Life is but a dream, fleeting pleasures, and after a hundred years, with whom shall we be? Alas, alas, alas.

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I don't know what to say. I'm a pessimistic person, someone who's always looking for a cure. I'm used to life and death, people coming and going, and I always worry a lot about the future. If on my last day I can sigh, "Looking back on the desolate place I came from, returning there is neither wind nor rain, neither

sunshine nor gloom!" then I've reached the end of my spiritual journey. Let's talk more about women and sex. In recent years, I've been with some women. Perhaps the initial reason was loneliness after arguing with my girlfriend in a long-distance relationship. When I met them, I was excited and uneasy. I wanted to experience the passion depicted in films, but I was also afraid of being scammed. After one night of passion, the passion faded, and I kept worrying about whether I had contracted a disease (mild physical and psychological fastidiousness). Now I think of about two: one was a woman around 38 years old at the time, with an art background and temporarily down on her luck (her husband gambled and disappeared); the other was a divorced teacher who once told me, "Once you get out, you can't go back." Years have passed, but that sentence remains deeply etched in my mind, and it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Whether it's casual sex or infidelity, it's all a kind of drug, only addictive. I don't know if anyone who has actually had casual sex or infidelity can ultimately return to a quiet, uneventful life. Those I know seem unable to do so.

Later, due to excessive worry about safety and deep remorse for my actions, I paused for a while. During that time, I met two women: one was a female civil servant, and the other was the person I still miss (I'll write a post on the forum reminiscing about our first meeting). The female civil servant sent me a few photos; she was tall and well-built, and the rest... well, let's just say she was beautiful, with delicate features. Perhaps I was just driven by lust, so I went to meet her. She wasn't as pretty in person as in the photos, but I couldn't rudely turn away. I could only tearfully... (you can't trust photos!). Later, I found out the photos she sent me were from several years ago. I was devastated. Based on this experience, I didn't see people online for a long time, only chatting occasionally. I can't remember how long it was before I met that person I missed. We talked about Zhou Guoping, Ji Xianlin, Junichi Watanabe, Somerset Maugham, and Master Hongyi (Master, forgive me), etc. She had probably read all the books I'd read outside my profession and had unique insights. Later, as we got to know each other better, we talked about life, religion, and shared our thoughts on the meaning of living and the value of life. At the time, I had the idea of becoming a nun, and she gently persuaded me, saying that if I ever became a nun at Lingyin Temple, she would become a nun nearby. Haha, I knew it was just comforting words, but it still warmed my heart. We maintained a stable relationship and a regular meeting frequency for over three years. Then, due to certain objective factors, we separated.

After the last breakup, I roughly understood the boundaries of my own psychology and some shortcomings in handling relationships. Plus, I was busy with work and reading other books, so it all passed. During this time, I met a woman around 40 years old. Although we never met, I learned a lot from her. Much of my knowledge about sex came from her; after all, women are a man's best teacher. She would talk about marriage, a good life, men encountered in life, when separations occurred, and the emotional feelings involved. I would also tell her about my deepest troubles, and she would offer appropriate advice, for which I was deeply grateful. She even suggested that since we had talked so much, we should meet and have sex. I said that since we were so close, the pleasure of chatting was no less than that of sex, and politely declined. It wasn't that she wasn't good, but I didn't want to lose a pure friend and gain a casual sex partner.

Later, I met a divorced single mother who faced immense difficulty remarrying with her child, but her skills were only average. There were also women who had experienced heartbreak, women involved in threesomes, and women who spent a night in bed with whom I didn't engage in any physical intimacy—I won't go into detail. Over the years, the most mature thing I've learned is how to say no. I've fallen in love, and I've also rejected many people who offered to sleep with me (let me just pretend).

Those who once sang and danced, whether kings and ministers or commoners, are all gone, reduced to dust, vanished like smoke. Whether someone remembers them or no one recognizes them, what difference does it make to the ancients? Today, you and I
have written so much, probably just to say something—some things that can't be said face-to-face, so we vent online.

Now that I can somewhat accept the cycle of life, I recall and write about the past, though there's nothing particularly insightful. If there is anything, it's to be kinder to women you meet or those who have cheated. Most women are psychologically wounded and need comfort and fulfillment. Put some effort into making them happy.

A friend once said that anyone who writes books and expresses their feelings is sick. Happy people are immersed in life; who writes books and expresses their feelings for no reason? They're either obsessed with fame and fortune or trapped in heartbreak—I wholeheartedly agree. I am just a patient, someone searching for a cure, someone searching for the bullseye.

Thank you for the roads I've traveled, the scenery I've seen, and the people I've loved; everything they've done has made me who I am today!

A friend's signature serves as the ending: "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, for ye may ye have no flowers left to pluck."

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Life is but a dream, fleeting pleasures, and after a hundred years, with whom shall we be? Alas, alas, alas.

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