[Original] Memoirs of Youth (Long Article)

page views:1 Publication date:2023-06-12 08:02:19

For months, I've wanted to share my story, but I was always too busy and kept putting it off. These past few days have been relatively quiet, so I thought I'd write something and reminisce about my youth. This post probably won't be very passionate, please forgive me.

I only graduated from university recently, and I'm not like those "experts" in the community who can casually claim to have slept with hundreds of women. I've only had three girlfriends, and the third one is now my wife. Back then, I was so naive. Looking back, I could have had more than ten ambiguous relationships, but I didn't do anything. As the saying goes, "It's better to have sex than not to have sex; even if you take rat poison afterward, it won't help." Even when a female junior hugged me in her pajamas without a bra, I remained unmoved. Thinking back to that time, I was truly a paragon of virtue. Now, I lack both the courage and the desire to do so. A senior told me, "You're still young; you won't be able to be wild until the time comes." I really don't know when that time will come.

I come from the countryside, so I got to use computers quite late, around 2009, when I got a used computer from a relative. Back then, TV stations even reported on pornographic websites, so I went there out of curiosity, knowing they'd definitely been shut down. But I read a lot about sex back then. The first time I saw nude photos on a computer was in my second year of high school; I truly understood what it meant to have my blood pumping. Now, I'm very selective about what I watch; I haven't felt that way in a long time. I'm a pretty precocious person, though. From as far back as I can remember, I had a strange liking for playing with my penis. My scattered memories are from when I was under five; I knew that touching my penis would make it grow bigger and then I'd feel the urge to pee. I don't know if that counts as a special talent, haha. In elementary school, I felt like I wanted to ejaculate in the girl in front of me, but I honestly doubt if I was thinking about peeing on her. Masturbation has been a part of my life since I can remember. Starting in first grade, I would flick my penis every night, seemingly to train it. Back then, my penis was pressed against my lower abdomen, unable to bend at all, and I couldn't pee when erect. In fourth grade, I learned to rub my penis against the bed, bending it down before it was fully erect, otherwise it was really hard to press down. It wasn't until later that I realized this method of masturbation was incorrect, after about seven or eight years.

I was exposed to sexual matters very early in the countryside. Even if you've never seen a straw man, you've probably seen pigs being fucked, breeding pigs. I couldn't understand why they didn't keep it away from children. This left a very deep impression on me, and thinking about it now, it's inexplicably exciting. Maybe that's why I still prefer doggy style to this day. When I was little, all the pig and dog scenes I watched were doggy style, wasn't that the most natural, harmonious way? In fifth grade, I finished reading Ellis's *Sexual Psychology*. Back then, we had quite a few books at home, and I read every book I could get my hands on. I learned that it wasn't just penises that could be called "Red Cloud Immortal Pestle" or vaginas that could be called "Flesh Jade Futon." There are all sorts of sexual fetishes in this world, which is understandable. Those people aren't actually perverted; they see others as they see others, and it's a matter of mutual respect. This is somewhat like Zhuangzi's concept of the equality of all things. Today, we'll talk about my experience, so I won't go into detail now. If you're interested, we can discuss it later.

My first ejaculation was in the afternoon of my second year of junior high. To everyone's disappointment, although I started learning early, I was always a good boy, and I lost my virginity when I was a sophomore in college. Years later, sitting in front of my computer, I still remember that distant afternoon when I went to shower alone and masturbated. The feeling was strange. Before, I'd always ejaculated dry, feeling like I was going to ejaculate, but nothing came out. That time, I suddenly ejaculated a lot, which startled me. But all the books I'd read before hadn't been wasted, so I wasn't panicked. I felt like I'd grown up, though looking back, that growth felt a bit slow and forced. After I could ejaculate, masturbating while pressing my penis down felt uncomfortable; there was a feeling of holding it back. Now, doing this for a long time can easily cause inflammation or retrograde ejaculation. Back then, I didn't understand; I just knew it was uncomfortable. So, from that time on, I slowly learned to masturbate. In middle school, I masturbated at least three times a day, once in the morning, once at noon, and once in the evening, until my underwear was always hard. However, the side effects were also obvious. This was clearly excessive. I was listless every day, my scrotum was very damp, and my pubic hair was dry and yellowish. This state lasted for three or four years. In my second year of high school, my body really couldn't take it anymore, so I changed it to once or twice a day, and it felt much better. Sometimes, if I don't masturbate for a week, and then I go home on the weekend after school, I masturbate and it feels like I ejaculate a lot, yellowish, and it even gets on my face. I wonder if anyone else has had this experience.

