Soul-breaking Yellow River

page views:1 Publication date:2023-06-12 04:07:55

On both banks of the surging Yellow River, the Loess Plateau stands silent, like a group of statues of Chinese farmers who have remained silent for thousands of years, allowing the Mother River to carve away chunks of flesh from them year after year. I wander through the mountains and rivers of China like a bard, absorbing the spirit and vitality of heaven and earth, while gathering seeds of poetry and song.
Having traveled across much of China, I deeply felt that the landscapes of the south were too delicate, only suitable for sightseeing. The sound of the Li River was as moving as the folk songs of Liu Sanjie, but it was just like Liu Sanjie, a village girl. But when I actually sat in a small boat on the Yellow River amidst its waves, I clearly heard countless voices shouting in the midst of its mighty roar.
This cry has echoed from ancient times to the present day, from the roar of Pangu when he created the world, to the joyous song of Shennong when he harvested the first grain of rice; from the labor chants of Yu the Great when he controlled the floods, to the lamentations of countless corpses at the foot of the Great Wall; from Su Qin's alliances and Zhang Yi's counter-alliances; from the songs of praise at Qin Shi Huang's coronation, to the thunderclap on that stormy night in Dazexiang; from Liu Bang's "The Great Wind," to Cao Cao's short song; from Fu Jian's lofty ambitions, to the earth-shaking drums of the An Lushan Rebellion; from Zong Ze's three cries to cross the river in grief, to the trampling of the Mongol army's iron hooves; from the nursery rhyme "When the King of Chuang comes, there will be no taxes," to the barbaric declaration "Keep your head, lose your hair; keep your hair, lose your head." And the gunfire of the Xinhai Revolution, the artillery bombardment of the Northern Expedition, the howls of the Japanese devils, and the howling wind and neighing horses in the green fields of the mountains along the Yellow River.
Sailing on the Yellow River, I often feel as if I am sailing on the long river of history, going upstream. Five thousand years of songs have been deposited in the thick silt at the bottom of the river, and the boatmen with bronze skin roar out the stories of this nation's great joys and sorrows with the roughest voices.
This is my sixth time on the Yellow River. Each time, the same man rows my boat—an elderly boatman in his seventies, and this time was no exception. The crisscrossing wrinkles on his face are reminiscent of Luo Zhongli's oil painting "Father," bearing the unique imprint of the Chinese nation; his rough skin tightly clenchs the bulging muscles of his arms. His small boat is dilapidated, yet it gives one a strange sense of security; even in the most turbulent waves, you can confidently entrust your life to him.
The small boat travels upstream, the river roars, and the mountains are majestic. Gazing at the endless Loess Plateau on both banks, I feel as if the ancestors of the Chinese nation have transformed into this plateau, looking down at me, and a sense of awe for history and time arises spontaneously.
As the boat approached the gorge, the current became swift and the spray flew everywhere. The old boatman gripped the oars tightly, and the small boat, despite repeated impacts, stubbornly pushed against the current, avoiding the rocks and shallows, demonstrating its unwavering will to resist the tide. The river water crashed against the side of the boat, shattering, and was blown onto my face by the wind; it was cool, carrying the smell of water and earth. Yellow River, Mother River, could this be the taste of mother's milk?
A long shout from Mengkeli echoed through the gloomy sky, reverberating across the river and valley:
"Climb a high mountain—look out over the plains, and I see my second sister—in the river bend. The Yellow River flows—to the East Sea. I miss my sister—but I can't reach her."
I looked up and followed the sound. A figure in an old sheepskin coat disappeared behind a withered tree atop the cliff with several goats, while his song lingered on. By then, the small boat had passed the gorge, and before us lay a wide, calm expanse of water.
"It sounds so beautiful," I said softly.
As if he had heard my words, the unknown shepherd cracked his whip with a sharp crack, and the sound echoed throughout the world. Then, he started singing another song from somewhere out of sight, and the old boatman who was rowing at the stern responded with a song.
The lyrics they sang this time were entirely in the local dialect, which I only half understood. I could only feel that the melody was mournful and soaring, filled with endless sorrow. The two of them took turns singing, like two lone geese circling and wrestling in the air, battling the wind and clouds, finally flying higher and higher and farther, until the shepherd's song disappeared into the distance, vanishing without a trace.
We traveled in silence until we were almost at our destination. The old boatman, who had been silently punting the boat the whole time, invited me to his home. He said that old people often have vivid premonitions, and he sensed that the next time I came to the Yellow River, he might be gone. I had been to the Yellow River six times, and each time he had ferried me across – it was a kind of destiny. Before parting, I wanted to visit him, have a drink, and make the most of our years of acquaintance.
"Seventy-three, eighty-four, even if the King of Hell doesn't call you, you'll go on your own," he said calmly.
This suits me perfectly. The folk song I just heard blended the styles of Xintianyou and "Hua'er," something I'd never heard before. Subconsciously, I imagined myself as an ancient official collecting poems—a romantic profession that required going to every possible place to gather artistic treasures. But I'm not a bee spreading pollen; I'm just a butterfly sucking up pollen, and insatiably so.
As the boat docked, dusk was approaching. In the distance, a sparse cluster of lights could be seen—that was the village. The old boatman moored the boat in a bend in the river, and we jumped ashore, trudging along the wet, muddy country path towards the lights. The rugged mountain path often created a strong illusion; the lights seemed so close, yet we could never quite reach them. After more than half an hour, we entered the village. By then, the black sky had completely enveloped the earth. A dog, smelling strangers, barked incessantly behind a high courtyard wall, prompting all the dogs in the village to bark.
When we passed by the village's general store, the old boatman bought some wine, peanuts, and half a pound of pig's head meat. He said he wanted to have a good drink with me. Although I couldn't hold my liquor, refusing at this moment would be an insult to my host, so I had no choice but to bite the bullet and pretend to be generous and reluctantly agree.
The old boatman's home consisted of two dilapidated tile-roofed houses. The mud-brick courtyard wall, weathered by years of wind and rain, had collapsed in half, with a large pile of earth leaning against it. The yard was cluttered with belongings. His wife had died years ago, and he had no children, yet the house was remarkably tidy, unlike the mess and filth typically found in the homes of bachelors.
The old boatman drank a ladle of cold water, then beckoned me to sit on the kang (heated brick bed). He brought out an old, red-lacquered square table and placed it on the kang. He took out bowls and chopsticks, chopped up the pig's head meat, and put it in two large, rough porcelain bowls along with peanuts. He placed them on the table and filled two other bowls with wine. He sat cross-legged on the kang, raised his bowl, and said, "Brother, we've known each other on the Yellow River for so many years. I know you're no ordinary man. Let's finish this bowl first, and then we can talk slowly."
I raised my bowl and said, "Brother, you think highly of me. If I don't do it, I'll be disrespecting you. I'll risk my life to drink with you to the very end!"
These words were exactly what he wanted to hear. He gave a thumbs up and said, "Okay, I'll drink it first!" He tilted his head back and gulped down the bowl of wine.
As soon as I put the bowl to my lips, a strong smell of alcohol hit my head, making me want to vomit. I gritted my teeth and poured the bowl of wine down my throat. It felt like a line of fire was burning my esophagus and stomach. I choked and coughed loudly. I still managed to drink the whole bowl of wine. A moment later, my whole body felt hot and energized.
I wiped away the tears and snot I had coughed up, only to see the old boatman sitting opposite me, smiling and saying, "Brother, I've been rowing this Yellow River for decades, and I've seen all sorts of people. There's no such thing as someone who can't drink; it's just a matter of whether they dare to drink. Only those who have the guts to drink can be considered courageous. That bowl of wine I just drank was to test your guts. If you didn't finish it, I wouldn't consider you my friend today. I can tell you're a real man. The rest is up to you; I won't force you."
