Those Years' Oedipus Diaries

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My Oedipus Diary from Those Years:

When I was little, my father worked away from home and rarely came back, leaving just my mother and me at home.
Back then, women in rural areas married and had children very young.
I never really noticed how beautiful my mother was until I was about six or seven years old. One day, while playing with my friends, a boy named Wang An suddenly said to everyone, "Zhang Sicheng's mother is really beautiful."
Then the other kids joined in, chattering about whose mother was pretty, had a big bottom, big breasts, or which woman in the village was beautiful.
I didn't understand why Wang An suddenly mentioned my mother, but my vanity was greatly satisfied.
When I got home, I happily told my mother about it. She just smiled, patted my head, and didn't say anything before going to cook for me.
It was then that I first realized how beautiful my mother's swaying hips were when she walked.
When my father wasn't home, I was young and afraid of the dark, so I slept in the same room as my mother. She never hesitated to change clothes in front of me.
I often saw her changing her underwear in the room, taking it off right in front of me. I got used to it and didn't think much of it.
At night, I especially liked to snuggle into her arms while we slept, and she would hold my head and press it against her chest.
My mother was a very clean person; she showered with soap every day, and her body always smelled wonderful afterward, unlike the other women in the village.
Because I was young, my mother would always bathe me beside me. I was quite mischievous then, and I would often scoop up bathwater and splash it on her, but only a little at a time. If I splashed too much and wet her clothes, she would get angry. During bath
time, my mother would always make a point of cleaning my penis. I didn't understand anything about sex then; I just felt that my mother's hands felt very comfortable and gentle on my penis, and I always looked forward to her cleaning that area during bath time.
This continued until around fifth or sixth grade. One day, my deskmate, a boy named Li Jun, suddenly asked me mysteriously if I wanted to see something interesting. I nodded, and he said he'd show it to me after school.
Being a child, I was easily lured by his mysterious promise, and I barely paid attention in class all morning, just waiting for school to end.
Finally, school was over, and I asked Li Jun if I could see it. He smiled mysteriously, pulled me towards the school gate, and walked quite a distance until we reached a corner in an alley. Then he unzipped his backpack and took the thing out.
As soon as he pulled it out, I saw it was just a book, wrapped tightly in a pre-cut book cover; I couldn't even see the title.
I was a little angry and said, "You're showing me this? I thought you were going to tell me something amazing."
Kids love to play, and I was no exception. I was usually restless in class, and asking me to read a book made me wonder if Li Jun had something wrong with his head.
Li Jun wasn't in a hurry at all. He calmly told me, "Open it and take a look first, then we'll talk."
I thought, since I'm already here, there's no harm in looking, so I took the oiled paper book from him and opened it. Li Jun, on the other hand, looked around nervously, as if someone was about to discover my secret.
After flipping through a few pages, I was immediately drawn to the contents of the book. It turned out to be a pornographic storybook.
Children in rural areas tend to be more sexually precocious. Even at a young age, they learn about things like "fucking" and "breasts" from the swear words spoken by adults.
Just a few months ago, I and a few other kids from the village went to peep at the village women bathing.
Back then, it was common for kids to form sworn brotherhoods, which they learned from the older boys in the village who didn't do anything productive or study.
Among our group of friends, there was such a "big brother" figure. He and three of us had become sworn brothers, and one day he suddenly asked us if we wanted to see what a woman's body looked like.
We kids immediately nodded our heads like chickens pecking at rice. He imitated the bosses on TV, waving his hand to signal us to follow him.
We arrived at the back of a house, and the older brother told us that someone would be taking a bath soon, and we could see them from there, pointing to the glass above.
We then realized that a piece of glass in that window was broken, but it was quite high up, almost as tall as both of us at the time; even on tiptoe, we couldn't see it.
The older brother said, "You guys are so stupid! Why don't you stand on each other's shoulders to see?"
We all thought it was a good idea, and later, for safety, we stood on each other's shoulders, one foot each, to distribute the weight.
Soon after, we heard sounds from inside. The older brother made a shushing gesture, and we all obediently kept quiet. After a while, we heard the sound of water, and we knew the woman inside had started bathing.
Because I was the thinnest among them, we had decided during our discussion that I should go first to see if it was okay, and then the others would go one by one.
So, according to the original plan, the other two stronger friends squatted on the ground, and the older brother and the other friend helped me up by placing me on their shoulders. Then, they each held my feet and slowly stood up, leaning me against the glass.
Surprisingly, my height plus the height of the two friends below me was just enough to reach the broken glass; it must have been fate.
I stared wide-eyed into the glass, and there was a woman sitting in a bathtub right in front of me, scooping bathwater with a long-handled ladle and pouring it over herself.
Since I grew up, my mother seemed to have become more mindful of her behavior in front of me. She no longer changed clothes in front of me without any restraint, and even when I bathed her, she would only wipe my back; I had to wash the rest of my body myself.
Because the more unattainable something is, the more you want it. Plus, at this age, I understood many things I didn't before, but it was too late;
I couldn't see them even if I wanted to. So, being able to see a woman's mysterious body again
filled me with unimaginable excitement. However, because the bathing area was covered by curtains, the room was very dark, and even when I got very close, I couldn't see clearly. And with glass in front, I didn't dare put my head directly in.
