When Will the Moon Be Bright Again (Part 2)

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When Will the Moon Be Bright Again (14) Born Between Death and Death

Min passed away just like that. I was refused to attend Min's funeral. In fact, Min's parents didn't say a word to me again, nor did they look at me. I was rejected just like that. My heartbroken father announced on his sickbed that he no longer had a good-for-nothing son like me. Misfortune kept coming. Ting was found to be pregnant during a physical examination. Although she firmly refused to say that it was my child, the school still expelled her. I wanted to go back to that small southern town with her. Yes, I already knew that it wasn't her birthday that day, but I had already let one down and couldn't ruin another. Ting's parents only gave me one sentence, "If you want to get married, you have to step over our coffins first." Ting and I separated just like that. Later, I learned that she still gave birth to a son for me, but by then I was too weak to look for her anymore. I had no heart left to break. I admitted to the school that Ting's child was mine. With the help of Teacher Liu and other teachers, I was placed on probation. I didn't want to stay, but where could I go? Home no longer wants me. Min is dead, Ting has been taken away, and I'm left here. Perhaps the world's condemnation can lessen my sins. I'm abandoned by everyone! I have no friends left. All the girls in the school know I killed Min. And what boy would want to befriend a bastard like me? I've fallen from the pinnacle of fame to the very bottom of society. People avoid me like the plague, and I understand, so I try my best not to offend them. The only thing that hasn't abandoned me is books—literary books, ha, do I even feel like it? Only academic books can temporarily make me forget the world. The weather is getting hotter, and my heart is getting colder. I try to spend as much time as possible reading, but the classrooms will eventually close. At night, I wander the campus, a cigarette in hand, a bottle of liquor. I'll get drunk as much as I can, hoping to stay drunk forever, never wanting to wake up. The wind rises, and large raindrops pelt down relentlessly—good for them!! The rain extinguishes my cigarette. I drink the last drop of liquor, and in an arc, the bottle flies away. I laughed wildly, so unrestrained, so exhilarating! Laughter mingled with the rain, indistinguishable between rain and tears. I slumped down like mud, lying in the rain, letting it wash away my endless sins. An umbrella shielded my head. It was Xiao Xiao; she said nothing. I got up, silently, and staggered out of the campus, leaving Xiao Xiao behind in the rain.

On the rainy night streets, a few cars sped by, their lights blurring. I stumbled and fell towards an oncoming sports car. The car stopped in front of me, and I bent down, so tired, I needed support. "Are you trying to kill yourself, running into your grandma's car?" "Huh, it's you?" I glanced sideways; it was Da Bailing. She helped me into the car, and it sped away. When I opened my eyes again, I was in a villa, magnificent, modern, and stylish, with everything I should have, and even things I shouldn't have. I looked around, my gaze drawn to a woman. She looked so familiar, yet I couldn't quite place her. "Little brother, you're awake. You're so heavy, I almost couldn't lift you." I managed to focus and recognize her—it was the nightingale from the expedition team, her name was Wenrou. "Where is this?" "My home. How's it? Pretty good, huh?" "Give me a glass of water." A glass of water, sometimes, is like nectar; it soothed my burning throat. "Your home? Is that old man your father?" I pointed to the huge photo on the wall—her and an old man who was now only able to support the central government from the local area. They looked very intimate. "Him? My husband." *Pfft* I spat out a mouthful of water. "Your husband?" "Yes, although we're not married yet, we're practically. He's a bit older, but very rich." "You haven't graduated yet, have you?" I changed the subject. "Six more months." "..." I felt tired and didn't want to say anything more. She pressed herself against me. "Little brother, are you alright?" Her hands began to rub my body. I felt annoyed and pushed her away. "What, embarrassed? It's not like we haven't done it before." She clung to me again. "Or, are you afraid of being found out and ruining your reputation?" Afraid? What am I afraid of? I'm already infamous. The regret, resentment, and repression that had been building up inside me surged up all at once.

I grabbed her hair and slapped her across the face. "Fine, you're willing to be fucked, what more could I ask for?" She didn't back down; instead, her eyes lit up. "Come on, little brother." I pounced on her, ripped her clothes, and pinned her to the low table. She lay there like a dog. I pulled out my penis and, without any foreplay, thrust it in from behind. At first, there wasn't much lubrication; she was a little dry. But soon, she secreted a lot, and she started howling, as if she was enjoying it. I didn't care about any technique; I just thrust in and out forcefully, each thrust deep and each pull out long. When I thrust in, she would gasp; when I pulled out, she would inhale deeply. Her juices rolled down her thighs. Each time I pulled out, a lot of fluid came out, endlessly. My hand reached for her breasts, grabbed those two fleshy mounds, and kneaded them hard. She cried out even more excitedly. I felt myself coming, and sped up my thrusting, and she felt it too. "No, don't ejaculate inside." I ignored her and released inside her. I collapsed on the floor, my eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. She pressed against me, I kicked her away, she pressed against me again, but I didn't move. "You're amazing, the best I know." "You're fucking cheap." "Ha, these days, if women aren't cheap, where do they get money? Like the old man I'm hooking up with now, two minutes each time. But the house, the car, the dollars, aren't they all mine?" I felt extremely disgusted, not at him, but at myself. Living is harder than dying.

Ananda. I have told you about all things you love and desire. All things that come together must eventually separate. Even if they stay together for a long time, all conditioned phenomena will eventually cease. - The Great Compassion Sutra When

Will the Moon Be Bright (15) Selling Myself

"Brother Guang, hello. I hope you can receive this letter. I sent it with great effort. I don't expect you to forgive me. I know you hate me in your heart. I deceived you and killed Min. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know how things turned out this way. I just love you too much. I can't bear to share you with someone else. Unfortunately, when I realized I loved you, it was too late. When I realized I was jealous of her, it was even later. I have sentenced myself to life imprisonment, a prison sentence for my soul. I will not contact you again because I have no face to face you or myself. I will give birth to the child. No one can stop me! He is mine and yours. Don't worry, I will not let him suffer. I can imagine that you are not doing well now. If you can, please accept my 'I'm sorry'. Ting who once belonged to you 6/27/1995" I sat blankly in a corner of the campus, reading this hastily written, tear-stained letter. My heart was filled with turmoil. I don't know if I hate Ting now, love her, pity her, or some other feeling I don't know. I gently tore the letter apart, letting the sweltering wind scatter it. I didn't want to face the past anymore, whether it was love or hate; I had the strength, but not the courage, to confront it. Another holiday had passed, everyone had left, and I was alone, with nowhere to go. Counting my few banknotes, my family's finances were cut off, my school scholarship had stopped, and I had to find a way to survive.

"You guys, you just need to find ways to get them to advertise with us, any method you use, as long as you get advertising. There's no base salary, everything comes from advertising commissions, understand? If you understand, you can get started. Don't forget to take the price list." Holding a copy of "Electronic Plaza" under the blazing sun, I started working. "Sir, this is 'Electronic Plaza'..." "Excuse me, we are 'Electronic'..." "Miss..." ...My luck is so bad. More than a week has passed, and I only have less than 500 yuan left, but I haven't sold a single advertisement. I can't go on like this. "Do you want games or software?" "Do you want porn?" I mingled in the crowds of Zhongguancun, competing with pregnant women or women from out of town with children for a living. "What porn do you have?" "We have glamorous widows, pretty secretaries, lots of stuff." A customer came, and I enthusiastically took out all the pirated CDs for him to choose from. "Run! The police are coming!" the man shouted, and he took off running. I ran too, but in a different direction. After running a few steps, I sensed something was wrong. My hands were empty, and the street was bustling with people as usual. "Fuck your mother!" I cursed at the vanished conman. Two hundred yuan, my 235 yuan was gone. Time flies, and school starts in a week. I've been selling roasted lamb skewers for a few days now. I ran into the city management team once, they stole a grill, and I earned two hundred yuan. Only two hundred yuan. My tuition is five hundred yuan, and I still need to buy books and food. Sigh, how am I going to survive? I set up my stall as usual and started. The first customer was Wenrou. "Why are you doing this? Is it fun? Let me try it too." "Get lost if you don't buy." I felt a deep-seated disgust for her. "Why are you being so mean to me?" "If you're not going to buy, then don't cause trouble." I didn't want to get entangled with her. Just then, a few people came over. "Is this your stall?" I saw the city management brigade's car hidden in a corner. I pulled Wenrou along. "We came to buy some too, but we didn't see anyone selling. Maybe they went to the restroom." I turned to the bewildered Wenrou and said, "Let's go home. We're not eating today." "Wait..." I didn't wait. I opened the car door and ran off with Wenrou. I couldn't get caught.