In the blink of an eye, both bowls were refilled with wine. I ate a few bites of food, and the effects of the alcohol kicked in, making me a little dizzy. Fueled by the alcohol, I began to recount my years of wandering, the customs and traditions of different places, and my own experiences: fighting in Xinjiang, herding sheep in Inner Mongolia, swindling in Beijing, being detained in Shanghai, and even smuggling heroin at the border. Under the influence of alcohol, my memories were remarkably clear; those events from years ago seemed vividly before my eyes. The old boatman listened as he drank, occasionally adding his own anecdotes, which I found captivating.
酒过三巡，一瓶酒已经见了底，老船工拧开另一瓶酒的盖子。这时我正好说起我少年时跟随木匠师父走南闯北的日子，借着酒劲，我拍拍放酒菜的暗红色红漆方桌，说：“老哥，别怪兄弟说实话，你家里真是没什么值钱的东西，就这桌子算是不赖，木料，做工，还有这漆，没一样活不是好手艺。我跟你说，这做木匠跟做厨子一样，越是简单的东西，越是见真功夫。做这桌子的人手上少说也有十几年的道行，我师父要在当年，也不见得能做出这么一张来。”
老船工嘿嘿一笑，说道：“算叫你说对了，就是天底下最好的木匠，给他这么一块木料，他也不见得能给我做的出来。你猜这桌子是谁做的？”
我醉眼朦胧地问：“谁做的？”
“我做的。”
“吹吧你老哥，要有这手艺你还在这里撑船？早发了。”
“不信？”老船工喝了口酒，道：“我确实没木工手艺，不过这桌子也确实是我做的。”
“真的么？”我向前凑了凑，道：“跟我说说你怎么做的？”
他却沉默了，脸上消失了笑容，端起酒碗来，一口一口地抿着。半晌，他叹了口气，把喝空的酒碗放下，重又斟满，端起来，说道：“老弟，你要真想知道的话，就跟我把这碗酒干了。”
我隐隐感觉到这张桌子背后似乎有什么不寻常，于是强撑着灌下了一碗酒，奇怪反而清醒了许多。只听他叹道：“五十多年……我一条腿已经进了棺材，还有什么看不开的？告诉了你，我心里还能痛快一点。”
于是我听到了下面这个故事。老船工浓重的方言口音，使我不得不用自己的语言把这个故事复述出来。而每打一个字，我的手都一阵颤抖。
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“七十六年前，我出生在黄河岸边一个小村庄里，当然，不是这里，我的老家离这里很远很远，远得你无法想像。”
“我的家离黄河很近，黄河奔腾的咆哮声是我童年的摇篮曲。父亲是远近闻名的船工，我是他的独子。在多年风口浪尖的生涯中，他曾经在鬼门关前走过不止一回，他舍不得我再去撑船，甚至不许我上他的船，看一看，摸一摸。因此我没有像通常的人家那样子承父业，而是从六岁开始就下地干活，十五岁那年，我已经是地里的一把好手。”
“十五岁是一个很奇怪的年龄，人们管这时候的后生叫半大小子，意思明摆在那里，就是半个大人。这时候的人对一切都开始有所了解，却又不太明白，对什么都好奇。比如性，比如女人和男人。”
“第一次遗精后的那天早晨，我没精打采地去地里干活，坐在田坎上休息的时候，和我的地紧挨着的殷老四过来和我借火抽旱烟。他比我要大三岁，早已成亲，几个月前刚刚抱上了儿子，平时我们关系不错，于是我惶惑不安地把早晨起来时发现的异状告诉了他。他听了以后哈哈大笑，然后在袅袅的青烟中，告诉了我有关做一个真正男人的一切。”
“那一刻我的震惊是无法形容的，原来在道德和贞节背后隐藏的世界，竟然是这个样子，这世界上竟然还有这样的事情，这样美妙，能令人失去理智和一切思想。”
“我开始回忆昨晚梦中的一切，是的，那感觉是如此的让人感到心旷神怡，我只觉得血液在周身飞速流动。阴茎不由自主地暴胀起来，从裤裆中凸起，倔强地想要撑破束缚它的粗布裤子。殷老四发现了我的异常，笑着用烟袋锅在我的阴茎杆上敲了一敲，起身走了。”
“我一个人在地头上坐到黄昏，这才慢慢地扛着锄头回到家。娘正在准备晚饭，看见我一副魂不守舍的样子，追问我出了什么事，我含糊地应付过去，伸开手脚躺在炕上休息。”
“娘踮着小脚，在地上忙里忙外。时值夏日，被汗水浸湿的衣衫清晰地勾勒出她饱满乳房的轮廓，随着她的行走而微微颤动。看着她略带臃肿的腰肢和臀部在裤子的包裹下扭动，我突然间第一次意识到她不仅仅是我娘，她更是个女人。她的身体在一瞬间突然变得有一种很强的吸引力，让我的视线长时间停留在她身上不愿移开。”
“我想起白天老四对我说的那些事情，想起无数个夜里听到的奇怪的声音，难道，她和我爹在黑暗中也做这样的事情吗？我抑制不住地想像着那黑暗中所发生的一切。”
“这个问题很快有了答案。晚上草草吃罢饭，穷人家点不起灯，只好早睡。一席炕，睡了三个人。我躺在炕上，翻来覆去睡不着，感觉自己仿佛是在等待着什么，却又不知道到底等待着什么。时间渐渐地过去，我开始迷迷糊糊地犯困，头脑中一片混沌，慢慢向梦中沉去。”
“忽然，我听到爹小声地说了一句话：‘宝娃睡着了没？’我一个激灵，清醒了过来，忙装着打鼾。”
“‘睡着了，都打起呼噜了。’说话的是娘。爹‘哦’了一声，过了片刻，黑暗中发出轻微的骚动声，仿佛老鼠在窜动。爹的呼吸陡然间变得粗重起来。”
“‘省点力，明天还要干活。’娘对爹说，忽然听她哼了一声，轻轻喘息起来。”
“我睁开眼睛，微弱的月光从窗户纸透进来，看见两个模糊的人影在黑暗中交叠，翻滚，在墙上投下蓝色的影子。我甚至能分辨出娘在下边，爹在上边，结实有力的胳膊按着娘，一只手抓在娘的胸脯上，仿佛揉面一样揉着一团东西。娘的身体像蛇一样缠在爹身上，腿不知羞耻地大张开，把里面那块肥田暴露给外面的天，爹在那块地上耕作着，每一次落锄都深深地刨进去。”