I kept blinking as I looked. My friends below, having stood for too long, couldn't take it anymore and asked if I was done looking and if it was time to switch. I don't know if they were talking too loudly or if they heard me talking through the glass, but
the woman bathing inside suddenly looked in my direction and started screaming. I was so scared that I quickly made them put me down, and then they all ran away.
Afterwards, they complained that I had looked for too long and they hadn't seen anything. I lied and said that I hadn't seen anything either, that it was too dark inside, and the actual situation was probably just a little better.
This should be considered one of my earliest sexual awakenings, so when I saw this erotic storybook that Li Jun gave me, I was incredibly excited. By fifth or sixth grade, I could recognize most of the words in it, so even though it was just text, I still blushed terribly when I read the sexual descriptions in the book.
I hadn't even read a few pages, and was getting really into it, when Li Jun snatched the book away and stuffed it into his bag.
"I haven't finished it yet!"
"Isn't it great? I told you it's a good book, do you want to read it?"
"Yes, yes, yes!"
"Then I can lend it to you, but you'll have to pay."
I said a little worriedly, "How much?"
Li Jun thought for a moment and said, "Just fifty cents, I'll lend it to you for three days."
Money was different back then; adults' monthly salary might only be a few dozen or a hundred yuan, so fifty cents was a considerable sum for me.

Finally, I negotiated with him, asking if he could give me one cent a day, and I could return it to him whenever I finished reading. This way, I could read faster and save some money. He thought about it and agreed.
I immediately took out the two cents of pocket money my mom had given me for today from my pocket and gave it to Li Jun. But he said he needed an extra cent, saying it was a deposit, in case the book was discovered and confiscated by my mom, or damaged, I would have to pay for it. I gritted my teeth and gave it to him.
I carefully stuffed the yellow storybook into my schoolbag and hurried home. Walking down the street, I felt like everyone was watching me, as if they had all discovered my secret. Looking back, I realize how timid I was.
When I got home, my mom was already back, waiting for me to eat. Because of what happened with Li Jun, I was home a little later than usual. She casually asked why I was so late, and I was startled. I stammered that I had to do chores that day, and she didn't ask anything more.
Around noon, my mom had to go to work at the factory. Since it was still early before school, she reminded me not to oversleep and to remember to go to school early before leaving.
When I heard her close the door, my heart pounded wildly, a strange and indescribable feeling welling up inside me. I
quickly ran out of my room, opened the door to confirm that my mom was indeed gone, then ran back to my room, closed the door, and began my yellow reading adventure.
It's really strange. Normally, I find reading a Chinese textbook incredibly boring and can't concentrate after just a few lines. But now, reading these little erotic stories is like seeing something delicious; I'm completely absorbed.
It was also around this time that I first learned that a woman's genitals are called "bi" or "slutty bi," and that a man's penis is called "jiba."
I'd heard people say before that when a man and woman give birth, the man inserts his penis into the woman's vagina, but I didn't know the specifics. I only learned from the book that it involves insertion.
The storybook is made up of many short stories of various kinds, including one about incest between mother and son. When I saw the title, "Me and My Big-Breasted Mom," I felt my whole body heat up, and my penis even got a little erect.
So I read it with great interest. Although the story itself wasn't very detailed or elaborate, it seemed to involve a mother massaging her body, touching her skin, and then the mother becoming aroused and letting her son have sex with her.
But for someone as naive as me at the time, it was incredibly stimulating, especially the description of my mother's figure in the book—full breasts and a plump bottom, her swaying hips were exactly like my own.
Without realizing it, I began to see the woman in the book as my own mother. Even after finishing the story, I was still unsatisfied, flipping through the book searching for more stories about incest between mothers and sons. Unfortunately, the entire book only contained three or four such stories.
When I tried to read other types of stories, I couldn't get into them; the thrill of reading about incestuous mother-son relationships was gone. I just kept rereading those few stories, completely oblivious to the fact that it was time for school.
By the time I remembered I had to go to school, at least ten minutes of class had already started. I ran to the classroom, and luckily, I was usually well-behaved in class, so the teacher only said a few words to me and let me sit down.
As soon as I sat down, Li Jun grinned mischievously and whispered to me, "How was it? Pretty good, right?"
"It's pretty good. I'll return it to you after school."
Li Jun was startled and exclaimed in surprise, "Really? You finished it so quickly?"
I didn't want to tell him that I had only read the incest stories I liked and hadn't read the others, so I told him, "I only read a few good ones. The others weren't very interesting, so I didn't read them."
He started to ponder, probably thinking about how to make money off me again. He never expected that I would finish it in just one day.
After a while, he said, "Do you want to read anything else?"
"Anything else? Do you have any other books?" "
I have plenty of books. Do you have anything else that's more interesting?"
"What is it?"
My curiosity was piqued once again.
"You know about DVDs, right?"
Of course I knew about DVDs. In those days, only a few wealthy families could afford them, and I had heard from the beginning that they were used to watch pornographic discs.
But I couldn't possibly get my hands on either DVDs or pornographic discs, so I just heard about them and that was that.
Now, hearing Li Jun suddenly mention this thing brought back memories. I didn't expect him to be able to get his hands on such things, but I remembered that his family shouldn't be very wealthy.
So I asked him, "Do you have DVDs at home?"
He said, "I don't have any at home, but I know where I can watch these things, and there are discs to watch. How about it, do you want to watch them?"
Having experienced paying to borrow books at noon, I knew he wouldn't let me watch them for free, so I asked him, "Does it cost money?"
He nodded.
I said, "How much does it cost?"
