A compilation of classic jokes and anecdotes that will make you laugh until you vomit blood. Which one haven't you seen before?

page views:1 Publication date:2022-04-14

1. A reporter interviewed an elderly woman. The reporter asked, "What do you think about the issue of people setting off firecrackers indiscriminately in the city?" The elderly woman replied, "What else can I think? I just climb out the window to watch..."
2. The doctor asked the patient how he broke his bone. The patient said, "I felt sand in my shoe, so I leaned against a telephone pole to shake it out. Then some jerk walked by, thought I was being electrocuted, and hit me twice with a stick!"
3. [McDull's Views on Love] 1. Love is like poop; it comes and you can't stop it. 2. Love is like poop; once flushed away, it's gone forever. 3. Love is like poop; every time it's the same, yet slightly different. 4. Love is like poop; sometimes you try so hard but it's just a fart!
4. A woman went to see a doctor on her second day of marriage because she felt dizzy. The doctor asked, "What's wrong?" She replied, "I took 20 birth control pills." The doctor asked again, "Why didn't you take them according to the instructions?" She replied, "I did take them according to the instructions; it said one pill at a time." The doctor...
5. China Unicom Launches iPhone-Specific WoXin to Compete with WeChat [According to sources], China Unicom will continue to launch products specifically designed for iPhone, including a charging dock called "WoCao," a phone stand called "WoKao," a screen cleaning cloth called "WoCai," a map app called "WoQu," a calendar widget called "WoRi," and a music player called "WoLeGeQu"!
6. If Ruoxi really traveled from the modern era, then her normal reaction in the scene where she almost got hit by the Fourth Prince for the first time should be: Ah, Nicky Wu!
7. I have a habit when registering websites: when asked to enter my real name, I fill in "Zhang Xinlang" for Sina, "Zhang Yahu" for Yahoo, "Zhang Xiaoqi" for Erqilu Forum, "Zhang Baidu" for Baidu, and "Zhang Google" for Google. Today I received a call asking, "Is this Ms. Zhang Jianshe?" I know, the bank sold my personal information...
8. Female freshmen, don't trust the sophomores; they're just like you, fresh out of university and not very mature. Don't trust the juniors either; they've been lonely for a long time and aren't truly sincere. Trust the seniors. They've lost the naiveté of freshmen, the impetuosity of sophomores, and the wasted time of juniors. They're about to become pillars of the nation, mature, stable, humorous, and have plenty of time for you! Most importantly, they've waited for you for three years—it's genuine!
9. My grandfather told me that he only used "half a peck of rice" to marry my grandmother; my father told me that he used "half a pig" to marry my mother; and when I get married, it will cost my parents "half their lives".
10. On the way home from kindergarten in the evening, my child said to me, "Dad, I'm tired." I said to my child, "Let's count to three, and then Dad will carry you, okay?" My child happily agreed. Then, I loudly said, "Ready—forward!" 1, 2, 1; 1, 2, 1; 1, 2, 1... We walked all the way home...
11. The boss had just entered the office when the department manager's wife barged in, waving a pair of women's panties at him. She said, "My husband came home last night wearing women's underwear! You have to do something about this!" The boss nodded repeatedly, agreeing readily, and casually stuffed the panties into his pocket. That evening, when the boss's wife was doing laundry, she found the panties in his pocket and said, "Don't play jokes like that again! It made people look for you all day!"
12. My mom received a call saying her XX bank credit card had an outstanding fee. My mom said, "You're definitely a scammer; banks use automated systems." The other end hung up. A few days later, she received another call saying, "This is a voicemail message. Your XX bank account has an outstanding fee. For details, please press 9." My mom said, "I don't have a 9 on my phone." The other end said, "How is that possible?" My mom said, "Isn't this an automated message?" The other end hung up.
13. Suddenly discovered an effective way to test if a boyfriend understands a girl's feelings! "I feel so bad, I think I have a fever." "Fever? Poor thing, going to work with a fever, do you want me to pick you up...?" — That's understanding girls; there's another kind that doesn't understand girls — "Drink more water!" Every time I hear this, I don't know why, but it makes me angry... Drink water my ass...
14. [Harvard Classic Case] The woman had just finished showering when the doorbell rang. It was her male neighbor. He asked, "What's up?" She replied, "Nothing much." He said, "Take off your bathrobe, and I'll give you 3000 yuan." The woman hesitated for a moment, then gritted her teeth and took it off. Once inside, her husband asked, "Who knocked?" She answered, "The neighbor next door." The husband said, "He borrowed 3000 yuan from me yesterday; he's here to pay it back, right?" The woman was immediately dumbfounded. Moral: Don't make decisions under temptation; the greater the temptation, the deeper the trap.