“骚动的声音越来越大，两个人的呼吸也越来越急。娘抑制不住地低叫出声来：‘亲哥哥…亲汉子……日得妹妹好受活……妹妹不活了……要死了……’”
“爹喘着粗气，弄出的动静能把房顶掀开，我竟然清晰地听到了皮肉相碰的啪啪声！娘拚命憋着嗓子，喉咙中发出哭一般的声音，‘呀……呀……哥哥……捏我这里……给我揉一揉……亲哥哥…好哥哥……给妹妹揉一揉……呀……啊…大棒子捅死妹妹了……捅……往里捅……呀……呀……’”
“我快要疯掉了：这是我娘！这是我的亲娘！这是从我那平时几乎不和村里其他男人说话的亲娘嘴里说出来的！这么骚，这么浪，这么不要脸！白天在地头上热血沸腾的感觉又一次回到了身上，阴茎从兜裆布里跳出来，胀得难受。我用手握住它，发现它比平时大了许多，粗了许多，硬了许多，而且热得烫手。”
“不知是一种什么力量驱使着，我下意识地捋了几下，顿时从未有过的感觉从龟头上传来，像锥子一样直冲上我头顶，猛烈地撞击着我的心脏，我一下子疯狂地套动起来。是的，这就是昨晚梦里的感觉，像小鸟般在天空自由飞翔驰骋，又仿佛浸在一条流淌着热水的河里随波逐流，这就是我在等待的！”
“爹弄得更狠了，娘连话都说不出来，只是断断续续地哼哼着怪叫，腿在炕上乱蹬，踢飞了破棉被。爹把棉被团成一团，垫在娘的腰下面，把娘肥白的屁股垫得老高，一只手从双腿之间伸进去，娘想用手推开，‘不要……不要抠那里…脏……’爹甩开她的手，固执地伸进那个地方。突然她一声尖叫，穿透房顶的瓦片，直透出外面的夜空，再不顾及我听见听不见。”
“她放开声音嚎叫起来，像一条发情的母狗，腿抬起来，脚底冲着天，胳膊抱着爹的脖子。爹像打桩一样用自己的阳具狠狠地砸进她的身体里，喉咙咯咯作响。我套弄着自己的阴茎，手上也加快了，头晕晕的，整个人像在梦里，但又分明地知道这不是梦。我想停下，手却不听使唤，反而越弄越快，仿佛一驾没了车夫的大车，正在朝悬崖狂奔，终于不可阻止地掉下了悬崖。”
“崩溃的时刻来到了，一股巨大的快感浪潮袭来，将我彻底地淹没了，睾丸一阵颤动，我哆嗦了一下，精液从身体里汹涌喷出，喷得满被窝都是黏糊糊的一片。”
“就在这时，忽然爹闷吼一声，娘不顾一切地叫喊起来：‘别抽出来……等等我……’爹尽力继续下去，终于，没过多久，娘也弄好了。两个人抱在一起，僵直着。黑暗中响起牙齿咬在一起的咯咯声。慢慢地，他们瘫软了下去。娘从身下抽出被子来，把两个人严严实实地盖好。”
“高潮过后是疲倦，最初的兴奋浪潮过去后，头脑便沉浸在浓浓的睡意中。我浑身无力，在被窝里合上眼躺着，才发觉已经出了一身汗。正要睡去，忽然听见娘跟爹说话的声音。”
“‘哥，你的身子可是大不如从前了。你白天撑船累，咱以后晚上就少日几次，你身子骨要紧。’”
“‘花，我不怕，我就怕你熬不住。三十如狼四十如虎五十坐地能吸土。你这会比以前更想要得厉害，我能眼睁睁看着你受苦吗？’”
“‘我受点苦怕啥。你一个人在外面风里雨里，受的苦才大呢。咱俩跑出来这么多年，吃了多少苦才撑出这么一个家，你要是身子有个什么……我可怎么活呀。唉。那天要不是我非缠着你弄让爹看见，爹也不会活活气死了……’娘呜咽起来。”
“‘别哭，花，别哭。那事不怨你，怨我，是我先强迫你的，二十年了，你咋还想不开？我是个大牲口，亲哥哥日了亲妹子，哪家的爹不得气死。都过去二十多年了，咱俩也快到地底下见爹娘了，到时候该下油锅还是拔舌头我都替你担着。睡吧，别想了。’”
“‘不行，该我替你担着，那天是趁爹娘不在，我故意换了好衣服勾引你让你日，亲妹子勾引亲哥哥，我比潘金莲还不要脸。哥，你可千万得保重身子骨，等要下去的时候我先下去，跟阎王求情……’娘的声音嘎然而止，像是爹用手捂住了她的嘴。”
“‘别说这个了，睡吧，日子还长着哩，宝娃还没娶媳妇，咱要走也得等看见孙子再走，行不？’”
“娘没说话，可能是点了点头。屋里安静了下来，不一会便响起了爹均匀的鼾声，中间夹着娘的鼻息，一起一落，仿佛夫唱妇随。”
“我久久没有回过神来，他们的对答中透露出的东西让我直到天色发白才从震惊中清醒过来：我的爹娘，他们竟然是亲兄妹！”
“这个事实给我的冲击不亚于第一次知道男女之事的时候。我的爹娘，他们竟然是一对乱伦的兄妹，而我，则是乱伦的产物！我再也没有睡着，第二天整整一天，我都像梦游一样。下地干活的时候，干着干着就会停下来拄着锄头愣在那里，想着夜里发生的一切，想着娘和爹的话：‘亲哥哥日了亲妹子’，‘亲妹子勾引亲哥哥。’”
“接下来的几天，天天如此。我无法接受这个事实，爹娘在我眼中仿佛陌生了许多，他们不再是从前的严父慈母，而像是一对奸夫淫妇，满脑子都是他们晚上纠缠在一起的模糊的裸体。尽管他们和从前没什么两样，但他们的言行举止在我眼中却变得说不出的异样。”
“每天的睡觉时间仍然很早，我却睡着的越来越晚，等着偷听爹和娘的又一次激情，当然，不是天天都能听到，但每听到一次就异常的兴奋，手淫时的快感比平时强烈许多，我不知道为什么，或许是我作为乱伦的产物天生就对乱伦的行为有敏锐的共鸣和认同感。”
“我开始注意娘的一举一动。娘的身材像所有这个年纪的女人一样丰满，尤其是奶子和屁股，她干活和走路时引起的每一次奶子和屁股的颤动都会给我带来视觉上的刺激。我脑海中常常浮现出这样的画面：娘脱光了衣服，一身雪白的肉耀眼地在我眼前晃扭着她的丰乳肥臀。”
“很快，娘感觉到了我的异状——由于长期的紧张和睡眠不足导致的精神恍惚，脸色发黑。也许她已经猜到我听到了他们的房事，却不知道我听到了更隐秘的东西。她开始和爹商量该给我娶个媳妇了。”
“那年秋天收罢了秋，爹娘就开始给我张罗说亲。媒婆信誓旦旦地在炕沿上拍胸脯说包在她身上，可穷人家的媳妇哪有那么好说！跑遍了十里八乡之后，终于在快入冬的时候，说成了一家愿把姑娘嫁过来，是三十里外的一个村子的，那姑娘人长得不坏，也能干活，而且最重要的是没要太多的彩礼。喝过订婚酒后，商定过年的时候办喜事。”
“自那以后，天气是一天冷过一天，黄河上了冻，爹也不能出去撑船了，就和娘在家里筹备我的婚事。”
“爹撑了二十多年船，多少攒下一点钱，但用来办婚事，仍然捉襟见肘，爹只得东拼西凑地借钱，为了借一点钱要跑几十里的路。即便如此，到过了腊八的时候，仍然还有一笔钱没有着落，而这笔钱是无论如何也弄不出来了，爹急得愁白了几十根头发，为了这笔钱焦虑不安，四处奔波，但结果是四处碰壁。”
“有一天他出去之后，整整一夜没回来。我和娘放心不下，生怕他出了什么事，跟着整整一夜没敢合眼，坐在炕上等着爹。到天明的时候他回来了，蓬头垢面，眼圈发黑，却满脸喜色。娘迎上去，给他拍打衣服上的尘土，关切地问他这一夜去什么地方了，爹从怀里哆哆嗦嗦摸出一个布包来，一层层打开，等掀开最后一层的时候，我和娘的眼前陡然一亮。”