He held up three fingers, and I hesitated when I thought about how much it was—three cents.
He probably saw my hesitation and said, "Actually, you can use something else instead."
I asked him curiously, "What is it?"
He then started to act mysterious and told me he would tell me after school when no one was around.
Then he talked to me about the stories in the book, asking which ones I had read. Afraid he'd find out my secret, I just casually mentioned a few and stopped talking.
It wasn't until after school that afternoon, and this time we didn't go to any remote places—just somewhere not far from the school—that we hid and started discussing substitutes.
"Actually, you can use your mother's things instead of money."
"My mother's things?"
Hearing his suggestion, I felt a little strange. What could my mother possibly use as a substitute? And if anything of hers was missing, she would definitely find out. I wouldn't dare do that.
"Anything will do—underwear, bras, or socks."
When Li Jun mentioned these women's intimate items, I looked at him with a very strange expression.
He explained, "These aren't what I wanted; it's what the person with the DVDs specifically requested. He even said that if the items are good, he'll not only not charge me, he'll pay me."
At first, I thought I misheard—not only free, but he'd pay me!
Li Jun probably guessed what I was thinking and continued, "If he's satisfied, one or two yuan is no problem."
One or two yuan was a considerable sum back then, and I was tempted, but still hesitant.
At this point, Li Jun started encouraging me, saying, "If you only take one item, your mom won't find out."

I thought about it and said I needed to go back and think about it, so I went home.
Even after my mom came home to cook and I showered and went to bed, I was still uneasy.
Even in sixth grade, I still slept in the same room as my mom, but she no longer changed clothes in front of me without any hesitation; she would always call me out every time she changed.
When she came in to sleep after her shower, I was still thinking about what Li Jun had said. Even with the light off, I couldn't fall asleep, so I sat up to get out of bed.
"What's wrong?"
my mom asked, seeing me suddenly sit up.
"I'm going to the bathroom."
"Why didn't you go earlier? You're always like this, never preparing beforehand. Turn on the light so you don't fall."
I did as my mom instructed, turning on the light and going out.
Actually, my real purpose wasn't to go to the bathroom, but to see if my mom had changed out of her shower clothes. And I actually found some!
A pair of red cotton panties, flesh-colored stockings, and a purple bra. It felt warm in my hands, and I excitedly brought the bra to my nose and smelled it deeply; it had a faint fragrance.
Because of the erotic storybook I had read at noon, I thought about the content of the storybook, and my penis started to get a little erect again.
I had originally planned to smell it a little longer, but my mom suddenly called me. Seeing that I hadn't finished after so long, I quickly put away the underwear and bra and went back to sleep.
As soon as I got into bed, my mom told me to lie down and go to sleep, as I had to go to school the next day. But I was still aroused by the storybook and the bra I had just been in, and I couldn't concentrate on sleeping. My mind was filled with the content of the book and what my mom would look like wearing those bras. I didn't fall asleep until the middle of the night.
In the end, after thinking about it several times, I decided that stealing my mom's underwear to sell was too dangerous. Not only would I easily be discovered, but I would also be in big trouble if that kid Li Jun used it to blackmail me later.
Back then, it was very common among us kids to talk about whose mom had been slept with by so-and-so, or that whose mom was very slutty. I didn't want my mom to be gossiped about.
Ever since I refused Li Jun's request, his attitude towards me had become much colder, and I was glad I had refused him.
Later, a secret circulated among us boys—actually, it wasn't really a secret anymore since everyone already knew, but it was only among us boys.
It was said that a boy in our class named Tian Xingteng had stolen his mother's underwear and been caught. Tian Xingteng didn't usually hang out with us; he was a bit dull and didn't seem like the type to do something like that.
So when the rumor first came out, no one else believed it, but I was the only one who knew it might be true. Around that time, I noticed Li Jun and Tian Xingteng were getting quite close, and I wondered how two people with such different personalities could get together.
Then Li Jun stopped coming to school, supposedly dropping out, which further confirmed my suspicions. After that, it was said that Li Jun's family moved, and Tian Xingteng disappeared. Everyone just guessed that the rumors about Tian Xingteng might be true, which was why he left, but they couldn't fathom why Li Jun had suddenly moved away.
I was terrified by their affair, afraid that Li Jun might expose me too. So, during those days when rumors about them were rampant, I was worried about hearing my name mentioned in other people's conversations and also worried that Li Jun would come looking for me. My mental state was terrible.
My mom saw how listless I was and thought I was sick, so she took me to the doctor. At the hospital, the doctor asked me a few questions and said that my sleep problems were due to excessive stress. Because I was young, the doctor didn't dare prescribe any sleeping pills, so he prescribed some sleep aids instead.
My mom was quite puzzled at the time. I wasn't a particularly diligent student, so why would I be so stressed at my age? She asked me why, and I couldn't think of any other excuse, so I just said it was because final exams were coming up. My mom was very happy to hear that and patted my head, saying that I had grown up and become sensible.
That evening, my mom brought out the medicine the doctor prescribed and watched me take it, because she knew I didn't like taking medicine and was afraid of the bitter taste.
When it was time to sleep at night, she would leave the light on and watch me fall asleep first—a tenderness from my mother that I hadn't experienced in a long time since I grew up.
I don't know when I fell asleep; I just felt dizzy, and then I seemed to see a bright light, but it was very blurry. I rubbed my eyes desperately, but I still couldn't see clearly.