Looking at the table full of delicious food, I felt a surge of hunger. I hadn't eaten anything good in a long time. I picked up my wine glass and drank it all in one gulp. Let the sake wash away my sorrows! My eyes were only on the drunken chicken and beef tenderloin. I didn't see Wenrou, who was subtly displaying her charm. It wasn't that I didn't see her, but that I wasn't interested. After we finished eating and drinking, I got up to leave. "What, you're leaving already?" "Why aren't you leaving? Are you staying overnight?" "Why not?" She clung to me like an octopus. "Why not, little brother?" Her teeth gently bit my ear, and her hand reached down to my lower body. "Okay, wait for me." I turned and went into the bathroom, turned on the cold water, and immersed my head in it for a long, long time. I took off my clothes one by one, my eyes feeling a little hot. I walked out naked and said casually, "Where do you want to dry off? Is this still the bedroom?" She was a little stunned, but still came to greet me. "In the bathroom." Water rushed out of the showerhead excitedly, and I slowly wiped her smooth back. Her skin was perfect, round, and shiny. I licked every inch of her skin from back to front, from top to bottom, from the outside in. I sucked and bit her firm, full breasts, the nipples already protruding. Sometimes I sucked, sometimes I bit, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, saliva mixed with water droplets, covering both hemispheres. Her voice gradually rose, and her body began to twist restlessly. I moved downwards, using my fingers to separate the wet, dark forest, prying open the thick labia. They were pink, tender and moist, and the clitoris was already a little swollen, like a red bean. I took her clitoris into my mouth, feeling it swell. I gently picked up a swollen labia, tugged at it, and let go, watching it spring back. Once, twice. Her soft, gentle breathing grew louder, her body softer, until she was completely buried in my arms. One hand supported her back, the other slipped into her already overflowing valley. I slowly thrust in and out, feeling the constant spasms there. My index finger found a hidden little plateau inside, carefully rubbing it. She gradually fell silent, and after a torrent of fluid gushed out, she let out a cry and went completely limp. I dried us both with a towel, carried her into the room, and mounted her. She wrapped her legs around my waist, arching her back to meet my thrusts. I left clear teeth marks on her face, body, and breasts. Finally, I reached my climax, after hers. I sprayed my millions of semen onto her face, which was dazed with satisfaction, and a sense of pleasure rose from the depths of my heart. I got dressed and said to her, who was lying on her side, "Five hundred dollars." She hesitated for a moment, then took out five hundred dollars from her wallet on the ground. "Are you sure you want it?" I sensed her doubt. "Yes, five hundred dollars." I took the money calmly and left. The night was so quiet, with a few stars swaying, no moon, no wind.

A rat has skin, but a man has no manners! A man without manners, what is the point of living?

A rat has teeth, but a man has no restraint! A man without restraint, what is the point of

living? A rat has a body, but a man has no body! A man without a body, why not die quickly? - Poem. Guofeng. When will the bright moon and gentle breeze return?

(16) Rebirth

The third year of university began. My mother secretly sent me 2,000 dollars, which temporarily relieved my urgent need. But I was no longer able to continue attending the English conversation class. Not long after, Xiao Xiao met me on the road and asked me why I was not attending the conversation class, saying that Larry (our conversation teacher) missed me very much. I just smiled and didn't explain much. Every day, besides classes, I was busy working part-time. Whether it was handing out flyers, posting advertisements, or doing surveys, I did anything that paid. Wenrou came to see me, but I ignored her. Because I didn't want to become a ghost yet. I wanted to live on my own. At night, I was the last one to go home. While others were enjoying romantic evenings, I seized the time to study. If you say that heaven is blind, I agree. In early October, that night, I went to the department to study. As I was going upstairs, two girls came down in front of me. For some reason, one of them lost her footing and fell headfirst. I quickly reached out to help her, but fate played a trick on me, and my hand touched her slightly protruding breast. "You pervert!" She blushed and slapped me hard across the face as I quickly pulled my hand away. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I apologized hastily. "You scoundrel, you scoundrel, ptooey." The two men glanced at me with disdain and walked away. I could vaguely hear them say, "It was him. He got one girl pregnant and killed another." "Really?" "Of course, let me tell you..." The voices faded into the distance, and my heart pounded harder, my chest felt like it was going to explode. I forced a breath and punched the wall hard, blood splattering out. "Don't take it to heart," I turned around, and there was Ms. Liu. "I saw everything. It's not your fault. Be strong." I forced a smile and left.

The next afternoon, Deputy Party Secretary Zhang called me to his office. "Chen Guang, how have you been lately?" "Not bad," I replied, looking down at the gleaming floor. "Not bad? Some classmates told me you were harassing a girl yesterday." "What?" I jerked my head up, my voice rising. "What are you yelling about? Did that really happen?" "No, really not." I lowered my voice honestly. "Not? If it were someone else, I might believe you, but you..." "You managed to get another girl pregnant, and I heard you were hooking up with two girls at the same time. You're no good at all. We gave you a chance to stay on campus, and now you're harassing her again..." "I really didn't, go ask if you don't believe me..." "Ask what? Just admit it honestly, you've already been disciplined anyway, what's there to be afraid of?" "If I did it, I admit it; if not, I can't admit it." My tone grew stronger. A nameless anger began to rise within me. "Bang!" He slammed his hand on the table. "Admit it if you want to! You think I can't handle you?" "You're being unreasonable." "There's no reasoning with a scoundrel like you." "You, you..." I couldn't speak, opening my mouth several times. "Well, speechless now. Admit it and we'll still handle you properly." Looking at his cold smile, I couldn't bear it anymore. All the pain, grievances, and heartbreak of the past erupted at once. "Do whatever you want with me." I strode out, slamming the door shut with a loud crash as the glass shattered. "What kind of attitude is this? What kind of attitude is this?" I stormed out of the school, laughing wildly, then yelled, "Fuck your mother!!!" I stumbled and confusedly arrived at Wenrou's house. This was perhaps the only place I could come to. I pounded on the door, "Open the door, open the door." No response. I kicked it twice more, "You fucking open the door." The door opened, and she, dressed elegantly, opened it. "Ah Guang, what's wrong with you? Why are you so drunk?" "Mind your own business, I'm a thug, who am I afraid of? I can do whatever I want." "Okay, come in first." "Hmm? You're dressed so beautifully, where are you going? You're not allowed to go." I staggered into the room. "You're so beautiful, haha, come have a couple of drinks with me." "You're drunk, Ah Guang." "I'm not drunk, I'm perfectly conscious." "They all say I killed Min, I'm a big thug, a bastard." "Hehe, you." I leaned against the wall, lifting her gentle chin with one finger, "You're a fucking bitch, and you think I'm a gigolo." "Hehe, bitch and bastard, a perfect match, haha." "Slap." I felt a burning pain on my face. "You hit me?" I slapped her to the ground, "You dare hit me, huh?" I pounced on her, roughly slapping her, her cries actually excited me, excited me. My eyes gleamed, and I started tearing at her clothes. "No, don't do this to me, A-Guang." "No? Don't you always want me to fuck you? I'll fuck you to death today." One of her white, tender breasts popped out from her torn clothes, and I grabbed it hard. She cried out in pain. I opened my hand, leaving dark red handprints on it, and my animalistic desire burned even more intensely. I pushed her to the floor, tore off her remaining clothes, pinched her, hit her, bit her, leaving marks on her white, tender skin. She kept crying. "Don't cry." I reached out and pinched her chin. She stopped making a sound, but tears kept flowing. I roughly spread her legs, and her two labia, covered with curly downy hair, opened and closed, revealing the tender red flesh inside. She tried to cover herself with her hands. I unbuckled my belt, twisted her hands behind her back, and tied them up. She cried out in pain, but I ignored her. I turned her over, lifted her legs, and raised her there. I bit down, biting her lips and the rising clitoris. She kept twisting her body, but it coordinated with my movements. My tongue licked the entire mountain forest, and even explored the slightly open valley. Some water gradually flowed out of the valley, mixed with my saliva, flowing down her lower abdomen to her breasts. I followed there as well. Two white mounds trembled and shook incessantly, two small grapes standing erect. I sucked and bit them, my greedy saliva flowing. I cherished those breasts like a baby, burying my head tightly between them, feeling the pressure and fullness on both sides with my cheeks. My lower body swelled more and more, a swelling that was both painful and hot. I plunged her into the valley, swimming freely in the stream. She stood with her legs and upper body crossed, majestic and imposing, thrusting powerfully. Her sounds were intermittent. I grabbed her slender waist and flipped her over so her back was facing me. Because her hands were bound, her feet couldn't find a firm footing, and her body moved with my movements. I felt good. Water flowed down our legs, and I felt small puddles forming at our feet. I continued, feeling her spasms inside. I felt a tingling sensation spreading down my spine. I climaxed, releasing inside her. I threw her onto the sofa, unbuckled my belt, and looked at the marks on her body, at her slightly swollen eyes. I gradually came to my senses, and tears streamed down my face. I didn't want to see myself become a beast, but I had changed after all. I carried her slowly into the bathroom. Scalding water droplets pelted my body like thunder. I carefully cleaned her and myself, washing every inch of skin until it was red, washing away every trace of dirt. We went outside, got dressed, and remained silent for a long time. I said to her, "I'm sorry." I got up to leave, but she stopped me. "I know you've had a hard time and have suffered a lot. Can I help you? Whether it's financially or otherwise?" I smiled. "Thank you. I'll find my way myself." After I left, I returned to school. It was late at night. I met Xiao Xiao at the school gate. I saw her anxiety and concern, and I stopped her. "Don't worry, I'm fine." I stepped into the school. In front of the dormitory building, Teacher Liu and several other teachers and students came to greet me. "Chen Guang, I've explained everything to Secretary Zhang. Everything is fine." "Thank you, teacher." My composure surprised them. "Really nothing?" "Yes, nothing!" I stepped into the dormitory building, each step so steady.