“‘大洋！’娘惊叫一声。不错，爹手里的布包里包着的正是一块银晃晃的大洋。‘他爹，你从哪儿弄来的？’娘急切地问道，‘你没干什么伤天害理的事吧！’”
“爹得意地把大洋重新包好，递到娘的手里，抑制不住心里的喜悦，说道：‘你想哪儿去了，咱再穷也不能伤天害理的事，这钱你知道怎么来的吗？是我在乔老大他们家赢来的，一夜，一块大洋，一块大洋啊！’娘捧着那块大洋，手不停地颤抖着。”
“乔老大是有名的二流子，他家里是个赌窝，每天都有许多赌徒在那里彻夜狂赌，一夜间输掉身家的不在少数。常常有人输得押房子押地押老婆。我没想到一向朴实勤劳的爹竟然也会去下赌场，而且竟然会赢钱。”
“娘的脸上却没有多少喜色，把钱收好后，对爹说：‘他爹，咱实在弄不到钱，就和那边说说，我看他们也是明事理的人，不至于太过为难咱们。这乔老大家，还是别去了，万一输了，那……’”
“爹一摆手打断她的话头，说道：‘我看准了，输不了，咱家穷归穷，娶媳妇这面子不能丢。’娘还想说什么，爹却已经进里屋炕上倒头睡下了。”
“连着几夜，爹都是在天明时兴冲冲地带着一身的疲倦回来，怀里的布包带着一块或两块大洋。愁苦的神色从他脸上一扫而空，每天兴奋地和娘数着还差多少，还有几天就能凑齐，仿佛生活陡然间变得无比美好，那种幸福的表情是我在过去十五年中从未见过的。”
“但第七天早晨，爹回来的时候冻得嘴唇发紫，一进门就冲到灶前蹲下哆哆嗦嗦地烤着火，身上的老羊皮袄不知道到什么地方去了。娘赶紧给灶里添柴，又抱来一床被子给爹围上，过了好半天，爹才缓过劲来。”
“‘他爹，你怎么了？你的皮袄呢？’娘焦急地问。”
“‘输了…’爹喝了半瓢热水后沮丧地吐出这两个字，便再也不说话了。”
“爹暖和过来后便倒在炕上，整整睡了一天，娘叫他吃饭他也不吃，到了太阳下山的时候，爹从炕上爬起来，沉着脸往怀里揣了两块冷馍，便又要出门。娘在门口拦住他，‘他爹，别去了，钱我看够了，耍钱赢来的钱留不长，哪能天天赢呢。’
“我也跟着娘拦住爹，说道：‘爹，明个我去跟兰草家说说，让他们宽限宽限……’一句话没完，爹吼道：‘你个小兔崽子懂个屁！’伸手把我推开往门外就走，娘上前拽住他一只胳膊，被他一下甩到一边，一个踉跄跌倒在我怀里，爹头也不回地出了大门，消失在茫茫夜色中。”
“我抱着娘，娘的头靠在我结实的胸膛上，我第一次产生了一种男人对女人天生的保护欲望，虽然这个女人是我娘，但她首先是个女人。这欲望让我只想就这样抱着她，让她靠着我，时间越久越好。她一言不发，只是怔怔地看着门外，眼泪从她眼眶中渐渐漫出来，爬满了她的脸。天色终于全黑，我扶着娘进了屋，娘呆呆坐在炕上，无论我怎么劝，她只是不说话。”
“十五年了，她的哥哥，她的丈夫从来没有舍得打她一下，骂她一句，可以想见她这一次受到了多大伤害。我看看娘是劝不过来的了，便想去乔老大家硬把爹拽回来。娘死活不让我去，说：‘让你爹去吧，吃个亏，学个乖，不吃亏的话他永远不回头，这是好事。’”
“那天晚上，爹又输了两块大洋，回来后抢了娘当年从娘家带出来的唯一的首饰、准备给新媳妇的银戒指去换了酒，喝得烂醉如泥。这是我生平第一次见他喝酒。醒来后爹翻箱倒柜找出娘藏起来的大洋又去了赌场。娘原本指望爹能吃了亏得个教训，并没有硬阻拦他，但她错了。”
“爹从此每天回来后的脸色越来越难看，眼睛里的血丝越来越多，脾气也越来越坏。这个曾经虽然穷但却温暖的家在他眼里变得是那么的不顺眼。他开始变得离不开酒，每天总是浑身酒气，喝多了，就撒酒疯，借故和娘吵架，有时甚至动手打娘，酒喝够了就去赌场赌钱。”
“娘把钱藏起来，他就翻箱倒柜地找，把家里弄了个底朝天。实在找不到钱就把家里准备过年时办的年货拿去换了钱赌，越输越赌，越赌越输，最后越输越多。年货被爹变卖得精光，大年夜我和娘两个人只能喝点面筋汤。”
“不只年货，只要值点钱的东西都被爹拿去换酒、换赌本，原本没什么摆设的家里渐渐露出了四面的墙壁。我的婚事自然也因此泡了汤。女方家把聘礼退回来的时候留下话说只要我爹戒赌，一年之内这事情还有回旋的余地。”
“女方的家人刚走，爹就把聘礼拿去换了酒喝，然后又一头扎进了赌场。他输钱的速度越来越快，从以前的每天一块、最多两块大洋发展到每天至少三块。没几天功夫就把攒下和借来的大洋输得干干净净。然后他开始骗所有能骗的人，向他们借钱。由于爹曾经的好名声，最初的时候他还能借到钱，但不久人们就都知道了他赌钱的事情，钱也借不到了，他开始偷鸡摸狗。”
“爹开始很少在家过夜，即使过夜也是呼呼大睡，我再也听不到他和娘欢爱的声音。有月光的夜里我经常听见娘的叹息和低低的啜泣，在炕上辗转反侧难以入睡，第二天起来就看见她肿着眼睛。有时，我能听见娘轻而急促的喘息和呻吟声，在炕那头像老鼠在跑。我有一种冲动想爬过这短短的距离，爬到她的身边，抱着她，安慰她。这种冲动仿佛一把火在灼烤着我，每晚我都要与它抗衡。”
“我和娘陷入了极大的痛苦中。爹输了钱后把娘做出气筒，经常在喝醉后找一件小事把她打一顿，下手之狠仿佛那不是和他做了十几年夫妻的枕边人，而是一个和他有着深仇大恨的仇人。鞋、通条、锹把……抄起什么来就是什么，经常把娘打得死去活来，打完了娘还得给他做饭，如果吃饭的时候没有酒，娘又要挨一顿打。”
“我尽管身强力壮，但毕竟只有十五岁，爹又撑了二十年船，我还是拦不住爹的拳头，只能眼睁睁看着娘受罪，娘挨打时的惨叫，像刀子在剜我的心肺。我恨自己为什么不能再强壮一点，好护住娘。”
“这天我出去借了点米下锅，回来就看见娘躺在炕上呻吟，嘴角流血，疼得直流眼泪，显然是被爹打了。我赶紧放下米，上炕爬到娘身边。刚想说点什么，娘一把把我的手紧紧地抓住了。她是疼得钻心，想找个什么东西握着，这样能在心理上缓解一下疼痛，也许她是无意识的，而对于我，两手相触的那一刻，却仿佛被雷击了一下。”
“我的手一颤，娘呻吟着说：‘让娘握会儿。’突然间，自己日思夜想的女人把自己当做了依靠，一种男人的自豪感和责任感油然而生。我用两只手握着娘的手，仿佛那就是娘的整个身体被我捧在掌心里，用两只手紧紧地保护着，握得越紧，娘就越安全。”
“直到天黑，娘才缓过劲来，松开我的手，吃力地说道：‘宝娃，给娘烧点水，敷一敷，娘身上好疼。’“
“我应了一声，工夫不大便烧开了一锅滚水，盛到木盆里，放在炕前的锅台上。娘让我背过脸去，脱掉了自己的衣服，只剩一个红肚兜。我转过脸来，看见娘近乎半裸的身体和她真实的丰乳肥臀，不由愣了一愣。娘见我直直地看着她，仿佛意识到了什么，脸上一红，忙趴在炕上，让我赶紧给她用手巾热敷。”