I've talked about a lot of things from my childhood, which you might not be very interested in. Now, let me talk about my romantic history. It wasn't exactly chaotic, but it wasn't exactly clean either; it's all gone now. I mentioned before that I had early romantic awakenings. In sixth grade, I met a girl from another elementary school. Back then, she was just so beautiful—pretty, smart, and a great singer. We happened to be in the same class in middle school, but as I said, I was too well-behaved back then and didn't dare pursue her, so I missed my chance. I liked this girl for four years, silently imagining a chance encounter more than once. Maybe it was just teenage angst. We went to different high schools. After military training, I went to town for some errands, and this time it really was a chance encounter. We brushed past each other, exchanged a few simple pleasantries, and I knew that I had put a period to those four years—disillusionment.

读高中，是花了钱的，这里不得不吐槽自己的初中，在中考前没见过答题卡，完全不会涂卡，做一道涂一道，数学、英语都没做完，真是日了狗，这学校早倒闭早好。因为不是正取生，我有些许自卑，不过一次月考过后，自信就回来了，小试牛刀，超过正取200名。春风得意之余，有班上的妹子看上我了。我是一个胆子大不怕丢人的人，那是也算小有才气，这些年来，我吸引的妹子都是单亲家庭的，也有人告诉我说，我身上有种大哥的感觉，有些更直接说，有种父亲的感觉。我们称她是y吧，因为一些事务总是一起，慢慢的就搭上了话，每天晚上传一传小纸条，换换日记本，那时的感情真是小清新，她的文字，我还有保留，我想我最对不起的就是这个她。一身难负美人恩，大概说的就是这种。那时的感情很纯洁，共同的爱好，聊一本书，都很投机，我从没想过要草她。这种状态持续了几个月，期末考试，成绩崩盘，意料之中。本来有三节自习课写完的作业，因为传纸条，两节课就写完了，心思不在学习上，自然是不进则退。她也是一样了。之后我提出了，不要再这样了，可笑，我们本来就没有在一起过，我从没觉得自己在谈朋友，而又谈何停下。这是第一次伤她的心。高中的时光很快，不知怎么，

同学默认我们还是在一起，她也确实在等我，我陆陆续续的喜欢了几个女同学，一样的原因，学习，没有表露，还是每天撸管，想着要射在自己喜欢的人的身体里。那时候真是耍流氓，后来我和y就是当朋友相处，周末放假有时她也会来我家在县城的房子，家里就只有我们两个人，那时我说要草她，她肯定会同意，甚至她总在暗示我，我就佯装不知。每次都是聊天聊到很晚，依依不舍的送她回家，我还记得那个晚上，她推着车，路灯好圆，我送她送了好远。那段时间，我们自己的定义是朋友。不过身边的人把我们当成情侣罢了。

y读大学，没离开家多远，开学就哭的要死要活的，给我打电话，我安慰她，她给我写信。我读大学，1500公里的地方，我自己倒是没什么感觉，可能我本来就是不是一个恋家的人吧。大学生活好，这句话有两种断句。大一的时候，我们选择不断句，积极参加学生活动，这时隔壁班的一个川妹子，看上了我，每天给我打电话，约我出去玩，我那个时候天天开会，根本没空理她，国庆放假前，她跟我摊牌，我直接告诉她，我喜欢我班上的某个妹子，然后果断的被拉黑，这是大学里的第一个妹子，当然不是最后一个。大一开学上学期是忙碌的，一切一切都是一点点进行，除了感情。大家都有人青涩，有人事故，有一对，开学之后各自甩掉另一半，到现在谈了六七年了，还是很稳定。也有像我这样，每周打电话回家，给兄弟打电话，当然我每周也给y打电话，真心只当朋友。别人在打游戏的时候，我在开会，别人在搞妹子的时候，我还他妈在开会，学生干部不是人干的。大一期末，我和班上一个妹子，表白了，很直接的那种，然后很直接的被拒了。我很苦恼，嗯，当时也很傻比。我和y说这件事，她哭的很伤心，她跟我讲，凭什么我这么珍惜的东西她不要啊。这句话我也记得很清楚。假期也见过面，没发生什么，普通朋友。

大一下学期，又追一个妹子，天天聊天到深夜，她总是和我说，想分手，我以为自己可以上位，后来想想，想和你在一起，怎么会和你说这个呀。再被拒，难受。那时候的自己不懂女人心，又土有中二，也难得有人会喜欢我。不过还真有，有两个一个m,一个x，m是网上认识的，她加的我，一个高三的小妹子，她自己说，自己用筛选，刚好看到了我，x是我去替兄弟班打辩论赛认识的，对面的选手。说起来好笑，那场比赛必输的，我们表现也不好，下面四个评委三个是我兄弟，那什么输。经过激烈的讨论，我们以0.01分优势获胜，他们怕是要气疯了。不过胜利不重要，重要的时候，我认识了x。