The darkness gave me black eyes, and I used them to seek the light.

When will the bright moon appear (17) Being loved

Everyone felt my change. I became colder and more silent. I no longer avoided or retreated as I used to. In short, I'm making them a little afraid now. Deputy Party Secretary Zhang was exposed for soliciting bribes from graduates and was imprisoned, which relieved my anger. As the weather grew colder, I found a job assembling computers in Zhongguancun. The pay wasn't much, about 500 to 600 yuan a month, but the hours were flexible. Plus, no one there knew my background, so I felt more comfortable. Xiao Xiao would always bump into me, intentionally or unintentionally. Nothing special, just polite greetings, but I was grateful to her. I knew she was worried about me collapsing or getting into trouble. She was like the gentle winter sun, not intense, but always warm. Wenrou came to see me; we ate together, made love, and our relationship became more normal than before. She was another safe haven for me. I gradually understood her; I knew she had her own dark secrets, but I never asked. She now makes a living through stock trading and other businesses, but she doesn't really need to. Her ex-husband died, leaving her a large inheritance. December arrived, and the snow began to fall in Beijing.

Thursday, December 7th.

I went to class as usual. The first two periods were free, so I left just as others were changing classrooms. The teaching area was bustling with people. As soon as I parked my bike, I heard people talking about me again. I stopped the group of girls who were pointing and whispering about me. "Hey, everyone knows I'm a scoundrel, but please, tell me to my face next time, okay?" Then I walked into the teaching building, completely ignoring their panic. My classmates were acting strange today. They seemed to be talking about something or doing something, but they all avoided me. I'm used to it and didn't bother them. I focused on attending class. At noon, we went to the department early to do an experiment. In the lab, I was intentionally or unintentionally pushed into a corner, while they were still discussing something, very quietly and mysteriously. The experiment was complicated, but it wasn't a problem for me. However, it was a bit difficult for the oldest student in my class who was standing at the door. Around 4 pm, everyone else had almost finished and was ready to leave, but he was still busy there. As the saying goes, haste makes waste. His heating vessel suddenly caught fire, quickly igniting the aging electrical wires. Everyone froze, because next to it was a hissing, high-pressure hydrogen cylinder—a bomb! No one dared to move. I don't know where I got the courage, but I rushed over, yelling "Get out of here!", kicked the stunned leader aside, shut off the valve, grabbed the hydrogen cylinder, and ran. I don't know where I got the strength; looking back, it was probably just a desperate act. I placed the hydrogen cylinder at the building entrance, turned back, and saw the fire in the lab already being fought. I rushed in, retrieved the items everyone had left behind—especially my own; I didn't want to spend more money buying them. The fire gradually died down; half the lab was destroyed, but thankfully, there was no explosion. Amidst the commotion, I quietly left, went back to wash my face, changed into clean clothes, and left the campus.

At a Sichuan restaurant outside the school, I ordered a few dishes and a few bottles of wine. Today is my 21st birthday. I took a sip of wine, and a flood of memories washed over me. Two years ago, I was the third person in my class to celebrate my birthday, and the whole class came out—it was quite a lively occasion. A year ago, in the same restaurant, Min and I were together, so warm and cozy. Now, I'm all alone, and she has passed away, separated by life and death, leaving me with a heartbroken soul. I sighed, finished my wine, and Chen Shuhua's "Rolling Red Dust" drifted into my ears.

At first, you were unintentional

, and I was a naive young boy.

Our love in this mortal world

was only because of that silent entanglement in the fleeting moments of life.

Was it a mistake of the world

, or a cause and effect passed down from a past life?

All of my life

, I would gladly exchange for a moment of communion between yin and yang

. Coming is easy, going is hard, decades of wandering in this mortal world ;

parting is easy, reunion is hard, the eternal sorrow of love and hate .

The heart that should have belonged to you

still protects my chest,

just for the manipulative hands behind the changing faces of this mortal world.

Coming is easy, going is hard, decades of wandering in this mortal world;

parting is easy, reunion is hard, the eternal sorrow of love and hate.

So, you, unwilling to leave, bid farewell to me, who is no longer here.

To this day, there are still faint whispers in the world following our legend .

In the rolling red dust, there are faint whispers following our legend

… “Ah Guang, do you love me?” “Yes.” "I love you! Forever and ever, until the seas dry up and the rocks crumble, my love is so deep I have no regrets, is that enough?" "Stop being silly." ... "Ah Guang, will you marry me?" "Why? Your parents have already recognized me as their in-law, do you think I can escape?" ... "Ah Guang, look, what beautiful flowers." "Where are they beautiful? They're just ordinary." "You can't even see how beautiful they are? You're an idiot." "What do you know? You don't even know that a person is more beautiful than a flower. You're the most beautiful woman in the world, what Xi Shi, Diao Chan, I spit on you. My wife is the most beautiful." "You're such a jerk." ... "Ah Guang, what do you want for lunch?" "Anything, whatever you want." "Really?" "Really, as long as it's not poison." ... "Ah Guang, are you still home? You saw my backpack..." ... Those eyes, those eyes I can never forget, spread through my heart. I gently stroked my left arm, feeling the bite mark there, tears streaming uncontrollably. In my blurry vision, Min sat in front of me, I stepped forward and grabbed her hand. "Min, don't leave me, don't leave me. You know how much I love you, you know how much I regret it. Min, forgive me, don't leave me all alone." Min's tears also flowed. We held hands, looking at each other with tearful eyes, speechless. "A-Guang, Min is dead. You can't go on like this. A-Guang." I saw clearly; she wasn't the Min I longed for, she was Xiao Xiao. I wiped my tears and apologized to Xiao Xiao, and also to the other bewildered people in the tavern. Xiao Xiao picked up her glass. "A-Guang, happy birthday. Forget the past, start anew." I was stunned, a warmth welling up in my heart. "Thank you." I drank it all in one gulp.