“我把毛巾打湿，拧干，敷在娘身上青黑的淤痕上，手无意中碰到了娘的腋下靠近奶子的地方，娘浑身一哆嗦，两腿轻轻摩擦了几下。”
“我注意到了娘的这个反应，毛巾凉了换毛巾的时候，我又故意试了试那个地方，娘身上又是一颤。那里没有伤痕，不可能是疼的，唯一的可能就是娘的身体在长久的饥渴中，已经变得异常敏感。这个发现让我感到一股莫名的兴奋，第三次换毛巾的时候，我借口敷伤，大着胆子解开了娘的肚兜在后背上的带子。娘的头偏了偏，似乎想说什么，最后还是沉默了。”
“娘的后背整个地裸露在我面前，我的手上传来的光滑和异性的刺激感让我的心狂跳不止，胸口一阵酥麻。娘的身体也在我手下变得热了起来，不仅仅是因为敷了热毛巾。我抑制住自己想进一步动作的冲动，用热毛巾给娘敷完了伤痕，系好肚兜，清理了一下后，便吹灯睡觉了。这一夜，我和娘都没睡好，从娘那边不时传来轻声的，长长的叹息。”
“我的心理，娘不知感觉到没有，但自那天后她便常常让我给她热敷，时间也越来越长。从后背，到胳膊，到大腿。娘虽然仍然挨打，但却不再像从前那样以泪洗面。”
“爹的酒瘾和赌瘾越来越大。有时他能赢点钱回来，但更多的时候则是输。为了还赌债和酒债，爹几乎变卖光了家里所有的东西，到了这年三月，家里已经是家徒四壁。这时黄河已经解冻，爹却没有一点要去撑船挣钱的意思，也没有和我下地积肥翻地为春耕做准备，仍然在赌博和酒中挣扎。”
“这天晚上，我下地回来，刚进院子就听见娘的哭喊声，我心叫不好，放下锄冲进屋里，只见爹肩上扛着一袋玉米面，往外要走，娘在后面死死拉住他，哭道：‘你把粮卖了，咱们吃什么呀，哥！’”
“听到这一声哥，爹的身子一震，多少往事涌上心头，停住了脚步，我乘机上去把玉米面抢下来，放回原处，站到娘的身边。爹脸上的肌肉抽搐着，一瞬间闪过无数表情，我望着他的脸：黑瘦，疲倦，苍老，满脸的皱纹，胡子拉茬，眼窝凹陷，我突然觉得和这个人的距离很远很远，仿佛这不是我爹，而是个我从不认识的陌生人。”
“爹在那里站了有一会儿，忽然一跺脚，重重叹出一口气，冲到炕前扯过仅剩的一床棉被，卷成卷夹在胳膊底下向外走去。我大吃一惊，上前拦住他，说：‘爹，你把被子卖了，晚上让我们娘儿俩怎么睡。’”
“爹一瞪眼，说：‘又不是十冬腊月，要被子干啥？让开！’”
“我急了，说：‘爹，你别再赌了，咱好好过日子，你撑船我种地，好好养活我娘。咱家已经成这样了，你再赌，咱一家老小可真没法活了。’”
“爹火更大了，吼道：‘你个妨主货，成天妨着我，老子赢不了，回来就打死你这小王八羔子。’说着就朝外硬冲，我上前扯住他的胳膊往回拉，爹反手一拳打在我脸上，我头脑一阵晕眩，积压已久的怒火顿时爆发出来，照着爹的肚子就是一脚，爹一个踉跄，险些摔倒，叫骂着扔掉棉被，扑上来跟我撕打起来。”
“娘惊叫一声，冲到我们两人中间想把我们拉开。但一个女人的力气，想要分开打红了眼的两个男人，简直是做梦。她这样做的结果是混乱中爹一拳打在她的下巴上，她一声没吭晕倒在地。”
“我吓了一跳，松开爹去看娘的伤势，爹趁机在我背上踹了一脚，把我踹倒在娘身边，卷起地上的被子一溜烟跑出了家门。”
“我顾不上去追赶爹，忍着痛把娘抱到炕上，给她灌了碗热水，又掐她的人中。爹抢走了被子，我只好把一件破衣服盖在她身上。过了不久，娘‘嗯～’的一声，吐出一口气，身体一动，睁开了眼睛。我抬起她的头，把破瓷碗放到她嘴边，让她喝水。”
“娘摇摇头，把碗推开，吹灭了油灯，黑暗中她说：‘睡吧。’”
“我躺在冰冷的炕上，没有褥子的破席片毫不留情地吸走我身体中的每一丝热量。我想起那床棉被，它散发出一股陈年的霉味，这不是因为我娘懒得拆洗，而是它根本不能拆洗，只要一下水，就必然糟烂。它虽然破旧，虽然霉烂，但它毕竟是床棉被。”
“倒春寒的半夜，我把所有的衣服都盖在身上，抱成一团，在破屋四面八方漏进来的寒风中哆嗦着。几次睡着了，几次冻醒。我甚至能听见自己牙齿格格作响的声音。”
“这屋子里并不只有我自己的牙齿响声，我清楚地听到了从炕的那一头传来的牙齿声，娘也冷，也睡不着。在牙齿的敲击声中，还夹杂着低低的啜泣，那不仅仅是因为冷。娘的哭声猫爪子一样把我的心抓成一条一条，让我心烦意乱得想把自己的胸膛撕开。我不想再听娘哭下去，因为那样我的心会真的碎掉，我掀掉身上的衣服，向炕那边的黑暗中爬去。”
“‘宝娃，你没睡么？’娘听到这边的响动，停下了哭泣。”
“‘娘，你是不是冷？’我答非所问。”
“‘娘不冷，你快睡吧，明天还得下地去。’”
“‘娘，我往你这儿凑凑，我怕你着凉。我年轻，火力壮，咱俩挤挤就不冷了。’我一面说着，一面已经爬过了半片炕，把枕头放到娘的枕头旁边躺下，一股温暖的女人体香扑面而来。娘往旁边移了移，停止了啜泣，把身上的衣服给我多盖了几件，娘的体温透过衣服传到我身上，身上顿时有了热气。这热气激起了我的睡意，翻涌上来，不知不觉迷迷糊糊睡着了。”
“过了不知多久，我仿佛觉得怀里有什么东西一拱一拱的，蓦然惊觉，睁眼四周仍然一片黑暗。怀里的感觉却越发真切了。软软的，暖暖的一个身子，拱在我怀里，还在不停地往紧凑！”
“我猛然意识到我是在自家的炕上，那这个身子，肯定就是我娘！可以判断得出，她把所有的衣服都给我盖，自己却冻得要命，又冷又困，意识已经模糊，感觉到身边有个身上热热的活人，便本能地凑过来，想取暖，而根本忘记了这是她的儿子。”
“我的心突地一跳，刹那间脑中转过无数念头，要不要提醒她？那样的话这个软软暖暖的身体就要从我怀中离开。不，绝对不能。我该做的是再抱紧一点。我伸出一只胳膊，把娘的身子往自己怀里又搂紧了些。但令我没想到的是，娘竟然也伸出一只胳膊，抱住了我！”
“仿佛一石激起千重浪，我的心理防线顿时崩溃了。娘在我怀里轻轻地呼吸着，身子在我怀里蠕动，如同一块温香暖玉。‘哥，哥。’娘梦呓般地嘟哝着，我知道她是把我当成了我爹。我几乎就要坚持不住，将错就错，和娘成了这番好事。但内心深处，似乎总有一丝理智在告诉我，不能这样做。”
“它对我大声喊道：‘如果你以你爹的身份和你娘做了事，那她清醒以后一定会后悔，而让她不后悔的唯一办法，就是让她清醒地意识到她是在和你成就好事！因为如果清醒的时候她和你做事，说明她是真的把你，自己的儿子当做一个男人来爱的！’是的，我也是一个男人，为什么要用另一个男人的名义让自己喜欢的女人得到快乐？”
“我下定了决心，推了推怀里的娘：‘娘，娘，你醒醒，我是宝娃。娘，你醒醒。’娘似乎已经神志不清，我推了半天，她才渐渐清醒了过来，猛然意识到自己是和儿子在炕上紧紧抱在一起，娘身体一哆嗦，伸手就想把我推开。但我的胳膊却把她越搂越紧，她温暖丰满的肉体让我的血液加速流动，对寒冷已经浑然不觉，下体由于紧贴着她的身体而迅速勃起，强硬地顶在她的小腹下面。”
