The latest jokes are all collected.

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My 7-year-old niece insisted on taking a bath with me, and while we were bathing, she kept saying, "Auntie, why are your breasts so small?"
I broke out in a cold sweat: "How is it small? How is it small?!"
My little niece gave me a pitiful look and comforted me, "It's okay, mine is small too~"
A friend of mine (a PhD student from Tsinghua University) flew to Hong Kong.
I had just sat down when I suddenly realized that Jay Chou was sitting next to me!
After staring at him for a while, Jay Chou seemed quite embarrassed, so he finally said, "Hello, I'm Jay Chou. Do you want my autograph?"
The guy got furious immediately and retorted angrily, "I'm a PhD from Tsinghua University, do you want my autograph?!"
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A Chinese student was involved in a car accident on a foreign highway; the car plunged off a cliff. When traffic police arrived, they shouted down to the scene:
How are you?
The international student replied, "I'm fine, thank you!" Then the traffic police left, and the international student died.
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With an annual income between 3 million and 10 million, you can buy any house outside the Second Ring Road you like;
Annual income between 1 million and 3 million yuan – buy any house outside the Third Ring Road you like;
Annual income between 300,000 and 1,000,000 yuan – buy a house anywhere outside the Fourth Ring Road; annual income between 150,000 and 300,000 yuan – buy a house anywhere outside the Fifth Ring Road; annual income between 80,000 and 150,000 yuan – buy a house anywhere outside the Sixth Ring Road; annual income below 30,000 yuan – dig a hole and bury yourself wherever you want!
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I accompanied a friend to meet someone he met online via taxi.
When we were almost there,
My friend pointed to an extremely ugly girl not far away and said to the driver:
"Did you see that woman?"
"I see it, should I stop there?"
"No, run her over!!!"
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My classmate's girlfriend is exceptionally beautiful and has many suitors, causing him a lot of headaches. One day, his girlfriend received a suitor from a top medical student. My classmate knew the suitor meant trouble, so he tentatively asked, "So, what's your attitude?"
The girlfriend replied, "I rejected him without even thinking!"
My classmate was very pleased and then asked, "How did he ask you out?"
The girlfriend replied, "He asked me if I wanted to see a dead body together!"
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One day, my classmate (girl) went to the bank to withdraw money. She thought she still had a few dozen yuan left and decided to withdraw it all at once. So she said to the bank teller in a very loud and arrogant voice, "Withdraw all the money in here!"
As soon as the bank teller swiped the card, she looked up and earnestly said to my classmate through the loudspeaker, "There's only one dollar and fifty cents in there. Do you want to withdraw it all?"
There were many people queuing behind me at the time...
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In my final semester of university, I worked on my graduation project in the same lab as a male classmate. He was a typical tech guy—very technically skilled, with excellent luck, but rather reserved and rarely spoke to girls.
One day, I was writing my thesis until midnight when I remembered to go back to my dorm. When I got to the stairwell, I found that the lights were already off, the hallway was pitch black and eerily quiet, it was so damn quiet!
There was nothing I could do, so I went back to the lab and found the man still engrossed in his paper. I asked him to come down with me, and he readily agreed.
When we reached the pitch-black stairwell, he generously said to me, "Here, give me your hand!"
I was so touched at the time. What a kind and helpful classmate, what a gentlemanly man!
Could he be my future husband?
So I reached out my warm little hands...
He took my hand and gently placed it on the stair railing, saying, "Don't be afraid, you can walk down by yourself holding onto this..."
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One evening during self-study in fifth grade, everyone was behaving well, and the classroom was completely silent. Suddenly, the homeroom teacher stormed in, yelling, "Who was moving their desk so loudly just now?"
We were completely bewildered, exchanging bewildered glances; none of us had ever moved the table. Seeing our silence, the homeroom teacher grew even angrier: "Do you know that all the teachers in the school are having a meeting downstairs? You're making such a scene here, you've completely disgraced me!"
(Note: The teaching affairs office is located right below our classroom.)
After a long silence, just as the homeroom teacher's anger was reaching its peak, one of the boys suddenly realized what was happening and shouted, "We didn't move the desks, it was XX who farted!"
The homeroom teacher was stunned for a long time, then whispered in a trembling voice, "Was a fart really that loud?"
The whole class shouted excitedly in unison, "Yes!"
After he shouted, everyone came to their senses and then burst into laughter!
Wow~~~~~This is a true story. We always called that guy "Big Cannon." ==========
At the temple fair, the barber and the spicy soup vendor got into an argument.
The barber, while shaving a customer's head, cursed: "You're selling a bunch of crap hot and sour soup, what makes you so great?!" The hot and sour soup seller retorted: "You're shaving a bunch of crap heads, what makes you so great?!" Suddenly, the customer standing up jumped up and kicked the hot and sour soup pot over!
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My daughter went to boarding school and gave me a potted plant and some tropical fish before she left. A week later, she called and I told her the plant had died.