分开讲，m我就当是一个小妹妹，鼓励她好好学习，努力来我们学校什么的，我在中部城市，省会的大学，也是他们省最好的大学，当然，她最后没考上。没想到，有一个周末，她来省会点痣，顺便来找我，我带着她在校园了转了转，在学校的湖边，聊着我那时不切实际的理想，鼓励她要来我们学校云云，不知不觉天黑了，我们坐在石凳上，m一直看着我，我也看着她，她突然问我，你接过吻么，我说没有，她就一扑上来跟我舌吻，我大脑都是短路的。这也是我耿耿于怀的初吻没了的事，这件事情之后，关系就变得暧昧了，不过已经天晚了，她要回亲戚那里，就送她上车，那时觉得心里空落落的。第二天，她做了激光之后，又来找我，没人的时候，我们就手拉手，在学校逛，没人的地方，我们疯狂接吻，那天晚上，在公园凉亭，我抱着她，她跨坐在我身上，我疯狂的接吻，手也不老实，一直在尝试这摸她的胸，她一直很写意的抗拒一下，直到我把她胸罩解了，一模，妈的，跟个男的一样，哭笑不得。乳头很小，奶油蛋糕上一个红豆，这个比喻很形象。我又开始解她裤子，这个是真的反抗了，她一直再说，不可以，这里不可以，她穿的短裤，最后我没没成功。不过在我的引导下，她抓着我的鸡巴，摸到

的一瞬间，她像触电一样，缩了回去，，我说不要怕，就握住就好了，于是就变成了我在揉她的胸，她抓着我的鸡巴，我叫她上下套弄，真的好刺激，当时胆子也是大，不知道搞了多久，我射了，弄了她一手，整理好了衣服，送她去车站，回来宿舍才发现，外面的短裤都湿了一大片。不过就这一次，我总觉得是自己被玩了，为什么要把自己交给这么一个才认识没多久的网友。这件事的发生，我心里想的竟然是，我对不起y。于是乎，我也就知道了，我到底喜欢谁。也是因为这件事，我和y在一起，y一直以为初吻牵手都是她，这件事也没和谁说过。所以，后来我就拉黑了m。m找我找了好久，我就是不见面，m高考，去来我们学校，去了东北。后来，我和m还有联系，m说自己那个时候，确实还是处女，那天如果我让她留下，她也会留下，就是会死缠烂打的缠着我，可以日没日的加一。

x是一个很有趣的人，这个有趣是要打引号的，她也是一个让人很头痛的人，你发个通知给她，她都会回你短息，和你聊天。记得最清楚的就是，有一天，她发短信给我，说认识这么久了，我们可以做朋友么，说我什么意思，我们不就是朋友么，她说，你的定义和我的不一样，巴拉巴拉说了一大堆。回忆起来，怎么样也不是要求交往的意思，所以也是当好朋友那么处，我觉得x还不错，周末也经常一起吃饭，一起出去玩，爬山、逛书店什么的，我们也曾因为下雨被困在立交桥下面很久，我们也曾经在湖边晒着太阳谈理想，我大一计算机编程作业还是她给我做的。我尝试着问过她，她说她不想谈男朋友，于是乎大一暑假我和y在一起了，等大二回来学校，x又和我表白，我真是一脸懵逼，这就是有缘无分吧，我把你当朋友，你想给我日，难受。我记得很清楚的是，她约我在操场散步，回来在宿舍楼下，她哭着跟我说，某某，你有没有一个有女朋友的觉悟，你知不知

道我已经准备好了你十八岁的生日礼物。说完就哭着哭着跑开了。我没有去追，我没有身份去追，我那时有女朋友啊。x的心我也伤了，回忆起来，大一下的时光，真的很有恋爱的感觉，仅仅是x的矜持，我的不坚持，就错过了。x还给我讲了一个故事，她在江边想买一个发光的头饰，一直在犹豫，等她下定决心去买的时候，她喜欢的那个已经被买走了。其实我知道，这个玩具和我是一样的。后来，x就没了联系，现在在读研吧，也没什么可以打扰的。

