My English teacher, my first love

page views:1 Publication date:2023-06-12 03:07:51

I first met Ting on the second day of high school. There was no English class on the first day, and she was our English teacher. Although more than ten years have passed, I still remember her. That day, she wore a light blue dress with a white cardigan over it. Her long, black hair flowed past her shoulders, her bangs swaying gently in the wind. Her large, watery eyes shone with an intellectual light. Her nose was delicate, and her elfin ears tucked her hair back. Her thin lips weren't very red; perhaps they were more pink. Her complexion wasn't very good either; according to traditional Chinese medicine, she was probably anemic. Although her complexion wasn't great, and she wasn't particularly beautiful, her pure, girl-next-door charm was enough to deeply attract eighty percent of the boys in the class—those boys in their adolescence! From then on, English class became the most anticipated event for the boys in our class, even surpassing physical education and basketball leagues. Some students deliberately broke the rules and tried to attract attention to get more of Ting's attention; others would go to the teacher's office to ask questions, their questions as numerous as a "ten thousand whys." As for me, I never thought of using these methods to get close to her or to gain her special attention, because I'm an introverted person and rarely take the initiative to talk to others, especially people I like... Life went on like that, busy and fulfilling yet uneventful. The last day of each school year was usually for announcing exam results, distributing test papers, summarizing, assigning holiday homework, etc., the most relaxed day of the year for teachers and students. On the last day of the second year of high school, Ting was the last teacher to come to our class. After assigning homework, she announced something that no boy in the class wanted to accept: starting next school year, she would no longer be our English teacher, meaning this would be her last time teaching us. The reason was that the school thought Ting was too young and lacked teaching experience, fearing it would affect the English scores of the senior students in the college entrance examination. Seemingly sensing the heavy sadness in the class, the understanding Ting started chatting with us. Many boys seized this last opportunity to ask her many questions that had been suppressed for two years, personal issues, and privacy concerns. Thanks to them, I learned more about Ting through her answers: Ting was only eight years older than us, had a fiancé, and they might get married soon. He was her classmate in university, and they had a good relationship, but they had been arguing a lot lately. That day, although I didn't say a word to her or ask a single question, my gaze remained fixed on her face. I was afraid that if I didn't, I would regret not looking at her for that one minute longer. I knew I liked Ting, but I told myself it could only be a secret crush. What else could I do? After school that day, some of the usually boisterous male classmates teased me, saying they wanted to have lunch with Ting. She declined several times, but finally agreed reluctantly. Everything was over, I thought, and lowered my head to pack my bag. When I looked up at Ting again, our eyes met. I was so surprised that I froze on the spot. Although it was only a moment, it felt like an eternity. Although it was only a moment, my observant deskmate noticed. Who told me to be so lost in thought? I can only blame myself for being too young then, planting a landmine for the future. Ting looked at me, her lips moved as if she wanted to say something, but in the end, she didn't. Several classmates pulled her away, leaving me alone to savor the moment… The intense study life of senior year gradually diminished my feelings for Ting, and my entire focus shifted to my studies. Because my English foundation from junior high was quite good, high school English was effortless. In the four midterm and final exams of my first and second years, I ranked first in the class three times. My new English teacher made me the English class representative. After class, my female deskmate half-jokingly said, "Being the English class representative now is a bit late, what a pity." "What's a pity?" I didn't understand her meaning. She rested her chin on her hand, a half-smile on her face: "It's a pity Ting isn't our English teacher anymore, sigh!" I never expected her to see through my thoughts, and being bad with words, I was speechless for a moment. Yes, if only Ting were still our English teacher! Thinking of this, I couldn't help but feel a little lost and melancholic.

About a month later, during the second period of English class in the afternoon, everyone was dozing off in the classroom, and the ringing bell didn't disturb us. Suddenly, a surprised shout broke the silence. Everyone looked forward, and there was Ting! Ting walked in carrying her books! Everyone was stunned, not knowing what was going on. Ting looked at us silly kids, smiled faintly, and it was clear she was restraining herself, not wanting to show it too obviously. She closed the front door of the classroom, placed the books on the desk, put her hands behind her back, and said with a smile and a firm tone, "Let's begin class!" Surprisingly, no one stood up to respond with "Hello, teacher!" After a few seconds of silence, she told us that the English teacher who was supposed to be there was hospitalized due to high blood pressure, and she was filling in for us. A boy in the back shouted excitedly, and then everyone stood up and said, "Hello, teacher!"... This seemed to be the happiest day for everyone since the start of the senior year a month ago; everyone showed unprecedented engagement and enthusiasm. After class, Ting said, "Please have the class representative go to the office to get the test papers and distribute them to everyone." Then she left. My deskmate murmured, "A good opportunity has come, hurry up, don't just stand there like an idiot." Without thinking too much, I stood up and headed straight for the teachers' office. I knocked, called out "Report!", and went inside. Only Ting was there. I walked towards her, my eyes never meeting hers, only fixed on the test papers on the desk. "Is there something you need?" she asked softly. I hesitated for a moment, then looked up at her and said, "I'm here to get my test papers." She was also taken aback, but quickly a smile bloomed on her face—a smile that started in her eyes. I could tell she was very happy! I suddenly realized she didn't know I was the new English class representative. I sincerely thanked the teacher who chose me; it made Ting so happy and allowed me to interact with her alone. The door rang; the other teachers had returned to their offices, cruelly interrupting me! I had no choice but to take the test papers back to the classroom. After distributing the papers, my deskmate asked, "Why are you back so soon? Shouldn't the class representative chat with the teachers a little longer?" Although her tone was sarcastic, I didn't take it to heart.