On the way back to school, I asked Xiao Xiao, "How did you know it was my birthday today?" "I can calculate." "Really?" "No, you used to be a popular figure on campus, there were so many legends about you. I knew." "Now I'm still a popular figure, only infamous." I smiled bitterly. Xiao Xiao stopped. "Chen Guang, you can't do this. You should face reality, rekindle your courage. Min wouldn't want you to sink like this. Chen Guang, pull yourself together, I'll support you!" I grabbed her hand. "Thank you, really, thank you." Xiao Xiao blushed and tried to pull her hand back, but I quickly let go. "I'm sorry," Xiao Xiao whispered. "It's okay." We quietly returned to school. When we got to the dormitory building, I looked up. None of the three boys' dorm rooms in my class had lights on, and it was only a little past 8 o'clock. "Why is no one in your class's dorms?" "Maybe there's something going on, I don't know. Want to come up and sit for a bit?" "Okay." We went upstairs. Compared to the noise of the other dorm rooms, the dorm rooms in my class were very quiet. I opened the door, and the lights suddenly came on. The room was crowded with people, men and women. "Happy birthday!" they shouted, startling me. The other six people in my dorm squeezed over, holding wine glasses. "Fifth brother, don't say anything, if you're a brother, drink it down." I took the wine glass with trembling hands, tilted my head back, and drank the wine in one gulp. My eyes were wet... when you touch me like this and when you hold me like that it was gone with the wind

but its all coming back to me

when you see me like this

and when I see you like that

then we see what we want to see

all coming back to me

the flesh and the fantasies

all coming back to me

I can barely recall

but its all coming back to me now

- its all coming back to me now - Jim Steinman - Celin Dion (sing)

When Will the Moon Be Bright (18) Looking Back

Winter has arrived, can spring be far behind? Because of my actions, according to the school, it was to save national property and protect the lives of my classmates, so the school lifted my punishment ahead of schedule. And my classmates, including other classmates, started to contact me again, and I finally smiled again. I cherish everything I have now because I once lost everything. Xiao Xiao, however, gradually faded from my sight, leaving me somewhat melancholy. But I dared not think too much about it. Because I always felt I was a sinner, unworthy of any deeper interaction with her. Xiao Xiao remained the ice queen of our school. Life was gradually returning to normal. Not long after my disciplinary action was lifted, I helped my boss (the boss I worked for) secure a deal: someone from a county in Hebei was buying 200 machines. The boss was very generous, giving me a 2000 yuan commission. I used this as an excuse to reluctantly invite Xiao Xiao to go to Mingzhu for seafood. The seafood was delicious, and many people ate it. I was poor, so I could only go along with it, but Xiao Xiao and I were the only ones there, and she roughly knew my background, so the meal was quite enjoyable. It was getting late, so we paid the bill and headed out. Before leaving, I went to the restroom. As I passed a private booth, the door wasn't fully closed, and a gentle voice came from inside. I stopped and looked carefully; sure enough, it was her, with a fat, bald man next to her.

"Rou Rou, our deal was a success! Can you spend some time with me now?" "Um, Mr. Luo, I'm sorry, I haven't been feeling well these past few days. How about another day?" "Not feeling well? I can take a look at you." A large hand landed on Rou Rou's shoulder. "Ah, thank you so much, Mr. Luo. I'll just go back and rest for a bit." Rou Rou carefully pushed the hand away and got up to leave. "Wait, where are you going, Miss Wen?" "I want to go home and rest. Excuse me, I'm sorry." Suddenly, my view was blocked by several backs. "Miss Wen, you've been making excuses ever since we started this deal. I, Luo Datou, am not a fool. Why should I do business with a small company like yours? It's all because of you, my little Rou Rou." A struggling sound came from inside... a loud "smack." "Damn it, I gave you face and you don't appreciate it. Aren't you just a whore? Tell me, how much for one time?" I could hear Wenrou's soft sobs from inside. I pushed open the door, pushed aside the stunned henchmen, and helped Wenrou up from the floor. "Come on, let's go home." "Wait, what are you doing here? Get lost!" "Get out of my way." I pushed him away. "Kid, you dare mess with me, Luo Datou..." Before he could finish, I grabbed an XO bottle from the table and smashed it on his round, greasy head. I placed the sharp shards of glass against his bleeding fat. "Don't let me see you again!" I helped Wenrou out of the crowd and saw Xiao Xiao. "You, you, go back first. I'm taking a friend home." Xiao Xiao lowered his head and walked away. A cold wind blew, and I realized I was soaked in sweat.

I carefully helped Wenrou inside and placed her on the sofa. "Give me a drink." Her voice was weak. "Rou Rou, would you like some water?" "Give me a glass of wine." Her voice was still weak, but it carried a chill. I poured her a glass of wine. She slowly took a sip, her eyes fixed on the glass. "You've seen it all, what do I do for a living? I'm a prostitute, haha." "Rou Rou..." "Ah Guang, shall I tell you a story?" "A long time ago, in a small county town, there was a little girl. That year, she was eight..." She was 18 years old, and it was almost Chinese New Year. Everyone had new clothes, but she didn't. She asked her mother for some, and her mother slapped her, saying, "Go ask your good-for-nothing father!" Her father hugged her tightly, wiping away her tears, "Child, I'm sorry, I don't have money to buy you new clothes." "You good-for-nothing! I'm so unlucky to have married into your family. If it were anyone else, they could steal or rob to buy their wife and children new clothes for the New Year. You good-for-nothing, get out, don't get in my way." Her father sighed and left. The next day, the 23rd of the twelfth lunar month, the Little New Year, her father suddenly brought his daughter a new dress—red with small floral patterns, very pretty. He also bought her mother several pretty dresses. Her mother was overjoyed and even kissed her father. The little girl laughed along. At noon, the whole family ate together. Just as they sat down, a large group of people burst in, all wearing peaked caps. With a "snap," they grabbed her father and took him away. Later, the little girl learned that her father had stolen money from the cooperative. A few days later, her father was executed, and her mother ran off with a tailor. The little girl was taken away by her only relative, her uncle. Her uncle didn't like her, and neither did her aunt. She had to do the laundry, tend the fire, and even carry his large penis. Her uncle drank a lot, and when he was drunk, he would beat her. He would also beat her when he argued with her aunt. And so, the little girl grew up. "Gentle and soft, she finished her drink and smiled seductively at me. 'Could I have another drink?' I got the whole bottle of wine, poured her a glass, and took one for myself." "The little girl is thirteen..." When I was 13, Ah Guang, do you know? Westerners think 13 is very unlucky, haha. That year, the little girl got her period. She was terrified and asked her aunt, but her aunt ignored her. Her uncle, who had been drinking, said, "Little girl, you've grown up." That summer was so hot. That day, her aunt took her younger brother back to her parents' house, and her uncle went out drinking. The little girl was in the inner room fetching a basin of water to wash herself. She touched her quietly developing breasts and felt a tingling sensation. Just then, her uncle came back, reeking of alcohol. I was so scared that I quickly covered myself with a towel, but her uncle's eyes were wide open. He touched my head and said, "Little..." "My little one's really grown up." He turned around and closed the door, but then took off his clothes. It was too hot, and my uncle wanted to cool off, I thought. But there was something thick and dark red sticking out of his groin, with two testicles hanging down there, oh, I should call them testicles, and they were throbbing. I was so scared. My uncle said he'd help me wash, and I didn't dare resist, afraid he'd hit me. My uncle groped my body all over, pinching my nipples, which hurt so much. He rubbed my breasts hard; they were so small, and he made them red. He even pulled on my nipples, stretching them out, then releasing them—it hurt so much. But my uncle laughed, a terrifying laugh. He touched my genitals, and I quickly backed away, saying, "Uncle, I can wash myself." "Uncle will help you; it'll be cleaner that way." But he pressed me to the cold ground. He opened my genitals and poked his fingers inside, it hurt so much. He even licked them with his tongue. I wondered, "Doesn't Uncle find it dirty?" I desperately wanted to pee. The thought of peeing into Uncle's mouth made me happy. Suddenly, Uncle thrust his dark red penis inside me. I screamed and fainted from the pain. I don't know how long I was in, but when I woke up, Uncle was still on top of me, humming and moaning. I felt down there… It was a tearing pain in my urethra; it felt like something like a stick was being poked around inside, causing me so much pain. I cried and begged my uncle to stop, but he grabbed a sock and stuffed it into my mouth, making me choke and almost unable to breathe. A long time passed, it felt like thousands of years. My uncle's eyes widened, his nostrils flared—he looked awful, so scary—he had urinated inside me. That night, my uncle did this to me three more times. The next day, my urethra was red and swollen, and very painful; I couldn't get out of bed for a week. My aunt beat me several times. But my uncle bought me some candy, creamy, very sweet. Fourteen At 18, I had my first abortion, and since then, I've had many more. At 17, three months before the college entrance exam, the old doctor at the county hospital told me, "Child, you probably won't be able to be a mother." I was actually quite happy. Not long after, I got into Peking University, a prestigious university. Before leaving my uncle's house, I sent my aunt away and told my uncle we should do it one more time—I took the initiative for the first time. My uncle was overjoyed. I gave him oral sex, licking his penis and testicles, swallowing the whole thing, taking his testicles into my mouth, and then spitting them out, all while moaning. "Ah Guang, have you ever heard me moan? Wasn't it beautiful?" I even kissed the head of my uncle's penis a few times. He was such a waste; he ejaculated in less than a minute. "Ah Guang, you're different. Every time, you make my mouth sore." I wished I could disappear into a crack in the ground.