15. On the bus, a young mother was breastfeeding her baby. The baby wasn't eating properly, so the mother got angry and said to the child, "Are you going to eat or not? If not, I'll give it to the uncle next to me!" She said this several times. The uncle sitting next to her couldn't help but say, "My little prince, give me a straight answer, are you going to eat or not? I've already missed my stop two stops!"
16. [Emperor Zhongzong of Tang, Li Xian, was the most powerful emperor in history.] Why? Because—he himself was an emperor, his father was an emperor, his brother was an emperor, his son was an emperor, his nephew was an emperor, and, most importantly, his mother was also an emperor. Thus, history gave Li Xian a glorious title: the "Six-Emperor Pill."
17. In this world, those who are slow to react will be played to death, those with poor abilities will be idled to death, those with timidity will be scared to death, those with low alcohol tolerance will be forced to drink themselves to death, those with poor health will be worked to death, those who speak frankly will be persecuted to death, and those who are capable of working will be used to death. Therefore, don't take anything too seriously. Otherwise, you'll be in heaven while your money is in the bank.
18. A woman was taking her baby to the doctor. The male doctor examined the baby, then touched the woman's breasts. He said, "Insufficient breast milk; the baby is malnourished!" The woman angrily retorted, "You bastard, didn't you even ask first before touching me?! I'm the baby's aunt!!"
19. At a company dinner, a female colleague got drunk, so I had to drive her home. Afraid of misunderstandings, I didn't tell my wife. The next morning, as I was driving my wife to work, I suddenly noticed a woman's shoe near her feet. Taking advantage of the moment she looked out the window, I quickly picked it up and threw it out the window, finally breathing a sigh of relief. When we arrived at her workplace, she exclaimed, "Huh? Where's my other shoe?"
20. Best friend: How did you end up with your husband? He's not a good match for you at all. He's poor and ugly. Woman: On the day of my blind date, an old lady fell down next to me. Without thinking, he carried her to the hospital. When we got back, I asked him if he wasn't afraid of being accused of something. He said it was what he should do. I thought to myself, such a kind person is so rare. Best friend: Oh, really rare. What happened to that old lady? Woman: What happened? She became my mother-in-law…
21. Mrs. Wang was pregnant with quadruplets and boasted to all her neighbors that it was very rare to have quadruplets, happening only once in 60,000 pregnancies. Mrs. Li was astonished: "Then how do you still have time to do housework?"
22. My son is 7 years old and usually calls me by my first name, which I'm used to. One day, we went to Tesco. On the escalator, he called me by my first name again: "..." My wife objected and lectured him, "From now on, you should call me 'Dad,' understand?" For some reason, my son looked bewildered, opened his innocent eyes, and called out, "Dad." At first, I didn't think much of it, but then I noticed the extremely complicated looks people on the escalator were giving me.
23. A Black driver picked up a white mother and son. The son asked, "Why is the driver's skin color different from ours?" The mother replied, "God created people of different colors to make the world more colorful." When they arrived at their destination, the Black driver insisted on not taking the money. He said, "When I was little, I asked my mother the same question. She said that because we are Black, we are destined to be inferior. If she had given you the answer, I would have achieved something different today."
24. Wukong: "Release my master immediately! Or don't blame me for using my magic weapon!!!" Spider Demon: "Tch, bring it on, I'm not afraid!" Sun Wukong pulls out a 4GB USB drive, and the Spider Demon's face changes drastically! Sun Wukong then pulls out a 400GB hard drive, and the Spider Demon's eyes roll back, asking in a trembling voice, "Who gave you this?" Sun Wukong: "Spider-Man." The Spider Demon vomits blood and dies: "My ex-boyfriend is unreliable!"
25. A visitor from out of town arrived in the capital and noticed a strange phenomenon upon entering. Everyone in the city wore a stern face and never smiled. Hearing that the capital was banning knives, he wondered why banning knives had caused such a commotion. The visitor whispered, "What's going on here?" The vendor replied, "They're banned." The visitor was even more surprised: "Banned? Even smiling is banned?" The vendor explained, "That word can't be spoken either." The visitor was astonished: "Why?" The vendor whispered in his ear, "Because a smile can conceal a knife."