“娘有些惊慌，想把我抱着她的那支胳膊推开，一面推我，一面说道：‘宝娃，放开娘。’”
“我拨开她的手，把头凑到她的耳边，尽量调匀了自己的呼吸，颤抖着说：‘娘，天冷，我抱着你，暖和。’”
“娘喘息着，说道：‘我不冷，你放开。’”
“我说道：‘娘，你冷，我知道你冷，爹不在，你想找个人抱着你，这才暖和。’说着，把一只手从她的衣服下面伸了进去。”
“娘一下子挣扎起来，惊叫道：‘娃，我是你娘啊。’”
“‘我爹是你哥哥。’话一出口我就后悔了，但已经来不及了。娘一颤，停止了挣扎，我也停止了自己的动作。屋子里顿时一片难耐的死寂。”
“半晌，娘开口打破了沉默，她颤抖着问道：‘这话……是……谁……谁跟你说的？’”
“‘是你。’我说道，‘娘，你半夜和爹说的话，让我听见了。’”
“娘又沉默了。我说道：‘娘，我知道你想要汉子来抱你，摸你……’”
“‘胡说！’娘打断我的话头，刚要再说什么，我抢先说道：‘娘，你别再骗自个了，如果你不想要人抱你，你会半夜偷偷叹气？你以为我不知道你为啥老让我给你热敷？’”
“娘一时语塞，怕是被我说中了。我继续说道：‘娘，我是你儿子，可你已经和自己的哥哥成过了亲，还怕再这么来一回？爹成了那个样子，他打你骂你，早就不把你当亲婆娘看，他不是你二十多年前的那个哥哥了。现在，你儿子想疼你，想爱你，你难道看不出来吗？跟自己的哥哥好和跟自己儿子好有啥不一样？娘，我不做你儿子，我要做你的汉子。我知道你也想。’说着，我壮着胆子把嘴凑过去，在她脸上亲了一口。”
“出乎我的意料，娘并没有反抗，我接着说道：‘娘，你不也说爹身子不行了？你自己一个人，也不能这么遭罪。你早就不怕了，我正好能帮爹分着担点。娘，你说你是不是在自个骗自个？你明明早就想要了，是不是？’”
“娘没有说话，却又开始低低地啜泣。我也没敢再进一步动作，就这样抱着娘，但娘也没再从我怀里往外挣。”
“就这样抱了一会，忽然一阵大风从外面刮过，顿时屋里寒气逼人，娘的身体动了动，我立刻感觉到她是在向我怀里动，我一愣，只听怀里的娘说道：‘宝娃，娘冷，娘和宝娃抱在一块，暖和。’”
“我过了大约几秒钟，才明白了这句话的意思，一股狂喜陡然涌上我心头，竟然手足无措。娘急促地喘息起来，身子在我怀中变得火热。”
“黑暗中，凭着本能我准确无误地找到了娘的嘴。抱住娘的头，把自己的嘴哆哆嗦嗦凑上去，娘嘴里呼出的气好香好香。我的嘴先是碰到了她的鼻子，顺着向下，找到了她的嘴。四片湿润的嘴唇一相碰，便牢牢粘在一起，娘的舌头像小蛇一样，从两排牙齿中间穿过来，绞住我的舌头，在口腔里翻滚，津液顺着舌头送过来，汩汩地灌下我的喉咙。”
“我翻身把娘压在身下，一只手摸索着去解她的衣服。手指过处，棉袄解开了，中衣解开了，汗衫也解开了，只剩下一块肚兜挡着，娘自己解下来，把它扔到一边。”
“我趴在娘的胸脯上，贪婪地呼吸着她的体味，一手一个，抓着娘的大白奶子，叼着娘的奶头，软软的，嫩嫩的，想使劲咬一口，整个咬下来在嘴里嚼，我真的张开嘴在娘的奶子上啃起来，口水流了她满胸，娘哼唧哼唧地叫。”
“我起身把自己的上衣脱光，露出一身结实的肌肉，伏在娘身上。两个人的肉一碰，都是一颤，挨在一起，恨不得融进彼此的身子里。软的贴着硬的，滑的贴着糙的，大力的贴着温柔的。”
“‘娘，你爱让男人揉，我揉你！’我的声音已经哑了。我就揉起来，手死死攥着娘的奶子，肉从指缝中溢出来。那两团肉像水一样四处乱窜，我的手总是滑脱，再抓住，重新揉起来，手里的热气传到心里。”
“娘小声呻吟着，腿夹紧了，来回摩擦，手却伸进了我的裤子，不知怎么，就解开了我的红裤带，把裤子一扒到底。怒涨的龙头跳出来，仿佛嘶吼一声，正想要寻找可供进攻的对手，被一只冰凉的小手轻轻一握，就驯服地享受起小手的抚摩。仿佛是烧热的油中溅进了水，我的全身炸了开来，浑身的力量集中到一点上，却找不到发泄的通道。”
“我哆哆嗦嗦，去解娘的裤子，却怎么也解不开她裤带上的结，娘一只手伸来，灵巧的几下，就打开了最后的一道屏障。女人的裤带总是系的很紧，但有时也会很松。”
“娘的裤子也很松，因为不止我扒，她自己也在扒，很轻易地就扒到了膝盖下面。一股看不到的力量指引着我，摸到了一个地方，那里山高，那里水长，那里的小草无比柔嫩茂密，娘的水流得炕席上到处都是。娘的逼比她的奶子还肥，包成一条细缝，鼓鼓地胀起来。我的东西在娘的手里就要涨破，娘引着它，把它引到泉眼上。”
“‘快……快拿大棒子捅娘……’娘颤着声喊。”
“但棒子太大，往里捅了几次，都捅不进去，‘娘受不了了，快捅…捅…’娘痛苦地喊着，蹬掉了脚踝上的裤子，把两条腿朝天张开，张大到不能再大的地步，还是进不去。我用手去掰娘的穴，摸了一手的水，滑得根本没处下手，却揪断了娘的几根毛毛，娘的穴肉一颤，缝又开得宽了。”
“我有了主意，把棒子头凑上去，把娘的腿架在肩上，手里揉着娘的奶子，一只手捏住娘的毛毛，趁娘不注意，突然死命一揪，娘嗷的一声，疼得奶子抖起来，骂道：‘王八犊子揪你娘逼……’没等她一句话说完，我已经趁着张开的那一瞬间，用尽全身力气冲了进去，不管身下的人怎么样，我是一定要进去的。”
“‘嗷！’娘凄声惨呼，几乎要哭出来，身子一阵乱扭。我狠住心，腰往前拱，把外面没进去的半截棒子慢慢全推了进去，直到卵蛋顶住娘的穴肉。娘的里面滑溜溜的满是水，紧紧把我包住，仿佛有股力在往里面吸。”
“我顶住娘，却不知道下边该怎么办，这时娘忍着疼，扶着我的屁股上下动了几下，我猛然明白了什么，腰不由自主地前后动起来，带着棒子在娘的穴里一进一出，我控制不了自己的身体，越干越快。娘在我身下疯狂地嚎叫着，胡言乱语。两腿在炕席上挣扎着乱蹬一气。”
“我的整个身体都好像飞了起来，娘就是我脚下的祥云，托着我向上飘。我和娘一丝不挂地抱在一起，在从无数缝隙中漏进来的寒风中升入属于我们自己的天堂。春寒料峭，我们赤裸的身体却火热，滚满汗珠，互相冲击，互相融合。最后我们忘记了自己还有身体，只觉得所有的意识都被从某个地方传来的快感所包围，像在滚水中游泳的鱼。”
“当一切到达顶峰的时候，我的头脑一片空白，只听到娘撕心裂腑地喊道：‘日死我了！’我的下体就被一片大水淹没，刚刚找回的腰一阵抽搐，从身体内部就喷发出汹涌的浪头，鞭子一样狠狠抽在我的每一根神经上，把我打得昏了过去。”
“醒来时天色已经大亮，我睁开眼睛，看见身上已经整齐地穿好了衣服。昨夜刮了一夜的风，此刻窗外却是干净的蓝天，阳光明媚，甚至还能听到麻雀和啄木鸟的声音。我一翻身，看见了正在炕边锅台上做饭的娘，她正揭开锅盖看水滚了没有。氤氲的白气中，我突然发现她的脸从来没有像现在这样美丽，她的身体从来没有像现在这样丰姿绰约，她的神情从来没有像现在这样满足，快乐。”