Rou Rou stared at the wine and continued, "I cleaned up my uncle and then said to him, 'Uncle, I hate you.' 'Snap!' and cut it off. He fainted right then and there, haha, karma!!" I felt a chill fill the room. "Rou Rou, stop drinking, get some rest." "No, I haven't finished yet." "When I got to university, I thought I could start anew. But a few days into the semester, the old man in the department office called me away. He said someone from my hometown reported that I was a prostitute. He asked if I was, and I said no. He said he needed to check me, so he put me on his desk, a hard desk, which was very uncomfortable. I still prefer to do it in bed. What about you, A-Guang?" "He bit me all over. I didn't dare scream, afraid someone would hear. He's a pervert; he likes to pluck my pubic hair, one strand at a time. It hurt so much I cried." He made me lie face down on the table. I thought he was going to do it from behind, but he inserted it into another place instead. How could he do that there? It hurt so much. I gritted my teeth and endured it. He groaned. My back hurt, but my front was already wet, all over the floor. After he finished, he made me lick it clean for him. I asked him if anyone had said anything about me. He said I was a very honest and good classmate. He wouldn't believe the rumors. Near the end of my freshman year, someone in the department was competing with me for a scholarship, which I needed to live on. I went to the teacher in charge, who had just stayed on as a faculty member. That day, I wasn't wearing underwear. I was wearing a short skirt, below the knee. When I got to the office, he was alone. I closed the door, sat opposite him, and spread my legs to talk to him. His eyes kept drifting downwards, so I deliberately crossed my legs and shifted them. He was practically drooling. He said I didn't quite meet the scholarship requirements. I asked what the requirements were, and he stared at my chest. I grabbed his hand, placed it on my chest, and said, "Teacher, my chest hurts, could you rub it for me?" He squeezed my breast, so gently. "Ah Guang, sometimes you squeeze very gently, but I still prefer you to squeeze harder." "I started humming..." It was like singing. I grabbed his penis; he was already hard, his pants bulging. Through his pants, I touched it a few times, kissing him as I asked, "Do I meet your requirements?" He was the worst; he ejaculated right then and there, but I still got my scholarship. "In my junior year, I met an old man while dancing. He was a rich Chinese-American. He wanted to be my mistress. I asked him how much he would give me, and he said it was up to me, so I went with him. Every time, he would look at me first, making me undress. He said my body was a work of art, what do you think?" She took off her clothes, and I was actually struck by her beauty; I couldn't bear to look any longer. "He died later, leaving me a lot of money. I speculated in stocks and did business. How do I do business? I let them touch, kiss, bite, and fuck me. I use my body to make money. I'm a whore, hahahaha." She suddenly pounced on me. "Ah Guang, but later I found out I liked you, and I never slept with another man again. You must believe me, you must believe me, Ah Guang." I hugged her tightly, her face covered in tears. "I believe you. Really, I believe you." World Honored One, people do not understand the meaning of what the Tathagata said. Why? What the World Honored One said about the view of self, the view of others, the view of sentient beings, and the view of life span is not the view of self, the view of others, the view of sentient beings, and the view of life span. It is called the view of self, the view of others, the view of sentient beings, and the view of life span. When

will the bright moon appear (19) I would rather be sad

Looking at the sleeping Wenrou, I turned off the light, gently closed the door, retreated to the hall, found the cigarettes I had left behind, lit them, took a puff, and felt a little choked. My mind was in chaos. I didn't know how to deal with everything in front of me. Wenrou's words were quite clear: she loved me. But did I love her? I should say I never loved her, never even considered that I could. Our initial meeting was a result of being seduced. Later, in my despair, I became entangled with her, but I only wanted companionship. Our relationship was more accurately described as sexual partners, nothing more. Looking back now, I've always despised her, though I didn't often show it. She knows I've always considered her a promiscuous woman. Now, do I still have the nerve to say that? What's the difference between me and her beastly uncle, the scoundrel teacher at school, and the thugs in the business world who preyed on her body? The only difference is that she was satisfied with having sex with me, nothing more. But now, is leaving her too cruel? Should I add salt to her already wounded heart? I've experienced that feeling of being abandoned by the world. Am I really that heartless? Or is there truly no affection between us? And how should I face Xiaoxiao? I clearly saw the hint of sorrow in her eyes as she left. From the moment I met her, I've noticed every subtle change in her gaze. Perhaps she had a sliver of affection for me, and so did I. But, did I deserve it? Min and Ting, such wonderful girls, already ruined by my own hands. Should I even consider getting involved with another? I felt a burn on my finger and quickly shook it off, only to find that the cigarette had burned out. The cigarette was gone. What happened to my dilemma? As dawn broke, I heard a soft groan coming from the room. I rushed in. "Rou Rou, what's wrong? Are you feeling unwell?" "My head hurts so much, A-Guang." She nestled in my arms. "Take some medicine." It was almost 8 o'clock, and I still had class to attend. I quickly set out breakfast and grabbed her phone. "Rou Rou, I have class. I have to go now. Call me if you need anything." I dragged my weary body back to school, only to run into Xiao Xiao as I passed the girls' dormitory. "Hello." "Hello." ... "Is she alright?" "She? Oh, she's fine, she's alright." ... "I have to go to class, goodbye." "Xiao Xiao, I..." "Is there anything else?" "I, nothing, you go to class." Watching Xiao Xiao's departing figure, a pang of pain shot through my heart. Christmas was approaching, and Wenrou had become like a lively little bird, chirping incessantly. She bought me many things, but I didn't accept any of them except for a pair of shoes. I accepted her, not because of her money, but she didn't fully understand the slight sense of self-respect I had. During the time I spent with her, I always tried to make her and me happy, after all, laughter is better than tears. When I lay quietly at night, why did I crave a cigarette? On Christmas Eve, Xiao Xiao encountered me on campus, when I couldn't avoid her in time. "Long time no see." "Long time no see, are you alright?" "I'm fine... You seem to be avoiding me?" "No, why would I avoid you?" I didn't know what to say. "Are you free tonight?" Xiao Xiao asked, her head bowed, her shyness evident. "Tonight," I longed to go, but could I relapse into the emotional entanglements of the past? "Tonight, I have an experiment to do. What a coincidence, maybe next time." "Okay then, goodbye." Xiao Xiao left. I knew it was completely over, as if we had never even begun.

If I hadn't truly fallen in love with you, how could I bear to leave

? Destined to be a wandering wind, unable to bear your infatuation.

I never want to meet you again, never let you understand my heart.