After a while, I regretfully told her that the tropical fish had also died.
She was silent for a moment, then asked, "So how is Dad?"
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Xiaoming's father said to Xiaoming: If you behave well today, Daddy will take you to the market to watch other people eat candy.
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Me: Are you the legendary Princess Iron Fan?
Woman: Why do you say that, sir?
Me: Because...because...because I think only the Bull Demon King is worthy of your looks!
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A customs officer stopped a traveler and asked him if he was carrying any items that should be declared. "No," the traveler replied.
Are you sure you don't have it?
"certainly."
"So what's with that elephant behind you with a slice of bread stuck to its ear?" "Sir, what I put in my sandwich is entirely my own business!"
During the thirteen-week basic training period, the recruits slept on hard ground and ate military rations. Therefore, as soon as the training was over, they wanted to go home so they could sleep on clean bedding and eat their mothers' meals.
On the day he arrived home, his whole family gave him a warm welcome.
His mother said even more excitedly: We've already prepared a family camping trip to celebrate for you!
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Customer: "Waiter, could you explain what's going on with the fly in my soup?" The waiter bent down, looked closely, and replied: "It's swimming, sir, it's swimming."
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There was a four-story building, and a strange person lived on each floor.
The first floor likes to eat cucumbers, the second floor likes to dye the room green, the third floor likes to urinate on the balcony, and the fourth floor likes to wield a big knife.
One day, the person on the fourth floor was wielding a big knife when he accidentally dropped it. Just then, the person on the third floor needed to urinate, so the knife was cut in half and fell to the second floor, where it was dyed green. It then fell to the first floor and was eventually eaten as a cucumber.
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One day, Xiaoming visited his future mother-in-law's house. His mother-in-law said, "Please make yourself at home! The food will be ready soon!"
Then he went into the kitchen to get busy, leaving only the nervous Xiaoming and his mother-in-law's dog, Xiaobai, in the living room.
Suddenly, Xiaoming felt a sharp pain in his stomach. He thought to himself, "No! I must endure it!"
But he couldn't hold it in any longer... *poof*... He let out an incredibly smelly fart. He thought to himself: I'm doomed this time... I'm definitely going to be kicked out. But to his surprise, his mother-in-law just shouted: "Xiao Bai!"
Xiao Ming thought to himself with relief: "Luckily, I have Xiao Bai to be my scapegoat." Then he couldn't help but let out a second fart, and his mother-in-law still yelled "Xiao Bai!"
When he let out his third fart, his mother-in-law rushed out and yelled: "Xiao Bai! Are you going to wait until you're stabbed to death before you run away?!"
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The CEO of a mobile company went to a public restroom. The gatekeeper said, "It's three cents to go in, two cents to come out!" The CEO was stunned: "You have to pay to come out too?" The gatekeeper replied, "Learning from China Mobile's two-way billing system." The CEO was stopped again after leaving the restroom: "You used stall number eight, so pay one cent for the number selection. You farted, so pay one cent for roaming. If you're over three minutes, pay another cent for overtime. There's background music in the restroom, so there's a two-cent ringback tone fee. If you're a frequent visitor, I suggest you get a restroom package; it's more cost-effective." The CEO was furious: "What kind of law is this?!" The gatekeeper waved his hand: "China Mobile, this is my territory, I make the rules!"
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Old, but classic
One day, Xiaoming had a cast on his hand. The teacher asked, "What happened to your hand?" Xiaoming replied, "It's broken." The teacher asked, "Why?"
Xiao Ming said: "Because I'm too lazy." The teacher said: "If you're too lazy, your hand will break."
Xiao Ming said: I was walking on the road when a stone got into my shoe, but I was too lazy to remove it with my hand, so I hugged a telephone pole and shook my foot to make the stone fall out. A passerby saw this and thought I was being electrocuted, so he hit my hand with a stick...
teacher:……
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Police caught a man illegally catching lobsters at the beach and are preparing to fine him according to the law…
Man: What did you say? What law did I break?
These two lobsters are my pets; I'm taking them out for a walk!
Police: I can't be bothered to listen to your nonsense!
Man: Really, sir!
They love rushing into the sea to swim; they come swimming back as soon as I whistle! Police: I'd like to see that~ So the man tossed the two lobsters he was holding into the waves…
Police: Okay, let's see how you get your pet lobster back. Man: Lobster? What lobster?
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A man was in a hurry to catch a boat, so he drove to the dock as fast as he could. When he arrived, he saw that the boat had already left the shore. He locked the car door and immediately jumped onto the boat at top speed, without stopping at all.
His actions terrified everyone on the ship.
The captain said, puzzled, "Sir... the ship hasn't docked yet..."
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Q: Why do doctors wear masks when performing surgery?
A: I'm afraid of being recognized if something happens.
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Taiwanese businessmen doing business in mainland China often visit nightclubs and entertainment venues every night because their families are in Taiwan.