Then I came to a house with a large, rustic wooden bucket inside, the kind the villagers usually used to hold rice. But now, a woman was sitting inside, naked.
My eyes could only make out that she wasn't dressed; my vision blurred at certain parts. When I looked at her face again, I could clearly see it was my mother, smiling at me with a particularly bright smile.
I had never seen that smile on her before. Suddenly, she splashed water from the bucket at me, but I didn't feel a thing. She smiled and waved to me, and I went over.
Somehow, my clothes disappeared. She told me to sit down and bathe with her. I did as she instructed and sat in the wooden tub. She washed herself, while my eyes were fixed on her chest. My mother saw me and just smiled gently at me. I don't know where I got the courage, but I reached out to grab her.
Then, I woke up. The first thing I did was wake up with a clear mind, my back sweating profusely, alternating between hot and cold. I remembered that beautiful dream, both real and unreal, very clearly.
The more I recalled the dream, the harder it was to distinguish between reality and illusion. I wonder if anyone else has ever had this feeling—knowing it was a dream, but thinking back on it feels incredibly real, as if it were real.
However, the next second, before I could even consider whether it was Zhuangzi dreaming of a butterfly or the butterfly transforming into Zhuangzi, I found my hand above me grasping something soft and spherical. The texture was unlike anything I had ever felt before; it felt incredibly comfortable.
It was only then that I realized the object belonged to my mother, because she was sleeping right next to me. My mind immediately connected the dots and I realized what I had touched.
I had read descriptions of breasts in novels before; they were described as incredibly soft and comfortable to touch. I had only ever glimpsed them before, when peeking at others showering or when my mother changed clothes as a child.
My breathing quickened. I knew this was wrong, and I would be in deep trouble if my mother found out. But I kept telling myself, "Just a little longer, just a little longer, I'll let go right away."
When I first realized my hand was touching my mother's breast, I was so frightened that my hand became stiff and I didn't dare to move. I just covered it with
my hand. After a while, seeing that my mother didn't move, an evil voice kept hypnotizing me: "Touch it and try it. It feels good. What's there to be afraid of?" I increased the pressure slightly, and that little pressure was enough for me to feel the charm and elasticity of a woman's breast.
This kind of thing is like an addiction; once you get the first time, you'll want the second. My hand began to gently squeeze my mother's breast, while paying attention to her reaction, afraid that she would wake up. It was probably the most focused I've ever been in my life.
After playing like this for a while, I started to have even bigger evil thoughts. Just touching it gently couldn't extinguish the fire rising in my heart. I was probably already lost in desire at that time, disregarding all consequences, only wanting to get greater pleasure. I started to squeeze my mother's breast harder. I felt like I was about to squeeze her breast to burst.
What happened later confirmed my suspicions. I had only gripped her so tightly that my mother, who had been fast asleep, suddenly let out a faint groan. Although she groaned very softly, I was paying close attention to her and it was the quiet of the night, so it actually sounded quite loud.
At the time, I thought she had hurt me, that it was a painful cry, but now I realize it was hard to tell whether the groan was from discomfort or pleasure. I was so frightened that I didn't dare move, remaining there with my hand covering her breast and my eyes fixed on her back. When
I saw her body move slightly, I quickly closed my eyes, but I didn't pull my hand away, and I didn't dare move again. I don't understand how I had such good composure back then; even now, I probably wouldn't be able to react that quickly.
When my mother woke up, her breathing was different, which told me that she was indeed awake and that the movement wasn't just a coincidence.
A few seconds passed with my eyes closed. Then, Mom gently removed my hand from her breast and placed it softly beside me. Next, I heard what sounded like clothes being pulled, probably her adjusting her clothes.
The night returned to silence. Just when I thought it was over and was relieved I hadn't been discovered, a hand lightly brushed against my penis.
I was startled, but reacted quickly, immediately recognizing Mom. I just couldn't understand what she was going to do.
The next second, Mom's fingers gently tapped my penis through my underwear. Because I had just touched Mom's breast, my penis was still erect—or rather, not hard like an adult's, just slightly swollen, still relatively soft.
Mom, perhaps startled by my erect penis, suddenly stopped tapping, and after a while, started rubbing it with several fingers.
Although she used very gentle force, I felt an indescribable comfort all over my body, even more so than when I touched her breasts.
Then, it seemed Mom wasn't satisfied with just rubbing with a few fingers; she directly enveloped my penis with her entire palm. Her palm was warm, and because she probably took good care of it, there were no calluses. My penis felt incredibly comfortable in her hand.
Her movements were very slow and gentle, her hand occasionally squeezing and tightening my penis. This feeling was like ascending to heaven; I still savor it to this day, but I've never experienced anything like it with my girlfriend or wife since.
After playing with it for a while, Mom released my penis, adjusted her body, and went back to sleep. I, still feeling the pleasure from before, drifted off to sleep without realizing it.
When I woke up the next day, I found myself feeling exceptionally refreshed. I felt a little embarrassed when I saw Mom, but she showed no sign of anything amiss, making it impossible to imagine what she had done to me the night before.
A few days later, I finally confirmed with a classmate that Li Jun had left our village, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Later that night, whenever I wanted to feel my mother's soft breasts again, my heart would pound. I always felt that if I did, she would immediately notice, so I always tried to wait until she was sound asleep.
But because I had been playing outside all day, I was always sleepy at night, and I would fall asleep on my own, so I never succeeded again.