高三的第二个学期，晚上放学后还要上晚自习，每天都七点半左右才放学，而北京三月份的晚上还是挺凉的，尤其是下着小雨的晚上。那天是婷监督我们上晚自习，放学后，有一个同学问她关于语法的问题，我把全班的作业本送到教师办公室去，当时办公室里没有人，我看到她桌子上有个看似药盒的东西，就拿起来看，是益母草颗粒，看了说明才知道是女人调理月经的药。还没来得及放下，婷进来了，发现我拿着她的药，赶快跑过来一把抢过去塞在包里，低着头整理桌上的东西，一言不发。我以为她很生气，想解释几句又不知道该说什么，就那样站在那里。气氛实在是太尴尬了，我打算转身离开。她忽然拿起水杯，头也不抬地说：“帮我倒杯热水，谢谢！”总算是打破僵局了，我赶忙接过杯子，三步并作两步朝暖壶走去。再返回来时，她正捂着肚子弯着腰坐在椅子上，看起来很难受的样子。我把水杯放在桌子上，蹲下去抬头看她的脸。她紧闭双眼，脸色惨白。我很心疼，非常心疼，无意识地把手放在她的大腿上，轻轻摇着，“老师，您怎么了？”“肚子疼，肚子疼……”我感觉她似乎快要哭了，但是我除了心疼却无能为力，不知道该为她做些什么，能为她做些什么。我站起来环顾四周，突然她靠过来，头就靠在我的肚子上，非常小声地说：“离我近点，让我靠一会儿。”我既紧张又兴奋，全身肌肉都僵硬了，那是我第一次和异性的身体亲密接触，而且还是我很喜欢的异性！当时我整个人就那样硬在那里，动也不敢动，大气也不敢出，生怕她会移开，姿势难受极了，但心里却激动异常！过了一会儿，她的疼痛似乎减轻了，慢慢站了起来，还是那样轻声地说了声谢谢，然后就开始收拾东西准备回家。我就站在那里回味着，等着她一起离开学校。十几年前的北京，又是三月份的下雨天，晚上走在路上，几乎没有什么行人，来往的车辆也很少。因为她家离学校很近，每天都步行上下班，所以我们就那样在雨中散步，但是谁都没有说话，只是默默走着。我俩只有一把伞，我帮她举着，尽量靠向她那边，自己的左边肩膀都湿了。她发现了，“离近点不就都遮住了吗”。我贴近她才发现她在发抖，应该是很冷，我脱下外套给她披上，她抬头看着我笑了笑说：“还没傻到家啊。”我们都笑了，打破了尴尬，也拉近了距离。她跟我说她身体不太好，一直有点贫血，几乎每个月来例假时都会痛经，可能因为天冷，所以格外疼。随便聊几句就走到她家楼下了，她说除了我，没有别的学生知道她住在哪儿。这对当时的我来说，可以算是一种荣耀，让我引以为傲的自豪感油然而生。

由于所有老师晚自习轮流值班，每隔几天我才有一次送婷回家的机会，当然，对于当时纯洁的我来说，这已经很不错了！随着每次送她回家，我们之间的关系越来越近，感情越来越浓，话题也越来越多。我知道了高二的最后一天，她看着我欲言又止，是想让我跟他们一起去吃午饭。我知道了她跟她未婚夫之间吵架的原因，是她有证据确定她未婚夫有外遇，而他却从不承认更不悔改。我知道了她房间的窗户是哪一个，因为她进房间后总会向楼下的我招手再见。我知道了她从高一就开始关注我，奇怪我为什么从来不问问题，还能经常考第一名。我还知道了她喜欢内向的男孩子，比如，我。

