Adoption Diary: Letting the Wolf into the House (123-124)

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The Adoption Diary of Letting the Wolf In (123) Seeing Kexin like this, my heart ached. Kexin still cared about Sijian, she just hadn't shown it. Now that I'd pointed it out, she finally revealed her true feelings. But less than ten seconds later, Kexin's expression slowly softened, and she finally sighed, revealing a bitter smile, a smile tinged with mockery, whether at herself or others, I couldn't tell. "I can't even save myself now, how can I save others?" Kexin wiped her eyes, speaking weakly. "What you really want to say is: it's all your fault, don't hurt Sijian, you're willing to bear it all alone, he's just a child after all… Am I right?" Seeing Kexin's state, I spoke up for her, my tone flat. "You still understand me so well. Isn't that a kind of irony? I do care about Sijian. After all, he was the first person to call me 'Mother,' giving me some comfort, but also causing me to lose my innocence. I love him, and I resent him. I want to take responsibility, but I'm afraid you'll be even angrier. I'm not a selfish person, but in our love, I have to be selfish this once. If I had to choose between Sijian and you, I would definitely choose you, undeniably. I don't want to talk about Sijian too much..." Kexin said, shaking her head slightly and covering her face with her hands, her expression helpless and desperate. "You really don't care about Sijian at all?" I couldn't believe Kexin's attitude. I originally thought that after seeing Kexin, she would plead for Sijian, but the current situation surprised me. "I do care, after all, we've been together for so long, but I dare not say anything. I just hope you don't do anything foolish..."
Kexin said, her voice very quiet. The last foolish thing she mentioned was probably harming Sijian, leading me down a path of crime. She was doing this partly to plead for Sijian's life, and partly to express her concern for me. "Go back now. I'll have her bring Sijian to the front gate later, and you can go back together..."
After a brief silence, there was nothing more to say. I turned away from Kexin and said, my voice filled with deep weariness. I had originally wanted to investigate Kexin and Sijian's relationship to determine if she was telling me the truth, and whether our marriage could be saved. But now I was afraid. I was afraid I couldn't bear the emotional trauma. Now, when I closed my eyes, all I could see were images of Kexin and Sijian, especially what I had witnessed that night; my heart felt like it was being torn apart. After saying this, I closed my eyes. Sunlight streamed through the window onto my face, warming my skin, but it couldn't warm my heart. After a long while, I heard no footsteps behind me. I slowly opened my eyes and turned around. I saw Kexin still standing behind me, looking at me with a sad but stubborn expression. "Why aren't you leaving?" I turned around and said to Kexin with my back to her, my tone helpless. "And what about you?" Kexin said three short words, but those three words contained tension and panic. "I won't go back..." Although I couldn't bear it, I still said those words. If Kexin didn't accept this fact, then the lawyer's work couldn't continue. After saying those words, I didn't feel the relief I had imagined. Instead, my heart ached. At that moment, I was also very nervous, even a little worried. After hearing my words, Kexin gave up and turned to leave...
"Are you planning to stay here?" Kexin seemed to have expected this outcome, but her tone was still very low. She asked this question, perhaps thinking that I would stay with Leng Bing Shuang. But I really hadn't considered my future. Originally, I planned to have the lawyer and Kexin complete the divorce proceedings, but these past two days I've been busy searching for Kexin and Sijian. Now that I've found them, I really haven't thought about my future. "I understand... My body is tainted, and I've betrayed our marriage: I have only myself to blame. When I couldn't find you, I was so worried about you, afraid you'd do something foolish, afraid you wouldn't eat, afraid you wouldn't wear enough clothes, afraid your health would collapse, after all, you're so bad at taking care of yourself. Now that I've seen you, you're alright, and you have another wonderful woman by your side, I'm relieved, truly relieved. I have no other desires now. From the hatred she showed me just now, I can see that she truly cares about you; that anger and hatred weren't faked. She is the one in your heart." "Snow White. Our life together these past few years has been ordinary, but I've truly felt happy. I've seen your honesty and hard work, but now… everything is so dramatic, or perhaps it's fate… Take care…"
Kexin's words carried another meaning: I had been hiding from her the existence of a close female friend, Leng Bingshuang. If it were any other woman, she might have already turned around and confronted me, but Kexin didn't. There was a hint of jealousy in her words, but no blame, only self-reproach. That's Kexin's character, and one of the qualities I love about her. "You're overthinking it… Before that night, I had absolutely no contact with her; we were complete strangers…" I don't know why, but I was so eager to explain. Perhaps I was afraid Kexin would misunderstand me—that she had cheated on me, and I had cheated on her too. Or perhaps it was something I hadn't done, and I didn't want to take the blame. I stopped Kexin, but when it came time to explain the affair, I hesitated. Was there any point in explaining now?