This continued until the summer after graduating from sixth grade. It felt like the happiest summer I had ever had, because unlike now, we didn't have to choose schools. There was only one middle school in town, and all of us classmates were basically the same group of students when we got to middle school, so there wasn't much difference.
My father would be coming back that summer. I used to be especially happy whenever he came back from working away from home because he would always bring me delicious food and fun toys.
But this year, I didn't have as much anticipation for his return.
Today, I had planned to go kite flying with some friends, but Da Lin, who was in charge, had to help with chores at home, and the rest of us lost interest and canceled the plan. I wandered around outside for a while and was just about to go home
when I saw my mother pushing her bicycle along the road. A man was with her beside her; I recognized him—he was a colleague of hers at the factory, and I called him Uncle Chen.
They were walking and laughing. When my father wasn't home, it was just my mother and me living together, and she would always try to avoid men who might bother her, afraid of being gossiped about in the village.
But Uncle Chen was an exception; I had seen him walking and talking with my mother several times before.
Suddenly, I saw Uncle Chen's hand seem to touch my mother's waist. Because it was too far away, I wasn't sure if I saw it correctly, but then my mother seemed to glare at him before getting on her bicycle and riding away. He smiled at my mother's retreating figure and also got on his bicycle and rode towards his own home.
When I got home, my mom was cooking, humming a little tune and looking very happy. I asked her when my dad was coming back.
She smiled and looked at me, saying, "What? Missing your dad? Wait a little longer, he'll be back in a few days."
I don't know why I asked her that question back then, I just really hoped my dad would come back at that time and drive away that Uncle Chen.
About a week later, my dad finally came back from outings, and just as I had hoped, he brought me lots of delicious food and fun things. My mom scolded him a little, blaming him for wasting money, but my dad just smiled and didn't say anything.
During dinner, he specifically asked about my studies, and my mom told him the truth. My grades were just average, nothing special. After hearing this, my dad just said a few encouraging words, without any scolding, because in those days, finding a job mainly depended on connections.
When it was time to sleep at night, there was only one room in the house. My dad came home, and naturally, I couldn't sleep in the same bed as my mom anymore. So, we cobbled together a small wooden plank and two long benches to make a makeshift bed for me.
Because of the sudden change in bed, I, who usually falls asleep very easily, couldn't sleep. Actually, I was also anticipating something.
After being exposed to those erotic storybooks, I had begun to understand the secrets between adults. I knew that they always secretly did other things while sleeping, and that my dad, who hadn't been home for so long, must have been working hard all night. Sure enough,
just as I expected, after pretending to be asleep for a short while, I heard my dad's voice.
"Sounds like you're asleep?"
"Go check,"
my mom gestured for my dad to check if I was asleep. Luckily, I was prepared. When my dad got out of bed and came to my side, he only saw me fast asleep.
"I checked, I'm asleep."
Then I heard my dad get back into bed, and the bed creaked. Our bed back then was one of those wooden plank beds, and even a slightly larger movement would make a creaking sound.
"Be quiet, don't turn around and wake Chengcheng."
"Don't worry, kids don't wake up easily."
My mom didn't say anything more after that.
Then I heard kissing sounds. Because I was already prepared, I was lying on my side with my face facing my mom and dad.
At this moment, I secretly opened my eyes a little, squinting at the bed.
With the help of that little bit of moonlight, I could see fairly clearly that my dad was on top of my mom, passionately kissing her. They were covered by a thin sheet, which covered their lower bodies, while their upper bodies were naked.
It was the first time in so many years that I had seen my mother's breasts. Bathed in moonlight, they appeared exceptionally white and round. Although not particularly large, their shape was beautiful; I only learned later that they were called "bamboo shoot breasts."
My father held my mother's tongue in his mouth, his other hand constantly kneading her breasts. I had secretly tried it before, so I knew how pleasurable it felt.
Moreover, I had been incredibly nervous then, afraid to use too much force. Now, seeing my father shamelessly squeezing and kneading them, the breasts constantly changing shape in his hands, a surge of anger welled up inside me.
Even if I chased away Uncle Chen, there was still my father. Wouldn't I never be able to touch my mother's body again?
After a series of kisses, my father released my mother's lips, his hand moving downwards with a smile, and I don't know what he touched. My mother seemed startled, or rather, her voice sounded somewhat uncomfortable.
My dad's hand fiddled under the sheet for a long time before finally pulling it out. His fingers, glistening in the moonlight, seemed to have been coated with honey.
Then it dawned on me—this was what they called "vaginal fluid" when a woman is in pleasure, as described in books. So, my mom had been moaning comfortably, not being aroused by my dad.
He held his fingers up to my mom's face as if to let her smell them, but she turned her head away in embarrassment.
"I haven't been home for so long, have you been missing me? You've gotten so wet in such a short time," he
said. My mom remained silent, but I could hear her rapid breathing. Seeing she didn't answer, my dad persisted, holding his wet fingers to her nose, which she angrily brushed away.
"You rascal, you're playing tricks on me as soon as you get back. If you don't hurry up, you'll be unable to continue."