高考结束后的某一天，她请我们班里几个平时关系不错的同学到她家做客，包括我和我的同桌。进屋才知道，她未婚夫出差三天才能回来，让我们放开玩，不用拘束，然后就亲自下厨给我们做饭去了。我的同桌坐在我的旁边，居然给我削了个苹果，递给我说：“没有女孩给你削过苹果吧？”说实话，真的没有。我摇摇头，不知道该不该接过来，侧眼看了看婷，她没有看我们，还在专心做饭。“赏个脸呗？”又是那种讽刺、挖苦的语气，苹果也离我更近了一些。其他几个女同学都在看我到底接不接，碍于面子，我还是接了过来，但是并没有吃。我的同桌似乎生气了，“我喜欢你！两年了，别人都知道了，就你不知道！你是真傻还是装傻？”我愣在当场。我是真的不知道，而且我也不想知道，因为心里已经满了，装不下别的了。“我知道你喜欢别人，也知道你喜欢的是谁，但那可能吗？那是你该喜欢的人吗？”我从心底里知道不应该喜欢婷，因为她有未婚夫，她是我的英语老师，她比我大八岁……但就是没办法不喜欢她。况且我不能让其他同学知道这件事。所以，一句话说得我恼羞成怒：“你知道个屁！该干嘛干嘛去，我喜欢谁你管得着吗？”同桌瞪大了眼睛看着我，没想到我的态度是这样的，拿起包就跑了出去。婷听到声音过来问情况，一个多嘴的同学开玩笑说我们是小两口吵架。轮到婷不高兴了，看着我点了点头，转身又进厨房了。我第一次感觉到了情侣间吵架前的气氛。晚上我跟其他同学一起离开，等她们走后再折返回来。当时也没有想过会发生什么，或者是我想要发生什么，只是想回去跟婷解释，仅此而已。进门后我一下把婷抱在怀里，不知道哪里来的勇气，但就是那么做了。婷把我推开，问“小两口”是什么意思，看得出来，她以为我骗了她，以为我同时和她们两个在玩暧昧。一番解释后，她终于相信我了，我再一次把她抱住，她的头发好香，似乎是刚洗玩澡。我忍不住亲她，她也半推半就地回应我。我把她压倒在客厅的沙发上，疯了一样亲吻她抚摸她解她衬衫的扣子，她也喘着粗气，双颊潮红，闭着眼睛扬起下巴，抱着我的头，任由我亲她的脖子，扯她的胸罩，摸她的乳房。当她被我脱得只剩内裤时，我停下来，想好好看看她的身体，毕竟那时候还没亲眼看过女人的裸体。她被我看得很不好意思，脸红红的，右手捂着胸，左手伸向我，要我别看了，赶快过去抱她。那画面看得我如痴如醉，明白了什么叫“绕指柔”。我用最快的速度脱光所有衣服，像恶狼一样扑过去，含着她的乳头，用力捏着她的屁股，看着雪白屁股上的肉从我手指之间被挤出来又弹回去，越来越兴奋。我吻她的额头，然后沿着她的鼻子、嘴唇、脖子、胸口、乳房、肚脐、小腹、大腿、小腿一路吻下去，她的欲望被我彻底点燃了，一把抓住我的肉棒，分开双腿，拉着我进入她的身体。她的阴道里是那么温暖、润滑！我永远忘不了那种感觉，初次进入她身体的感觉，和她做爱的感觉。我每次都用力顶到底，感觉她的阴道尽头还有个小嘴在亲吻我的龟头（后来知道那是子宫口）。她抱着我不住娇喘、呻吟，刺激我的神经，让我更加感觉像是个征服者，是她的男人，而不是小她八岁的学生。可能是第一次的原因，没有几分钟，我有了射精的冲动，加快了冲刺速度（那时候也不知道还有控制射精一说），她的双手紧紧抱着我，指甲扎后背的疼痛提供了更强烈的刺激，她的头抬起来，紧紧埋入我的胸口，像是要把自己塞进我的胸腔里。终于我射了，一波又一波强烈的快感使我睁不开眼睛。被我压在身下的她捂着嘴，压抑着叫声。十几股处男精射完后，我拿开她捂着嘴的手，怜爱地看着婷。她咬着下嘴唇，头歪向一侧，害羞地躲开我的目光。不能否认，女人的这个模样，任那个男人都必定怦然心动，何况一个初经人事的十八岁少男。我双手捧起她的脸，让她直视我的眼睛，然后生平第一次说出了那三个字“我爱你”。没想到，这三个字让她一下泪流满面，她大声哭喊着，双手捂着脸，身体因哭泣而颤抖着。“为什么你不是那个对的人，为什么我要大你八岁，为什么我是你的老师！”我顿时感到她有多爱我，心里有多纠结多矛盾，心疼、无奈、伤感……各种痛苦涌上心头，不禁悲从中来，和婷抱头痛哭。哭了一会儿，我吻着她的眼睛，她的泪水，紧紧抱着她，问她：“今天晚上我能住在这里吗？”她摸着我的头，“当然了，我不想让你走，不想和你分开，我想永远和你在一起。”说完“永远在一起”，她的嘴角向下撇，又要哭了，因为她也知道，那几乎是不可能的，也许只是个美好的愿望。我赶快把她搂在怀里，轻轻拍着她的后背，但是没有说一个字，因为我不是个轻易许诺的人，假如我认为做不到，是绝不会随便说出口的。也许是太累了，她就在我怀里睡着了。虽然是七月份，我俩满身的汗水，但她依然睡得很沉，我抱着她，就像抱着整个世界，其它的，什么都不重要了。那一夜，我们一共做了五次，在我看来，那才能称之为“做爱”，因为每一次，都不是生理需要，而只是因为爱，纯粹的爱。