Knowing you had to endure the wind and rain, I was forced to give up. I dare

not tell you, because I love you too much, I must apologize to you. I'd rather be heartbroken than see you cry. It would be best if you forgot me for the rest of your life. I can wipe away the tears in my eyes myself. You can hate me, resent me, it's all fine. I'd rather be heartbroken than see you cry. It would be best if you never thought of the past again. I will keep our past love in my heart, leaving no trace on your path, forever grateful on my path, silently remembering on tomorrow's journey—I'd rather be heartbroken. Andy Lau, I was gently summoned there. Passing through Gangwashi, I got off the bus and went into a church—my first time there. I knelt before God, "If you are truly the Lord, let Xiao Xiao forget me forever. I am willing to sell my soul to you." As I was about to leave, a man who looked like a priest called out to me, "Child, the Lord is with you forever." I smiled. Lord, I hope you love me. I pushed open the door, and Rou Rou floated over with a radiant smile, stopped in front of me, turned around, and her long dress fluttered gently. "Ah Guang, am I beautiful?" "Extremely beautiful." "Thank you." She bestowed upon me a kiss. That night, we had a very pleasant time, or at least it seemed so. When we quieted down, she gazed at me intently, and I gazed at her, our eyes growing hotter and hotter, our bodies drawing closer and closer, our lips drawn together like magnets. I held her lips in my mouth, gently prying open her teeth with my tongue, teasing her tongue. We kissed and embraced, hearing each other's heartbeats, our cheeks burning like fire. I scooped up this light and lovely woman, tossed her onto the soft bed, and pounced on her with a whoosh. I kissed her from her eyes, gently, my lips touching every inch of her skin. My gaze lingered on her two firm breasts, soft and white, taking them into my mouth and then releasing them. I suckled at her already budding nipples, delicate and red, making my mouth water. I licked them with my tongue, bit them with my teeth, sucked them with my lips, and flicked them with my fingers. Her eyes were already glazed, her words were incoherent, and moans had begun. My hands lingered there, my lips began to search downwards. I explored that alluring valley, withdrew my hands, and carefully parted the winding thicket to find the babbling brook flowing from it, with its creaking cliffs on either side. I caressed her plump labia, stimulating the tiny clitoris to grow faster. Her dazed state, my infatuation.

A finger, like a vanguard, probed into the abyss, feeling the delicate trembling within. The water flowed more and more, the sounds grew louder, the body more and more contorted. I bit the clitoris, taking it into my mouth and sucking hard, coordinating with the exploration of my finger. When I felt it was about time, I thrust my already eager penis into her, carefully, slowly, shallowly pumping in and out, enjoying the feeling of being surrounded. I must say, Rou Rou's technique was excellent, very cooperative. When I thrust in, she lunged forward; when I pulled out, she retreated, a back-and-forth, a delightful exchange. I pressed her legs against her chest, supporting myself with my hands, positioning my body like a push-up, straight and deep, each thrust heavy, but not fast. Because of the pressure, Rou Rou's voice was slightly hoarse, but it had a unique charm, very good. We slid down in climax, clinging to each other, waiting to calm ourselves. Rou Rou softly pressed herself against my chest, holding me tightly. Her hand was still slowly groping my body. When she touched my left arm, she touched my scar. I pushed her away and my face turned cold. Looking at her terrified face, I calmed down and said, "I'm sorry." I got up, lit a cigarette, and the smoke I exhaled gradually enveloped me... Silently I climbed the west tower alone, the moon like a hook. Lonely paulownia trees in the deep courtyard, locking in the deep autumn. Unbreakable, tangled, is the sorrow of parting. A different kind of feeling, in my heart. - Joy of meeting. When will

the bright moon appear (20) Life

Time flies, a semester is coming to an end, everyone is busy preparing to return home, I also want to go back, but I don't know if I can go back. I secretly called my mother and asked her if I could go back? My mother said firmly that I could go back, no matter what my father said, I could go back, because I am her son, her only son. I happily bought a train ticket and waited to go home. The last day of this semester came, because our grade finished the exams earlier than other grades, some people had already left. I also packed my bags and prepared to leave the next day. Around 4 PM, I quickly grabbed some things to take a shower. Just as I stood up, my fourth roommate pushed open the door, looking completely bewildered. "Hey, fifth roommate, I have a question for you. I was only a few minutes late for my date, and your sister-in-law gave me a hard time and left. She even said if I keep running around naked like that, she'll dump me. In the dead of winter, what am I supposed to do running around naked? Even in summer, I'd wear underwear. What does your sister-in-law mean by that?" I chuckled and patted his large belly. "My dear brother, it's nothing. Just don't act so cocky next time." Thinking and laughing, I found myself at the school bathroom, where I ran into Xiao Xiao. She had just come out, her long, dark hair still glistening with water droplets. Without makeup, her natural beauty was undeniable, making her even more charming and lovely. I tried to avoid her, but fearing I might be abrupt, I didn't know what to say. In my confusion, I blurted out a question. "Are there many people?" The question left my mouth, and I immediately felt awkward. Xiao Xiao smiled slightly. "I don't know." "Then, I'll go in first." With that, I fled.

That evening, Wenrou called me over to help her fix the leaky faucet. I went. Although I wasn't a professional, I still tried my best and spent over an hour fixing the leaking pipe. However, I accidentally tore my sweater. Wenrou looked apologetic, but I said it was nothing, I was wearing it underneath anyway. Wenrou thought for a moment, said she was going out for a bit, and left. Before she left, I asked her to make some ice for me to drink. She didn't return for over three hours, carrying a bag, but I didn't let her know what was inside. After we had a simple dinner, it was already quite late, so I didn't go back to school and stayed overnight. Strangely, Wenrou didn't ask to sleep with me, saying she had something to do, and locked herself in the study. Although I was a little confused, I didn't react much, afraid she would think I was only after her body. The night passed without incident. I woke up early in the morning because I was going back to my hometown today. After washing up, I felt hungry, so I went to the kitchen to find something. As I was searching, Rou Rou came in, her hands behind her back. "A-Guang, take off your sweater." "Why?" Even though the room temperature was fine, I still didn't understand why I had to take off my sweater. "Don't ask yet, just take it off." I took off my already torn sweater, puzzled. Rou Rou pulled out a new sweater from behind her back! A new, hand-knitted one. She gently pulled the sweater over my head. I looked into her eyes, which were slightly bloodshot, and saw endless tenderness within them. For the first time, I felt a sense of love for her, true love. I wrapped her arms around her and lowered my head to kiss her. Her lips were hot, her tongue was hot, her cheeks were hot, the body in my arms was hot, her whole being was hot, burning hot. Did she have a fever? I tried to cool her down.

I laid her flat on the huge dining table. I took off her clothes—one piece, still hot; two pieces, still hot; naked, still hot! No, I opened the refrigerator, took out an icebox, took a piece of ice, put it in my mouth, and then kissed her. I placed an ice cube on her delicate nipple; it quickly hardened. I carefully held the ice cube to prevent it from falling. The ice gradually melted; because it wasn't fully formed, the ice cube was somewhat hollow. When the ice melted, it became an ice shield, which I placed on her nipple. Her full, white breasts glistened, very alluring. I did the same, placing another on her other nipple. I drank the melted water, licking her soft, bouncy breasts—why was she still hot? Rou Rou was delirious from the heat, humming and moaning. I put a few more ice cubes in her mouth. I also placed a few ice cubes on her flat stomach, and Rou Rou wriggled restlessly. I kissed downwards, kissing her swollen clitoris, biting her raised labia. It was leaking! Water was gushing out, needing to be plugged. I took a carrot from the refrigerator, wrapped it in plastic wrap (fun is important, but safety and hygiene shouldn't be forgotten ^_^), and gently probed into that valley. The icy-cold carrot plunged into the scalding canyon, and Rou Rou cried out. I lifted my head, using my lips to intercept the remaining cry; her mouth was so cool. I lingered within her, Rou Rou's hands wrapped around my neck. Below, I explored relentlessly, Rou Rou's body restless like a snake. I released her lips, biting off the two remaining ice patches on her nipples, gently biting them as well. Rou Rou cried for help. I looked around, where were the bad guys? Why was she crying for help? Rou Rou stared at me with seductive eyes, "You're a big bad guy." I continued my work below. Strange, why was there even more water? I thrust the carrot rapidly, the stream gushing forth ceaselessly. The carrot probed deeper and deeper, the soft sounds gradually fading, leaving only faint moans. This couldn't continue, or the carrot would become a pickled radish. I'd use my own. I explored her body, sometimes deep, sometimes shallow, sometimes fast, sometimes slow. Softly, she clung to me, impossible to break free from. After a long while, we both collapsed in satisfaction. Life is beautiful!