之前说，因为m的事，我下定决心和y在一起，真的很抱歉，和y真的没什么太多的色情的味道，不像我的第二个女朋友z，操场，楼顶，办公室，宿舍，厕所，你能想到的地方我们都搞过。这个是后话了。我回家，要先去y读书的城市，y热情的接待了我，那天她穿的齐比小短裤，我还记得，甚至屁股都露出了一些那种。看得我，心里痒痒的。转了几次车，来到他们学校，学校不大，带我四处转了转，傍晚，我们坐在石凳上，是不是剧情很相似，是的呀，我让y坐在我腿上我抱住她，开始接吻，她并没有抗拒，很配合我，然后就哭了，她说她等这一天很久了，我很感慨，觉得一定不会辜负她，不过后来还是要伤她的心。晚上并没有去开房，我们有一个共同的朋友，他在另外一个大学的电视台工作，我们去了那个学校，然后我晚上就是自己睡在了电视台，真是傻。电视台的猫还是挺可爱的。夏天的蚊子并不能打扰年轻人，我和y一直手拉手，朋友不在的时候，就在疯狂舌吻。这一切，和我在火车上想的一模一样。后来我们一起回我们的小县城，要经过隧道，其实这一切我在回来的火车上，都想好了，过隧道时，我们舌吻，她羞涩地说，我就知道你会这样，我说，我也知道。到了县城各回各家，那个暑假可能是她最开心的时候吧，我经常去找她，都是18、19岁的人了，每次见面就是拥抱，接吻。我去她家的时候，我给我看，她收集的东西和她做的十字

绣，我都兴致缺缺，她问我想干什么，我说你。在那个破旧的小屋里，她羞涩的脱下了上衣，我感觉全世界都亮了，我爱惜的摸着她的乳房，仿佛再摸一只恐龙蛋。我提议要看一看下面，当然被拒绝了。当然我也不能吝啬，我给她看了我的鸡巴，她羞的不敢看，也不敢碰，我循循善诱，很快她就会给我撸了。后来他爸爸就回来了，我们就出去吃饭了。

Y once wrote a long confession to me on the confession wall at our school, which indirectly led to most of the people who knew me knowing about it, thus cutting off my other options. That summer passed quickly, but our relationship was strongly opposed by my family. They brainwashed me every day for half a year, and I gave up again. I was such a jerk. On

October 1st, the first day of my sophomore year, Y insisted on coming to my city to see me. Generally speaking, relationships where the girl takes the initiative to visit the boy don't last. It's more likely when the boy visits the girl. I advised her not to come, but she insisted, saying that when you're young, some things you don't do, you'll never have the chance to do again. She probably also felt that it couldn't last. Anyway, she came to my city on October 1st. We had agreed beforehand that I would book a hotel room and I would stay in my dorm. Everyone knows that's just empty talk. We spent the day at nearby attractions, and at night we cuddled and slept together. On the first night, she kept urging me to leave quickly. I said I was worried about her going alone, and she said she was even more worried about me staying. But I still stayed, pinned her to the bed, and kissed her, making her incredibly shy. She went to take a shower, and there was a small detail: she didn't close the door, intentionally. But I didn't go in; I didn't think it would last long, and I didn't want to take her virginity. After she came out, she stubbornly denied that she had deliberately left the door open. I knew her little tricks. Back in high school, when she came to my house, she deliberately left behind a diary entry about how much she liked me, and I "kindly" reminded her to take it. So, being a virgin is something you do for a reason.

I also took a shower and went to bed, holding Y, kissing her and touching her breasts. She resisted briefly but then started enjoying it. I teased her by rolling over and pinning her down. Actually, she wasn't that scared. She told me she

was on her period and had deliberately chosen this time to come. I wasn't disappointed at all. I kept grabbing and kneading her breasts with both hands, one hand on Y's vulva, whispering sweet nothings, kissing her, sometimes blowing in her ear. Y shyly burrowed under the covers and wouldn't come out. I said, "Don't worry, I'm not an animal." Yes, I'm not an animal, but I'm even worse than an animal—I wouldn't even take advantage of someone offering themselves up. While resting in Y's arms, she told me, "I feel so safe and secure in your arms. Even if the world ends right now, I won't have any regrets." She told me she wanted to come to my city for graduate school and how much she missed me. Although we couldn't have sex, we touched each other every day, which was so exciting that I ejaculated on her neck and forgot to wipe it off. The next day, my classmate asked me what that was, since it was dry and sticky. I made up an excuse. We spent the day wandering around. Later, after Y's period ended, she told me we could have sex, but with one condition: no condoms, and I had to ejaculate inside her. She didn't want her first time to be hindered; she wanted to have my child, and even if I abandoned her later, she would raise it herself. This heartfelt confession successfully scared me; I was too scared to have sex with her. I suggested 69, but she refused, saying that was better than just having sex. However, she still gave me oral sex; it was my first time, and then I had to run to the bathroom to vomit. If you ask me if I enjoyed it, well, physically, it wasn't that great, since it was her first time too, and the teeth were very sensitive. But psychologically, it was incredibly satisfying. Watching the girl, nestled between my legs, diligently swallowing and releasing, all for your pleasure, was an immense joy. I asked Y, "Why are you willing? Don't you think it's dirty?"