“‘娘！’我从炕上蹿起来，跳到地上抱住她，娘丢下手里的勺子，和我抱在一起，她的肩膀一耸一耸，伏在我结实宽大的胸前，无声地哭了。不知什么时候，我发现自己也泪流满面。”
“娘在我耳边轻轻说道：‘宝娃，你说的对，娘一直就想让你抱。自从你爹第一次打我，你第一次护我，娘就想让你抱了。’”
“这个世界上，有没有比男女相爱更让人激动的事情？有没有比征服母亲又被母亲征服更让人有成就感的事情？当我终于明白我并不只是被娘的肉体吸引，而是一开始就真的爱着她的时候，我平生第一次有了幸福的感觉。是的，幸福就是能拥着你最爱的人，想多久，就多久。”
“我们就这样拥着，锅里的水就咕嘟咕嘟地滚着，冒出的白气飘满了整个屋子。直到院门吱呀响了，我们才惊觉爹要回来了，匆忙地放开对方整理自己的衣服。”
“爹回来了，带着一身的疲惫，一脸的沮丧，他又输了，这并不出我意外。但他还带回来一张纸，一张契约文书，还有一个人——村头私塾的老秀才，而且他的眼睛里第一次有了愧疚，这却出乎我的意外。”
“而当我明白了契约上写着什么的时候，我扑上前去，狠狠地揍爹，把上来拉架的老秀才推到一边差点碰破头，而爹缩成一团，缩在墙角里，任我拳打脚踢而没有还一下手。直到我打累了，实在没有力气再打下去的时候，爹才带着一身的土，站起来，擦擦嘴角的血，走到娘面前，扑通一声跪下去。”
“‘花，我对不住你……’他哭了，哭的好伤心好伤心。”
“老秀才开始念契约书，念得很慢，很清楚。”
“‘兹有南余县高甲平庄村民白清，自愿将妻室白氏让于同乡王二喜为妻，以抵赌债大洋三十元整，空口无凭，立字为据，一式三份，立约人：白清、王二喜，中人乔占元。’”
“娘怔怔地看着爹，脸上的表情由震惊转成悲哀，从悲哀转成失望，由失望转成迷惑。她实在无法想像十五年的夫妻，当初为了爱情能够共患难的兄妹，这样的感情，竟然最终只值三十块大洋！那顶着世俗压力出逃的爱情，最终只有三十块大洋的价值！她颓然坐倒在炕上，一句话也不说，她和爹的感情，在这一刻已经死亡了。老秀才见情势尴尬，不知什么时候走掉了。”
“老光棍王二喜，五十多岁，吃喝嫖赌五毒俱全，因此没有一个女人愿意嫁给他，包括那些可以搭伙计和串门门的破鞋。他已经上了岁数，一直想找个女人给他留下个一男半女。”
“爹在乔老大的赌场里最终输掉了他所有的一切，我不想再打他，因为他已经不是我那个高大有力的父亲，而只是一个可怜虫。他也不再是娘的汉子，因为他早已没有能力来保护她，照顾她。当昨晚和娘共枕而眠时，我已经在心里把自己当成了娘的汉子，我要保护娘，我不能让王二喜来占有她！想到这里，我扶住娘，说道：‘娘，咱不能坐着等死，趁王二喜还没来，咱们赶紧跑吧！’”
“话音未落，只听外面有人说道：‘跑？跑到哪里去？’说着，几个人已经进了门，为首的正是王二喜。这个老家伙黑瘦黑瘦的，尖嘴猴腮，是个无赖的主儿，任谁惹上他，他必会没完没了地折腾到对方彻底完蛋为止。他冲爹一拱手，道：‘白清兄弟，不是老哥哥心急，实在是怕夜长梦多，我打算把这事今天就办了，人我都带来了。你看行不行？’”
“爹猥猥琐琐地陪着笑脸道：‘行，行，咱不是都立了字据了吗，你说咋办就咋办。’”
“王二喜道：”那我就让人去准备了。“一挥手，身后一个人上来，把一个木托盘放在炕上，揭开蒙布一看，竟然是一套红嫁衣和几件首饰。”
“王二喜走到娘面前，我挡上去，道：‘别碰我娘。’”
“老光棍嘿嘿奸笑几声，道：‘娃子，后晌还叫你去喝喜酒哩。’”
“我冷冷道：‘我不喝。’”
“老光棍不再理我，对着娘道：‘妹子，哥可对你是一片好心，跟了哥哥，省得在这穷家遭罪。你就把这家什穿戴起来，后晌哥哥拿轿子来接你。’说完，他给带来的那几个人使了个眼色，那些人便开始七手八脚地收拾起屋子来，一个六十多岁的老婆子坐到炕上，给娘喋喋不休地讲起这桩喜事的好处，娘坐在炕上低着头不说话。王二喜看了我一眼，转身出去了。”
“我感到一阵浓重的悲哀：这世上有多少孩子能亲眼看着自己的母亲出嫁？刚刚还汉子气十足，此刻却只觉得丝毫无能为力。屋子很快收拾好了，窗纸上贴满了喜字，那些人却不走，我知道他们是怕娘跑了，我一个人打不倒他们这么多人。但我也绝不能让王二喜占有我娘，因为她是属于我的！”
“后晌的时候，娘似乎终于被他们说动了，换上了红嫁衣坐在炕上。爹早已跑到了王二喜家等酒喝。虽然是改嫁，却弄得像大姑娘出阁，几个婆子给娘打扮好了没多大工夫，外面吹鼓手的喇叭就响了起来，娘盖好盖头，静静地坐着等王二喜来迎亲。”
“王二喜换了一身旧黑绸衫，胸前披红挂花，骑着匹大青骡子来到了我家门口，脸上喜气洋洋，婆子们架着我娘出了门，上了红顶小轿。王二喜看见我，奸笑道：‘娃子，跟你娘去喝酒吧。’我冷笑一声，不去理他。”
"The musicians carried the sedan chair to the Wang family's house with their music, and I followed them there. Four tables of food and drink had already been set up in the Wang family's dilapidated courtyard. At the master of ceremonies' shouts, my mother and Wang Erxi finished their wedding ceremony and were led to the bridal chamber. Wang Erxi came out to drink with the guests. I only drank a few sips before turning my cup down. At another table, my father drank happily, completely unconcerned about the ridicule he received for being a tortoise. As long as there was wine to drink, he didn't care about anything else. In just four months, a hardworking and honest boatman had become a good-for-nothing who only knew how to drink."