The next morning, I stepped out of the train station, looking at the bustling city crowds, feeling the howling northern wind. I didn't know which way to go, a feeling of both anticipation and fear of being hurt lingering. I finally returned to my home in the city center. Going upstairs, I gently knocked on the door. It was my father. Before I could say anything, he slammed the door shut. My mother asked from inside, "Who is it?" "No one." "Really no one?" "No one." I put down my luggage and knelt down. Time passed slowly. I remained kneeling, unable to rise. People coming and going up and down the stairs looked at me curiously, but I felt nothing. My father tried several times to stop my mother from coming out, and my mother saw me kneeling in the peephole, but she couldn't persuade my father to open the door. I don't know how much time passed? The door opened, and my father said, "You unfilial son, you unfilial son!" He then turned and went back inside. The next day, I took a bottle of wine and a bouquet of flowers, left home early, and went to the cemetery on the outskirts of the city. I sat quietly before Min's grave, placed the flowers, opened the wine, and slowly drank. I knew Min was watching me; I knew she was watching me from somewhere in heaven. "Min, I'm here. I'll stay here with you. Are you alright? I'll play you a song, your favorite one." "You ask me how deep my love is, how much I love you. My feelings are unwavering, my love is eternal. The moon represents my heart.

A gentle kiss has already touched my heart.

A deep love has made me yearn to this day

...

" "Min, I will atone for my sins in hell. Now, bless me. In the next life, don't love me, let me love you. I will stay here with you, Min." The setting sun had fallen, two or three stars twinkled, and the crescent moon hung high in the sky.

The mind does not know that the mind exists,

nor does it see the mind. When the mind gives rise to thoughts, it is in a state of delusion. Without thoughts

, one enters Nirvana. This Dharma has no fixed form, but is eternally established in thought.

Those who understand emptiness are free from all thoughts.

- Pratyutpanna Samadhi Sutra

. When will the bright moon appear? (21) You are guilty.

It was already 1996. Spring in Beijing was somewhat resigned; the wind blew relentlessly. The new semester had begun, but many classes wouldn't start for several weeks, making it a bit boring. Having not had a moment of peace in a long time, I could finally rest, and I didn't go looking for Wenrou. Every day, I woke up late, went to bed early, ate a lot, and did no work. Life could be so mundane. I lay in bed, even though it was already past 10 pm. I poked my head out and surveyed the dormitory. Everyone was the same—eyes open, wrapped in blankets, stomachs rumbling one after another, but no one wanted to get up. I got up and found a small logic book in the corner of the bookshelf. I bought it when I wanted to be different, to think I was unique, or to think I was far superior to my peers, but it was really difficult to understand, and I'd never finished it. Now, I'd just kill time. I lay back down in bed, holding the book, and just as I turned two pages, a photograph fluttered down. I pulled the photo away from my face, and there it was—a picture of Ting, taken when the whole class went out for a trip during my sophomore year of college. In the photo, Ting was smiling so brightly because I was kneeling on one knee, offering her a large bunch of lush green grass. This was a photo that had miraculously survived. After Min died, I destroyed all my photos to avoid being reminded of her, but this one, tucked inside a book I had almost forgotten, had been preserved. Looking at the photo, I suddenly felt a surge of emotion. I wondered how Ting was doing now. Judging by the timeline, the baby should have been born by now, if it hadn't been aborted. I should say I'm no longer the impulsive young man who acts on impulse, but this time, I inexplicably told my roommate I was going away for a few days and boarded a train south.

After several detours and searches, I arrived at Ting's home in a water town. The ancient, somewhat dilapidated cobblestone streets and winding alleys echoed with a discordant sound of sorrow, coming from Ting's house. I nervously asked an old man shaking his head and sighing at the door. "Grandma, what happened here?" "Oh, what a tragedy, someone in their family died." "What? Who died?" My heart tightened. "The man died, only in his forties, oh." "How could this happen?" "Oh, you don't know, they had an only daughter, who was studying at a prestigious university in Beijing, but she was expelled last year. Last month, she gave birth to a child, only seventeen or eighteen, not even married yet. A couple of days ago, she ran away again, and her father was so anxious and angry that he left. Oh, what a tragedy, what a tragedy." I don't know how I got back to Beijing. I wanted some peace and quiet, alone, to go to the house in Zhichun Lane. This was the first time I'd returned since Min died. Looking at the dusty room, I opened the wardrobe; Min's backpack was still inside. The past rushed back. I felt a pang of pain in my heart, but then there was a knock on the door. I calmed myself down and opened the door; it was my neighbor across the street. "I heard the door open and guessed you might be back, and it's true. A few days ago, a girl with a child came looking for you a few times. I told her you hadn't been back for a long time, and she asked me to give you this letter." "Thank you for your trouble." I took the letter and saw the neighbor off.

"Brother Guang, hello. I've come looking for you several times, but you're never home. The neighbors say you haven't been back for a long time, and they don't know when you'll be back. I even asked people to look for you at the school, but they said you weren't in Beijing. Where are you? I ran away from home because my parents can't stand our child. I can tolerate how they treat me, but I can't let our child suffer. Brother Guang, you're a father now. We have a beautiful son, born on February 21st. He looks a lot like you, especially his eyes. When he looks at me, I always think it's you looking at me. Because of time and other circumstances, I can't take a picture for you. I wanted you to see our son in person, but now it seems that's impossible. I have to leave so my parents won't come to Beijing. If possible, I hope to see you again, and see you with my son. Don't worry, I'll take good care of the child. Don't worry. Ting 3/17/1996 (By the way, our son's name is Chen Siguang, I named him.)" Looking at this letter, I didn't know whether to be happy or not. I'm a father now, I have a son, shouldn't I be happy? But should he have come into this world? Am I worthy of being a father? Can a child without a father, wandering with his mother, be happy? I don't know, my head is throbbing.

I should be sent to the world without Buddha, the world with Buddha, and the world of the five defilements. If in those worlds there are those who commit the five heinous crimes, destroy the true Dharma, slander the saints, and even sever all roots of goodness; if there are those who study the ?rāvaka, Pratyekabuddha, and Mahāyāna, break all precepts and fall into great sins; if they burn away their good intentions and lose their good paths; if they fall into the vast swamp of birth and death; if they walk all evil paths and traverse the mountain of sin; if there are hundreds of millions of such beings, each one of them will manifest as a Buddha and preach the Dharma to them in a single day. - The Lotus Sutra of Compassion. I don't know if there is a Buddha who can enlighten me and absolve me of all my sins. I seem to hear someone saying, "Your sins are heavy; you will enter Avici Hell and suffer immeasurable torment." If possible, I would offer my body to serve the Buddha and atone for the suffering I have brought to others. Unfortunately, this is impossible. Back at school, the department is looking for me because one of my papers, a paper I wrote while helping a professor with an experiment, was published in a national academic journal. This is the first time in over twenty years that my school has published such a paper. The department feels very proud, taking photos, giving me awards, and awarding me bonuses. Friends, classmates, acquaintances, and strangers alike came to congratulate me, but Xiao Xiao wasn't among them. Thinking back, a year ago, I was the school's darling; just over six months ago, I was universally disliked; and now, I'm back to being the center of attention. Yet, I felt nothing. Leaving the bustling crowd, I walked quietly through the night streets of Beijing, without any particular destination. Facing me was Xiao Xiao, and a tall young man; Xiao Xiao was holding flowers. Before they found me, I quickly turned onto another road... When everyone left me, you advised me to wait patiently and accompany me through the longest winter of my life, so tolerant. When everyone clung to me, you told me to be quiet and composed,

as if knowing that I had a restless heart that was easily agitated.