Y said, "I love everything about you, and I want to make you happy. It's a surprise for me." After a few days of practice, Y was quite skilled. But it was time to part ways. The holiday ended, and I saw Y off at the station. Back then, train station regulations weren't very strict; you could buy a ticket to see her off all the way to the train. As I saw her off, through the window, she gave me a big hug. I forced a smile, turned away, suppressing the turmoil in my heart, and exited the station by myself. In the exit passage, the train whistle sounded, and I could no longer control my tears. I cried all the way back to my dorm. Usually, like most long-distance couples, we called each other every day. Y was an artsy young woman, and every day she would tell me what books she had read and hoped I would read them too. My studies were really heavy, and I wanted to play League of Legends with my roommates

every day ; I didn't have time to read. To my shame, after graduating from university, I could see my library attendance records in the online system. My freshman year records were more than all the subsequent years combined. Gradually, phone calls turned into checking up on her. She didn't know my life, and I didn't know about her social circle. But Y was quite happy; she said hearing my voice made her happy. Actually, I felt the same way. Back then, I didn't even react much to porn, but hearing Y's voice would make my little brother involuntarily salute. During our relationship, not only X confessed to me, but two other female students also confessed. Some might say that this is like having two SIM cards on one phone, but I was still very naive back then. How could I dare to do that? If we weren't meant to be, let it go. I really missed her then, especially when studying or hanging out. Seeing everyone else in pairs while my group of friends were all in groups made me feel really bad. I would talk to Y about it, and she always said she would come to my city for graduate school. But could she wait that long?

After a long internal struggle and constant brainwashing from my family, we broke up during the winter break of my sophomore year. I was the one who initiated the breakup, and Y cut off her long hair, saying, "My long hair bound your heart, but your heart is no longer here." I was such a jerk, and I feel like the person I wronged the most is Y. Because of demolition compensation, Y's family had nowhere to live in our hometown, so she came home with me during the winter break. My family's attitude towards Y was basically that she should be my friend, not my girlfriend. They treated her warmly, but behind her back, they kept telling me that Y couldn't be my girlfriend. They talked about her family's financial situation, her health, and so on. Many times, it was just the two of us at home. I would sometimes put Y on the bed fully clothed and pretend to have sex with her, and she seemed to like it. Whenever no one was around, I would take off my pants, and Y would give me oral sex, as submissive as a kitten. This went on for about two weeks. She was going home for the Chinese New Year. The last time, Y was going home tomorrow. I stood there, and Y knelt on the bed giving me oral sex. She did it for a long time. When I ejaculated, I thrust inside, ejaculating all of it into her mouth. But she didn't spit it out. I asked her why she didn't, and Y said, "I swallowed it all. I like your taste." Yes, no girl would ever do this for me again. My wife also disliked me ejaculating in her mouth. Afterwards, I wanted to do it a second time.

After the New Year, I dumped Y. Although I was very sad and cried for months, I still broke up with her decisively. At that time, I was also very selfish. I wanted a girlfriend to be by my side on the university campus, and I didn't want to suffer the pain of unrequited love. I thought about how much my family opposed it, and I didn't want to hold Y back from her prime. I thought…

no matter how much I thought, the result was the same. I called Y and unilaterally broke up with her. Y cried very sadly and asked me to meet her, saying she wanted me to spend one more time with her. I went. She took me to the bookstore and water bar we used to frequent. She led me around our high school, telling me all sorts of stories about me—the first time she saw me, the first time she noticed me, how he had been waiting for me, and so on. At the high school gate, she said to me, "This is the last time I'll kiss you. I hope you remember it, and I wish you happiness." Then she ran away crying. I felt terrible, but I didn't chase after her. I was determined; I had to end it. Actually, my contact with Y continued for many years.

Let me end with a poem Y gave me, "Yu Meiren"—it's kind of a way of saying where I am. " After

a long separation, we meet again, like a dream. Looking west to the Cloud Pavilion on Yuelu Mountain, I listen to the west wind on the banks of the Xiang River.
The autumn moon is cold, how can I bear to walk? Time is always merciless. The Xiang River flows north with you, through countless mountains and rivers.

" (This text was provided by a visitor with the registered account 【燕赵**】)

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[Original] Memoirs of Youth (Long Article)

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