It started with being harassed.

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-24

“This is Xiao Gang. Actually, I was the one who called you from the very beginning… I’m sorry, for over 10 years, I’ve never let anyone know about this. If you hadn’t been so eager to hear it, I wouldn’t have wanted to be interviewed at all… But it’s good to talk about it, so you can know how much pain I’m in.”
I’m 31 years old this year, and I’ve had this problem for over 10 years. Actually, I was a victim at first too. Over the years, I’ve gradually gone from being harassed to harassing others. I received a very traditional and conservative education growing up, and until I was 17, I didn’t understand anything about relationships between men and women. But it was something that happened when I was 17 that completely changed my life. It was summer vacation, it was very hot, and one night I was bored, so I went for a walk on the street. I passed by a movie theater, and seeing that it was crowded, I went in to watch a movie. When it was almost halfway through, a woman suddenly came over and sat down in the empty seat next to me. About two or three minutes later, the woman started leaning towards me, breathing on my face—I turned my head and saw that she was very ugly, probably in her thirties, with what looked like scars on half her face—she was smiling at me, her voice somewhat terrifying, and I felt my hair stand on end. “Little brother, don’t be afraid. I like you so much,” the woman said, laughing, and then she reached out and touched my chest, then my genitals… Before this, I had never been touched by a woman. I was terrified, overwhelmed with shame, and couldn’t breathe. After the movie ended, my face flushed, I walked at the back of the crowd, terrified that someone I knew would see me. After that, I couldn’t sleep for two nights. On one hand, I felt like I had been played by that woman, and my life was over; on the other hand, I began to slowly relive that moment of losing control, feeling restless and anxious.
On the third night, I finally couldn’t control myself and, as if possessed, went back to that movie theater, hoping to meet that woman again and have another chance, but she didn’t appear. I went a few more times after that, but never saw her again. I often couldn't sleep at night because of this. Summer vacation ended, and school started. It took about 40 minutes by bus to get from my home to school. The buses were usually very crowded, and on the first day of school, I squeezed onto one as usual. In the crowd, as the bus swayed, I felt myself very close to a woman behind me, and I could even smell her hair… The scene in the movie theater suddenly flashed through my mind, and I felt like I couldn't control my body anymore, pressing myself against her buttocks… Afterwards, my face turned bright red, and I was worried about being discovered, but no one around, including the woman in front of me, noticed. From then on, I became addicted, doing it once or twice every week or two…
To make it easier, I mostly waited for particularly crowded buses before squeezing on. I was very worried about being discovered, but I couldn't control myself. Once, I was discovered; the woman grabbed me and yelled "pervert!" Luckily, the bus was pulling into a stop, and I hurriedly got off amidst the laughter of the surrounding crowd. I was still in school then. After the incident, I skipped school and ran up a mountain to cry for a long time. I swore to God I would never do anything so shameful again. After that, for a long time, I stopped taking the bus to and from school and walked instead. I told my family I wanted to exercise. But after a while, the weather got too cold, and my family wouldn't let me walk anymore, insisting I take the bus. I thought, so much time has passed, and I'm wearing thick clothes in winter, I probably won't do it again. So I started taking the bus to school again. About a week passed, and although the bus was sometimes crowded, I tried not to think about what happened at the movie theater, and it was fine. However, on the weekend when I went home from school, the bus was especially crowded. A woman in front of me probably unconsciously flicked her long hair, which hit my face. Just then, someone squeezed in from behind, pressing me tightly behind that woman… Maybe because I had been suppressing my feelings for so long, I couldn't control myself.
Actually, every time I finished doing that, I felt a deep sense of guilt and was tormented by pain. But that fleeting pleasure kept replaying in my mind, making me feel uneasy and compelled to do it against my will. And so, I sank deeper and deeper, completely unable to extricate myself. Besides walking, as mentioned earlier, I tried many other methods, such as avoiding buses that were crowded or had many women; closing my eyes and listening to music while on the bus; even wearing three or four pairs of thick underwear… But these methods only worked temporarily, only a few times, and ultimately I failed. I secretly read books on the subject and visited
hospitals in other cities several times, including very famous ones, trying to control myself and change my behavior according to the methods in the books and from the doctors, but nothing worked. I even couldn't help myself and did it on the bus to the hospital.
[The End]

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It started with being harassed.

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