One day, he was unfortunately caught by public security experts, and his Taiwan Compatriot Certificate was stamped with the two big characters "pervert".
He was very unhappy, so he used his connections and spent some money to get rid of this vulgar term.
A week later, his friend told him it was done.
He thought, "With money, there's nothing you can't do."
After receiving his Taiwan Compatriot Certificate, he excitedly opened it and found three large characters stamped inside: "Not a lewd insect."
Later, he tried to get the words "non-sexual insect" removed through more powerful people, because he felt that the words were still indecent, so this time he made sure to resolve the matter.
Because he's going back to Taiwan next month...
His friend repeatedly assured him that everything would be fine, but the proper etiquette was absolutely essential. A week later, his friend came to see him and said, "This time it's really done!" He quickly took the Taiwan Compatriot Certificate and looked at it; it read: "African Firefly."
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In elementary school, my classmates would write book titles on pieces of paper, fold them into airplanes, and then let them fly around the classroom.
Unfortunately, the homeroom teacher found a paper airplane, opened it, and saw that it read: "Breast health care".
The homeroom teacher was furious and began investigating the origin of the paper airplanes, making the students compare handwriting one by one to see who wrote them.
The investigation concluded that the homeroom teacher determined that it was written by A.
But A refused to admit it, because he definitely didn't write it.
After school, A was kept behind. Around 7 p.m., after repeated threats and inducements from the teacher, A couldn't take it anymore.
He told the teacher, "Teacher, the words on that piece of paper really weren't written by me. I wrote 'Complete Guide to Sexual Knowledge'."
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As everyone was leaving after class, a guy behind us sighed, "I brought it for nothing again today..."
Everyone was astonished!
Two seconds later, another word was heard: "Umbrella!"
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A driver hit an old man with his car. The driver hurriedly stuck his head out to see what was going on, and the old man was shocked when he saw what happened.
He said weakly, "Brother, do you want to reverse the car?"
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One day, during a flight.
A security guard saw a passenger using their mobile phone and immediately walked over and said sternly, "Don't use your mobile phone to play games!"
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One day, I arranged to meet a girl I met online at Oriental Plaza. Not wanting to seem too unsophisticated, I suggested Starbucks. While waiting for her, I felt it wouldn't be right not to buy her something.
Go to the counter and order coffee.
The waiter asked, "What would you like to order?"
I wasn't wearing my glasses that day, and the coffee shop was dimly lit. I tried hard to see the price list, but I still couldn't...
He simply said, "I can't see clearly!"
Waiter: "Okay, cappuccino!"
And so I had my first cappuccino at Starbucks...==========
A company manager asked his secretary to forward an official document to the boss: "Boss, we have a batch of orders from Europe next month, and I think the company needs to send someone to meet with them."
The boss briefly signed "goahead" at the end of the document. Upon receiving it, the manager immediately instructed his subordinates to buy a plane and plan the itinerary, while he himself packed his luggage.
On the day of departure, he was stopped by his secretary.
Secretary: "What do you want to do?"
Manager: "Going to Europe for a meeting!"
Secretary: "Did the boss agree?"
Manager: "Didn't the boss tell me to go away?"
Secretary: "Having been with the company for so long, don't you know the boss's English proficiency? The boss means: 'Go to hell!'"
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My brother likes to eat fish.
Walmart sells sea bass for 9 yuan a pound, but if they're dead and kept on ice, they're 7 yuan for two, and they're just as fresh. A guy rushes off work to buy some, but they're often sold out. So he stands in front of the fish tank waiting, sometimes for ages, and not a single one dies.
One of my brothers used a net to scoop them up and then tapped the fish on the head with the handle.
The waiter couldn't stand it anymore and came over to say to the man, "Sir, those who have fainted don't count..."
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A pirated Windows CD reads: "We paid for the genuine version back in the Qing Dynasty, so no activation is required. Please use it with confidence!"
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After the college entrance exam results came out, the teacher breathed a sigh of relief and said to me, "Actually, not getting in is a blessing in disguise for both you and **University."
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A guy of mine isn't good at studying, but he just loves to reserve seats. Of course, sometimes he does it out of necessity under the coercion and enticement of some silly girls.
Once, after using up every book in his backpack and almost needing toilet paper, he still had half a row of books left. Seeing more and more people getting in, he got anxious. Suddenly, he had a brilliant idea: he took off his headphone cord, straightened it, and placed it on the table…
Another time, this guy came empty-handed, and I thought to myself: "He's finally not going to win today, is he?" But then he smiled and pulled a deck of cards out of his pocket...
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Three people, A, B, and C, went on a trip together. A caught a cold...
That night, everyone slept in the same bed, with person A sleeping in the middle.
In the middle of the night… A sneezed loudly, and B and C's faces were covered in A's snot. B and C: Next time, let us know…
Half an hour later, A: Pay attention…
Upon hearing this, Yi and Bing quickly crawled under the covers and confirmed that there was no connection to the outside world...

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