At this moment, my dad's gentle demeanor vanished, replaced by a fierce rage. "You'll find out soon enough whether you can handle it or not. I'll make sure you can't get out of bed tomorrow." After that, neither of them spoke. My dad fiddled with the sheets for a while longer, and with a thrust of his hip, both my mom and he let out a low groan. Then the wooden bed creaked and groaned incessantly. My mom even patted my dad, telling him to be quiet, probably afraid of waking me up. But I thought he was being too rough, and my mom couldn't take it anymore. She wouldn't listen to his advice and instead became even more vigorous. My mom gritted her teeth and endured it, looking very uncomfortable, and it seemed she couldn't even speak. Their movements were rather simple, just the man on top of the woman, without any other tricks, not as varied as described in books. They moved mechanically like this for about ten minutes. With my dad's final, powerful thrust, he stopped, panting heavily, and collapsed onto my mom's body. After a while, he got up, took some tissues from the nearby cabinet, and wiped himself. After wiping herself off, my mom suddenly looked in my direction, which startled me so much that I immediately closed my eyes, not knowing if she had seen me. Then I heard someone get up, put on their shoes, and come to my bedside, gently covering me with the blanket. I could tell from the scent of soap that it was my mom who got up. She then left the room, and I heard the sound of running water outside; she must have gone to wash up. She didn't return for a while. When she came back, my dad was already snoring away, fast asleep. My mom stood by the bed, sighed softly, and seemed lost in thought before finally lying down to sleep as well. I, on the other hand, kept thinking about everything they had just done, and it took me ages to finally fall asleep. My dad stayed home for about a month this time, but we didn't have many opportunities to secretly do things like last night. My mom didn't seem particularly happy about his return; she seemed indifferent until he left again to work. Only then did she show some reluctance to see him go. Some time after he left, I came home one day, and Uncle Chen, who worked at the same factory as my mom, was there too. He was very friendly and asked about my grades, but I had a prejudice against him and didn't like him much, so I just gave him a few perfunctory replies and went back to my room. He stayed a while longer and then left. I never saw him come to my house again or come home from work with my mom until I was in the second year of junior high school. They said my dad had made a lot of money, and our whole family moved to the county town, after which we lost all contact. After moving to the county town, I realized how big the outside world was; there were many things I was never seeing before. However, in a new environment, I couldn't keep in touch with my old friends, and I often became withdrawn after school. Fortunately, I met a new friend, my classmate. I think we became good friends because we were in similar circumstances. His name is Su Wen, a very delicate name, and he is also delicate in appearance. His personality is just like his appearance—somewhat frail. One day after school, I saw him being bullied by some students from other classes. I couldn't stand it and stepped in to help him. Kids in the countryside are usually quite mischievous, and fighting is commonplace. I easily chased those students away. That's how I truly got to know him. One of us was new to the county town and didn't have many friends, while the other was timid and afraid to socialize. Two people in similar situations came together and became friends. Su Wen's family is relatively wealthy, which can be seen from his clothes, appearance, and manners. Before coming to the county town, I often heard people in the village say that city people are snobbish and only befriend the rich, while the poor can't even get close to them. But after getting to know Su Wen, I realized he wasn't like that at all. He genuinely treated me as a good friend, inviting me to his house for the weekend after only two weeks of knowing me. I was already bored to death in this place, so I readily agreed. When I first arrived at Su Wen's house, it was very clean and tidy, seemingly regularly cleaned. He was the only one home when I arrived. "Are you home alone?" "Yes, my mom went to work." I found his answer a bit odd. Why didn't he mention his father? I didn't see anyone else at home! But I'm grown up now, and I know what I can and cannot ask others, so I kept it to myself.

Back then, the Famicom (Nintendo Entertainment System) was very popular, but firstly, these game consoles were too expensive; only wealthy families could afford them. Secondly, there was a saying that these game consoles were like "spiritual heroin," addictive and detrimental to one's life. Therefore, many parents strictly forbade their children from touching them, let alone buying them, and this outdated thinking still lingers with that generation of parents today.
Surprisingly, Su Wen's family had one. I had once played in a secretly run arcade and was immediately captivated by its unprecedented fun, but the pay-per-play model was far too expensive; after a few visits, my allowance was insufficient.
Su Wen and I played games until noon. Then Su Wen told me he needed to buy lunch and let me play by myself, and then he went out. I played for a while longer, but after my character died, I felt tired and paused to rest, also getting up to use the restroom.
As I pulled up my pants and came out of the bathroom, I glanced back at their balcony. A row of clothes was hanging there, drying, and it looked like there were women's clothes and underwear among them. I don't know why, but a sudden fire ignited within me. When I imagined what I might do next, my mind went blank, and I found myself walking towards the balcony.
Those few steps made my heart pound. Looking at those black lace panties, I realized I'd never seen anything like them with my mother. "These must be Su Wen's mother's panties, right? So sexy!" I thought to myself.
Just as my hand was about to touch them, I heard the key turn in the lock. I snapped back to reality and quickly went back to my room. Su Wen had just returned with lunch takeout.
"Why aren't you playing?"
"Oh! I was a little tired, so I got up for a walk."
Su Wen didn't suspect my lie at all.
After lunch, I started to feel sleepy. I had planned to rest before playing games, but I ended up sleeping until after 4 PM.
Just as I was about to say goodbye to Su Wen and go home, his mother returned. He seemed surprised to see me. Su Wen then introduced me to his mother: "Mom, this is my classmate, Zhang Sicheng. Come to our house to play."
"Hello, Auntie, my name is Zhang Sicheng."
"Hello, welcome to our house."
Su Wen's mother wasn't particularly beautiful, but she had a very pleasing and charming look. I can't quite put my finger on it; maybe it's a kind of aura.