"I'll talk to her about the rest, okay?" Just as I was considering whether I should continue, Leng Bing Shuang pushed open the door and came in. She glanced at me with a hint of guilt, but her gaze towards Ke Xin was icy. Leng Bing Shuang's entrance at this moment meant that there might be surveillance cameras in the room, otherwise she wouldn't have come in so promptly, and the look of guilt she gave me was so palpable. "Where's Si Jian?" More than an hour had passed since they released Si Jian. He should have eaten by now, right? "My men are helping him walk. He ate too much, his stomach is bloated..." Leng Bing Shuang avoided eye contact with me, but her tone was very gentle. "I'm going out to take care of some things. I'll send them away when I'm done..." I gave Leng Bing Shuang and Ke Xin a chance to talk. I didn't know what my mindset was. Perhaps I wanted Leng Bing Shuang to explain how I met Ke Xin, to avoid any misunderstandings. But since I had decided to leave Ke Xin and this home, what was the point of caring about these things?
Could it be that I still can't let go of all this? I walked out of the villa area and onto the street. It was getting late; the neon lights were coming on, and the street was starting its nightlife. People who had worked hard all day were shedding their pretenses and burdens, letting loose. Just now, as I passed Kexin, she reached out to grab me, but her hand froze in mid-air. She didn't dare touch me, watching me reluctantly as I walked out of the house. Walking down the street, my heart was filled with unease. What would Leng Bing Shuang say to Kexin? Would she embellish the story? As long as she told the truth, I wasn't afraid. But Leng Bing Shuang wasn't the type to play mind games. Although she was a woman, after these few days of getting to know her, she seemed quite upright. I glanced at the time on the street and, without realizing it, found myself back at my hotel. Should I go back tonight? What if Leng Bing Shuang and Kexin hadn't finished talking? And would it be convenient for me to stay at Leng Bing Shuang's place? I returned to the hotel and lay down on the soft bed. The words Kexin had spoken to me still echoed in my ears. Had I not understood enough? What was the promise Kexin made to Sijian? Had I misunderstood Kexin? Could I really not find a reason to forgive her? (Adoption Diary - 124) I don't know when I fell asleep. In my dream, I kept repeating sweet memories with Kexin, mostly of her care and love for me. When I woke up, it was already morning, and the sunlight was streaming into the hotel room. I didn't take off my clothes and just lay there on the bed—slept all night. I went to the bathroom and looked at my oily face in the mirror. I sighed. I looked so颓废 (颓废 is a difficult word to translate directly, but it implies a state of being listless,颓废, or颓废). I, who used to prioritize my career and family, the good family man in my colleagues' eyes, had become like this. I picked up a razor, trimmed my beard, and washed my face. Although I was clean, the melancholy in my eyes was impossible to hide. I should go back and check. Kexin and Sijian must have already left. I left the hotel and headed towards Leng Bing Shuang's villa. I bought some fried dough sticks on the street to fill my empty stomach. Now that everything was settled, where should I go? I've always been very decisive, but now I feel so helpless, completely without any goals. Lost in my thoughts, I reached my destination. Without any hindrance, I entered Leng Bing Shuang's villa. To my surprise, I saw Kexin in the living room. She was sitting quietly on the sofa. Kexin had cleaned herself up. Her hair was smooth, and she was wearing makeup, just like before. The only difference was that, like me, her eyes held a deep melancholy, even deeper than mine. When Kexin saw me enter, a hint of joy appeared in her eyes, but then her gaze lowered again, and she didn't dare look at me. My gaze swept around the room. I didn't see Leng Bing Shuang or Sijian, only Kexin. This scene made me feel strange. "She's waiting for you upstairs..." Kexin's voice came, low and tinged with fear. I nodded and headed upstairs to the room. Kexin's words were rather vague, only saying "upstairs," but with so many rooms upstairs, which one was it? Instinctively, I went to the room I'd left last night. The moment I opened the door, Leng Bing Shuang sat there blankly in a chair. She looked rather disheveled, her face haggard and her eyes slightly red, as if she'd been exhausted from a sleepless night. "You're back?" Leng Bing Shuang glanced at me when I entered, but the surprise in her eyes was gone, replaced by an indescribable emotion. Had Kexin's conversation with her affected her? Why was she reacting like this? Although I hadn't known Leng Bing Shuang for long, I knew she was a very strong woman. What had happened? Although I didn't care much about Leng Bing Shuang's attitude towards me, I didn't want anyone to misunderstand me. "Kexin said you were waiting for me. Is there something you need?" I sat down on the sofa and rubbed my temples. "Could you try to forgive her just this once?" A cold, aloof voice came from inside the room. These words made me instantly stop rubbing my temples. I looked up at Leng Bing Shuang with a mixture of confusion and surprise. Leng Bing Shuang was actually pleading for Ke Xin? This was completely unexpected, not a normal reaction at all. According to her, she should be happy right now. Without Ke Xin's influence, she could pursue what she wanted. But why did she say this? Had she been brainwashed by Ke Xin last night? "Last night I talked to her a lot. All along, my attention has been focused on you, completely neglecting your wife. But last night we talked all night… I learned a lot, even things I shouldn't have known. I won't say more, but as a woman, I can understand a part of her heart. She truly loves you, which makes me feel ashamed. Although I love you very much too, I don't want to ruin your relationship right now. Instead, I hope you can reconcile." Leng Bing Shuang looked at my surprised expression and spoke these ambiguous words. "Aren't you supposed to be fiercely opposed to evil? Just because my wife cheated on me, does that mean I should just swallow my anger? Am I even a man? You've put yourself in her shoes, but have you ever thought about what it's like for me?"