"The drinking continued until the sun was setting. I didn't stay to join the wedding night festivities; I couldn't. I wandered around the village like a wolf, listening to the faint sounds of laughter coming from the Wang family's house, thinking about many, many things, recalling many, many things. It wasn't until the night watchman struck the second watch that I returned to the Wang family's wall, by which time the wedding night festivities were also dispersing."
"I hid in the darkness until the last person left the Wang family and Wang Erxi returned to the bridal chamber. Only then did I tiptoe over the courtyard wall and jump into the yard. I reached into my clothes and touched the sharp pig-slaughtering knife, which was now warm from my body heat."
"I reached the window, poked a small hole in the paper window with my finger dipped in saliva, and peered through. Inside the bridal chamber, red candles were lit, and a white jade Guanyin statue, over a foot tall, was enshrined. Large red 'double happiness' characters were pasted on the walls. My mother, dressed in her red wedding gown, sat on the kang (heated brick bed), her face full of sorrow. Seeing Wang Erxi approach, she looked up in alarm and cried out, 'Don't come any closer!'"
Wang Erxi could no longer contain himself and lewdly said, "Sister, I've been thinking about you for more than a day or two. Just do as I say, for the sake of how much I've missed you." With that, he climbed onto the kang (a heated brick bed).
"Mother shrank back into the corner of the kang (heated brick bed), her voice trembling, 'Don't come any closer!' Wang Erxi, burning with lust, quickly stripped off his clothes, revealing his thin, dark body and a long, thick penis. Mother screamed and instinctively turned her face away. Wang Erxi, panting heavily, pounced on her like an animal, grabbing her arm and pulling down her pants. Mother cried, calling my name: 'Baowa! My Baowa!'"
"That sound was like a needle pricking me. Mother, you still consider me your most beloved man! I originally wanted to wait until they were dark before going in to stab Wang Erxi, but the current situation didn't allow me to wait any longer. I couldn't let Mother be bullied in the slightest. I drew my knife, kicked open the two broken wooden doors, and rushed in."
The two people on the kang (a heated brick bed) were startled. They turned around and saw that the mother was so overjoyed that her voice changed: "Baowa, it really is you, my Baowa!"
"Wang Erxi was startled by me and the pig-slaughtering knife in his hand, then gritted his teeth and cursed: 'You bastard, do you want to live?'"
“I cursed, ‘You old slut, I’m here today to cut off your dick head!’ With that, I jumped onto the kang (a heated brick bed) and stabbed Wang Erxi with the knife.”
"I never expected that Wang Erxi was actually a trained fighter, knowing a bit of martial arts. I missed several stabs, and before I knew it, he knocked the knife away. He pounced on me, pinned me to the bed, and gripped my neck tightly, his eyes bloodshot, cursing, 'Want to die? I'll grant your wish today!'"
“I was being strangled so badly I could hardly breathe, and my vision was blurry. I struggled a few times but couldn’t break free. Suddenly, Wang Erxi screamed and loosened his grip. I took the opportunity to grab the knife that had fallen on the kang (a heated brick bed) and plunged it into his left chest. He screamed again, rolled onto the kang, convulsed a few times, and then lay still with his eyes open.”
"I struggled to my feet, only to see my mother holding a blood-stained pair of scissors in her hand. I stared in horror at my own hand. It was the scissors she had just used on Wang Erxi's back that saved me. She had secretly hidden those scissors on her person. If I had come in a moment later, she might have used those scissors to kill herself to preserve her innocence."
"When she saw me get up from the kang, my mother threw down the scissors, rushed into my arms, and cried, 'Baowa, take your mother with you. Wherever you go, your mother will go with you. We will never be separated again.' I hugged my mother. Although we had only been separated for less than half a day, it felt like we had been separated for decades. I never wanted her to leave my side for even a moment again."
I patted my mother's back and said, "Mother, let's go, we must go quickly. We'll take the waterway; I've brought Father's boat to the riverbank."
"Mother wiped away her tears, nodded, and said, 'Mother will listen to you.'"
We got off the kang (heated brick bed), packed up some valuables and belongings, and were about to leave when I suddenly remembered something and said to my mother, "Wait!" My mother was startled, and I said, "We haven't had our wedding ceremony yet!"
"'Wedding ceremony?' Mother was stunned."
“‘Yes, let’s have the wedding ceremony right here. We’ll do it right here, become husband and wife, and be husband and wife for all eternity!’”
"The tears that Mother had already wiped away flowed again. 'May we be husband and wife, mother and child, in every lifetime!'"
“I pulled my mother to kneel before Guanyin. The red candles before Guanyin were still burning, illuminating her kind face. I looked at Guanyin and prayed: ‘Greatly compassionate Guanyin Bodhisattva, I, Bai Bao’er, and my mother, Bai Shi, are now husband and wife. From this day forward, we will never be separated for all eternity. If the Bodhisattva blames me, I, Bai Bao’er, will bear it alone. If the Bodhisattva does not blame me, please bless my husband and me with many children and grandchildren, and that we may enjoy a long and healthy life.’ After saying this, my mother and I kowtowed three times deeply to Guanyin and stood up. My mother rushed into my arms and buried her face in my chest, sobbing softly.”
“‘Baowa,’ my mother called me. I interrupted her and said, ‘Don’t call me Baowa anymore. I’m your husband now, you can’t call me that anymore. From now on, you call me the father of our child, and I’ll call you the mother of our child, okay?’”
"Mother burst into laughter through her tears. I hadn't seen her smile in a long time. Now, dressed in red, her laughter was like that of a peony. The red dress and the red candle made her face glow. Mother laughed and said, 'We don't even have a child yet, what are you calling him "father" and "mother"?'"
I leaned in and kissed her on the lips, whispering, "Aren't you almost pregnant?" This time, my mother's face really turned red, blushing deeply. She turned her face away and pushed me away. I said, "How about this, you can still call me Baowa, but I can't call you Mother anymore. I'll call you by your nickname, Hua'er, okay?" My mother blushed and nodded gently.
"We followed the mountain path by moonlight to the banks of the Yellow River, where the river shimmered with silvery waves. I untied the boat, jumped aboard, and pulled my mother up with me. With a push of the bamboo pole, the small boat left the shore and drifted downstream with the Yellow River. As I gazed at the darkness that had swallowed the mountain village, a nameless sorrow welled up in my heart: Farewell, my hometown."
"I decided to let the boat drift on its own, and wherever it took us, we would settle down. Having made up my mind, I put down the bamboo pole and crawled into the tattered cabin. Mother had already spread out the old sheepskin coat that was already in the cabin, and we lay embracing each other on the boat, listening to the sound of the flowing water beneath. Gradually, I..."

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