"Are you going home already? Stay for dinner!" Aunt Su tried to persuade me to stay for dinner, but perhaps because I felt guilty about what I had done earlier, I didn't want to stay any longer.
"No, Auntie, I should go home. It's so late; if I don't go back soon, my mom will worry."
"Oh, okay, then Auntie won't keep you. Be careful on your way home, and come over anytime."
After some polite exchanges, I finally left Su Wen's house. After returning home, I found myself thinking about Su Wen's mother constantly. We had only met once and hadn't even exchanged a few words, so why did I feel such a strong connection to her? It was strange.
In the days that followed, I would go to Su Wen's house to play whenever I had free time. It wasn't always just to play video games; sometimes I would take him out to play basketball. Otherwise, even if Aunt Su was very hospitable, she would probably find me annoying.
"Wen, your skills have improved a lot lately, you're almost as good as me."
"Hehe, that's all thanks to your excellent teaching!"
"Hey, call me 'master,' am I that old?"
Since we started playing together, Su Wen seemed like a different person. He became more talkative, more lively, and bolder. His classmates could hardly recognize him as the timid, girlish Wen from before.
After a game of basketball, covered in sweat, I parted ways with Su Wen at the basketball court. When I got home and was about to take a shower, I saw a pair of leather shoes at the front door. I was quite certain they weren't my dad's shoes.
I didn't think much of it at the time and called out as usual, "Mom, I'm home." Immediately afterward, I heard a noise coming from my parents' bedroom. Before I could even figure out what was happening, the bedroom door opened.
"Chengcheng's back? Come on, come see your Uncle Chen. He just happened to be in town on business and came to visit us. He brought a lot of things."
To my surprise, Uncle Chen was also coming out of the bedroom with my mom. I hadn't seen him since my dad's last visit, and now he was suddenly in my house.
"Chengcheng's grown so much, I almost didn't recognize him. Do you still recognize Uncle Chen?"
"What are you talking about? How could you forget? It hasn't been that long! Right, Chengcheng?"
Uncle Chen, whose hair was neatly combed, joked with me. Before I could even speak, my mom spoke up for him.
I felt strange at the time, but I couldn't explain why. I just inexplicably felt disgusted and repulsed by this Uncle Chen. I said a few perfunctory words, told them I was going to take a shower, went back to my room to get my clothes, went into the bathroom, and ignored them.
As I let the hot water from the showerhead wash away the grime from my body, my mind slowly regained its usual calm. The more I thought about it, the more uneasy I felt. Why would Uncle Chen come to my house for no reason? What were he and my mother doing in the bedroom? They could have chatted in the living room.
An ominous premonition enveloped my heart. The more I thought about it, the more uneasy I became. I didn't even feel like showering anymore. I just dried myself off with a towel and prepared to leave. Just as I was about to open the door, I heard my mother's voice outside.
"Hurry up, Chengcheng will be out of the shower soon." My mother's voice sounded hurried and tense, and her tone had changed as if she was feeling unwell.
"Can I come see you again in a few days?"
"No, you can't come anymore. This is an exception, otherwise neither of us should live."
Uncle Chen didn't expect Mom to be so resolute. After a few seconds of silence, "Okay, I understand. I... I'm leaving." Then I heard the sound of the door opening and closing; she must have left.
I stayed in the bathroom for a while before coming out. Mom's face showed no sign of anything unusual. She was still making dinner for me as usual, but I knew that she and Uncle Chen were definitely hiding something from me. Deep down,
I could vaguely guess what was going on, but I just didn't want to face it. As long as I didn't see it with my own eyes, it might not be true, and I was just overthinking it. I comforted myself with that thought.
Later, Uncle Chen kept his promise to Mom and never came to my house again. My dad's work also started to get on track, and he had more free time, no longer being away from home every few days like before.
Time flew by, and in the blink of an eye, I was already in my final year of junior high. In a few months, it would be the high school entrance exam, but for me, it wasn't that important. Everyone else was pushing themselves to get into a top high school, while I only needed to attend an ordinary one, so the pressure wasn't as great. Su Wen, however, was different. He had excellent grades, consistently ranking among the top students in his class, and his teachers had high hopes for him.
My average grades were largely due to studying with him on weekends, which also brought our families closer. Later, I learned from my mother that Su Wen's father and Aunt Su had divorced long ago, and Aunt Su was raising Su Wen alone—a single-parent family. It
suddenly dawned on me then that Su Wen's withdrawn personality was no surprise; I realized it was likely related to his family background.
For a while afterward, I especially enjoyed going to Su Wen's house to play and study with him. The reason was that ever since that day when Uncle Chen came to my house, a shadow had been cast over my heart. Although I didn't have direct evidence to prove that my mother and Uncle Chen were having an affair, this thought clung to the depths of my heart like a shadow, refusing to leave.
Whenever I saw my mother chatting and laughing with my father, asking about my health and grades with concern, I would always think that everything this woman did was an act, that she was having an affair with another man behind my father's and my back. Just thinking this, all her kindness immediately turned into dirty malice.
In the last few months before the high school entrance exam, I often went to Su Wen's house to review my lessons with him, not because I planned to study hard to get into a top high school, but because there was someone I wanted to see there—Aunt Su.
Compared to my mother, Su Wen's mother suddenly seemed incredibly admirable in my eyes. Her gentleness and kindness constantly warmed my heart. For a while, I longed to see her every day, every moment. How wonderful it would be if she were my mother!
