Untitled Essays

page views:1 Publication date:2020-08-23

Life is full of unexpected experiences, from initial curiosity to obsession, and finally to acceptance. I stumbled upon this circle by chance; Paradise was where I started making friends, and perhaps it will be where it all ends. I don't know if what I did was right or wrong; for me, it's the memories that remain, while for them, perhaps I wasn't perfect. Life is full of firsts, and firsts are always so memorable—perhaps beautiful memories, perhaps regrets. I'm lucky to have beautiful memories. I've been estranged from them for a whole year, and a lot has happened in that year. A year ago, I was obsessed with this game, seeking physical pleasure. In this year, I lost that initial passion. I've had three or four experiences with couples, but I can no longer find that feeling; it's just physical satisfaction. Each time it ends, I feel increasingly empty, longing for the past. Now, I prefer to satisfy my physical needs myself. When I can't hold back anymore, I occasionally go to a couple of women I used to know, and it's always just me alone. That winter, through this place, I met him, a man who led me step by step into this game, and a woman I can't forget. I always talked to him, and then we'd have sex together as a threesome. Eventually, I also had contact with him. Sometimes it's hard to tell whether I'm obsessed with him or her. Later, I met several couples, some with better skills, some with exceptional coordination. Is it just because I couldn't forget my first threesome with them? A year ago, when I realized I was going to lose them, I finally understood. Over the two years I was with them, I slowly fell into a strange, inexplicable emotional state. I wanted to be able to talk about anything with a man, to serve her with him, to satisfy his preferences, to enjoy serving her and making her feel good, while also wanting a response and psychological comfort from them, and even wanting to possess them! Under this mindset, something tormented me, making me waver between giving up and trying. That feeling of being able to get something with a simple reach, but losing it forever if I let go—I understand that deeply now. Now I play the stock market, and I have this feeling every day. You could say I've transferred those feelings to playing the stock market; only in this way can I get excited and stay in a state of constant stimulation. Time can make some things, and it can destroy others. In this past year, I've thought about the time I spent with them, but most of the time I've managed to stop thinking about it. Perhaps that's what letting go is. I used to browse the internet every day, now I only check occasionally, and lately I don't know if it's been happening more often. Today, some images suddenly came to mind: the tingling sensation of her pinching my testicles; her farting and giggling when two men were closely observing her genitals; her farting in bed, shaking the blankets so we could smell it, and giggling; and me, from behind, entering her in the middle of the night, her arms around his neck, moaning; even the scene of him holding her while I penetrated his anus. It all seems like yesterday, yet it feels like the earliest of these events is almost three years ago, and the latest is a year and a half ago. If fate allows, see you again in a year! In three months, I'll be completely free. Where will I go then, and what will I be doing?

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