I recount the past.

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April 4, 2020 at 9:45 AM. Today is March 12, 2020. This is my first time posting something like this, so I'm a little nervous. I'm not very well-educated; I only graduated from junior high school and then went south to work. I don't have much writing talent, and my narrative skills aren't strong. I just wanted to vent. When I'm free, I write about the past and my memories.

The reason I'm so free now is because I'm working as someone's lover. My employer is at work during the day, and I'm left alone at home, which is very boring. I'm tired of watching TV, tired of reading novels, and I don't understand how to play games. I wanted to find something to do, so I decided to write a memoir. I'll write down as much as I can remember, and I can also pour out many secrets that have been hidden in my heart for many years.

I was born in 1993, a girl from Hubei. When I was little, I lived with my parents in the county town. My parents rented an entire floor, borrowed money to renovate it, and opened a small hotel. In many people's eyes, I was an obedient and well-behaved girl. Although I was just average, I would do chores around the house and change the bedding and towels in the guest rooms every day. Life was peaceful and comfortable. For ten years, my family lived a simple life, taking care of the mundane routines of cooking and cleaning. Though it was uneventful, it was quite happy.

The benefit of helping my parents was that I could earn more pocket money if I did a good job, so I was always eager to help. Every evening after school, I would come to the hotel to change the sheets for hourly guests. Weekends were even busier, as I was busy changing sheets and cleaning rooms from morning till night.

Our hotel was next to a nearby high school, and most of the guests were older students. Walking down the corridor, I could often hear the girls moaning and groaning in the rooms, and sometimes even screaming. Afterwards, the room I cleaned was always a mess, and the sheets were often wet. I wondered how adults could wet the bed so easily. At first, I thought the boys were bullying the girls, but every time they left the room, the girls acted like nothing was wrong and were even friendly with the boys. I was very puzzled. When I was in first grade, I asked my mother what they were doing, and she frowned and told me not to ask. I didn't dare ask, but I was always very curious. As I grew older, I understood things a little better.

When I was in fourth grade, a younger brother joined our family. It was a joyous occasion, and I was happy too, as it meant another family member. However, my father favored boys over girls and always wanted a son. My mother had been pregnant once before, but secretly asked a friend at the hospital to find out it was a girl, so she had an abortion. I was so glad I was their first child; if my brother had been born before me, there probably wouldn't have been any need for me, their daughter. My

brother's birth was considered an extra birth, and the penalties for having more children than allowed in mainland China are very severe. Our family was fined 20,000 yuan, a huge sum for an ordinary family in our small county in the 1990s. After my brother's birth, the monthly expenses for formula and supplements were considerable, and our finances suddenly became tight.

My allowance was cut in half, and my mother couldn't afford to buy meat every day like before. One weekend, I was sleeping in late when my parents woke me up. My mother suddenly yelled, "You're useless! If you could earn money, would you be so pitiful? I'd rather go back to my parents' house than stay with you!" My parents are both very gentle people and rarely argued before, but since our family's finances became tight, they've started bickering more often. Lately, they've been arguing so much that I'm feeling very stressed and depressed. Money really is a wonderful thing; without it, a family can't be happy.

One day in fifth grade, I came home from school. Before I even opened the door, I heard a woman chuckling. Two female guests were chatting with my dad. One was chubby; I couldn't tell if she was genuinely fair-skinned or if she was wearing too much foundation, but her false eyelashes were fluttering. My dad called her Sister Yue. The other girl was about seventeen or eighteen years old; my dad called her Xiaoyun. Sister Xiaoyun was very pretty, with an oval face, big eyes, and a playful voice.

Not long after I entered, my mom came in from outside carrying some fruit and drinks, greeting them with a smile. My mom glanced at me, paused slightly as if she remembered something, and told me to go back to my room and do my homework. I wasn't really interested in listening to their conversation, but the delicious food my mother brought back attracted me. I was reluctant to leave, looking at the food. Sister Xiaoyun, seeing my reluctance, chuckled and quickly handed me some snacks and drinks from the table. I thought Sister Xiaoyun was so kind. I

couldn't hear clearly through the door, as they were discussing some kind of business, but I heard the plump aunt repeatedly say things like, "I guarantee you'll make a fortune," "Xiaoyun is the top courtesan she poached from XX city," and "taking clients."

Although I was only 11 years old, I vaguely understood that Sister Yue and the others were going to do that kind of business with us. To put it bluntly, it was a brothel. Wasn't Wei Xiaobao's mother in the TV series doing that kind of work? It just felt a little strange.

The term "taking clients" had always intrigued me since I understood these things. My family owned a hotel, and although I hadn't witnessed those things firsthand, couples often came to our hotel to book rooms, so I knew more about this than my peers.

During the seven-day May Day holiday, while other classmates were out having fun, it was a much more tiring time for me. I spent most of my time helping out at home. May is very hot, and these older students seemed to be suffering from the heat, so they all came to the hotel to cool off. Moans could always be heard coming from the rooms in the hotel corridor, but thankfully, I got used to it after a while. Some of the older students were regulars who had been there many times, and some even liked to greet me and joke around.

May 1st was a busy day for our family. We didn't finish cleaning the guest rooms from the previous night until 2 pm. The afternoons are usually busiest when people are checking in. When I finished cleaning the bedding in a room at the end of the corridor and came out, I noticed that the door opposite wasn't closed properly, and a young woman's pleading moans were leaking from the crack. My heart tightened instantly. One more step and I would see a scene I had been curious about for years. I hesitated for a moment, but my body, as if possessed, took that step forward.