"Ding-dong... Ding-dong..." I rang Su Wen's doorbell, and after a while, Aunt Su opened the door.
"Oh! Chengcheng's here. Wenwen isn't home today!"
I hadn't expected this bad timing; I had originally planned to ask Su Wen some questions.
"Don't stand outside, come in quickly. He might not be back for a while."
I had originally planned to leave, but since Aunt Su said so, I pretended to be obedient and entered the house. This was one of the reasons I came here—to talk to her more and see her more.
"Here, have a glass of water first!"
"Don't bother, I can do it myself."
"You're still being so polite with Auntie, or Auntie will get angry."
Sometimes Aunt Su would act like a little girl, and perhaps it was this mentality that made her look much younger than other women her age.
"How's your studying going lately? Don't put too much pressure on yourself." Aunt Su handed me a glass of water.
"It's alright, that's about my confidence level. I probably have no chance of getting into a top high school, but I'm pretty sure I'll get into a regular one."
"Hehe, you're such a playful kid. If you studied hard, with your intelligence, you wouldn't have trouble getting into a good high school." "
Then I'll just stay like this. Sitting there all day, not moving at all, would be so uncomfortable. I can't learn from Wen."
"Sigh, Wenwen has no choice. He doesn't like playing with people and only goes to home and school. Luckily, he made you his friend, and he's become much bolder than before."
"That's good. I've also learned a lot from Wen, otherwise my grades would still be at the bottom of the class!"
"Oh! I forgot, I left my clothes outside and haven't brought them in yet. It's going to rain soon." Saying this, Aunt Su immediately stood up from the sofa and went to the balcony.
"In that case, Auntie, I'll head back now. I didn't bring an umbrella, and I won't be able to get back later."
"Wait! Finish your meal before you leave. What's the rush? I have an umbrella here. If you leave, I'll get angry."
I usually stay here to eat if I study late. This place has almost become my second home. My parents know I went to Su Wen's house, so they're not worried even if I go back a little late.
After making up my mind, I sat down comfortably. I glanced unintentionally at the balcony, where Auntie was collecting laundry. I don't know if her clothes didn't fit or had shrunk, but when she raised her hand, the hem of her clothes rode up, revealing her fair and slender waist.
Although it was just a side view, I already had an indescribable feeling for Auntie Su, a feeling that was both admiration and dependence, hard to define.
"I'll go put the clothes away first, Chengcheng, take care of yourself!"
Just as Auntie was about to walk past me, she suddenly tripped over something, fell forward, and scattered the clothes in the basket all over the ground.
"Auntie, are you alright? How are you?" I quickly helped her up.
"I'm fine, I'm fine, I don't worry about walking at all, Auntie's alright."
Seeing that she was alright, I breathed a sigh of relief and quickly helped her pick up the clothes from the ground.
"Huh? This is..." As I was taking the clothes from the ground back into the basket one by one, I suddenly found a purple thong, which made me feel completely bewildered.
In those days, thongs were considered very avant-garde underwear, and women with more traditional views would find them difficult to accept, but I never expected that Auntie would buy such a thing.
"Ah!" Auntie exclaimed in surprise when she saw me holding her personal items. Startled, I was even more flustered and quickly tossed the thong into the basket, pretending nothing had happened. I hurriedly stuffed the rest of my things into the basket as well.
"Auntie, all done." When I handed the basket to Auntie Su, she looked down at the ground, avoiding my gaze, gave a soft reply, and quickly went to her room.
I knew I couldn't stay there any longer, so I shouted into the bedroom, "I'm going back now," ignoring Auntie Su's reaction, and rushed out the door.
For a long time afterward, I didn't dare go to Su Wen's house. When Su Wen asked me what was wrong, I could only make up excuses.
Not long after I learned I had passed the high school entrance exam, my parents informed me that they were divorced. I can't describe the situation or my feelings at the time; I just felt that if this was a dream, I begged it to wake up! However, in the end, my father still left us and went to another city, leaving me, still in a daze and unable to believe the truth, and my mother, who was crying her eyes out.
I didn't ask about the specific reason for their divorce at the time, but later I roughly guessed from some of my mother's words that it was probably related to that Uncle Chen. I don't know when my father found out about this, but he endured it until now before divorcing me. I am very grateful to him. I am not sad at all for him doing this; on the contrary, I feel a sense of relief for him.
As for my mother, for a long time afterward, I hardly spoke to her. Except for meals and asking for money, I basically didn't see her.
Around the time I was in my second year of high school, she told me that she wanted to get married and had found an uncle. I directly asked her, "Is it that Uncle Chen?" She was stunned by my question. She probably didn't expect her son to know her secret!
Then she said, "So you knew all along," which further confirmed my guess from back then and the reason for her divorce. She wanted to explain further, but I ignored her, turned around, and went back to my room, leaving her with the words, "If you want to get married, do whatever you want."
Not long after, my mother got married. The groom wasn't that Uncle Chen; his surname was Yi. He came to see me once the day before the wedding,
and I didn't respond to his advances, simply locking myself in my room. After my mother's marriage, she moved in with Uncle Yi, only returning on weekends. During the week, she would leave me plenty of money or come over to cook me a meal. My hatred for her grew daily. Seeing her living a happy and comfortable life now made me feel sorry for my father. I gradually stopped seeing her as my mother and started seeing her as a woman—a woman I both loved and hated.

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Those Years' Oedipus Diaries

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