26. A netizen's status: I got an upset stomach a couple of days ago, and there are thunderstorms in the anus area.
27. According to the latest news from the General Office of the State Council: In order to reduce the burden on the people, effective immediately, the four ministries under the State Council—the Ministry of Labor, the Ministry of Civil Affairs, the Ministry of Commerce, and the Ministry of Finance—have been merged into one ministry, referred to as the Ministry of Labor, Civil Affairs, and Finance.
28. One day in class, the teacher was talking about arsenic and said, "Pan Jinlian didn't study chemistry. If she had, she could have given Wu Dalang the water from which he steamed buns, without needing arsenic (repeatedly boiled water is poisonous), and Wu Song wouldn't have discovered it and gotten her killed." A sycophantic kid loudly echoed this. At that moment, a deep male voice said, "Wu Dalang sells pancakes, doesn't he?" The whole class burst into laughter, and the teacher and the kid were speechless.
29. A boy invited the girl he liked to go up the mountain to see the night view. The city lights were beautiful. A cool breeze blew by, and the boy looked down and asked, "Are you cold?" The girl thought he was so considerate and smiled, replying, "No, thank you!" The boy said, "Then could you take off your coat and let me wear it? I'm so cold..."
30. At a gathering, a few guys were talking about what happens after offending their wives. They always came up with the same old methods: kneeling on a washboard, kneeling on a keyboard, kneeling on a motherboard. One guy bragged that his wife loved him dearly and would never kneel on any of those. Everyone teased him, urging him to call his wife on speakerphone and repeat the above choices. His wife said, "Kneeling on those hurts so much! How could you be so mean!" We asked, "Then what should you kneel on?" His wife was silent for a long time: "Kneel on instant noodles, but don't let any crumbs fall!"
31. One day, I went to an antique shop to hunt for treasures. The shop owner, with his discerning eye, realized I was a complete novice. So, after a long, rambling conversation that left me dizzy, he boasted, "Look around, everything is genuine!" I slowly walked over to a pile of bronze artifacts and suddenly saw a bronze bust of Chairman Mao. The style was old-fashioned but very imposing. Holding it in my hand and examining it, I was surprised to find an inscription on the base of the statue: "Made by Imperial Order during the Qianlong Reign."
32. In 2023, Putin and Medvedev were in a coffee shop. Putin said, "We're getting old, I can't even remember who's the prime minister and who's the president now." Medvedev replied, "You are now!" Putin said, "Oh! Then you should go get me a cup of coffee!" Medvedev said, "Okay..." and muttered, turning around, "Forget it, when I was president, I was the one who got you coffee..." (This is something netizens on the Erqilu forum know.)
33. "Hey... bro! Help me collect my laundry tonight?" "No, come back and collect it yourself." "Screw you!" When I got back to the dorm, the clothes were already in the closet. "Get me some food." "Get my ass, no way." "Oh, okay, get it for me?" Before leaving, he turned around and impatiently asked, "What do you want to eat?" Would you dare yell at your girlfriend and expect her to cook everything for you? Conclusion: Best buddies are for life.
34. This morning on my way to work, I passed a key-cutting stall and overheard a young woman ask the owner, "Sir, can you make keys?" The owner replied, "Sure." Then, the woman stood there dumbfounded, and the owner stared at her for a long time... silence... Finally, the owner couldn't help but ask, "Where are your keys?" The woman replied, "Keys? Why would I come to you to make keys if I had them?" The owner:........
35. In Chinese class, the teacher asked Xiaohua to make a sentence using "Great Wall". Xiaohua answered, "The Great Wall is very long." The teacher was displeased: "No, make another one!" Xiaohua said, "I can't, I'm not Qin Shi Huang!"
36. Girl: "Let's break up." Boy: "Why?" Girl: "Flashing Android is easy, I've learned how." Boy: "But you only know how to flash stock Android." Girl: "..." Boy: "Didn't you know Android phones can also be flashed with WP7 and iOS?" Girl: "Ugh, why didn't you say so sooner?"
37. Today's work was relatively easy. When I passed by the receptionist, she said, "You're so free!" I jokingly asked her, "Have you ever licked me?" The receptionist looked confused.
38. Once, my classmate asked me which department another classmate was in at the hospital. I couldn't remember, and it seemed like it was both internal medicine and acupuncture, so I said she was in the "guilt department".

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A compilation of classic jokes and anecdotes that will make you laugh until you vomit blood. Which one haven't you seen before?

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