The thought that Leng Bing Shuang and Ke Xin had ended up wearing the same pair of pants overnight made me feel like I had lost the last person in the world who understood me, making my heart even more sorrowful. At that moment, the world seemed colorless, and everything felt so ridiculous. "Xu Jian, don't get agitated, listen to me patiently. Don't worry, I haven't been misled. Your wife told me everything last night, including your marriage and your affair with that adopted son. Although I find her behavior despicable, hearing about your relationship and her attitude towards me, I'm truly astonished. She showed no hostility towards me, but rather gratitude—gratitude for saving you. If it were me, I certainly wouldn't ask for your forgiveness; instead, I would question your relationship with this woman. Is it a case of 'the magistrate is allowed to set fires while the common people are forbidden even to light lamps'? But your wife didn't. At first, she did believe you were cheating on her, that you had a lover like me in private. But her eyes told me that as long as you're happy, as long as you feel at ease, she's willing to give everything for you. Since she can bear this burden for you, why can't you? Why don't you give it a try?" Leng Bing Shuang spoke, but her eyes still held a hint of resentment. Although she was advising me, it didn't seem entirely sincere. "Enough..." I finally lost control of my emotions. I stood up from the sofa, my shout echoing in the room. "Women... Hah... Don't you feel guilty saying that? You're all the same..."
At that moment, I felt utterly disheartened. If Leng Bing Shuang had tried to persuade me with any other reason, even something as simple as "a night of marriage brings a hundred days of kindness" would have been more comforting and genuine than what she had just said. Just because a woman was good to me, could I really accept being cuckolded? This reason seemed utterly ridiculous to me. I had even considered that if I were an outsider, observing from a neutral perspective, I would also advise reconciliation rather than separation. After all, everyone makes mistakes, so why not give this marriage a chance? Perhaps after my emotions calmed down, I could convince myself. But Leng Bing Shuang hadn't expected her words to backfire, adding fuel to the fire. "Although I don't have your high status or position, I am at least a person loyal to my family and love. I have never been tempted by others, including you… There's nothing else to talk about. Don't bother me anymore… Also, thank you for taking care of me…" I said, walking to the front door. After opening the door, I left, but Leng Bing Shuang didn't follow, leaving only a sigh. When I got downstairs, Kexin saw me and her eyes showed a hint of fear. As I reached the front door, Kexin ran up behind me, and instantly I felt her legs being grabbed. For some reason, the usually delicate Kexin now seemed to possess immense strength, holding my legs tightly, making it impossible for me to move an inch. "Please, don't leave me, okay? I was wrong, really wrong. I'll pay any price if you're willing, really. I'll live peacefully with you from now on. You can even have lovers outside, as long as you don't leave me, I'll never make the same mistake again, okay…" Kexin clung to my legs, refusing to let go, crying and pleading, her voice filled with despair. "What did you tell her? What do you want?" I couldn't move an inch, and I couldn't force Kexin to move, so I sighed and looked down at her. "I told her everything about us, including what happened between Sijian and me…" Kexin said hesitantly under my gaze, her eyes darting away, speaking cautiously. "Is that all?" I said to Kexin with a smile, but it was a cold laugh. "Didn't you even think about finding me a lover to make up for it?" Kexin didn't speak, and I vented my anger by saying a self-deprecating remark, "You two are the same kind of scum..." Hearing Kexin's words, coupled with my previous emotions, I lost my last bit of patience. At the same time, I felt disappointed in Leng Bing Shuang. I wondered if I was too emotional right now. If I calmed down, would I understand something...? I shook off Kexin's hands that were holding me, broke free from her restraints, and walked towards the door, leaving this city and never coming back. "Buzz..." Just as I took a step, I heard an electric shock, and my body went numb. Finally, I collapsed onto the floor, but my consciousness didn't disappear. My eyes were still open, and I could see everything in front of me... [Last edited by Pipi Xia]
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