Good things never seem to last. After that one time, we never had the chance to make love again. We just went shopping and ate together, not very often. Every time we ate, she would secretly take out some money and put it in my pocket, making sure no one else saw, and then let me pay the bill with her money. She insisted on doing this, using her money because she was earning a salary, while I still relied on my family. Letting me pay was for my sake. Perhaps some friends think this is "what should be done," but is it really "what should be done"? What is "what should be done"? Even between parents and children, there is no such thing as "what should be done"! At least I was very moved, very moved then, and still moved more than ten years later! For her understanding, gentleness, thoughtfulness, and compassion. I really don't understand why some men, with such a woman by their side, still seek other women? Why are some people so ungrateful, squandering their blessings, while others are destined to be just passersby, leaving empty-handed?

After summer vacation, school started again. She had classes during the day, so she only had time in the evenings and couldn't go out often. I, on the other hand, was in college and didn't have as much free time as during the summer. Suddenly, we saw each other much less. I remember it was Christmas Day; we hadn't seen each other for over two weeks and had arranged to go shopping and have dinner together. I took the Yuntong xxx bus from the university gate to our agreed meeting place. I fell asleep on the bus. Back then, neither of us had cell phones, so once we got on the bus, we couldn't reach each other and had to wait at the agreed spot. When I woke up, I realized I had missed my stop and was stuck in traffic in Zhongguancun. It was completely dark (in Beijing, it's dark by 5 PM in December). More than an hour later, I finally arrived at our meeting place. When I saw her, she was standing on the roadside, hugging her shoulders and looking around anxiously. I had just run to her side when she rushed over and started hitting my arm repeatedly. "You worried me to death! You worried me to death, you know! Do you know how worried I was about you? From your school to here, from when you said you were leaving until now, it's only an hour's walk, but you've taken three hours! You worried me to death!" I hugged her tightly, gently patting her back to comfort her, explaining why I was so late, then kissed her forehead, cupped her face, and looked at her carefully, like looking at a priceless treasure. I missed her so much, and I was so moved: a woman I deeply loved had stood waiting for me for two hours in the cold winter, without anger, without complaint, disregarding her own exhaustion and cold, only filled with anxiety and worry, her heart solely for me! Ignoring the stares of passersby, we hugged tightly for a while, then went to eat together. She clung to my arm the whole way, leaning against me like a little bird. To my utter surprise, we ran into my high school deskmate at dinner, with another girl I didn't recognize. She saw us first and came over to say hello. Ting and I were laughing happily when my deskmate suddenly walked over, looking at us with a pained expression, glaring fiercely at Ting. Ting froze, unsure what to say. I tried to ease the tension, standing up to greet her and asking who the girl was, to introduce her to everyone. My deskmate yelled at me, "What's it to you! Go do what you're supposed to do! It's none of your business who my friend is!" I never expected that the same words I'd uttered to her months ago would come back to haunt me. After yelling at me, my deskmate grabbed her friend and ran off. A perfectly good holiday was ruined by her!

A few days later, Ting came to my school, crying, saying we couldn't contact each other anymore. Her fiancé found out about us; a female student had told on us. She cried so bitterly, as if it were a matter of life and death. I didn't know how to comfort her, because at that moment, all words seemed so powerless. I didn't know how to comfort her, because I was probably even more heartbroken than she was! That day, I took her to the bus station. Buses came and went, one after another, but she never left. As darkness fell, she choked back tears, wishing me to find true happiness, hugged me tightly, gave me a deep kiss, turned, got into her car, and drove away.

From that day on, I never saw her again, never contacted her again… Over the past ten years, I've had three more girlfriends, and the relationships were all good, but I always felt something was missing, and they always ended in breakups. Perhaps that first love was too beautiful, or perhaps it was because it was "unattainable" that it became all the more beautiful? Whatever!

Ting, I miss you, I really miss you so much…

[The End]

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My English teacher, my first love

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