At that moment, I froze. It was the first time I had ever seen such a scene of intimacy between a man and a woman. The young man and woman were completely naked. The young man lay on the bed, and the young woman lay on top of him with her legs spread wide. Her entire body, from her toes to her chest, was exposed to me, and a large penis was inserted into her. The young woman's head was tilted back on the young man's shoulder, her gaze just avoiding mine, but the young man, whose head was facing the door, suddenly saw me. I trembled all over, but my legs felt weak and I couldn't move. He paused for a moment after seeing me, then smiled and winked at me. I felt my heart pounding, and inexplicably, I stood in the doorway without leaving.

The young man seemed smug when he saw that I hadn't left, and then, as if suddenly energized, his whole body began to move. It was the first time I'd ever seen a man's penis so large when erect. The young woman's vagina was stretched wide open, and his penis was thrusting in and out rapidly. The young man had one hand pressing on her clitoris while the other was frantically kneading her breasts. He must have gotten even more excited after seeing me, because the young woman screamed. Her vagina overflowed with fluid, soaking the sheets. Now I understood why people often wet the bed when I clean their sheets.

The young woman trembled violently from the penetration, her legs pressed tightly together on the bed, her hands gripping the sheets tightly. After a minute or so, her whole body began to convulse. The young man grinned and became even more frenzied, his thrusts becoming so fast they were almost invisible. His hands squeezed her breasts so tightly they were deformed. The poor girl's moans seemed to turn into screams. After about two minutes, the young man roared and began thrusting violently into her lower body, the slapping sounds loud. After a few thrusts, he thrust in tightly, and the young man trembled. The girl also convulsed again, her abdomen shaking. The young man slowed down and pulled out his penis. Even without his penis, her vagina remained open, and a thick, white fluid flowed out as his penis was withdrawn.

The girl lay limply on the young man's body, her chest heaving violently. When the girl stopped trembling, the young man let out a long breath, raised his head, and glanced at me with a playful look. His predatory gaze brought me to my senses, and I hurriedly looked away and walked to the side.

I ran to the empty guest room next door, closed the door, my heart pounding, my mind filled with the scene from just now. The young man's penis kept appearing in my mind, refusing to leave. I simply lay down on the guest bed, closed my eyes, and recalled the scene. My hand involuntarily went down into her underwear. I discovered that I was quite wet down there, with faint watermarks on my underwear. I couldn't help but rub my clitoris; the feeling was so good, I felt a strong urge but didn't know what I wanted. I rubbed my clitoris in a daze, and before I knew it, my hands were wet.

While I was absentmindedly touching my clitoris, my mother's call startled me awake. I hurriedly got up, tidied myself, and left.

I knew this was masturbation; I'd heard of it before, but I never thought I'd do it myself. I couldn't concentrate at work all afternoon, constantly reminded of that scene and overwhelmed by guilt.

That evening, after showering, I locked myself in my room. With the lights off, images of young men and women kept flooding my mind. My hand involuntarily reached down again.

I fantasized about being that young woman, the young man holding me tightly, kissing me, and caressing my breasts. My left hand grasped my still-developing breasts, rubbing my nipples, which gave me a slight pleasure. My right hand rubbed my clitoris, making my underwear wet. I tried to insert my hand, but the resistance was painful, so I gave up; I still didn't dare break my hymen. So, with my left hand touching my newly developed breasts and my right hand rubbing my clitoris, I wanted to moan but dared not make a sound. When my right hand got tired, I switched to my left. It was getting increasingly wet and slippery down there. I worked on my clitoris for over ten minutes, and it started to become more and more sensitive. I couldn't help but rub it frantically, and then suddenly my whole body trembled as if I'd been electrocuted, my lower abdomen convulsing. I clenched my teeth to keep quiet, my legs tightly clamped around my hands, and urine spurted out with each spasm.

I knew I had an orgasm, but I was only 11 years old. After my body recovered, I felt a great sense of guilt. I couldn't quite put my finger on what was wrong, but I felt like this wasn't something a 12-year-old girl should be doing.

The next day, I took the sheets to wash early, terrified of being caught wetting the bed.
Today was another busy day, just like yesterday, but I kept thinking about peeking through the cracks in the doors. Every time I went to a guest room, I couldn't help but glance to make sure the door was closed properly. But ultimately, I didn't witness what happened yesterday. Lying in bed at night, my hand couldn't help but reach down there. Despite feeling guilty, the pleasurable sensation was irresistible…

During the summer vacation after fifth grade, our family's inn started renovations. The inn was constantly bustling with activity as several workers worked overtime to renovate it.

During this time, the chubby Yuejie visited our inn many times, each time bringing several girls. My parents always treated them very well. But I always felt that my dad's gaze towards those girls was strange. They said that once the renovations were finished, they would all come and work as guests. The

renovations took about a month. The inn instantly became much more upscale. The old, worn-out light bulbs were replaced with chandeliers like those seen on TV, reminiscent of European aristocrats. Red carpets were laid on the floor, soft to walk on, and the corridor walls were covered with golden wallpaper and hung with many murals. However, those murals were all very sexy pictures of beautiful women, some with exposed breasts posing seductively on beds. Even as a child, I felt quite embarrassed looking at them.

I'll write more when I have time. I'm learning how to write now, and my writing is terrible at first, so please don't laugh at me!
To be continued...

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I recount the past.

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