I finally let hundreds of hands wave in front of me.

I finally had hundreds of enthusiastic smiles.

I finally deeply moved the crowd.

But I forgot to tell you that you have always been in my heart.

Ah, I finally lost you in the crowded crowd.

I finally lost you when I felt honored for the first time in my life.

I finally lost you in the crowded crowd.

I finally lost you when I felt honored for the first time in my life.

When the applause around me surged like a tide,

I saw tears of sadness glistening in your eyes

- I finally lost you. Zhao Chuan

When Will the Moon Be Bright (22) Let Go

I don't know why things are changing so frequently, so uncontrollable, so unpredictable. I had been living a peaceful life for a while, studying hard at school, striving for excellence. My relationship with Wenrou was relatively happy, or rather, quite happy. I've been through so much, and I cherish this peaceful life. I spend every weekend with her, and she tries her best to be gentle and ladylike. Perhaps we'll have a future together. I've once again forcibly removed Xiaoxiao from my heart. But lately, Wenrou has become somewhat restless. She likes to play, likes shopping, likes to dance, while I don't like these things. I'm a bit lazy, but I still try my best to accompany her, without showing any impatience or dissatisfaction. Falling in love is easy, but living together is hard. Wenrou and I get along quite well; we're both considerate of each other, almost never arguing, and there's a sense of mutual respect. However, this feeling is somewhat ethereal, and I feel tired, like living in the clouds, unable to touch the ground. But lately, I've been busy helping my teacher with experiments, and for two or three weeks I haven't been able to go out with her or contact her much. It was a typical May weekend, the weather was lovely. I wasn't doing my experiments, so I went to Wenrou's house again. No one was home when I opened the door. I poured myself a glass of water and watched TV alone, from cartoons to goodbye. Wenrou didn't come back. I called her cell phone, but it was at home. I just quickly washed up and went to sleep. The next morning, I got up. She still wasn't home. I leisurely made myself breakfast. Perhaps I wasn't fully awake, my hands were clumsy, and while cutting an apple to make juice, I accidentally cut my hand. I looked everywhere for tape, but couldn't find it. However, in the bottom drawer of her vanity, I found a whole box of condoms. I'd never used such things before, because I'm never promiscuous, and I don't like the feeling of not being able to get what I wanted. Thinking about her past experiences, I didn't dwell on it. I assumed it was left over from that time and didn't pay much attention. However, I carefully put it back, trying to repair the traces of my alteration. All morning, I didn't completely ignore it. I was just thinking about whether she was really suitable to be my wife. This was a question I'd been pondering recently because she'd mentioned it. But I still couldn't be sure of my feelings. The key was whether I could truly forget everything about her past, and whether my parents could accept such a daughter-in-law. Wenrou didn't come home or call all weekend. I was a little worried, but I knew absolutely nothing about her friends. I realized I'd never been involved in her circle, and I didn't know why.

On Monday, after class, I rushed back to Wenrou's house. Opening the door, I saw clothes scattered on the sofa. I quietly went into the bedroom; Wenrou was fast asleep. I closed the door, went out to buy some groceries, and came back to cook. Around 7 pm, I finished cooking and waited for Wenrou. I heard a sound from the bedroom; I knew she was awake. Sure enough, she ran out barefoot and rushed into the bathroom. When she came out, she screamed in fright because I was waiting for her by the door. "Ah Guang, when did you get here? You scared me to death!" "What are you afraid of? Get dressed and let's eat." We sat down at the table and ate in silence. Rou Rou seemed to have something to say, but didn't speak, and I had nothing to say either. After dinner, we watched TV together, chatted about random things, just like always. Around 10 o'clock, I told her I had to go back, and she seemed a little uneasy. "Ah Guang, do you think I did something wrong?" "You didn't do anything wrong?" I felt a little strange. "Then why are you leaving?" "Oh, I see. I have an experiment tomorrow morning, so I wanted to go back." "Really?" "Really, don't overthink it. I'm leaving." I didn't want her to overthink, but I overthought it myself. Why was she a little panicked? For some reason, the box of condoms suddenly flashed through my mind. "Impossible, she wouldn't betray me." I encouraged myself for her and for myself. For the next two weeks, I was busy and didn't go to Rou Rou's place. She was very unhappy, but I really didn't have time. June, scorching June. I went to Zhongguancun alone to buy reagents, pedaling my bicycle like an old ox under the blazing sun. In the distance, Wenrou and a middle-aged man, arm in arm, got into a taxi. It was her; the dress she wore was the one I bought. All afternoon, I'd been thinking about whether to continue. I still couldn't be sure if I loved her. Perhaps I just pitied her, felt sorry for her, loved her? I couldn't be sure. But I didn't want to make a hasty decision; after all, we'd been through so much together, relying on each other. I went to Wenrou's house before finishing my experiment; no one was home. I picked up her pager from the sofa; she often forgot things at home. There were many messages inside, some quite cheesy. I knew she wasn't innocent. I went into the bedroom, opened the vanity drawer, and found the hidden box of condoms already opened. I understood; it was over. A feeling of freedom suddenly welled up inside me. Being with her, I felt, would bring pressure. Many people knew about her scandalous reputation; her madness was unbearable. And, most importantly, she couldn't have children for my family. I was an only child!

That evening, I left first and then called her to say I was coming over. She hesitated for a moment, but was still very happy. We ate and danced together, going out very late before going home. She was still very excited; she gets excited whenever she dances. Humming a little tune, she went into the bathroom and pulled me in too. One last time, I was very gentle. I kissed her face, her breasts, every inch of her skin, except her lips. I held the showerhead, turning the water flow wide, the droplets attacking her like bullets; I knew she liked that. I moved downwards, focusing on her clitoris, her thick pubic hair pressed tightly against her body by the water, swaying with the flow. I parted her thick labia with my fingers; her clitoris, helplessly washed by the water, swelled wildly. Her soft body had gone limp, pressed tightly against the wall, supported by me. Water occasionally rushed into the valley between her labia, water flowing out intermittently, making it impossible to tell whether it came from her or the showerhead. I pounded into her like that for a long time until she was completely limp on top of me. I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, her arms clinging tightly to my neck. I placed her on the bed and licked her face, eyes, and breasts, avoiding her lips. I licked her soft, white breasts, sucking on her already erect nipples and biting her nipples with my teeth. She began to moan. My fingers explored her genitals, my middle finger stroking a hidden clitoris inside, my thumb kneading her already enormous clitoris. I felt the intense spasms inside her. I withdrew my wet fingers and wiped them clean with a tissue. She was already in a daze, her eyes tightly closed, her body still occasionally twitching. I got up, took the already opened box of condoms from the vanity, and put them on my already proudly erect penis for the first time. They were a little cool, tight, and not very comfortable. I spread her legs, making them spread wide, and thrust myself into her. She groaned, opened her eyes, and stared at me blankly. I thrust violently, but the added barrier made it difficult to feel properly. It took me a long time to reach my climax, and she, too, reached her peak repeatedly. We lay exhausted on the bed, and after what seemed like an eternity, I pushed her away from my arms, washed myself, and got dressed. "Rou Rou, let's break up." I said calmly. "What? What did you say?" "Let's break up." "No, A-Guang, I don't want to. If I did something wrong, tell me. I don't want to break up." "Why bother? We can't be together anyway." "No, we're already together, and I love you. You said you loved me too, you love me!" She lunged at me, hugging me tightly, making it hard for me to breathe. I managed to push her away with great effort, said nothing, and tossed her the opened box of condoms… May all evil friends be kept at bay, may all heretics be subdued, may all afflictions be liberated.

When Will the Moon Be Bright (23) My Pursuit

Not long after leaving Wenrou, I went to Jinan for an internship. In this way, I got rid of Wenrou and never saw her again. Later, I heard that she had married and moved to the United States. Life in Jinan was fulfilling. I was busy with work and study every day. I truly realized the lack of my knowledge, which made me even more eager to pursue further studies. I once took some time to go to Mount Tai with my classmates to watch the sunrise. Standing on the peak, I finally understood what it meant to "stand on the summit and see the sunrise."

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