Shenyang, Don't Cry for Me - Chapter 41: The Taste of Longing

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Arriving at class, I felt utterly exhausted, but work had to continue. Several urgent documents needed to be distributed today, and Sister Cao's speech at the conference on spiritual civilization construction also needed to be finalized. I felt my brain was sluggish; my head was filled with Amy, and I had no ideas whatsoever.
I felt a little better after drinking the coffee Ouyang handed me. Every time Ouyang sees me looking tired at work, he brings me coffee. I can't find the right words to describe how I feel about Ouyang, so I'll borrow a line from a song by Alan Tam—"Silent Gratitude."
It wasn't until 9 PM that I finally managed to cobble together the draft. Back in my little apartment, I fell asleep without even taking off my clothes. I felt much better the next morning, but then I remembered I had to submit the draft to Mayor Cao for review, and the provincial vice governor in charge of agriculture was coming to our city to conduct research at several agricultural enterprises. Not only did I have to arrange the itinerary, but I also had to plan some unique "programs" based on the characteristics of each enterprise.
The CEOs of all the companies make sure to communicate with the governor beforehand, so they don't just come up with all sorts of problems as soon as they see him, otherwise Mayor Cao's year of work will be for nothing. My head is starting to ache again. But there's nothing I can do, life goes on. It was like this when I was in the Agriculture Bureau; during the busy farming season, everything was a whirlwind of issues. Now, even though I'm working for the mayor, I'm still in charge of agriculture, and it's the same during the busy season. Either the power is out here, or the water supply is cut off there—it's all about bureaucratic wrangling, or there's a major case involving fake seeds and fertilizers.
Every day, I either write reports or accompany leaders on field trips, listen to reports, eat and drink... I don't get home to sleep until late at night. Although I am physically exhausted, I still have to appear in front of the leaders with full energy the next day.
Everyone feels they've done a lot of work, even if others see them as doing nothing. People say leaders are incredibly busy; who pays attention to us secretaries? Sigh, work is what I'm supposed to do, and I don't want others to see my helplessness and exhaustion.
I got back to my dorm around 10 pm, and this time I couldn't fall asleep. My mind kept replaying the events of the night before last. I really missed Amy, but I'd completely forgotten to get her phone number! Sister Cao didn't know either; she only knew Mr. Chen's number, and I didn't dare call him to ask for his daughter! There was nothing I could do but wait for her to contact me. Sigh, I've been waiting anxiously for her to reach me again.
More than half a month passed in a flash. During this time, we traveled to several agricultural counties, and I spent several days staying in the countryside with Mayor Cao. Finally, July was over, the major farm work was finished, and we could finally rest. During this period, there wasn't a single word from Amy. Being busy was better; at least it eased my longing for her. But whenever I had free time, Amy occupied my entire mind. Alas, I hate her heartless departure, without a single letter.
I wondered what new toy she had up her sleeve. I felt quite disappointed, but I tried to cheer myself up. I told myself, "Guan Han, Guan Han, don't think you can get your hands on a rich girl. Wake up, peasant!" When I'm making fun of myself, I'm willing to call myself a peasant. On one hand, it reminds me not to forget my roots, and on the other hand, it reminds me to stay clear-headed.
I've found that acquired beliefs often suddenly fail on crucial issues, while those subtle, deeply ingrained beliefs from childhood, no matter how much you suppress them, will play a decisive role at the last minute. Thinking about it, it's probably that tiny, suppressed sense of inferiority deep within me that's constantly pushing me to give up on things I should be striving for.
This summer, Lulu said she was going to teach in western China again, this time in Qinghai. It seems she's quite addicted to it. Actually, I wanted her to come back and keep me company this boring summer, but how could I let my own loneliness and boredom hinder her ambition? So I called her, reminding her to take care of herself and not to wander off unnecessarily, as it's hundreds of miles away and very dangerous. She drawled out that she knew. Then we started chatting until my phone died. Hearing her voice made me feel much better.

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Shenyang, Don't Cry for Me - Chapter 41: The Taste of Longing

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