zhicheng was a different situation." "A different one?" "Yes! It was a feeling from the past." "Prove I'm still attractive! You know he was with me a long time ago, before we got married." "The physical sensations are long gone, I can't even remember them, but because he still wants me, maybe that proves I'm still as attractive as ever. Or maybe it's because he's married, which makes me feel more at ease with him! Ha!" "Actually, I'm glad we didn't actually finish that time. I thought about it afterwards, and I don't know what I would do next after we actually finished? Lie on his chest? I don't think I could do that. I feel like I can make love with him, but I can't be with him afterward." Lily's voice gradually weakened, and this cat was almost falling asleep as she spoke.

I pondered... How much do I love her? How long is life? What role does the body play between us? I only see everything through my own eyes. How much do I really understand Lily? How much of her mind is unknown to me? I don't even know her sexual feelings.

I only know I love her, and I don't know if this unchanging love is enough. Looking at her sleeping face, my heart began to feel lost. The world is becoming increasingly complex, and I only wish my mind could remain as simple as it was in childhood. Can I ever go back?

[The End]

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A married woman's inner monologue

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